Ok, so it's not over

I woke up this morning by the alarm at 5:19am. My first thought was "is this how it ends?" It also made me wonder whether this was a good test of how much you liked a person - were they the first thing you think about when you wake up and last thing to think about when you go to sleep?

I got ready and then drove off to Chinksford to get some Macca's and then made my way to Maitland. I think I've done it enough times now that the route has become automatic.

The list wasn't too bad. I got to talk to that PP a lot. I still don't know his name, although I learnt the other guy with the glasses is Steve. The mag was really nice too, she waited for the LAC guy to finish getting instructions so that he could come back and do my last matter instead of adj for lunch and making me come back at 2pm.

I got a message from Erica at 10:25am. It was just an emoticon of a character doing make up. I think it was her way of making some sort of contact after no contact for the whole of 30 January. I replied saying haha and telling her I was in Maitland for work today. She replied with the emoticon sticking the tongue out and pulling an eye lid down. She seemed to be just responding with emoticons. I think maybe she's afraid of saying the wrong thing to piss me off, which is maybe what she thought happened with the last message.

As I was driving back to Sydney, I realised today was the last day to get the discount for the Korean course. Because of her messages today, it had changed my mind. I think I will enrol. Damn, that means I just totally wasted the money I spent on Baby.

So after I got back to the office, I quickly rushed to the language school. While the guy was processing my payment, this really hot girl walked in front of me, bent over to look for something, and then brushed her hair back behind her ears. I think she was Japanese.

At 5:39pm Erica messaged me saying she wanted chicken and KFC. I said me too and joked that we could go together. She replied with only a game invitation. Maybe she's too scared to talk about any meetings anymore to avoid disappointment.

I finished work at 9pm, and then went to KFC. I took a photo of my meal with a sticky note with "Ericaaaaaaaaa" written on it and sent it to her. She looked at it around an hour later and no reply.

Baby

Yesterday I had changed my Kakao status to 'Bye' as if to mean this was the end.

However, today when I got into work with the Prada present, I took a photo of it and changed it to my Kakao profile picture, taking away the 'Bye' as well. I wanted to show her what she was missing out on. I knew if I didn't do this I'd regret it later on.

Throughout the day I managed to keep myself busy between preparing for tomorrow's Maitland list and reading a brief. In the back of my mind, I wandered between keeping hope alive with Erica and going to find a back up. I am pretty sure I'd hear from her again, but I wanted to distract myself as well. Maybe this is what I should've done all along - to keep a back up. I thought about going to Naby's shop.

On the other hand, I could at least hold out hope until 11 February. If she didn't contact me by then, I'd know for sure it was over. But would it be too late then? Would I be overcome and paralysed by devastation?

I didn't want to take that risk. If it was going to cause me problems at work, I didn't want to risk it. Or was I just making up excuses to have a punt?

I finished work at 7pm then took the office car home. Today was the first day my dad started at his new job in Livvy, so the car was home. I changed cars and went to Naby's shop. I withdrew some cash and went in. I was shown about six girls. None of them really struck me. But maybe I was just looking for Erica. There was one girl there who I think I saw last time - and again she maintained eye contact.

However, I went with the girl on the far right, called Baby, only to be disappointed by tattoos on her back and side.

Oh well, people with tattoos can be nice people too eh?

As I was waiting, I had second thoughts, despite having already paid. It didn't feel right. This was too soon.

I was told by the dude that she was ready, and she led me upstairs. She went back out to get the towels and I undressed. I asked her for her name again and it was indeed Baby. She asked for mine and I told her. We showered and she asked me where I was from. I said Korea, and she laughed and said no. She asked if I was Chinese and I said yes, and asked why she didn't think I was from Korea. She said Korean guys don't shave their heads like me. Fair point.

I asked her how long she'd been here, she said two years, but one and a half was in Melbourne. Her English was pretty good and had almost no problems understanding me. She asked me how long I'd been here and I said too long. Even though it took the water a while to warm up, I noticed she really took her time with the shower. I wondered if she was a time waster. I noticed she had way too much make up on her eye lids.

After the shower, I laid down on the bed. She started kissing my legs, making her way up. No dragon drill. Then she asked me to turn around. She gave me CBJ because I had goosebump-like dots on my dick, but she licked my nipples for a very long time. Then she got on top and went up and down for a while before she asked to swap and I got on top. We went at it like that for a while, and I got more turned on the more I got her to moan.

I finally finished and laid down. She asked if I smoked and I said no, and she asked if she could smoke and I said yes. She sat down on the bed next to me and smoked. I asked her about her tattoos. She said they hurt, and she got them about three years ago. She said it was supposed to bring good luck, but it didn't work. I said maybe later, and told her to buy lotto, and she laughed. She also said it was Cambodian symbols on the back.

She asked if I wanted a massage and I said no. She asked if I wanted a drink and I said no. I kinda just wanted to talk. I asked if she had been around Sydney, and she said just the city and the Opera House. I asked if she had been to the zoo and she said no but she wanted to go. After a bit more talking she asked about a massage again and so I said yes. I flipped around and she put some oil on my back and started massaging. This is where we talked the most as I watched her in the mirror:

- she said she likes Korean food but the Korean food in Sydney is not good. Although it may be good for me, she said it's very different for her.
- she said she can cook Korean and a bit of Chinese food.
- she said she likes pizza and hamburgers (pronounced the same in Korean).
- she likes karaoke and drinking. In fact, that was all she did everyday in Korea.
- she went back to Korea a year ago, and may go back in late March. She doesn't know if she'll be coming back.
- her family is in Korea.
- most customers were Chinese, not many Koreans.

She didn't ask me anything about myself. I wondered if that was a lack of interest or just not wanting to pry. At times I yearned for the closeness that I had with Erica - the joking, the hugging, the laughing. I now realised that maybe not everyone clicks with her like I do. I was tired of this process of re-meeting someone. I just wanted continuity. Damnit, how do those guys who juggle multiple girls do it? I find it hard to keep information tabs on different people.

After a long and hard massage, she wiped me down and showered with me. Sometimes I stared blankly at the wall, thinking I just wasted $270 and how I wished I was with Erica. When I was getting dressed, she looked at my phone and thought it was an iPhone, and then realised it was an S2 and said she had an S3. She has nice eyes.

I asked her what my name was and she laughed and said she forgot. She asked me and I told her, adding that she better remember it next time and she repeated my name.

Maybe the birthday thing won't go ahead?

I had such an off day today. Maybe it was because I stayed up past midnight last night playing video games.

Anyway, I woke up late, but luckily it was raining, which justified me catching a bus to work. When I got in, as I was turning the corner to my room, I heard Robert say "good morning". I had tried to sneak past, because I didn't want to say good morning to Nunjo, but I quickly said "good morning" and went into my room.

I made breakfast and ate it at my desk. As I started checking out my calendar, I realised...I HAVE COURT TODAY!!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT HELL DAMN.

I quickly put my tie on, got a suitcase ready and left. Luckily the court was rather close. Luckily I had prepared the file a long time ago. Damn the past me, I love you.

As I caught a taxi to court, I kept thinking "how did I let this happen? How could I completely forget I had court? Was it the long weekend? Or had I been thinking about Erica too much?"

Anyway, everything turned out well. I bumped into Michael D at court and we had a chat. We both couldn't believe it had been three years since that trial.

My matter went smoothly and quickly, and I made my way back to the office. I had a rather busy day. I realised Robert wasn't in the office today at all. So what the fuck did I hear this morning?!?!

At 1pm I messaged Erica, saying I was now looking at my calendar and asked her what days she planned to take off in February.

She replied at 1:27pm. At first I thought she said she'd have to keep working to find out, but later realised she said she'd have to keep working throughout the month. I then asked if she could still take 11 February (her birthday) off. I knew I shouldn't have asked, because 1) I had this really bad feeling she'd say no, and 2) I had asked her before and gotten a yes so I should've left it at that.

She replied at 6:14pm saying she'd call me the day before.

What?

I was very disappointed with that answer. It was almost an inescapable conclusion that this was her way of saying no. Maybe she had other plans. Maybe she got an offer from a better guy. Maybe I'm her back up plan.

I felt down immediately. At times I felt like crying, but I kept on working. The urgency of my matter pushed me on. At close to 8pm I left and went to the gym. The thought of going to Naby's shop to work on a new girl was very tempting, and I told myself I could go after the gym, knowing pretty well I would be too tired to do so.

I also told myself I would feel better after the gym. I always feel better, even if it's only a little bit. And I did. It cleared my head a bit.

The only positive spin I could put on her message was maybe she didn't want to disappoint me like the beach day. Maybe she didn't want me to take a day off and have it turn out to be nothing again.

I still haven't responded to her message. She would know by now I've read it. I don't think I'll respond at all. I think I'll let her make the next move.

She apologised

At about 3:30am on Friday, my phone rang.

Goddamn, is that my alarm? No it doesn't sound like it. It's your ringtone. Someone's ringing you.

This is probably Erica.

Nah, don't think it is.

I looked at the phone and it was her. I didn't answer it because I was too sleepy. She rang again. I didn't answer it. I thought she'd call a third time but nothing.

I'll call her back tomorrow morning.

But wait, what if she's in trouble and she needs your help?

Grrrr...this better not be a drunk call from a casino asking me for money.

So I got up, went into the kitchen and called back. Her familiar voice came onto the phone. She didn't sound drunk, and she didn't sound like she was out anywhere. The paranoia me imagined she went out drinking with the group of friends she had planned for the beach, and maybe even some sort of wild sex orgy. Yes, my paranoia and insecurity can run wild.

She said sorry. She said she slept in all day because she was tired. She said she woke up at noon and saw what a nice day it was and said sorry. I said it was ok. She said she'd take time off next month to spend with me. I said ok. In my hazy state, all I could think of was saying ok. But I was glad she apologised.

I didn't know what to say so I tried to brag about having court tomorrow. I think she took it as meaning I wanted to go back to sleep, so she said goodbye. Hmmm.

Anyway, on Friday I had my first DC sentence of the year. Despite the judge starting off a bit grumpy, I was surprised it didn't affect me. I even managed a smirk as she was going off a bit, which surprised her. Everything went smoothly, got it done quick. I didn't go to Moira's birthday lunch, mainly because I was feeling a bit out of it, having woken up at 3am, and also I didn't really want to encounter the awkwardness of Nunjo again.

After work I met up with Jim and we went to the old Mama's Kitchen for some spaghetti. We talked about the whole Bo confrontation thing that happened on Wednesday night. I didn't even see what happened, all I saw was after the game as I was walking back to the bench, Bo was in Jim's face and I separated them.

Jim told me he may have swore at Bo during the game when Bo threw the ball away, and then Jim did duty for like the last 10 minutes of the game. When the game finished, Jim walked to the bench and Bo confronted him, telling him not to swear at him as he did it last week as well. Mike separated them, but Bo went at him again, and it was this second one that I saw.

I could see it affected Jim quite a bit. He asked for the next few games off on Wednesday nights, and wants us to look for a replacement for the Sunday team. I didn't want him to make any rash decisions, and figured I could tell him to at least have a think about things. But he told me he already deleted Bo from Facebook, so I guess it's pretty serious this time.

On Saturday I drove to the gym in the early afternoon, in the Wick, before going home. I had to meet the guys for tennis at 4:30pm, and at 4pm I thought I'd rest my eyes, and accidentally fell asleep. I woke up at 4:30pm and quickly made my way to tennis. Luckily they had just started.

Brain brought his brother, and so there were five of us including G and Shuing. We played a few games, but I got a bit annoyed at how much downtime there was given we had to pay for the courts.

Afterwards Shuing, G and I went to eat at Red Rooster. We talked mainly about the possibility (probability?) of Eva and Michael L getting divorced.

Yesterday I went into the office to get some work done. I saw Moira and Helen there. Grrr. I was in work mood - I had something to do which didn't require much thinking, and it was raining pretty hard, so I couldn't play ball.

Today I basically bummed around the house, as I discovered the joys of playing against other people ONLINE in NBA2k13, haha!!!

Shoyo: 8-2-1

At work today, I was looking forward to her messages telling me what time we should meet tomorrow. I kept checking my work calendar to make sure I had everything done to enable me to take tomorrow off.

Then at 1:19pm today, she sends me the following messages:

"tomorrow rain"

"Beach, I can not go"

"Next time"

"sorry...."

......................................................................

My immediate reaction was anger. Then disappointment. I felt blank for the next hour or so. I couldn't concentrate on work. I went to Helen and told her I wasn't taking tomorrow off anymore, and cancelled my request for leave. Half an hour later, I replied with "ok".

But to me, and I was hoping to her, it wasn't just any normal "ok". It was an angry "ok". It was a disappointment "ok". It was a "you better say something more 'ok'".

But she didn't.

I then kept myself busy with some drone work, transcribing an audio CD.

I wanted to leave work at 5pm and go for a walk to the water. Instead, I messaged Jim and organised to meet up with him. We went to the new Macca's on Parramatta Road. I ate a lot because I was hungry.

We went to his house for him to get his gear and then went to the courts. We sat around and watched a few games.

I swear, I had one of my best games recently. I didn't score in the first half, and at half time we were leading by a bit.

Then in the second half, I took the ball down, held my dribble and looked for a pass. My defender had laid off me to try to get the intercept, so I shot it.

Swish.

Next time down, I caught the ball near the elbow and shot it.

Swish.

Then Mike was bringing the ball down after a turnover. Gus on the bench asked "where are the guards?"

I was in front of Gus and said "I'm here". Mike passed me the ball, and I swished it.

Wow. That is like...SO cool!!!

I sparked a 10-0 run, and pretty soon we were up by 15. Then they started to full court press us and play man to man. We panicked, and they caught up.

We were up by three, and Gus took some ill-advised shots. Bo and Mike both missed lay ups. Then their big guy hit a three.

With four seconds to go, they inbounded, and Mike's guy got passed him and drove towards the basket. Alex Y fouled him.

I went to line up, and after he missed the first shot, I started trash talking. I was like "you gotta hit this man, you can't miss, you're gonna dream about this tonight" and kept going until the referee told me it was enough.

He missed, got his own rebound, and missed again.

Game tied.

I think I salvaged a game tonight with my big mouth.

Ok, now this relationship is just costing me...

Waking up momentarily at 1am today, I saw Erica had sent me messages after I said I'd rent a van. She asked me to go to her shop after work as she didn't understand what I was saying.

During the day, I messaged her saying I'd bring a friend who has a car. Although it was read late in the day, she didn't respond.

I was kinda undecided about seeing her - I didn't want to waste money and thought all this could be resolved via messaging, yet at the same time, I thought maybe it was better to clear things up in person to make sure there weren't any misunderstandings.

Anyway, pretty much decided to get G into it, as I messaged him asking if he was free on Thursday.

At 5pm I left work, went to JB to get a pink cover for her mini iPad and then walked to her shop. When I called, I said I'd be there in 15 minutes (5:45pm) and the guy said she'd be available at 5:40pm. So she was with a client.

When I got there, I went to the bathroom and then returned to the waiting room. Later, I could hear sounds of someone walking a client out. I heard a female voice say "thank you" which I presumed it was her. I stared at the open door to get a look at the guy. I only caught a glance, but it looked like some middle aged fat bastard. I know I should've felt angry, or jealous, but the only thing I felt was a kinda satisfaction that the guy wasn't better looking or richer than me.

Hmmm.

Shortly after, she came to my room and led me upstairs. She asked me how I was as we walked and said it was hot outside and that she was tired. When we got to the room, I gave her the iPad cover, she said thanks and placed it on the bed. I sat down on the bed, and she sat down on the couch and said she didn't understand my messages in Kakaotalk. I was rubbing her knee because I was feeling a bit excited, and then I "re-gave" her the present, and she was like "oh yeah I forgot" and started opening it. She said she liked it but wasn't sure if it was pink, given the lighting in the room.

She said she'd go get her phone and walked out. I laid back on the bed, and when she came back she asked if I was tired. I said yes, and she asked me to shower. I asked if she was tired and she didn't say anything at first, and when I asked again she said no. I quickly started to undress like a boy who had just been told he could go to the candy store.

She started using her phone, trying to get something translated into English, but the translation wasn't done very well, which meant I couldn't understand. I could see her eyeing my body as I stripped and got into the shower. I said she was a lazy girl as she didn't shower with me. She asked me what I meant, and thought I said crazy. When she typed lazy into her translator, she realised what I meant and laughed. I joked that I'd make a complaint to the receptionist, and she was like "go, every day, complain" and laughed. Lol, not sure if  she was serious, but it would be good to know that she only gives good service to me.

After I finished showering, I jumped onto the bed behind her, on my knees, massaging her shoulders. She said I needed to do it harder, and asked me to turn around. She massaged me for a bit before I did it back to her, but harder this time. She said it was good.

After a bit, she got up and walked to the shower. She started using the listerine, and when she spat it out, I gave her a peck on the lips. I held her from behind, and massaged her breasts a little. It reminded me of Naby. She then got me to lie down on the bed, and she took out a condom and put on some lube (always a bit of a turn off).

She went down on me, and I was a bit disappointed she was giving me her routine. I was trying to break the routine like we did with Naby. Anyway, after that she asked me to get on top, saying she was lazy. I kissed her breasts for a bit before entering her. I found that I think way too much - everytime I thought about sex, I would lose a bit of excitement. But when I thought about how she was my girlfriend and that we were making love, my excitement would go up. Then I thought, why the hell am I even thinking about all this?

I pecked her on the lips, but for the most part she had her head turned. After a while I finished and I got my phone and we laid on our tummy next to each other to talk. As usual, she pressed her shoulder up against mine and so I felt we were really close.

I showed her the message on Kakaotalk asking me to rent a car. I said that wasn't from her. She laughed and asked how I knew. She said the English messages weren't hers, except the really simple ones. I said the message was not nice, but I knew she was nice.

She told me who was going to the barbeque - me, her, her friend, her friend's boyfriend, his friend, and her "older sister", who wasn't really her sister. So including G, that made seven.

I asked if she knew her friend's boyfriend, she said they met once at lunch, and that he was Chinese. She said she didn't know his friend.

I showed her a photo of G as the friend I was going to bring. She said we would go shopping first and then pick everyone up. I asked why she didn't want to do it as a group.

Shut up man, you're getting some valuable alone time!

She said it was too hard to shop as a group. I agreed.

She started going through the photos on my phone again, and when I tried to take it back, she refused. I said she looked at them last time and she said she knew. She said I had no handsome friends, and asked me why, and I joked that I was handsome. I tried to take my phone back again and she refused, this time accidentally hitting me in the eye. I pretended it hurt, and joked that I'd make a complaint, about her not showering with me and hitting me, which made her laugh.

She showed me contacts on her phone, and showed me her brother again. She also showed me her best guy friend, and friends who were married and had children. She also showed a guy, and said about five years ago she asked to be with him and got rejected, and now he's a famous singer. When she showed me photos of a friend's honeymoon in Paris, I said our honeymoon will be in Hong Kong. She said no. I said Africa then. She laughed and said she wanted New York. I said she could choose either Hong Kong or Africa, and when she laughed and said no, I said Africa, lol.

She also told me that after work, she goes to the pub to play the pokies. When I said no, she said she does it because she's stressed.

I knew I probably shouldn't have, but I started asking her questions about the people coming to the bbq on Thursday. It was obvious that her friend with the boyfriend worked with her, as she was the one typing English to me. I asked if her 'sister' worked in a shop, and I think she tried to tell me it was none of my business but her translator didn't work too well. I asked if her friend's boyfriend knew she worked in a shop and she said no. Phew.

I said, on her birthday, to take a day off and we'd go to dinner. She said ok.

Well that was easy.

I said I got her a present.

When she finished, she asked if I wanted water. I said yes and she put on a towel and went out. I was there all alone with her phone. God she trusted me. I sent her a message saying "water please" and noticed there were no notifications on her phone. Hmmm. When she came back she had one cup of water. I asked her where her one was and she said she drank it. She handed it to me and I started sipping it.

She was lying at an angle from me now, and when I finished, I shifted myself so I was closer. I went in for a peck and she refused. I playfully went in more aggressively and she laughed and tried to back down but eventually gave in for a peck.

She said today was very busy day, as Mondays and Tuesdays had lower prices. I told her not to work on these days, and she said she wanted to as it meant more money. She said she wanted to work every day. She mentioned something about $100, but wanted to say a humongus figure, and I joked and was like "$100? Ok" and pretended to take her away. She then tried again and said $5 and I did it again, making us both laugh.

We were laughing about the beach when she was like "shhhhh" pointing outside. She said it would not be good if the shop found out we were going to the beach. I understood. She'd get into a lot of trouble if the shop knew she was seeing a client outside.

I went in for another peck and this time after I got it, I squeezed her really hard which made her squeal in a pleasant way. She started going through her phone and opening some sort of chat app I had not seen before. She showed me some photos from it, but didn't show me whatever she did with it before. She showed me a photo of her a few years ago. She looked soooooo different without make up. But it was more like the Erica I went out with for dinner.

The buzzer went and she asked me to shower. The stupid shower had no hot water, and she came and washed my private parts with cold water, trying to minimise the pain of the cold water.

I got dressed, feeling a bit ashamed I had come in my worst underwear which looked like girls' panties. She watched as I got dressed and picked up my watch, looking at it. She had to point out that my belt was not done, lol. She gave me my watch, and I wondered if she'd buy me a watch when it was my birthday.

After I left, I felt somewhat overwhelmed by a sense of security. I finally got a taste of what it was like to be in a secure relationship.

I went back to the office to change, and then went to the gym.

Rejuvenated!

Did I mention that on Friday at work I felt rejuvenated??

How did it happen?

Well that stupid costs matter, I wrote a minute saying not to appeal. Stupid Helen wanted counsel's advice because she couldn't make up her mind and accept responsibility for making a decision. Anyway, counsel gave his advice like a day before the deadline, but I wasn't sure if the 28 days we had to appeal included public holidays, and neither did Helen.

PoSho looked up the law and said it included public holidays, and sent an email saying so. Then Helen sent a follow up email saying "yeah that's how I read it as well".

Da fuqqqq? 

Now I didn't need anymore convincing that she was a person I didn't need to like.

It made me want to kick her ass, and it has given me motivation to work harder. The other thing is, I planned to speak to Nunjo again. I can't hate more than one person in my team, and the enemy of my enemy is my friend. I don't have proof that Nunjo doesn't like her, but I figured human nature dictates that you can't like anyone who steals your position, especially if you've been there seven years longer than them.

So today, in the photocopying room, I said to her "how are you today Nunjo?" and she said "well thanks [insert name here]". That was it. I don't know why I expected more, but I guess that was reasonable.

Also, today was my most productive day in a long long time. I got soooo much done. When I got to my next task, I would usually ponder a bit, but today I pushed myself to get on with it.

My other motivational factor? Taking Thursday off to go to the beach with Erica. I needed to get a lot of work done before Thursday, and that pushed me to do it.

However, I seem to have reached a bit of a speed bump. She said at first 6-7 people were coming, but my car can only take five. Now she says six people will be coming. I pondered for a long time as to how to solve this problem.

I had a few options:

1. Ask Malay. But my main fear was, he goes to these types of shops too, and everything would be revealed in the most awkward of ways.

2. Ask G. But he'd be a bit dumb and awkward in these situations.

3. Rent a car. I gave this a lot of thought, but I really don't want to drive a van. It's too hard to park. And expensive.

I finally suggested to her I could take two trips. A message shot back as follows:

"my friend's boy friend is live in perth so if ur car not enough space just rent car!"

At first I was taken aback by how rude she was. But then I realised, she doesn't talk like that. I think her friend must've typed it. Why? Because that didn't come from a translation program, and her English is not good enough to say all that.

Now I'm feeling a bit suss. In a lot of cases I see, people travel from Perth to here. I can just see myself being fucking followed by 5-0s.

Need Thursday off!

I basically stayed at home all day yesterday with the exception of going out for a walk to get a lotto ticket.

I was flicking back to some of the old messages Erica had sent, and one stood out - she said she was far from $90,000. I don't know why it didn't strike me at the time, I guess I must've dismissed it as a bad translation.

It got me motivated to save and make money. I spent the day on the internet thinking of ways to make money, but came up with none. Although I did realise that a buy order I placed on AVQ on Friday hit at 0.021 cents, so I guess now I am going along for the ride.

Today, I got to the Central courts at 9am for training. I started doing around the world and was nearly done when Nick arrived. I finished it off and then we shot around a while. Bo arrived later, and then Bert arrived, followed by Alex like an hour or more later when we had pretty much done everything.

We did drills to help the forward go out to the corner three, we worked on our shots, and I showed them the slides I did up and down the court. We then played a game of three on three with one other guy, and I jarred my right ring finger pretty badly, but it seems to be a bit better now.

Bo got called away by his girlfriend, and Nick said if it was anyone else he would've called them pussy whipped, but I finally understood - if Erica called me I'd probably be gone as well.

So I went to eat with Nick at the pub across the road, although conversation was ok, I got the feeling he was in a bit of a rush to go. After we parted, I walked to the bus stop and went home.

I got off at Centennial Park and decided to check out the dunk pond. I was surprised to see a lot of water had evaporated, but there were still a lot of ducks there. I took a photo and sent it to Erica. I had started to get the feeling (again) that she was losing interest. After I said I missed her yesterday, she said something about the weather and I said it was crazy, and asked her if it was crazy weather in Korea.

Seriously dude? Could you be anymore boring?

She said "no". I then sent her a youtube link of a plus size model falling down on the catwalk. She didn't reply.

So anyway, I sent her a photo of the duck pond and said one day we'll go feed the ducks. She said "good". I said "or...eat ducks" and she didn't reply.

Hmmm.

Then as I was playing NBA2K13, she called at about 7:30pm.

I went out to the backyard and called her back. She asked if I was free on Tuesday or Wednesday. I said I would check but I think I was. She then said she'd be working those days and asked if I was free on Thursday or Friday. I knew I had court on Friday, but all I knew about Thursday was I wanted it to prepare for court. I said I had work and she said her friend's boyfriend wanted to go to the beach. When I said I had work she said maybe next time, then I said I could go but I'd check tomorrow. I figured I'd just do all my prep on Wednesday then.

So there, once again my paranoia has been disproved. All I can think of now is Thursday:

1. Will I be able to take the day off?

2. Will it rain?

3. Do her friends work at the shop?

4. Does her friend's boyfriend know?

5. Are we going to silently acknowledge that we're dating working girls?

6. How will I get along with a group of Koreans who can't speak English?

Anyway, I guess that order for the Prada handbag I did earlier was well placed.

Insecurity end

She sent a game message at 9:25pm while I was at basketball.

Insecurity ridden again...

Despite nothing explicitly going wrong with what happened yesterday, I found myself today feeling insecure again. I was expecting a message from her, the one about my body which she said she'd send, and nothing came.

But even apart from that, I was expecting some sort of game invite message. I told myself that on the last two occasions I'd seen her, she always messaged me immediately after I left. So has she now lost interest? Or her interest level is declining?

The sane side of me told me not to worry about it - it's ok to go a few days without a message. She didn't show any signs of disinterest. You might even be better off if you never see her again, as it'd save some money, and definitely save you having to buy her some expensive birthday present.

But the insecure side of me tries to over-analyse the events of yesterday, to nitpick to find some sign that she has lost interest.

Did she really want to kiss me, or was it just because I paid?

Why did she just lean in for a hug instead of a kiss?

Honestly mate, if she didn't like you she wouldn't have leaned in at all.

Was she just pretending to agree when I said I'd take her to the beach, the zoo, and ice skating?

Did she get turned off after seeing that picture of my bathroom with the tap having fallen off?

I told myself to focus on making money. Not only would that take my mind off things, but it'd also help me in trying to impress her. I always dream about having a nice car and house to show her, so why not actually try to achieve it?

Sometimes I feel all this insecurity will cripple me one day. I seem to keep seeking validation after validation that she's interested in me. Can it ever be satisfied?

My insecurity costs me...

Yesterday was Clare's birthday. On Friday Nunjo came to my room to ask me out to the birthday lunch, which I accepted.

I was on the phone, so Clare said she'd wait downstairs. When I went down, I saw only her and Nunjo. I thought "fuck, where the hell is everyone?" I explained why I was on the phone and then asked where Moira was. Clare said in a conference. I asked where Helen was, and it seemed like she wasn't invited.

So we somewhat awkwardly walked to the place with Clare inbetween the two of us, even though I would've been happy to talk to Nunjo if the opportunity arose. When we got to the bar/restaurant, I was suddenly hit with more realisation what a bad match she was for me - she liked these 'groovy' types of places, whereas it's not exactly the type of place I'd go to in my spare time. In fact, I think most people who come to these places are wankers.

We ordered our food, and although it came quickly, I was disappointed at the proportion - $16 for this small bowl of noodles?

There was some awkward conversation between Clare-Nunjo and Clare-me, before Moira arrived, and suddenly I cheered up as she had just saved the day. However, it got into a real sombre mood as she took over the conversation telling us about how negative her parents were. At first it was lightly amusing, but then I realised she was basically pouring out her bad childhood.

Anyway, today. So I messaged Erica in the morning saying I'd check my work calendar to see if I was free after 8 February, because I thought that she was asking me out after that date (after saying end of January was no longer suitable). When I got to the office, I started figuring out my calendar and then told her what dates I could take off, only to get a question mark back from her. I had to basically start all over again. I managed to establish that she wanted to go out with me in February. But when I asked when she was available, she said she didn't know.

Grrrr.

So I was content to leave it at that. In the afternoon she started the texts again saying she was tired. I texted back jokingly telling her to stop work and come with me. She said "money give me hahaha". By now I was on the loo, and I (stupidly) texted back saying in the past I had a very wealthy client who taught me about money. She asked if it changed anything, and I said it would change the way she thinks and make her different from 99% of the world.

She said "stop" and then in Korean, from what my app was telling me, it sounded like she wasn't very happy with what I was trying to say. I tried to change the topic, saying I found Korean classes that start next month and that I wanted to do it. She didn't reply.

I asked if I could go visit her today. I waited for a reply, and then told myself to just get changed and go to the gym. I managed to do that, walking to the Bond Street one, and distracting myself for a while. I got onto the bike, but everything else was full so I left. I checked my phone and my message still had not yet been read.

Moments later I saw that she had read it.

I waited for a reply.

Nothing.

I started panicking. I told myself to message her when I got back to the office. I couldn't help it. I messaged her later saying I was sorry if I had upset her and asked her to forgive me. I went to the office to change. I figured I'd need my suit look to get some assistance translating this. At first I thought about going to the massage shop, paying for 30 minutes to get a translation, but then thought I should try the cheaper alternative first.

I walked to Darling Harbour and started looking for Koreans. I did come across a Korean family, but hesitated too much. I found a few others who may have been Korean but I didn't ask. Maybe I was just scared. But it was kinda amusing to mentally dismiss every person as non-Korean.

I walked back to the main part of the city and started looking for Korean shop assistants, but couldn't pick a good opportunity. I ended up going to Morning Glory and buying a plush Angry Bird. I said to the sales assistant that it was for my girlfriend who was angry at me and then I asked if she and her colleague were Korean, and then he said yes. I asked if he could translate something for me and he happily obliged. He read the last message from Erica, which my app had translated as "so much money", and told me it said "I'm not angry".

What da fuck is this app telling me???

I had to buy the goddamn plush toy anyway, and I headed to Erica's shop. I made a booking at 8pm and rocked up. I waited in the waiting room before she came to get me. She led me to a room near the backdoor, grabbing some towels on the way.

When we got into the room, I said I got her a present, and she looked in the bag and took out the toy, and seemed quite happy with it. She sat down on the bed and I sat next to her as she kept playing with it. She looked at the bag and said "morning glory", I asked if she knew and she said she knew. I put the toy next to her head and she was like "no" playfully and I pretended that she looked like the angry bird. She said it looked like me because it had no hair. I asked if she was tired and she said yes, so I started massaging her.

We made some chit chat for a bit, but there was a slight feeling of awkwardness as I massaged her. Finally I decided to just lay back on my back, but she didn't follow suit. I rubbed her lower back as she rubbed my tummy. I grabbed my phone and flipped around. She asked me to shower, and I said no, and she laid down next to me, and showed me two bandaids over her hips. She told me she burnt herself yesterday while cooking at work and then took the rest of the day off. She grabbed her tummy and said she was fat. I asked if there was baby, and she said yes. I asked if it was my baby, and she said "rice baby", somehow meaning from all the beer she drinks. She asked me if I wanted any water. I jokingly asked if she made it and she laughed, and went out to get two cups of water. She started smoking as she laid next to me. I started playing the car game, and she watched.

After my game, she started playing, and I held her, similar to our last visit but she was now on my left. She played, and was pretty good, and then closed the app afterwards (she also sent invites to everyone on my list willy-nilly). We pecked on the lips a bit and talked. I kissed her on her right shoulder at times and she said my fuzz/beard made her itchy.

I pulled up the calendar, and she was a bit like "oh not this again". I said "if" she had 8 February off, then I told her what we'd do - the zoo, ice skating (she said she liked to both) and beach. But I couldn't come up with anymore and she was like "it's hard huh?" before I said basketball and she laughed and said no. I said bowling and she said she liked.

We pecked more and she was looking through the photos on my phone. When she got to the photo of the iPad mini with her name on it, she reacted like she just remembered something, and said she wanted a cover for it. I asked her what colour and she said pink. I started massaging her and ended up getting on top of her, massaging her back. I joked I was number one and she laughed. I asked if I was good and she said yes. I leaned down and kissed her on her cheek as she went through my phone.

She eventually asked me to finish and lay back down next to her, which I did. Sometimes I'd look at her face, and she'd ignore it at first but eventually look at me and be like "what?" I played with her face and she said "no, make up". Understandable. In Kakaotalk, she went through my contacts. When I asked if I could add her on Kakaostory, she said no because she had no story. She wanted to see my photos so I showed her my facebook, and the profile photos I've used before. Obviously I didn't think, because there was the photo of us together. But to my surprise, all she said was "don't like", rather than getting angry that I had used it publicly (or maybe she didn't know?).

I showed her the calendar again and said her birthday was 11 February. She said no at first and then said yes. She said she wanted bag. She opened Kakaotalk on my phone and showed me her profile picture, which was one of some handbags. She said she wanted Prada handbags and pointed to them. I said no, I had already bought her a present. She said her status said "bag, give me" to her friends.

We pecked more and by now I had somehow wrestled her into the corner, semi-laying on top of her. She was playfully saying "no" as I went in for kisses. She said something about my body which I didn't understand, and she said she'd send me a message when she got back to her phone.

I kept pecking at her until the buzzer went. I rolled onto my back and somehow we got her to do the angry bird face one last time, and after she did it we both burst out laughing, and then I got up. She held me and leaned in with her cheek as if for me to kiss her cheek. When I didn't, she turned to me and we kissed again.

As we walked out, she asked if I had had dinner yet and I just gave some sort of semi-response. I left, feeling happy that she wasn't angry at me, yet I realised I had now wasted another $200. God, my insecurity really costs me.

Sitting at home now, I kinda feel like I don't want any contact with her for a few days. Sometimes I think maybe I just enjoy the thrills that insecurity brings.

New heartbreak

So it turned out to be nothing. She messaged me on Friday saying sorry and that she had been sick. She said she had a rash on her face and it really hurt. It didn't strike me at first, but then I realised - she had probably caught an STD. I googled "STD rash on face" and saw some...unflattering photos. I automatically assumed that one photo I saw where a woman had a whole lower half of her face covered in red rashes was what Erica looked like, and I immediately questioned whether I should even continue this.

Do I really want to be with someone who caught an STD? 

It made me angry that some guy with an STD was going around spreading it, and it also made me realise the somewhat forgotten danger of going whoring. I must remind myself of this next time I am tempted to go.

I asked if she had seen a doctor and she said yes. Early the next day (Saturday), I told her "many ways to make money" and "no need to risk your health" and "only one life :)". I wondered if it seemed like I was lecturing her. She replied with an emoticon where the main character was sitting with a frown/worried look, doodling with a stick and the smaller character patting their back as if consoling.

I decided to lighten things up and told her I won lotto. She said something about windfalls, and I said "$50 :)" and she laughed, adding some astronomical figure afterwards. I asked if she was resting and she was she was working.

Hmmm. Back at work already. So it couldn't have been that bad. I see now that my imagination just ran wild after seeing that photo on google.

Anyway, yesterday morning I went to the courts for some light workout. I then went back home and waited for the car at noon. When I got it, I decided to drop off some movies/tv shows for Ele first. To my annoyance, she asked me to pick up some baby milk powder for her, but I suppose she didn't know that I had a party to attend to afterwards. So I went to the Wick and couldn't find it, then she asked me to go to the one near her place. She said her husband had already gotten four and they only allowed four per person.

So I was rushing to get there, ended up buying one can as she asked, and then dropped it off with Yang. I then drove off to the North side for Alanna's party. I thought I'd be late, but made it there just before 2:30pm (the planned time with Mel).

She hadn't arrived yet so I waited around on the streets, thinking she wanted to go in together. However, as I sat there, Maria W came by - oops. How embarassing. I walked in with her and we went in to greet Alanna. I quickly made my way to the bathroom because I needed to go, and then Mel messaged me saying she was there but couldn't find the place, so I went out to get her.

After that all was pretty good, as I spent my time mainly talking to Justin and his wife (who looked a lot younger than 39). But at about 4pm, they had to go.

Nooooooo! Don't leave me here!!

And they did. I was left with Amy and Louise to my left, and their partners. I get along with them ok, but as I listened in on their conversation waiting for an opportunity to jump in, I couldn't find any. They were talking about children of their friends, so all I could manage was "you guys talking about kids?" and then they said "yeah" and continued on.

I felt soooooo awkward sitting there. I thought they might change the topic or invite me into their conversation, but nope. It became fairly obvious they didn't want to talk to me when they started talking about dresses. I sat there, sipping on the lemon of my lemonade and occasionally glancing at the cricket on tv.

I finally got up to get a drink and asked if they wanted on, which was stupid because their partners had just brought fresh drinks over.

Luckily, Mel saw me on my way to the bar and asked me to get her a sparkling water.

Yes! A task!

So I did that, which also gave me an excuse to find her when I returned. She had joined a group of new girls and I joined in, said hi to them, but somehow it ended up being me talking to Mel. I whinged to her a bit about Helen before she said she felt rude with her back to Amy and Louise so we joined them again.

The reaction of Louise was a complete 180 - Mel said something to join in, and then Louise suddenly mentioned something she did at work earlier in the week which involved me.

Ummmm...10 minutes ago you were totally ignoring me. And now that Mel's here you've done a 180?

Anyway, the rest of the time was so awkward for me. They were all talking about all things related to couples, which rendered me sitting there, listening and nodding. They must've thought I was weird. I actually felt social anxiety - the type I used to feel when I was younger, in uni.

I couldn't wait for it to be over. But time seemed to fly a bit, as I couldn't believe it was approaching 6pm when I checked the time.

Yes!

Finally Mel got a call from Matt who said he was outside ready to pick her up. I left with her, took a few photos with Alanna and we went out together. I had a few words with Matt, and left. I was sure she was going to say to him that I was a mute at the party. Because I came with Mel, I somehow had the impression in my head that I was her companion, and that I needed to live up to the standards of Matt's social skills. Well I didn't - in fact it was a total fail.

I felt so relieved to have left that place. It was like a lot of burden was taken off my shoulders. I drove off and headed to Bunnings to see if it was still open. Surprisingly it was, but it'd be closing in seven minutes. A guy was really helpful, approaching me and asking if I needed any help. I said I was looking for a sealant to glue my tap back to the wall, and he gave me something but wasn't confident it'd work. I got it anyway since it was only $15, and I left.

Today

This morning I went to the Central courts at just after 9am. I thought I'd be late, and could picture Bo and Nick already there. But they weren't. I was the first one there, and that remained the case for a long time, as I shot and ran around a bit on my own.

About half an hour later Nick arrived, and he said he had called Bo but there was no answer. We shot around and talked a bit...actually, for a long time, before Bo showed up. I thought, this wasn't a really good start to things. I mean, he was the one who wanted us here at 9am and he shows up more than an hour later.

You know what else? No apology. Just started walking Nick through some drills, and then annoying me by basically telling me it's the guards' fault during games. Things are never his fault.

Jim arrived later, and we did some drills. Nick kept saying Alex Z wasn't coming, but I said he was, because when he says he's coming, then he's coming. He finally turned up and I was really happy. We all did different drills, and Bo again annoyed me by cheating on one of the drills.

After that we all went to a nearby pub to eat, along with Nick's friend. I could tell Jim wasn't entertained, as he just sat there silently. After that Jim and I went to Kinokuniya as I needed to get Clare a present. I found a cute paperclip magnet and got that for her, and then we walked around the city a bit before he drove me home.

I was pretty content not contacting Erica for a bit, as I felt like everytime I did, there was a chance I'd screw up and cause myself more anxiety. She had sent me an invite to play a new game in the morning, which I didn't get around to doing until I got home. I laughed and said it was an awesome game, not expecting anything substantial back. She laughed and asked me what I was doing (at 5:13pm), and said she was very tired.

I said I was home and I had trained with the team today. I asked if she was at work, half expecting her to say no, as if her question was an invite for me to ask her out tonight. She said she was working. I said she worked too hard and joked she should take day off and come with me. I also asked if she had dinner yet.

She said not yet, and then the following two messages (translated):

"Spending $3000 meet the guests outside so..."

"10 days, I'll meet you in the city elsewhere"

It obviously caused me a lot of heartache to hear that some guy was paying $3000 to somehow see her outside the shop. I have no idea - it could be like a date, it could be bringing her back to a hotel, or he could've paid for a lot of girls at once. I am trying not to over-analyse and speculate. But what stuck out for me was her telling me - at least she was being honest.

I am not too sure what her message means, but I guess it's saying in 10 days, when we go out, we should go somewhere other than the city as she didn't want to be seen. That makes sense, because she did say end of January, and I can understand not wanting to be seen (see: Naby).

It hurts, but I keep telling myself: at least she told you.

Possibility...

I have managed to resist so far, but I just checked her roster online and if it's correct, she had a day off yesterday.

So it's possible that after she finished work on Tuesday, she just got so tired that she slept all day and hasn't been able to go on her phone. Might also explain why she chose to say she'd call you after work, because she knew she'd be having a day off.

End Erica?

I think I finally lost it yesterday.

I messaged her saying she could call me anytime she couldn't sleep, and she replied at about 2am saying she had a rough day. When I woke up at about 6:30am, I replied saying next time when we go out "I will pamper you". Probably not the best choice of words, but I couldn't think of anything else.

She read the message at about 8am and no reply. It bugged me all day at work, until finally at 4pm I messaged her asking if she was ok, and asking her to call me when she had time as I missed talking to her. At 4:34pm she replied saying she didn't understand. I replied immediately (big mistake, shows desperation) saying my work was not busy and I asked if I could call her. She said she was busy and would call me after work.

So I left the internet on my phone switched on last night as I slept. I woke up in the middle of the night only to see...nothing. I'm not sure if it was possible, but I felt like as I slept, I was subconsciously waiting for the phone to ring. I woke up today disappointed to see no missed calls or messages.

She'll call you at about 7:30-8am.

So I held my phone as I walked to work and kept checking it at every available opportunity.

Nothing.

I got to the office and there was still nothing. I told myself to wait until 3pm-ish, as she'd be up by then. I figured she was probably too tired to call after work, but would call me when she woke up. But as the day went on, it wasn't looking good. I started mentally prying myself away from her. I started telling myself that if there was no call by the end of the day, then I'd go find someone else to at least distract myself and have a second option.

I also wondered if this meant it was the end?

And sure enough, there was nothing at the end of the day. At 6pm I left the office and went to that massage place in the city. I was shown about six girls, and I went with the first one, called Sophie. She looked better in the line up than up close. The massage was ok, but I could not see myself dating her. Maybe I was still absorbed with Erica, or maybe I just wasn't attracted to Sophie. I don't know.

During the massage I kept thinking about blowing more money by going to Naby's shop after, but after it was finished, those thoughts dissipated. I then went to Macca's and ate something, feeling a little down. Guess this is what I have to do when gambling is not an option (although I seem to have attached myself to the lesser evil of lotto tickets).

So I wonder, is this the end? Does she not want to see me ever again? Had I come off as too desperate and clingy?

Old age cramp...

I didn't get any training done this weekend, because I woke up yesterday with a cramp in my upper left calf muscle. I have no idea what caused it, but it was so painful that it got me up straight away and made me hold onto it like there was no tomorrow.

Yesterday I went to the gym to test it out, and there was no problemo doing the bike. Hmmm. Other than that I stayed home all day.

Today I thought I could give the courts a try but I could still feel it, and decided to just rest it. After playing lots of NBA2K13 and watching lots of Parks and Recreation (awesome), I decided to go out for a walk, even though I could've managed staying at home all day.

I went to the harbour to get a photo of that big rubber duck, lol. I got it, and thought about putting it as my photo in Kakaotalk, especially since Erica had changed her photo to that of the rubber duck photo I sent her. But I was dressed kinda crappy and am not sure if she should see the crappy me.

I also bought a lotto ticket. I have decided to try many different ways to get rich, and relying on luck will be one of them. Perhaps this will be my next addiction since I can't go to the casino anymore.

I also texted Erica, asking if she'd have 25th to 31st off, as I was going to see what days I could take off work, and she replied saying she wasn't sure yet as she'd have to check the schedule next week. The paranoid and insecure me immediately said she'd found another guy and was not unsure about going out with you. But recent experience has watered down that paranoid and insecure me, and I told myself her schedule was a difficult issue, and I'd have to be patient.

Also, as of today, I have announced that Nick will be the captain for next season in Kainan. Thank god I don't have to deal with Bo anymore.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I woke up at 4am to check my phone. She had sent me three messages, saying she was too busy at work to call me, and that she had toast for dinner. I replied saying I hoped she was having her beauty sleep (read: hope you're not at the casino).

When I woke up in the morning, my messages hadn't been read, but by the time I got to work, they had - no reply.

I couldn't help but feel the usual sadness, tempered only by my most recent experience with her which assured me that she still liked me.

Tonight, I sent her a photo of a large rubber duck in the harbour along with a joke about it. I actually hesitated before sending it - the moment before I clicked send, I suddenly felt like I didn't want to. Not only that I didn't want to send the message, but I didn't want to have anything to do with her.

Then I missed her a lot, and felt like sending her messages saying I missed her, and I think about her a lot.

I sent the photo.

Then I was playing NBA2K13 earlier, and I felt like I didn't want her around anymore. I felt like maybe she was starting to feel the same way, only because she didn't reply to my message.

And then there was another change - I missed her again.

What the hell is wrong with me???

Erica drunk call

Just got off a 34 minute drunk call from Erica. I didn't know she was drunk at first, but she said she was drinking/sleeping now, and as the conversation went on, I could tell she was drunk.

She said she finished work at 3am and went to the casino, and lost $700. She asked me for it and then said she was joking. A lot of the conversation I couldn't understand due to the language barrier, but I suggested we meet now or tonight for dinner, and she said no because she'd be sleeping for very long time.

She said to me she just works and goes home everyday, and I asked why she worked so hard. She said "family, many money", which I took to mean her family had no money.

Towards the end she was saying "you love me?" and I played along, saying "saranhaeyo". She said she loved me too and missed me too a few times. I got the feeling she was drunk and just wanted someone to talk to.

When we said goodbye, she said we should talk later tonight.

I wonder if this is going down the path of trouble...

Erica kiss / NYE

I decided to just ask Erica about the photo, and so sent her a message asking if her photo was from Sydney. She replied "no, Korea".

I said I knew a good place to watch sunrise and asked if she had any days off soon. She replied saying she was at work and was tired. I said I'd go to the shop to see her and waited for her reply, knowing whatever her reply was could affect my timetable for the day, although I was pretty intent on going.

I drove out to the supermarket in the Wick to get some chips and snacks for the NYE bbq at G's place, then went home to play a bit of video games as I waited for 3:15pm to come around so I could drop my dad off at work.

Gambling was re-entering my mind and temptations arose. I started googling about being overpaid in a casino. The overwhelming number of replies stated that the casino would be all over you the next time you entered, and so that was enough of a deterrent for me.

Anyway, when time came, I drove my dad to his restaurant and then proceeded to go to Erica's shop, but not before checking my phone. She had replied with an angry face emoticon.

What the? Why was she angry?

Now I was confused, and maybe even a little bit scared. What had I done to upset her? Did she think it was an insensitive thing to say when she said she was tired? Or did she think I bailed on her last time I said that?

I replied saying "just talk, I miss you". I called the shop and made a booking. As the phone rang and rang, thoughts of her lying and the shop actually being closed re-surfaced. But then the guy picked up the phone, and I was able to make a booking without leaving my name or even details of how long I wanted to stay.

When I parked, I had to go look for an ATM, and I kept checking my phone for a reply. I was thinking something along the lines of "I don't want to see you" would be coming. But even after I got my money and got to the shop, she still hadn't read my messages.

I entered the shop, and the guy answered while talking on the phone. I walked into the closest waiting room and he closed the door, although I could see another customer walk in soon after me - looked like an Asian student with a backpack. Don't know what a student would be doing blowing his money here.

As I waited, I half expected Erica to be watching me on camera and her telling the guy she didn't want to see me. Then the guy would recommend another girl - what would I do then?

When the guy finished his phone call, he came to me and asked if I made a booking. I said yes, for Erica. He closed the door and I waited some more, flicking through some car magazines, telling myself I'd be able to afford one someday.

Eventually Erica came to open the door, and she ushered me to walk in front of her. We made our way upstairs to that mid-second level, into a room where we'd been before. I said something about being in this room again, and she closed the door and started unfolding the towels on the bed. I asked her if she was angry and she said no, and I said she didn't have to prepare the bed as I just wanted to talk.

I sat down on the couch at first, but she sat on the bed, so I went to sit next to her, and I noticed she moved away from me a bit as I sat down.

Wow...the distance.

She asked me about my plans and I said I had to go to a party at 5pm, and she could see it was now 4pm. I asked again if she was angry and she said no. I held her hand but she said my hand was sweaty in Korean, and turned on the air-conditioner. She asked me why and I gestured I was rushing here to see her. We started talking but she wanted to get her phone for translation, so she went out, and I said I'd go to the toilet, and she pointed me towards it even though I knew where it was.

When I returned, the door was slightly shut and I thought she was in there but she wasn't. I sat down on the bed where she'd been sitting, and she came in sitting where I'd been. I grabbed the air freshener can and pretended to use it as deodorant, causing her to laugh. She felt my forehead and said something in Korean, which I presumed to be something about being hot, and I said it was hot outside.

She took out her phone and I was again amazed at how big it was. She began typing and the translation was something about her having a week off at the end of January. She said she wanted to go to nude beach and asked me to take some time off work. I said ok, and joked that she'd get a lot of looks from old men if we did, and I'd get a lot of looks from women. I did the pinky promise to seal the deal, and she agreed.

I felt like lying down on the bed, because 1) it was a bit of an awkward positioning between the two of us sitting on the bed like that with no contact (I wasn't even really sure who was creating it, her or me) and 2) I was tired.

I finally laid down backwards saying I was tired. She asked me why and I said at 7am I went running. She immediately laid down next to me on her tummy. She rolled onto her side a bit and was grabbing some boy-ish fat on her tummy, saying she was fat. I played with it and she said it was from her drinking. I asked why she drank so much. She started typing something on her phone and I had to flip around to read it. It started causing me a bit of cramping in the side, and I thought about how old I was. Geez. I finally adjusted so that I was now fully on my tummy and we were leaning into one another. She threw her left arm over my lower back, holding me for a while, before she let go and I wrapped my right arm around to hold her shoulder.

This was a more intimate position.

She typed 'insomnia' (translated) into her phone. So that was why she drank so much.

She asked me how old I was and I said 30, and then asked how old she wanted me to be, 40? She said she was 70, and I joked I'd go out and ask for a change of girls.

As I held her, she started flipping through her phone, showing me her Kakaotalk and game. I said I had beaten her in one of the mini-games, and she showed me that she had beaten my score. I didn't even realise! She said she had tried all day to beat me, haha. We swapped phones and played a couple of games on each other's phones, and I was amazed at how quick she was able to play on my phone. I was equally amazed at how easy it was to play on her phone with a bigger screen.

After that, with me still holding her, she scrolled through her Kakaotalk contacts, showing me some of her friends. I caught a glimpse of a "I miss you" message and immediately thought it was some other guy, until I also saw the words "photo, Sydney?" which came from...me. Fuck my mind. It was just hard because her Kakaotalk theme is different to me, and I didn't recognise my photo or even really see my name.

I watched as she sent game messages to each of her contacts.

She went to my current photo and said it was dark, and I teased her saying she was the one who took it. I pointed to my cover photo of my basketball on a court, and she asked if I could dunk. I said when I was 18 I could grab the ring and she didn't believe me. I told her how when I was 26 I hurt my knee and needed surgery. She was laughing and I asked why she was laughing and poked her in the sides. She indicated she understood by pointing to her wrist.

I asked about her theme and she said she liked pink. I looked to see if she was wearing pink and she showed me the outfit she was wearing, which was black and pink.

I asked her where her boyfriend was, and she showed me some married guy. When I asked again she said she had no boyfriend, and I said me, and poked her in the ribs to tickle her but she wasn't ticklish. I said "chagiya" and she laughed, asking me where I learnt it (Naby) and I didn't answer.

I remember at one point touching her lips with my left index finger, and she pretended to bite at it. She then turned to me and pecked me on the lips.

I joked that other rooms were making moaning sounds while we were just laughing like crazy. I still couldn't really get over how different she looked - most noticeably the fake eye lashes and eye liner.

The other thing I couldn't believe was how we could actually maintain conversations over an hour, given not only the language barrier, but my own social skills. Hmmm.

I went to the calendar and said she had to take 14 February off work. She said 11 February was her birthday and she'd take day off. She also said the 14th was Valentine's Day. I asked if she liked flowers, and she said something. I couldn't understand so she typed it into her phone. It said something about wilting, and I finally understood that she meant she liked them when they are fresh, but they are of no use when they wilt.

The buzzer went and after a bit more talking, we got up. I said I was sad to go. She asked really, and I joked no, and pretended to quickly grab my things to leave, and she laughed, saying I was crazy. She asked me about my keys and I joked that I had one for every girl except her. We kissed on the lips again. I had kinda under-estimated a kiss, but now I finally appreciated it - her lips were so soft, it was just an unreal experience.

We walked down the stairs and she offered me the exit through the back door. I chose the front door and waved goodbye to her, and walked out. The guy receptionist said goodbye and I just waved. She sent me a message when I checked my phone back in the car, but I didn't have time to read it as I had to go to G's house.

As I walked out of that place, I felt like all my insecurities had been washed away. I suddenly realised how silly some of the things I had thought of had been.

NYE party
I drove to G's place and knocked on the door, greeted by Shuing. He was there with G and Brain. They asked me where I'd been, and I couldn't think of an excuse in time, so just said I had something to do. Shuing said "yeah with your girlfriend eh?"

Anyway, nothing had really been set up, so while G and Shuing were figuring out the barbeque, I started opening the chips and getting them onto plates and that. You know what really annoyed me? Seeing Brain just sitting there on the lounge as if he was 'entitled' to. I have come to the conclusion that he is not the way he is due to social ineptitude - no, he has been brought up with an entitlement attitude.

We all ended up outside in the backyard watching the cooking of the sausages on the barbeque, and I enjoyed taking photos of the guys, to savour the moment of another year having gone past. Ele and Yang arrived later, and then Malay arrived even later after that.

We all sat out in the backyard eating and talking, and doing minor bets/dares like who could touch the basketball ring, and who could get the basketball in from a distance. To everyone's surprise, G just chucked it with his left hand and it went in, lol.

Although Shuing mentioned his suspicions about marriage troubles between Michael L and Eva, Ele and I played dumb.

After that we all went inside to play Jenga, which always manages to surprise me as to how exciting it can be for everyone. Shuing had never played the game and was entertained by it every time we played. He was immediately looking for strategy and trying to use physics to support his moves.

Whoever made the block fall had to eat something with wasabi on it, and the game would end when someone loses three times. That person happened to be me, even though after my first two losses I did fairly well to stay alive, but on the third one all I had to do was place the block on the top but that managed to tumble it.

I noticed Erica called me at about 8:30pm, but I didn't answer.

We played poker and then watched the fireworks on tv at midnight. I looked around the room as Shuing told Ele of our NYE days since the high school era, and I thought "and we're still single". I remember telling myself every year that the next would be experienced with a girlfriend. Well, now I sorta have someone, but she's not here.

We continued playing poker, and Shuing became increasingly aggressive/competitive. Although Ele was still smiling, I avoided looking at him as I had seen this 'mode' he's been in before - it's not pretty. When he lost, he actually stormed out of the house, saying he wouldn't come back to do the push ups as agreed. I knew he'd come back, and so did everyone else I guess, as we all just continued playing, lol.

He did come back, and the game was left to just Malay and G. Malay ended up winning, so he didn't have to do any push ups. We all went out to the backyard to do our push ups, and spent a long time waiting for Brain to complete his 30. Somehow he had managed to break it up into eight sets *shrugs*. I just felt sorry for Ele, being pregnant and in a cast, she probably wanted to go home.

After leaving the house, and after Ele and Yang drove off, the rest of us stayed on the street a bit doing more push ups, which meant more waiting for Brain. Malay didn't finish his due to pain, and then I was too tired so I just left and went home.