Work 14 days in a row...

Plan today was to go to the courts to continue working on my cross over and then I'd go to work. But I bummed around on the internet, and really, really didn't feel like going to work. But I knew: if I didn't go in today, there was no way I'd get my work done in time. Tomorrow some lady is coming back from inter-state, Jody, so there'll probably be half a day wasted talking if I know Mary.

I left home at about 12:30pm, walked to the office and got there at about 1-ish. To my surprise, I got my subs done rather quickly, in a few hours as a matter of fact, maybe because it was rather straight forward. It was a great, GREAT feeling to drop my subs into Mary's in-tray - tomorrow she will see those subs, yesterday's subs, and Friday's minute. Yes, I have been busy.

I left the office at about 3:45pm. Plan was to go to the gym, but I was tired, and I really wanted to be able to walk home in daylight, not night time. So I walked home after that.

I have a hearing Tuesday week, but I swear, I ain't going to work next weekend. No bloody way. I feel drained. Lucky it's pay day this Thursday.

Speaking of pay, as I walked home today, I had more thoughts of just saving up my money and discontinuing Emily. Seeing nice Audi cars everywhere inspired me even more. It's three days in a row now that I have had the urge and motivation to earn more money. However, I say that now, but not sure when the day comes...

A new league...

I was looking at the website for the Chinese comp, just browsing through some of the photos of the All-Star game for the division I'll be playing in (the lowest division). One or two names were familiar, but apart from that, there wasn't a face I could recognise.

It's a bit hard to believe that being gone for a few years, the league has transformed so much. Part of me wonders if I'll be able to compete, given my age now and my knee. I'll always remember that little snippet they did when Jordan came back with the Wizards, showing new players he had never played against who wanted to take his crown, like Vince Carter. It really made you question whether he could compete against them.

Looking at the photos, I tell myself that I could do better than that, but that was the same mistake I made when I first entered the league. Am I a little wiser? Maybe. But I am also definitely slower.

The days pass and the start of the next season edges closer...

6-12-1...long time no blog

Wow, been so busy with work lately I just haven't had a chance to blog.

On 17th we played the team coming last, Untouchables Black. Thought it'd be an easy rout so I let Phil start. How wrong I was. The combo of Phil and Any at guard just didn't seem to work as the other team got off to like an 0-8 start. Angelo came late, and then we both entered the game at the same time, and we began slowly catching up from there.

I hit a long jumper early on, but those were my only points. We were down by about 16 at one stage, but managed to get a three point lead late in the game. With a bit more than a minute to go, we were just passing it around, running the clock down, when Angelo decided to drive it, missed, and the other team came storming back after that and took the lead. We lost.

Fark.

We had duty after and I had to ref. It was between Lizards and Mario Bros. At first everything was going good, and the other ref even said I was doing a good job at halftime. Then it got a bit rough late in the game. Once, I saw the Lizards touch the ball last as it went out and I called it that way, but the guy was arguing, and then the stupid idiot from Mario Bros admitted to touching it last, and the fat guy from Lizards was yelling at me "when the player says something against his own interest, you have to let the players call it".

WTF?!?!?!?!

Wow, what a load of bullshit from that guy. Can't believe he's a ref.

The tall guy who argued the call went off the court, adn I heard the supervisor yell at him. After the game, the supervisor came and said I did a really good job and asked if I had training before, and I said no. I must admit I was a little shaken up after that, I just wanted to get the hell out of there. Don't think I'll be reffing next time.

Wednesday
I missed the game as I had to go to Newcastle the next day, but turns out we only had four and got totally smashed.

Thursday
I celebrated my fifth year anniversary as a lawyer by going out to Newcastle for a sentence. There was a chance that it would have to be adj to Monday, but luckily that didn't happen.

To my surprise we were changed to another judge and were first on. I felt a tad nervous, but as I felt the judge was a bit more informal than I expected, I started to relax.

That matter was finished rather quickly, so I left after that and went to use the bathroom as I was kinda busting. I saw another sol from Maitland who I didn't want to talk to - the one who 'harassed' Alanna, so I crossed the road to avoid him but he happened to cross the road as well, spotted me, and we got into a ten minute conversation about Korean restaurants in the city.

After that I went to buy a pack of candy (chocolate popcorn) for the office, then went back to the car park and drove off. There were a lot of cops on the freeway this day, on the way there and back, with lidars catching people who speed, so luckily I managed to stay under the speed limit for most of the trip.

I really didn't feel like doing any work when I got back. In fact, I was thinking about leaving. But I stayed, had a chat with Clare about her files while she goes on leave, and then left at about 5ish.

Friday
Yesterday was such a waste of a day. I have so much to do and really can't afford to waste a day. In the morning Mary, Steve, Moira, Ogre, Clare, Genie and I went to the office of the cops nearby for a talk. I find it really unprofessional of Ogre to make remarks about 'hot' officers whenever she's in a group with the other women.

That meeting went on for a while, and then when we went back to the office, I had lunch and did a few small tasks, then we had a branch meeting at 2:30pm. I was one of the first to get there, and in fact wanted to turn around when I saw it was only DS sitting in there, but bloody Mario cracked a joke about me putting my tie on just for the meeting, which alerted DS to my presence, so I reluctantly walked in.

I didn't want to look like I was avoiding him, yet I didn't want to sit right next to him either, so just sat a seat away from him. Melissa came to sit next to me, and soon the room was so full that I was asked to sit next to DS.

Two things:

1. While we were still waiting for everyone to come, I tried to make chit chat and just said to DS that the meeting with the police today was really good. Melissa was like "what meeting?" and I said an email was sent around to everyone, and she said she didn't get it, and kept asking. Genie was looking at us, and Melissa said "oh Genie's giving me the "shut up Melissa" look so I won't say anything", lol. She's funny, and as I've learned now, quite frank, but I did wonder if I had brought up something I wasn't meant to.

2. DS mentioned a case that had "gone through 74 people", obviously an exagerration, and I chuckled, only to see Imad look at me as if to say "what's so funny". Obviously because he is now handling the matter and it seems to be one big headache.

Other than that, everything went ok, but I didn't like sitting next to DS, cause it seemed like I was sucking up to him or something, and because people were watching him all the time, I was obviously in their line of sight too. Having said that, I did catch Julianne and Imad doze off for a while, lol.

I was pretty tired after that, but later in the afternoon, started on finishing my bloody minute. I finally finished it at about 7pm, told myself I'd re-read it the next day because I was too tired, and went to the gym.

At the gym, I felt like staying there till close. I did two types of benchpresses, curls, and abs. During rest breaks with abs, I would look out the window, and stare at the huge Meriton building. It made me want to be rich. I wanted to make money, and lots of it. I didn't know how, but I knew that working as an employee I will always have my income limited.

Today
Met up with Bo at Central at 9am for training. He seemed to be in a bit of a serious mood with his coffee and pie, mainly targeting Any. I'm basically of the attitude that there's only a few games left anyway, so don't really care if he shows up or not.

We caught the train to Homebush, then changed to a bus to get to Lidcombe. We got to meet most of the team today, with the exception of Nick (mother's birthday) and some guy called Gary. Alex 'approved' adding Jimmy to the team. Maybe it's just me, but having Jimmy makes it a bit more like "us versus them" within the team.

I played an alright game, did a bit of running, got a few fastbreaks. Best moment was probably when the other team was bringing the ball up. The big guy was dribbling, and their point guard was mucking around, walking in front of him with his hands behind him asking for the ball. The big guy lazily gave it to him, and I bursted up and snatched it, running down the court for a lay up.

Another time, this small guy had a fastbreak and I chased. I knew I shouldn't have, because it was training and I could've hurt my knee, but I went for the block. As soon as I left the ground, I heard voices like "ohh..." - but I didn't get the block, and didn't even make body contact, just jumped in front of the guy and scared the shit out of him, causing him to fall. I helped him up, but he was kinda like "what the hell did you do that for".

Then they started calling some dumb fouls and were accusing us of being rough. After the game the small guy came up to me, showed me a red patch on his arm, and said "do you guys always play this rough?"

I thought "what the hell, all I did was jump, you fell by yourself, someone else scratched you there, so why you asking me?" I just said "that wasn't me" and sat down. He sat next to me and sometimes looked like he wanted to talk, but I just stared blankly ahead.

Bo, Jimmy and I went to eat afterwards. I said yes, then said no, remembering I had to go to work. But then they convinced me anyway. We went to a Korean place in Strathfield, which wasn't good, because all these thoughts of Naby just flooded my mind. I half expected to see her there.

After that, Bo and I caught the train back to the city, and I went to the office. Genie was there, had a bit of a chat before I got down to business. I managed to finish my subs for Thursday's sentencing matter. YES!

I left at about 7pm, and walked home to save a bus ride. As I was walking home, for some reason, I got a bit more 'motivated' to save money and pay off my goddamn debt. I was considering either seeing Emily once every three weeks, or not seeing her at all. That would pay off my debt much faster.

I don't know, maybe it's just a spur of the moment thing. Maybe I'll just continue seeing her fortnightly after all these thoughts.

G's birthday

In the morning I went to the courts for a good hour. I worked on my cross-overs, going right, going left, did three sets of ten. I think I started feeling good about it but then when I went home and watched the AI video again, I think my footing is wrong. I think I'm using the wrong foot to cross over.

I caught the bus out to G's birthday, was a bit late, but just told myself that it was 'cool' if Shuing thought being late was 'smart'. Went to the restaurant and to the counter area where I saw G, Brain, Shuing, Michael L, Eva, Bob and Gnat waiting. I didn't know where to stand. Bob didn't acknowledge me even though I said hi, and I wasn't sure about where I stood with Shuing. In the end, it was too crowded to move, so just stood with Shuing and Michael L. Shuing said he didn't get a smile from me, and I just deflected it by saying Michael L didn't give me a smile.

When we were led to a table, G had some sort of argument with the manager about getting a big table for us. I couldn't understand it because they were speaking Mandarin, but I thought it would've been a good time to slip the manager a $5 note or something.

We ended up sitting at the table that the manager originally gave us, which wasn't much of a result for G's bargaining. I didn't have much choice as to where to sit, as we were just filing through. I ended up sitting between Shuing and Brain. Poor Brain was seated right in between the two tables. Always gets the awkward situation.

I had told myself to just sit and be quiet, so did that at the beginning. Then Claire arrived. There was only one seat left, even though Sally was coming. I was surprised because G had changed his fb status to 'single', so maybe that was a joke or something. Anyway, they were trying to organise a seat near Eva's end but couldn't, so Claire just sat in Sally's seat. I did wave hi to her when she arrived, but she said hi to the others, looked at me and didn't say hi. Guess she realised I deleted her off fb.

I didn't really care, just told myself to be a good boy, sit there and eat. I thought maybe she was looking at me for a while but I never looked to confirm. It was definitely awkward, and I told myself it should be the guy to make things unawkward. I asked for G's sunglasses and put them on, which made her laugh.

Later on Sally arrived and there was an additional seat placed next to Eva so everyone just slid one over to make room between G and Claire. Good too I suppose, cause it moved Bob from my table to the other table, although I didn't really mind. Given what has happened with Shuing, I wanted to team up with Bob again to defeat Shuing.

I wanted tea a few times, but if I was going to pour myself some, then I'd have to pour everyone some, which meant I'd have to pour Claire some, so I didn't. It was a bit easier after sally arrived, as there was more to talk about, and I found that I became more talkative and funny. One thing I really realised is this: I'm not good at starting conversations, but if someone brings something up, I will almost always have something funny to add. It's almost like I can't create anything myself, but I'm good at leeching onto the idea of others.

Eventually as time passed, I started communicating with Claire a bit more, whether it was the occasional eye contact, some passing remark, or pouring her tea. I could hear she mainly spoke with Shuing at first, sometimes in Mandarin, about Keen and his divorce.

Sally to my surprise asked if I had seen Amanda. I said I hadn't seen her since I last saw them, wanting to dismiss it quickly, but also kinda glad that it was brought up in front of Claire as it made it seemed like I had other options.

At one point, there was talk about eating and watching weight, and Shuing said something like "Bobby's the one who needs to watch his weight". I chuckled, and then saw the expression on Bobby's face, which was that kinda of quiet "I'm going to kill him if we're ever alone together" expression. I think Shuing went too far, and suddenly I felt sorry for Bob. The table went quiet, and Shuing added an extra sly chuckle to fill the silence. Hmmm.

The biggest laugh I got was when I said something about how the two tables seemed separated, and commented on the body language of Brain facing away from us. Sally said she noticed it as well, so I deliberately moved my chair and had my back facing the other table, which made Sally and Claire laugh.

Some of us had desserts, like Claire and I had mango puddings. I noticed she didn't finish hers. Sally asked me to finish it and I was like "errr..."

We had cake as well, organised by Sally so that was good. I don't know, I think G's a lucky bastard to have had as many girlfriends as he has had, as I watched him eat, dropping food out of his mouth without knowing it, with hair sticking out of his nostril, and with poor table manners and social skills.

There was a bit of cake left at the end, and I suggested Shuing and G play paper scissors rock and if Shuing lost then I'd eat it, but if G lost then he'd eat it. I did it because I knew Shuing liked to bet but didn't want to eat more cake. I was willing to make this sacrifice. Shuing lost, and explained how G's strategy had gotten smarter since last time. I just ate the cake.

We finished eating at 3pm, and then they went to karaoke while I went to the office. I didn't like it when Shuing suggested I was avoiding karaoke because Linda was going. I ended up seeing Melissa and Junar in the office as well, had a quick chat with them both before I resumed work on my brief assessment. Finished the second folder, and looks like I can finish the third folder this coming week.

I finished at about 5:45pm which was when the guys finished karaoke. I met up with them again and was surprised to see the group had been reduced to Brain, G, Sally and Shuing. We were at Capitol, upstairs with the toy machines, trying to get G a toy. G played, and I wasted $10 getting nothing.

On our walk to the coffee shop, a weird guy started waving at me. It was only until the others recognised him that I realised it was Zzz. Wow, he had changed a lot. He went from normal weight, to fat, and now was slightly built.

We went to Starbucks, and Scope arrived. I got the vibe that I was getting along well with Sally, maybe a bit too well, so made a conscious effort to back off. We all had a good time chatting, and I was a bit disappointed when G called stumps. We ended the night watching G and Shuing play a game on Sally's phone.

G and Sally went off together, and Shuing would drive us home. As we walked through hobo park, Shuing was telling me all these negative things about the sharemarket, which I didn't want to hear. He then said he could open a sports betting account for me, and I thought "aight, this is enough" and dropped back to talk to Scope about his trading. I noticed Shuing went further up ahead and walked off by himself.

It got to a point where Brain, Scope and I had lost him, we didn't know where we were, and it seemed like a dangerous area. I even said I was going to go back to Central to catch a bus home, when Shuing drove up to us. The car ride home was eery. It was silent apart from my occasional voice asking a nominal quesiton or comment. He dropped them off first, and then there was total silence in the ride to my house.

It was only towards the end that he said "you know they broke up first right?" and I asked about it, turns out G's parents were tring to set him up with another girl. But by then we had arrived at my house and so I had to get out.

I think Shuing had to get home for sports betting, hence the quiet, fast driving to get home. I seriously thought maybe he'd go psycho like Spawn, and pictured him stabbing me in the chest. Geez, dnot sure if I want that situation again.

Emily x3

Although I could've slept in today, I d myself half awake rolling around in bed at about 6-7am. Finally I got up, had some toast and then a shower. Left home at about 9am and drove dad to the pool before I went west to order the basketball uniforms.

I enjoyed the drive, just listening to Bad Meets Evil. As I neared the place, I went through roads that I recognised I used to go through to get to uni. I thought about stopping by the uni afterwards and checking out the library, where there were so many memories of NTM.

I pictured seeing NTM again...so, so much has happened since uni - I've been a gambling addict, I've been in my career for five years, I had knee surgery, and I've gone through various prostitutes.

I arrived at the shop, and approached the open door. It seemed like nothing had changed. There was no one there, but I heard footsteps coming down, only to see a many I'd never seen before. He said the guy was upstairs, and then had a chat with me. He said he was a referee, and I told him about how I used to buy jerseys from this shop.

When the guy came down, he recognised me immediately. I told him I hurt my knee and had surgery, so that's why I hadn't seen him for so long. He said he actually closed the shop for a year due to lack of customers, and he went into scrap metal. Damn, I thought about the last time when Dunnycan and I promised to give his business cards out and we didn't.

Anyway, I showed him the pictures I printed out and we discussed making it. The only thing I forgot to ask for was numbers on the shorts. Oh well. It was over in about 15-20 minutes, and I said bye to them both and left.

G had called so I returned his call. He asked if I was going to his birthday tomorrow, and I said yes and that I emailed him last night. He said he tried to contact Ele but she wasn't answering. Although I knew the answer, I didn't say anything. He also said Claire was coming. I had pretty much forgotten about her. This might be interesting. Not really hoping for anything. At most, maybe we'll talk and we'll go out once and then she'll reject me and the whole thing repeats itself.

I liked the drive back too, kinda wish I could've just kept on driving. Eventually I ended back home, where I had an ice cream and then caught the bus out to the city. I went to the office to do some work. Ogre and Junar were in. I had a bit of a talk with Ogre at first, didn't intend on talking to Junar. But I hadn't had lunch yet so I went to the kitchen to make a sandwich, and then Junar came in, and said she was going for the LO2 interviews and said she'd ask me about the questions while I was eating, so we sat in the para bay talking, which ended up being gossiping about other people. Ogre walked past and had a bit of a chat but seemed more focussed on doing her own work.

After that I went to my office and called up Optus to ask about the $240 invoice I got yesterday. Far out. Turns out it was an error and they'll call me on Friday to fix it.

Finally I got onto my work, which was quite enjoyable. Junar left first, then Ogre. I ended up finishing the first folder and starting the second. By then it was about 5pm, so I went to JB Hi-Fi to look for a USB stick to lend to Emily for her to copy Identity for me. It was $18 for 8GB, so stuff that, I'll just lend her Saw.

I went back to the office to unstack the dishwasher, then left to see Emily. I had called at about 4pm to make the booking. I told myself that if she wasn't working, then I'd just see it as saving my money and I'd see her next time. But when I asked if she was working tonight and didn't get a 'yes', my heart sank and I felt like I went into desperation mode where I quickly pondered seeing someone - anyone.

However, the receptionist was trying to say that she wasn't working tonight, just that she was finishing at 7pm. Which is what I meant. So I made the booking for 6:10pm. I thought that was a weird time and wondered if she had a booking before that.

Anyway, I left the office and commenced my walk there. I realised I had forgotten my credit card, so there was no hope of an extension. Probably a good thing.

I got there a bit early, so sat nearby for a while playing on my phone, and then went in at 6pm. It was a chubby girl at reception, I told her I made a booking and then paid $165. I thought my DVD would be really obvious, but it really didn't feel that way, tucked under my armpit.

I was asked to wait in the waiting area, and I half watched the tv and half rubbed my bald head, when she came out. She seemed happy to see me and held out her hand for me to hold, as we went to the other side of the building this time. I gave her the DVD and said "for you" and she remembered, and then I went into the toilet. I came back out to see the door closed, opened it and saw her.

She came over to greet me, and told me she had done it, pointing to her mouth. I asked her to show me, and she ran to the mirror and I followed. I asked her to open her mouth and she showed me her braces. It wasn't terribly bad.

She took off her clothes first, as I sat dwn and started taking off my shoes. She was reading the back of the DVD. I asked her for Identity and she said the same thing as last time, something about needing a USB, or bringing her notebook in or watching it here.

We went into the shower. She asked me to go in first, and I thought "great, now I have to shower myself" but she joined and washed me. She said her 5pm booking had cancelled so she had nothing to do. She said at 4pm she had a booking, but it was someone she'd never seen before. When she asked how he knew about her, he said it was from a recommendation. She said he was like a "grandpa" and she didn't allow touching. Good to know I'm not given the treatment that everyone else gets.

I said her braces made her look like a robot, and she didn't know what I meant at first, so I started moving my arms like a robot and she figured it out and laughed and said no.

I went to dry myself and she finished moments afterwards. I dried her back and then hugged her with the towel.

She asked me if I was sick last week. I thought she asked me who I saw last week. When I figured it out I said yes and she asked what type of sick. I pointed to my nose, and she said she has that now too. I said she gave it to me, and she said hers just started.

I was actually hoping we'd break the routine and just have sex, but I thought I'd play coy and just got onto the massage table as usual. I asked if she was tired and she said no. She started giving me the usual massage. While I was lying face down, we would rotate between silence and talking. I asked her why she cancelled the Chantelle thing last time and she said something about her boss asking her to understand Chantelle. She also said Chantelle was spreading bad rumours about her and her friend. I asked for her friend's name and she hesitated before saying Natasha. She asked why and I said I'll see her. She said no and I said "just once" and she said ok, if I introduce my friend to her, lol.

I asked why I couldn't see Natasha and she asked why I wouldn't introduce my friend to her, lol. I was trapped.

After the massage, she started kissing my body from legs up, and at one stage she rested her lips on my right shoulder. I turned to look at her, she had frozen but was looking back. I bumped my head lightly against hers and we laughed.

After a bit more, she asked me to turn around. She was on top of me and I started kissing her breasts, sometimes making her moan which was good. I wasn't really sure what she wanted to do. She got into a 69 position and went down on me and asked me not to touch her, but I did anyway.

After a while of that, she turned back around and I kissed her breasts again. She then stood up at the end of the table, unwrapping a condom, saying "last time ok". I said "you don't have to" and she stopped with the condom and got back on top of me. She was grinding, trapping me between her legs and sliding up and down. I swear I may have been inside her just a little bit at times, but wasn't too sure.

Sometimes it'd get pretty heated, especially when she'd 'collapse' on top of me and moan, kissing my neck. I kissed her neck as well at times, remembering how once Naby didn't want me kissing her neck.

Finally she went back to the end of the table, unwrapped the condom and put it on. She got on top of me and had me enter her. We were looking into eachother's eyes, as I thrusted up into her at times. We went like that for a while before I finished. She again said something about being hot, and pressed some buttons on the air conditioning remote.

She went to shower as I laid there, and she was splashing water towards me but against the glass, lol silly girl. I later then went up to the glass and made my hands into binoculars and looked at her and she directed the shower head at me, lol.

She then gestured for me to come into the shower, and left as I did. I washed myself and then scared her by pretending I was going for a hug while I was still wet. I asked her how long she needed to have her braces for, and she said 18 months, and maybe two years. I started laughing and she asked what was so funny, and I just said it was a very long time. She said she won't have a guy for two years and I said "what about me?"

I dried myself and got dressed. She was already dressed and was starting to place my belongings onto a table closer to me. It was funny, cause before she did that, I was thinking "this is when Naby would hand me my things".

She then started looking through my wallet and I was like "no no" and tried to reach for it but she kept it away from me. I didn't know what I had in there, hence my reluctance. She took out my drivers licence and laughed at the photo, and then took out my lawyer card as well. She pronounced my real name. I wonder if she thinks the name I told her is fake.

When she was finished with it, I joked and asked if I could extend. She said no, and I said I wanted to extend for five hours. We then left the room and said goodbye at the top of the stairs as I walked down and out.

I went to an Asian supermarket nearby to get some chilli sauce and two packs of chips, and then went home.

Junar jokes too far?

I walked to work again, thereby achieving my goal of doing it three times before Thursday to make sure I wouldn't have to buy a new bus ticket. Got to work just before 9am.

I was quite productive early on, then I had my pizza sandwich lunch, and after that things kinda fell apart a bit as I had to do bits and pieces here and there.

In the afternoon I was working on a new minute. At about 5:30pm I went to the photcopying room to get a print out and saw Junar. At first I was just like "hey", and then I got flirty/teasing. I said "you're still here? It's 5:30" and she was like "that joke's not funny anymore".

By now we had walked out of the photocopying room. I said "I'm just saying you're a hard worker" and she was like "whatever, what time do you get to work?" and I couldn't think of a witty response so just said "noon". I saw Bryony in the background with a weak smile on her face.

I went back to my room, thinking about what a dumb thing I had said. Bryony had come in at noon today! So it must've seemed like I was mocking her!! Fark.

As I kept working, I kept thinking about how dumb I was. I really should think before I speak. I told myself to just be silent and reclusive from now on.

Later on I went to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. It was probably about 6:30pm. Junar and Genie were about to leave together, and Junar told me that after our earlier exchange, Bryony went to her asking her if what had happened was real.

Oh my god! She thougth we were really fighting!!

So I was wrong about the mocking bit, but now I was surprised that she would think I was the type capable of being a bully! I felt a bit...shafted at first. I mean, just because she's the girl, then I must be the bully? Why didn't she approach me and ask if it was real or not?

Luckily Junar said she told her that we'd been working together, so the answer was basically we were joking. I joked back asking if I should tell her we do have some issues and she joked back yes, and then left with Genie.

So yeah, can't get that out of my mind now.

I planned to gym tonight but I think the cheese in the pizza sandwich made me bloated, and kept making me go to the bathroom, so that was the end of that.

Ele analyses Shuing

I walked to work this morning, although not as early as I would've liked.

After getting changed, I headed over to court. I met with the copper and we waited for the other side to show. We stood around for about 40 minutes I reckon, and had a bit of a good chat. He seemed like a nice bloke, the reasonable type. Anyway, I called the other side and turns out they cancelled it. Fook.

I also saw DC, he asked me for a coffee but I was broke so just said I had to go back to work.

I made my pizza sandwich, this time with salsa sauce - it was deeeelicious! I wish I had more time to savour it, but I was in a hurry because I wanted to go to a lunchtime CLE and I had a fresh matter in court later on but didn't know exactly when.

The CLE was a bit too basic. I went down with Clare, and I think neither of us saw Steve and Cameron sitting at one table, so we split and sat at different tables.

After that I went to court for the fresh matter. It was a bit awkward as when I went into court, there was basically no one except for the mag and the cofficer joking around. The matter got done relatively easily, it was a bit funny:

Mag: Greenacre, which police station is that?

Def: The closest one to Greenacre.

Mag: Well I know that!

Lol, fucking hell.

Anyway, I emailed Ele asking if she wanted to walk to Central together. She said yes. In the morning she had emailed me about fishing, looks like the group is going early October.

At about 5ish I went and got changed, then as I walked back, I saw Ogre, Mary, Rat aand Clare in a conversation. I just knew I was going to get pulled in, I knew it. Sure enough, Mary said something and I got caught in the conversation, albeit for a short while.

I then left and went to meet Ele. I stood at the intersection and looked through the stampede of people for her, and she came in front of me waving. I gave her my last mini-cherry ripe that I had in the office.

We started walking down, she asked about my clothes and I said I get changed in the office. She saw my shaved head but didn't say anything.

I asked what she had been up to since I hadn't heard from her for a while, and she said "Como". Apparently they have been looking at properties in that area, as they no longer wanted the original property. She went on for a while talking about how this new property is heritage property and the implications of renovating the same.

She asked me what I had been up to and I just said basketball, and told her I'll be playing in two comps soon. She seemed to take note of the days and time, and said I could go afterwards to soccer with her and Yang. Hmmm.

Then we talked about the share market plunging and them coming back, all the way to the train station. She then brought up Shuing, and I started saying how he was like a grumpy old man these days. She went a bit quiet, it seemed like this was my turn to talk, and her eyes seemed to indicate that. I told her about the beef incident at dinner. She said she thinks Shuing suffered a massive loss once, hence why he is the way he is. She also said he must be really frustrated inside due to a significant event, and that he is very stressed from his job. She also said although he is stubborn, she agrees with his views, but she also noted how he couldn't accept a different view.

We stood at the train station talking for a long time. Finally I suggested leaving, and asked her to eat the chocolate. She said she would, but not at night, adding that Bill called her fat. I said we'd do the City2Surf next year and she seemed interested, and then asked me to join a run she was doing soon from the city to home.

After we parted, I walked home in the dark. I thought it's funny how now I have completely lost the urge to gamble. When I was trying to break the addiction, it was pretty hard, but this time it seems like it was just as simple as flipping a switch - the trigger being a girl.

The no weights workout

I really, really wanted to go to the courts this morning to work on my cross over. Last night I was watching all these Iverson clips from youtube and googling how to do his cross overs.

BUT I woke up to the sound of rain, and that was the end of that :(

I took my time eating breakfast, and it stopped raining, so I walked out to the office, getting there at about 11am. At about noon I heard someone come in, and it was Genie. It was a bit weird cause she didn't come over to talk, instead, we just saw eachother at the photocopying room a while after she arrived. Hmmm.

Maybe I was just bored, or maybe it was something else, but I decided to message Emily. I had initially decided not to, but I remember telling her I'd bring the move next week and I didn't want to be seen as a liar.

Me @ 13:02 - Hey, I am sick today, so cannot come today...see you next week :)

I went out to buy the week's lunch, trying to limit myself to $20. I bought the stuff needed to make pizza, but forgot the bloody salsa sauce, grrr.

I got a bit of work done today, didn't finish my subs like I had wanted to, but still, it was a good effort.

I left at about 4pm and went to the gym in the city, only to see it closed at 3pm, grrr! So I walked to the one on Oxford St. My plan today was to have a workout that didn't involve weights, so I cycled, wrked on abs, did 3 x 5 chin ups, and 3 x 10 dips. I should do these more often as I don't feel like I do them enough.

I walked home, feeling a bit Ryu-ish as I imagined him saying "it's getting dark, we must get a move on".

I never got a reply from Emily, and never checked my phone as frequently as I did for Naby. Maybe it's due to three reasons:

1. I'm not into Emily as much as I was into Naby;

2. My message really didn't ask for a reply; and

3. Maybe I've been de-sensitised to the whole "trying to date a prostitute" thing, and now just expect that I'll be ignored.

Brain's birthday / End of Shuing

"I never meant this rhyme to be so offensive
If you weren't so defensive it wouldn't be
You're so sensitive"
-- Medicine Ball, Eminem

Yesterday I was still sick. I thought maybe I could chuck in half a day like I did on Thursday, then have an early break, but I ended up working the whole day. In the afternoon, DS gave me a file for Monday, and he seemed almost apologetic for interrupting me while I was reading. Hmmm. I wonder if I give off a scary impression. I've been thinking recently, of all the bosses I could have, I am pretty damn lucky to have him. Now that Jim Jim is away, and Paul is in his stead, with Murphy replacing Paul, it is a good indication of the future of this office. Neither Paul nor Murphy seem particularly nice, so DS is a million miles better.

Although I was sick, my nose wasn't as runny as the day before, but I had nevertheless decided I was in no shape to see Emily on the weekend, so I put back the $165 I had transferred back into my online high interest savings account.

Maybe it was just me, but it seems there is a bit of flirting/teasing going on between Junar and I. At lunch I decided to just have roast chicken and soup, so I went to the kitchen to prepare my stuff, when Steve came in and we just made chit chat. Junar then came in and was like "are you having chicken and soup? Is that a whole chicken?" (it was only a quarter)

I didn't have anything to fire back at so just chuckled. Then Steve left and Clare came in, and Junar was asking me how much I could run and said she could bench more than me, and flexed her arm. The teasing got to a point where I was left to say "isn't this bullying and harassment?"

Later on in the day I went to the kitchen and saw her talking to others near her room, eating some M&M's Ogre had bought. I was like "are you eating chocolate?" and she was about to throw one at me. Then even later on in the day, I had printed a lot of stuff, and she brought it to my room, saying I was lucky for her to do so. I stopped her and gave her a mini Cherry Ripe from a pack I had bought earlier. I threw it to her and she caught it. She said thanks, and I immediately said "are you eating chocolate again?" which made her playfully upset and walk out. I had thought about going to her room to do it, but then told myself not to start anything in the office (see: Katie) but this just seemed like an oppportunity that presented itself.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much, and she's just being 'one of the guys'.

I pretty much tanked it around 4:30ish, feeling tired and just looking forward to meeting the guys for Brain's birthday dinner.

I got changed in the office and then went to the meeting spot at 6:30pm. Thai had said days ago he'd be late, Malay said he had just left home as he just had his car fixed, Shuing did his usual "just get a table first and I'll meet you there", so I stood around until 7pm before I saw Brain.

I asked him about his dad going to hospital and he said his dad has a brain tumour and lung cancer, adn had brain surgery recently, so that was pretty bum news. I thought I could see his eyes watery. It made me think about my parents.

Then Shuing and G arrived, and after I told them I tried to book the dumplings place but they didn't take bookings, Shuing suggested we go there to line up first. So we went there, and found out it'd be like an hour wait.

We started heading to Chinatown at my suggestion, when we stopped at a corner to wait for Malay to arrive. We asked what Brain wanted, and after much indecisiveness, he said he felt like a steak. G said he knew an RSL club nearby which he had been to before for steak, so we started heading there. Once we were outside, no one actually made initiative to go inside, and again there was discussion about what Brain wanted to eat, and this time he didn't know.

Malay broke it down for him into Asian/Western, and he eventually decided on ribs at Hurricanes, so we headed to Darling Habour. On the way there, Shuing and I talked about the email he had sent me, about the predictions he made two months ago about riots. He said it was impressive, and I said it would've been more impressive if it happened later down the track, instead of just two months later. He suddenly became defensive.

"Are you serious? Do you seriously think that it's harder for me to say there will be a market crash and it happens 50 years later?"

I knew I had hit a soft point, and also knew I may have been wrong, but said "yep" anyway.

"You're an idiot! You're a fucking idiot!"

I called out to Malay to seek his opinion, and being the non-confrontational person that he is, he didn't join in, but obviously saw there was something wrong. I left Shuing and caught up to Malay and walked with him and Brain the rest of the way. I swear when Shuing said that to me, I thought about either hitting him, or walking away, but then figured it was Brain's birthday so I didn't want to cause a scene.

When we got to Darling Harbour, we found out that Hurricane's was an hour's wait. Shuing was doing the whole "I told you so" in the background, but I just ignored it. We then went to Hard Rock Cafe, and Pancakes, and same story. Shuing was now complaining about all the walking around, and Malay said it was part of the fun.

Like every other occasion with Shuing, he ended up imposing his will on all of us by going to a restaurant he wanted - anything with Asian food. I was getting tired of eating Asian, and I was even more tired of always eating what he wants. But it wasn't hard for him to impose his will on someone like Brain.

We ended up at a hotpot place in Chinatown, all you can eat buffet for $25 each. As soon as we got there, I went to the bathroom. When I came back, everyone was seated, and there was a seat between G and Malay, then a large gap between G and Shuing. I suppose I could've filled the large gap, but I sat in between G and Malay. Besides, there were no dishes placed at the seats in the large gap.

I'm not sure how obvious that was, but G soon moved to sit next to Shuing, claiming he wanted to avoid the air conditioning.

Malay went out for a phone call, then Thai called me but I couldn't answer it cause my phone crashed temporarily. I then went down to look for him, but he also called Brain so Brain came down as well. It ended up being Malay, Brain and I standing outside waiting for Thai. When we returned, the separation became even more startling - it was like a "Malay, Brain, Thai and me" dinner vs Shuing and G.

I was just content to ignore Shuing for the rest of the night, but things seemed to escalate from thereon. It started with the four of us talking amongst ourselves and G and Shuing talking between them about some dating show where they analysed the appearances of girls. There were some interactions between the two 'groups', but largely there was that separation.

The first dish had what I thought was beef. When it was cooked, Malay asked if it was beef and Shuing said it was lamb, and Malay ate it. I was pretty sure it looked like beef, but didn't want to start another argument, so I didn't say anything.

Later on, when we got more dishes, Malay was getting something out of the hot pot and asked if that was beef or lamb. Shuing said it was lamb, so Malay started eating it. Malay quickly spat it back out, saying it was beef, and Shuing broke into his laughter/chuckle, laughing so hard he had to put his head down.

Everyone else was silent. I looked at Malay and we gave eachother a "what the fuck" look, and I even saw Thai, the fairest of them all, give the same look. It was only Shuing laughing, and it was awkward, and stood out like a sore thumb. Moments later he obviously thought about it again, and laughed some more. No remorse.

Throughout the dinner, I was glad that Brain, Malay and Thai were saying they wanted KFC afterwards because the dinner wasn't very filling. Shuing obviously didn't like it, and I enjoyed it because he had clearly come to the view that this was the superior place for dinner for everyone...or maybe just himself. Then Malay suggested we go to Krispy Kreme afterwards, and I was really feeling like a donut, so I was up for it, and Shuing said he wouldn't join us if we went.

We finished dinner and somehow the idea of Krispy Kreme had turned into coffee as Malay tried to accomodate Shuing, but then we gave Brain the choice. I was thinking "please choose Krispy Kreme", and he did!

Yes!

So we headed over, and at the entrance, G said him and Shuing were going to head off. Well, it's clear which side he has chosen. When they left, Malay said they probably went to the casino, because Shuing had suggested it on the way there, and even Malay could see he was trying to impose his will on the group, wanting to do only what he wanted to do.

So while sitting down and eating our donuts, we had a big discussion about what had just happened. Malay and I were mainly against Shuing, but Thai put in a different view - whilst we said he had changed, Thai said he had always been that way, and that maybe we were just realising it now, or maybe he was just more comfortable with showing it now. Part of me didn't like how Thai didn't 'go with the flow', but at the same time I saw him as being the most objective person there, so I listened to what he said.

Malay drove us all home, and I couldn't believe what had happened in the night. When I stopped talking to Bobby, I told myself not to let the same thing happen with Shuing, and now it had. I began to wonder if it was just me, as I was the common denominator, but seeing that Malay agreed with me, I refused to believe that I was the problem. No, Shuing had to be the problem.

Today
Because I got home late last night, I woke up with a bit of a headache. Had breakfast then left to meet Nick and Bo at the train station. To my surprise they were there on time, and I was the one a bit late.

We caught the train to the courts, and I gave them my idea of making a business out of recording basketball games, but don't think I sold it to them.

When we got to the courts, we didn't see anyone we recognised so we waited a while before we saw Alex W. Soon the guys started appearing and we got the games underway. Jimmy, and a couple of Bo's old teammates, Gus and One, also came. They hadn't played for a while and it showed, although I thought Gus did remarkably well.

I tried the pick and roll with Nick, which seemed to work half the time. I pulled off a nice one where he cut straight to the basket and my bullet pass found him, leading to an easy basket. I also crossed a guy over, which I thought was good testament to my knee improving, but I find that my left foot scrapes the floor, causing a farting sound. I think it's just a lazy foot, if it didn't scrape I'd probably be even faster.

I thought I played pretty ok - I tried to look for rebounds and run when I could, leading to a lot of fast breaks by me. My shot was ok, though I didn't take many. I remember I faked a guy, dribbled to the free throw line and swished through a jumper.

Nick actually got scouted by some guy, who asked him to come to training. I felt a bit shunned, but then again, I'm sure there are plenty of short guys out there better than me. Like Jimmy said, "you can't teach height".

We also spoke about entering the upcoming comp, and it has been decided between Alex W and Alex Y that Nick will play for both teams. I'm not sure if I will like that guy called Dave though, he seems like a bit of a hog.

After the game, Jimmy, Bo, Nick and I went to eat in Auburn. We went to this nice pizza place, maybe ordered one pizza too many, but had a nice time talking and joking about Mike. I won't forget when we were at Jimmy's car after the game, and I asked if he remembered Mike. He said yes, and that Mike told him once that he used to be about to dunk, lol. Bo, Nick and I just broke out laughing, haha.

I didn't have enough cash, so Jimmy paid for me, and afterwards I went to an ATM to get some cash out, but he didn't have change, so I had to buy some soy bean milk to get change to pay him back.

We had to sneak through the barriers at the train station because we were beyond what our tickets had allowed, but it was easy cause no one seemed to care.

Nick said on the train I "ripped it today", playing better than Any, Angelo and Abi. Wow. I knew I played well, but that was a pretty high compliment. Maybe my form is finally starting to come back? I was humble, saying it was just easier to play against smaller guys, compared to the guys we usually play on Wednesday nights.

As I sat there, talking to Bo and Nick, I thought about how much better it was to be around basketball and these guys than Shuing's negativity. So, so much better.

I caught the bus home, had a shower, and then drove to the Wick to go to the gym. I just did the standard cycling, bench, curls and abs, and then went for a bit of a drive. On the way home I was racing this motorcycle. Of course, I lost. At the traffic light, he actually turned around to wave at me, lol. I think he slowed down to wait for me to continue the race, but I was arriving home so had to pull over.

My knee feels sore. Maybe it's due to pushing it by running the fastbreaks. It felt the same on Wednesdays. Maybe it's a sign that I haven't run as fast before this, or maybe it's a sign that I'm over-using it?

6-10-1...and sick

On Wednesday I sat in on Ogre's trial again. In the midst of it I had to battle with Mike in sending the message to him that Nick was not coming and we needed Carter. That guy is really thick. I had to tell him that five times before he reluctantly agreed to bring Carter along. Seriously.

Before we started, as we sat in the courtroom, our barista and the other side were talking about Asians and Campsie, and they were about to say something derogatory about Chinese restaurants when they paused and it was like "wait a minute, there's an Asian sitting between us".

Then at morning tea, I went to find Ogre and the informant and the barista went for a coffee. I found Ogre and we went to the coffee shop too. At the counter, she asked what I thought about the "whities". I didn't know what she meant at first, and then she said she was referring to the racist views of the barista and the informant.

After they had their coffees, the barista left first, and so the informant and I then had a bit of a chat. Turns out she knows something about my other matter, which led to her talking about how arrogant the def's daughter was, which had a "black people are bad" intonation to it. I was really surprised. I thought if they were all like this, then I wouldn't last in this job very long.

Anyway, the trial finished and the jury retired at 1pm. CJ said he wouldn't take a verdict between 1-2pm so I went back to the office for lunch. At about 2pm Ogre tells me there's a verdict.

This quick?? It must be a guilty verdict.

I wanted to go along for a couple of reasons: 1) I thought it was such a strong case that he must be guilty; and 2) I wanted to see his reaction when the verdict was read out. Part of that may have been due to the fact that he was Asian, or it may not have. I don't know.

This time Ogre took the seat at the bar table, and I sat in the public gallery, watching the jury and accused intently. As the jury was read out, I couldn't believe it: "not guilty".

Are you serious?? How else did the package get to the guy??? Fark me dead, what is the jury thinking. Oh well, guess CJ's directions really did have an effect.

I watched the accused some more, and then I realised I actually didn't want him to be convicted. I started feeling sorry for him. It was my defence side coming out. I was surprised at how much my views had changed since changing sides. I was happy, though, that this would piss the informant off, because she was such a racist. Can't believe they had 12 guys go arrest the dude.

After work, I got changed and went straight to the game. I didn't think Any was coming, Phil sent a message saying he couldn't make it due to work, Abi had Ramadan, and Bo didn't seem to realise what time the game was. I was a bit annoyed that people were cancelling at the last minute and/or didn't bother telling us that they weren't coming until asked.

When I got there, Mike and Carter were already there. I warmed up a bit, then Bo arrived just on time. It looked like it was just going to be the four of us, when Angelo showed up. So we had five, and we were up against JO.

We got off to a horrible start, I think they nearly tripled our score at one stage, despite Carter grabbing a tonne of offensive rebounds. Angelo wasn't the offensive force he usually is. I found the D letting me drive in the middle a few times, so I did but missed the three or so floaters I took. I airballed my first shot as well, then missed a couple of threes even though they felt good.

At halftime, the guy at the reception desk asked for Carter's name. We had obviously been busted. Carter said his name was Carter Ellery, lol. Then the guy asked me what his name was, and I said "I don't know". He was like "he's your teammate, how could you not know". Then Bo just confessed, and that was the end of that, and we started the second half with four players.

It seemed to give us a bit of a kick, as we played harder than usual. Angelo got a couple of decent blocks, Bo was grabbing some big rebounds, and even I grabbed a couple of long rebounds. One, I got and ran down the court. Only their tall lanky guy was in front of me. Suddenly everything about my knee had been forgotten as I sped down the court, only to be blocked on my left hand lay up.

Towards the end, I had the ball and pretended I was looking to pass to Bo, and then shot the three. Swish. Finally. I heard the girl doing duty cheer a bit. Great, that's what I needed - pity. I had stunk up so much that it was noticeable.

I remember at one point during some free throws, I stood there with my hands on my hips, feeling helpless, like I couldn't do anything myself to beat this team. Then I thought:

"Gambling and other distractions have deteriorated you into the player you are today."

I felt so bad. Yet also, at the end of the game, the only way I felt like we could win was if I started a fight. They were so good I just felt like punching them. But they were nice as well, so that was hard to do.

Bo and I did duty after, then caught the train together. I kept telling myself I really needed to slim down and be faster. I feel as if going to the gym has bulked me up too much. I told myself I would go for a run during lunch the next day.

Today
I woke up with a bit of a sore throat, but thought I'd be right. I walked to work, getting there at close to 9am, because I'd have this mental health training thing at 9:30am.

But after I got changed and all, I could feel the cold really start coming. My nose began running. I didn't think I should go to the training, but went anyway, and it was pretty bad.

I mean, the session was good, it really hit home for me when she said the brain of addicts was like splattered, because it relies on emotions and not logic (so true), but I just couldn't sit through the whole session cause my nose was so bad. I soaked up tissue from one pocket, then soaked the one from the other pocket. I'm sure people sitting behind me were thinking I was pretty disgusting.

Other interesting thing she said was that lawyers lead the stats in suicide rates because we focus on negative outcomes all the time. I bet those Asian parents never thought about this when they pushed their kids to law school.

There was a break at about 11am, and I quickly rushed to my office for some nasal relief. I finished up something for Judith, and then sent an email saying I was sick and left.

I caught a train to Burwood to get Malay a birthday present. My nose was running like shit on the train, but anyways. I went to the shopping centre and went to that store we went to last time. I got him that dancing monkey speakers. It was $60, and even though I was only willing to spend $50 max, I had to do it because he's been the only good friend. I will always remember him picking me up from the hospital.

A small part of me also figured that, in a strictly financial sense, that would mean the friendship only costs $5 per month.

I went to the foodcourt for lunch, had a pide meal deal. I was sneezing like a motherfucker which was pretty gross. Couldn't wait to get out of there. With a blocked nose, it always clears up when walking outdoors, so I needed that.

I caught the train back to the city then went home. Earlier I went to meet up with Malay to give him the present. I had a bit of a bitching session with him about Shuing, and then left.

Given my cold now, I'm not so sure if I'll even make it to see Emily on the weekend. Maybe it'll be a good thing, in that it'll save me some money. If I don't go, I'll send her a message to see how she responds.

In calculating my net worth now, I don't count the amount on my Citi credit card, which has gone up to $3000 now, all because in a span of a little more than a week, I couldn't control my emotions and went on a gambling/whoring binge. So easy to ruin what I had saved up for such a long time...

Anyways, I seem to be in better shape emotionally now, since Emily is filling that emotional void...temporarily anyway. I will really need to save according to a strict plan if I'm going to meet my target by the end of the year.

Recognised by CJ

Caught the bus to work today. I did a few small things before leaving to take Ogre's place in court. The judge was CJ. I was wondering how he'd acknowledge me, if at all. I sat in the public gallery and avoided eye contact. Sometimes I felt like he was looking at me but maybe it's just me.

When we broke for morning tea, I walked back to the office with Ogre to get some books and then returned by myself. As I was approaching the scanners, I saw GS and called out to him. We talked as we went through the scanners. I saw that his hair was a bit long, and I noticed him looking over my bald head. The thing on my mind was him separating from his wife, but I was trying to avoid bringing that up. He said he hadn't seen CJ on the bench since he became a judge, and he said he'd come have a look if he had time.

When I went back into court, this time I sat at the bar as Ogre was gone. When CJ came in, he said "I thought I recognised your instructing solicitor", lol. I'm sure this surprised the barista and the other lawyer. I didn't know what to do, I thought about saying something but couldn't, so just smiled and nodded.

At lunch I had to go back to the office to print some cases out for the barista PK. When I brought it back he was busy preparing, so I just ate my very fucking expensive sandwich in silence. Can't help but feel a bit snobbed by him.

Took notes for the rest of the day, which was a bit boring. However, watching the barista and lawyer do this fairly straight forward trial made me start to think that maybe I could do it? Maybe this is the beginning of an urge to take the next career step? I'd need money to do it though, grrr.

Hearing CJ talk really inspired me to work harder. It made me want to be the best lawyer I could be, not some mediocre lawyer who spends his time gambling and whoring. I wanted to stay back late and read cases, I wanted to improve myself.

When I went back to the office, I was a bit restless. I got caught in a conversation with Rat and Mary in the photocopying room, which turned in a "why the hell is Murphy patrolling the floor?!" chat, only to see him walk past. Ugh. Luckily I wasn't saying anything so he wouldn't have heard my voice. Mary half joked saying that she really shouldn't talk like that, and that maybe she'll get fired, then said she'd file an unfair dismissal claim and that'll be her ticket out, lol.

I seriously don't know why he has to patrol our floor though. First, it's a bit unfair that just because he's moved to our floor temporarily that he has to patrol it, I mean, what about the other floors?? Secondly, I think he should at least give us the credit of being mature adults. For fucks sakes, we're all lawyers, you should show your trust in us.

Anyway, I resumed work on my sex trade minute. It did make me think about Naby, although not as much as before. A small part of me wants to see her again, but a large part of me tells me not to unless she messages me first. Two things really clinch it for me to confirm that she doesn't like me as much as I like her: 1) she didn't get me a present, and 2) she never initiates texts, except that one time when she returned from Korea.

Re the first, it makes me think about my last visit with Emily, who suggested she'd bring her notebook in next time when I asked if she could lend me the movie Identity. At least she was willing to do something for me. Sometimes I get the feeling Naby is playing the "I never asked you to come see me, it was all you" card.

Emotional void - filled?

Probably for the first time in a very long time, I went to bed last night not really feeling anything for or against Naby. It was just a neutral feeling.

I walked to work today, had an ok day. I got most of my minute done, that really needs to be finished. It got a bit stressful in the middle of the day when someone from the other side called about the police seeing his client. It made my lunch go cold too, grrr.

I called up my credit card company and reduced my credit limit. I knew I had to control the devil, and this was one way of doing it. I reduced it from $12,000 to $6,000.

Also, during the day, this thought occurred to me: the girl who screwed me over was Emily. The girl I used to see at the massage shop was called Emily. Now this new girl at the massage shop is also called Emily. F me...

At the end of the day, I decided to go gambling, even though I had my gym gear with me. I went purely to make money. I didn't do it out of my anger with Naby. I just wanted to win back my losses.

My goal was to win $200. After a near death, I was up $170. Just $30 more and I could go, but nope, I ended up losing it all back. Fook. Ok, never again.

As I sat there at the tables, I could feel that it was a way to fill an emotional void. Naby filled that void for the last 18 months or so, but now I was beginning to feel that Emily was filling it. I'm not sure yet. Things are moving a bit fast. I didn't expect to have sex on the second visit.

We'll see how things go, guess I shouldn't hope for too much, and just try to have fun.

Emily...2

I actually felt like going into work today, don't know why. I just felt like I had nothing else to do, so work was the only option. It was starting to rain, so I caught a bus instead of walking like I had intended to.

I went to the supermarket in the city first to do a bit of grocery shopping to get my lunch for the week and also some Gatorade and pies for home.

I then went into the office. I thought someone would be there or would come later, but nope. Guess everyone was enjoying their weekend. I unstacked the dish washer, then reviewed a document for Mary's big matter. After that I worked on some reps for a bit, until about noon when I went to the gym.

I got changed in the office and walked there, bumped into Shira and her boyfriend on the way. Surprised she recognised me with a shaved head. I think I'm starting to pick myself back up to get into gym mode. The past week or so, when I didn't go that much, I could feel my right knee wasn't feeling as strong. Maybe it was mental, but still. Having done cycling a bit now, it feels strong again. It's like medicine for my knee that I have to take.

Afer gym I went back to the office. I felt like I had done a good amount of work, yet it was too early to just go home and end the day. I felt like I needed to do something. As usual, it came down to either gambling or whoring.

I decided that I'd see Naby first, and if she wasn't working, then gambling it was. I called the shop, and was told it was her "day off". I noticed how it wasn't "school holiday" like yesterday. Ok, so gambling it was.

But then I thought about my last blog entry, made only yesterday, about how I should save money to look after my parents as they get older by the day. I really didn't feel like gambling anyway. It's strange, it's something that I don't want to do, yet the addiction makes me want to do it anyway. So in the end, I decided to go whoring - I figured blowing $200 was better than $800.

I left my stuff in the office, and as I walked down the street, I had to decide which shop to go to. I checked the net on my phone. I wanted to go to 5 star, but saw that it was a bit expensive. I wanted to go to one near the train station, but remembered reading bad reviews on it. Then I finally decided to go to the massage place. I called the shop and asked if Emily was working and the lady said yes. I booked for 2pm, even though it was only 1:10pm.

I started walking there, and after withdrawing some money, I decided to go check out Paddy's Market to see if they had the Chicago Bulls shorts to match our jerseys. I'm really getting tired of wearing such short shorts. So I had a browse through there, and couldn't find anything. I left at about 1:30pm and thought I'd get there by 2pm, but over-estimated the distance, and got there like 1:45pm.

Even so, I was led to a room straight away. I was sitting down untying my shoelaces when Emily saw me from the hallway. She seemed excited and ran in. She straddled me on the chair. I asked if she remembered me and she said yes. I asked her how she was, and she said not too good, because someone had made her angry. I asked who and she said another girl. She started telling me about this 38 year old woman who works there, and was talking about something she had said to her, about being sick and working or something.

She got off me and we both started undressing. I was dressed rather casually - jeans, gym t-shirt and thin hoody. Of course, I didn't plan on going to a place like this today.

We went into the shower. She said "can I ask you a question?" and I said "no", lol. Remember that saying "being truthful is uninteresting"? Well I'm adopting that now, so an easy way to do so is to say the opposite of what you'd usually say, and it works. She was stunned by it and had to re-configure her plans. I then said "yes, just joking". She asked what my name was because she had forgot. I remained silent for a bit as she washed me from the back, hugging her body close to mine at times. It reminded me of what Naby used to do.

When she asked again, I said it started with 'D'. She guessed it straight away.

After the shower, as we were drying, she asked me what I did last night. I said I was with girls. She asked what I did after that, and I said "another girl". She asked after that, and I said "another girl", lol. She then said she was with guys last night, lol.

I got on the table face down. She started her usual massage. It was mostly quiet. I tried to fall asleep, but just thought about Naby. I wondered what she was thinking. Finally when it was time to slip the pillow under my head, she 'woke' me up, and told me not to sleep. She kept massaging me until she had me flip over. She told me again not to sleep, and I said "do you want to sleep with me?" but I didn't quite catch her response.

She pulled me up soon and she laid face down. I took the cue and started kissing her back, slowly moving down to her legs. I really was at a bit of a loss as to what to do, because I didn't know where she was going with this. After a while, she asked to turn around, and I started kissing the front of her body.

I soon was close to kissing her lips, and we ended up kissing on the face and neck a few times, and I was also now grinding up and down on her tummy. I even did that thing Naby did to me, like sucking my lips and making a "bup" sound, pretending to kiss her, which made her laugh. Not sure how much she was liking it, but she would hold me really tight at times. Again, I wasn't sure where she wanted to go, and at one point I think it accidentally 'went in'.

This went on for a while, before we switched positions and she got on top. She started grinding up and down using her legs to grip me. I was pretty sure this wasn't going to get me off, and I began wondering how much time we had left, when the buzzer went. Grrr. I asked if she wanted to extend, and she said it was up to me, but that we might have an 'accident' if I did.

I said there won't be any accidents, and told her I'd extend for an hour. She made the call and then resumed position. I was feeling her down there and she was really, really wet. Soon, she just guided me inside her. I was a bit surprised. For a while I wasn't even sure if I was inside her or not, but now I was sure. She started humping up and down, and after a while, I came.

She said she knew there'd be an accident, and I said it wasn't an accident (I thought accident meant doing it without a condom). I'm not sure how she felt about the fact that we had just had sex, but she was flushed and hot, as she kept trying to cool herself down. She even seemed a bit embarassed that it had happened, and acted like there were cameras in the room and was trying to hide the fact from the cameras.

I must admit, I think it was a bit too soon to have sex. Even with Jenny/Emily, I don't think I got it on the second visit. Also, I was still emotionally attached to Naby. Now, it felt like someone had forcibly removed me from Naby and put me into Emily. It didn't feel natural. I think I need time to get over Naby.

She laid down next to me and we held eachother, I asked her to flex her muscles and she did, and then she asked if I wanted a drink. She called for water, and this was brought to the door. When she returned with the water, she had sat up on the bed, and I laid there after I took a sip. As I sipped the drink, I split my pinky toe from the others and asked if she could do it. She could. I then flexed my calves and asked her if she could. She tried and couldn't, lol.

Here is where we talked A LOT. We talked about:

- she currently works as a hairdresser on weekdays, and this job on weekends. When she returns to study in two weeks, she will study on weekdays, work as a hairdresser after that, and massage shop on weekends;

- she will have dental work done in two weeks to get braces to fix her teeth sticking out, and she has already had one or two teeth removed;

- I asked her if I looked better with a shaved head and she said it was ok, and she inspected it closely...she said on the internet there were products for hair growth, and I said they were too expensive...I said I lost my hair in my last job;

- she asked me what my job was, and I hesitated, before she urged me, saying she had told me her stuff, so I told her I was a lawyer. She asked what about now, and I said the same, but different company. She said she had lawyer customers and they too said it was stressful;

- she said in Korea, she had made a male customer cry after he claimed she cut his hair too short;

- I said she should open her own hair dressing salon, and she seemed reluctant, saying she wanted to teach hairdressing instead, adding that it would be too much work to run a shop;

- I said she could shave my head and she refused, saying it was too easy;

- she said the old woman at the shop had breast implants, and I jokingly asked if she would have them, and she said after she has kids. I asked her how many kids she wanted, and she said three daughters. I said I wanted three sons, she asked why and I said so I could teach them basketball. Then she said somehting about nine children;

- she said she was studying her IELTS and wanted to get PR. She said studying written English was hard, and I offered my help;

- she said she likes horror movies, and I asked if she's seen Saw, doubtful that she would even know what it was, and then she said yes, that she had seen all of them except the last. I said I'd lend her the last one and she seemed pretty excited. I said I didn't really like the violence, only the mind tricks in the movie, and she knew what I was talking about;

Wow, can't believe I found a girl who likes Saw.

- I told her about my case where my client pulled out the eye ball of another person;

The buzzer went, and I noticed she said somehting like "shit" as if she didn't want our conversation to end. I felt like we were gaining a lot of momentum. She showered, and when I was about to join she splashed water at me, signalling for me to stay out. The buzzer went a few more times, and she said it must mean she has another booking, because usually they only buzz once.

I showered after her then got dressed. She asked if I had seen a movie called Identity and I said no, and asked if she could lend it to me. She said she had it on a file, and would bring a notebook next time. I said I'd just bring a usb.

She asked me for a favour - she asked if I could call up the shop and make a booking for the old lady, Chantelle, and to not show up, lol. She went to get my phone and I helped her get it out of the cover. I pulled up the dial screen for her and she entered her number. I asked "is this Chantelle's phone?" and she laughed. I called her so she got my number.

I left, feeling pretty good that I had gotten a number. Maybe it really wasn't that hard to get a girl's number.

I grabbed a chilli dog, dropped the sausage on the walk back to the office, and finished the rest. G had called, and he wanted to meet up, so I called back saying yes. I went back to the office to get my stuff and walked home. It started raining pretty hard towards the end.

I went with G and Shuing to GJ at Chinksford, where Shuing was mainly fixated on talking about a dating game show an acquaintace of G's had gone on in China. I find it difficult to being around Shuing now, because he gets too defensive easily. And he is always right.

During our stay at the coffee shop, I checked my phone and saw that Emily had sent me a message.

Emily @ 18:09 - Hi i'm emily i told you something ! Don't do that! Sorry^

I didn't expect a message this soon. Or maybe she really had genuine regrets about tricking her colleague.

Me @ 18:29 - Ok, guess I'll have to see her for an hour then!

Emily @ 19:46 - Don't do that!! See you next time!

After that, I had G drive us to KFC because my mom wanted some, and Shuing had to buy his dinner too, lol. Nice of G to do that.

Amy / Rise of the Planet of the Apes

In the morning, I had semi-decided to go see Naby, even though it was only a few days ago that I decided I'd go at least a month without seeing her. I guess my 'stance' was softer now. Maybe my confidence was back. I felt like I could see her and be loose, joke about her not wanting to come to dinner with me, as opposed to previously held ideas to see her and delibertaely not hold her hand whne she offered it, or just go 'talk' about our issues.

My semi-decision was locked in when I told my dad I would like to use the car at 2pm. So I had a nap until about 11:30am and then bummed around on the net.

I left home at about 1:30pm, and once down in the garage, I made the call. I asked if Bibi was working, and the guy said "school holiday". I thought he said something else so asked him to repeat it, and he said "school holiday".

Oh. That was sad. What the hell does that mean anyway? Maybe it's just a cover up for immigration.

Although I wasn't totally expecting her to be working today (I have learned not to hold high expectations anymore), the disappointment was still very much great. It is like a broken heart.

But I decided that maybe this was a good opportunity to 'start' something new with someone else - I had Crystal or Amy in mind. But I didn't really want to see a line up, for fear of being recognised (especially by Tiffany) and the word getting back to Naby.

I drove to the city, parked where G normally parks because it's free, then made the 20 or so minute walk to withdraw the cash, then returned to my car. I don't know how G does it, I think he should just pay for a damn parking ticket.

I then had a bit of time left, thinking that maybe there was a chance Naby would change her mind and end up working at 3pm, so I wanted to get there at around that time.

I remember another shop being advertised on the forums, and one girl there was called Bibi, so I decided to go for a drive and check it out. I was pretty sure it wasn't Naby, because this shop's prices were a lot cheaper, so don't know why she'd change shops to get less money.

I drove there and saw the sign of the shop. It's always a bit of an exciting discovery to find these places. I then drove to Naby's shop, getting there just before 3pm.

I walked in and the 'new' usual guy opened the door. I notice he closed the door to the girls' room as he opened the main door. He said all girls were busy and asked if I was willing to wait. I said yes and asked who was working. He asked who I was looking for. I asked for Bibi, Crystal and Amy, and he said only Amy was working, so I said I'd go with her. He said it'd be about 15 minutes.

I went to the bathroom and then sat in the smaller waiting room closest to the stairs. I could hear two girls arrive through the front door.

I guess they really don't have a back door...

I also heard some female footsteps walking around, and the calling of a name. At first I thought they were calling me, but then I figured the guy must have the same name as me.

Two Asian guys just finished and I saw them. I am pretty sure I'm better looking than them, and told myself I had nothing to worry about if that was the level of competition I had for Naby.

After about 15 minutes, I got called by the guy, and there stood Amy. I looked at her and she didn't look familiar at first, but then it sort of clicked in my head.

I walked up the stairs first, we went into a small room to the left on the second floor. I asked her if she remembered me and she said yes. She said she was not stupid, and said I was the "talking guy" lol. She said she started at noon and would finish at 12am. She also noticed how I had shaved my head since last time. I said it was because it was getting hot.

She went back out to get the stuff and I started untying my shoelaces. She came back and we made some light chat, just "how are you" and stuff as I stripped. Then she stripped and we went into the shower. The shower was leaking a lot, which meant it was using up the hot water, and so it took a while for us to have the hot water again. It got to a point where I thought "damn, this is a waste of time".

She said she had been on a two week holiday before, and went to clubs like Bamboo, Cheers and Sharkies. I said she was pretty so many guys would've talked to her, and she said she didn't like it, and only went there for dancing.

She asked me what I was doing after and I said watching a movie. She said she wanted to see Transformers 3. If this was a regular, I would've taken that as an invitation. I thought about it, but after a bit of silence I just said she could go on her off day. She also said her favourite movie was Pirates of the Carribbean and that she had seen all of them.

The shower finally got hot and she started showering me slowly. She had me spit out my lolly because she wanted me to rinse with Listerine. I was enjoying that lolly too.

When she finished showering me, I went to dry, and she finished soon after. I laid on the bed on my tummy, and said it was a small bed. She asked if mine was a King size, I lied and said Queen.

She got on top of me and started rubbing her boobs on my body at first, and then she started making slow kisses all over my body. It was pretty slow actually. Then she had me turn around and she went down on me - slowly.

Then she put the condom on and some lube, and she asked me to get on top. I licked and kissed her breasts for a while and then entered her. Maybe she's a good faker, but she seemed into it at first, and she even said she came. I was "really? Chincha?" and she said yes. In hindsight, I think she said that only to make me finish sooner.

I kept going wanting to finish, but I needed to change positions. I wanted her on top, but she wanted doggy. We couldn't get the mechanics right so she got on top. She said she was tired and asked me to tell her when I finished. After a while I did finish, but it took a lot of mental effort - I had to think about Naby.

After that, she asked if I wanted a drink. I said I wanted the yellow and green one, and she didn't seem to know what I was referring to. She went out and came back in with two drinks. I opened my can up and took a few sips. I asked what her drink was and she said it was Korean Sprite and opened it for me to try. I tried it and it was just like Sprite.

I laid down and she sat there smoking. I wanted to hold her. We talked about food a bit. She said just because she was Korean everyone assumed she liked kimchi, but she said she likes "gogi" (meat) - she actually said she likes it very much. I told her next time I'd come with a cow, and that I used to live in a place with lots of cows.

I eventually patted the spot next to me, and she laid down, albeit with her towel still around her body. I held her but noticed she just laid there.

Sigh...there is no substitute for Naby...

I asked her how many rooms there were and she said 11. I said there didn't seem to be many girls working and she said there were more at night. She said she was trying to remember my last visit - she said it was about a month ago, that I was in a suit, and that I said I was a lawyer. I said I remembered her telling me to come back when i wasn't tired, and she remembered.

I eventually gave up 'trying' to create chemistry, or 'trying' to recreate the Naby experience, and just closed my eyes. Then the buzzer went. Damnit.

I showered first, and then she showered. As I watched her getting dressed, I realised she was a bit shy, turning away from me to dress.

I walked down the stairs first, then turned and said goodbye at the bottom. I walked out back to my car, but as I did, a car passing by had some guy yell out. It sounded like "[insert name here] you dickhead!" I was afraid someone recognised me, and more fearful that they saw me come out of that place. But I checked my fb and phone and no one had sent anything, so maybe it was an angry driver yelling at someone else.

I drove to get some petrol, then went to the shopping centre near me to watch Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

It was a good movie, a bit heart breaking to see the treatment of the chimps and the relationship between Caesar and Franco. Two things really hit me:

1. Franco's dad suffering dementia really made me think about my parents' future. They're starting to get pretty old, and I realised that I need to save up lots of money for them to be taken care of later on. So of course, no more gambling. It also made me wonder what was the health status of Naby's mom, and why she had to take care of her so much.

2. Towards the end when Franco asks Caesar to come home, Caesar looks at the rest of the chimps and says "Caesar is home". It made me think that Naby and I live in two totally different worlds, and that we can never mix. She is home in her world, and will always be in her world, while I'll always be in mine.

Now that I'm back home, I've realised a few things:

1. DO NOT over-react whenever something Naby happens, whether it be finding out that she's not working, or her ignoring your text. Just rest assured that you will see her later some day.

2. Related to the above, I don't know why I over-react. Everytime I find out she's not working, I wonder if she has met a guy, maybe a Korean guy from her school? Maybe that's my deepest insecurity? Maybe it goes back to Emilee...

The insecure side of me also wonders if she skipped work today to avoid me, but the rational side of me tells me that's nonsense. Seriously, miss out a whole day's income because of you??

3. I will ALWAYS regret seeing someone other than Naby, trust me. The feeling just isn't there with anyone else. So, stop wasting your money on other girls. If she's not working, then just save your money for next time.

4. I keep remembering Fam saying to me the only thing he didn't like about breaking up was starting all over again. He wasn't sad that things had ended, but rather, he just found it annoying that things had to start all over again. I feel the same way. I don't want to go through all that stuff again with seeing them every week. I've already established that with Naby, and I don't want to lose all that.

I've also spent the past hour or so trying to recover Naby's phone number from my phone, with no luck. No biggie I guess, I can just ask her again next time I see her. Do I regret deleting it? Not really, because I'm sure I would've sent her a message I would've regretted. Maybe next time just write it down somewhere.

6-9-1

Wednesday
Our game was at 7:50pm, so I went straight from work. I didn't want to hang around at work for too long and tire my eyes out, so I left at about 6pm. As I was walking, I suddenly had the urge to shave my head. I felt that the weather was changing anyway. Also, part of me wanted to symbolise the no-more gambling thing.

So I went to that $10 barber shop and had my head shaved. When I said "number one" the lady was like "that's very short", and I said "winter's over". She laughed and said it wasn't over. The part I hate the most when shaving my head is when they're only half way through. She did the top first, leaving the sides there, and it was really disgusting. I don't know how old people can keep this hairstyle, if I were them I'd shave the whole thing off.

Feeling smooth and cool as I walked out, I headed to the train station. I was waiting at Town Hall, toying with my mp3 player when someone approached me. I was surprised to see it was Any, as I had messaged him a few days earlier asking if he'd be coming and he said "maybe" and that he'd let me know, but he never got back to me.

But after the initial chit chat, we had a period of silence. I guess a few things have come to realisation now: he wasn't as good as I thought he was, he seems a bit arrogant, and I don't think I'm going to get my money back.

We walked to the courts talking about religion, lol. When we got there we just sat around. One team asked us to play for them because they only had three, but then we weren't allowed because we were from the same division. Later, white Mike arrived and we approached him. He was strapping his ankles up, and Any stuck his hand out for a high five and Mike returned it. I did the same, but he didn't see it so it went ignored, lol. I could just picture a tv camera capturing that and making fun of it.

Then Angelo arrived, and I was sitting next to white Mike. He approached white Mike and they high-fived eachother, but Angelo didn't seem to see me. Goddamn, I sure am being ignored today! He later saw me and just said "hey how's it going".

We had everyone except Foz, and even Carter came to watch. We played the best team. Nick kept saying we had beat them before so we could do it again, but I always think "but when we beat them, they only had four..."

Although before the game I wasn't really feeling it, now I was up to the challenge. Nick was telling us the game plan, and Angelo did a very similar thing of "I don't really want to listen to you", adding "we'll see" when Nick finished talking. I started, and we played a 3-2 zone. We were doing alright. I noticed Angelo passed a bit more, but it seemed more like the "I'm only passing because you guys are whining, so I'll pass and stand here to see how you retards screw up" type of passing.

I missed my first shot, and then hit a jumper from the right wing, which really got my confidence up. I was playing ok D too, despite the slippery floor. I went off after a bit more than 10 minutes, thinking the other guys needed some time too.

At halftime we were only down by five, so it looked like we had a shot. But as per what seems to be usual now, we sucked in the second half. Angelo started taking more shots, like walking up and shooting a three. Then Nick and Bo got tangled up a few times, leading to arguments. I was covering a guy on the sideline when he elbowed me in the mouth, and it was a foul on me!!!

I thought "fuck that" and subbed myself off. I could feel my bottom lip was swelling up. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, just sitting there with a cold 'Mutombo' look on my face, but eventually I asked Mike if it was noticeable, and he said yeah. Damn, I had a conference tomorrow too, and it wasn't gonna be good if I showed up with a shaved head and swollen lip. It'll look like I got into a fight.

Late in the game we called a time out, and Nick and Angelo were arguing. Nick just ended it by saying "we'll talk about that after the game". Then Angelo and Any were arguing about something, I don't know what. Goddamnit.

I watched as the other team pulled away rather quickly. White Mike had benched himself and didn't want to go back on.

After the game, I went to shake the hands of the other team. Then I saw as Bo shook hands with a guy he had had an argument with, and the other guy said "is that the best you can do?" and Bo said "fuck you cunt" and both Bo and Nick ended up on their bench talking. Far out.

Any left straight away, saying he'd be at the train station, but I stayed with the guys as they had to do duty. After duty, Bo, Nick, Phil and I ate Macca's/Oporto's, sitting on the public benches near the station, talking about the night's game. It's always good to 'de-brief' like that after the game. Nick, Phil and I agreed to train on Saturday.

I caught the train back with Phil and all we talked about was the share market going down, lol.

Thursday
On Thursday after work I was a good boy and went to the gym. I felt like I hadn't been for a while, so didn't want to go too hard, but at the same time, I felt like staying there for hours.

I swear I felt the urge to go to the brothel nearby. Don't know why, but the thoughts are as addictive as the gambling thoughts now. But I resisted, and just went home.

Friday
Intent on getting a lot of work done, I failed. I started the day in court for Ogre's matter. It was CP, and the cop showed me the disputed image at court, which was kinda weird.

We were in that big courtroom where HK client had his trial. I couldn't believe I was now standing in the position of the Crown! Some memories came flooding back to me, goddamnit.

The family was giving me some very cold looks. They probably thought I was the type to ask for the maximum, but I wanted to say "hey, it's not even my file, I'm just filling in".

After that we had a fire evacuation exercise. I left with Bec and we went to find Mary and Clare at the coffee shop. We joined them and then left after a while. Maybe it's nothing, but I noticed that when we went to pay, Mary paid for Clare and Clare paid her back, but I just thought it would've been a polite gesture to offer to pay for me.

We caught the lift back up only to see that they were just starting the drill, although Mary quickly scrambled in claiming she had a sore foot. I now know that exercise is her weakness.

So Clare, Junar, Alex and I had to walk down the stairs. Frig! Clare and I came all the way up just to walk back down!

We walked to the park and back, and then it was 11:30am. I bludged until noon and then went to the bank to deposit my coins and then went to get some lunch to eat back at the office.

I spent the day trying to finish a minute, then remembered I had to do instructions for Monday and I think I caused Alex to panick a bit, lol.

Then I was just too tired to do anything, so just spent the rest of my time either watching the stock market fall (fell 170 points in a day...FML) and talk to Mary/Clare.

After work, I went to the gym. I had left my credit card at home, thank God, because I knew the urges would come after work.

I walked home after gym, and went to bed rather early, wanting to be ready for training with Nick.

Today
I found myself awake at 4am. The voice was calling. The gambling voice. I tried to shut it out, but it became too loud. It decided for me that I'd go try to win my money back.

I quietly crept out of bed, got dressed and went downstairs. I drove out a bit then remembered I forgot my credit card, so had to sneak back up to get it.

I broke about three traffic road rules in going to the ATM and withdrawing cash. This was what desperation is like.

I withdrew $800, originally intending $1,000 but figured if I was gonna be down $800, I wouldn't have much hope by then anyway.

I went to the casino and found a table with two guys playing it. I looked at the numbers and saw that it was ok, had been landing in my sector every once in a while at least. Not too bad. Then when I started it went like five spins without landing in my secotr, FFS.

Then I won a bit back, then there was a dealer change where I was up $200. Then the original dealer came back and I lost it back. On the last spin, I placed $200 worth of chips on my sector, figuring it had to come out by now. I had about four chips on 19, and it landed next door on 4...........

I had won $500 in black chips in my pocket. I could've walked out with that but didn't. I kept playing, table to table, betting on colour and columns.

The thing that really pissed me off was that on a lot of bets, it landed on exactly the other number I needed. So if I bet black and third column, it'd land on five. Fuck. And this happened on my last bet when I lost control and placed $200 on red and $200 on middle column, and it landed on 24.

I walked out, feeling like a loser in the cold, not wanting to admit or face what I had just done. I also wondered if I'd be physically ready for training.

Then I did something stupid. I decided to drive to Naby's shop to see the girls catching their taxis to go home. I drove past the massage place and saw a few taxis there, with drivers standing outside waiting.

When I got to Naby's shop, I stopped nearby, and waited. I waited about 10 minutes before moving on, not seeing anything at all. When I passed the door, I noticed the gate was down - it was already closed.

But, having done that, and being up since 4am, I am starting to empathise with her a little bit. I'm tired now, and I was only up from 4am. She's been up since 3pm yesterday, so all she'd wanna do is go to sleep. She wouldn't have time to go out.

Maybe there is a legitimate reason for her not wanting to go out with me...and Nick just cancelled training so I am thinking of seeing her today....