A quiet NYE

I went out today to print off a stat dec I need for my replacement testamur because the one I originally sent in was too vague. So I went to the shopping centre near me to print it off and then went to the post office and the bank to try to get it witnessed. I find that when people don't know something, they'll just automatically say no to save themselves from trouble. The bank probably told me to fuck off because it didn't produce any money for them.

So anyway, had to go to the police station at the Bra to get it done. While I was waiting at the counter, someone from outside yelled which made me turn around, and in came two officers, a male and a female. The female was kinda tall-ish, with short black hair. I thought she was really attractive (or maybe it was because of the uniform) so when she sat down at her desk, I looked at her and she caught me looking. She looked down and then brushed her hair back behind her ear. I wonder if that was some slight sign of interest.

I then went to the Wick where I rented some movies. I initially picked out About Schmidt and The Pianist, but the girl said picking out two more would be the same price, so I also got Love Actually and My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

I finished watching About Schmit over lunch (I started watching it in Lismore but the disc was scratched), and got an average feeling afterwards. I'm sure it would've been a lot better had I watched it all in one go. Breaking movies up is always a bad idea.

But the end of the movie did make me think about my own life and mortality. What was I going to achieve, if anything, in this life? Would I be remembered? Will we all be forgotten once everyone else who knows us has also died? It really does put ourselves into perspective. We're really not as special as we think we are, individually.

Anyway, I think this will be a rare NYE where I'll be spending it at home. Michael L, Eva, Bob and G are going on a trip down south, and since Michael L will be with Eva, picturing just Bob and G didn't seem too appealing, although I'm secretly glad no one else went. Brain and Scope stayed home, so I thought I might as well. I think Malay's with his clubbing friends.

I might watch a movie later, but I wanna go for a jog tomorrow!

Observations on internet dating

Yesterday morning I went to the courts to shoot around. I was much more flexible and agile, worked on some of my old moves like jump stop and hop, was a bit more adventurous in jumping and rebounding, absolutely loved it! So much freedom is there when I'm on the court by myself. I'm also starting to feel a bit of that hunger too of playing against others, just a little half court scrimmage and seeing how I fare. I'm tempted to give Mike a call and organise something, but I want the next time to see him to be with a healthy knee and have him see the new and improved me.

I bummed around at home a bit and then went to the city internet cafe to try to print my dad's plane ticket but it wouldn't print for some reason, so I drove to the shopping centre near me to do it. After printing it off there I decided to check out Myer to see if they had anything that was a bargain given the festive season, but despite all the 30% off signs, everything was still the same price!!

I heard someone call my name but dismissed it as calling someone else, and then later heard it again and I looked. It was Najmah, lol. He was working there and we had a brief chat in which he told me he had broken up with his girlfriend of five years cause she was crazy and how he went overseas to get over it. Hmmm.

After that I went back home, got changed and went to the park for a jog. I think I did about half a lap, if not a bit more. This time it wasn't my shoulders, but my fitness I suppose. Or maybe mentally I just wasn't motivated enough.

At home, I bummed on the net a bit and then decided to go to the casino. I told myself it'd be the last time, since it was going to be the end of the year. I lost $400 rather easily and left, went to the massage shop and had a massage, so it was kinda like one of 'those' nights I used to have back when gambling was a much bigger problem. I somehow miss it, but keep telling myself it's not something to be missed.

Today I went for a one mile jog, did it in 8 minutes 30 seconds. Kinda bad cause I was actually aiming for 7 minutes, haha. It was drizzling rain too. I remember a few days ago it was raining and I saw people running and I admired them for their efforts. They made no excuses, whereas most people would've said "oh it's raining, I'll skip it today". So that really made me want to run in the rain.

Internet dating
So anyway, when I was in Lismore I got so bored I decided to try internet dating, and created an account with Oasis. I don't think I ever took it too seriously because my descriptions were either exact and extreme opposites of what the mainstream people said, or rubbish from Eminem's lyrics, lol.

I really only talk to this one girl who is originally from Canada, have no intentions of meeting her but we chat pretty well together and it's a good way to pass time.

Some of my observations thus far are:

- white girls will NOT take a second look at an Asian guy. It's kinda sad, but it's true. I get rejected over and over again if I try to add an Australian girl. I have much better luck adding people who weren't born here.

- I am attracted to people who are not my type, or rather, I am not their type.

- women lie about their age. Sometimes it can be pretty blatant and obvious.

- women lie about what they want. A common example is that they want a "nice, caring, funny guy". Ummm...I'm nice, caring and funny. Oh, but what they don't (want to) mention is how important looks, or nationality, is to them.

I'm thinking bout deleting my account soon because it seems futile if this is the way it's going to be, and I also don't want people recognising me.

Car serviced!

I spent a good part of Monday cleaning half the bathroom. There's like, grime that's 10 years old I swear. I don't know why, but I kinda enjoy cleaning, it's like I get a sense of achievement afterwards.

Yesterday morning I took my car to the dearlership for servicing. The guy asked me if there were any problems and I just said the coolant was leaking. He gave me a wink at the end as I left, and I must say, it instilled a degree of confidence, but I knew from experience that people who were like that could not be trusted to their word. I also thought it was kinda sexy in a way, like how my ex-client did it. I think it's something I should learn.

I had a bit of a nap at home, and then went for a jog at the park. I did about half a lap before stopping. It wasn't so much the fitness or the knee that stopped me, rather it was my shoulders. Maybe it was the push ups I did previously, but it felt like they were weighing me down and getting more and more tired.

I went home, had a shower and then went to meet Rom Rom for lunch. I was late, so gave her a call when I got there and she was just across the street. She gave me a very tight hug as I lightly hugged her back. We took a stroll down the main street in Bondy to look for a cafe, and I didn't want to spend too much time looking so I just suggested a pizzeria I saw.

We shared a pasta and a salad, and did some catching up. I told myself not to, but found myself blabbing on about Lismore and my new job. I tried to ask her about her trip and appear interested, but she was kinda vague. I guess our most interesting talk was about the case after the verdict, and also about Kate and PL. She told me about how she met up with PL in London and saw how controlling Kate was, even from overseas. Kate apparently didn't want anyone from the trial knowing about their wedding, and didn't want Jennifer or Hayley to go, but in the end allowed Hayley as long as she dressed properly (fair enough). Jennifer pretended to be a waitress and went anyway, which I thought was a bit rude.

As we were talking, some guy came over and started talking to Rom Rom, and I assumed he was a friend of her partner. He sounded a bit hostile at first, and when he left she told me he was a bit schizophrenic, so that's why she didn't introduce him to me. Haha, I'm glad she didn't.

Man I swear there are so many hot girls at Bondy.

She gave me a calendar and some cookies, which made me feel bad because I didn't get her anything.

We finished at about 2:30, and then went for a bit of a walk, and bumped into her mum on the way, lol. I would've been so embarassed if it was my mom.

After a short browse through a Mr Smiggle shop, I said I had to go, so we parted ways and said we'd organise lunch with Hayley some time. I caught the bus to the Wick and withdrew some money for mum, then went home.

I got a message from the dealership saying my car was ready, so I went to pick it up. Goddamn it it cost $770. Not so much for the leaking coolant, but for everything else, like wheel alignment and shit. I'm pretty sure a lot of it was bullshit, and he made it sound good by initially quoting me $900, but I couldn't take the risk of anything on a long drive back to Lismore. I knew if the car broke down then I'd regret not doing it, so I forked the money out.

I got the same guy again, who gave me the same wink as I left, which made me think it was like an automated move for him, which kinda detracts from any significance it may have.

I was so glad to get into my car and know it was alright. Mmm I love my car!

I drove to Chinksford to deposit some money but the bank was already closed. I bumped into my mom and gave her a lift to the Wick since I wanted to open a video rental account.

I had the choice between Video Ezy and Blockbuster, and ended up choosing the latter, even though it had a smaller range and was more expensive in some cases. I guess the good looking girls in the store compared to the guys in the other was a swaying factor.

I rented 'Criminal Law', and watched it at home. I couldn't really get into it, and didn't understand it till close to the end. Hmmm.

Car breakdown

Thursday
The last day of work. It was a half day, but if you did it, it would count as a full day. I seriously don't know if anyone did any work. Like, there was lip service about doing this and that, but everyone just seemed to be going around talking to eachother.

It was Brendan's birthday on the 28th, so we had a breakfast to celebrate. I felt kinda left out as everyone seemed to talk about their own thing, and Ben wasn't there because he came late.

After the breakfast I just wasted my time between bumming around on the computer and talking to Anne and Ben. For probably the fifth time since I told him, he came over and talked to me about my decision. He asked me about the pros and cons. I thought about it, and living in Sydney used to be a pro, but I was actually getting quite used to living in Lismore. It's peaceful, and it's away from the hustle and bustle of every money hungry mongrel in the CBD. Also, I live by myself so I can pretty much do what I want.

The only pro I could provide was that it was a two year contract.

Paul, Ben and Anne were telling me stories about previous floods, which I suppose was a con. I pictured my car floating around the streets, and the regret I'd have for not taking up this job.

At noon, I decided it was time to piss off and begin my long drive down. I said goodbye to everyone, got into my car and drove off. My first stop was about two hours in, at a Macca's to get something to eat. I also called the lady from the CDDP and had a chat with her. I passed the security test, so all that was left was pretty much to resign and get a starting date.

I continued on my drive, stopping about three hours later for petrol. After that I kept driving, and kept telling myself to stop for some food. I skipped a pie place and Macca's, and soon realised that the next place to eat was probably in Sydney anyway, which meant I had to keep driving.

When I was approaching the toll in Sydney, the computer system in my car started beeping - it was the temperature, the engine was overheating. The thought of driving for a further 20 minutes to reach home did cross my mind, but the needle was on the red 'H' now and it was just too risky, so I put on the emergency lights and pulled over to an emergency stop lane to the left.

I got out of the car and opened the bonnet. The fan was working in overdrive trying to cool the engine. I thought I'd just leave it like this for about 10 minutes and let it cool down, when a voice from the PA system said something about whether I needed assistance. There was too much wind and traffic to make out exactly what he was saying, so I didn't know what to do.

I started reading my car manual, and about 10 minutes later a tow truck came. There were two guys, and one of them came out with a rope, presumably ready to tow my car away. I explained to him what had happened and he said I couldn't stay there because it was too dangerous, so they'd tow me onto a nearby street where I could cool down there.

So he sat in the driver's seat and I sat in the passenger seat as my poor baby was towed out of the tunnel and onto a street, which I recognised to be near the famous hot dog place.

After doing the paperwork and thanking them, they left and I decided to take a walkaround as I needed to go to the toilet. I thought about going into a pub but thought they might not like a non-customer using their facilities. Then I thought about doing it in a dark alley, but then realised that a lot of homes nearby were celebrating christmas outdoors. In the end I decided to hold it.

After a while I drove off again, but when I was on the outer skirts of the city on my way home it got too hot again so I parked in Surry Hills and decided to check out the city while my car cooled down.

I went to Macca's on the main street and got something to eat. It actually gets quite disgusting there at times like that because there's so many people and the turnover is just too great for any decent cleaning up to be done.

After that I walked back to my car where I drove home very slowly. I was relieved to be home, but annoyed that I couldn't park my car in the garage because my mom had put a washing machine in there.

I guess I was also lucky that the breakdown happened once I was in Sydney, because I would've been in a lot of trouble if it had happened earlier.

I parked my car on the street across my house and then retired in the comfort of my own home for the night.

Perhaps the overheating was a good thing, because as I got closer and closer to the city, I was more and more determined to visit the casino. But then when it happened, I knew I couldn't afford to lose and afford any possible repairs. And besides, further damaging my car just to go to the casino would've made me feel really guilty.

Friday
On Friday I went to the bball courts for some action! To my surprise, I didn't feel weird shooting, and I could still run and play decently. The only thing I couldn't do was jump like before. I just did some shots from all over the court, and I'd run down the length of the court at times. It felt soooo good. It was so peaceful. I just wished I had a healthy knee.

If this was one reason to come back to Sydney, it was a pretty damn good one.

I decided to try parking my car into the garage, and managed to do it, but it's a really tight squeeze to avoid the washing machine. I just know that I'm gonna hit it one day.

I later washed my car, and as usual, saw a few of the neighbours as they walked in and out of the building. Desi saw me and noted how she hadn't seen me for a long time, and I told her about Lismore and how I now prosecuted.

By the time I finished I saw I had three missed calls from Malay. I knew I was to meet up at Thai's place, but he never told me what time. Anyway, I called back and he said they were already there, so after a few more things I got changed and headed over.

When I got there his wife was watching a movie on the laptop, and Thai and Malay were playing some LAN game, while Brain was playing on the xbox.

I joined Brain on the xbox, and then later we all played this four player game called Castle Crashers or something. It was pretty fun, and it kept us entertained for the entire day. Scope arrived later and we took turns playing, then G arrived later and he swapped turns with Malay. I was a bit surprised that Brain and Thai didn't volunteer to swaps turns.

Anyway, we had a pause in the game for lunch in Thai's restaurant, and I found conversation to be lacking a bit, yet it was funny, cause while we were playing the game we were having lots of laughs and it was kinda like high school. I guess it's a bit like basketball with strangers, you can play with them for hours only to find out you know nothing about them when it comes time to talk off the court.

We managed to finish the game, and by then it was pretty late and I was kinda tired. We switched games and tried this dirt bike stunt game which was kinda fun because of how realistic it was when the guy stacked it. I am so out of touch with video games now I feel like an old man. I just don't have the time, or feel the urge, to play them as much anymore.

I think G left before we tried the stunt game, and when we got tired of that, I quickly said I was tired and wanted to go home, and everyone else followed suit. I walked home in the rain, somewhat glad I had not spent much money for Christmas.

Saturday
After I got home, Malay called and asked if I wanted to go shopping at DFO the next day at 8:30, and I said yes, having nothing else to do.

So at 8:30 I'm waiting downstairs to be picked up, only to see no sign of them by 8:40, so I decided to walk along the street to check out if the auto store was open. It wasn't, and I messaged Malay and then he called, asking me to go over to his place.

While I was waiting downstairs, Thai arrived, and we had a bit of a chat. It was a bit hard because we hadn't really seen eachother for a while, but it was ok I guess. Malay came downstairs after a while and then we drove off to pick up Brain and Scope.

Brain took the driver's seat because Malay didn't want to drive, and we headed off toe DFO. I asked whether they were open, and Brain said they should be because the stores in the city were open for the special annual sale.

When we got there we saw that the under cover car park was closed, and people were driving off. Thai asked a lady coming back to her car and she said the stores were closed, so that was that. We decided to head back to the city, where we checked out the stores at Broadway and then the cinema in the city.

G was to meet us later, but when we got there we saw a huge line for presumably Avatar, and it was pretty much sold out. We had KFC for lunch, and then decided to split, with Malay and Thai checking out the cinemas at Broadway and me, Brain and Scope going shopping. But then Brain didn't really want to walk all the way to Broadway so we met up with Malay and Thai again at the arcades and we drove back to Broadway.

Thai and I went to the cinemas first while the others looked for parking, so we bought the tickets, and just missed out on the 3D session. G arrived later, and then we went to the supermarket to get some food and drinks for the movie.

When we went past the ticket person, we saw a huge line in front of the doors, going all the way down the stairs. There was also a group of people huddled around the door, and one of the staff told them the line was down the stairs, so we lined up, but some stayed in that group. That group grew larger as some people couldn't be bothered lining up, which meant everyone who lined up got fucked over because they got into the cinema first. That really pissed me off.

It also meant that we couldn't find six seats in a row, so I sat with Brain and Malay, Thai and Scope sat in front of us, and G sat to our left next to some girl. I sent him a text telling him to ask for her number, and he looked back at me, lol.

The movie was pretty damn good!! The graphics were amazing, and I liked how emotionally it went up and down. I felt close to crying at times, and completely fell in love with the blue girl. I really feared a sad ending, and luckily it was a happy ending.

It made me think though, about taking sides. We can all be so empathetic and devoted to one side, but that's usually because we don't understand the point of view of the other side. It's very rare for people to take sides only after understanding both sides of the story, yet all the time both sides seem to have a pretty good story and reason for justification. Maybe this needs another post.

After the movie we had Japanese for dinner in the same shopping centre, where Thai and Malay got into a bit of an argument about what I had brought up. Basically Thai was saying that you needed to understand both sides of the story before judging, whilst Malay was saying that there were some things so extreme (like blowing yourself up in a supermarker) that could never be justified, no matter what point of view is taken.

Towards the end of the dinner I also brought up the topic about our age, and how a lot of women our age in the singles pool were single mothers. They agreed, and Brain seemed pretty strong against raising someone else's child. Me too.

We called it a night after that, and I went in G's car because I didn't want him to feel isolated, but I think Thai may have thought I was taking sides or something.

Today
I watched Cavs vs Lakers today, which was a bit of a blowout by the Cavs. Shaq is so slow now it's not funny. It's actually quite sad to see him still playing. Watching the game made me want to get back into basketball, and especially becoming physically fit like them, which motivated me to do some push ups.

I then went to Bondy to get some coolant for my car, only to find out when I returned home that everything I poured in leaked back out straight away!! All this red coolant was just dripping down onto the driveway, it was unbelievable. I jacked up my car and had an inspection down there but couldn't see any holes. Shit, this is more serious than I thought.

I drove to get some KFC for lunch, to have with bread at home. It was yum, mmm.

I then had a nap, and earlier had dinner with my mom and sister.

Training Days

Typing this up at work because I’m so bored.

On Monday morning I went for a one mile jog. Other than stopping at a traffic light and to tie my shoelace, I did it pretty convincingly without stopping.

Even though I had a lot of time because the sessions started at 10am, I had to rush a bit because I realised I didn’t have any gel at home. So I had to go out to the chemist to get some gel, lip balm and tablets for my runny nose (which seemed to start just after I arrived back in Sydney).

After returning home, I caught the bus to the city, and I must admit, it felt a little odd to be in the city again. I tried to go to the bank first but it wasn’t open yet, so went into Court to try to get some documents for my CDDP job application witnessed. The volunteers weren’t there, so my next idea was to go upstairs to hopefully see a lawyer I knew, but I couldn’t find any. I saw one guy who I recognised, and I’m sure he recognised me, probably thought it was odd that I was dressed so casually (shirt and jeans, with backpack).

I then remembered that the people at the registry could do it, so I got a ticket and lined up. After getting the two documents witnessed, I bumped into Maria at the lifts. I realised for the first time the amount of make up she had on.

I returned to the bank which was open by now, and was glad they had the coin counting machine. But some father and son kept getting their coins stuck so I just went to deposit my notes and cheque. I then went across the road to meet Kylie and Shadi at the internet café. They were with two females from their office.

We all walked up to the main city office together, and on the way I managed to drop off into the mail my form for a replacement testamur. I was a bit worried that you needed photo ID to get into the building, because my office doesn’t seem to have it, but luckily you just had to sign in.

We were escorted as a group with others from level 15 to level 19, where two adjoining rooms had been organised for two different sessions. We walked into the left one and sat somewhere in the middle. I could recognise a few people I had previously gone up against, like the lady who was there when I did my first D court sentence.

Shortly after the session started, I noticed a very attractive girl sitting near the front. She was absolutely stunning. Her long auburn hair tied in a simple ponytail, big eyes sparkling and well defined cheekbones gave her a natural beauty look. But not only was she attractive, she looked somewhat familiar. Then it struck me. She was from the Parra office, and I had seen her around the courts back when I was in the trial. But I recall her having lighter hair, maybe blonde.

I couldn’t help but glance and watch her from time to time. At one stage she looked around the room and our eyes met. But during the break, I noticed she had an engagement ring on. Oh well, I should’ve known, it seems like all the good ones are taken, which left me wondering who (if anyone) I’d end up with in the future, but that’s another story for another post.

I thought about whispering to Shady, who was to the left of me, about how attractive that girl was, but luckily I didn’t because I think their group dislikes her. In a bitchy tone, Kylie was talking to Bush (later) about how that girl sat next to the manager at the Christmas party, insinuating she liked to kiss ass to get ahead, and how she was a bimbo.

Lunch was served outside the rooms, where I grabbed a couple of sandwiches and then headed out to the CDDP to drop off the documents and also to the bank to deposit my coins.

I returned to the afternoon session by myself, because Bush, Kylie and Shady hadn’t signed up for it. I felt like I was in the first semester of uni, where I was the only one who didn’t know anyone and so sat by myself at the front. The talk was good, but I couldn’t wait to get out to catch up with the others. As I walked out, Graham, one of two who interviewed me for this job, winked at me and said my name and hello.

Oh my god, he remembers my name! Now it’s going to be that much more painful to resign.

I met Kylie and Shady in the park across the road, they were just sitting on the grass talking. Kylie started talking about how her job was coming to an end in February and how she had applied for the one advertising in Dubbo. She said she was only willing to go out there for a year, and then she ‘had’ to return to Sydney. I thought that was a bit demanding for someone who was going to be out of a job soon.

We met up with Bush nearby, who had been shopping with her co-worker. After some discussion about where to eat, I suggested a Chinese restaurant, and took them to one that I was taken to by Dunnycan and also went with Shuing and others.

Bush wanted duck, so we ordered a dish of roast duck. I ordered a dish of rice with chicken and corn sauce, and Kylie and Shady ordered some beef dish and satay chicken. We all shared it, and to our surprise Kylie sort of spat back out the duck, saying she didn’t like the smell of it, even though she had said she was excited to try duck. She asked if it offended me, and I said it didn’t. It didn’t offend me because it was Chinese food and I was Chinese, but it offended me because I had chosen the restaurant. She also didn’t like my corn sauce dish, and made a disgusted face.

Bush seemed to like everything, which made me think that that might be one of the reasons I had overlooked in seeking non-Asian girls. What if a girl I liked found Chinese food disgusting? Maybe it was, like history and customs had dictated, that I go for an Asian girl.

After that we went for ice cream because Kylie wanted to see where that place was that served towers of ice cream. Bush and I tried, and were close, to finish our ice creams. Shady and Kylie had about half of theirs and then started destroying it. Hmmm.

I walked them to the train station and then caught the bus home. I was too full to have dinner with my mom and sister, but was glad I could spend the night at home with my cats.

Yesterday I woke up intending to go for another jog, but my right knee seemed to hurt a bit so I decided to rest it. I wonder if this is because of my lack of cycling which strengthens the knee.

Whilst waiting at the bus stop for a bus out to the city, Bush called and asked where I was. She didn’t know where the place was so we agreed that I’d meet her at the train station. By the time I got out there, I only had to wait about 15 minutes for her at the gates. I didn’t think it’d be hard to spot her, since she was pregnant and all, but it took her frantically waving arm to catch my attention. Gosh, there were so many people, it was all hustle and bustle.

We walked to the venue and while we were lining up to go in, I told her about how Graham had recognised me, and she said that was good, to which I said “not when you’re about to leave”, and she looked around. Ok, lesson learnt, keep yo mouth shut!

Kylie and Shady were already inside, sitting in the back row. Bush wanted to sit closer to the front, and so did I, because I didn’t want to be seen as one of those bludgers who like to hide at the back. In the end, Bush was persuaded enough by Kylie’s pleadings and we headed to the back.

As we walked along the row I noticed a girl also sitting there who looked familiar. She was the girl who came to have a chat with me while I was doing a SLA list in Parra one day. I was hoping Bush would leave me that seat, and she did. The girl glanced up at me, but other than that there wasn’t much else. Hell, after lunch she even moved to the seat on the other side of her friend!

The talks were ok. I still wasn’t used to being there with other pros. I felt a bit like a phony. I just didn’t feel like one of them. I even thought it was a bit sad and waste of money for all of them to gather here each year for this.

Morning tea was a bit awkward. I spoke to Kylie and Shady at times, but when they were with others I’d just walk around picking sweets off the dishes.

During the session after, I sat there wondering whether I should’ve sat with the rest of the people in my office. They looked like such a nice, cohesive group sitting there in the middle.

Lunch was served again, and after filling myself up with sandwiches and a bit of pasta as I spoke to Ben and Cox, I went out for a walk with Kylie and Shady. Seriously, the amount of people in the city was becoming overwhelming for me.

We walked around DJ’s, noting how expensive everything was. It made me think about how much money people waste unnecessarily. Like, prawns there were going for $70 or something, when they’d be going at half the price at the fish markets.

After our walk we returned to the venue, and this time Bush seemed much more distracted. She kept trying to get my attention, but I felt that that guy sitting on the podium was looking at us so I tried to ignore her politely and look as if I was concentrating. Maybe she felt guilty that she went to lunch with her co-workers rather than us?

I think everyone was tired by the time the last speaker started and just wanted to get home, but by the same token, I think we were all blown away by how attractive and young she was. I never imagined someone could get so high and be so young. That was inspirational. She was an interesting and funny speaker too, I thought she was the best presenter of the day, but the only downside was that she spoke like a bogan.

After the sessions finished, I said bye to Bush and headed back home to change and grab my stuff. I then caught a taxi to the airport, and was about an hour early, so ate a pasta there (I had been lining up for Macca’s but then decided it was stupid of me to save money on my health but spend money on more expensive fuel for my car).

At the lounge, Mark came along and we had a bit of a brief conversation before just sitting there in silence. I don’t think he’s much of a talker, and that was fine with me. Mud and Ironka walked past, and when I went to the toilet I discovered that some others were near the front.

Most of us caught the same plane, and I sat next to Mark. I listened to my music and half-slept through the flight. I think I’m getting sick of flying. It can be so exhausting. And it’s only a 80 minute flight!

I caught the taxi home only to find Pandy painting the sun room. I was pretty tired, so after some unsuccessful attempts to get the internet working, I just went to bed and fell asleep comfortably.

Lunch with G and Brain

Yesterday I woke up, went to get some Macca's for breakfast, and then washed my car. I spent the rest of the morning on the net and constantly checking if I had everything I needed to get back to Sydney. I checked a few extra times that I didn't bring up the certificate I was missing. I was pretty sure I didn't bring it up.

Pandy left before I did, which I was hoping she would. The taxi pretty much arrived right at 10am. I had a chat with the driver on the way, even though I didn't feel like it, but felt obliged to because it was a small town and there was a real cozy feeling to it. When he found out my company was paying for it he asked if I wanted to go to the airport further away...hmmm.

The airport surprised me with the casualness everything had. All I had to do was tell them my surname and show them my drivers licence to get my ticket. There were no security checks and I didn't even have to show my ticket to get on the plane.

I sat at the back row of seats and noticed a somewhat attractive girl in the front, carrying a lot of luggage. I was hoping I'd sit next to her, but ended up sitting by myself. Oh well, also good.

I don't know why, but I find flight attendants hot. I'm sure if I had seen this one in the street I may have found her somewhat attractive, but the fact that she was a flight attendant made her extra hot. I especially liked that orange ribbon she used to tie her hair.

I listened to my music for the entire flight, which I found to be a little boring. Maybe the novelty is wearing off. I was a bit tired too so I slept for a bit.

Getting off the plane, i struggled a bit to find a bus to catch, which was funny because I was supposed to be local! At the bus stop, the attractive girl with a lot of luggage was there too, but she didn't catch my bus.

I went home and found that there was now scaffolding in place while the stairs were being re-built. I climbed the scaffolding and entered my unit, to be greeted by a very messy place. I'm sure if I had never left, the sight wouldn't surprise me, but because I've been keeping my place pretty clean, this was now somewhat unusual.

My mom made me some bacon and egg and I had it with some bread. It was beautiful, and it helped that I was also starving. I had a look for my certificate and couldn't find it, and I couldn't find my transcripts either.

I went out to the city and went to the casino. Great, immediately after your return, you sin again. I withdrew $400 in the city and then walked my way there. Against my experiences, I played at an empty table with a dealer who looked like a dickhead.

I lost the first spin, but by the second spin I was up $100. I knew I should've left, but I didn't. I continued playing. I was down for a while, and at one stage was down to $200, but a big win on zero resulted in me being up by $245. That was enough for me.

Throughout this whole time there had been a guy playing next to me, who seemed to just pick numbers randomly. He was with a male friend, and I figured they were gay, from the tone of their voice and the way they spoke to eachother. When I cashed in at the dealer change, he asked me if it was good luck to cash in when there is a dealer change. I said it was good as long as he was up. His friend nagged him to quit, and he jokingly asked if I wanted to take his friend away.

Ummm...no.

I also noticed this girl who had been betting $10 bets on two dozens. She was going from table to table. I covertly followed her for a bit, hoping for a chance to strike up a conversation, but she seemed more interested in gambling than anything else. I also noticed the gay couple playing on a different table. I hope these people don't become addicts.

I decided to go for a massage, but was told by the shop to wait till 7pm when there would be more girls to choose from. So I spent the next hour or so walking around the roulette tables. I saw some pretty addicted people playing. You can just tell. They have a look in their eyes. The only thing that matters to them is the next spin. Everything else is blocked out. I wondered what gambling had done to them.

I saw a middle aged man with an older man. He was betting numbers all over the place, so each time he won he only won a small amount. Also, it was no surprise he would win, because of the amount of numbers he covered. But I knew the odds would go against him in the long run. I saw him hold the older man's face with two hands and kiss him on the cheek, saying "everything's going to be alright" with a smile. He said it with so much confidence, so much belief, so much conviction. The next spin, he lost. I watched as the dealer swept all his chips off the table. I felt a mixture of sympathy and "I told you so" as I left that table.

I saw an Indian dude playing by himself. He must've put $200-$300 on one spin, piling chips on most numbers. He probably only had about five numbers uncovered. I'm sure you could guess what happened. Number 36 - one of the numbers he didn't cover. The dealer swept the massive amount of chips away and down the tube.

The massage wasn't anything special. They've renovated and added more rooms. The girl I had was a bit of a surprise. She looked ok in the line up, but obviously she knew how to dress because I didn't think she was fat at all. Kinda like Bobby, he knows how to dress very well, well enough to be 'normal', but when he's shirtless you can see all the flab. I wonder if Ele is like that.

After that I caught the bus home to have dinner. It was good to be in my own bed, with my cat, just like old times.

Today I woke up from a dream about CLE chick. I dream that we were near my high school, and she came up to me and asked me where Rainbow Street was. I don't think I actually answered the question, but it did start a conversation between us. I just remember looking into her eyes and thinking about how beautiful she was.

I had another search for the certificate, with no luck. I did however find my transcripts, so that was something I guess.

I headed off to Bondy because their post office opens on Sundays. I went to the internet computers and printed off the stuff I needed, then went to buy some express post envelopes. I asked the girl to witness my documents but she said she couldn't. She must've been new. Thanks.

My client called me, but I didn't pick up. I just can't risk it. It just doesn't look good. I hope he understands. He probably won't.

I caught the bus home, then went to Malay's place to meet with G. Malay sent a message earlier bailing the lunch, citing sickness. I was a bit annoyed because I knew he was just tired/sick from the clubbing the previous night.

G and I checked out the auto store because he needed some spray paint. He said it was for a sword for his costume. I asked him why he was making a costume, and he said he just wanted to wear one. Hmmm.

Other than that moment of weirdness, we had a pretty good chat about cars, his job and what he had been up to. We drove out to the city where Brain was meeting us. We had lunch in the food court of market city. I had a dish of corn soup sauce with rice and pork, it was yum, mmm. That's one dish you can't get in Lismore.

While G was away getting his food, I tried to catch up with Brain a bit, and asked what he had been up to, and he said something like "same old, my life is boring". It was at that moment that I realised what a boring and conversation-killing response that was. And the thing was, I knew I had responded like that many times to others. Lesson learnt.

After lunch we went to the arcades, where we spent our time between those coin dropping machines and Daytona. I think Brain's hooked on those coin dropping machines, because he waited so long waiting for a machine to become free, which was being played by a family. Also on that note, I thought that family had probably made the worst decision of its life to introduce their children to gambling. Well done.

I really hope Brain's not addicted. He also mentioned that he saw a celebrity at the casino. What I didn't ask was why he was at the casino.

After that we went to have a walk around at the markets downstairs. Somewhere along the line I got the image that I'd look good in those big mirror-like sunglasses, and so tried some on when we passed those stores. They actually don't look too bad on me, I just need some time by myself to try them on more thoroughly. I've also realised that sunglasses are meant to cover the eyebrows as well. Duh! That's why I look so shitty in mine.

Brain said he felt like ice cream so we went to Macca's nearby for some ice cream, where we sat and talked about the Jambaroo trip Brain organised in early January. It's the day before I drive back, so I have to think about it. We also talked about girls a bit, with G saying the best place to chat up a girl was at her work place, so if anything went wrong you could just walk off and not come back, lol

I noticed a very, very hot blonde with her friend to my right. I couldn't take my eyes off her. She was hot in the natural beauty, not much make up type of sense. She reminded me of Sarah O'Loughlin. I wish I caught her eye, but I don't think I was her type. Staring in the reflection of my receding hairline didn't do much for my confidence either.

We took a walk to the main street of the city, and stopped by the arcades there as well, before heading to G's car where he drove us home. It was a nice day, because I got to spend time with my friends, and also to have dinner at home.

Irrational fear?

Today I decided to tell Ben about my CDDP offer. In the morning he was telling me all this stuff about how I should go about getting transferred back to Sydney, and I really appreciated it and thought it was kinda selfish and sly of me to continue hiding it while he was making all this effort to help me.

So just before he went off to court, I typed it up on my screen, but he kept conversing with me and I think Jude got the gist of it, because later she dragged me over for a conversation which went down the path of movements within the office next year, and I guess she wanted to see if I'd volunteer anything. I didn't.

He shook my hand and obviously had it in mind the rest of the day, because he came over and talked to me a bit about it. He didn't really push me either way, but he did say that if I decided to go then I should give as much notice to Brendan as possible. Will do.

In other news, I sent an email to the lady from the CDDP on Wednesday asking her if she wanted me to send my stuff right away, and she hasn't replied. So today I was thinking, could this be a bad sign? Have they done a police check and found something and hesitated on the offer? My client's sister tried to call me that day, maybe the police tracked it and think I'm still in contact?

Would it be irrational to think like that? I get scared at the mere thought of having the offer revoked and having to spend the next six months here, even though today I told Ben I was getting used to it. I probably said it with the peace of mind knowing that I wouldn't have to live up to it.

So why hasn't she responded? Am I right? Or is she on leave? Or just busy?

Done in court for the year!

Yesterday was the first time that I have woken up late since moving here. My alarm rang and I got up to turn it off, then went to sleep again only to wake up realising it was 7:30!!! Maybe it's true that a person never changes after a certain age?

Anyway, I skipped breakfast, had a shower and rushed to get dressed. I wasn't late or anything, I had done all the prep work for my short matters a few days ago anyway, but I just didn't like the fact that I had no spare time up my sleeve.

I instructed Julia in a matter in court. Like every other barista I start off working with, I was quiet and didn't say much, which I think she found a little amusing as we sat at the bar. Some people like my style, some don't (like JBW). From what I can tell Julia seems to be that nice type of person who is very patient and polite, in a judge kinda way.

After that I had my short matters, most of them were short but then this one SLA lawyer had one where his client started crying in the box. At first I felt sympathy, then wondered if he was putting on an act, then decided he was genuine. Hmmm...the prosecutorial mind is already setting in.

I was pretty happy to have finished court, constantly looking at the calendar in my phone, mentally checking off the dates.

Just one more before I'm finished for the year!!

I spent the rest of the day very bored, preparing my short matters even though I had done so before.

I left early, having clocked just my minimum amount of seven hours of work, to find Pandy and her friend at home working on a room. I assumed she was Felicity, and I was right. Because Pandy was kinda man-ly, I always thought Felicity would be more feminine. But, looks like Pandy wears the skirt in this relationship, because Felicity was pretty damn butch.

I went out to return a video, went for a jog around the block, and then bought some Thai food for dinner.

This morning I managed to resume my normal waking hours. I saw that jogging chick. She normally wears a white shirt with black shorts, but today she was wearing purple. We crossed paths where there were some trees sticking out onto the footpath, and I sided against that in an attempt to let her pass. I think I looked up too late, because when I did, she was looking down and seemed to have a small smile on her face. My male instincts directed my eyes to her chest and I couldn't help feel a little bit more attraction. Too bad I'll be returning to Sydney soon. I wonder, if I could stay longer, whether things could progress. Or would she turn out to be some gold digging selfish bitch like nurse lady?

When I got to the office Brendan was talking to Ben outside our offices. I find that Ben is quite likeable because of his sense of humour, but I wonder if he deliberately uses it to suck up in an attempt to get ahead.

At court, I had four matters. One was as agent for the CDDP, and I really didn't want to fuck up because I knew I'd be meeting this girl when I start. The judge didn't give me what she wanted, so in one sense I did fuck up, but some people write it off as "nothing you could've done, he made up his mind".

Two matters fell through, and one went ahead. I went up against Cox's fiancee. I realised he didn't know much about the law. But then again, I reckon I was exactly like him when I was working for Nom.

At the end of it, the judge wished us both a happy and safe holiday.

Wow, can you believe it? I didn't fuck up. I didn't piss the judge off. I actually finished off the year on a good note!!!

I went back to the office, relieved that I was done in court for the year, proud that I hadn't fucked up, eager because I was looking forward to returning to Sydney, but unmotivated because I knew I'd have nothing to do in the office for the rest of the day and tomorrow.

Ben came over while I was eating lunch and had a bit of a chat about pornography on the net these days and how it was affecting men's ability to perceive and talk to women without seeing them as sex objects. I agreed with his views, but part of me wondered if he was just having a chat, or if he was going somewhere with it? Was he trying to tell me to get off the internet and actually talk to women, sensing that I was somewhat socially inept with women?

Vanessa brought her daughter to work, and had her sell these little arts and craft things which they couldn't sell at the markets. I thought that was a cheap move, but nevertheless bought one for $10 just to be a nice guy.

I left work at 4pm today, and relieved to come home finding it Pandy-less. I went out for a jog around the block again, then went to get some wicked wings and chips from KFC, then had it with canned soup at home. Mmm...yum.

My right knee is feeling a little bit sore, maybe even unstable, due to the jogging I think. I first got this feeling the day after tennis. I was talk to Anne today who said she also tore her ligaments and has had surgery. What worried me was when she said it hasn't been the same since. I have heard people saying it was better than before, but I guess there's always a risk. Question is, should I take that risk, given the current state of my knee?

Mission: Get new job

I got my security form away yesterday. It felt a bit like Mission Impossible. In the morning, despite there being people around, I went to the photocopier to photocopy my licence. I had no excuse in mind if anyone caught me.

Then after attending court, I went to the registry to have it certified. That was easy, and the lady was very nice. Oh, and by the way, that thing with Angela B nearly happened again, but this time I just did it. I just can't understand her. She tells the other side that I'm doing it, then she tells me that she's doing it. I'm fine with doing it, BUT TELL ME!

Anyway, after that I went to the post office to buy an express post envelope. I was going to post it then and there, but then realised I hadn't typed up a letter, so I went back to the office to do it. I sat at my desk preparing it, and then sat there with my back to everyone making sure everything that was meant to go in the envelope actually went into the envelope. If someone walked in right at that very moment, I would've been busted. Luckily, no one did.

At lunch I went to post it - mission accomplished.

I came home to find Pandy working around the garden again. This time I was quite cheery and talkative, knowing that she was a lesbian and hence had no interest in me. I think sometimes I'm just too sensitive. But at one stage while she was talking to me, she put her hand up to lean against a tree, once again exposing the unruly sight of her underarm hair.

Please...do not do that.

I went for a jog around the block, then went to get some bread and orange juice. When I returned, there was a potential tenant there talking to Pandy. She had told me about it earlier, but I did not expect this dude. At first I thought it was a girl who looked like a tomboy, silently questioning my recollection that Pandy had said it was a "chap". He had a long blonde fringe, incredibly thin, one long piercing through his eyebrow, but b y all accounts, his voice and demeanour were very mature.

I had initially decided to make something to eat at home, but when I saw Pandy I changed my mind. But just when I was about to go out, I changed my mind again and baked some little pastry things I had bought a few days ago. They were yum.

I watched a bit of Jet Li's Fist of Legend, I didn't know it was a 1994 film. Why on earth was it a new release??? I was pretty amazed at seeing him do a chin up with one hand. I wanna try :)

Today I had the short matters in court. I made one mistake. After the judge went off the bench, he asked a question through his associate as to whether the app needed to sign a new thing. Logically I thought he didn't, but when I returned to the office and asked Ben, we worked out that he did. Far out. I feel so bad. Feel so bad to be wrong...to a judge!

The rest of my day in the office was pretty boring. People kept giving me files, and Col tried to help me start up an account for my flex stuff.

I'm LEAVING next year people! Forget about it!!

After work I went home and gathered together all the documents I had for the CDDP thing, then went to Office Works to make copies. My original plan was to do it in the office, either very early in the morning, or after everyone had left, but then I didn't want to risk it.

I don't have everything, but I have most. The rest of the documents must be at home. I'll get it certified first I guess.

I had the baked pastries again tonight, yum. Saves money too :)

Slumdog Millionaire

Yesterday I went for a jog around the block again, seriously, going up that hill made me want to stop, but the rest of the way is almost all downhill and much easier.

I then washed my car in the backyard. Mmm...it is so relaxing washing my car. I take a lot of pride in keeping it clean and shiny. And it really gives me the shits when birds decide to poop on it.

I also rented Slumdog Millionaire to watch over some Thai takeaway last night. Man it was an awesome movie!! I can't believe I was deprived of watching that in the cinema just because Bobby doesn't like Indians. How cute was that little Jamal??!!? The movie had so many aspects to it, it had romance, cruelty, underworld figures, tragedy, all beautifully tied into one along the theme of Who Wants to be a Millionaire. Brilliant. Wonderful. I absolutely loved it. At times it made me want to cry, but just as it did, the pace and theme changed and directed my mind else where.

Watching Jamal continuously look for Latika made me think about NTM. It's so long ago now, and yet she still occasionally pops into my mind. She's probably married with children now. I just can't help but feel that what we went through in uni was something neither of us would ever go through again, that intensity, the tension, all without a single word being spoken. The movie made me think: should I have tried harder to look for her? Or is it just more Hollywood falsity that things like that should happen?

Today I had a late start to the day, but went out for a jog again, got some cleaning done, and then went to the cinemas nearby to watch Paranormal Activity. It was good, maybe a little too good. Maybe it was a bad idea, because now I'll be freaking out everytime there's a sound in the house.

I also rented Tyson and Fist of Legend, and will watch Tyson over lasagna dinner later!

Office christmas party

On Friday for some reason I decided to take my CDDP package into work, and lo and behold I bump into Brendan as I got into the lift. He noticed the envelope and looked at it a few times until I directed his attention away by a conversation. He must either know something is up, or thinks I'm up to no good, like photocopying for personal purposes.

Also on Friday I was finally given some short matters for next week. It was at Brendan's suggestion, but the thing is, I had offered my help to Ben on more than a few occasions, but now that Brendan has had to say it, it makes me look like I was trying to bludge my way through next week. Anyway, now my boredom has been replaced by pressure.

At the end of the day, most seemed to have left work early for the office christmas party. My plan was to follow Ben in my car because I didn't know where the place was, but he had to leave early to clean the pool at his place. He left me with instructions on how to get there, and because there's just a couple of main roads out of town, it wasn't that hard to follow.

So because I had a bit of time, I went home to change even though I had my clothes in the car. I took my sweet sweet time, and then drove off to find them. I found Paul, Horo and Ben at the tennis courts, and when I arrived we had a couple of games of doubles before Paul had to go home.

Horo, Ben and I swapped around singles for a bit before Cox and her boyfriend came. Then we rotated playing doubles. I could tell Ben was very athletic, and very familiar with the game, and so was Cox's boyfriend, but I think he felt too much pressure to perform and he choked a lot.

It was good playing tennis with them, and I realised it was the only sports I've played since coming up here. Horo was a lot better than I had expected, he has really good reflexes. When they suggested tennis I kinda thought they were all chumps, and that my occasion game back then with G and Bob was enough for me to beat them. I was wrong.

After tennis we all drove up to Ben's place for a swim. I thought it was a bit odd, but whatever. I didn't swim because I didn't bring my "togs". I swear, Ben has the nicest house!!! It's on top of a hill and has a view of the entire countryside, it's really something out of a magazine shoot, and something that'd be worth millions in Sydney.

His two dogs were very nice, they weren't overly friendly like some, and weren't aggressive at all. I got to meet his wife Victoria. Having been told that she owns a modelling agency, I kept thinking she was a model herself. Maybe she used to be, but she was mature, but then again, she's probably just Ben's age.

She was really nice, and we made pretty good conversation as everyone had a dip in the pool. Apparently they went to a wedding where they met Phillip from my old trial...small world.

After that we drove back down to the pub. I said I'd follow Cox' car, and probably made a fool of myself as I reversed the wrong way, causing me to do a burn out on the gravel, leaving a burning rubbery smell.

After spending some time parking, I found them at a table outside but under cover. Most of them had already arrived and seated. I found a seat in between Clare and Sarah. I tried to make convo with Clare but she didn't seem interested. Sarah was someone I could talk to, but her husband was there and she was talking to him.

I sat around for a moment before going to get a coke. I was so thirsty from tennis I nearly finished it immediately. Luckily Clare and Sarah had moved else where, and Cox's boyfriend came to talk to me. I thought he was a bit of an ass at tennis, a bit stuck up, and I even got that impression as I spoke to him. He looked like a wife beater. But I appreciated him talking to me. After a while he went somewhere else, and I took a walk around.

When I lined up to order, Brendan was behind me and I made small talk with him. He told me he was ordering fish and chips. I don't know, everytime I look at him I wonder about his weight, and wonder if he has ever tried to lose it. He sure wasn't helping himself by having fish and chips and aways drinking Pepsi. I wish I knew him better so I could throw in a word or two to try to help him. I'm actually quite worried for his health.

I spent a bit of the night talking to Victoria, who seems pretty easy going. Luckily Ben sat next to me when the food arrived, so I had good company, and he sat there for the rest of the night. We had a group convo going between us and Jo, and at one stage Karen tried to make convo with me but I was too nervous to keep it going. I find her ultra sexy in a taboo way.

I found out that Jo was married to one of the baristas there. I found it funny that they didn't sit next to eachother, but maybe they were just that type of couple. I talked to her across the table for a bit, and she seems to be the type to laugh at everything. I wonder if her husband thought something was going on.

Conversation got a bit awkward for me when Ben started saying how this was a good place to stay, but the only thing I needed was a girl, and then Karen also asked me if I planned to stay.

Ummm...I've got another job offer but yeah, like, whatever...(???)

So yeah, there was a bit of talk about me meeting girls. Ben was pretty much of the view that there was no one to meet in this place. Jo said Janet from the office liked to set people up. Brendan's wife asked me to try the internet, and said that was how she met Brendan. Chris to my left probably had the most sensible suggestion, which was what he did - enrol in a course to 'learn' something and meet someone there.

Towards the end of the night, Ben pointed out Chris' wife to me, and remarked about how young she was (24). I silently noted it, but decided it wasn't really any of my business. Maybe Ben was drunk, or maybe he was just being himself, but he decided to share his view with no one other than Chris himself.

He said to him that he had done well for himself, and Chris responded with something along the lines of "what do you mean? I'm going to go away, and give you some time to think about what you mean".

Uh-oh.

We weren't sure if he was joking or not, but there was definitely some tension in the air. See, this is why I keep my mouth shut and rather have people say I'm shy or even socially inept - so I don't piss off people who I shouldn't piss off.

Luckily all was good when Chris returned, they kinda talked it out, they probably realised they were both drunk and didn't need to take it any further.

To my surprise a lot of people had decided to take off rather early. Maybe it was the country, but Sydney people don't leave events till like at least 11pm. I was pretty tired by 10pm, and took the opportunity of Ben leaving as a vehicle for me to depart as well. We said our goodbyes and I gave him and his wife a lift back to their place.

I went home with a great sense of enjoyment for two reasons: it was my first social night out since arriving here, and it was my first steak since arriving here. God it was a nice steak, I loved that pepper gravy. Mmm.

Throughout the week, I have also thought about my singledom woes. My office had a trial where a guy had been convicted of pedophilia, and managed to find a wife upon his release. And with all the Tiger Woods stuff happening, I'm thinking: goddamn, even a pedophile and a guy who cheats on his wife with 11 women can still be loved, but why not me?

Feeling useless

I felt sooooo bad at work yesterday. The day before Angie B had come to talk to me about a matter that was in court the next day. I got the impression that she was going to do it and I'd instruct, so I confirmed that with her and she said "ok, but I'll be there at 10". I said I'd stand the matter down.

So yesterday just before the mention, I figured maybe it'd be better if I just do it myself, to save some time. I called Angie to get the nod but she didn't pick up. So to be on the safe side, I stood the matter down to 2pm, and then the barista from the other side told me Angie B had told him I'd do it, and then voiced his displeasure to Jo from my office.

Although Angie B seemed ok with what I had done when I saw her, I think she was just being polite. The thing that made me think otherwise? The fact that she went to the office and not the court at 10.

Closer to 2pm, I met up with her to go to court, and we bumped into Cox. Cox asked where she was going, and Angie B said "just a mention", which I interpreted as "just something so trivial that my sol was meant to do but couldn't, so now I have to trek up there in the 40 degree heat to do myself".

Oh god...

Even worse, there were some complications during the mention, like when we told the judge we weren't ready to proceed next week because the victim had made plans after learning that it wasn't likely to go ahead anyway. The judge said she shouldn't have told her that...but it was him who said it!!!

Ah fuck, who am I to say the judge is wrong...

I felt so useless that day. And even worse, I know that if I leave in the near future, this will be the impression they'll have of me, whereas if I stick around then I could at least fix my image.

Today at work was sooooo boring. Because I won't be in court next week, I don't have those short matters to prepare which keeps the pressure on, so I pass my time by reading up on matters that are due in like March next year. I don't think I can stand much more of this...luckily it'll be the christmas break soon.

Oh and today we had an office meeting, and part of it was a formal welcome for me. Don and a few others clapped. I sat there and just smiled, feeling guilty knowing that I'd soon tell them I was pissing off. And to make things worse, Col said that they'd send me down to Sydney in January for a training day...why the hell waste your money on training me if I'm going to leave soon???

So today is the 10th, a Thursday. Ele leaves tomorrow. Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm half expecting a call or a message from her saying goodbye. But I doubt she will. The question then begs: will she call me to pick her up from the airport upon her return? And if so, will I have the stubborness and consistency to ignore it? Funnily enough, that is the same day Shuing returns from America, so I will be at the airport to pick him up anyway. Maybe if she is there, I will say to her face that there is no room in my car.

In the back of my mind, I have also been asking myself whether it is just me who has misinterpreted this whole thing. Maybe she has treated me just as a friend all along?

But then how do you explain the shouting me dinner? Calling me back immediately after I sent that farewell message? Giving me that small cuddly toy? Proposing to get me a stripper? Telling me she thought I was sweet?

My test is, could you envisage Michelle doing all that?

People-pleaser

At work today, I wasn't in court so had a full office day, got to talk to Ben a bit because he finished court pretty early. We seem to get along really well, I wonder if I am as good a male companion for him as he is for me. During one conversation, he asked me whether I could see myself being with a white girl or an Asian girl. I am pretty sure he has asked this at least once before. Even today, after the initial question we dragged the conversation into another topic and then he asked the question again. I wonder what he is up to. He has told me his wife runs a modelling agency...is he trying to set me up with one of her models???

I saw an email setting up a meeting for Thursday, and one of the agendas was a welcome thing for me. God I feel so bad, I'm going to have to sit through that and the Christmas dinner knowing that I'll have to resign soon.

I also told Cole today that I lost my trolley, and was ready to bear the brunt of it, until he told me that he took it on Friday from court. Phew! Later, when he saw Ben and I talking, he walked past and made a comment about a trolley, haha, and Ben and I just looked at eachother like "what a cunny funt".

I got home today and saw that I had received the package from the CDDP. The wheels were already in motion.

I spoke to Bush (finally!) today after work. I told her about it, and her ultimate advice was to take it, mainly cause it's a two year contract, and it's back in Sydney. She seemed pretty busy, cause I could hear her typing in the office, so I didn't keep her for long.

But it made me think: why was I so worried about breaking the news to these people? Like Bush said, it wasn't like they were family, and at the end of the day I had to look after myself. Put it this way: come the end of your contract, they may have absolutely no qualms saying goodbye to you, so why should you worry about the same? The other thing is I've realised you're a people-pleaser. You like to please everyone, and you hate doing things that upset people. So in effect, you live, not for yourself, but for others. And where has that gotten you? Well, in terms of career, if I end up moving to the CDDP, quite far. But in terms of girls, you are still at the stage you were at on your very first day of life. So maybe it's time to face the fact that you just have to put yourself first at times.

Fucking hell it's hot in here. I bought some KFC for dinner, and ate with Kim in the backyard, she had her pizza. Had a bit of a chat, whilst she was on her laptop looking up stuff to pay off her fines. She told me that she thinks Pandy is a lesbian with the person to whom I send the rent to. What a relief! And here I was thinking that she may have been fancying me.

She once hinted that she wanted children, and her ring tone is of a child giggling. My worst nightmare was she'd want me to give her a baby. I know, far-fetched. But I guess this is how sensitive I am to things. Maybe now I can stop distancing myself from her.

For the past two days I have been listening to 仍然在痛. I swear that is THE saddest song of all time. Everytime I listen to it and watch the video it makes me want to cry. I think I have an affinity for sadness as romance. I listened to it with earphones today and you could hear the flute playing along with it, which was just beautiful. I love that bit where the camera's rolling through the tunnel as Sunny walks through it to meet Calvin, and Calvin's backing away. The way Calvin is looking at Sunny is just so goddamn memorable...it's like in one look he encapsulates the whole "so you're the one idiot who ruined my entire life" attitude.

God I love that song. I keep seeing myself as Sunny, the loner who lives his entire life longing for the girl he can never get.

A hint? No...must...not...see it...like that...

It was a bit weird today, even though I knew I'd be in court, I wasn't expecting to have to do anything because Angie was instructed, but not only did she come late, but she turned up without her robes and then asked me to do the mentions. Weird.

I spent the rest of the day in the office, which was quite boring. In hindsight, it's pretty amazing how quickly it can go from one hundred miles per hour to no action at all.

I sent an email to Bush, Kylie and Shady asking them out to dinner on the night I return to Sydney for training, and they all said yes, but strangely enough Bush has still not returned my calls. I called her a couple of times last week, once today, and she just refuses to answer or call back. I don't know what's up with her.

Kim is back at the house now, although she'll be leaving on Wednesday again. It's kinda funny, cause I think I got used to living by myself, so I was actually a little disappointed to find out that I'd have to share again.

Upon returning home, I checked my email and saw that I had one from Ele. It was just one of those group forwarding emails, and I know I'm probably reading too much into it, but does it seem like that she sends one as a way of 'popping up' and reminding me of her? Maybe she thought you would call last night, and when you didn't, it put her off a little, so she thought she'd send an email to 'pop up' around you.

No...must...resist...the...temptation...to...think...like...that. It's over.

End of a tough week

On Friday after everything had been said and done, I found myself sitting in my office, crouched in my chair and staring blankly at nothing in particular. Let walked across and saw me, she thought about walking pass without saying anything but then changed her mind and asked what was wrong. I just said I was tired, which I was.

I just wanted a quiet moment to soak it in - I had gotten through one hell of a week. It couldn't really be like this, could it? I had asked Ben earlier if this was the norm, and even though he said it was, he hadn't gone through it because every trial had always fallen through. It just so happened that my one went ahead, and it went into the week that I had short matters.

I was exhausted, but proud at the same time, because to me that was an achievement. I was also glad that at the end of court, the judge thanked both me and Amy for "an up and down week", and said his "I'm grateful for your assistance" line. When I was watching during my training, he said that a lot to Ben, and I secretly wished to myself that I could gain that level of rapport with him for him to say that to me, and he finally did.

I told myself to press on for a bit longer and finish off the file notes, but managed to screw up my computer, so I gave up and left work at 4:30. Curiousity got the better of me, and I decided to try one of those ads in the personals section. These two girls advertised themselves as 20 year old Asian students, and whilst I was pretty sure that was a lie and they'd be a bit older than 20, I had no idea what was coming.

I responded to the one which had the younger voice, but they were both working together as they were at the same motel. I found the room and knocked, only to be greeted by a woman who was at least 40.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?

I didn't have the heart to reject her, so just told myself to bear it and paid for half an hour. I had brought enough money for an hour, but of course I was truly going to vomit if I stayed there for an hour.

Waste of money. Never responding to those ads again. I just don't see how someone as old as 40 could have the audacity to advertise themselves as 20???

I rented How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, and watched that over a box of pizza. If it hadn't been for my earlier error of judgment, it would've been a good night. To be honest, I didn't really have much of an urge, but I kinda told myself "well, Ele doesn't like you, so fuck it". For a while, she was my motivation to become a better person. I even put in extra repayments on my credit card so I could have a better future, faster, but now that it was over, I didn't see the point.

On Saturday I went for a jog around the block, washed my car, made some breakfast, and then headed out. My plan was to take a walk along that beautiful beach I saw last time at Surfer's Paradise, and then visit Dream World.

I found the beach, but because I didn't bring my slippers, I burnt my feet on the burning ashphalt. I walked for quite a while on the beach, it was calm and peaceful, having the gentle waves rush up to your feet occasionally.

After that I returned to my car and spent some time getting the sand off my feet. I was so thirsty. Unlike Bondy, they didn't seem to have any shops at the beachside where you could buy drinks.

I went to KFC and decided it was a good time to try one of those Krushers drinks. I got the mango berry one, and it was pretty nice.

I drove off to look for Dream World, but couldn't find it. I found Movie World, but it wasn't exactly the type of place you'd go to by yourself, so I ended up going to Sea World.

The ticket was $70, which I thought was a bit dear. I think I walked around most areas, and it was quite breath taking to see dolphins, sharks and penguins. I watched a show featuring seals, and was torn between the views of entertainment and animal cruelty. After all, we were no different from those other countries that abused animals for shows - we made them perform because of the bottom dollar.

Dolphins are so smart, and in fact, I think all animals are smart. When you think of the amount of intelligence they have, it makes the thought of consuming them harder to bear.

At the end, I decided to buy a dog tag with my details on it, and I thought I needed change, so decided to buy a bottle of water to break the note. I lined up at the donut shop and I swear I saw the most beautiful girl ever. She looked like a younger version of nurse lady - those exotic blue/green eyes, the lips, the colour of her face. She would've been around 17-19, and I felt guilty thinking about her.

After that, on my way back I stopped at a shopping centre to have a look around. It was good to be in a diverse area where people didn't look at me just because I stood out because I was Asian. I found a Myer there and saw this really nice black tie which I ended up buying. It was a twin pack, the other tie was ok but I really bought it for the black one. I knew I shouldn't, but I also knew that if I walked away I would've regretted it.

I also did some grocery shopping before driving back home. I watched the rest of the movie over the Chinese food. The young girl wasn't there. I was kinda expecting to see her. The last time I saw her we had a pretty good chat. She actually seemed to want to come to the counter and talk to me. I figured she was at least over 18, because of what she was currently studying.

Today I just hung around home base. I went into the office to do a bit of work, and the case I read up on really sickened me. It never ceases to amaze me how such bad men can get women whilst I have been single my entire life. It really does.

After that I went to the video store to rent Night at the Museum, then came back home to wax the door of my car. I also managed to clean the house a bit, namely the kitchen counter and the shower. Oh, and I also signed up for one of those internet dating sites just for fun. Probably for two main reasons: I've limited myself to this area, just to see if I can find anyone to meet whilst here, and also, to see whether my physical appearance is a plus or minus, which I guess in a way is my way of wanting to know why the whole Ele thing failed.

I ended up chatting to this girl for a couple of hours, even though she didn't have a picture of herself, I figured that my picture wasn't enough of a deterrent for her, so it must've been ok.

Oh, and also, on Friday I got a call from the CDDP. They are going to send me the paper work, and so if everything goes ok, I guess the next step is negotiation about start date. Ever since I have found out about this rescue package, I have felt the need to treasure my time here more, maybe because it's limited, maybe it's because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I called A on Friday afternoon and had a long talk to him about it. His advice was, of course, to take it. He asked "what are you doing there anyway?" and I wondered. I guess in the end, I wasn't really asking him if I should take it or not, because it's a complete no brainer to take a two year contract over a six month one, but rather, I was asking him how to break it to my manager without too much damage. He conceded that they'd hate me for it.

Of course, it's Sunday night right now, the usual time when I'd call Ele. She hasn't responded since last week, and after a few days of that I had come to stop expecting it. I don't expect a call from her tonight, nor do I expect a call prior to when she leaves. It's so much easier when you don't hold expectations, because when you do and they don't come to fruition, it hurts a lot more. I am waiting for the day when she will contact me just so I can ignore her and have the power shift back to me. An inescapable consideration of me returning to Sydney for the CDDP job is that I will end up telling everyone except her, and she will hear from the grapevine and wonder why I didn't tell her.

I can't believe I got through today...

I can't believe I got through today. Far out.

I got to the office really early, like just after 7am. I turned the alarm off and went straight to work. I did some photocopying, and then polished off my written submissions that I started yesterday. I was nervous as fuck.

Not only did I have to sit through the trial, but immediately after it finished I had to do the sentence, and I'd never done one from the prosecution side before. I was so afraid the judge would ask me a question to which I didn't know the answer to. Luckily, he didn't. I arraigned the offender, not even fucking sure if I did it right, handed up my subs and then sat down.

Then after that I finished the day off with a sev appeal, then went back to the office to type up the notes. I was bloody exhausted.

At lunch today, whilst I was in the office scrambling to find the proper words to use for the sentence, I got a phone call from the CDDP. They offered me a job.

...

Needless to say, I accepted it immediately. But query my sincerity.

I mean...it's not that easy of a decision after all. On the one hand, I feel like I'm settling in, I like my job and everyone in it, I'm getting mad experience, and I'm enjoying independence and freedom, exploring on the weekends. But on the other hand, this is a six month contract, the other is a two year contract. No brainer?