Last post of 2010

Yesterday morning I went to the courts for a shoot around and did a bit of jump rope. After that I went home and then walked to the gym. I was in the mood for a super work out, but nearing the gym, I felt that familiar pain in the left side of my neck. It wasn't much, but it was enough of a warning to make me think that if I hit the benchpress then I'd be bothered by that shoulder blade pain I have had in the past. So I skipped the benchpress and just did some curls after my knee exercises.

On the walk back amongst the shops, I saw that girl from the discount store, presumably walking to work. She was on the phone, but saw me and we made eye contact. She is kinda cute, but I think she is a bit too young/immature for me, and maybe even a bit dumb.

I didn't do much for the rest of the day, just stayed at home. I wanted to watch a movie but my dad had the car. I thought about going to the courts for a game but my legs felt kinda tired.

Today
I drove to the gym at the Bra in the morning. My dad said he wanted the car at 8:30am, so I did my knee exercises and left, only to come home and watch as he took another hour getting ready. I could've done so much more at the gym...aish.

I had a small breakfast and then went to the courts. I really really wanted to work on my jump rope, and trying to get out of the double bounce habit. I only had an hour before the Knicks vs Magic game was on, so I figured I'd try to do my version of HIIT training.

I got to the courts and warmed up by doing my usual suicides. I shot around a bit before starting the rope. For some reason I couldn't get into any rhythm at all, it was worse than yesterday. The rope kept getting caught at my feet, and each time it did, it just frustrated me more. After each 'set' I would run the length of the court and back for lay ups, shoot ten free throws and then repeat.

Overall, it was the most disgusting jump rope I have ever done. I couldn't get any rhythm - if I went slow the rope got caught, if I went fast the rope got caught. I was like "what the hell is wrong with me???" If those guys on the other court were watching, it was pretty embarassing.

Three guys arrived and I could see a game coming into existence with the other two shooting around. I thought about staying and playing, but then decided my knee probably wasn't ready (the three guys looked pretty decent) so I went home to watch the game.

Now I'm just waiting for G to pick me up.

Day out with the boys

Yesterday morning I went to the courts for a bit of a workout. I did some jump roping and shooting. I tried again to touch the backboard but failed =( I seem to get so close, but no matter how many times I try, I can't get it. I wonder if I've lost my hops permanently or if it's just temporary.

After that I went home and had breakfast, planned to go to the gym but my schedule was a bit tight seeing I'd have to meet G soon, so I spent the time vacumming the house and ironing my new shirt and getting some of my clothes in order. I think I definitely need to chuck some things out, as I want to be able to find my clothes readily, and not have to search from the huge pile on a chair.

G picked me up at about 1pm, seemed like I hadn't seen him for a while. I wanted to ask how him and Amanda were going, but couldn't figure out a way of doing it without being too direct or prying, so we just talked about random stuff. I texted Brain to let him know we were going to the city to see if he wanted to meet up, since he said earlier he'd be in the city earlier. He said yes.

When G and I got to the city, I called Brain to ask where he was, and he said he was in Alexandria and would meet us at 2pm. Grrrr. So G and I took a walk around Paddy's, which I think he actually enjoyed. He came close to buying some Transformer cufflinks until we realised it was a ring, lol.

At the end I wanted to take a walk through the Market City shops, but he seemed somewhat reluctant. We took the lift upstairs and checked out the new arcades, which now has bumper cars. Brain arrived and we went to the foodcourt for lunch.

As we ate, I noticed that G had spilled soup everywhere on his tray, and I again wondered how someone with table manners like him could get a girlfriend, while I was on my own.

To my surprise, Brain just outright asked G how Amanda was, and G said everything was going fine. I wanted to ask why she wasn't coming to new year's at Ele's if everything was fine, but he said he was going to the Hunter Valley with her the next day so I assumed they were still together.

After lunch we went to check out some shops. Brain had some specific shops in mind, even though we had checked out other franchises of those same shops the other day at Bondy.

We walked to World Square because I wanted to check out a particular store, and we called Shuing who said he'd come out to meet us, so we ended up going to the arcades to wait for him. I bought $10 credit and played some games, and again got somewhat annoyed that Brain wasn't playing anything even though he seemed like he wanted to go the most.

Shuing arrived and we played some four player games upstairs which was pretty fun. Then I decided to have a go at Street Fighter, because I hadn't played for such a long time, and had my ass kicked, lol.

After that we stood outside for a while trying to decide what to do. I noticed a girl nearby talking to two guys, and thought she looked like Lily, with much shorter hair, almost a mushroom cut. I remembered she said she preferred shorter hair, and wondered if it was her. It did look a bit like her, but: 1) she kinda has that common, mediocre look, which makes a lot of people look similar to her; and 2) always seeing her in one context (the brothel) made it hard to see her in any other context. This girl didn't seem to notice me at all, whereas I figured if it was Lily she would've either acknowledged me or became more awkward upon realising I was there. I kept thinking about it but then decided it wasn't her, since she dyes her hair and this girl's hair was completely black.

We decided to call out Malay since he could only come out later, but G had to go home so G drove us to Shuing's place for the car. On the drive there, we somehow got talking about depression, and Brain chipped in "I'm depressed" which seems to have been overlooked by the louder conversation going on between Shuing and G. But I definitely picked it as a sign.

We got to Shuing's place and got into Shuing's car to go to Chinksford. We decided to eat at Tea Inn. Shuing was hungry so he had a full meal, while Brain and I were still feeling the lunch so we just had something small. Talk got interesting when Shuing said G had told him about Wendy, and had me tell them a bit more. So I told them the story, and Shuing was of the opinion that I should've asked Wendy about what type of cancer her dad had, while I said I didn't because it was a little too personal and it was only the second time I'd met her. He said my problem was that I was too "distant" and my standards were too high. We didn't delve into that anymore, but I somehow agreed with him. The standards thing wasn't new, but the distance thing? Probably, but I like to call it lack of affection.

We also talked about how Brain thought he was ugly. He had said it earlier which was glossed over, but I brought it up again to reassure him and give him some self confidence. I tried to gently let him know that he just needed to actually talk to girls more, but don't think he got the message.

We also talked about Keen's divorce. Apparently he doesn't want the baby at all! Far out, never knew he was that type of person. Shuing said he'd changed a lot, he was a lot more aggressive, and was hitting on a lot of girls. I kept thinking back to the time I met him on the bus and how he kept checking out a girl behind us.

We also talked about G. I said he was lucky to have a girlfriend, because he wasn't exactly the best looking guy, whereas Shuing differed and thought G was decent looking (???). He also thought their relationship was a purely sexual one, and the thought of G being used for sex was somewhat...disturbing.

Malay arrived sometime later, and we chatted for a bit before going to the Wick for coffee/dessert.

By now I was probably a bit tired, but ordered a dessert anyway. I noticed some nice little chocolates which were present-worthy for the next Lily visit. We sat outside and talked, and conversation kinda deteriorated for me when:

1) Shuing started bagging about Ele and her group of friends. Of particular annoyance was him making fun of Colin's name (Colon, really, that's funny???) when he didn't even know the guy.

2) We disagreed on "the most important part" of The Social Network. He said it was the part where Zuckerberg was talking to his girlfriend early in the movie. I disputed it mainly because he said that scene showed he was socially inept. My idea of socially inept is Spawn - Zuckerberg in that scene was just annoying. So I said the most important scene was when the idea of facebook was being created. He got really angry and I think he said "well fuck it then".

3) He suspected that a guy who had parked a green van in front of us was a serial killer, just because the "stats" show that serial killers tend to drive green vans. He reminded me of my mom's paranoia.

It didn't help that Malay seemed to go along with making jokes about prostitutes going in and out of the motel opposite us. It's really annoying when he can never be serious. He also hasn't read that Rich Dad Poor Dad book. I'm just trying to give him a perspective on the importance of money in the hope that maybe he'd grow up, but he can't seem to realise that.

I was glad when we left, but I told myself not to be too unhappy since I was kinda glad that we at least got Shuing out and provided him with some company.

Today
I walked to the gym in the Wick this morning, did my knee exercises and some weights before walking back home. I then went to the courts looking for a game, but there were just some kids and families there, and I thought it'd be better to avoid the sun and go home to watch the Bulls-Bucks game after shooting around a bit.

To my disappointment, the game wasn't on for some reason, so that was my activity for the day.

Jogging in the rain

Today I wanted to go for a shoot around in the morning, either that or a jog, but it was dark and gloomy. When I did decide to get off my ass, it started raining, so I thought I'd go to the gym, but I drove to the Wick and Bra and both were closed.

I returned home, disappointed I hadn't done anything. I bummed around a bit before realising the rain was holding off. I had this real urge to do something physical. Part of me felt like I'd have forever before returning to work, but realistic me knew I'd only have about a week, so I needed to make the most of it.

I went out for a jog and did a lap. I reckon sometimes the beginning is the hardest part. A small part of me considered stopping, but once I got into the rhythm, everything was good. Towards the end I got a small stich but kept going, and it also started to rain lightly, but it felt good to have something cool land on my heated body.

I was quite proud of having done a lap.

I went home, had a shower before heading out to the gym. I walked to the Wick because I felt like it. I had found out from the net that it would open later. To my surprise, most shops were open in the shopping centre.

I did my knee exercises and then weights. I've decided to really try to push myself this week, if not for the sole reason that we'll be swimming at Ele's place on Friday and I want to be in good shape.

While I was doing weights, the following thought occurred to me and I thought about posting it as a status update on fb: I once came across a girl (Wendy) who, didn't judge me by my hard work through five years of uni, my willingness to push myself physically, my determination to go through surgery and rehab, but just by one number - my salary.

I also thought about Brain's will or drive. As much as I criticised him about his lack of will/drive, I must give him proprs for breaking through his own pain barrier. I figured if he vomited, then he must've broken the pain barrier. BUT, I am assuming that it was vomit. I'm still not sure, maybe he was just spitting.

After gym, I bought some bread, hash browns and chips before walking home. Some guy on a bike asked me for directions to the supermarket, and after I gave it to him I realised it was wrong. Fark.

I'm reading that book that Scope lent me. It's not as addictive as Kiyosaki, but it'll do. I'm really into investing now. I think it'd be hard to say I've lost my current credit card balance through gambling. It's been more than five months now. But the thing is, I really under-estimated the power of compound interest. It's like I make a payment, and then the interest and fees undo it. My shares portfolio will soon catch up to my credit card balance - wtf???

Friction!

Last night while watching the NBA games, I would slide my right foot (wearing a slipper) back and forth, and was pretty sure that it was the incision area that caused a bit of reluctance everytime I pulled it back. So I decided to rub/massage it the way Jonathan had done, and after a while the resistance had indeed dissipated, adding to my suspicions.

I did quite a bit of rubbing, and just then realised that I had developed blisters! I suddenly remembered what Jonathan had said when I asked if this was something I could do myself, and he said no because the friction would cause me blisters. Apparently one cannot massage oneself.

So I am thinking about going to those (non-happy ending) massage places and asking them to massage my incision area...

A quiet christmas

On Wednesday my bail app fell through. I didn't end up having to go to the SC in the morning, and in late morning Libby called me to say my matter had been mentioned, and sounded a bit panicky as she asked me to go there.

So I grabbed my file together in haste and headed over to court. Libby was on the phone when I got there, I waved to the interpreter Courtney and noticed a blonde girl sitting next to Libby. At first I thought she was a cop, but later saw she was holding a file. When Libby went to the bathroom, I introduced myself to her. Apparently she's from Libby's floor, seemed like a newbie, and was a bit flushed by the pace of the list.

She was quite talkative, in a uninhibited way, like we had been friends before. Libby came back and then CJ arrived on the scene. We made some small talk about me changing sides and GS. I admired CJ as I hadn't seen him in a long time, and waited for him to go just so I could tell Libby and that blonde girl that he was like one of the best lawyers ever.

I later went to talk to the interpreter until court opened. I waited for some other matters to finish, watching one of Imad's matters, before mentioning my one. The mag said he didn't have time to deal with it today and asked me to advise the other side. I was a bit shocked, for him to just dismiss it like that, cause it'd mean that the guy would have to spend christmas and new year's in jail - not that he had much of a chance anyway.

I went back to the office, a little relieved that it wouldn't be going ahead, but also a little fearful that the other side may take issue with it. I tried calling them but their phone was off. I decided to go to lunch, and went to Woolies to get something cheap.

At Woolies, the other side called me and I told them what had happened. He seemed pretty ok with it, so that made me relax a bit.

I grabbed some chicken chippies and headed back to the office. I bumped into Trent at the lifts and offered him one. He declined at first but then took one. In hindsight, at the lunch with the cops, I think he offered to buy me a beer (twice) as a way to make up for whatever had happened before, and me declining may have made him think I didn't want to make up. But what I didn't tell him was that I didn't drink.

On Thursday I noticed that Sarah had taken the second half of the day off. After work I went for a walk and bumped into her near the bottom of our building. I tried to make a quick joke like "you're going to work now?" I noticed she was with a guy, and she introduced him as her brother. Paranoia me tells me she did that rather quickly just so I wouldn't assume he was her boyfriend. But that's paranoia me.

Oh, at lunch also, I ran to the gym to do my knee exercises as I hadn't gone to the gym in the morning. Bought some sushi for lunch after.

I finished my reps minute on Friday. I had completed it by about noon, then changed and went to the gym to do my knee exercises. I had gone to the gym in the morning, and I wanted to do it again at lunch so I wouldn't have to go after work.

I ran to the gym again, and again had sushi. When I returned, I found that most people had left for the day. Apparently on the last day of work, it's only a half day. Sarah had sent me a worked related email, and I was surprised there was no "merry christmas" or "happy new year" attached to it. Maybe that's why Heath calls her the Ice Maiden?

I ate my lunch and then finalised my minute. I went to level 10 to put it in Wendy F's in tray. I saw Dugon and said hi, and also saw Wendy A. We had a brief chat and she said it had been nice working with me, and I said the same. I really didn't find all that bad talk about her to be fruitful. She seems like a nice enough boss.

I went back to level 11, packing up ready to go. But I wanted to eat my orange, so quickly savaged it in the kitchen before anyone could see me, but Michael walked past and said I was still here. I also went to use the internet to check the tv guide, and Jim also came past and talked to Michael. He joked I was ok to look after things on level 11.

I left after that, feeling free to do whatever I wanted for the next week or so. I went home, got changed and then headed back out to the city for a haircut. This time I chose the place that I saw last time which was cheaper.

I was serviced by a guy who I found some strange admiration for. He seemed distracted by other things, but I found him to do a pretty good job. He could've just given me a once over shave which I expected, but he went around a few times to make sure it was all even, and even showed me the mirror so I could see the back of my head. And it only cost me $10.

I then went to the northern part of the city to have a look around before going home.

Christmas Day
On Saturday morning I went to the courts for a shoot around and a bit of jump rope. My shot was on! I just had that 'feel' where before I had even shot I knew the ball was going in. It was a good feeling. I also did some large number eights and, maybe it was just my imagination, but it showed me how vulnerable my knee still was to running at angles. I did not feel totally safe doing that.

After that I basically just went home, had a nap and spent the rest of the day bumming around on the net researching companies for investment purposes.

Today
Waking up at 6am, I got ready and went to pick up Malay and Thai at 6:30am. I was a bit disappointed that it started to rain, but figured we'd see how bad it was once we got there.

After picking them up, we went to pick up Scope and Brain. We had to wait a while for Brain, which annoyed me a bit.

When we got there, it was still drizzling but there was no talk of turning back, so we set up near the centre of the beach and stood around for a while before finally deciding to jog off. Thai and I jogged to one end before stopping. Malay had stopped before us and was now walking toward us. Brain and Scope had stopped way earlier than that. As much as I like Scope now that we both share similarities in investing, I found it odd that he decided to show up to the beach in cargo pants with shoes and socks.

Thai, Malay and I started jogging to the other end. Malay went a fair distance before he eventually stopped. Thai and I reached the other end. I find that jogging on the sand near the water is A LOT easier than the dryer sand, because your feet sink in that sand and it takes a lot more energy to lift them up and out.

Again, we waited for Malay, and then for Brain and Scope to catch up. Scope walked off back to base, while the rest of us stood around waiting for Brain to recover even though he had just walked the entire length of the beach. We kept trying to motivate and push him, but he wouldn't budge. He even spewed/spat a few times. It was pretty disgusting.

I reckon it was a mistake bringing Scope along. He didn't seem like he wanted to do it, and more importantly, he was someone Brain could bludge with. It doesn't take much for Brain to give in to giving up, all it takes is a buddy who also wants to not try.

I swear we spent so long standing around, we watched as people did laps and laps while we just stood there. Finally we got fed up and just ran off. Thai, Malay and I started running pretty fast at first, and then I realised it was pretty fucking tiring because of how my legs kept sinking into the sand, so I slowed down. They eventually stopped and I kept jogging back slowly back to Scope.

Thai arrived, and collapsed onto the sand, then Malay arrived. Brain, I was told, had ran a bit, and then decided to walk the rest of the way back. Some of the life guards came over to make sure Thai was alright, thinking he had fainted or something, lol.

We rested a bit before moving a bit closer to the water to do push ups and sit ups. Scope did a few push ups, but refused to do any sit ups. I gave up on him and just made sure Brain complied.

We did three sets before Thai went for a jump into the water. Although skinny, he is actually pretty ripped, sporting a six pack, which surprised all of us.

It had started raining a bit harder now as we walked back to my car. But then we found Scope had fallen back. Turns out he was looking for his ring which he dropped, so we walked back in the rain looking for the ring. I was getting a bit annoyed. I tried to empathise with losing something, but we didn't work out as much as I had wanted, so I was pretty pissed off with Brain about always wanting something so bad yet when it came to walk the walk he never delivered. Now we were standing around in the bloody rain looking for the damn ring.

We didn't find it, and walked back to my car in the rain. We drove to the shopping centre in Bondy for breakfast, where Scope, Brain and I had Subway and Malay and Thai had KFC.

We went to check out JB for a bit, because Malay was looking for a blu ray movie to try out on a new PS3 his sister had bought him for christmas. That probably stung me a bit more than I would like to admit - it made me realise how bad my relationship with my sister was, and why I didn't like talking about it with others. Would she ever buy me a PS3? No.

We hung around long enough for Thai to get annoyed (and you know that when he gets annoyed, it's a fair call), so Malay just chose Inception.

Brain wanted to get a pair of jeans so he went to YD. Scope and I stood outside waiting, Malay went to the bathroom, and Thai was accompanying Brain, but had come out with us after a while. I swear, Brain took soooooo long. My legs were tired. The workout on the beach didn't make my legs tired, but standing around for so long made them tired.

We then went to Myer cause I wanted to check out business shirts, and I ended up getting a white Van Heusen shirt which was 50% off. While I was in the line, I noticed a fat, bald white guy with a slim, younger Asian girl. I don't know, maybe he had a good sense of humour, but I tended to think she was there for other reasons.

We went to Border where we checked out some books, and then went upstairs to check out some movie times because G wanted to meet up later for a movie, but Malay wanted some rest before going to work, which pretty much made the rest of us disband, and I drove everyone home.

Scope had lent me his book on investing in gold and silver, and I had forgotten to lend him my Conspiracy of the Rich book (which I finished a few days ago and came to the conclusion that it was almost akin to trash), so I took a shower and then dropped the book off to him at Thai's place.

I then went to the city to get some petrol. I swear the thought of going to the casino crossed my mind, but luckily I was in my bball shorts. I then went to the Wick intending to buy a half chicken for lunch. Most shops were closed, but I checked out a video store before buying the chicken.

I went home to eat it while watching an episode of How I Met Your Mother before watching the Orlando vs Boston game. I fell asleep in the fourth quarter, thinking Boston had control and would win, but turns out they lost and broke their 14 game winning streak. I found that I really liked watching Boston's style of basketball.

I woke up to watch the Lakers vs Heat game. It was a good game, and watching Kobe motivated me to work out in this coming break.

Rookie mistake

Yesterday's preparation for the bail was nerve racking. At times, I wanted to not do it. I often wanted the easy way out. As the time got closer, the feeling in my stomach got sicker. Or maybe it was just the lolly I ate. But I didn't really have an appetite for lunch, although I did force myself to buy a couple of buns from Breadtop just to keep me going.

At about 1:40pm I left the office and headed for the court. When I got there, I saw a whole group of people standing in the stairwell waiting for the doors to open, along with AD and GB. I nodded to both of them and they acknowledged me. I wondered what GB was here for.

Great, now he's going to see how much I suck.

I stood around a bit before AD came down and had his sol had me some documents. He also told me GB was going to do the bail. This was great for many reasons:

1. In 'the' trial, I was defence and he was pros. Now we had switched.

2. He is a silk. I am on a level 1 salary. Fucking hell.

3. In case that wasn't obvious enough, it's like Michael Jordan against Joe Wolf.

Yeah, that's right - who?

The cop came around to introduce himself to me. He had told me he wasn't dressed for the occasion, but I still didn't expect this. I had taken one look at him earlier and thought he was a crim, lol.

We walked in, and then into the courtroom. WT was also there, and when he found out I was for the pros, he started saying stuff like "what's a nice young man like you doing opposing bail, it's Christmas", haha.

Our matter was first up, and it wasn't mag Moore, which was disadvantageous for me. He read the facts and asked me for my attitude, and then GB did his spiel. He was very structured, and fairly persuasive, although I didn't agree with his "positive rejection" comment. Come on.

Then it was my turn. I half read my points and half spoke freely. I was doing alright, until I added that one piece of evidence represented "a desire, followed by an attempt".

GB picked up on this and said in reply that a desire was not enough. I could feel my face going red. I did follow it up with attempt.

The mag gave him bail, and we spent the next few minute ssorting out the conditions. We walked out, and the cop and I went to the registry to sort some things out. We waved goodbye to GB and AD then walked out. I felt pretty bad. I also felt conflicted. Me losing = me unhappy = someone getting bail? That didn't make sense. Usually I'm ecstatic when someone gets bail. Now I don't want them to?

The cop and I talked about the case as we walked back, and then parted at the intersection. I felt so so bad. I went back to the office and found Mary talking to Claire and Jenny, and I told them what had happened. Michael had also arrived on the scene and we were outside Sarah's room so she could hear. When I told them it was GB, someone joked the mag had asked "what conditions would you like GB?" meaning it was almost automatica bail. Maybe that made me feel a bit better.

But it's left me wondering: did I do a bad job, or was it purely by GB's reputation that he got bail?

I was pretty much out of it for the rest of the day, so finished off writing up some notes, had to go see Wendy A about a matter, and then tried to pack up to leave. It was close to 6pm and Mary was still there. We headed out together and she placed some chocolates on my desk. That made me suspect that she had been waiting for me to leave first.

We talked on the way out and parted at the bottom of the building. I went home then drove to the gym to do my exercises and clear my mind.

Today
I didn't feel like going to the gym in the morning. When I was half awake I had considered skipping it, but I ended up going anyway.

I was somehow fresh and re-charged for the day, to prepare for the bail tomorrow. I had to learn from my mistakes, and couldn't let failure haunt me. I was all charged up to just get into the office and start working. But when I got in, Mary was talking to Sarah and suggested we go for a coffee.

Great.

I did a bit of work for Wendy A before Mary came around to collect me. So Mary, Sarah, Steve, Moira, Jenny and I headed off to the QVB for coffee. This was really crazy. Why on earth were we going so far for coffee??? DON'T WE ALL HAVE WORK TO DO???

I had a good chance to talk to Steve on the way there. We haven't spoken much since my arrival. Maybe he's busy, or maybe he doesn't like me. But he doesn't seem like the type. We talked about how he used to work for SLA, which I find pretty cool. He was pretty humble about it, saying he'd only been there for a year, but we all know a year there is like two years anywhere else.

We ended up at a pretty fancy shop upstairs in QVB. At first I got some bad seating, seated next to Moira and away from everyone, until Mary asked me to move next to Steve - good move.

We ordered our coffee and some cakes and sat around talking. It was good to have this kinda thing, which I never imagine would be done with level 10. I couldn't help but notice how much Sarah looked like lollypop. I wondered why Heath called her ice maiden, lol. She didn't seem uptight to me, but she did seem to be 'proper'. I liked the way she would touch her ponytail sometimes when she talked.

I was mostly quiet throughout, but did manage to get a few lines in. Michael arrived later and we joked about him taking all the cakes. I reckon this is the only branch where you can make fun of the boss like that, and I'm not sure if it's something I can get used to.

After a while we walked back, and I talked to Steve again.

I spent the rest of the day preparing for tomorrow. At lunch I went to Pizza Hut to get a pasta. While waiting, I took a seat at the end near two teenagers. One of them asked me if I had a spare $2. I said no, even though I did. He then asked me for a cigarette. I said I didn't have any, and he said he saw me smoking outside.

Then his friend asked if I wanted to buy an ipod, and he held one out. It reminded me of those GIC cases. I said no.

After a while the guy who had asked me for change walked down the stairs and started talking to some of the diners eating above the stairs. He seemed to be offering them the ipod. Unbelievable, one guy was interested enough to talk to him, and then come down to the stairs to continue the conversation, then his friends joined him and I presume there was some bargaining going on.

I just wanted my pasta as quickly as possible.

In the end the guys didn't seem to buy it, I got my pasta and left.

I actually had that sickening feeling in my stomach again, so maybe I'm not sick from nervousness, but from something else. But the pasta was alright, depsite how I felt.

I worked on my bail for the rest of the day. It had appeared that I would be going to the SC in the morning, but that's no longer the case. At the end of the day, I was facing my door reading a case, when Sarah yelled out goodbye. I looked up through my window and saw her in her sporty gear.

Maybe it's just me, but thus far I don't think she has ever said goodbye to me at the end of the day. Was she just trying to get me to see her in her sporty gear?

On the bus home I bumped into Keen. He was waving at me, and because I didn't have my glasses on, I thought he was waving at someone else until I got closer. It was a bit awkward, because I didn't want to bring up his divorce so I tried hard to avoid it. But I think I did a good job of making convo. I noticed he kept checking out a girl who had gotten on and sat a row behind us on the other side of the aisle. I was a bit surprised, maybe he's just on the rebound.

I didn't go to the gym, but I did go for a run. Didn't really feel like it, but told myself it'd be good for my knee. I did a lap without stopping, even though towards the last leg my stomach started cramping. I felt my tummy and it felt like I was fat, but when I got home to look in the mirror, I'm quite lean, that part just naturally sticks out.

The amateur bootcamp

On Saturday morning, I got to Malay's place at after 6:30am to find Thai already waiting there. I had to call Malay, as he still wasn't down. Scope had bailed. I thought for sure Malay would've been the one to bail.

Malay came down, and we drove to pick Brain up. So the four of us were on our way to Bondy beach for our first group work out.

We got there and picked a base at one end of the beach to put our shoes and stuff down. We decided to jog around the beach. My plan was to jog three times around and just to basically do three sets of everything.

However, jogging in the sand proved harder than first thought, even for me, as I hadn't anticipated so much energy would be used as your feet fell into the sand with each step. After a minute or two of jogging, Brain stopped, and sat down. He was out. I couldn't believe how quickly he had given up. I also couldn't believe how little the 'average' person could run. He said he felt like throwing up. It was that bad.

We stood around waiting for him, then Malay started running off, and so Thai and I followed. The thing with Malay is he doesn't follow instructions - he uses up too much energy in the beginning by running fast and then stopping, whereas Thai and I jogged slowly and managed to do most of the return trip without stopping. Brain walked the rest of the way back.

Malay went to pay for his parking, and when he returned I got everyone to do push ups and showed them some ab exercises. We did them and it was good to see them 'feel it' because that way you knew it was working.

I think overall it was a good workout, but it didn't do much for me. After that we went to get a Boost juice, and then had breakfast at Macca's.

We went home after that. Malay seemed like he wanted to do something, but I was sleepy and wanted to get some rest. So I went home, showered and had a nap.

I had intended to go to the office to prepare for the bail on Monday, but I didn't really feel like it, so I went out to the city instead and bought Kiyosaki's Conspiracy of the Rich book. I bought some wedges and a drink from Woolies and ate it in a foodcourt while reading the book. Good way to pass time.

Today, I met up with A for swimming. It would be our last for the year, as the pool was closing next Friday for the holidays. We talked about the NBA (Vince Carter had just been traded from Magic to Suns), and the police lunch I had on Friday. There was a lady in the lane next to us who looked at me a bit, and I wondered if she was a cop who had overhead me talking. Hmmm.

A decided to do 10 laps, even though I pushed him to do 11. Really, what was one more? I did 12, but wanted to do more. I find that I'm really finding the efficient stroke, which allows me to go faster without using as much energy. I'm really liking this swimming thing.

A drove me home, then I had a shower and breakfast before going to the office. I did about two hours work, left at 1pm then went to the gym in the city to do some knee exercises. I've found that when I press on my knee bone, there is some pain. I reasoned that maybe it was still sore from the drilling, so decided to avoid impact related exercises.

After that I went home and did a bit of research into what good companies there were to invest in. I'm creating spreadsheets now to analyse their value, which I find is a good way to keep myself pre-occupied in a healthy way.

I am planning to see Lily again on a somewhat regular basis (maybe not weekly) so am trying to figure out how I can afford that and pay off my credit card at the same time.

Christmas Lily

Skipped gym in the morning again, because I needed to get to work early. I used the time to work on a letter for level 10 which I promised Wendy A I'd do. I did research on it and drafted it carefully and sent it to all those above me, without Alanna having to check it. I figured she was probably tired ot me by now anyway.

After that it was a bit of a bludge as I waited for the pinyata thing to roll around. I had imagined Christina to be there, but she was in court with a few others. Mis called me to borrow my jacket as he had forgotten his and needed to go to court, so I went down to lend it to him.

When I returned, they were beginning the pinyata thing and Mary said they were looking for me. I went to put my things back in my room and joined them. I stupidly sat next to Gina and realised it was a farewell for her as well, and then realised that the card they gave her had never been passed around to me, whether intentionally or not, so the fact that I was standing next to her made my absence on the card even more noticeable. And what's more, she gave a speech and opened her present, and I was right next to her not knowing where to look, since I was sure I was in her spotlight.

The pinyata thing was fun. Michael took the first wack, and he took a few steps back bracing himself. He was actually going to take a serious whack at it. I had thought it'd be easy, but then realised my sport was basketball, not baseball - I hadn't swung something in ages. And the thing was pretty damn sturdy, so even a big hit seemed to do no damage. When it was my turn I was careful not to come off as a girl, but also not to bloody smash the whole thing through the window. I think I struck a good balance.

I handed the broom to Sarah who actually whacked it harder than I did, and after that I said "I didn't realise you were that strong", and she seemed lost for words.

Finally someone managed to free all the lollies and they all fell to the ground. It was quite a beautiful sight. Michael stood in the midst of it all and had a picture taken. This would never happen down on level 10.

We finished at around 11:30am and then it was a short wait until the lunch with the coppers. I did a bit of research for my bail thing, and then heard Sarah and Mary heading off to the lunch. They didn't come get me, so I figured maybe I could escape and save a bit of money as well. I could just say I forgot, hehe.

But after a while, Gina came and asked if I was going, and I pretended I forgot, and said I'd go with her. She said she was going with Michael and we could all go together.

I saw that Christina had returned from court and thought she wasn't going, since she didn't go with Sarah and Mary, but Gina said she'd be going. At 1pm, I waited around for Gina to say her goodbyes to the boss, and stood around while Michael and Imad joked around with some lady on maternity leave.

Finally Christina, Gina, Michael, Bry and I headed off. We decided to catch the free shuttle bus. On the way to the bus stop, Christina bumped into some Korean guy and stopped to have a few words with him. Michael then made some comment about her picking strange guys on the street and her husband.

HUSBAND???

I couldn't tell whether Michael was joking or not. But then at the bus stop, I noticed she was wearing a ring on her ring finger. My heart was silently crushed. It was only at this point that I realised how much of a crush I had on her. I had fantasised too soon. Everything came crashing down - once again. Yes, just like every other time.

We all managed to squeeze on a bus packed with school kids, and it was funny to see Michael standing on the bus, hehe. After a few stops a seat became free, and Michael and I sat down. He wasn't as talkative as he was when he was standing and able to talk to Gina. I think I bore him. But then I sometimes tole a glance over at Bry sitting next to Christina and they weren't talking much either.

We got off later and started walking to The Rocks. There were a bit of stairs involved, and I was pretty amazed at how women, and Gina in particular, are able to maneuver their way around with heels.

From the waiting around in the office till now, maybe I'm paranoid, but I felt Christina had distanced herself from me somewhat. Maybe she figured out I might like her, from the chocolate. But finally as I tagged behind, she slowly fell back and it was like she was "forced" to talk to me. She asked me why I went to this lunch late and I told her I forgot.

We reached the hotel and took a bit of time finding the others, but eventually found everyone situated in a small cosy room. It was almost like the cops were sitting on one side, and us on the other. I had that all too familiar "shit I don't know anyone" feeling, but everyone seemed quite chummy.

Mary introduced me to everyone, and I chatted a bit with the cops close to me, and then went with Gina and Bry to order. I got a coke and bacon pizza, and I was the last to order. Gina was about to walk off before she stopped and apologised for leaving me there. I was thinking "wtf?", I don't care??

Anyway, we headed back to our table, and I sat there mostly in silence, watching and listening to everyone else talk. I find that this suits me more. There was a copper who looked very familiar, but he was sitting on the other half of the table so I couldn't say anything to him even if I wanted to.

It took a while for the food to come, but it did arrive finally. Gina ended up regretting her sardine pizza. I did offer her mine, but she politely declined. Michael had a bit of mine, I knew he couldn't resist.

After we finished eating we (the lawyers) headed out for some 'air', but just ended up standing around in the stairs outside. Bry and I headed out, which turned out to be just a table of us and Moira. After some initial chat, they started talking about girly things, and Bry got me involved by telling me about how she was dancing with this guy after the office christmas party. I just kept looking at the basketball court across the road, wanting to play and thinking about how that was where I had the final injury leading to my surgery.

After a while Moira said she was leaving, and I took the opportunity to follow suit, so we left together. As we walked past one of the entrances, I waved goodbye to Sarah, and Moira reluctantly did the same. She then said "we were supposed to leave stealthily, stealthily" lol.

We had a good chat on the way back to the office, I find that as ex-defence we share a lot of values. We were both uncomfortable sitting around the cops and agreed that we'd rather sit with our clients, lol. I reckon if I found her attractive and if she didn't talk so much, I'd go for her.

She returned to the office and I went straight to my bus stop. I caught the bus home and found that the car was there. I decided to go to the gym. The thought of seeing Lily had crossed my mind, but I told myself I'd decide after gym.

When I first laid down to start my knee exercises, I felt like rushing it so I would get to see Lily (I had decided that if I could get to the fruit shop to buy the chocolate strawberries before it closed, then I'd go see her) but then decided maybe it would be better to just have a quiet night at the bookstore or something.

So I did my exercises, and took my time doing them. I got changed and took my dry cleaned suit with me, and saw that the fruit shop was starting to close. I went to put my things in the car, then started walking back. I called the shop and asked if she was working. Part of me thought she could've returned to Korea by now. The guy said yes and I booked for 7pm.

I bought the chocolate strawberries, surprised it was $10. There were five, in a nicely wrapped box. I was expecting a discount since they were closing. But eh.

So I drove from there to the shop, and got there at about 6:40pm, so walked to the pub to use the bathroom before returning to my car to get the chocolate strawberries.

I felt a bit odd walking into the shop in broad daylight, but eh. The usual guy opened the door, having that hard intimidating look on his face until he recognised me as a usual. I paid him and waited in the waiting room.

After a few minutes, I was called. I saw Lily, and she seemed happy to see me. When walking up the stairs, she kept turning around as if to check if it was really me. When we reached the top, she said "long time no see". I joked "really? I came last week" but she didn't seem to get it.

She went back out of the room to get something as usual and then returned. I sat on the bed, having only taken my shoes and socks off. I told her I had a present and took out the box. She really liked it and said it was "iba", meaning pretty. I told her she was iba, which made her laugh. I asked her to open it but she didn't want to because it was so pretty.

We sat and talked a bit. Seriously, all I wanted to do was talk to her, and more importantly, just hold her. The Christina thing made me return to my shell, and I just wanted someone to hold.

I told her I had been busy as I had started a new business trading shares, which wasn't really that much of a lie. I tried to explain it to her but she didn't understand. She asked if I had been to the shop since last time, and I said no, but she didn't believe me at first until I told her since last time, I have been working working working until now.

I asked again about the strawberries which prompted her to open it. She finally got the package undone and offered the first one to me, but I said "you first". She asked if I had made it and I laughed saying I bought it. She said "no you made it" and I insisted it was purchased. She took a bite and I asked if it was better than the ones I made, and she said no, she liked my ones better. She offered it to me and I took a bite. We shared three like that before she closed the box, saying she wanted to give them to her friend.

She took the flower that had been attached to the package and put it to her hair, then mine, then her finger, and then finally wrapped it around the handle of her bag.

She said her friend was leaving for Korea in two weeks and was not coming back, "so sad" she added. I asked her what she had been doing, and she told me she had been playing pool with her friend. She said that they were both pretty good. I said I was good and asked if she believed me, and she said yes lol.

She said I was a bad boy for coming to this place (in the time I hadn't seen her) and I said I was a good boy because I hadn't been since last time I saw her.

I said it had been a month since I saw her, and she said it'd been more than that. I was surprised she kept count. She said it was about five weeks, and added something about having taken 10 days off.

She asked if I had a cigarette, and when I said no, she pouted and pretended to be angry and asked me why not. I said I'd bring one next time and she laughed. She went out to get her cigarettes and asked me if I wanted a drink. I said "secura" which made her laugh. I took off my shirt and waited. When she came back she started smoking and we talked some more.

She showed me her nails which had been painted different again - this time blue and white alternating on different fingers. She did the same for her toes.

We somehow got talking about abs, and she said she wanted vertical lines down her tummy but not horizontal lines. I showed her some abs exercises and she already knew one of them. She said she has a pool downstairs in her apartment and also does 30 minutes of the hula thing. She mentioned cellulite, lol.

She patted her tummy and showed it to me, saying it was big. I said it wasn't, and then joked she had a baby. She said it was mine. I said "really?" and she said yes.

Finally she got up and started undressing, and I followed. We showered and talked a bit before heading to the bed. I noticed her breasts seemed small now (again). I swear they change sizes. I didn't want to push for anything out of routine, so I laid on my tummy on the bed. She started kissing my back and when she discovered she was missing something, she went out to get it. I just pretended I had fallen asleep.

When she came back, she started kissing my back again and I said "I thought there would be a different girl" which made her laugh a bit. The kisses were fairly standard until she reached my neck. I held her hand and she started breathing into my eat and licking into it. I could feel the passion had increased. She whispered for me to turn around, which I did.

She got on top of me, and I felt good that I was with her again. I think she felt the same way, because she leaned down to kiss me on the lips. It was pretty much a closed lip kiss, but I still liked it. She went down on me, and then climbed back to the top.

She started her thing and then I got on top. I was rubbing her down there but she laughed like it tickled, so I stopped. I kissed her breasts and when I sucked them she laughed like it tickled so I stopped. We started going at it with a lot of passion, and I could feel the heat building up. She held my body close to hers, and we went at it like that for a while before we switched to doggy. I didn't feel as comfortable doing this but went at it anyway.

After a while she got back on top, and asked if I was tired. I said a bit. That was how we finished and she said I was a bad boy for making her work so hard. I said it was good exercise and she laughed.

I couldn't wait to hold onto her. I really needed it. I needed to hug someone. I held her as she laid there and smoked a cigarette. I felt very comfortable doing that. I had let myself go. No inhibitions now, I just hugged her because I needed it.

When she finished her cigarette, she slid down so I was now holding her upper body. Later she changed to face me, and I leaned my head into hers. It felt sooooo good to hold her. I really needed it. That was what I paid for. If I had to justify the cost of this, the moment she kissed me on the lips and the hugging now was all worth it.

We kissed on the lips again. I knew we didn't have much time left, but I wanted everything to stop and pause. I liked it like that. Later she got up and said "shower" just as the buzzer went. She said she couldn't sleep as she had slept so much yesterday. She went to the shower, and I later followed, asking her about the opening hours through christmas and new year.

She asked me to get closer but I didn't know what she meant. She said the shop wasn't closing but she'd be taking a week off from 25th onwards. I stepped closer and she started showering me. She was washing my dick when I joked that I would come on the 25th, and she squeezed it hard, until I said "joking". I had reached that stage with her where she doesn't want me to see anyone else.

I was drying myself while she was still showering. She asked if I noticed anything different. I looked closely at her face, fearing that she had had cosmetic surgery. I couldn't notice anything different. She said her hair was longer because she got longer extensions, and had dyed it brown instead of red like before. She said brown made her skin lighter.

I had noticed her hair was longer, but just thought it had grown since I last saw her.

We got dressed and I said "merry christmas if I don't see you" and she said the same. I walked out with my bag over one shoulder. She playfully tried to pull it down or wrap it around my other shoulder. At the bottom of the stairs I turned around and we said our goodbyes.

I drove to the seaside and fell asleep for a bit. When I woke up, I felt a lot better.

19B...

Skipped the gym in the morning because I wanted to get to work earlier since I had that sentencing matter today. My only goal was to stop a 19B being given. Seemed simple enough, but given a sympathetic mag, it might just be possible.

I did a bit of light preparation before heading off to court. After the scanners, I turned around and saw GS coming through! We greeted eachother, and there was GB as well, and he joked it was a reunion, only it wasn't at Parra, lol. So GS and I talked a bit, the first thing I noticed about him was that he had lost a lot of weight, and I told him so. I just hope it was due to exercise and not anything else. I have this light suspicion he might suffer from depression.

He commented on my hair cut, and I had totally forgotten that this was his first time seeing me with a shaved head. After a brief chat we parted ways.

I waited in the courtroom, and after a while found the other side. We talked a bit before starting. I couldn't find the cop, so I looked back and an old lady waved at me.

Damn, and I thought I was good at picking out cops...

After the mag found out that the other side was calling a witness and that it'd take a while, he stood it down to 2pm, so back to the office I went.

It was really annoying because I couldn't focus on any other work, yet at the same time I had already prepared as much as I could so there wasn't much I could do. I organised a few files and then went out to get some lunch and ate it back at the office.

Finally at around 1:45pm I went back to court, and it started raining pretty heavily. It was another cop there this time, a younger lady. We started in court, and they called the witness. I didn't think she said much, in fact I think what she said helped me, so I didn't cross-examine. I was preparing my subs mentally, wavering between "ok, I'm structured, say this, this and this" and "shit, I got nothing to say".

Weird.

In the end, I didn't have to say anything because the mag wasn't going to give a 19B.

Phew.

When it finished, I was talking to the police outside the courtroom and said I wanted to get a good look at the guy because he lives around where I lived. The male cop just said not to worry.

I was pretty happy about the result, and almost skipped back to the office. Talbot wasn't there when I got back, and neither was Mary. I saw that Alanna had returned from court in a matter I used to have, so I went down to talk to her about it. After that, I told her about my case, and I got a bit of the vibe that she wasn't too interested. Maybe she thought I was gloating about level 11.

She gave me something to return to Imad, which I did. I still had no one else to talk to about my matter, so I was feeling a bit restless. I thought about giving Christina a piece of chocolate and went around, only to stop by and talk to Imad. We were both going to put in $5 for the morning tea, so we walked to Bry's office and talked about the bail I have coming up. We walked back to his office and kept talking, until his phone rang, which gave me an exit.

I walked past Christina's room and looked in, wondering if she was on the phone. I stopped momentarily to see. She seemed to have sensed someone outside and turned around. I walked in and asked if she wanted a chocolate and gave it to her. She held it and started opening it, asking me what it was for. I started walking away, saying "ummm...sending that judgment earlier" making her laugh, hoping it hadn't melted while it was in my hand talking to Imad.

Actually, it's because I have a crush on you.

I walked back to my office and realised what had happened.

Shit...it's begun.

I have not only started a crush on her, but I have actioned on it. You CANNOT give her anything else until she at least reciprocates. Fark, now you're gonna be paranoid about everything. At tomorrow's morning tea, you'll want to speak to her. At tomorrow's lunch with the cops, you'll keep an eye on her to see if she's talking to any of the good looking coppers. Paranoia.

Part of me thinks maybe she's just the chatty, sociable type. But then again, why would she ask if I had a girlfriend???

Talbot had returned, and I walked into her office. I said "19B..." and she looked at me with a smile, anticipating. I continued "...not given" and she laughed, saying "you're funny" which reminded me of Alanna.

At the end of the day, I was walking to the photocopying room and Talbot was on her way out. I just said "see you tomorrow", but I swear, no shit, she looked at me with a slightly wicked grin, like some seductress or something, and I was thinking "wtf???"

Then I saw Heath standing there, and I said "ah Mr Hazel" and he waited until Talbot walked out before saying something like "you get along with the ice maiden?" lol.

Anyway, he was here to chase up a file from Moira for tomorrow's list, and she was out at court, and Mary was talking to Gina. It was a good example of how everyone isn't in their office half the time, lol. I said maybe Moira was going to court herself, so asked him to call to see if Moira had booked a car. He called, and found she didn't have any bookings. When Mary finished, Heath went to talk to her, and her and Gina started sorting it out. What really struck me was how relaxed they were about the whole thing! They were laughing and joking, with none of that "wait till that Moira gets back, I'm gonna let her have it" stuff.

Far out, people are way too relaxed here.

Time with Christina in court

Yesterday when I got to work, I saw Wendy A had left a voice message the previous day at about 5:36pm. She wanted to talk about a matter I had emailed her about, so I thought it'd be better if I just went to see her.

I went down to level 10 and saw her in Darrell's room. When she saw me she greeted me and we went into her room. She joked about me having gone home when it was only 5:30pm the day before, and then asked if I wanted to come back.

Eh???

I laughed, not knowing how to answer. I then just said "it's very different" and the conversation moved on. That was the most diplomatic (read: sitting on the fence) response I could come up with. It's not that I didn't want to come back, but how bad would it look to level 11? I go there for a few weeks then piss off? They'll think I didn't like them.

We talked for a while about how to draft a letter in my matter, and then I returned to level 11 to do work.

Just when I thought I would have plenty of time and cruise to the end of the year, I was told by Michael that there'd be a bail app the next day, so I spent the rest of the day preparing for that.

After work I went home, then walked to the gym. I did my exercises, then walked back home.

Today
I woke up somewhat nervous about today's bail app. I went to the gym in the morning, then went to work. It was at 2pm, so I had the first half of the day to finish preparing.

I had that all too familiar feeling of being scared shitless about appearing in court, not really sure why.

I had to amend a document, which was approved a little too quickly. This job really forces me to be extra extra careful, because I know if I make mistakes, no one will pick it up until it's too late. I actually did discover a few mistakes I made in the amended document, and I was very very lucky I spotted it, or else I would've handed that up.

Anyway, I saw that Imad and Christina were at the court as well, and I wondered if they would be there watching me. That made me even a bit more nervous. What if I really fuck up, and Imad regrets choosing me for level 11?

At about 12:30pm I went out for lunch, on the way out I passed Imad and Christina coming back from court. I spoke to Imad briefly about a call earlier, which made it seem like I had just ignored Christina.

I grabbed a Subway sandwich and headed back to the office, and at the lifts bumped into Christina and Imad again as they went out to lunch.

At about 1:40pm I headed out to court. I walked up the stairs looking for the officer. I looked to my left and saw a tall handsome guy in a suit. I said his name and he replied. I don't know why, maybe it was just a guess, but officers seem to have this 'look' about them - they're dressed too nicely to look like a crim, but and too good looking to be a lawyer.

We talked a bit, before Christina seemed to appear out of nowhere and joined us. She mentioned that level 9 has a rule that LO1's aren't allowed in this court, so I might be the first. The three of us talked for a bit before she walked off, and I heard her speaking on her phone in Korean. I wonder if it was a boyfriend. She returned again, and then we all went into court.

At the scanners, AJ asked me if I was in his matter. I actually couldn't believe I'd be going up against him. Luckily, he wanted an adj and the other guy pulled his app.

In court, I watched Christina do her bail app, I think she's pretty decent. She's not perfect, but that just kinda brings me back to reality as to what is expected of me. Sometimes I think I'm expected to be a silk and I put too much pressure on myself.

I wondered if she would wait for me and watch me, or if she would just head back to the office. I didn't feel any pressure now as it wasn't going ahead. When she finished, I took her place and didn't see where she went. In the middle of mine, I think the judge was looking at me, probably thinking I looked familiar and surprised I changed sides, lol.

After it finished, I went out to see Christina talking to her officer. I spoke to mine a bit and we all walked outside together. We split, and Christina and I crossed the road. I joked about the judge's face which made her laugh. As we crossed amongst cars, I thought we were going right but she was going left, which made us run into eachother.

We had a good, flowing conversation was we walked back. She was talking about how she thought the judge wouldn't ask her anything, and I said "maybe he wants to see your advocacy skills?"

In the lift, she was telling me about how the lady that spoke to me at court used to work here as a para. I then began to ask if she was private before, only to realise that, duh, she was a para, so no. Fuck I'm asking some dumb questions in front of her.

When we got back into our office, she asked me about my case, and I spent a few minutes telling her about it. I don't know, I think I'm getting the feeling that this might be the start of something. But the whole Katie thing stays in my mind to remind me about the troubles that could follow.

The chocolate thing again

Yesterday I went swimming with A. There was no water polo so we had a lane to ourselves. It's funny, I don't like sharing lanes with other people, but I don't mind sharing with him, yet there really isn't much of a difference as we swim past eachother. I guess it's just a mental thing. There was a blonde life saver there, second week in a row I've seen her now, really pretty.

After that he gave me a lift home. My plan was to try to go to the gym and maybe even shoot a few hoops before meeting up with the guys for lunch, but it didn't happen as I just bummed around at home.

At 12:30pm I drove to pick up Malay and Thai, then Scope and Brain as we headed to the city. I was looking forward to seeing Scope to talk about shares and stuff, but sometimes it was a bit awkward to bring up as I knew no one else was interested in it, so I had to wait until other people were talking about other stuff before I silently led Scope down the conversational path of shares.

I parked in the private car park near my office and we went to Seabay for dumplings. We were meeting Ken there because Malay felt sorry for him. He came a bit late and I was surprised at how fit he seemed to be. Malay made him sound like to be anorexic, but to me he looked like he had toned up a bit.

I sat opposite him, but also had the benefit of Malay sitting next to him and me sitting next to Scope, so it wasn't too bad. At first he seemed to avoid eye contact, which reminded me of Spawn, and I wondered if I was like that to people when I meet them.

The food was pretty ok, and towards the end Brain suggested we go to the arcades, so we did. What I really fucking hated was that he didn't end up playing anything. Only Thai and I spent money playing games. That really reminded me of Bobs.

After that we went across the road to Star Bucks for coffee, and sat around talking. Eventually we talked about working out, and when Brain talked about "starting next year" (like he said he would last year) I took him up on it and said we should all go work out at 7am next Saturday, so we decided to go to the beach next Saturday at 7am to do a bit of exercise. Let's see how we go.

As we were heading back to my car, Scope asked me how often I went to the gym and I said everyday, and Malay seemed to challenge me on that, saying "how come you're not buff?" Well, first of all, I wasn't wearing a shirt which accentuated my body (don't see the need to when hanging out with guys) and secondly, who said everyone goes to the gym to get buff???

He also hadn't started reading the book I lent him, which annoyed me. He seems to prefer to live life on the silly side, always making jokes, but I'm trying to introduce a more serious side to life and he doesn't seem to appreciate it.

Today
Despite not getting much sleep, I found myself waking up at 5:30am without an alarm clock. I went for a one mile jog and didn't time myself, but thought it would've been ok.

I thought I'd be really tired at work but it didn't affect me at all. I got to work at 8ish and started working on my sentencing matter for Thursday.

At lunch, I went to the lifts and saw Christina and Mel C there. They were talking about Mel C returning some lamp, but Christina seemed to want to talk to me. In the lift, I asked them what they did after the christmas party, and then Christina asked me what I was having for lunch before Mel C cut her off to say something else, which meant I never got to answer.

I went out to get some chocolates and a few drinks, and went back to the office to eat a box of rice I had brought from home. After eating, I decided to re-start what I had begun on level 10. I went to give Steve a piece of dark chocolate, and also gave Genie and Gina one.

A while later, Gina came over and said the chocolate was "beautiful". Wow, what a description. I love that chocolate and have never even thought about describing it like that. I have fantasised about giving one to Christina, but in reality it'd seem a bit odd to walk all the way there to give her chocolate (yet this was exactly what I did without qualm to most people when I started on level 10).

After work I caught the bus home, then drove to the gym to do my knee exercises and a bit of weights.

My Mom

"But this is just a story of when I was just a shorty and how I became hooked on va-al-ya-hum
Valium was in everything food that I ate, The water that I drank fucking peas on my plate,
She sprinkled just enough of it to season my steak, So everyday I have at least three stomach aches"
-- My Mom, Eminem

A couple of weeks ago I got a facebook message from my neighbour Lisa who said we had complained to the strata that they were siphoning money and that we were targeted because our garage was the only one that hadn't been painted.

Bronwyn had told me a few days earlier that this was because it had gotten too hot to paint on the day, so they decided to do it at a later date, which I had also explained to my mom.

I went home and told my mom about it and warned her about not doing it again, without having any evidence to back it up. I told her it was all in her mind about the whole garage thing. She denied having said anything to the strata people, but I found it a real coincidence that her theories which she expounded to the family a few days before that were exactly the same as that which Lisa told me about.

I know I shouldn't have, but I threatened that if she ever did such a thing again I would stop giving her money. She took offence to that, and the next day said to not give her anymore money. Of course, a few days later she seemed to have forgotten saying that and a few days ago happily accepted my money.

I did feel really bad about it and told myself to never go that far again. But at the same time, I realised that maybe I would be better off moving out, and I even started a preliminary search for a place to rent. I didn't want to be part of this anymore.

Yesterday while I was washing my car, Lisa's husband came and said he overheard my mom talking to the Indian guys next door, telling them about how they (Lisa and her husband) were siphoning money. He said he would have to consider defamation action if this continued.

I didn't want to confront my mom about it in fear of a replay of a couple of weeks ago, so I told my sister just then, who I thought might be able to connect to my mom better. Instead, I got a response like "fuck Lisa!!!".

Great.

I know that my mom has changed ever since she thought that my dad had an affair, but I don't think that gives her an excuse to be sceptical and untrusting of anything and everything. She constantly tells us that she thinks people are following her, like people who look at her at the bus stop, or people who look at her when they walk into the club she's at. Also, apparently people talking on their mobile phone are also talking about her. She thinks people are out to kidnap her.

Sometimes this all makes me wonder about how making one bad decision can have such a catastrophic impact on a family. I have to say it, I think my dad made a bad decision in marrying my mother. It's a very ironic and stupid thing to say, because if he hadn't, obviously I wouldn't be here.

But here's where it all went wrong: apparently, one condition of marriage my mom made was that she would never have to work a day in her life, and my dad promised her this, and to date has upheld that promise. I admire all that my dad has done, from bringing us to Australia to supporting us on his own.

But that promise was the starting point for everything. First, it was a selfish decision. Secondly, she doesn't seem to realise that work is actually not hard, it actually stimulates the mind. Not working your entire life, on the other hand, is hard because the boredom can really get to you - hence why many people don't want to retire.

The absence of work also means an absence of education. I find people who work are more logical than those who don't. I think logic would benefit my mom a great deal. Instead, she resorts to blackmailing to get her way. Take for example when she accused my dad of cheating. She repeatedly asked him if he did, and he repeatedly denied it. She told him to admit it or else she would go run out onto the road and get hit by a car. What else could my dad do but admit it? And once he admitted it, that would be held against him for all of eternity.

She does the same with me. Anytime I do something that she doesn't like, she will call me a bad son. I used to buy into this when I was younger, but lately I have really come to question it. According to her logic, I should never trust my future wife. I should sign over everything in her name because she is the only person I can trust (not even my dad). If I don't, then I am a bad son. I am not sure if you can get a more blatant example of control. She demands that I give her money each fortnight, and when I question her as to why she needs more when she buys rubbish and plays the pokies, she says it is not for me to question how she uses her money. Her money.

You're probably thinking, well, ok, she wanted to be a house wife, what's wrong with that? Well, the thing is, she did a pretty bad job raising us.

With my sister, she seemed to teach her all the wrong things. She taught my sister to only marry a rich husband, so now at the age of 31, she has never had a boyfriend. She is not exactly attractive, so telling her to wait for a rich man is a bit like telling a fisherman in a pond to keep waiting for a shark.

My mom has also taught her to hate the same things that she hates, to bitch about the same things that she bitches about. I just think she's really created a lot of negativity in my sister. My mom never really picked up on when things started to go wrong with my sister. Like the time I first noticed my sister was talking to herself. It went largely ignored until it became so blatantly obvious that it was too hard to ignore, like when she started throwing her own belongings out.

So what did my mom do? Take her to a temple thinking that she had been possessed by some evil spirits. Great.

Also in connectiong with the marriage thing, my mom handed down the view to my sister that she didn't need to do anything as a girl, everything could be done by men. As such, my sister was never really encouraged to learn skills, even as basic as driving. Although she did get her driver's licence a few years ago, she has never really driven, always being too scared to have an accident.

So what my mom has created is a 31 year old single pessimistic girl who has barely any skills to be independent. And it doesn't concern her because she keeps telling me to look after my sister when they (mom and dad) pass away. Of course, it might be easier if she learned to look after herself, since I am not exactly immune to cars hitting me on the road, or a building collapsing on top of me.

I remmeber I once refused to connect the tv to the DVD player because I wanted my sister to learn to do it. Of course, that created a huge fight and she never even made an attempt. It really is trial and error with three cords.

My sister's life consist of working, swimming occasionally, and watching those TVB series at home. She can stay in all day to watch tv.

With me, I would like to think that I turned out fairly normal despite my mom's upbringing. Maybe it was because I spent a lot of time with friends, I got a better feel of what was 'normal'.

However, one thing that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life is the lack of affection. I can never remember my mom playing with me, or even hugging me. She never seemed to take an interest in me. It was mainly the other way around - she told me what I was interested in. Take food for example, she doesn't know what I like, but instead buys things and tells me I like it. If I don't like it, she will call me "stupid" or "don't know anything".

That is probably her proudest achievement, which she keeps reminding me of - she buys things for me. Ok, first of all, she should know that there is a lot more to raising kids than buying them things. There is the emotional and affection side which I never got. Secondly, even if you are going to buy them things, maybe be a little bit thoughtful and see what they like or don't like, instead of buying it and telling them that they like it. It really is just a waste of money, and then I get chastised even more when I tell her so.

One of my strongest memories of the lack of affection is from Saturday Chinese school. Every week I would watch as parents picked their kids up, and I remember checking and making sure I was the only one who had to walk to catch a bus, because it was pretty unbelievable. I thought surely there must be someone who wasn't getting picked up? But it was only me. My mom could never be bothered to come get me.

I think that really was the beginning, where my "me against the world" mentality started setting in. I felt like I was all alone, with no one to help, even my family.

The lack of affection has also meant that I feel utterly uncomfortable when social settings require physical touching. Like I've said before, hugging HHH was the first time ever I have hugged anyone. I just feel so uncomfortable when I anticipate physical contact coming up. Like taking that photo with Alanna on Friday, I couldn't bring myself to put my hand on her hips, so I held onto her bag on the other side.

People wonder why I don't have a girlfriend, and I'm the only who knows. I used to think it was because I was ugly, or I didn't have enough money, or I wasn't funny enough. But turns out it's none of that. It's because I can't take that first step which crosses over from friends to something else. The barrier preventing me was stems from my lack of affection in my childhood.

Punting has helped me a bit, but it's in the wrong environment. Sometimes I feel sad about it, and feel like I am about to cry.

Sometimes I tell myself that when I have my own family, I would never let this happen. But how can I have my own family if I can never take that step?

Largely, I wonder what damage my dysfunctional mom has brought to our family. Would I be a bad son if I left?

Work christmas party

On Wednesday I went to court in the morning, so had to skip gym. I got there at about 9am, but court didn't start until 10am so I sat around for a while. As I sat there, I remembered the times I used to come here (Blacktown) to do lists, and the immense stress I was under seeing all the clients before court started. I sure am glad I don't have to do that anymore.

I was waiting for the defence lawyer to show up but never saw him, so when the doors opened I walked into the courtroom. Later I saw the client come in, but still no sign of the lawyer. I mentioned the matter, and turns out the lawyer wasn't coming, instead sending the client there because it was just going to be an adjournment. But the judge wouldn't give it to me, so I had to withdraw. He explained to her that "she'd won".

I felt a bit battered, but then reminded myself that this was a good result since it was one less file I had to deal with. I called Alanna, and it was like:

Me: Hey it's me.

Her: Hey.

Me: How's it going?

Her: Gooood (in suspicious tone).

Me: You know I only call you when I have bad news right?

Her: Yeah...

Me: Well I think I'll make an exception.

Her: What, is it really bad news?

Lol.

After I told her what had happened, I took a walk around the shopping centre, because I needed to get back to the office after everyone on level 11 had gone to the christmas lunch, otherwise they would've dragged me along, and I would've felt really awkward being there since I didn't know them that well.

I had so much time that even after catching the train back to the city, I caught a bus home to eat my lunch mainly because I wanted to save some money. It made me think about how lying created discrepancies. If someone asked me what time I finished, and measured it to the time I got back to the office, it'd be an easy discovery. Or if someone knew that I had my glasses with me at court, but not back at the office, then that was another discrepancy. It made me think about cross-examination.

Anyway, I got back to the office in good time, and turns out Mary, Gina and Steve were there because they had been in court earlier so missed the lunch (don't know about Gina though). It was pretty quiet, and Mary let us go early, although I left at 4:30pm.

I went home and then went for a jog in the park. I did one lap without stopping! Woooooo! No problems with my knee at all. I went pretty slow, but even at the end I felt like I had a lot of energy left. It actually made me want to test a mile so see how fast I could do it.

Thursday
Yesterday at work was pretty boring. I basically watched the clock go. I started reading through a file, and asked Sarah for any work that she could give me. I was so bored at work I left at 5pm. I also figured there was no point staying back late since they knew I had nothing to do - if I have nothing to do and I stay back late, then it is pretty suss.

I had sent Alanna an email in the morning saying "thank you" for checking my letter, and she replied "No, thank you :)".

Ummm...I don't get it???

During lunch I went to get a present for Karina as it was her birthday. I got her a small turtle to attach to her mobile phone. She seemed pretty happy about it, asking me to attach it straight away. I could feel sweat building on my shaved head as I was fiddling with the paperclip trying to get the string through. The pressure was too much, I didn't want to fail. I was close to giving up when I finally threaded it through.

After work I went home and then walked to the gym. I did my stuff and then went to the store next door to get some chips. As usual, that 'cordial' girl was there at the counter. When she served me, I noticed a bit of a difference in eye contact - there was more of a sparkle. Her shirt said "Santa, I can explain..." and I wanted to say "I like your shirt" but somehow thought about it for too long.

Today
Went to the gym in the morning, was a bit later than usual. I got to work expecting some really lazy attitude, but apparently everyone seemed pretty professional about having a half day. That was, at least until around midday, when I could hear someone whinging about being hungry and not wanting to work anymore.

I went out to lunch at 12:20pm, not really knowing what to get. I ended up walking into Woolies and buying a quarter chicken and a set of cutlery for $3.15!!! Wow, I think I may come here more often. I took it to the park to eat, which was peaceful except for the flies constantly attacking my chicken.

When I returned, it seemed like most had already headed off to the christmas party. Genie was still there so we decided to go together. I checked my shares for a bit while she was getting ready. I'm pretty excited, because MQG are going up right now, and there's a chance that GDO could make me a bit of money. But only time will tell.

We went with Jennifer and Ogre, and turns out the place was above Sharkies, lol. When I got there, Alanna sent me a message saying "you'd better be coming!", lol. I was actually planning to bail, so she gets credit for reading my mind.

I approached her, and she was sitting with Amy and Erin. After the greetings I went to get a coke and sat with the paras from level 10. Everyone had their fancy masks. I found it a bit hard to find something to talk to them about, but Sarah seemed pretty talkative. I also noticed that Jo girl made a bit of eye contact with me throughout.

Hayley was there as well, but I swear, she is so hot I couldn't even talk to her, and she probably thought I was ignoring her. It was only until Lewis came and sat between us and he started talking to her that I joined in. But I could tell she was probably bored with us. She was polite about it, but I could tell. We talked a bit before another girl came and Hayley started talking to her.

I found good refuge in talking to Lewis and Adam. Adam, for his age, has very impressive social skills and a sense of humour.

After a while I went off to get another drink, but this time also buying a drink for Alanna. I asked the bartender if he had anything lychee, and he said he did. He found a bottle of something and asked me how I wanted it, lol. I had no friggin' clue! The girl could tell, and suggested lychee martini, so I got that. It took a while to make it, and I was surprised it cost $9. Fack.

I got the drinks and went around looking for Alanna. She had moved from the original spot, and I found her talking to Trent. I tapped her on the arm and gave her the drink, and she put her drink on the table as she eagerly took my drink and started sipping it. She said something about me remembering that she liked lychee.

How could I forget?

I hung around there for a short while, talking to her and Imad. I realised I really had nothing to talk to her about outside of work. I found it funny when someone asked Alanna if her drink was included in the drinks voucher, lol. She probably felt special that I had bought her a drink. We watched the raffle draw which helped pass time without much talking.

After that I headed back to the para area, and found Lewis lying back against a couch. He looked pretty quiet. This was when Sarah started talking to me telling me how much she loved level 11 and hated level 10. I wondered if she was drunk. She was lucky I was the one hearing it and not anyone else.

I stayed there a bit, and even got more cokes as Lewis had collected those drink vouchers, lol. I got out of there when I felt like I didn't need to hear anymore from Sarah.

I joined the Alanna group again, and they were talking about clothes and marriage with Amy and Erin. I headed back to Lewis and then Sarah and the other paras left soon after.

Christina called me over to her group, and I invited Lewis to come along. I sensed there was a bit of a problem when I realised Trent was there. Hmmm. Bryony got me a seat and Lewis took a seat as well. I think I may have accidentally ignored Trent when he said hello, oh well.

It was either Bryony or Christina who said something about playing a game, so I was a bit excited, but they were just talking. There was a bit of flirting going on I felt, when Bryong was talking about trouble makers and Lincoln said he wasn't because he still had his tie on. Then someone said I would be if I had one more button undone, and then Lincoln took his tie and one button off.

Then Bryony got up and left, and Christina started talking to me. She invited me to sit next to her because I was "shouting at her". I tried to get Lewis into the conversation, knowing that they knew eachother through list work. But Christina seemed to only want to talk to me, and I didn't want Lewis to feel left out. But I think he did, cause he left, came back, and then left again.

Christina and I had a bit of a talk, I must've seemed like a real inattentive idiot. I asked her about where she had worked before, and she said the state. I later asked "so you started here from the beginning?" and I mentally put my head in my hands. She didn't seem too fussed about it though. She couldn't seem to understand though, how my years of experience added up to four.

I asked her where she was from (even though I knew) and she said Korean. I said "annyung" and she smiled, ignoring the quip. Hmmm. She asked me where I was from and then asked about my school and how long I'd been here. She went to Carlingford and has been here 21 years. She also lives in Epping.

We talked about Michael a bit. She told me what Alanna had told me - that even though he was a nice guy, that also meant he wouldn't stick up for you. I was a bit surprised that she told me something like that, and in hindsight it has made me re-think whether she is being phoney or genuine.

Frank was there as well, and if I ever needed confirmation that he was a sleaze, this was it. He was leaning his head into Moira's waist, and did it more than once. Christina told him he had a girlfriend, and he shrugged it off. She said somehting like "you and your grey area" and he said "it's complicated".

Michael also came around to talk to us for a bit. I told Christina that he looked a bit like a magistrate and she could see the resemblance. I wonder if she'll tell anyone.

Ben was next to her, and we talked a bit before being interrupted. Later I spoke to him behind Christina's back, and then she got up to go somewhere, so Ben and I could talk better. Earlier I had observed Ben - nice plain blue tie still on, behaving himself. That was the type of behaviour I wanted to exhibit. He didn't seem interested in flirting, and knew he was still in a professional environment. He just wanted to talk about work, which was kinda like me. He wasn't even that talkative, and it made me realise how similar we seemed to be.

He seemed to have a gripe with Wendy A, but me, being as diplomatic as I am, didn't say anything bad about her.

Christina later came back, and asked if I was going to karaoke. I said no and she asked why, and I said I wasn't the type. Somehow she also got to asking me if I had a girlfriend, and I said no. I felt stupid for giving such a straight up answer, but I wondered if she was interested.

She and Melissa left for a magistrate's farewell. So Ben and I talked a bit more. Alanna came over with a coke (how thoughtful!) and I introduced her to Ben. She managed to get acquainted with the situation without any awkwardness at all, which I admired.

Ben soon left, which I admired. He attended, socialised, and left. So he wasn't rude by not attending, but he also knew when it was time to quit. Good on him.

I can't remember how, but I ended up standing around a table with Alanna, Louise, Julnar and Dugon. Found out Louise swears a fucking lot. Alanna was talking to Erin and Amy, saying goodbyes to Amy. When she returned her attention to the table, I started telling her I'd sue her for defamation, because Christina had told me she wondered how I got out of level 10, since people only get out if they've been there too long or if they're shit, yet Alanna had told her I was hard working. She said she was trying to talk me up, but I said I wanted people to talk me down, lol.

She also revealed that it was Imad who moved me to level 11, and that he tried hard to move Alanna as well. Apparently Ogre got out because she basically refused to do any work. Wow.

She also told Dugon that she'd be an SLO for sure, which a part of me interpreted as a slight against my chances, but I knew that wasn't her intentions.

She also said that she thought there would be something going on between Karina and I. I said "I knew people would think that" and she started talking about how she and Justin were good friends which may have led people to believe otherwise (good way to take spotlight off my topic).

I went to the bathroom and came back at the foods table and spoke to Dugon. Found out she was actually acting LO2 for a while, which made me even more retrospectively upset, as it was now for sure that most people were getting paid more than me. She asked if I'd be applying for the SLO position, and I could see Gonaz had tuned in. I think I gave a good response when I said "I think everyone should have a go, just to see what the questions are like".

Bravo.

I spoke to Caramelo a bit. He was funny because he kept eating. He said he hadn't had any lunch, lol. Frank was also there, and he once again confirmed his sleaziness. Caramelo was sipping a drink, called "wet pussy". Caramelo never said the name, but when Melissa walked over, Frank asked her to say it, which she did. He expressed pleasure in hearing it, and asked her to repeat it, and then repeat it again. Wow, what a dick.

I saw some flashes where Alanna was and went over to ask if it was photo time. Someone said no, and I said I wanted a photo with Alanna, so she got the girl with the camera to take a photo of us.

I WANT THAT PHOTO!!!

I soon left after that, caught the bus home. I didn't feel like doing anything, since it looked like it was going to rain, and I had eaten too many wedges and had too much coke. But I felt guilty and ended up going for a jog. I did a lap again, which I was pretty proud of. My legs felt a bit tired from the bike at the gym, but I felt I had good rhythm today and even went a bit faster towards the end.

First level 11 meeting

I skipped gym in the morning today because I went back to sleep after waking up. This is probably the first time in a long time that I've missed a weekday morning gym session.

Work was kinda ok, spent most of my dad preparing for my hearing tomorrow, but also finishing off one of my first BAs on this level. There's lesser supervision than with Alanna, and I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. The good thing is that I have to rely more on myself, but the bad thing is there's no one to check if I'm wrong.

I only had $5 left in my wallet, and told myself I just needed to live in poverty until Thursday when I get paid. So I wondered what I could get as lunch for $5, and ended up going to Hungry Jacks for a stunner deal. I felt like having lunch by myself outside anyway.

After lunch, we had a meeting at 2pm. I decided now was the time to try to build some rapport with Steve, so I went to ask him if he was heading up, but he said he had a bit more to do first so I went up by myself. Despite being 1:55pm, I was the first one there and ended up walking around with Jennifer as we looked for the meeting room.

When the meeting started I thought it was a good opportunity to check everyone out in the same room. The vibe of the meeting was so much different. With level 10, everyone sat at tables organised in a rectangle in a large room, with Wendy A at the top, Wendy F to her side, with Wendy A speaking 'down' to us.

Maybe it was because we couldn't get a larger room, but here, we all cuddled up around two tables, with no real organisation as to who sits where, and Michael just cracking jokes as he went along, which made it easy for people to chip in their two cents as the meeting progressed.

I also sometimes stole glances at Christina. I have to admit I saw some potential in her. She came by today to ask me why I wasn't going to the christmas lunch and I said I had a hearing on. She still seems phoney, but I could be wrong and she is just bubbly. In any event, I noticed she had some pretty bad marks on her legs today, and she seems a bit like the bimbo-ish/lazy type. It makes me ashamed to think that I earn less than her.

The meeting also revealed a bit about the dynamics of this group and how each related to the other. Sarah and Gina seem to be the favourites. Melanie seems to be the quiet, jealous sister in the background.

After work, I went home and then jogged to the gym. Halfway there I realised my stuff was falling out of my bag because the zipper had opened. I looked back to see my wallet and gloves lying on the path. I quickly picked them up and was glad I had noticed, otherwise it would've been pretty bad.

Also, while I was at the traffic light before that, some drunk lady came up to me and started telling me how I should run. I thought it was funny how when the lights changed, I deliberately ran like how she told me not to, and I could hear her yelling in the background, lol.

"There's not much to talk about"

If you ever wanted modern proof that I am a fucking idiot, you got it today.

I went to the gym in the morning, I find that it helps a lot more these days because I'm just not looking forward to work like I used to, so it's like it prepares my mind for peace before I drag myself to work.

Shortly after I arrived at work, Mary came and asked me if I wanted to join the team for a coffee. Needless to say, for political reasons, I said yes. I joined Mary and Sarah in the corridor, and then Moira joined us. We stood in the doorway talking for a while. I talked to Moira a bit about our weekend, before we tuned into Sarah's ABBA weekend or something.

Michael joined us as well, and I wondered if this was a regular thing. If it was, they all seemed pretty cool. My level 10 people would never do something like this.

We went to a cafeteria in another building. I thought we would just get take away and slowly walk back to the office, but we merged two tables together and sat down. I sat in between Jennifer and Sarah, which was probably the best I was going to get. I was mainly quiet throughout the whole thing, which stood out like a sore thumb.

At one stage, I think it was Michael, asked me if I had anything to say. I scratched my head and said "there's really not much to talk about".

YOU SAID WHAT?????????

Fark me dead!!!

The Wikileaks, Poor Dad Rich Dad, car hitting and killing eight people - and you had nothing to talk about??!?!??!!?

I sat there as they awkwardly laughed it off. To make things worse, CN and SM arrived, and I awkwardly greeted them, not knowing whether I should introduce them to my colleagues or not. I didn't.

So for a while I sat there, feeling like I was in the middle of no man's land, before Sarah suggested we go because she had to meet Deone for coffee.

Thank god.

We paid (individually thank god) and walked back to the office. I could so see myself as Scope right then. You can tell he's shy, not the rude quiet, and lacked social skills. I just wondered why now?

I sat at my desk, cringing for the next 20 minutes about what had happened. I could barely focus on my work.

I felt like telling someone about it, but who? In the end, I sent a cryptic message to Bush.

I emailed Alanna asking her why she'd come back from court without Junar, as well as tagging on a more work related question. She replied saying she was just about to email me to say how weird it felt not to have me to talk to about court. I guess she misses me :)

I went down to see her, and we talked a bit before I said I was going to see Wendy F. She was busy with Amy, so I returned to my room.

I didn't go out during lunch today, instead opting to stay in and eat my take away box which dad had brought home.

At the end of the day (or night) I went down to see Wendy F about my hearing on Wednesday which is my fuck up. Wonder if it was deliberate that she and Wendy A didn't reply to my emails about it.

No matter what, I had such a strong feeling about missing level 10.

After that I went home, then took the car to the gym. I was actually pretty eager to get home because I'm getting paid on Thursday and I can't decide whether to buy silver or shares in TEN. I'm leaning towards silver because it's sky rocketing up now, whereas TEN is approaching ex-dividend date, which might explain why the price is rising, but hopefully after that it will go back down and I can get it then. Hmmm...this is beginning to feel like an addiction.