Victoria's learning starts now...

Yesterday I was umm-ing and ahh-ing about whether to go to lunch with Victoria or not. I had typed up a message saying yes, deleted it, typed up a message saying no, deleted it, and then finally sent a message saying I'd go.

She sounded excited, but told me Michael and Albert had cancelled, so it'd be only Jay there. In hindsight I wonder if they pulled out because they found out I'd be there.

Anyway, as I left to meet them I returned John's call, who irritatingly kept repeating "fuck me dead" in reference to me passing the bar. I got so sidetracked that I walked past the meeting place and ended up in the wrong direction, so was like five minutes late.

I saw Victoria and Jay looking around and then walking away, before I caught up to them and pretended to be a weirdo asking for legal advice. They greeted me and Jay shook my hand and congratulated me, while Victoria's first reaction was to my beard. She kept gesturing my moustache and finally asked, and I just said I had been busy. Then we talked about where to go to eat. They couldn't decide so I chose the ramen place in the shopping centre, before I realised that that was where I saw the really extremely cute Japanese chick before. Should I really go there with Victoria?

As we walked into the shopping centre, Victoria mentioned that her tutor does family law and that she was interested in it. I shook my head and she said it was a booming area. I asked "because so many people are getting divorced?" and she said yes. I half quipped "making money out of people's misfortunes" and she said "how can you say that?"

I don't know, but to me, I think that's the truth of it. Lawyers make money out of other people's misfortunes - people being arrested for doing the wrong thing, people getting divorced, people going bankrupt etc. If everyone was law abiding there'd be no need for lawyers. In hindsight I knew I should've put my "sugar coating" brain on, but to me, that was the reality of our profession.

We had to line up for a bit because it was busy but we chatted as we stood in the queue. We spent most of the meal talking about the practicalities of setting up a practice. I sat in the middle of them, and sometimes as I would listen to Jay talk, I found myself staring ahead and watching the waiters and waitresses work. Don't get me wrong, I was listening and paying attention, but I also thought about how attractive one of the waitresses were. I think Victoria picked up on my apparent distraction, though not sure if she could tell it was due to checking out the waitresses, as she slapped me gently on the thigh to bring me back to the conversation (even though I was already listening).

I really need to learn from that. I can't let something like that ruin what might be.

I gave her a bit of my food at first and she gave me some avocado in return. She also gave Jay some avocado. Later she gave me a lot of her food but didn't give any to him.

Overall it was good to catch up/celebrate in a group. I think Jay can be a useful contact for me in the future. After we left we walked back to around my office. As we parted, I shook Jay's hand and I held out my hand for a high five from Victoria. She slapped it but I held it out and she gave me repeated mini-slaps, and I noticed Jay look at our hands. I think it was obvious there was something going on between us.

After work I caught the train out to basketball. We played Outsiders and had to start with four, mainly because Derek was late. We actually had five, but no one to do duty, and the fucknut from the other team refused to help us out.

We were down by like 26 points at halftime but caught up a bit in the second half and were down by 16 at one stage, but could do no better than that. I scored six points, but my most memorable moment was on a fastbreak, someone threw the ball up to me, and I looked up and saw their centre across the court lining me up. In a split second I decided to go hard and challenge him as we both sprinted towards the ring. I felt him slow down, giving me a clear path to the hoop - so I won right? Nope. Although it was a clear lay-up, I missed it. But I was just glad I challenged him.

Other than that, I played pretty poorly, committing like five turnovers Alex-style, where I'd throw incredibly shit passes.

What made us all mad was their trash talking. They kept shouting "shoot it" and "in your face" every time they shot, which didn't even really make sense. They've gotten themselves on my radar now. I saw in Mark's car as we went to eat, and I told him to use it as motivation and he agreed.

It was good to eat together, and I found myself looking forward to treating myself to a big meal. It was yum :)

Today
I met up with Karen for lunch today. I almost forgot how to interact with her, but I found that we got comfortable as soon as she joked, when I said "guess I should call you counsel" and she said "oh definitely" lol.






We went to a cafe and had some sandwiches. She gave me sooooooo many tips for going to the bar:
- the program they use is called Silk, which crashes on Macs a lot
- there will be one day during the course where you get to spend it with a judge
- get the gowns, wigs etc from Ludlows
- get the Santa bag
- look for a tutor who is busy and unorganised - they are more likely to give you work
- get two tutors
- you will get work within the first six months, but you probably won't get paid within the first six months
- take a holiday before starting the course
- there are a lot of shit advocates in the course

The more we talked, the more I was convinced that I needed to shout her lunch, because her advice was totally worth it. It also crossed my mind that she might be interested in me, and I wondered how we'd fare as a pair, but I don't think there is much attraction from my part.

Towards the end DC came in and tapped me on the shoulder. He came over and started talking to us, telling us about his trial. He mentioned that the person his chambers ended up hiring left before starting, and chuckled. He said he'd ask again for me.

I did end up shouting lunch, and walked away with DC until he saw someone else and went to talk to them. I think it was a judge.

I parted with Karen and we agreed to do lunch again.

I stayed in the office till 7:30pm which is pretty late for this place. At 7:21pm Victoria texted me saying "hope you do the bar practice course with us this term.."

I wasn't sure what to make of that. She knew I had pretty much decided on deferring, so why say that? I sent back a message saying I was still thinking but we could talk about it on Saturday. No reply. I went to the gym even though I was tired, but I thought about all the trash talking last night and it motivated me. I didn't do too much though because I kinda hurt my knee as I ran, which was ACL related.

After gym I called Victoria, and asked her what was up. She said she sent the message because today at her farewell at work, she revealed she had passed the bar exams and was going to the bar, but instead of people congratulating as she expected, she said some didn't seem very happy, kinda jealous in fact. So she said she felt a bit bitter, that she realised there were people like that out there, that it'd be worse at the course, and so she didn't want me to do it by myself.

I told her she wasn't bitter, but she was hurt. She agreed, saying she had trusted these people and didn't know they'd react like that. I said it was good that she learnt of their true colours now rather than later.

I also told her to ignore people like that, and that some people like to make themselves feel better by looking down on others. I told her not to waste energy on people like that.

I said she approached it the right way, and she asked what that was. I said she acknowledged what was happening and knew what was right and wrong, and instead of being like them, she was being herself. I told her it was important to keep her values because that's what makes her, her.

So we had a bit of a meaningful discussion about that, and she said she trusted me but feared that trusting people would end up being wrong.

After that I told her about my lunch with Karen, and why I was at work so late. We agreed to meet on Saturday, and I asked her what she'd do tomorrow, and she said she had to do some errands for her mother in Stratty, as well as getting some cat food, and opening a bank account.

Victoria found chambers

Last night I sent Victoria an email trying to help her find a tutor and chambers.

This afternoon, she sent me a message thanking me, but she had been accepted to chambers today and needs to find one more female tutor. I had decided I'd call her after work, but there was a sudden reaction brewing inside of me. Two reactions mainly. First, I felt jealous, because all of a sudden this was a status change - she was now a barrister and I was a solicitor. Even thought we had both passed the exams at the same time, and even though I have like eight years experience on her. I felt like I had shrunk.

Second, I thought about all the old men that might hit on her. I know she's not the type, but I just hear so much about who slept with who in the legal profession. My logic reassured me, but my insecurities were trying to break free.

Not really sure why I felt this way. I should be happy for her, but all I felt was jealousy.

After work I called her, but it went straight to her voice mail. I called closer to the gym and it rang out. So I then proceeded with the same work out as yesterday. My motivation to do the exhausting exercises was so I could get back to my phone quicker. I would've been really disappointed if by now she hadn't called back.

I had a missed call from her. Phew.

I called her and she picked up. I put on an Italian accent and congratulated her. She told me she had applied a while ago and they got back to her today because the person they originally chose failed their exam. She also said she has one guy tutor and is looking for a female tutor, but the ones at her chamber are too senior or too junior.

I said we should have dinner on Friday to celebrate, and she was like "celebrate again?" but sounded like she'd do it. She told me she was meeting Jay and Michael for lunch tomorrow and asked if I could join. I said I'd confirm with her in the morning after checking my work calendar. Her phone rang and she said it was her Aunty and she said she'd call me back.

After a while on the bus, she called me back and we talked. She said her Aunty called her from the US to congratulate her on passing the exams. I said if we couldn't do lunch tomorrow then I'd see her Friday anyway. She said ok, but said she might have to go look for an apartment because her lease is nearly up. She said she felt unsafe in a house and preferred an apartment. She also said if she couldn't do Friday then we'd do lunch on Saturday, after asking what time my basketball finished on Saturday (she remembered, awwww).

I think I need to make my move next time I see her. It can't drag out like this. We can't be accustomed to being just friends.

Happy then sad day at work

So I had another hearing today. The second in two weeks.

The first witness went ok, mainly because she cooperated and was fairly forthcoming. Kym was pretty happy, and so was I. It made me feel like I did a good job.

I wasn't expecting the first witness to be so cooperative, I had actually prepared on the assumption that she'd deny everything. And so, during the break between the first and second witness, I actually thought the second witness would do the same. Maybe I let my guard down.

The second witness tried to deny everything, was extremely vague, and made no effort at all as he kept repeating "I can't recall". The thing was, we had nothing to counter that. I actually lost my temper a bit and repeated a question three times until it got objected to because I felt he wasn't answering my question.

Afterwards, I felt so shit. I felt like I did a shit job, mainly because I didn't get what I wanted. I went to see Mob, but she was on the phone. I thought I heard her say "the worst..."

Was she saying that was the worst cross-examination she had ever seen?

I went to see her later and asked if she saw it and she said no, however she knew what the guy said was his occupation. Hmmm.

I wanted to talk to Kym about it but he seemed busy. I was wondering if everyone thought I did a shit job but just didn't say anything. I was tired, and I was going crazy. I wanted to talk to someone but didn't have anyone. I thought, if I really did a shit job, I'd like someone to say something to me, so I know I need to improve.

Or was it all my insecurity?

Thing was, before it started, I had actually told people that if the guy denied things, we had nothing to prove otherwise. I spoke to Kym at the end of the day and he didn't seem to have a problem with the way it went, making it sound normal for someone to come in and lie to our faces.

I just felt truly horrible. Or was it a case of where there was nothing I could do about it anyway?

I was so upset, it motivated me to go to the gym after work, where I did the same workout I did on Friday, causing a lot of sweat (unlike my usual laid back sessions).

Victoria's back!

I had lunch with Ele on Thursday. We went to Home Thai where I got there first and ordered. She was a bit late, and turned up by the time the entree arrived. She got me a present - a book which looked half serious half comical. I was glad she remembered.

I told her I passed my bar exam, and she congratulated me. We talked about what was the next step, and then started catching up more. She said the week of my birthday she was really sick, like at work she just started bleeding for no reason at all, so she had to take a few days off. I offered to help pick her up in a taxi if she ever needed it, and she seemed to seriously consider it.

We talked about G proposing with a hand-made ring and box. Ele seemed to think the box was ok, but not the ring. Though she said if he bought the ring then it'd come with a box anyway.

I brought up about how Shuing was always grumpy, especially since I was happy about my results, and she said he considered me a close friend and that was why he was expressing his true feelings with me, whereas he probably has to hide it with people at work. Good point.

After we finished eating, she was still hungry so we ordered dessert. When we finished, she wanted to go buy some take away for dinner that night. My lunch hour was probably already up, and I had a meeting at 2:15pm, but I couldn't just leave a heavily pregnant woman like that, so I accompanied her down the street to the Northern Chinese restaurant.

On the way we bumped into One, which was funny because I had just had lunch with him the day before. I introduced them to each other, and he looked at Ele's tummy. I thought, of god, he probably thinks I'd been hiding a girl from him all this time and had knocked her up lol. It didn't help that I was seemingly helping Ele carry some of her stuff. Too funny.

I stayed back at work because I had a dinner in the city with Matt, Adrian and Beau - the guys from Saturday morning basketball. It was Matt's farewell dinner, and I also had to return the luggage to him. When I got there, I saw them and Adrian's and Beau's girlfriends, as well as Matt's female friend. I wasn't expecting female company so felt a bit awkward at first. But everything turned out well, as we had lots of laughs as we ate at the ramen restaurant in Westfield.

During the night I noticed a really cute and adorable Japanese waitress. What made her even more appealing was that she appeared to be very happy with her job, always walking everywhere with a smile and talking to customers. It made me think that I was attracted to waitresses and teachers because they showed a caring quality.

Afterwards Matt, his friend and I caught a bus to my place, where I then drove them and the luggage to Matt's place. I dropped them off and fare-welled him.

Friday
On Friday morning I decided to call the Bar Ass guy and ask how long I could defer for. I got a rather blunt and unpleasant response in return. He told me that trying to defer it to next August was stretching it and highly unlikely, and that if I really wanted to do that then I'd have to sit the exams again.

Fuck that.

He did say though that it shouldn't be a problem if I just wanted to defer it to next May.

So then that kinda depressed me for the rest of the day, as it now became evident that my time in this job was limited. I wondered if I'd even pay off all my debts by then. I started looking at my office and all the people in it with a hint of sadness, thinking about how I'd miss them all.

I met up with Genie and Maria at lunch for coffee and macaroons and told them. I joked at first by saying I failed, then revealed to them the truth. They congratulated me, and then went on to talk about how shit it was to work where they were at the moment. Maria sounded really serious about changing jobs, and even Genie who recently got a permanent job there said she wanted to leave. Glad I got out of there early.

Afterwards we went for a walk in the park, which ended with me telling them some funny things making them both laugh. It made me realise why people think I'm happy all the time. If only they knew the depression I go through mentally when I'm by myself.

After work I met up with Jim for gym and dinner. This time I worked out a lot at the gym, building up a huge sweat. We went to the same Japanese restaurant for dinner. I noticed this time that the waitress I found hot was a bit older like Jim had said.

We talked about the NBA, my bar exam result and the consequent conundrum, our uni days, and his plan to travel to the US next May. I initially thought we wouldn't have much to talk about since we had just met last Friday, but I found that like A, we always had something to talk about. He drove me home again but this time we didn't have dessert.

During the night, at the restaurant I noticed Victoria had sent me a message:

"Hi [insert name here], I just arrived in Sydney today. Good news...?"

Interesting.

I had no idea she had returned. I had been checking her Whatsapp online status and it seemed that she and Albert were messaging each other, although I wasn't too worried. I just didn't notice a 10 hour gap where she could've flown back. Oh well.

When I got home at 9pm I tried to call her but her phone was off. Or busy. So I sent a message "asleep already?" but got no reply.

Saturday
I woke up at 7am and saw that Victoria was online at nearly 5am. I called her but her phone was off. I had breakfast, played a bit of video games and went back to sleep. It was raining so no basketball today.

Then I was woken up by my phone ringing. I missed the call, but it was Victoria. I called her back from my bed. She sounded very lively and energetic, which made me happy. I was glad she wasn't sounding ill or anything. After a bit of "how are you?" I asked her for her result. She asked me and I asked her back. She said she got through. I had planned to tell her in person, but told her I passed as well.

I said we should celebrate and asked her when she was free. She said she had time today so I asked if she could do dinner tonight, but she countered with lunch. She asked me to pick her up and I agreed. We arranged to meet at 1pm and so I got out of bed, had a shower and got dressed.

I was about 20 minutes late but she didn't seem to mind. I called when I was outside and she came out wearing a black winter coat and heels. I think it was the first time I had seen her in heels.

I suggested we go to the shopping centre near me and it took her a while to realise which one I was talking about. When she realised, she said she hadn't been there for like two years. On the drive there, we talked about our experiences finding out the results. She said she was at a family dinner at an Italian restaurant celebrating her sister's PhD, and then when she found out she passed, she said her mother cried.

She also told me Albert passed PP but failed Ethics. No wonder the guy didn't message me to ask about me. I felt sorry for the guy, but in a male pride way, I felt that it helped my odds with Victoria. On the way we passed the uni and she pointed it out, as if to say that our exam results started from there.

I think I took the long way to drive to the shopping centre and Victoria seemed a bit tired from the drive. She offered out her hand as I drove and I almost instinctively held it like I would with Jin, but instead I softly slapped it. She held it out so I did it again, then she said "high five". I also noticed she touched my hand a couple of times as well during that drive. She said while she was waiting for me she thought about my situation with my employment and all that.

I showed her the new restaurant section and we picked a burger place where I got a King's Breakfast and she got a salad. We swapped food as usual and talked about going to the bar. She said she wasn't really organised for going right now, but would try to. If she couldn't, then she would do the next course in May. I suggested ways in which she could find tutors and chambers, and suggested Troy as a tutor as well. The only slightly annoying thing I found was that she asked if I could contact Troy for her. Hmmm.

I told her I was worried about her because she told me she went for a check up and then told me she needed to have surgery.

We talked about my situation, and she gave me the same line that Bush gave me, being that it was my dream to go to the bar so I should do it. However, she did suggest that I try to do the course while on leave, instead of quitting my job first. I had thought about it, but just wasn't sure if it was allowed.

We talked about her time in Korea. She said she only found out she needed surgery when she got back, and that she was in hospital for 10 days. She said she was supposed to come back on the 15th. She also said she didn't want me to pick her up because it was a weekday and she didn't want to burden me.

I told her about the hearing I had on Monday and the one coming up. She said she let her know how it goes. I told her I had tried to look up her condition and found that Greek food was good, so I said I wanted to take her to a Greek restaurant in the city and she said yes.

I told her about G and him making a ring and box. She said if the girl really liked him then it shouldn't matter. I asked her if she'd be ok with getting a burger ring and she said yes if she really liked the guy. Then she said she would even go for an onion ring and winked at me. SHE WINKED AT ME AS SHE SAID THAT!

I asked her what initials she was proposing to have on her bag, and she said VC. I said "Vince Carter" and she told me her Korean name and suggested it could be VYC. I said that was better and she said she might go with VC. I then said "victim's compensation" and she said VYC it was lol.

I noticed that after we finished eating and we went to pay, that she didn't make an offer to pay. I wasn't offended, but I did wonder if it was her way of treating me as a 'boyfriend'. As we left the restaurant area, she asked if I wanted a coffee and that she'd pay for it. I said ok but I just thought she might be tired. She asked if she looked tired, and I said no and playfully went to the other extreme, saying she was energetic and looked like the energizer bunny, but she playfully asked me to stop lol.

At the chocolate cafe we had coffee and some "chocaroons". She drinks decaf. We had some really deep conversations here. I told her how I had thought about what she had been through, and that it inspired me to be grateful for things, and that I thought she was a really strong person.

She told me that she needed someone she could really trust as a tutor, and that's why when I mentioned Troy was a "family man" that it really appealed to her. She said she trusted me as a friend and felt like she could talk to me about ethical issues which may arise from work.

We talked about chasing money and careers, and both seemed to think that earning enough should make us content. We also talked about dressing modestly and not needing the luxurious things in life.

I showed her photos of the shoes I had recently bought, and she showed me photos of her family, including her parents, sister and brother. Her older sister looks a lot like her, like an older version of her, if that makes sense. She also showed me photos of her admission, with the Registrar and her colleagues.

We were there for a long time and then finally left. We went to the bathroom and then back to my car. She said it was good timing as she was starting to feel tired. She said that was the reason she didn't want to do dinner because she knew she'd get tired.

So I dropped her back home, and we congratulated each other again. She waved at me after she closed the door and I watched her go in before driving off.

I passed the bar!!!

Wednesday was a good day.

Early in the morning at work, I got a call from my dad saying that my shoes had been delivered. They were the Jordan Future in Jade colour, which are totally awesome. I was busy at work, which kept my occupied.

When I finished work, I eagerly went home to check out my shoes. I am so in love with them!

However, there was also the prospect of bad news - my bar exam results were coming out. I was too scared to check my email. I was fearing that I'd have to tell everyone that I failed again. What would I do then? Was there a problem with me? Why couldn't I pass this damn exam?

Albert had said the results were coming out at 6pm. I kept refreshing my email account at 6pm and nothing. I did it in the office, on the bus, and at home. Finally, I decided that they'd probably release it the next day, being the official day. So I got ready for basketball, but first I had to take a dump.

So I'm sitting in the toilet, and I decide to check my email again.

1 new email.

Gulp.

I took the plunge and checked it. Downloaded the pdf letter. I immediately saw four letters. My mind saw it as 'fail'.

I enlarged the letter. I looked carefully.

'PASS'

You're...kidding.

I checked again.

'PASS'

Oh. My. God.

I PASSED THE BAR EXAM!!!

I was so excited. When I came out of the toilet I told my parents. Not only was I excited, but I was relieved. It was so much pressure and stigma off my shoulders.

I happily drove out to Fairfield where I met a guy to buy from him an empty PS4 box for Malay's birthday prank. Then I went to bball where I was a bit late. We won the game, which made my day even better.

I felt really content that day. Just really happy. I had my shoes, my results, and won my basketball game.

What more could I want in life?

Am I back to my old ways?

Yesterday I had my hearing. I was so nervous, so anxious. But I think things turned out well. I think I came off as nervous in the morning, but warmed up after the first witness, which was bad news for the second witness.

After that I was so tired I just sat around doing nothing.

At 5ish I left the office, checked out David Jones, thought about buying a $50 tie but decided the tie I was wearing was perfectly ok and left. Then I went for the appointment with my psychologist.

I waited a while before he came out to see me. I was a bit shocked because he had grown a full beard. At first I wasn't sure if it was a fashion statement or if he was just too busy, but then I noticed he had his hair combed over so I figured it was a fashion thing.

I really didn't know how or what I was going to say. I told him lately I had been feeling sad and emotional, and how I didn't feel the motivation to do anything. I told him about how a few weeks ago my manager was speaking to me and I felt like bursting into tears. Then I told him about being knocked down in basketball last Wednesday and also feeling like crying.

I told him about how I felt tired of paying back the loan, and how I was paying back $1,600 a fortnight instead of the minimum repayments of $340 a fortnight. He made an "whoa" sound and I added that on top of that I pay $10 a day. 

He said I had gone through a lot with Jin and that, and again told me about the different parts of the brain which controlled things logically and emotionally. I also told him about how I played video games every night and he was very much against it. He said this was the cause of me not being able to focus, and explained that video games was very bad at distracting people. He told me about two types of focusing.

He also told me about how I should set my alarm to 7:15am instead of 6am, and then each day to wind it back by five minutes, so that will help adjust me body to waking up at 6am eventually.

In the second half of the session I told him about Victoria. I thought he'd warn me given what had happened with Jin, but he looked like he sympathised with me. He said I must've been going through a lot mentally with this. I talked about whether it would be cold to discontinue things with Victoria just so I could avoid the emotional trauma down the track. He said he didn't have an answer for me. I told him I didn't think I could handle another hit in my life. He said the hits will keep coming because that's what life is, and that if they don't come then it means I'm not living life.

For some odd reason I felt like bursting into tears right there and then. My eyes watered and I think he could see that, as he went silent. That just made me really sad to know. I've spent a lot of energy paying back my gambling debts, and now this Jin debt. I can't imagine doing all this again.

At the end he suggested he could help me if I came more regularly. I felt like he was trying to make money off me, and I didn't like that. Maybe I'm wrong. But I just didn't feel like committing. He didn't pressure me though.

Today I woke up with a headache, even though I got lots of sleep. I felt like maybe it was from exhaustion of doing my hearing yesterday.

I got shit all done today mainly because of that. What's worse is I finally gave into the gambling bug. After work I went to withdraw $800 from my credit card. I actually wanted $1000 but it wouldn't let me. I went to the casino and found a table. I didn't recognise any of the dealers, or any of the players, but everything else looked the same. I thought about the saying, how the more things change, the more they stay the same.

I saw a young man in a suit jumping from table to table, and saw myself in his shoes. I wanted to tell him no, to stay away. But I guess this is just a cycle for all of us.

I got extremely lucky and won like my first five bets in various ways. I was up $400. Later on there was a change of dealer, an older Asian lady I had seen before. I nearly lost all my money here, where I placed $400 worth of my last chips on a spin...and won. So I stayed on.

There was an old man standing near me watching the table play. I thought he looked a lot like my father. In fact, I kept thinking he was my dad. I pictured my dad standing there, which was a huge force in getting me to leave. But I stayed on despite the enormous guilt.

I then thought about how my bar exam results would be released tomorrow. I knew I couldn't lose now. I'd really feel like shit if I lost $800 and I failed my exam.

Later I was up $550 and considered leaving. But I stayed on. I was soon down to $400 but somehow managed to claw my way back. I made my way through two more dealers and found myself up $960. I bet one more time and lost. Then bet once more and won.

I decided that was enough, and cashed out with a $960 profit.

I decided to go for a punt, and messaged the Wechat lady. As if I hadn't done my conscience enough harm, I went with a Korean girl with the name Victoria. I shall call her Viktoria here to separate the two.

When she opened the door, I thought she looked a lot like Suri. She was quite cheerful. I paid her and undressed, then went into the shower. As I was showering, I was wondering, is that Suri? Is this where she works? If that's Suri, is she looking through my wallet right now to get revenge on me? Nah, it can't be Suri, if it was, you would've picked up a reaction when she opened the door and saw you.

I finished the shower and went into the room. I said a few Korean words which went down well with her, not that I needed to given how good her English was. When she got on top of me, I thought she was Suri.

My god, Suri is sucking my dick. I'm with Ash's girlfriend!

 When I got on top, I noticed her necklace had the word 'Victoria' on it. Great.

After we finished, we talked. I decided to see if she was Suri. I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no. She showed me photos of her puppies in Korea. While she flicked through her photos, there were some of her and a guy, and she said it was her ex-boyfriend.

I said she had a nice Kakaotalk background and said mine was boring. She asked me to show her, so I grabbed my phone and she helped me change it. I told her about my trip to Korea and showed her photos. She flicked through them and we talked for the rest of the session. I came to the conclusion that she wasn't Suri. She said she was 28, but I suspected she was probably older, though still younger than Suri.

We actually got along really well, though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe she was like this with every customer. Also, I was hesitant to start anything given the real Victoria would be back soon.

We talked so much. Turns out she's half Japanese as her grandfather is Japanese. She said she stayed in Japan until she was seven, and can speak Japanese. I teased her about being smart in that she could speak three languages and she laughed modestly.

Her boss called her, and I thought she was in trouble. She said it was because she didn't tell her boss things had started. Her boss called again later, and it sounded like there was another customer waiting. I apologised and said I didn't want to get her into trouble, and she said not to apologise. As I was dressing, she asked to exchange numbers. She got my phone and called her phone from it. I heard her let another guy in and then she came back to show me out.

I figured maybe she was a good back up in case things don't work out with Victoria, but Victoria will always be my first preference.

Talk with Jim about retirement, girls

On Friday after work I met up with Jim to go to the gym. It felt good to catch up as we were both on the bike and talked about the NBA. He also let it slip out that he was a virgin, as he talked about his swimming lessons and how he was afraid of dying without having been with a girl. It made me realise that I'd be a virgin too had I not been to all these brothels. We saw Lemon there as well and a guy I know from Saturday morning basketball.

At the end of our gym session I was half determined to have a go at the monkey bars. I failed miserably on the first attempt, being unable to even reach the second bar. We took a walk around and then I wanted another go. Jim suggested jumping from a bit of distance behind the first bar, which surprisingly made an enormous difference. It gave me the momentum I needed to swing and I almost made it to the end. I decided I'll have another go at another time.

After that we went to a Japanese restaurant to eat, the same one I showed him a while ago near Circular Quay. I remembered there was a hot waitress there, but I couldn't remember what she looked like. But when I saw her there I recognised her.

Finally I decided to bring up with Jim one of the reasons I wanted to meet with him. I asked him if he had the same problem as I did, as I felt that I didn't have enough energy and motivation for basketball, work and life in general. I gave him the example of what had happened on Wednesday night at basketball, how when I got knocked down, a guy pretended to throw the ball to the referee but it was actually directed at me. For just a fraction of a second, I felt that familiar fire burning inside me, and because of that, I instantly got up. Trouble was, I stumbled my way up like an old man, and instantly I lost that fire. A time out was called and I found myself wiping away a few tears. Why had I become some emotional?

He told me that maybe I had matured, and there was no point in doing something stupid like starting a fight. Maybe he was right.

We also talked about retiring from basketball. I said I didn't know when that would be for me, but I said I thought he picked a good time. He relayed to me the story of Joe Dumars, who one day was holding a basketball at practice and suddenly didn't want to shoot it. He said Dumars knew at that point in time that that was when he should retire.

Jim also said he just didn't feel the urge to play competition anymore, but sometimes he did go shoot around by himself. He added that in our last season, he found that he couldn't really jump anymore, which supported his decision to retire.

I said I just wished I had the same amount of energy as I did in my 20's, but he said it was normal for that to change.

After dinner I suggested getting a coffee so we ended up at the Lindt cafe in Darling Harbour. On the way there I asked him about the cancer hypothetical - I didn't mention Victoria, but I asked him if One knew of Becky's brain tumour on their second date, whether One would be justified in not seeing her anymore. Jim seemed to express some anger, as he said that women judge men all the time, so it wasn't unreasonable for a man to judge a woman based on that. He used an example of him being too ugly and skinny and said girls judged him by that. I was kinda shocked.

I countered by saying cancer wasn't really the fault of the person but it didn't change his view. If he was going to take the view of leaving the girl, I wished he would've said it was to avoid the emotional trauma later down the track.

When we got to the cafe, we talked about girls some more. I told him about Victoria and showed him a photo. He said she looked cute and friendly and encouraged me to go for her. I told him about our dinner and how in hindsight I think she was trying to make me jealous when she told me she was meeting a guy for brunch who had liked her for the past five years. He told me to ask her about it next time, when I said I wouldn't bring it up as I didn't want to show her that it affected me.

He also told me about a girl he had been chasing. He said he had tried very hard to get her to come out, and after a while she finally came out. But after that she didn't want to come out anymore and he didn't know what to do. I suggested to him to go after other girls and then three months later he could text her to see what's up.

Jim drove me home, which was the reason I paid for the hot chocolates and cake we had. I always feel bad when he drives me home and I realise we had split everything else equally.

Scumbag me

Today I was ok productive at work. I was preparaing for my hearing on Monday. Whilst I initially thought I wouldn't have enough time, given the progress I made today I think I might actually be ok.

I had lunch with Moira today. A while ago I asked her for the name of a restaurant we went to as a team, so I could take Victoria to it. I figured it'd be rude just to ask her for help and then not suggest a catch up, so I 'volunteered' a catch up, hence today.

The good thing about Moira is that you don't have to worry about awkward silences. She just keeps on talking and talking, which, for catch up occasions like this, it's not so bad. We talked about her work, my work, our old work and my bar exams. At the end, I asked her if she ever felt tired, having worked the same eight years as me out of university. Don't think she caught onto exactly what I meant, as she started talking about our profession expecting us to progress and progress.

After lunch I went back to the office to work. I had met Moira at the 'other' end of the city, which reminded me of some of my times with Jin. Towards the end of the day, I felt restless. I went to drop off some shirts for dry cleaning, then came back thinking about either gambling or punting.

The gambling urge had been creeping up on me over the last few weeks, but I told myself to resist. I think I have abstained for about five months, and I didn't want to break that streak. I also booked in to see my psychologist today for Monday because I was feeling extremely down, and so I didn't want to have to report to him that I had gambled recently.

So then I decided to go punting, messaged that agency on wechat, and after a bit of haggling, managed to see a girl called Lily whose picture I found ok, as opposed to them pushing for me to see another girl I wasn't too keen on.

I was glad I didn't go gambling because Victoria told me to make the best out of everyday, and gambling wasn't the way to do it. But at the same time, here I was going for a punt while she was in Korea having surgery for cancer. Scumbag me.

I went to the apartment, and Lily opened the door. There were others in the apartment but I didn't see them. Lily was a short Chinese girl who didn't speak much. She said she was sick, and I believe her, but not sure if she was shy as well. I had a shower and then came back to the bedroom. I swear, I don't know how they make bras now, but when she was wearing a bra she looked like she had some boobs, but after taking it off, dare I say my chest may have been bigger than hers.

It reminded me of Victoria. I think their bodies would've been similar. In fact, throughout the whole thing I was thinking about Victoria. Even though Lily seemed to be very much into it (she didn't need lube), I was still thinking about Victoria.

After the session, we just laid there half asleep. I was hoping I didn't catch her flu or anything.

When I got home, I went to the petrol station to get a donut, then I went to my garage to check on my old phone. I had a bit of a scare last night as I discovered the box wasn't there anymore, but apparently my dad had just moved it. So that momentary fear made me think that I may never have a chance to contact Jin again, which made me want to contact her again.

I checked my phone, and still no messages from her. I wondered if she had blocked me. So I tested it by sending her messages:

"do you want it or not?'

"you have 7 days to decide"

"or I give the money to someone else"

She read them moments later.

Why did I do that. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.

Scumbag me.

"What do you really want?"

I haven't posted much, mainly because I have mentally been pre-occupied with thinking about Victoria. But before I get onto that, here's a quick summary of what has happened (that I can remember):

• Had lunch with Genie on Friday, talked about her work mainly and her 'uncoupling' with Melissa. For the whole lunch I thought about telling her about Victoria, or at least asking "would you date someone with cancer..." but each time I told myself that Genie could meet Victoria one day, and I didn't want to invade her privacy like that.
• Friday after work, had dinner with Malay and Shuing. Before picking them up, I drove by Victoria's house just to make sure everything was safe. I think it's because I've been in crime so long, I constantly expect it to happen. I half expected her lights to be on. I got out of the car and closed the gate, and left.
• Dinner with Malay and Shuing was ok, talked about Bob's wedding the previous Sunday. I'm actually happy for the guy, despite our falling out. But more importantly, it has made me reflect on what I'm doing with my life. At 32, I'm still living at home, and with $30,000 in debt. Great.
• On Wednesday basketball, we played against Flashbang and won. Mike didn't play as he was sick but he was there watching. I wanted to win just so he didn't think we couldn't win without him. I scored seven points, and the game before that I scored five, so it seems like I am warming up a bit, doubting my own 'too old' belief. One of my proudest plays was running down court for Jun to throw it to me, with a big guy chasing me and making the lay up.
• Windows 7 recently got a virus, so I had to go buy Windows 8. Running it now. It's weird.

Now, back to Victoria. I've been, for the most part, confused.I still have Margy's words echoing in my head, "what do you really want?" That has not only played its part in stopping me from gambling, but also given me some sort of vague life direction.

Ideally, I would want my own two bedroom apartment in my suburb, my current job, an Audi, and a girlfriend. So I should make efforts to seek those out, right? But what if the girl you come across doesn't fit into that picture? Do you discard her? Because she has cancer? Did I want a girl with cancer? No one wants a girl with cancer. No one pictures life like that.

Ever since she told me, I have had a really heavy feeling on my mind, and that feeling of crying is ready to burst behind my eyes. But for some unknown reason, instead of 'discarding' the idea of being with her, I have started to miss her. I have started to want her more. Is it because she is away?

She did end up messaging me on Monday 7 July:

"Hi [insert name here] I arrived in Seoul safely last night. I probably can't go back to Sydney next week because I am having some operation this Thursday. Take care and I'll message you when I get back."

Kakaotalk had some problems so I wasn't sure if my messages in reply went through. I said I'd pray for her, and the day before her surgery, it still hadn't been read so I sent it via Whatsapp. She read it but no reply. Since then, have not heard from her or seen her online in Whatsapp.

Now I'm left wondering...did she die? Will I ever know? What do I do now? She didn't even tell me she was going to have surgery, she told me she was going back for a check up. Now everything is more serious, and I feel like I miss her even more. Because I think, were those the last words she would ever say to me?

How long do I wait? How long till I get over her?

If I end up with her, is it fair that this will eventually cause me substantial emotional pain? Is it fair that I spend my life with that inevitable end to the story? Do I cancel now to avoid hurting myself, and in the process, hurt her? What is right? What is wrong?

Has she left me like this?

I keep thinking about her words, "make the most of your life", and I have tried to live up to them, by going to the gym Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I went for a jog this morning after washing the car. I have tried my best to stay away from gambling, and from punting.

All I can think of is her.

She has cancer

As the day flowed along yesterday, I didn't get a message from her, and thought "maybe this will go ahead after all". I had booked a Japanese restaurant nearby, and figured I'd walk by her office a bit late, make her wait a bit.

Then at about 5pm I get a message from her.

Her @ 16:56 - Hi [insert name here], can we meet in Bondi Junction?

Me @ 16:56 - You're not at work today?

Her @ 16:57 - No I'm not working today

Hmmm...maybe I can pick her up then and then we can go to whatever in Bondi?

Me @ 17:00 - Alrighty, can I show off my driving skills and pick you up? :)

Her @ 17:01 - Actually I was hoping to have dinner here? I had a car accident few days and I'm not feeling too well.

God, you make the most inappropriate jokes. Seriously, what were the odds that you'd make a driving joke and she'd just recently had a car accident?

And what does she meant by "have dinner here"? At her place?? Nah, that can't be it. That'd be moving WAY too fast.

And is she trying to bail again when she says she's not feeling too well? Does she want me to offer to cancel it?

I decided to do the 'caring' role and rush to her place without further ado. The only 'further ado' I did was go buy a bus ticket and a pack of mentos because I feared I might have bad breath. So I didn't even reply and got on the bus after visiting the supermarket. Luckily there was not too much traffic, although I mentally deemed everyone an idiot who stopped the bus to get off.

At 17:50 she called me but I didn't answer. I got home, went straight to my garage and drove off to her place. I called her at 18:06 outside her place wanting to surprise her. But when she asked me where I was and where I wanted to meet, I chickened out and suggested to meet at the shopping centre across the road. Then she goes "I can hear your voice outside".

Oops. Busted.

So she came out soon after that. She gave me a bottle of champagne and I put it in my car. I half joked that I was expecting a birthday kiss. She didn't say anything.

We started walking off slowly and she started explaining why she didn't come to my birthday. She said it must've been something she ate in the morning, because after she went to her friend's birthday, she felt stomach pains and went home. She thought about coming to my birthday to drop the present off but she was in too much pain. I teased her a bit about me now expecting her to bail now every time and she said she didn't want me to think like that.

She told me about her car accident. She said she was alright but a bit shaken up. She said she was near Moore Park on a week day and a car rammed up behind her. I asked what she was doing driving on a week day and she said her mother had asked her to get something from Australia. She showed me photos of her rear bumper completely smashed. She said she told her mother but not the full extent.

She asked me what I wanted to eat. I told her I had actually booked a restaurant in the city, and she asked me which one, and I told her Yayoi. She said she was about to come out but at the last minute she wasn't feeling well so she wanted me to come to Bondi instead.

She suggested Mexican at first, and I said I didn't want that to upset her stomach. Then she suggested Japanese because there was a good sushi train, so we started walking there but then she said it wasn't really premium or anything. I suggested we go into the shopping centre to check out the restaurants there, and we agreed to do dinner in the Chinese restaurant there.

She asked me how I went in the PP exam and I told her about that stupid question on waiving the service of a statement of claim. She asked me to repeat the question and I could tell she was trying to listen intently to try to help me. When we got to the restaurant she said it seemed a bit empty, and I joked she should've said she had it all booked out for me, and she joked along saying yes, that was the plan.

We were shown a table near the window and she commented on the view, so I offered to sit with my back to the window so she could have the view. When we sat down I asked her how she went in the Ethics exam, and she said she thought she may have made a few mistakes. She said there were some questions repeated from past papers, and how she struggled on one question asking about how evidence from an additional sexual assault charge could be adduced on top of other sexual assault charges. I said it seemed like an Evidence question to me.

We decided on the banquet, and I was going to go with the most expensive one, which was like $50 per person or something, but she said it was too much food, so we went with the $35 one. When the chicken and corn soup came, I told her it was my favourite, and halfway through, she told me something really personal.

She started by telling me she really didn't sleep well before the exams, as she kept having nightmares about a "doomsday" she had experienced before. She later told me that about five years ago, she was diagnosed with cancer in her stomach area, and that the doctor said she had 30% survival and only a few months to live. She said they decided to have the surgery anyway, but is now constantly required to return to Korea for a check up. She said that is the cause of her stomach pain at times.

I was shocked. I didn't know what to say. I told her that I had tried to guess what her personal issue was ever since she told me that in her car when she was driving me home. I said it couldn't have been money or relationship issues, because you don't seek out religion for that. I said I narrowed it down to health, but I didn't think it was her.

I felt sad immediately, but she said she didn't want to make me depressed. She said she doesn't tell people because she sees it as a weakness and she didn't want people to use it against her. She said only a few people know about it, and I am the only person from the bar exams who knows about it because she trusts me.

She said this is the reason why she thinks life is short and that you should try to enjoy it as much as you can.

Maybe, again, I didn't know what to say so I told her how I had thought about these things before, especially how I might get skin cancer since I spend a lot of time out in the sun, and how a mole on the back of my neck has stopped growing hair, but I figured that when I look at other disadvantaged people, I have had a pretty good life and I can't complain. She seemed to agree with me but I was unsure as to how appropriate it was for me to say that.

She said she wanted to travel but other than Korea, US and Australia (where she has lived), she hasn't really travelled much, and added that she has never even been to Melbourne and Brisbane. I told her the important thing was to be happy, and suggested we could travel together at the end of the year. I told her about my initial plans to walk the Great Wall of China were shot down once I discovered that it would take eight months.

She said she wanted to go to Spain, and I said we could go there. She said it wasn't that easy, and I joked I could book on expedia when I get home. She said she would have a hard time explaining to her parents about travelling with a guy.

I asked if she was a good travel companion and she said she didn't know because she has never travelled before. This led me to tell her a bit about the whole Nunjo and Vanuatu story. I only told her about the swearing at the casino and how it got awkward at work after that, but I said it worked out well because I got a job I liked with a pay rise. She said she believes in karma.

There was plenty of food, and while I would periodically give her some food, I noticed she didn't really reciprocate as usual. The only time was when she offered to give me more rice, and she also kept giving me more tea.

She noted how she had never been to this restaurant before for dinner, but had been here for yum cha with her friends during day time.

She told me that the day before, she had met up with a 40 year old friend of hers, who had travelled the world recently, and told her about how she was living by herself and needed someone to take care of her. She said she did feel lonely given her brother is away, and that she agreed with this friend, who suggested she needed a boyfriend. So, she told me she is meeting with a guy the next day for brunch, who she has known for five years, and he has told her he has feelings for her. She did say it would be weird, given how they have been friends for so long, and wondered how it could 'switch' just like that.

I got sad immediately, wondering if she had only seen me as just a friend all this time. I dipped my head down looking at my food and went silent, before thinking I shouldn't make this awkward and told myself to battle on. A small part of me also wondered if she was trying to make me jealous.

She then asked me what I was looking for, whether it was a serious long term relationship. I joked that I see a different girl each night, and added that tonight it was her, tomorrow it was someone else, the next night it was someone else etc. She asked me to be serious in a playfully annoyed tone, and asked me what I liked in a girl and I said "big........eyes". She asked me what else and I said talkative, but doesn't nag. She seemed to enjoy hearing what I was saying, and I was wondering if she was trying to set me up with someone, or if she was asking for herself.

We had a lot of food left over, and she said "see? Told you you wouldn't have room for dessert" and I said I still wanted to go to Messina but she didn't seem too keen on it.

She also said she wanted to get the new iphone 6 when it comes out, because her current one has a really poor battery life. I said speaking of batteries, if she was interested in the share market, that the thing that's popular now is graphite mining companies because graphite is used in cell phone batteries and batteries for electric cars. I told her about how one stock I had bought at 60c was now 90c, and she asked me how much I bought and I said $2000.

After we were done eating, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back she said Albert had called and her friend had messaged her. I told her to call him back but she didn't. I think he is pursuing her, but I'm pretty sure she isn't interested.

I asked for the bill, and when it came, I tried to get to it quickly in fear of her wanting to fight for it. But to my surprise, she made no effort or mention of it at all and quietly acquiesced as I paid for it. Hmmm?

We walked slowly through the empty shopping centre as she talked about the origin of Max Brenna and googled it to find out the answer. We stood there for a bit looking at her phone (it was Israel). I noticed she was wearing a coat too, so there goes my plan of giving her my coat in case it was cold.

She did offer to buy me chocolate at Max Brenna but I politely declined. I joked I would walk her home as my car was parked in front of her house anyway, but not sure if she got the joke as she just nodded and said ok.

When we were at the traffic lights, we saw some cops talking to a civilian about being on bail. We had spoken earlier about this type of stuff and I said it wasn't random as the police targeted people they already had information about. She joked that this wasn't random. While waiting at the lights, she said she didn't know that I didn't drink, and said I could have the champagne with my friends. I half joked again that a birthday kiss would've been better, and I again noted her silence.

We stopped near her house and talked for a bit. She thanked me for dinner, and I thanked her for coming out and sharing with me her personal issues. Maybe it was just me, but I thought I saw her glancing at my mouth as I was talking. I read somewhere that girls look at the mouth if they are thinking about a kiss. I was thinking but maybe I didn't see an opportunity, or I was too scared, so I didn't do it. We somehow got talking about abs and she was saying how it was easy to get them but hard to maintain. I gently poked her in the tummy and asked "how do you know, do you have abs?" She didn't nudge or flinch and stood there as I poked her two or three times.

We said goodbye and she walked into her house.

I drove home, feeling incredibly sad about what she had told me. I felt confused, and the only thing I wanted to do was go to bed and sleep.