Am I back to my old ways?
Yesterday I had my hearing. I was so nervous, so anxious. But I think things turned out well. I think I came off as nervous in the morning, but warmed up after the first witness, which was bad news for the second witness.
After that I was so tired I just sat around doing nothing.
At 5ish I left the office, checked out David Jones, thought about buying a $50 tie but decided the tie I was wearing was perfectly ok and left. Then I went for the appointment with my psychologist.
I waited a while before he came out to see me. I was a bit shocked because he had grown a full beard. At first I wasn't sure if it was a fashion statement or if he was just too busy, but then I noticed he had his hair combed over so I figured it was a fashion thing.
I really didn't know how or what I was going to say. I told him lately I had been feeling sad and emotional, and how I didn't feel the motivation to do anything. I told him about how a few weeks ago my manager was speaking to me and I felt like bursting into tears. Then I told him about being knocked down in basketball last Wednesday and also feeling like crying.
I told him about how I felt tired of paying back the loan, and how I was paying back $1,600 a fortnight instead of the minimum repayments of $340 a fortnight. He made an "whoa" sound and I added that on top of that I pay $10 a day.
He said I had gone through a lot with Jin and that, and again told me about the different parts of the brain which controlled things logically and emotionally. I also told him about how I played video games every night and he was very much against it. He said this was the cause of me not being able to focus, and explained that video games was very bad at distracting people. He told me about two types of focusing.
He also told me about how I should set my alarm to 7:15am instead of 6am, and then each day to wind it back by five minutes, so that will help adjust me body to waking up at 6am eventually.
In the second half of the session I told him about Victoria. I thought he'd warn me given what had happened with Jin, but he looked like he sympathised with me. He said I must've been going through a lot mentally with this. I talked about whether it would be cold to discontinue things with Victoria just so I could avoid the emotional trauma down the track. He said he didn't have an answer for me. I told him I didn't think I could handle another hit in my life. He said the hits will keep coming because that's what life is, and that if they don't come then it means I'm not living life.
For some odd reason I felt like bursting into tears right there and then. My eyes watered and I think he could see that, as he went silent. That just made me really sad to know. I've spent a lot of energy paying back my gambling debts, and now this Jin debt. I can't imagine doing all this again.
At the end he suggested he could help me if I came more regularly. I felt like he was trying to make money off me, and I didn't like that. Maybe I'm wrong. But I just didn't feel like committing. He didn't pressure me though.
Today I woke up with a headache, even though I got lots of sleep. I felt like maybe it was from exhaustion of doing my hearing yesterday.
I got shit all done today mainly because of that. What's worse is I finally gave into the gambling bug. After work I went to withdraw $800 from my credit card. I actually wanted $1000 but it wouldn't let me. I went to the casino and found a table. I didn't recognise any of the dealers, or any of the players, but everything else looked the same. I thought about the saying, how the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I saw a young man in a suit jumping from table to table, and saw myself in his shoes. I wanted to tell him no, to stay away. But I guess this is just a cycle for all of us.
I got extremely lucky and won like my first five bets in various ways. I was up $400. Later on there was a change of dealer, an older Asian lady I had seen before. I nearly lost all my money here, where I placed $400 worth of my last chips on a spin...and won. So I stayed on.
There was an old man standing near me watching the table play. I thought he looked a lot like my father. In fact, I kept thinking he was my dad. I pictured my dad standing there, which was a huge force in getting me to leave. But I stayed on despite the enormous guilt.
I then thought about how my bar exam results would be released tomorrow. I knew I couldn't lose now. I'd really feel like shit if I lost $800 and I failed my exam.
Later I was up $550 and considered leaving. But I stayed on. I was soon down to $400 but somehow managed to claw my way back. I made my way through two more dealers and found myself up $960. I bet one more time and lost. Then bet once more and won.
I decided that was enough, and cashed out with a $960 profit.
I decided to go for a punt, and messaged the Wechat lady. As if I hadn't done my conscience enough harm, I went with a Korean girl with the name Victoria. I shall call her Viktoria here to separate the two.
When she opened the door, I thought she looked a lot like Suri. She was quite cheerful. I paid her and undressed, then went into the shower. As I was showering, I was wondering, is that Suri? Is this where she works? If that's Suri, is she looking through my wallet right now to get revenge on me? Nah, it can't be Suri, if it was, you would've picked up a reaction when she opened the door and saw you.
I finished the shower and went into the room. I said a few Korean words which went down well with her, not that I needed to given how good her English was. When she got on top of me, I thought she was Suri.
My god, Suri is sucking my dick. I'm with Ash's girlfriend!
When I got on top, I noticed her necklace had the word 'Victoria' on it. Great.
After we finished, we talked. I decided to see if she was Suri. I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no. She showed me photos of her puppies in Korea. While she flicked through her photos, there were some of her and a guy, and she said it was her ex-boyfriend.
I said she had a nice Kakaotalk background and said mine was boring. She asked me to show her, so I grabbed my phone and she helped me change it. I told her about my trip to Korea and showed her photos. She flicked through them and we talked for the rest of the session. I came to the conclusion that she wasn't Suri. She said she was 28, but I suspected she was probably older, though still younger than Suri.
We actually got along really well, though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe she was like this with every customer. Also, I was hesitant to start anything given the real Victoria would be back soon.
We talked so much. Turns out she's half Japanese as her grandfather is Japanese. She said she stayed in Japan until she was seven, and can speak Japanese. I teased her about being smart in that she could speak three languages and she laughed modestly.
Her boss called her, and I thought she was in trouble. She said it was because she didn't tell her boss things had started. Her boss called again later, and it sounded like there was another customer waiting. I apologised and said I didn't want to get her into trouble, and she said not to apologise. As I was dressing, she asked to exchange numbers. She got my phone and called her phone from it. I heard her let another guy in and then she came back to show me out.
I figured maybe she was a good back up in case things don't work out with Victoria, but Victoria will always be my first preference.
After that I was so tired I just sat around doing nothing.
At 5ish I left the office, checked out David Jones, thought about buying a $50 tie but decided the tie I was wearing was perfectly ok and left. Then I went for the appointment with my psychologist.
I waited a while before he came out to see me. I was a bit shocked because he had grown a full beard. At first I wasn't sure if it was a fashion statement or if he was just too busy, but then I noticed he had his hair combed over so I figured it was a fashion thing.
I really didn't know how or what I was going to say. I told him lately I had been feeling sad and emotional, and how I didn't feel the motivation to do anything. I told him about how a few weeks ago my manager was speaking to me and I felt like bursting into tears. Then I told him about being knocked down in basketball last Wednesday and also feeling like crying.
I told him about how I felt tired of paying back the loan, and how I was paying back $1,600 a fortnight instead of the minimum repayments of $340 a fortnight. He made an "whoa" sound and I added that on top of that I pay $10 a day.
He said I had gone through a lot with Jin and that, and again told me about the different parts of the brain which controlled things logically and emotionally. I also told him about how I played video games every night and he was very much against it. He said this was the cause of me not being able to focus, and explained that video games was very bad at distracting people. He told me about two types of focusing.
He also told me about how I should set my alarm to 7:15am instead of 6am, and then each day to wind it back by five minutes, so that will help adjust me body to waking up at 6am eventually.
In the second half of the session I told him about Victoria. I thought he'd warn me given what had happened with Jin, but he looked like he sympathised with me. He said I must've been going through a lot mentally with this. I talked about whether it would be cold to discontinue things with Victoria just so I could avoid the emotional trauma down the track. He said he didn't have an answer for me. I told him I didn't think I could handle another hit in my life. He said the hits will keep coming because that's what life is, and that if they don't come then it means I'm not living life.
For some odd reason I felt like bursting into tears right there and then. My eyes watered and I think he could see that, as he went silent. That just made me really sad to know. I've spent a lot of energy paying back my gambling debts, and now this Jin debt. I can't imagine doing all this again.
At the end he suggested he could help me if I came more regularly. I felt like he was trying to make money off me, and I didn't like that. Maybe I'm wrong. But I just didn't feel like committing. He didn't pressure me though.
Today I woke up with a headache, even though I got lots of sleep. I felt like maybe it was from exhaustion of doing my hearing yesterday.
I got shit all done today mainly because of that. What's worse is I finally gave into the gambling bug. After work I went to withdraw $800 from my credit card. I actually wanted $1000 but it wouldn't let me. I went to the casino and found a table. I didn't recognise any of the dealers, or any of the players, but everything else looked the same. I thought about the saying, how the more things change, the more they stay the same.
I saw a young man in a suit jumping from table to table, and saw myself in his shoes. I wanted to tell him no, to stay away. But I guess this is just a cycle for all of us.
I got extremely lucky and won like my first five bets in various ways. I was up $400. Later on there was a change of dealer, an older Asian lady I had seen before. I nearly lost all my money here, where I placed $400 worth of my last chips on a spin...and won. So I stayed on.
There was an old man standing near me watching the table play. I thought he looked a lot like my father. In fact, I kept thinking he was my dad. I pictured my dad standing there, which was a huge force in getting me to leave. But I stayed on despite the enormous guilt.
I then thought about how my bar exam results would be released tomorrow. I knew I couldn't lose now. I'd really feel like shit if I lost $800 and I failed my exam.
Later I was up $550 and considered leaving. But I stayed on. I was soon down to $400 but somehow managed to claw my way back. I made my way through two more dealers and found myself up $960. I bet one more time and lost. Then bet once more and won.
I decided that was enough, and cashed out with a $960 profit.
I decided to go for a punt, and messaged the Wechat lady. As if I hadn't done my conscience enough harm, I went with a Korean girl with the name Victoria. I shall call her Viktoria here to separate the two.
When she opened the door, I thought she looked a lot like Suri. She was quite cheerful. I paid her and undressed, then went into the shower. As I was showering, I was wondering, is that Suri? Is this where she works? If that's Suri, is she looking through my wallet right now to get revenge on me? Nah, it can't be Suri, if it was, you would've picked up a reaction when she opened the door and saw you.
I finished the shower and went into the room. I said a few Korean words which went down well with her, not that I needed to given how good her English was. When she got on top of me, I thought she was Suri.
My god, Suri is sucking my dick. I'm with Ash's girlfriend!
When I got on top, I noticed her necklace had the word 'Victoria' on it. Great.
After we finished, we talked. I decided to see if she was Suri. I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no. She showed me photos of her puppies in Korea. While she flicked through her photos, there were some of her and a guy, and she said it was her ex-boyfriend.
I said she had a nice Kakaotalk background and said mine was boring. She asked me to show her, so I grabbed my phone and she helped me change it. I told her about my trip to Korea and showed her photos. She flicked through them and we talked for the rest of the session. I came to the conclusion that she wasn't Suri. She said she was 28, but I suspected she was probably older, though still younger than Suri.
We actually got along really well, though it was always in the back of my mind that maybe she was like this with every customer. Also, I was hesitant to start anything given the real Victoria would be back soon.
We talked so much. Turns out she's half Japanese as her grandfather is Japanese. She said she stayed in Japan until she was seven, and can speak Japanese. I teased her about being smart in that she could speak three languages and she laughed modestly.
Her boss called her, and I thought she was in trouble. She said it was because she didn't tell her boss things had started. Her boss called again later, and it sounded like there was another customer waiting. I apologised and said I didn't want to get her into trouble, and she said not to apologise. As I was dressing, she asked to exchange numbers. She got my phone and called her phone from it. I heard her let another guy in and then she came back to show me out.
I figured maybe she was a good back up in case things don't work out with Victoria, but Victoria will always be my first preference.
posted by toey | 22:58
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