"What do you really want?"

I haven't posted much, mainly because I have mentally been pre-occupied with thinking about Victoria. But before I get onto that, here's a quick summary of what has happened (that I can remember):

• Had lunch with Genie on Friday, talked about her work mainly and her 'uncoupling' with Melissa. For the whole lunch I thought about telling her about Victoria, or at least asking "would you date someone with cancer..." but each time I told myself that Genie could meet Victoria one day, and I didn't want to invade her privacy like that.
• Friday after work, had dinner with Malay and Shuing. Before picking them up, I drove by Victoria's house just to make sure everything was safe. I think it's because I've been in crime so long, I constantly expect it to happen. I half expected her lights to be on. I got out of the car and closed the gate, and left.
• Dinner with Malay and Shuing was ok, talked about Bob's wedding the previous Sunday. I'm actually happy for the guy, despite our falling out. But more importantly, it has made me reflect on what I'm doing with my life. At 32, I'm still living at home, and with $30,000 in debt. Great.
• On Wednesday basketball, we played against Flashbang and won. Mike didn't play as he was sick but he was there watching. I wanted to win just so he didn't think we couldn't win without him. I scored seven points, and the game before that I scored five, so it seems like I am warming up a bit, doubting my own 'too old' belief. One of my proudest plays was running down court for Jun to throw it to me, with a big guy chasing me and making the lay up.
• Windows 7 recently got a virus, so I had to go buy Windows 8. Running it now. It's weird.

Now, back to Victoria. I've been, for the most part, confused.I still have Margy's words echoing in my head, "what do you really want?" That has not only played its part in stopping me from gambling, but also given me some sort of vague life direction.

Ideally, I would want my own two bedroom apartment in my suburb, my current job, an Audi, and a girlfriend. So I should make efforts to seek those out, right? But what if the girl you come across doesn't fit into that picture? Do you discard her? Because she has cancer? Did I want a girl with cancer? No one wants a girl with cancer. No one pictures life like that.

Ever since she told me, I have had a really heavy feeling on my mind, and that feeling of crying is ready to burst behind my eyes. But for some unknown reason, instead of 'discarding' the idea of being with her, I have started to miss her. I have started to want her more. Is it because she is away?

She did end up messaging me on Monday 7 July:

"Hi [insert name here] I arrived in Seoul safely last night. I probably can't go back to Sydney next week because I am having some operation this Thursday. Take care and I'll message you when I get back."

Kakaotalk had some problems so I wasn't sure if my messages in reply went through. I said I'd pray for her, and the day before her surgery, it still hadn't been read so I sent it via Whatsapp. She read it but no reply. Since then, have not heard from her or seen her online in Whatsapp.

Now I'm left wondering...did she die? Will I ever know? What do I do now? She didn't even tell me she was going to have surgery, she told me she was going back for a check up. Now everything is more serious, and I feel like I miss her even more. Because I think, were those the last words she would ever say to me?

How long do I wait? How long till I get over her?

If I end up with her, is it fair that this will eventually cause me substantial emotional pain? Is it fair that I spend my life with that inevitable end to the story? Do I cancel now to avoid hurting myself, and in the process, hurt her? What is right? What is wrong?

Has she left me like this?

I keep thinking about her words, "make the most of your life", and I have tried to live up to them, by going to the gym Monday, Tuesday and Thursday. I went for a jog this morning after washing the car. I have tried my best to stay away from gambling, and from punting.

All I can think of is her.