I am one confused individual...
Throughout the day, I felt pretty good. I kept myself busy at work, and even went to the gym during lunch. I just felt good, you know what I mean?
I had told myself I'd leave the Jin thing, and thereby avoiding myself a further loss of $50,000. Thinking about it, actually made me like my current situation where I force myself to pay $10 per day towards my personal loan on top of the extra that I pay above the minimum requirement. I almost felt like I deserved this loan.
Whenever I felt a bit of anger creeping in about the whole Jin thing, I told myself that I shared some blame too - I was the one who told her I would give her the money. When I think about it like that, the anger seems to subside. I'm not sure why. For some reason, knowing that not all the blame lies on her makes me less angry, and more open to accepting my current predicament.
I left work feeling pretty good, I indulged and went to KFC. I thought about Victoria for a bit, and told myself I should be happy I even met a person like her. I was pretty content on not checking any messages from Jin.
However, when I got home, that was a different story. I got on the same bus as my nosy neighbour, and when we got off together, I deliberately trailed behind and then ended up walking around the block to avoid talking to her. That resulted in my coming straight towards my garage...which I opened up. I got out the old phone from the card board box and turned it on.
I was pretty sure there'd be messages from her. Saying what? I don't know. I turned on the internet connection and waited.
And waited.
Nothing.
Was she taken aback by my proposal? Did that mean it was a scam all along and she didn't know how to counter it? If so, where did my money really go? If not, was she still considering how to reply? Or how to get around it?
I can't help but feel somewhat disappointed. You know that usual feeling you get when someone ignores your message? Only this is in the context of someone you like. I felt like I wanted her to reply. But then I asked myself, "do you really want to lose $50,000?" Of course not. I should be happy she didn't reply. I had made the offer, and she didn't want it, not my fault. But my emotions didn't feel the same way. Actually, my emotions didn't care. They don't have any logic.
When I got home, I ended up checking her phone log. You know what was strange? She hadn't made any activities since 7 am today. No internet. No SMS. No calls. What the? Was she ok?
My immediate thought was some triad members had tied her up and taken her phone. So I called from my current phone, with the number blocked. It rang twice before it cut out. I wonder what was wrong. Is she just sick?
I guess we'll see.
I had told myself I'd leave the Jin thing, and thereby avoiding myself a further loss of $50,000. Thinking about it, actually made me like my current situation where I force myself to pay $10 per day towards my personal loan on top of the extra that I pay above the minimum requirement. I almost felt like I deserved this loan.
Whenever I felt a bit of anger creeping in about the whole Jin thing, I told myself that I shared some blame too - I was the one who told her I would give her the money. When I think about it like that, the anger seems to subside. I'm not sure why. For some reason, knowing that not all the blame lies on her makes me less angry, and more open to accepting my current predicament.
I left work feeling pretty good, I indulged and went to KFC. I thought about Victoria for a bit, and told myself I should be happy I even met a person like her. I was pretty content on not checking any messages from Jin.
However, when I got home, that was a different story. I got on the same bus as my nosy neighbour, and when we got off together, I deliberately trailed behind and then ended up walking around the block to avoid talking to her. That resulted in my coming straight towards my garage...which I opened up. I got out the old phone from the card board box and turned it on.
I was pretty sure there'd be messages from her. Saying what? I don't know. I turned on the internet connection and waited.
And waited.
Nothing.
Was she taken aback by my proposal? Did that mean it was a scam all along and she didn't know how to counter it? If so, where did my money really go? If not, was she still considering how to reply? Or how to get around it?
I can't help but feel somewhat disappointed. You know that usual feeling you get when someone ignores your message? Only this is in the context of someone you like. I felt like I wanted her to reply. But then I asked myself, "do you really want to lose $50,000?" Of course not. I should be happy she didn't reply. I had made the offer, and she didn't want it, not my fault. But my emotions didn't feel the same way. Actually, my emotions didn't care. They don't have any logic.
When I got home, I ended up checking her phone log. You know what was strange? She hadn't made any activities since 7 am today. No internet. No SMS. No calls. What the? Was she ok?
My immediate thought was some triad members had tied her up and taken her phone. So I called from my current phone, with the number blocked. It rang twice before it cut out. I wonder what was wrong. Is she just sick?
I guess we'll see.
posted by toey | 21:05
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