This time it's different
It's the night before my exam. I studied from 11am to 5pm today, and I got in a couple of hours of study yesterday after the usual Saturday basketball (which went for four hours).
Last time I was here, I was in the midst of mental chaos - drowning my Jin sorrow and mixing it with a cocktail of roulette. Now, I am still somewhat not quite over the whole Jin incident and find myself thinking about it from time to time, but at least I am not gambling.
Don't get me wrong, the urges have been there. Only recently I thought about withdrawing a few thousand from my savings to have a 'celebratory gamble' on Monday after the exam. Instead, I think I will go shopping for a new cardigan to go with the pants I bought on Thursday. This is a far, far cry from my situation before. I am still in net debt of about $2,500, hopefully I will get back in the black soon. Those two impulse buys last night online of the newly released Jordan Future probably didn't help, but they look sooooo nice! I'm planning to sell the size 13.5 and keep the pair in my size.
On Thursday after gym, I called Victoria to ask her how the doctor went. I was in Woolies when I called. She said it was just an inflammation, and they gave her some tablets and cream, but she said the cream doesn't seem to work very well. I asked if she still intended on taking the exam and she said yes, sounding like as if that was never in doubt.
I asked her what would happen to her cat while she was overseas, and she said she'd take it to a boarding house for pets. She said she's done it before. I said I'd take her but my cats would probably fight with it, and it's easy for cats to run away in my area.
I asked when she was departing for Korea and she said the 6th of July. I suggested driving her to the airport, and she sounded like "oh I'm going to have to say no again and he's going to get angry" when she told me that she had already arranged for a guy to drive her. She explained the guy's aunt was also going to fly that day. I half playfully suggested she cancel it because my car was better, and she did say the guy's car was small, but she couldn't cancel.
I suggested picking her up when she comes back and she sounded excited about that, but said it would be on a weekday. I said it didn't matter as I could take a half day off work. We joked that I only wanted to do it to get the o-deng off her.
I didn't know how to end the call, and awkwardly said "well I'll see you when I see you" and she reminded me that she would see me on my birthday. I was actually planning to see her before that, but oh well. I told her it had been changed to lawn bowls and she didn't know what that was, and I said it was like bowling but for old people, then added "I probably shouldn't say that too loud" and she laughed.
She also said she'd pray for me for my exam on Monday, and then we ended the call.
On Friday after work, just like the week before, I went with Malay and Brain to Thai's house for a night of utter junk food and video games. We got some KFC on the way, then ate it at Thai's place. We played Outlast for a bit in the dark, which was pretty scary lol. Then we played Mario Kart again, and then another Mario game, until like 1am.
I drove Malay and Brain home, and then the next day Malay messaged me on fb asking if he had left his phone in my car. Admittedly, I did a pretty poor job of checking. I went down, scanned the car floor a few times, and then told him it wasn't. I then went off to basketball. When I came back, I saw that he had asked me to try to ring it because his phone wasn't on silent. My dad had the car by then and I called him to ask if he could let me know if he could hear a phone ring. When I called Malay's phone, my dad said he couldn't hear any phones ringing, so I told Malay it wasn't in my car.
He asked me to try again and this time when my dad came back I went down and rang his phone, and heard a faint vibrating sound along with an even fainter ring tone. Even after that, it still took me like ten minutes to locate it, but I finally found it and he came to pick it up.
I felt so bad for having done half hearted attempts.
Hmmm, so back to my exam, tomorrow. I feel ok, but I don't feel that same sense of urgency that I normally feel, and that which propels me to try harder. It's weird, because there is kinda a lot at stake here - if I fail, I have to do all three again, not to mention telling everyone that I failed, adding to the humiliation.
Maybe I'll panic tomorrow morning.
Last time I was here, I was in the midst of mental chaos - drowning my Jin sorrow and mixing it with a cocktail of roulette. Now, I am still somewhat not quite over the whole Jin incident and find myself thinking about it from time to time, but at least I am not gambling.
Don't get me wrong, the urges have been there. Only recently I thought about withdrawing a few thousand from my savings to have a 'celebratory gamble' on Monday after the exam. Instead, I think I will go shopping for a new cardigan to go with the pants I bought on Thursday. This is a far, far cry from my situation before. I am still in net debt of about $2,500, hopefully I will get back in the black soon. Those two impulse buys last night online of the newly released Jordan Future probably didn't help, but they look sooooo nice! I'm planning to sell the size 13.5 and keep the pair in my size.
On Thursday after gym, I called Victoria to ask her how the doctor went. I was in Woolies when I called. She said it was just an inflammation, and they gave her some tablets and cream, but she said the cream doesn't seem to work very well. I asked if she still intended on taking the exam and she said yes, sounding like as if that was never in doubt.
I asked her what would happen to her cat while she was overseas, and she said she'd take it to a boarding house for pets. She said she's done it before. I said I'd take her but my cats would probably fight with it, and it's easy for cats to run away in my area.
I asked when she was departing for Korea and she said the 6th of July. I suggested driving her to the airport, and she sounded like "oh I'm going to have to say no again and he's going to get angry" when she told me that she had already arranged for a guy to drive her. She explained the guy's aunt was also going to fly that day. I half playfully suggested she cancel it because my car was better, and she did say the guy's car was small, but she couldn't cancel.
I suggested picking her up when she comes back and she sounded excited about that, but said it would be on a weekday. I said it didn't matter as I could take a half day off work. We joked that I only wanted to do it to get the o-deng off her.
I didn't know how to end the call, and awkwardly said "well I'll see you when I see you" and she reminded me that she would see me on my birthday. I was actually planning to see her before that, but oh well. I told her it had been changed to lawn bowls and she didn't know what that was, and I said it was like bowling but for old people, then added "I probably shouldn't say that too loud" and she laughed.
She also said she'd pray for me for my exam on Monday, and then we ended the call.
On Friday after work, just like the week before, I went with Malay and Brain to Thai's house for a night of utter junk food and video games. We got some KFC on the way, then ate it at Thai's place. We played Outlast for a bit in the dark, which was pretty scary lol. Then we played Mario Kart again, and then another Mario game, until like 1am.
I drove Malay and Brain home, and then the next day Malay messaged me on fb asking if he had left his phone in my car. Admittedly, I did a pretty poor job of checking. I went down, scanned the car floor a few times, and then told him it wasn't. I then went off to basketball. When I came back, I saw that he had asked me to try to ring it because his phone wasn't on silent. My dad had the car by then and I called him to ask if he could let me know if he could hear a phone ring. When I called Malay's phone, my dad said he couldn't hear any phones ringing, so I told Malay it wasn't in my car.
He asked me to try again and this time when my dad came back I went down and rang his phone, and heard a faint vibrating sound along with an even fainter ring tone. Even after that, it still took me like ten minutes to locate it, but I finally found it and he came to pick it up.
I felt so bad for having done half hearted attempts.
Hmmm, so back to my exam, tomorrow. I feel ok, but I don't feel that same sense of urgency that I normally feel, and that which propels me to try harder. It's weird, because there is kinda a lot at stake here - if I fail, I have to do all three again, not to mention telling everyone that I failed, adding to the humiliation.
Maybe I'll panic tomorrow morning.
posted by toey | 21:01
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