Scumbag me
Today I was ok productive at work. I was preparaing for my hearing on Monday. Whilst I initially thought I wouldn't have enough time, given the progress I made today I think I might actually be ok.
I had lunch with Moira today. A while ago I asked her for the name of a restaurant we went to as a team, so I could take Victoria to it. I figured it'd be rude just to ask her for help and then not suggest a catch up, so I 'volunteered' a catch up, hence today.
The good thing about Moira is that you don't have to worry about awkward silences. She just keeps on talking and talking, which, for catch up occasions like this, it's not so bad. We talked about her work, my work, our old work and my bar exams. At the end, I asked her if she ever felt tired, having worked the same eight years as me out of university. Don't think she caught onto exactly what I meant, as she started talking about our profession expecting us to progress and progress.
After lunch I went back to the office to work. I had met Moira at the 'other' end of the city, which reminded me of some of my times with Jin. Towards the end of the day, I felt restless. I went to drop off some shirts for dry cleaning, then came back thinking about either gambling or punting.
The gambling urge had been creeping up on me over the last few weeks, but I told myself to resist. I think I have abstained for about five months, and I didn't want to break that streak. I also booked in to see my psychologist today for Monday because I was feeling extremely down, and so I didn't want to have to report to him that I had gambled recently.
So then I decided to go punting, messaged that agency on wechat, and after a bit of haggling, managed to see a girl called Lily whose picture I found ok, as opposed to them pushing for me to see another girl I wasn't too keen on.
I was glad I didn't go gambling because Victoria told me to make the best out of everyday, and gambling wasn't the way to do it. But at the same time, here I was going for a punt while she was in Korea having surgery for cancer. Scumbag me.
I went to the apartment, and Lily opened the door. There were others in the apartment but I didn't see them. Lily was a short Chinese girl who didn't speak much. She said she was sick, and I believe her, but not sure if she was shy as well. I had a shower and then came back to the bedroom. I swear, I don't know how they make bras now, but when she was wearing a bra she looked like she had some boobs, but after taking it off, dare I say my chest may have been bigger than hers.
It reminded me of Victoria. I think their bodies would've been similar. In fact, throughout the whole thing I was thinking about Victoria. Even though Lily seemed to be very much into it (she didn't need lube), I was still thinking about Victoria.
After the session, we just laid there half asleep. I was hoping I didn't catch her flu or anything.
When I got home, I went to the petrol station to get a donut, then I went to my garage to check on my old phone. I had a bit of a scare last night as I discovered the box wasn't there anymore, but apparently my dad had just moved it. So that momentary fear made me think that I may never have a chance to contact Jin again, which made me want to contact her again.
I checked my phone, and still no messages from her. I wondered if she had blocked me. So I tested it by sending her messages:
"do you want it or not?'
"you have 7 days to decide"
"or I give the money to someone else"
She read them moments later.
Why did I do that. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
Scumbag me.
I had lunch with Moira today. A while ago I asked her for the name of a restaurant we went to as a team, so I could take Victoria to it. I figured it'd be rude just to ask her for help and then not suggest a catch up, so I 'volunteered' a catch up, hence today.
The good thing about Moira is that you don't have to worry about awkward silences. She just keeps on talking and talking, which, for catch up occasions like this, it's not so bad. We talked about her work, my work, our old work and my bar exams. At the end, I asked her if she ever felt tired, having worked the same eight years as me out of university. Don't think she caught onto exactly what I meant, as she started talking about our profession expecting us to progress and progress.
After lunch I went back to the office to work. I had met Moira at the 'other' end of the city, which reminded me of some of my times with Jin. Towards the end of the day, I felt restless. I went to drop off some shirts for dry cleaning, then came back thinking about either gambling or punting.
The gambling urge had been creeping up on me over the last few weeks, but I told myself to resist. I think I have abstained for about five months, and I didn't want to break that streak. I also booked in to see my psychologist today for Monday because I was feeling extremely down, and so I didn't want to have to report to him that I had gambled recently.
So then I decided to go punting, messaged that agency on wechat, and after a bit of haggling, managed to see a girl called Lily whose picture I found ok, as opposed to them pushing for me to see another girl I wasn't too keen on.
I was glad I didn't go gambling because Victoria told me to make the best out of everyday, and gambling wasn't the way to do it. But at the same time, here I was going for a punt while she was in Korea having surgery for cancer. Scumbag me.
I went to the apartment, and Lily opened the door. There were others in the apartment but I didn't see them. Lily was a short Chinese girl who didn't speak much. She said she was sick, and I believe her, but not sure if she was shy as well. I had a shower and then came back to the bedroom. I swear, I don't know how they make bras now, but when she was wearing a bra she looked like she had some boobs, but after taking it off, dare I say my chest may have been bigger than hers.
It reminded me of Victoria. I think their bodies would've been similar. In fact, throughout the whole thing I was thinking about Victoria. Even though Lily seemed to be very much into it (she didn't need lube), I was still thinking about Victoria.
After the session, we just laid there half asleep. I was hoping I didn't catch her flu or anything.
When I got home, I went to the petrol station to get a donut, then I went to my garage to check on my old phone. I had a bit of a scare last night as I discovered the box wasn't there anymore, but apparently my dad had just moved it. So that momentary fear made me think that I may never have a chance to contact Jin again, which made me want to contact her again.
I checked my phone, and still no messages from her. I wondered if she had blocked me. So I tested it by sending her messages:
"do you want it or not?'
"you have 7 days to decide"
"or I give the money to someone else"
She read them moments later.
Why did I do that. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF.
Scumbag me.
posted by toey | 22:20
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