Lunch with Sarah

So I met with Sarah today for lunch. The girl I was introduced to by my auntie when she came over from Guangzhou.

We were supposed to meet at 12:30pm, so at 12:15pm I left the office to get some money out from the ATM, and then walked around DJ's. At 12:20pm she texted me saying she'd be there at 12:40pm. Hmmm...not a good start.

After a while she called me, and this would be the first time I spoke to her properly - in English. A fobby Asian accent came on the line, which took me back. The other annoying thing was she seemed a bit lost, but turned out she was across the road.

I think she seemed a bit nervous as she waited to cross the road to come to me. I took her to the food court in DJs for some noodles. We made some small talk as we waited to be seated. As we did, I realised I could probably never love two people at the same time. All I could think of was Victoria, and how I just wanted to do this lunch as a matter of procedure.

Don't get me wrong, Sarah isn't bad looking. Had I not met Victoria first, I would probably be over the moon. But now, everything seemed different. Her accent when she spoke English annoyed me. It just wasn't as 'cute' as Jin speaking her broken English.

But as the meal went on, and as we spoke in Cantonese, I guess my views softened, and conversation went a bit better. She told me she had been here for six years, got her Masters in Accounting, and had only been working at the travel agency for a short time. She didn't seem like she liked the job, saying the customers were too fussy.

She said she lives in Burwood, and likes animals but can't have any where she lives. She said she likes to watch soccer, and play badminton. She also likes to watch TVB so we talked about that for a bit. I think she might be a bit interested in me, which really puts me in a fucking dilemma. Never in my life would I ever think I would have three love interests going - Victoria, Lina and Sarah. I bet I end up with none of them because I am an idiot.

She didn't really finish her food, and I wondered if she even liked Thai food. She seemed to agree to this Thai noodles bar only because we had just met. She said she didn't like the fried tofu, but she said she liked durian, and after we finished, she tried to find it in the fruit market to show me.

After that I ended things by saying we could do lunch another time and then we parted.

What does she want? Solved

On Wednesday night, we lost in the semi's against Swish 2 and I take the blame. Because we thought we didn't make the semi's, no one knew until I checked the schedule online, so Mike thought this would be a good opportunity to leave Alex out of the game. But when I got to the courts, I saw there were only a few minutes left on the clock for the game before ours, we only had four people at that stage, and I panicked and called Alex.

Then I found out - the game before ours was still playing the first half. There was still plenty of time left for Derek to arrive, and he did. So Alex turned up, came on at about 15 minutes for me, fucked up, I took him off with five minutes to go. We were down by 10 points at halftime, but made a small comeback in the beginning of the second half. Then Mike and Alex got fouled out so we were left with four.

Game over.

In the end, I got so frustrated I fouled out as well. One guy was on a fast break, and I jumped up for the block, but his left hand grabbed me right hand, and in a moment of anger and frustration, I swung down my right arm as I came down, which made it look like I pulled him down even though his fall was all done by him. That was my last foul.

On Thursday night, after typing up my previous entry and playing some Last of Us, I drove out to the city and went to the Vibe Hotel. I probably got there around 11pm. I then went to the supermarket to see what I could get for the night, and only ended up getting a chapstick as my lips were dry. I went back to the hotel, had a shower, and half slept/half rolled around in bed until Lina messaged me at around 2am.

Ended up picking her up outside World Tower. Even though I got there first and waited, I must've looked away as I didn't see where she came out from. I just saw she was calling me, and I looked up and saw her behind my car. I beeped my horn and she got in. I asked if she was hungry and she said yes. I asked if she wanted to go to Haru Haru or eat sushi in the hotel, and she said Haru Haru had too many people. She thought about it before opting for the sushi.

So we went back to the hotel room and had sushi there. She took out her ipad while I was at the table putting my glasses away, and she asked me to come over. I sat down next to her and saw that she was scrolling through apartments. She said she wanted to look for one in Central Park, then started looking through some World Tower ones. I was very lively to the possibility that she might ask me to move in and I might actually have to start paying rent, so I was looking for the cheapest. The cheapest seemed to be $700 per week. That's fucking expensive. If I wasn't paying off this fucking debt, then maybe. Now? No.

I asked if she had an email address and she said yes. I asked her to send it to me as I'd help her look, but she needed to look as well. She said ok. After that we went to bed, turned off the lights, kissed a bit and went to sleep. I knew from previous experience she wouldn't be up for sex after working, so with that expectation in mind, I was content and didn't push it.

We probably went to sleep at 3am-ish, and I found myself up just before 8am. I knew I had to go buy a parking ticket, and my trusty brain woke me up for that. I went down and bought a ticket, then came back up to sleep a bit more.

At around 10am I started trying to kiss her a bit, I wasn't really after sex, but just felt like cuddling, though I am pretty sure she thought I was after sex. She told me she would wake up at 11am, so I left her alone till then. We started kissing again and she asked me to take my boxers off. I said I didn't have a condom, and she said she had some. She took out a pack and picked one. She put on some lube, and we had sex. For a few moments, it felt romantic, but for the large part, it felt emotionless. It made me think that Jin liked me more...and more genuinely than this.

After that, she turned on her ipad and rested it on my stomach, as we watched a Korean news segment on the South Korean ferry disaster. It ran for about 30-40 minutes. 99% of it was in Korean, though I think I got the gist of it.

When it finished, I showered first, then she showered, and we got dressed and left. We talked about where to go for "breakfast". She suggested Thai at first, near where she lives, but there was no parking. I suggested going to the Wick, but she seemed hesitant and suggested Newtown. That was tough parking too but I said ok.

We went to Newtown and there was a Vietnamese restaurant she wanted to go to called The Viet. Parking wasn't too bad. As we were walking, I asked her about the IELTS exam, and she said she would need to take that when she applies for her student visa. She then said that if I married her, she wouldn't need the student visa.

..............................

To be honest, if this had happened before I met Victoria, I probably would've been happy. But I wasn't.

She said "marry me" again before we reached the restaurant. When we went in, she ordered pho and I ordered the roast chicken with rice, which was pretty nice. She gave me a sip of her soup which was good. She added a lot of chilli.

Although the food was good, the conversation wasn't. We barely talked. I was mentally contrasting this with Victoria. I didn't know how I lasted all those dates with Jin when her English was worse than Lina's. I felt like we were an old couple, content just to be together.

Afterwards, as we were walking to my car, she asked about coffee. We turned around and went for coffee, then turned back around as she said never mind. Then we stopped at a cafeteria for coffee. That was weird. If I didn't know any better, it seemed like she was avoiding someone or something from the direction we were walking in when we were heading to my car.

So I had a strawberry drink and she had an iced coffee without ice cream. She previously said she liked the long tea (?) from Starbucks. Again, we sat there with almost no conversation. This time though, she was texting on her phone a lot.

After that, as we were walking to my car, she spotted something in a store so we went in. She ended up buying a woolly type of sleeveless jacket for $90. Odd thing was, she only gave the cashier $70 at first. Hmmm.

When we went back to my car, she had a smoke first, and I noticed one of my hubcaps was coming loose. God, how embarassing.

I drove her back home and dropped her off, then went home to have a nap before meeting up with the guys (Malay, Shuing, Thai, Brain) for dinner in Chinksford. I told them about Victoria during coffee afterwards. Malay and I drove Thai home.

End...Victoria?

On Monday I was to meet Victoria for our usual study session at noon. But before that, I decided to go buy a pair of jeans first, as the ones I was wearing probably stunk from the previous day's fishing, and the other pair that I had was full of holes (I really should chuck them out).

So I caught a bus to the shopping centre near me. I had probably left it a little too late, as it was already like 11:30am by the time I was on the bus. Once I got to the shopping centre, I was rushing through to find a Just Jeans, but I wanted to go to the toilet first as I had a bit of a cold and felt my nose was runny.

As I was close to the toilets, I was stopped by a guy asking about my shoes. I thought he just wanted to know where I got them, but soon I realised he worked at one of the stalls set up and was trying to sell me shit. He was good, he quickly got me to the stall and applied some sort of cream on the back of my hand, made some comments about my skin, and tried to sell me his products. I said I was meeting a friend and had to go, but he stopped me, saying he could do a deal. When I tried to leave again, he said he'd reduce it to cost price, but I said no anyway. If I wasn't in such a rush, I might actually have bought something.

I ended up in Just Jeans, and was ready to splash out for a pair of CK jeans I saw on their website. But I couldn't find it, and found another pair which I thought was just as nice for only $80. It fit a lot better (read: looser) than the ones I got in Korea so I bought it. I changed into them then and there, and rushed to the library, texting Victoria apologising for being late.

It was close to 1pm now and she asked if I just wanted to go straight to lunch instead.

Go directly to the main purpose of me meeting you every week? SURE!

Given she was already at the library and that all she had to do was come down the elevators, I thought she'd be there waiting for me. But when I got to the building, I had to wait around a bit. Finally I decided to try to go up to find her, but as I was walking towards the lifts, she was walking towards me and waved.

As we walked to her car, I apologised again and she seemed pretty cool with it. I explained why I was late, telling her the truth. I gave her the hard drive and told her it had season three of Suits, and she seemed really happy about it. I told her there was other stuff as well.

I showed her some of the fishing photos from my phone and I noticed she leaned in really close to look at them. It was almost as if she took every possible opportunity to make physical body contact with me.

Once we got to the car park, she told me she had been following the news about the ferry tragedy in South Korea, and that she had been checking the news all morning. She said she felt really sad about it and wanted to cry. She said she really empathised with the whole thing because she used to be a teacher in Korea. I was surprised. I asked her about it more. She said she was a high school teacher for two years and she taught English. She also said she wasn't that much older than the students at the time, and that she still maintains contact with some of them.

Once we got to Chinksford, she asked me to decide on which restaurant to go to. I settled on the Malaysian one I went with G and Malay once. When we sat down, I told her they had drinks with funny names, and quickly scanned the menu, saying "like this one called 'I love you'".

Dude...of all the names you could've picked, you had to go over board. Fucking idiot.

She went with "Thinking about you". Hmmm.

We shared lots of our food with each other again, and conversation went good, except for when she asked me why I wanted to do law, and I gave her an honest account of being looked down on in high school by students from other schools so I really studied hard to get good marks. It kinda left her speechless, and I realised I had revealed too much. Idiot.

I asked why she chose law, and she said John Grisham novels. That seemed kinda silly.

She brought up the topic of the Korean ferry again and said it showed her that life was short, and that we must make the most of it. I had a billion good lines run through my head at that moment that I could've taken advantage of, but I couldn't choose any of them and I went silent. Hmmm.

We talked about what was on the hard drive, even though I had forgotten. She said she didn't like scary or horror movies. I was pretty sure there wasn't any of that. I did remember the movie 127 Hours was on it, and she said she had seen that already.

She said she went to the gym earlier in the week and seemed proud of it. I said we should go to the gym together and she seemed up for it.

I asked her what she had planned for the weekend and she said nothing. I told her I went to the Eastershow a few days ago.

She grabbed the bill that was on the table and said she would pay for it. I wanted to pay for it and tried to pretend I just wanted to see it but she wouldn't let me. We walked to the counter and she tried to pay by card but it was cash only, so I quickly shoved my $50 in front and paid for it. I stuck my tongue out at her.

After lunch she wanted to stop at the grocery store to get a bottle of water. As we walked, she told me about a survey which asked guys and girls which they would rather have first if they were sleep deprived and hungry: Angelina Jolie, food or sleep. She said most girls picked food, but she would pick sleep. I laughed because she was so cute when she said it, and I said I'd never forget that. She then playfully punched me on the arm.

In the store, she asked me if I wanted one, I said no at first but then said yes. She grabbed two bottles, headed to the cashier, and then turned around, saying she would find me the o-deng. There wasn't any.

We drove back to the library and she said she had to make a phone call. I tried to study for the rest of the session, but my mind seemed divided between Victoria and Lina. I wanted to ask Victoria out, thinking bowling, but couldn't come up with a suitable date. Then I figured, screw the guys on Friday, I already spent the past weekend with them, I can't always give them priority as that's probably why we're all single - because we see each other too much.

So after our study session, as we were walking towards her car, I just blurted out "do you want to go bowling on Friday?" She said her and her friends might be going to the Blue Mountains and she'd let me know. I kinda believed her because she didn't hesitate with the response, like she didn't need time to make it up. But then again, putting my cross-examination hat on, she lied on one of the occasions at least: which was it, did she have no plans, or was she headed to the Blue Mountains with her friends?

I tried to keep it cool and stayed silent. Somehow I brought up car washing and how I wanted to start a business before but the numbers didn't add up. I told her I found dirty cars annoying, and she said her car was dirty as she had to park outdoors, even though I didn't think it was, until I gave it closer attention when we reached it. I joked about the loser of bowling having to wash the other person's car. During the drive, she even played with her windscreen wipers to show me she was cleaning her car.

She asked me about bowling again: she asked why I wanted to go bowling (I said to see how competitive she was), where the bowling alleys were and what I would do if she said no. I said I'd just stay home and sit in a corner and sob, adding that I was hoping it'd make her feel guilty. She said she was actually good at bowling and could get over 100. I teased her by saying we weren't doing bumper bowling and that she couldn't use the stand that kids use.

She dropped me off at home, this time stopping way before my place. I still believe that she's faking it.

Now, here is where the 'trouble' begins...or maybe it's just my insecurity. She texted me that same night.

Her @ 19:35 - [insert name here] you have put all the good movies and tv series that I like! I am so excited and can't decide what to watch! Thank you. :)))

Me @ 20:52 - Haha I'm glad you like them! Let me know what you end up watching :)

Her @ 21:09 - I watched the very first episode of Parks and Recreation. I like how they used a single-camera, mockumentary filimg style - similar to Modern Family. :)

Me @ 22:40 - I loved Parks & Recreation! Ron is so funny, hehe. I can get more if you want :)

Then it takes her a whole day to reply to that. The next day...

Her @ 19:57 - I think I have more than enough! Btw I quit watching the news :)

Me @ 20:25 - Good :) Always better to have happy thoughts! Have you had dinner yet?

Her @ 20:36 - I wasn't hungry so I skipped dinner today :)

Me @ 20:39 - Well I hope you can sleep well then...since sleep is more important to you than food!

Then...no reply. Nada. Nothing. That was two days ago :(

Shuing's birthday fishing trip

On Saturday morning I went to the courts for some pick up games. It was a relatively small group, with about 15 guys making up three teams. I ended up staying there for about three hours, and at the end some of us just sat down and talked. Also felt a bit bad because in one of the last games, I was in the key and threw a hard pass to someone close to me, but Eric, who was defending the pass, stuck his hand out to try to deflect it, but the ball smashed into his thumb. I, and others, heard the 'pop' sound, and his thumb instantly began bleeding heavily. To my surprise, he continued playing a game after that, but I felt like it was my fault.

I had planned to go to the gym, but by the time I got home and showered, I was way too fucking tired, and ended up having a nap.

In the afternoon I drove out to pick G and Shuing up for some shopping for the fishing trip the next day. We went to Scope's supermarket hoping he'd be around to give us a 5% discount but he wasn't lol. After we bought our stuff, I dropped them both home and left all the stuff with G.

On Sunday G picked me up at 8:00 am and then we picked up Shuing, as Malay was still occupied in the toilet after dropping his cousin off at the airport. We then picked up Malay, then Scope, and off we went up to Pittwater for our fishing trip.

Pretty much as soon as we got there, we had lots of laughs at the expense of G, as he put on that stupid Australian hat which made him look like a total fob. We met the boat hire guy, loaded up the boat, and then the boat hire guy showed us how to steer the boat by taking us around for a lap, then got off at the wharf and left it up to us.

G was the first one to drive, and the boat was already floating back towards the dock where a kid was dangling his legs over the side, fishing peacefully with his dad watching. The boat was headed towards the kid, and the guy had to yell out "go forward! Go forward!" which prompted laughs from Shuing and I. G reckoned he saw a string attached to the boat and thought it was the kid's fishing line stuck to the boat. I didn't see anything, but Malay said he saw a string too.

Finally G started the boat up and managed to move forward. After he got it out into the open waters, I took over and had a go. It was a lot harder than it seemed. In the movies, the captain just works the wheel slightly and the ship stays in a straight line. But in reality, the water is constantly pushing you in all sorts of directions, and you have to try very hard just to stay straight.

We had to spend a bit of time looking for a 'buoy' to anhor our boat to. We actually couldn't find one and tried to just switch off the engine to stay still, but the water rocked our boat too much, which in turn made Shuing sea sick. He got so bad that he started asking us to turn back and go to the dock. I was really disappointed and annoyed, but he was the birthday boy.

But somehow, as we were on our way back, we started semi-looking for buoys again and found one, and tried to latch it onto our boat. We managed, and the boat gained a lot of stability, and Shuing's complaints seemed to have subsided.

We started fishing, and I thought we would sit there idly for hours talking about deep and personal issues, but it turned out to be quite action packed. Shuing was the first to catch a fish, and I almost couldn't believe it. He caught more, and seemed to have the magic touch. However, he shocked me when he showed so much empathy for the poor fish that he argued that they didn't feel pain and that they'd survive if we threw them back in the water (after I said we had seriously weakened them) and that they were friendly creatures who didn't eat other fish. Ummm.

Unhooking them proved to be a challenge, but as we caught more and more, Scope and Shuing got better at it. I was fishing at one point when I gave the rod to Scope so I could go get something, when as soon as I handed it to him, he caught something! So after that I hung onto my rod and ended up catching one, which was enough for me.

We caught like seven or something and put them all into a bucket of sea water to keep them alive. Everyone caught at least one and we all had a great time. I drove the boat part of the way on the return trip, and Shuing released the fish back into the water. I then let G drive and dock the boat, and he did a good job.

I wanted to eat around there as we don't exactly go to that area everyday, but the guys wanted to go local, so we drove back to Chinksford for dinner. Scope said he was tired and wanted to sleep in the car. After we tried to pull him out, we gave up and let him sleep in the car.

We went to a Chinese restaurant and had dinner, where I managed to skirt the topic G was trying to bring up - the girl I would be studying with the next day - and directed the topic back onto the girl he was working on in Beijing.

We all had $50 and $20 notes to pay, and I ended up not paying but I bought all the guys a drink at Easyway.

Eastershow

On Friday I went out to Central to meet Matt and Aaron for the Eastershow. When I got there I saw I received a message from Aaron asking us where we were. I called him and said I had just arrived, and he said he was on the platform. I called Matt and he was upstairs but ended up coming down to where I was where we bought our tickets together.

After that we went up to the platform where we saw Aaron and his girlfriend Kristy. I knew she would be coming, but wasn't sure if he was bringing anyone else like he suggested. I was kinda relieved he didn't. The train ride conversation went alright, it was a lot faster than I expected.

Once we got there, I felt kinda excited, especially as I saw the entrance and going through the entrance seeing all the stalls. It was a bit full on at first, not knowing what to do or where to go. Kristy wanted to see some animals so we started there. Apparently she really wanted to see goats, so after the chickens we went to see some goats and pigs. I felt kinda sorry for all the animals there.

After that we went to the fresh food dome, where we ate some freebies, then played some games. I played that game where you put the ball in the clown's mouth, and didn't win anything. NOTHING! Not even a consolation prize! Fucking hell.

Then Aaron and Kristy had a go at archery, then I had a go at basketball. I was really hopeful I'd get at least one shot in, but missed all four. After that we checked out the showbags, and although at first I really wanted to get some, on closer inspection I saw that nothing was really that appealing. Especially when everything is like $22-$45.

We spent a bit of time looking for the advertised waffle dog, and had to ask the information booth for it, which turned out to be very close. Matt and I got one. Aaron got a burger meal, and Kristy got something else. But that wasn't enough for Matt and I, so we got a 'manwich', which didn't turn out to be that great. We ate it while watching a show, which Kristy wanted to watch.

At first we were standing in the packed stadium, but later on I got fed up with all the empty seats upstairs, so Matt and I went to check it out. We tried to go up before but the security guard said it was VIP only, but I caught a glance of other people going up without being stopped, hence my second attempt. Matt and I found a nice standing spot upstairs so we messaged Aaron and Kristy to come up. We ended up finding some seats after some people left, so it worked out well.

The show was ok, I guess the fireworks was the best part. After that we walked around a bit more before leaving. I had put aside $200 to spend here, but probably only spent about $80 including the train and entry ticket. I was surprised I didn't leave with a showbag. I must admit, I was a little disappointed. Everything seemed so commercialised now. It just didn't seem like the Eastershow I remembered.

Maybe I have grown out of it?

You're not angry about the $25,000...

Yesterday morning before I left home, I eagerly checked my bank account to see if the recast (paying back what I haven't used of the loan, thus reducing the amount of minimum repayments and also cancelling the ability to withdraw any further amounts from the loan) had been put into effect.

It hadn't. There was still about $4,800 "available" for me to withdraw.

As I walked to work, I was in two mindsets.

Withdraw the rest, see what you can do with $5000 at the casino. Play with $25 chips, win as much as you can, get out and never turn back. If you lose, then just pay back the minimum amounts as required. As least that way this will all be finished, you will no longer be able to gamble anymore. Finish yourself off.

Or...

You have to keep fighting. Salvage whatever you can, even if it's "only" $5,000. Better to save that than to lose it. When you get into the office, call the bank up and chase them up about it. I reckon they see you as a profitable customer and want to delay the recast for as long as possible, hoping you'll spend the rest. Well fuck em', you show em'.

When I arrived at the office, I closed my door and blinds as usual and changed. Then I called the bank. I got a really friendly girl on the other end of the line, who said she loved the movie Fracture after finding out I was a lawyer. However, she advised me that although the recast request had been made a few weeks ago and that it was due to happen on the 16th April, there was an error and she'd have to re-do it again.

I almost cried at that very moment. Why? Because I knew that the bad me...the evil me...would somehow manage to get those funds during the four day weekend and lose it at the casino. I honestly did not think the good me, the one on the phone right now, could resist.

But a few hours after the call, I checked my account and saw that the available balance was now zero. I transferred $10 into it and now the available balance was $10. The recast had worked!!! Even better, when I checked last night, the $10 wasn't even available anymore, the whole redraw facility had been turned off!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA LET'S SEE YOU GAMBLE NOW!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

Despite that, last night I was still having urges. I seriously felt like I still had the funds to gamble and that I could go to the casino any time. It was hard to tell my own mind that that was no longer possible. And that it was good for me.

This morning I went to the courts to get some exercise. I planned to take my ladder with me but forgot it. So I ended up warming up with three sets of suicides, and did one set of slides. I know I normally do three, but I hadn't done them in such a long time, I knew it would kill my back for the next five days. Hell, even after just one set I could feel the pain setting in.

I also did three sets of running knee lifts up and down the court.

As I was training, this voice suddenly popped into my head:

"You are not angry about the $25,000. You were angry you lost her. And now you are angry you relapsed into gambling."

"Your fall is not your fault. It is your father's."

Haha ok, so that last line may have taken it too far. But it did motivate me in my last set of knee lifts when I was feeling the tiredness in my calves.

What happened to me?

"You ain't gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here.

[taps on the inside of his hand]

I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "this kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard you hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother."

-- Rocky Balboa

Final final straw

Lost $2000 after work yesterday.

Lost $2000 this morning before work.

Thai lunch with Victoria

I wanted to go for a jog this morning, but my knee was feeling a bit creaky so I was still undecided. The weather, however, decided for me as it started raining. Oh well. Instead, I stayed home to play Last of Us until about 11am. Victoria had messaged me saying she was at the library and had reserved me a seat. I replied saying "are you there already??" and she said yes, as she had trouble sleeping and had a long morning.

I caught a bus up to the Wick to donate an old suit I couldn't fit into anymore, and then walked to the library. When I found her, I gave her the big easter egg in the bag. She seemed pleasantly surprised and thanked me. I then sat down in front of her and started "studying". I was actually just slowly reading through some case summaries, but mostly browsing on my phone. At times I even rested my eyes.

At about 1pm she came up to me to offer me one of her two cookies (I took the apple one and she had the choc-chip one) and asked me when I wanted to go to lunch. I had assumed we would go at the same time as last week, but given she had asked, I suggested in half an hour. I was kinda glad that she was willing to ask even knowing that it would be my shout, because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable about me paying.

So about half an hour later, we left our stuff there and headed off. As we walked to the lifts, I asked why she had trouble sleeping. She said she felt nervous, I asked if it was because of the exams and she said yes. As we walked out of the lifts, I told her that I thought about buying her the 1kg chocolate rabbit but it was $100. I also told her I had started watching Suits. We talked about that as we walked to her car. It was raining a bit, and she pulled out a small umbrella from her handbag. For a few moments, we silently struggled trying to hold the umbrella together and our hands touched. Then when I decided to let her hold it, she held my arm as if to get me close to her under the shelter of the umbrella.

After we got into the car, she reached over and I didn't know what she was doing at first, but then I realised she was pushing my seat back to give me more leg room. Hmmm.

We parked in the street where I usually park when I meet Shuing and the boys. I held the umbrella for her as she was getting her things out of the car and she seemed to appreciate that. I held it for us the rest of the way. I mentioned that I came here often with my friends and that we usually have Chinese food, and she instantly asked me if I wanted Chinese food instead. For a few moments we battled politely as to eating whatever the other wanted, until we finally settled on our original plan of Chinese food.

The Thai restaurant was packed, and we waited at the front for a bit. I decided to be playful and wrote my name on the waiting list as "Harvey" (in reference to the character Harvey Specter from Suits) and she laughed lol. We were later shown a table which was quite cosy in a small corner. We talked more about Suits (she said she watches like five episodes in a row when she's bored), and she started asking me about my thoughts on their suits, which led to a discussion about suits, ties and shoes in general.

She also mentioned that she studied with Michael F during the week. That was a bit of a surprise, but I didn't see him as a threat. He seemed like a nice guy. She later told me that he was married, and I suspected that she thought I was onto it.

She also said she went to the library last week and bumped into Michael F and Albert, but then she went to study by herself. Hmmm.

She took out her phone and asked me to listen to a tune. She said she recorded it two days ago and it was her playing the piano at home. She said she plays it when she's bored. I told her I wanted to learn how to play the Secret of the Heart themesong on the piano and asked if she could show me if I found her the tune, and she said yes. We also talked about how amazing it was for some blind people to be able to play the piano. She mentioned an Italian pianist who was coming to Sydney in June, and it sounded like she wanted to see him.

She asked if I went to the gym and I said yes. She asked how often, and I said I try to go every day but it ends up being about three times a week. I told her I needed to get on the bike as I had knee surgery a while ago. She said she also goes to the same gym, and tries to go three times a week but ends up being once a week. She said she does walking on the treadmill lol. She also said she did cross fit a while ago but hurt her knee in December, and Thursday was the first time she had started fitness again.

I suggested we could go train for the City to Surf together, or play basketball together. She laughed and said she'd get kicked off the court, but I think she was interested.

We swapped a bit of food with each other, and at the end I noticed she had some vegetables left over. I asked if she didn't like vegetables, and she said she did, but she can't eat that much in one sitting. She said she eats small portions but more frequently.

She talked about how differently women and men get fat. She said it was easier for men to burn fat, due to our hormones and that we exercise when we get stressed, whereas women tend to eat when they're stressed. I thought this was leading to an excuse as to why women get fat, but then she said she actually gets really skinny if she doesn't eat enough, and that she will almost faint if she doesn't eat enough.

She also asked whether it was annoying to guys when girls want to take a bite of their food, because Michael F had asked her previously whether she wanted anything and she said a bite of his Mars Bar and he seemed annoyed. She said other guys had said the same thing, but sometimes she just wanted a bite and not the whole thing. I said that didn't annoy me, but it was annoying when girls said they didn't want it when they actually did. I said as long as she says what she means and means what she says then it's ok.

She went to the bathroom after finishing eating, and when she returned, we went to the counter. I paid as agreed, and she thanked me for lunch. She grabbed two lollies and gave me one. As we walked to her car, we continued our conversation about video games. She said she used to have a Playstation, and that she played Winning 11 and Tekken on it. I asked if she played Street Fighter and she said she did (she said she chooses Ken and Chun Li). I offered her a challenge in the city one day after work and she accepted it. It was agreed that the loser would pay for the next lunch. Originally I said the winner should pay because I feared she would lose on purpose, but she said she could be quite competitive when it came to things like this.

As we approached the car, I asked if she believed in reincarnation and she said a bit. I told her about the book I was reading (or stopped reading out of laziness), which led to a discussion in the car about religion. She asked if I was Christian and I said more Atheist. I asked her and she said she was a bit of everything. I picked up when she said that she had gone through some difficult times in the past, and that was when she turned to religion. She seemed to prefer Buddhism, but also said that had a lot of similarities to Christianity, although Buddhism teaches you that you are your God, whereas Christianity teaches you that there is a God (who is not you).

I mentioned the terror trial I did and how my client tried to convert me to Islam, and she laughed and said I talked funny.

After we parked, she said she would send her parents a photo of the egg I bought her. I said if I knew I would've bought her a humongus one (extending my arms out). She made a remark saying "oh back to reality" meaning back to study. She said if I ever needed to study past six o'clock...

We could go to your house?! OMG this is all happening too soon!!!

She said she might still have access to the computer lab and we could go there. I suggested we try it now, and she tried her card but it didn't work. We returned to the library and continued our individual studying. At about 5:30pm, we packed up and left. I thought about suggesting walking home by myself, but then just went with the flow and assumed she'd drive me.

I asked if she would be cleaning when she got home, and she said no as she was now feeling sleepy from the lack of sleep previously. She nearly drove past my house as we were talking, and I commented again about meeting up on Thursday after work for video games. She said she'd try to do lunch as well during the week.

In an alternate universe...

On Thursday I met up with Jim after work to go to the gym. He enlightened me as to why my gym had recently become so over-crowded. All the other gyms in the CBD area had been upgraded to 'platinum', meaning regular members had to pay an extra $5 for access. Only my one hadn't changed, hence all the people who weren't willing to pay the additional fee were now flocking to my one.

After gym we had dinner. Initially I wanted to go to the Japanese restaurant next door, but there was a line. Then he wanted to go to a much more exquisite looking Japanese place in the shopping mall, which had an even longer line. Eventually we settled for the food court. I managed to be good, going for sushi, and he had a pie.

At times during conversation I thought we had nothing to say because he had stopped playing basketball. But we did seem to manage by talking about Bo and our last couple of grand finals. I found out he broke up with his girlfriend, who was 21, and I told him that the maturity gap there was too large.

On Friday I had lunch with Maria - sorta. I knew Genie was busy in court, and I was content with spending my lunch hour by myself doing whatever, but an hour before I messaged Maria and she surprisingly said ok. I thought she'd be reluctant to come without Genie, but the fact that she said yes made me think maybe I had a chance.

When I met her, she said she had already eaten earlier but wanted to come out for a walk. I gave her an easter egg which I bought her earlier. We sat in the park in front of the water, talking, as I ate my pasta. Conversation seemed to go ok, but she has this inherent awkwardness about her, which can be kinda cute, but frustrating if you're trying to flirt.

After I finished eating she suggested going for a walk, so we went down to the fountain and I walked her halfway back. I wanted to walk her all the way back but she was the one who suggested I head back, so I did. A bit discouraging. I also realised during the walk that we were heading towards Victoria's building, and I wondered if she could look out a window and see us. Nah.

After work I was meant to go to the gym, but got lazy and went home. But I was actually meant to do something else as well. Remember that girl I called Biscuit, who I paid $1300 to spend a night with, and I did it twice? Well I was content to just 'drift off' her radar, but after like six weeks without seeing her, she messaged me wanting me to see her. I had put it off before, but more out of politeness than anything, I said I'd try to see her on Friday.

On Wednesday night I finally texted her and lied, saying I had put down a deposit for a property so I didn't have the money to see her anymore, although if she ever needed any help I was here for her. I didn't want to piss her off, as you never know what people could do (ie. she could storm into my office and tell the truth), so I wanted to leave on a good note. She just said "okok" and that was it.

So there, I saved myself $1300.

Also yesterday, I met up with Nick and Mike for basketball. Initially it was supposed to be at the courts near me, but it was raining so Nick drove me to Syd Uni, where Mike found us, and we got to train on their mad indoor court for free for about 90 minutes. We finished with a game of two on two, and I had to guard Mike's brother. I swear, I felt soooo old and slow! Remember that crossover that Iverson did on Michael Jordan? Well, I now realised a new dimension to it: Jordan must've felt heavy legs, and it would've been a lot more effort for him to move as quickly as he did.

Anyway, I digress. After basketball I could've easily gone to the casino. It was tempting. I had the whole night as an opportunity. But it was raining, and that discouraged me a little bit. Although in the past, it certainly didn't seem like a deterrent.

So in an alternate universe, I could've blown $1300 on Biscuit, and $2000 last night at the casino.

But I didn't.

And I think that fact needs to be appreciated more. Not as a specific thing, but more as a general thing, meaning, we should appreciate that negative things could've happened but didn't. If we all did this more, maybe we'd learn to appreciate the things we do have in life.

But why let the alternate universe theory stop there? Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like right now if Shuing had never taken me to the casino? And if John had never taken me to a brothel? What if only one of them had ever happened? Would one have led to the other anyway? Would I really have been a clean skin had those two events not happened? Maybe some other vice would've reared its ugly head?

27,600 is the number

Yesterday I didn't go bush walking with Matt and Aaron, as I thought it'd rain so I cancelled, even though they told me they would still go.

Instead, I went to the gym early in the morning, then basically spent the rest of the day at home playing Last of Us. I did want to go for a jog, but just put it off for way too long. If I had to take any day off, yesterday was a good time to do so, because I received the stuff I bought from Korea for Lina, and also the silver coin Hung suggested I buy to flip. When I showed the coin to my mom, she said she wanted it, and went as far as taking it off me and trying not to give it back. Which was basically stealing. Again, it reminded me of the time Jin (jokingly?) took my money and didn't give it back until I insisted.

I spent today thinking about what type of easter chocolate I could get for Victoria. She told me on Sunday that she likes the Lindt cafe, so I thought I'd go there. But then at lunch I remembered there was a chocolate store at QVB as well, so I ended up going there. Turns out that one is Haighs, not Lindt. There were a few things I could've gotten for her, but thought there was a potential for this to reflect poorly on me when she told me she likes Lindt and I go and buy her Haighs.

So I trekked back to around my office to go to the Lindt cafe. I browsed for a bit, and can you believe they sell a 1kg chocolate rabbit for $99? Far out. Although that was something I had in mind, I sure as hell wasn't going to spend $99 on it (and didn't want her finding that out either, because spending too much money too soon shows over-interest).

I ended up buying this big egg in a presentation box for $32. I felt quite happy as I was carrying it back to the office.

As the day wore on, the devil started talking to me.

You want to go to the gym after work, but you don't want to go straight after at 5pm as it'll be too busy.

You need something to do to pass some time.

I wanted to push that voice out of my head so hard. I think I initially succeeded, but then got the idea that I could distract myself by going to see a girl for an hour. Spending $250 would be better than losing $2000. I browsed on Wechat and found one, although she wanted my number and I didn't want to give it to her. So gambling it was.

But what about the bank telling you not to touch that money until the middle of this month? Screw it.

But what about your dad's tragic past and the value of money? I'll help him by winning some money.

I told myself that winning $400 would be enough, but as I neared the casino, that thought bubble stretched to "win the whole $30,000 back if you're on a roll".

I went in and looked for a table. They were either busy or completely empty - except one where there was an Asian dealer and an Asian man playing by himself. Pretty much as soon as I approached, the man lost his last chips and left. I got a bit of a bad vibe from the dealer, which was confirmed when I won my first spin. He watched the wheel and when it landed in my section, he said "lucky", as if to mean I should've lost, but I was lucky not to.

I was up $280 after that. I lost $80, then won pretty much every other spin I selectively played. At one point I was up $1600, and considered leaving. I played one more and won, and now I was up $2080. There was a dealer change. The Asian dealer didn't even look at me when he left. He had been talking to an observer whilst I was there, and I think he gambled too. He said he lost money the other day, and I think he wanted me to lose too.

With the new dealer, I sat there thinking a bit before cashing out. I had doubled my money, I told myself. That was pretty good. I had won back $2000 of the last $2800 I lost.

My personal loan currently stands at $30,600. Now that I had won $2000, and given tomorrow is pay day where I can pay off another $1000, the loan would be reduced to $27,600. I had been at this mark before, and remembered thinking there was 'something' that stood out about the figure 27,600. I don't know what, but it almost seemed like a number of destiny. And with my last gamble, I was back at that number.

Library session with Victoria

On Friday I was supposed to meet Cameron, Genie and Melissa for "after work drinks". Despite the history of these events with Melissa involved, I seemed confident that it would go ahead. I mean, I had no reason to believe otherwise. I should've known better.

I emailed Genie asking for the time to meet, and she said she and Melissa had forgotten that they were to go to chamber drinks at 5pm, but that they would come to our drinks at about 5:30pm. That should've been enough of a hint for me, but I still believed it.

It kinda suited me in a way, because at 4pm Paul came to me to ask if I was joining them for Roy's farewell drinks, so I went. Surprisingly Roy caught my eye from across the room and waved at me, although I didn't talk to him through the entire night. It was a bit sad because he was on the interview panel that hired me.

At first I was with the lawyers, but they started talking to this lawyer from another agency and I felt left out, so I briefly sat down to check my phone before joining Chris and Paul. I managed to talk to Chris for a long time, before talking to Aaron for the rest of the time.

At about 6pm, I left and called Genie. She apologised and said they had actually just left the office now and were heading for the chambers drinks. I wasn't pissed off because I was tired anyway, but I was annoyed. This was yet another failure by Melissa.

I went to JB Hifi to look for Shuing's present but couldn't find anything. I then went back to the office to change and then went to the gym.

I also had lunch with Ele earlier in the day. When she first saw me she told me about a company she had mentioned before. She said they were getting government approval again so the share price should go up. I said this happened before and the government changed it's mind, and she said the government had changed it's mind again. I asked if it was public information and she said yes.

By the time we sat down, the conversation got a bit emotional, all at my doing. I first talked about a news article I saw about "hatches" in China where people go to leave their unwanted children - unwanted for whatever reason, whether it's because of money, illness etc.

I then had a whinge to her about my mom, how she reacted when I gave her the gold coin. I was headed to tell her about my dad's past, but didn't quite get there. She started telling me about how her mother was similar. I felt we had a real connection when I told her that we, as Asians, had been brought up to care for our parents, but we now live in a Western culture where kids grow up to look out for themselves, and it was hard for us to find a balance between them.

She almost started crying at one stage, so I tried to change the topic and had a whinge about how negative and serious Shuing was all the time. It seemed like one of those meetings where we couldn't stop talking, but eventually we had to part.

On Saturday morning, I went to the courts. I met A there as arranged, and we first shot around a bit while talking about his new job at Energizer. He also told me about how he got tendinitis in his shoulder about a week after our previous basketball competition finished.

We played a few full court games with the other guys there before A left at 10. I stayed and played more games. I had a few thoughts during the games, the first one occurred as I was trotting back on defence and heard a stampede of people running in my direction. It seemed like this was basically a meet up to do some sort of group fitness activity. Secondly, as I looked around, I wondered if this was where 'old' basketball players went to die - too old to play competition against younger players, yet young enough to still run and gun.

I ended up staying there till about 1pm, by which time my legs were totally dead. The last two games I played, I probably shouldn't have. I was basically walking around, as I just didn't have the legs to run anymore. I wondered how back in the days I managed to stay on the court for eight hours straight.

When I got home, I was so buggered that I ended up sleeping after taking a shower. Although I had intentions of going to the gym, I just couldn't picture myself having enough energy to do so.

Yesterday, I met up with Victoria at the library at noon to study. She messaged me at 11:36 am saying she was already there. I walked there as it drizzled a bit, and spent a bit of time looking for her even though she told me where she was sitting. When I found her, I realised I had previously walked passed her earlier.

I had imagined myself greeting her with "Madam Cha" but my first words ended up being "oh, I walked right passed you before".

Yeah, real smooth you idiot.

She was seated on a stool, facing the window, with people very close to us. I felt uncomfortable at first because it meant we couldn't talk. I sat down and started taking my things out to see what I could give her. I gave her the bounded copies of the legislation I bought and some notes I had. She asked me how much the legislation was and I knew she wanted to give me the money for it, so I said I couldn't remember. She seemed really thankful for it.

Eventually I suggested moving to the main library, which she agreed to do. This was for twofold: first so we could talk, and secondly so we wouldn't bump into Albert. However, she surprised me a bit when she said she wanted to drive up there instead of walk. So we walked out to the main road. I wondered what car she drove. Definitely a small car, I thought.

I saw a small green Porsche, one of the really old models, and was about to tease her by asking if that was her car, but refrained. Then she swerved off the footpath and headed towards a white BMW. I don't know what model it was, but it looked pretty damn modern. I was shocked. My first thought was she must've had rich parents. I was going to make a comment about it but instead, just quietly put my bag in the back seat.

I asked if she had an idea as to where to park, and she said the university car park was free on the weekend. I did not know that.

We went to the 8th floor of the library after parking, and I suggested sitting down in the open area, but she wanted to sit in the quieter, individual tables. So we sat one table apart, with a girl in between us. At first I couldn't focus. I felt too sleepy, and was just playing on my phone. Eventually I managed to force myself to re-write the old notes I had made when previously preparing for the exam.

I assumed she had already eaten, but told myself to go get a chocolate bar for her at 3pm. At 2pm she came up to me and asked if I wanted to go for lunch.

Ummm...sure!

We left our stuff there and went down to the food court. The only thing that was open was an Indian take away. I didn't think she was too keen on it, but there seemed to be no other alternative, I mentioned going to the Wick but it would've been a hassle to drive there, and it was raining as well. So we settled for that and she said she was paying as a favour for me giving her the legislation. I resisted at first but she wouldn't let me pay, so she paid.

We actually had a lot to talk about as we ate. At first we talked about our exams, then work, then her background. She said she initially lived at Rhodes with her younger brother, but then he got sent to Korea for the army. She then moved to Bondi. She said she has an older sister too. She said she was the youngest child for a while but her father wanted a son, and there's like a 10 year gap between her and her brother.

She told me she went to watch the baseball a few weeks ago. She said she wanted to see the Korean pitcher, but he only played on the Sunday whereas she went on a Saturday.

She also told me about the tv series Suits, and said she was watching that now. I asked if she downloaded it and she said she couldn't find the links, so she bought it lol. She looked up at the rain which had just started again, and said she'd drive me home. I had no objections.

She didn't finish her food, which made me think she didn't like it that much. She did mention doing lunch during the week, and I said we can go to DJ's which she had mentioned before.

As we walked out of the food court, she told me about the lunch we had before. She said she knew the guys sitting behind me, and were making faces at her. I asked her who they were, she said one of them she went to law school with, and the other was a Registrar who worked with her. She said after I left, she went to talk to them and they were making fun of her because they thought she was dating.

We went back to study, and I was recharged a bit. At about 5:20pm she saw me packing up and she said she was ready to go too. She said her sister had called, and when she returned, saw me packing up. I asked if she had any plans, and she said she had to clean and vacuum her house. She asked why and I suggested going to Max Brenna, as she said before that she liked it (she said all girls liked chocolate, and I thought about Lina, who said she doesn't).

She seemed hesitant, and I asked if she was still full from lunch (I was) and she said yes, so I said we can go next time. As we were driving back, we passed Max Brenna and she made a sound like she wanted to stop lol. I asked if she was used to driving such a big car, and she said she didn't think it was big. She said she was used to driving bigger, as she had an SUV in the US.

During the drive, she said I was a really nice guy. My 'emotional meter' spiked, and I froze, not knowing what to say. I calmly said I thought she was a very nice person too. I don't think that gave her the impression that I didn't like her.

As we approached my house, I mentioned how we might see my cats. She said she had a cat too, called Mewey, and showed me some photos on her phone. We talked about that for a bit before I left.

Thinking about how if she has rich parents, how it makes me feel so guilty about having blown so much money away in my life so far.

Sigh.

Happiest rejection ever?

Tuesday
Continuing on with my new found motivation to wake up early, I left home at like 5:40am on Tuesday to drive to basketball. I hadn't arranged with Nick to see him there; I assumed he'd be there and I would surprise him. I also didn't want to let him down again, hence why I didn't tell him. I had bought a four pack of Gatorade to give to him to apologise for not making it the previous week.

When I got there, I paid my entry fee and asked the lady if a tall, 30 year old guy came here last week. She responded, rather rudely I thought, that she didn't know as she sees hundreds of people go in and out. What I meant was, whether she saw a 30 year old guy come here last week at around the same time. I chided myself for the rest of the morning for not specifying that, but also wondered if she was at fault for not getting it?

Anyway, I didn't see Nick there, and thought I would just train by myself. I ended up making myself make 30 three pointers before leaving. I didn't have my phone or the time with me, so decided that (based on Monday morning) that I'd leave when the sun started to rise, which I did.

I messaged Nick later and he said he had to go to work early, and I noted that he didn't suggest doing it next week.

My lunch plan was to go and buy a small gold coin for my mom's birthday. Just before I was about to leave, Geni called me and asked if I was free to meet up, as she had just had her interview for the SLO position. She sounded a bit distressed, so I said yes.

We met up and she started telling me about how hard the interview was and how much she screwed up. I know this is going to sound bad, but whilst I felt sorry for her, I couldn't help but think that she didn't deserve the SLO position anyway. Maybe this goes back to the days when we 'competed' for the same position?

I took her to the gold shop with me and bought the coin for $200. As soon as we walked out she told me to keep it safe in my pocket, as she had seen someone else drop it multiple times. We walked a bit more before parting near my office.

When I got home, the first thing I did was give the gold coin to my mom. Her first response was "why didn't you get a bigger one?" It reminded me of Jin so much, it almost hurt me, but then I realised how lucky I was to have avoided the bullet. My dad, on the other hand, had the same line of thinking as me, and said "just be happy he bought it for you at all".

Wednesday
On Wednesday I had lunch with Anthony. He was similar to me in that he would usually bring lunch in from home, so he wasn't sure where to eat either. We ended up going to Subway at the Myer food court, which suited me perfectly.

We caught up a lot. I re-discovered that he had finished uni a few years after me, and I remembered that was because he had to become a Mormon or something. After that he was an Associate for a bit in the Federal Court, and then got a job where he is now at CISA. He said he was in the retail insurance and banking sector or something, and told me he did consider accepting a redundancy a while back but since he had a family, he wasn't so sure about it.

As we ate and talked, Stanley came up to greet me and I gave him my number. I haven't seen him in ages either.

The lunch with Anthony went for quite a while before we decided to head back. We said we'd do it again, but not sure if he really wanted to or if he was just being polite.

At night, I went to our 9pm basketball game. I was expecting much the same as last week, where Andrew would hold the ball 70% of the time, and Alex would come on for me at the last 10 minutes of the game, so I basically prepared myself for a night of sitting down by eating an early dinner. Yes, it has come to this now, where I anticipate a night of sitting down and being the back up to a back up.

But surprisingly, when I got there, Mike told me that both Andrew and Alex weren't coming. My reaction betrayed me, and Mike was like "haha look at his face" as I was overjoyed lol. As I stood on the court moments before tip off, I suddenly regretted eating earlier.

Given I was now playing point guard again instead of Andrew, ball movement immediately improved. On my first possession I passed it to Mike's brother Kevin who instantly hit a shot. It didn't stop there, ball movement was almost contagious as we kept passing it around and running fast breaks. In the first half I hit 4/4 shots for eight points - my best game in a long time.

I didn't score or shoot in the second half, but dished out more assists. In the end we got a bit silly with turnovers because we had a 10+ points lead. After the game it didn't need to be said, but everyone was saying how good it was to play like last season's team again. Kevin said even the guy on the other team said we had good ball movement.

Thursday
On Thursday afternoon, I got a call from the clerk at MB chambers. She told me that "regretabbly" they weren't looking for any readers for October, and encouraged me to re-apply for 2015.

As this relieved me of the scenario where I'd have to resign six months into a three year contract from a place I enjoy working at, this may have been the happiest rejection of all time.

As always, I will have to see how the remaining exam in June goes, and then life will unfold from there...