Palm Beach with Erica and Jin Ju

On Saturday morning I went to the courts with my agility ladder and worked out a bit. I felt so...free! To know that I didn't have to conserve my energy for a game the next day meant I could do whatever the hell I wanted. I warmed up with suicides, shot around a bit and then used some ladder drills to set off a medium paced run up and down the court. It felt good.

Anyway, when I woke up on Sunday I saw some messages from Erica, saying she had made the food and she went to sleep at 5am. She also asked me to call at 11am. So after playing some GTA V and surfing the net, I started getting ready for our picnic. I got dressed and made sure I had things like beach towels, the alcohol, and the present I was going to give her (that little crystal statue I got for free by mistake when I ordered the small jewellery handbag).

I called at 11am, and on the second attempt she answered sleepily then hung up. I called up half an hour later because I thought she went back to sleep, and she now sounded wide awake, saying she was just washing. Later she messaged me saying to meet at 2pm which disappointed me, as I was all ready to go, but I suppose it may have just been a misunderstanding on my part.

Whilst I waited, I got another message from her asking if her friend Jin Ju could come. I kinda wanted just a romantic time for the two of us, but I couldn't really say no, so I said sure.

I drove out there and was like five minutes late, which resulted in a phone call from her asking where I was. I picked them both up, gave them the chilli chocolate I bought the other day and off we went. I had compiled a CD earlier whilst waiting of some Korean pop/ballad songs mixed with some English songs for the trip. I earned some points when it turned out that she liked a few of the songs, and she seemed surprised that I found them. In reality, I had just googled things like "best Korean ballad songs".

For most of the trip they were just speaking in Korean, but two things stood out for me:

1. She brought up the conversation we had the night before when I said she should go try on a wedding dress we saw at a bridal store whilst driving, and asked why I said that. I said "for fun". In hindsight, she may hold this against me in the future and say something about me not being serious.

2. She said Jin Ju was looking for a boyfriend and asked if I had any handsome single friends. This brought up a fresh issue for me - could I introduce my friends to a working girl? Even if I asked her or her friend not to disclose their secret lives, it would surface eventually. Hmmm.

Jin Ju had asked me if I had ever been to Palm Beach and I said no. But as we arrived, I realised I actually had - for Shuing's 30th birthday getaway. Now things looked familiar.

I parked and as soon as they got out of the car they went to the surf shop which looked like it was designed for tourists. They asked me to get two cokes for them, so I did as well as a Sprite for myself. We set up camp in a sunny spot nearby and sat down. It was nice. Erica had made this soup which she almost immediately poured into a cup for me. To be honest that wasn't too great, but maybe because it was supposed to be hot.

She also made two boxes of sushi, which was (luckily) pretty good. It was so nice to just sit there in the sun, and do nothing but drink and eat sushi. Oh yeah, and to be with her :) She looked a bit funny with her robocop foot cast on in the sand lol.

I think Jin Ju wanted a bit more excitement. On the way there she had asked about badminton, but of course, it's not like I keep badminton gear readily available in the car. She seemed to suggest that this wasn't as crowded as Bondi and therefore not as good, and Erica went with it. I dunno, I kinda enjoyed how there weren't too many people.

I laid down for a bit while they talked, then later on Jin Ju went for a smoke behind us. Erica took off her cast and I could see that it was still bruised a lot. I said "that must hurt a lot..." and she told me to "shhh" as she did not want to talk about it.

Later on she went for a smoke with Jin Ju as well, then asked me to take her to the bathroom. So I walked with her there, and then returned. She asked me to carry her onto the sand which I did and she screamed out playfully. We also got to take some photos too, which turned out pretty well.

After a while Jin Ju seemed to get bored and wanted to go. Erica asked her where she wanted to go, and she pointed to some hill tops which were in sight but seemed kinda far away. I said yes anyway, but got lost on the way there and ended up coming back. That was a bit embarrassing but I decided to joke along with it.

Anyway, we headed back to the city, stopping at a service station on the way as Erica needed to use the bathroom. I asked if they wanted to go for ice cream or tea, but Erica countered with karaoke, so karaoke it was.

We went to the same karaoke place we went to last time with Ash and Suri. Going up the stairs, Jin Ju apologised for having me pay for everything and said she'd buy dinner next time. I said it was ok. Erica said she had no money either and I joked "ok go home" and she joked back about why I said ok to her friend but not to her lol.

Karaoke this time was surprisingly cheap - $24 including three drinks. If I remember correctly, last time was almost $200. Erica said it was because we weren't ordering any food this time. She asked for a fruit salad plate which was $35 and I showed her my wallet and said I didn't have any money as I only had $25 left.

We went into the room and I sat with Erica as Jin Ju sat on the other side. They sang a song and then asked me to sing. I didn't really want to, but Jin Ju suggested a Mariah Carey song as I had one on my CD in the car. So I decided to make a fool out of myself and sang one, which had both of them laughing.

I think we were in there for about an hour. I was hugging Erica and she seemed to enjoy it, and when the hour was up we left and I drove them home.

The big grocery shop

On Friday night I had messaged Erica saying I'd like to have lunch with her the next day. It wasn't read until the next day, so obviously I was worried, given her previous status update about standing at a veranda and looking out.

She later read it at around noon and didn't reply. I asked if we could meet today. She didn't reply to that either. I asked her to tell me what was happening as I was worried. She said she wasn't happy as she needed to be in a cast for six more weeks, and also that rent money was due soon.

Great...the money thing again.

I asked how much and she said $1200 for two weeks. I asked her to come out to talk and she said no. I asked if she wanted to see me and she said no, not today. I asked her out to lunch for tomorrow and she didn't reply. These were my feeble attempts at seeing if she'd come out with me even if no money was involved.

Then I thought about it.

Fuck, what if she dumps me over this? Or she finds another guy willing to pay her rent money? Then I've effectively wasted $25000 because I wasn't willing to pay another $3600 for six weeks?

Yes, I was in panic mode now. Insecurity mode. Desperation mode.

I said I'd help with the rent money. She didn't reply for a while. She then said Australia was too hard for her, something about cost of living, that she had no family here, her body was no good and she had no friends. She said she felt alone. I tried to comfort her but don't think it helped. She said "words do not help". She then said something about me always using many words, and I joked "bad lawyer :)" which seemed to lighten the mood.

At about 5:30pm I was playing GTA V when she called, saying she needed to go grocery shopping and asking if I could help. I said ok, and she said there'd be many things to buy and asked if that was ok. I said yes. I guess I was just desperate again. The other thing is, Jim and I had discovered this Korean supermarket on Thursday before our game and after our gym session, and I really wanted to take Erica there, so I suggested we go to North Strathfield and she said ok.

So at about 6pm I drove out there to pick her up. There was a Korean guy parked outside in a Camry and I figured he was some Korean courier. When she came out I was surprised to see she wasn't on crutches. Now her cast had been changed to a big metal boot. She approached the Camry and said a few words, so looks like I was right. She was wearing this extremely long white t-shirt which had 'BIKE' on the front.

She came into my car and I started driving off. It was a bit quiet at first, and then it got a bit heated as she talked about her mom, that I asked her to come out to talk when she wasn't happy. I said I was worried she'd kill herself and she did say she thought about it. Things started getting better as we drove along. She didn't seem to like my Girls Generation CD, saying the songs were old (admittedly from 2005) and then started playing some male singer Korean ballard song from her phone.

She said she went to the doctor on Thursday instead of Wednesday. She was asked if she wanted surgery, and because she didn't, she had to use the 'Robocop' metal shoe.

She said when she told her friend she was going to Strathfield, her friend suggested a really nice Japanese restaurant and so she wanted us to go there for dinner afterwards.

Great, now I have to pay for grocery AND dinner.

When we stepped inside the store, her eyes lit up and I could tell she liked it. She even said she liked it. It made me happy to have chosen something she liked. I did think about the risk that she wouldn't like it, and figured we could go to one elsewhere.

So we pushed the trolley through the isles and she had a shopping list. I was a bit worried about how much all this would cost, and only had about $500 in the bank. Surely she couldn't buy more than $500 worth of groceries, right?

She got a lot of stuff, and I got like three things for myself. In the middle of it she suggested we go for our picnic the next day so she was buying stuff for that too. I must admit, it was kinda fun doing this, albeit expensive. I guess I like feeling like a couple.

When we went to the register, it felt like some sort of game show where I had to get as much of the stuff from the trolley onto the sliding thing as fast as I could with the cashier processing it as fast as possible. There was so much stuff. It all came to a total of $330 so I was ok.

She also bought some alcohol as well. This is when one of those 'moments' happened for me. The receptionist gave me the receipt, and as I already had a few things in my hand, I offered to put the receipt in the plastic bag Erica was holding. She said no, that she didn't like it. I put it in anyway and she gave me a death stare. I took it back out thinking "why do I put up with this shit".

Anyway, I dismissed it as something trivial (but I'm sure it'll come up in the list of reasons for leaving if I ever come to that) and we left, putting all the stuff into my car.

She called Suri and had me speak to her for a bit. Apparently Suri had been to this supermarket before and wanted to come next time.

We went for dinner and there was a bit of drama about that too. I couldn't find parking near the restaurant so suggested she get off there and wait because of her foot (I didn't want her walking too much) and she didn't want that. She didn't want to go into the restaurant first and wait while I parked at the shopping centre, so we ended up going to the shopping centre together.

We found the restaurant her friend suggested. Apparently she wanted some sort of fish which cost $150 per kilogram, and even she thought that was too expensive so we left. I'm not sure if she wanted to leave because it was too expensive for her, or too expensive for my unemployed situation.

We went to one that was next door to the one we went to last time. We ordered a hot pot which was a little spicy so it was nice. She was messaging Suri back and forth, and I started to check fb on my phone and she kept interfering with it. It was her way of telling me not to play on my phone during dinner. I thought about the "but you're doing the same thing" argument but knew that would just start a fight. She later said Suri was messaging her but she asked her to stop as she was having dinner.

She also said Suri wanted to come to Strathfield for dinner on Wednesday. I asked what time and she said what does it matter as I now have free time.

She doesn't trust me completely.

I explained that I was trading shares between 10am to 4pm from home and hoped she didn't pick 4pm to test me. She said 6pm so phew.

I saw another couple sitting at a few tables away from us and saw the guy comforting his girlfriend by stroking her face as she seemed to panic about something. I wondered if it was always women who create drama in a relationship.

Later on, this tall dark guy came into the restaurant and sat at the table next to us. He caught my attention because he was tall, and because he was by himself. During his meal he said something in Korean which caught Erica's attention because she was surprised he could speak Korean. He told us he had lived in Korea for two years and then started talking to us.

Although Erica made the initial 'contact', it seemed that she left me to do the talking from there. We wandered in and out of our conversation as I wasn't too interested in talking to him and wondered what motives he had. Maybe I was just being insecure, but I thought he may have been trying to pick up Erica. Sometimes I wish she wasn't so friendly.

I sized the guy up and figured he'd be a lot stronger than me - he was not only tall, but quite built. But I figured I'd have to have a go anyway.

He said some things which seemed a bit weird to me, like he would drive to the city and eat ice cream by himself. Either this guy was a total loner or was hiding something. I had no doubt he was into brothels and probably Korean girls. He just had a bit of a strange vibe about him.

Anyway, Erica was gesturing for me to go, and I thought "great, thanks for starting the conversation then". So I went to pay and then came back and the guy chatted with us a bit more before we left. Erica was a bit drunk by now and was holding her and she kept jumping up and down lol. I told her the guy was a bit weird and she said when I left to pay, he asked her if I was her boyfriend. Then out of the corner of my eye I spotted the guy walking behind us. I wanted to stop with Erica so he could walk past us instead of 'following us'.

So I held her as she smoked, and continued jumping up and down, completely oblivious to what my concerns were even though I tried to tell her. I saw the guy cross the road and get into his car after standing around for a bit. Erica kept rubbing herself against me and was now creating a bit of a scene. She wanted me to carry her and I said no and we walked back to my car. We saw a lingerie store on the way and she told me she had three sets of lingerie and wanted six. She told me her bust size was 32A.

On the drive back she spoke to her Uncle's daughter or Uncle's sister and had me speak on the phone to her for a bit. Then she spoke/texted someone else and asked me "do you know 127?" and I knew by that she meant her shop. I said yes and she asked if we could go there to pick up her friend Jin Ju.

I joked that she could wait in the car and I'd go in and she got a bit angry at that but also found it funny lol. When we got there, it did bring back some unexpected memories of all the times I'd walk through the alleyway to get to the shop. She said she needed to go to the toilet and went into the shop. I wondered what that would look like, with a girl who works there, on 'sick leave' walking in with a metal shoe lol.

I waited a while before they came out. I gave her friend one of the cakes I had in my car and was surprised she took it. Erica told me her friend's name and I was like "I know" but I think it was her way of trying to get me to make conversation. Whenever there was a bit of silence Erica would say something, which I liked.

I dropped them off and helped take the groceries to the lifts and then went home.

My decision to leave Kainan

It was already a somewhat borderline decision to play next season. A while ago I had told MJ that I didn't want to play next season, but he told me he wanted me to play, or else the team would be broken up. I was somewhat adamant about my position, but then One announced he wouldn't play next season. This, of course, changed things substantially. On top of that, we had just come second, and I wanted the next team trophy.

Even though we'd be in Division 3, I was at least a little hopeful that we could compete. But then a few days ago, Kim emailed saying that two "strong" teams had entered Division 3, and because there weren't enough teams in Division 2, some Division 3 teams would be playing Division 2 teams. So she gave us an option - stay in Division 2, or go into the "strong" half of Division 5. She wanted a reply asap.

ASAP. So being the captain, I made the executive decision to nominate for Division 5 before it could be taken by anyone else. She confirmed.

I then told the team on facebook. For a while I didn't get any replies, and thought maybe I had achieved quiet consensus. Then later Bert replied, saying he wasn't "keen" on playing Division 5. He said he wanted the team to improve and the only way to do this was to play against stronger teams, not weaker teams. I don't disagree with that premise per se, but I thought it was ironic coming from a guy who turned up to the grand final with a hang over and is prone to miss games. Don't forget, he's already booked to go on a holiday with MJ in November - playoff time. So he wants to enter us into the harder division, and then piss off when we make it to the playoffs?

Who was he to go against my decision? I'm not blaming him for our grand final loss, but I feel that if he hadn't of been hung over, he wouldn't have missed those first few baskets he attempted, which just happened to roll out.

Anyway, with one objection I could bear. I expected it anyway, since he had been the one pushing for us to go into a higher division. I had also said in my reasoning for my decision, that we had been there before - playing in a tougher division and losing, it was no fun. On the other hand, if we were winning, at least everyone would be happy. Also, if we really did want to improve, we'd have to have training, and as experience has shown, no one shows up to training.

For a while there was no reply, and I assumed that, if I didn't get support from others, their silence would at least ensure Bert and I were in a tie.

But then Alex chipped in with his two cents. As soon as I read the words "I agree with Bert", I felt cheated on. Now it was two against one. He went on to say he didn't really care, but that he'd prefer to lose to a better team than win against a worse team, and that the only important thing was that our team played well.

What does that mean anyway? That he scores 20+ points while everyone else watches? When has he ever played "team" ball?

I felt cheated on for a couple of reasons:

1) I had been playing with him for longer, so expected him to side with me and not Bert.
2) I gave him the team trophy, so at least be fucking grateful for that fact.

Also, it seems that everything I do as captain, managing the team, chasing up fees, organising uniforms, just seems to be forgotten. I don't make money off the uniforms like Alex does. I don't ask for compensation for the petrol or time I use to travel to get the uniforms. Ungrateful bastards.

So I have been thinking about it over the last couple of days. The conclusion I've reached is that there are more reasons to quit than to continue playing:

1. If you play in the harder division, you are almost guaranteed you will not come first or second - so why risk your knee? Don't forget, you came back only on the premise that there'd be a realistic chance of winning because you'd be risking your knee. Now you want to risk it for these ungrateful bastards?

2. Save money. I now have to repay $27000 - I sure could save $150 instead of spending it on an unhappy season.

3. For a while now I've wanted to free up my weekend. I want to train hard on Saturdays, and I can't do that because my games will be the next day and I'd be too sore.

4. Related to above, I want to get my game back. I want to get my shot back, and with games on Sundays, I just can't afford to expend all my energy on Saturdays.

5. I need a break from basketball. I've needed one for a while.

Why should I play? To win and get a team trophy. That's not going to happen in Division 3.

And all this goes back to the ultimate issue I had with Bo - difference in goals and values. Bo wanted to have fun more than to win. I wanted to win. Now these guys are saying what's most important is "playing well as a team", even if that means losing to better teams. If I was 21, sure, I'd put up with that. But I'm 31, my time to win is now. No more time for trying to build a team.

And with that ultimate difference, it's time to call it quits on Kainan.

5th tranche and...?

So today I had to meet Jin to give her the fifth tranche and continue the lie.

At lunch I changed into my gym gear and went to the bank to withdraw $5000. As I was walking to her apartment, she called me, and I said I'd be there in a minute and asked her to come down. When I arrived there was some renovating being done on the entrance so I just walked through a door that was made open for people coming in and out, and sat on the couch.

She came down soon after and sat next to me. I asked if she was hungry and she said she hadn't eaten, but I said I didn't have money for lunch, showing her only my $10 in my wallet. She asked if I was going to basketball and I said yes. She asked where it was and I said The Rocks, and asked if she knew where it was. She said no and I asked if she remembered where we went for pancakes and she said yes.

I said I was impressed with her on Sunday night, and she asked why. I said because she went a whole night without smoking. She said she sometimes did that in Korea. I told her I said to Ash he could borrow my car if he needed to take Suri's parents around and she said she knew. I asked if Ash had gone back to Perth and she said she didn't know as she was staying with Jin Ju.

I gave her the envelope and said that was the last one until I found a new job. She nodded. I again asked if she wanted lunch. She thought about it and said she couldn't use the money in the envelope as that was for Korea.

She said she wanted to go shopping for groceries so she could make food tonight for our picnic tomorrow. I said good because I originally thought she wanted to go clothes shopping, but I told her I had no money. She suggested going tonight and I said ok. I asked her what time the doctor's appointment was tomorrow and she said 10am. The plan was to go see the doctor tomorrow and then we'd go picnic.

I said I had my grand final in basketball tomorrow at 7pm and asked if she wanted to come and she said no.

She said the concierge didn't like people staying at the couch too long so we parted and she went back up to her apartment and I returned to work.

After work I went to the gym, and then on the way home I texted her, sending a picture of Megaman saying that was what I thought of everytime I saw her foot in a cast. I went home and got changed to meet her. I went to the bathroom and then headed out. I checked my messages and they still hadn't been read. I decided to call her to let her know I'd be there in 20 minutes. No answer.

I called her a few more times as I got closer to her apartment. Still no answer. I drove around for a while trying to find parking, and then ultimately settled for the pick up zone right outside her apartment. I called her a gazillion times and there was still no answer. I started to panic.

Has she cut me off because she has received what she thinks is the final payment?

Is this it? Is this really how it ends?

No, it can't be. If she wanted to end things, she'd tell me, not just do the disappearing act. That's not her. Besides, if she had really planned to ditch you, then why the picnic?

Maybe because it wasn't going to be a picnic at all. Maybe she just wanted to use you one last time for some free groceries.

Well ok, if that's true, then why isn't she here for the free groceries and then she could do the disappearing act tomorrow morning? Or even after I pay for the doctor?

And if she really planned to leave me, why did she say no to basketball? Someone lying in that position would just nod and say "yeah yeah whatever".

So at least I had reason with me. I hadn't gone completely paranoid. I think this was a sign of trust that I had built. So my mind started wandering elsewhere.

What if her mother had died and she just got the shock of her life? She did say last time she fainted. What if she killed herself?

I waited till 8:30pm and then left. The thought of going punting or gambling because she had left me did cross my mind, but then I told myself that that wasn't the case.

So what's the deal? Only time will tell...

And I knew something like this would happen. I told Mob today that I had a girlfriend and needed to take tomorrow off to take her to see the doctor, and I just knew that if I made it 'official' by telling people then it would jinx it and things would end. I just fucking knew it.

Motel with Jin...

I was supposed to meet Jin on Friday night, but she cancelled due to sickness and asked to meet the next day. Fine by me, I thought, as I'd save money and get a whole night of GTA in. I ended up meeting Malay for a KFC pie and talking about GTA before going home to play it.

Then on Saturday she sent me this message:

"i cried last night..i feel so desporate these day....my face so terrible... we better see tomorrow.."

And so that made it Sunday then. After my Grand Final game. I was worried she'd be in a sour mood and I'd be elated over a Grand Final win, but (luckily?) it didn't turn out that way. I still wasn't sure how her mother's surgery went, as she never told me despite me asking.

So after Sunday's game I met up with her. I was afraid she'd cancel again, and it'd make me start wondering whether this was all a ploy to just get the last batch of money from me without spending any unnecessary time with me.

But she didn't cancel. In fact, although I didn't get it until it was too late and I had started driving, she sent me a message asking me to drink. I drove to her place and she said she wanted to go to the Korean restaurant next door, so I asked her to go in first and I'd find parking.

After parking I found her all alone in the restaurant next to Madang. She was wearing some fairly bright coloured skirt, which I guessed it was because it was getting quite hot these days. I gave her a lighter I bought earlier as I needed some coins for the parking meter. She seemed to appreciate it, only adding that it wasn't new when I said it was, because there were some scratches on it. She ordered the food and didn't seem depressed. I was still trying to feel out her mood and wanted to ask about her mother, but we made some small talk. She even asked me about my basketball, and I said we came second and showed her the photos, adding that I got hit in the jaw.

There were some laughs, so she was definitely ok, but I felt like I still needed to tread lightly. When the moment came, I asked about her mother. She said she had surgery but was asleep now for a long time and if she doesn't wake up in a week then it's very dangerous. I assumed she meant a coma.

I had been drinking bits of soju here and there and was really starting to feel it. My head started aching and I could feel my face going red.

She spoke on the phone with someone, and despite me asking if it was Suri, she said no and then later said Suri and Ash would join us. I was like ok, and then said I needed to go put more money in for parking. I joked that I was going home, which actually scared her because she yelled out saying she had no money and wanted me to make sure I was coming back, lol. Due to my drunkenness, I actually stumbled a bit as I turned around to leave.

When I came back I found Suri and Ash sitting where I had sat, and there was now a seat to Jin's left. I shook Ash's hand and was surprised Suri wanted to shake hands too. Almost immediately we got into laughs and easy talk. Yuri said she knew I lost my job and asked if I was ok. Ash said he had been made redundant before for six months and reassured me I'd get something. Despite the fact that this was all a lie, I still felt the natural sadness that came with losing one's job. Hmmm.

Suri told me that her name was Suri, named after Tom Cruise's daughter.

We played that game where you have to flick the thing off the soju cap. When it was my first go, I dropped the cap onto the ground and Yuri said that meant I needed to do a 'shot' of a half glass of beer. I didn't do it in one go, but I did fairly well I thought for a guy who doesn't like drinking. Needless to say, I felt completely fucked after this.

So for the rest of the game, I was hoping to God that either Ash or myself would win so I wouldn't have to drink. Luckily, Ash won, and we watched as Suri and Jin downed their beers. We played another game and this time it was more exciting, with me executing the final blow and Suri playfully accusing me of cheating lol. They downed their drinks again and I just thought about how lucky I was as I think I would've thrown up if I had to drink anymore.

Suri mentioned something about Jin having to move out cause her family was here. She said Ash was sleeping on the sofa, her and her mother were in her room, and her brother and someone else was in Jin's room. She said Jin was staying with Jin Jung and was cleaning and cooking, adding she did it for $200 a day. Not sure if that last bit was a joke.

Later Suri and Jin went out to smoke. Jin told Ash and I to talk lol. I decided to take this opportunity to 'scope' some things out. I said  heard he and Suri were no longer going to Bali and he said yeah, because now Suri wanted to go to Korea as her mom wanted Ash there. He also mentioned the fact that her family's stay here in Australia was longer than he expected. I told him about my grand final that day and showed him a photo. I later also asked him about video games and he said he has a PS3 and plays NBA2K and some other games I had heard of but didn't like, but was surprised he didn't like GTA. I told him I went to the midnight launch.

Suri came back and I asked if Jin was still smoking. She said she still smokes now, but less. I just nodded, and Ash clarified the question for her. She questioned why I didn't ask her again when her answer was wrong. I know that's a bad trait of mine, to just nod and say yeah even when I don't understand, and I had been caught out.

Jin came back and we all continued eating and talking, then Jin asked me to go out with her to smoke. We sat on the seats outside and she started talking about going to a motel for the night. I thought she was joking at first but she actually meant it. I had to think quickly - I had work the next day, but she obviously didn't know that. What do I do with my car? Should I call in sick the next day? Do I book the motel for one night or two? How do I tell my mom I wasn't coming home tonight?

So many questions. I actually seriously considered saying no, but in the end said yes. There was even talk about coming to my house, and I said my mom was home. She asked if I hadn't told my mom about her and I said I did (lie) but I couldn't just bring her home for a night without some preparation.

We went back into the restaurant and the bill came. I was eager to pay for it as they paid for it last time. There was a bit of a struggle between Suri and Jin, until I grabbed the receipt off Jin and went to pay. It was $170 which was ok (guess I am now used to these Korean restaurant prices). When I came back Suri said she felt bad (probably because according to her I was now unemployed) but I said it was ok.

There was talk about Jin staying with me for the night and I asked if I could park my car in their apartment as Ash had earlier volunteered that. Ash said yeah but then I began pondering again. There was suggestion of getting a Korean 'courier' to drive my car home for $60, but I didn't like that. In the end, I sought Ash's help and gave him my car key.

We sat outside the restaurant for a bit, and there was now more talk about whether Jin and I would go to a motel or my house. I heard Suri say something to Jin in Korean and Jin said "Korean style", so I assume it was something about sex. What was so bad about us having sex if we were a couple??

Anyway, they left for my car and Jin called a Korean courier to pick us up. She asked to go to a liquor place, which happened to be right next door to the motel I had in mind. We went into the liquor shop and she bought a bottle of wine, then we went to the Ibis where I pad $150 for a room for the night. While waiting for the paper work to be processed, she kept biting me right in front of the guy, so I felt a bit embarassed.

We had also bought some snacks from the Korean grocery store so I was expecting a night of snacks and drinking. I made sure to get a bottle of water. But when we got up there, all I could feel was my head pounding away due to the alcohol earlier. I really wanted to sleep but she asked me to sit on the chair. She straddled me and made a call on her phone as she started kissing me lightly. She asked me to say hello to whoever it was as I kissed parts of her and opened a pack of snacks. She drank some wine and gave me some, but it repelled me, probably because I had had enough. She had earlier spilt some on herself, and now she split some on me.

After the call we kissed and I would intersperse it with drinks of water. I finally lifted her up and carried her to the bed where we kissed more. She asked me to turn off the lights which I did, then we stripped naked and she got on top of me and we started having sex. I half wanted the sex, and half wanted to fall asleep. I could tell she was getting really passionate. I got on top of her but then she would later forcefully get back on top of me.

After a while we just stopped and went to sleep lol. Sometime later, we had sex again and this time I came. I actually came inside her, which I started regretting almost immediately but I think I was too drunk to care. We went back to half sleeping again. I don't think either of us got much sleep. She woke up at about 4am to watch some Korean drama on her phone. I knew for my part I'd sleep a bit, wake up, sleep a bit, and wake up. I think I wasn't used to sleeping with someone.

Later on, I think she got restless and playfully hit me on my head and body. I put up with it for a while before getting on top of her and kissing her. We had sex again but ended when she said she was tired, so I got off and went back to sleep. We were still kinda playful as I'd try to lift up the blanket to see her breasts and she'd playfully resist.

Finally my alarm went off. I ended up sleeping for another hour before showering. When I came out, she was already dressed. We checked out, and I picked up the car from Ash then picked up Jin, which took a while because I had to wait for Ash.

I went home, brushed my teeth and caught a bus out to work. Normal life back on. First day of this big lie.

I texted her a heart symbol and she asked me where I was and what I was doing today, despite me telling her at dinner before Suri and Ash arrived. I wondered if she was suspicious, or if I was being over-sensitive and that these were just normal questions.

Kainan Grand Final...

On Saturday I went to the girls school again to work on my shot. This time I decided to make all 110 shots instead of the 55. I did set shots just to make sure I wouldn't tire myself out, and even then, I had to question myself at mid-point as to whether I should continue. For the first 50 shots, I would practice dribbling up and down the court.

Even from the beginning of it I felt like my shot was good. It's amazing what a bit of practice can do.

Although I had planned to go to the gym afterwards, I got lazy and didn't go. I did, however, wash the car.

I was supposed to meet Jin but she cancelled and wanted to meet the next day.

Anyway, on Sunday I got a bit of the jitters as I waited around for my game. I had planned to go shoot around a bit beforehand, but ended up just lazing around after eating breakfast.

I got to the courts about an hour early and was the first person from my team there. I watched a game and then Isaac showed up, then Bert. I was a bit disappointed in Bert because fb showed he went out drinking the night before, and he even said he was hungover and needed a nap.

Eventually the whole team showed up, and we were ready. Despite my jitters, I was somewhat confident we'd win, as we had beaten Blacklisted twice already. The only thing different this time was I planned to use one guard (either me or Isaac) to pressure their point guard a bit.

They hit two threes to start the game and jumped out to a bit of a lead. We never recovered. Not only did they play an almost perfect game, but it seemed like we did everything wrong. They guarded Alex closely so it was hard to get him the ball, we made some really shit passes, and I took three shots, all of which didn't hit the ring. So much for practice.

We just never were a threat to win the game, which was disappointing. In the end we resorted to fouling them to try to stop the clock. I got shouldered in the jaw in the process, and as I fell backwards, I didn't bother getting up. I just sat there, feeling depleted and disappointed.

After the game I sat on the bench wondering if I had brought this on myself by:

1. Relapsing in gambling;
2. Eating too many KFC pies;
3. Being distracted by Jin;
4. Or all of the above.

And it had cost the team.

We got our runner ups trophy, which was quite decent. I grabbed the team one for photos, and was very tempted to keep it, but then remembered what I had said to Jim - that I would give it to Alex. So I walked over and said I thought he should have it. At first he said he didn't want it. I was surprised, so I kept it, then Jim said to give it to him, then Alex took it. I realised Alex was maybe a bit humble about it. But I will take the next one.

One and Jim were going for a drink and wanted me to come. But I was too depressed to do anything with them. I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I had a sausage sizzle, then left and grabbed some Macca's for my mom as she called to request it.

Then it was off to meet Jin...

vs Cruz de Malt

So Thursday night we played the same team again, and at the same time. This time we had Alex, who seemed to make all the difference...in the first half at least. He hit two threes and we raced to a 20 something point lead at halftime.

Then we absolutely crumbled in the second half as they pressured us defensively. They actually caught up and we watched as our lead dwindled and we made turnover after turnover. It could've been the worst collapse in history, but we held on and won by three points.

We were short on players too, with Mike and Mark helping out as A, One, Gus and Isaac weren't there.

$3000 lunch

On Wednesday, the gambling bug got into my head again at work. I had forgotten my sandwich at home, so was left without lunch. I had a few options: 1) go home to get your sandwich; 2) buy lunch or............3) go to the casino.

How (3) even worked its way into my mind remains a mystery. All I know is that I found myself at the bank withdrawing $3000. It was going to be $5000, then I reduced it to $4000, and finally $3000. I figured I could at least win back my $800, if not more.

I went to the casino and played at the $10 table. There was a man to my left who I saw the night before. When I saw him the night before, I immediately told myself he was bad luck. He just didn't look right. He had a fake eye or had some kind of blindness, was balding with long hair at the back, and just had a very bad 'unlucky' vibe about him.

Despite that, I still played. I played every spin. For about the first three spins, it didn't land in my sector. Then I bet the inverse and lost as it landed in my usual sector. I returned to betting on my sector and lost.

$3000.

Just. Like. That.

The 'blind' man kept glancing up at me. I was somewhat nonchalant. It was like I was in a trance. I had just lost $3000. During lunch. On a work day. On the day that Erica's mother had surgery. Fuck.

I returned to work, and although throughout the walk back I felt like shit, I somehow managed to push it aside mentally when I got back to the office.

There was a CLE at 3:30pm which I went to with Ben and Mob. In the back of my mind, I thought "if only you knew I had just lost $3000 at lunch..." Ben did most of the talking as we walked there. I think I made a little lie up to impress Mob. We were talking about a retired Aboriginal Mag, and I somehow got confused with another court and said my old office used to not send girls before her lists because one of the females from my office had an affair with her husband. The affair bit was true. The 'not sending females' bit related to another court.

The CLE was a bit boring, despite my interest in the topic. I had an inkling the two speakers weren't very well prepared, but that was confirmed afterwards when Mob was of the same opinion. Ben parted ways with us on the trek back, so it was just Mob and I going back to the office. There was some talk initially, but then there was like a long minute of silence. I kept telling myself to say something but didn't know what. Good to see you're trying your best at renewing that contract.

At night with Mike's team, we beat Bira's team to win the semi-finals. Surprisingly, Machinas beat Flash Bang so we will be seeing them in the finals next week.

4th tranche

Tuesday
I felt a bit down at work, for two reasons. First, I had a meeting with C'link and the investigators wanted to give them our TI. I wasn't too sure about it but said nothing. Afterwards I looked it up and realised we couldn't, so I told Aaron that in an email. He sent back an email asking something like if journalists would be allowed to get them, and I could see this was a set up, so I replied without directly answering his question. His next email, as expected, was something like "that's funny because it was given to journalists in the past".

I just knew that was coming. He seems like a nice guy but appears to set up things like that in emails.

So that got me down because of his attitude. Secondly, someone had sent an email around saying the "plant man" would be around. I decided to be 'active' within our legal group and forwarded it to us with a picture of a man dressed in grass. Then Mob said something like "easy, don't want to start witht he terrible emails as that is Wongy's department". I felt like that was her way of saying "don't do that", when all I was trying to be was 'social'.

At lunch I went to the bank and withdrew $5000. I was maybe just a tiny bit late as there was some waiting to be done at the bank. At 12:30pm on the dot, Erica called but I had missed it as I didn't realise my phone was ringing. She sent me two messages saying "where are you?" and "call me". I felt like, she was only that eager when it came to money. But then I reminded myself that previously when we have met for dinner and I was a few minutes late, she did the same thing. So maybe I'm just insecure about the whole thing. I swear, money makes a relationship extremely complicated.

We had a banana shake at the same cafe again. I was content with not talking much. I wanted to hold hands but when she saw I had ink on my left hand, she refused to hold that hand and only my right. Mental note: don't get ink on yourself from now on as you're supposed to be 'unemployed'.

She also told me she had bipolar, further explaining that she could be happy, sad, happy, sad, happy, sad throughout the day. I said I knew what it was, but didn't say anything else. I wondered if I should tell her I had depression, or if that would just add to our woes.

I asked her if the girl at the grocery store was Jin Jung, and she said no, that was "Hongie".

After work I went home and played GTA. I started getting the gambling bug and pondered the casino. In the end, I couldn't help it and went, under the guise of going out to get some Thai food for the family.

I went and withdrew $800. At the casino, I realised that all $5 tables now had double zero wheels. The only wheels with single zero were $10 tables. Fucking scums. So I played at the $10 table as I don't like the odds of double zero, and lost. I didn't win a single game. Fuck. I knew I should've just stayed home and played GTA. What's wrong with that? How could you want anything more than GTA, after all the anticipation you went through?

After that I went to that Crocodile Thai restaurant in the city and bought some food for the family, brought it home and we ate it together. It felt nice providing for the family like that.

GTA V

Monday
Monday night (or technically, Tuesday morning) was the official release of GTA V. Malay and I had arranged to go together to the midnight launch at the Wick's EB Games so I could pick up my pre-ordered copy.

I went to the gym at the Wick and then picked him up at 10:15pm. He thought we were going to the Wick's KFC, despite the fact that I told him it'd be the city KFC, and that the Wick's one probably closed at 10pm. I know he doesn't like going to the city, for whatever reason, but there were no other KFCs open.

So keeping that in mind, I drove to the one closer to Central, to limit the exposure of him to the city. We had the pie combo and talked, watched a girl stack it as she came in, rested a bit, then had another pie combo. That second one was probably a mistake. I felt like exploding towards the end.

After that we went to the Wick. It was kinda exciting to be meeting up so late, and even more exciting to pick up such a hyped about video game. We went into the shopping centre through a side entrance and upstairs saw about 20 people waiting in or around the store. Surprisingly there were a few girls.

We browsed the store, talked a bit, I got a ticket, then everyone was ordered to line up as midnight approached. So Malay and I lined up, and I was proud to be with him for such a monumental moment. Sure enough, at midnight they started handing out the game and free posters. Even Malay got a poster, so at least he got something out of it.

I haven't felt this way about a video game since Mario Bros 3. I remember pleading with my mom to buy it, and then after catching the bus back from the shopping centre near me, grasping the game tightly in both hands, studying the box with enthusiasm and anticipation.

When I got home after dropping Malay off, I couldn't help it but put the game into the PS3. "Five minutes" I told myself, but it took like 15 minutes just to install. I wanted to get online but apparently that is not released until 1st October.

Relapse

On Friday, I thought about Steve at my old job and how, even though he just keeps to himself while working, he is quite talkative and funny when there are legitimate reasons to be around people. So I thought I'd take that approach as we headed into our usual Friday meeting.

It turned out well, because whilst Mob hadn't arrived yet, I asked everyone if they saw the Four Corners program on Monday night about authorities capturing our data, which Mob asked about when she arrived and which led to a long discussion about the issue.

Good job.

As I was reading stuff after that in my room, my mind began wondering. It seemed likely that things would end with Erica.

I should 'celebrate'.

I should go throw $5,000 on the roulette table.

Shit! That's my addiction talking!

Despite nearly five months of being gamble free and completing counselling, this bug was still with me. I started giving it more and more thought.

No. The new KFC pie is out. Go treat yourself with that during lunch.

You know, you could easily withdraw the money from the bank, head over to the casino, have a few games and come back. All within the hour.

Damnit, shut up. I'm going to call the Gambling Helpline at lunch. I feel like talking to someone anyway.

Alright, KFC it is. And G-line.

However, I needed a place to speak to someone in confidence. I decided the bridge leading to the casino would be ideal.

I stopped outside the bank.

No no, what are you doing?

I used my phone to transfer $2,000 from my personal loan account.

I'll just take it with me. I'll call G-line, they'll talk me out of it, and I'll come back and return the money. I just want to see what time it would be by the time I reached the casino area.

I withdrew $2,000 from the bank and headed off. I never called G-line.

I went into the casino. Things had changed. The roulette tables were no longer on the left. I went to the right where some were. All the $5 tables were taken. Shit.

I reluctantly went to an empty $10 table. I bought $1,000 worth of chips. I felt confused. Maybe because it was a $10 table and I needed to double everything in my calculations. Or maybe it was because I hadn't played for so long. Or maybe it was because I came during work and was deeply afraid someone would see me.

I saw she had spun about three non-sectors. I placed a bet with one stack. I wasn't even sure how much that was. As simple as it was, the new denomination of $10 chips confused me.

I lost.

I felt disgusted. The thought of the potential to lose $2,000 in less than half an hour was frightening.

I bet on the same sector again. It landed on 35. I had like two chips there. So that was alright.

I placed another bet, this time with two stacks. It landed on 32. I had quite a number of chips there, but I couldn't even do the mental calculations because I was in a daze.

I didn't play the next spin as I was counting my winnings. I had just made $1840.

I stood there for a spin or two and then cashed in. I left with $3840.

I rushed to the bank to make a deposit and then bought some Macca's to eat back at the office.

I felt ashamed and dirty. I had just broken my gambling free period. I had relapsed.

After work, I felt free, as I didn't have to meet Erica. I felt like I had my me-time back.

I rushed to the Wick and went to EB Games to pay the remaining outstanding amount for my pre-order of GTA V. I had a nice chat with the guys who work there. I bought some chips and then went for a drive to the sea side. I called BeyondBlue as I was feeling down. Apparently they're not there to listen, just to act as a brief service. They referred me to The Salvos and Lifeline. I tried Salvos first and there was no answer, so tried Lifeline.

I spoke to a lady who I guess was what I was after - just someone to listen. I confessed my whole story, about Erica, about my gambling relapse. She was basically just reiterating what I was saying and saying she understood how I felt, which was helpful and what I needed. She didn't provide any advice, guess I wasn't after any anyway, and after that we ended the call. I was crying when I told her how guilty I felt about giving money away when my dad was still struggling to work.

I went home to play Last of Us. I gave gym a miss as my quads were sore from Thursday night basketball.

Agree for 4th and 5th tranch...

This morning I drove to the basketball stadium to watch the semi-finals with Mike. Blacklisted absolutely smashed Family Ties. It wasn't even close. I would much rather play Blacklisted if we're talking about chances of winning, but I can't help but feel I'd want a chance to play FT again to shut those two division 1 players down.

If we win this season, everything has gone our way perfectly. If not, then it'll be pretty disappointing.

Jim ended up showing up, which was a surprise. But after the game we didn't do anything, everyone just went their own separate ways. I couldn't do anything as I had to meet Erica for our 'talk' as suggested by her.

So I drove home, got changed and drove to the Wick for the gym. After that I went to Coles to buy the stuff I need for my weekly lunch. After that I went home, shaved and had a shower. I then got ready to meet Erica.

My mood as I left was...I felt like if she wanted to break up, then I should just let it go. I was feeling the sense of freedom that comes with being single, and most importantly, the huge burden off my shoulders to not have to give her anymore money. I was also tired, tired of fighting, and was ready to walk away from all this.

However, turns out that "talk" didn't mean talking about breaking up at all. When she got into my car, I asked if she was hungry and she said no. I asked where she wanted to go, and she said park, so I drove us to Mrs Macquarie's Chair. On the way there we made some light conversation, and I could tell from her tone that things weren't bad between us. Definitely no awkwardness left over from that phone call from the other night.

She had some pieces of paper out filled with typed written Korean. Turns out it was something she was supposed to memorise in case she was asked about her studies or something. Anyway, when we got there she started talking about her mother, and so I joined in, not wanting to be accused of not talking about it again.

I asked her about the healthcare system in Korea, and got the obvious answer that it was different and that they had to pay for surgery. If there was no money, there'd be no surgery. I asked her how long her mum had had cancer for and she said for about six or seven years. She also said her mother's sister also had the same thing, but had the surgery and was fine now.

She was translating stuff on her phone, like her love for her family was different, and that she didn't know how she'd live if her mum died. She was also trying to translate something to me but I couldn't understand it. So she called someone to translate for me. When she handed me the phone I could tell it was Mimi. She said Erica felt sorry for me as these were tough times, and hopefully things will get better after the surgery.

Damn. She's apologising for her bad behaviour. How can I break up with her now?

So we talked about that for a while, then she said that her cast will come off in two weeks. She said because I'd lost my job, she'd work and quickly pay off her debt. That made me feel bad. God, imagine if she found out I was lying about that. Then she asked if I could just help her for the next two weeks, and then she'd help me once she started working again. I didn't need the help (as I didn't really lose my job) but I did appreciate her offer. I thought about it - I guess I was getting away with paying $25,000 rather than the $50,000 as first promised, so maybe it was a good deal?

I ended up saying yes. Maybe I'll regret it, I don't know. Was this her real purpose in asking me out here?

We talked a bit more about other stuff. I moved to the back seat and tried to sleep. Then I sat up and held her from behind. She showed me photos from her phone Some I had seen before, and some I hadn't. She said after the surgery, we'd go drinking on Friday, and later we'd go on our trip to Canberra.

I put my head down and tried to sleep, and she said I sleep with my eyes open. God, so this raises it's ugly head again.

After I tried sleeping for a bit, she suggested we go home as I was tired. I objected but she kept asking me to get back into the driver's seat. Finally I did, and on the way she said she wanted to go to a Korean grocery store. I wans't sure if she wanted me there, I knew if I did go I'd end up paying, so I asked her and she seemed to say ok as a second thought.

Anyway, so we went, she picked out a lot of things, ended up being $112 which I paid for. I wanted to take it back to my car but she said someone was coming to pick her up. Then her friend showed up and asked me to get my car. I only got a quick look at her, but she was quite...hot.

I went to get my car and picked them both up, only to drive them up the road. I wanted to know what her friend's name was so I introduced myself, only for her to say "hi". Even Erica laughed at that. Maybe she was too smart. She did seem quite friendly though, even inviting me upstairs as I was helping them with the groceries, but I couldn't as my car was running. So I left the stuff inside the lobby and parted.

Scope's birthday

Yesterday morning I went to the courts at the girls school to work on my shot. Just like the week before, I made myself make 55 shots. Last time it was one half of the court, this time it was the remaining half. It definitely felt easier this time around. I thought it a bit weird last time, as I prepared for our quarter-finals game - it was only right that I come back to where it all began.

After that I went home, then went out to try to new KFC pie. I took it home to eat and in hindsight should not have gotten the box meal as it was too much food. I am gonna get so fat. I had to get ready for Scope's birthday, so headed out to get a cake, then picked up Brain and Scope. We were the first to get to the restaurant, despite being just on time. Malay was just leaving home and Thai was stuck on the train.

We talked for a bit, about the robbery that had occurred on Friday and also spoke to Scope about trading and the stock MMS. After a while we decided to go into the restaurant to wait. I must admit, it looked a bit shabby, not a place to go to celebrate a birthday, but it had good reviews on urbanspoon. To make things a bit worse, they seated us at a table that was reserved for another group, so we had to move.

We chatted for a while before Malay arrived, then shortly after, Thai arrived as well, dressed in a suit as he had just come from work. The meal was actually pretty decent, but I think the atmosphere definitely put some off. Hmmm. There was one girl who worked there who was pretty good looking, but she came in with her boyfriend.

We gave Scope the camera bag we got him, and he didn't even really look at it, just said thanks and put it next to him. Hmmm.

During the dinner we filled Malay in on the 'tests' Bobby's girlfriend gave us, about the bowl and that, and also the hypothetical to see if you're a psycho or not. As expected, he didn't see the sense in it and started giving some rather extreme examples. Something that'd do but now I realised it's quite annoying.

After the mains we had the cake. To add to the thought that I had chosen the wrong restaurant, turns out they put the cake in the freezer, so it had hardened with ice. Great. And for those who did question my decision, well, at least I came up with an idea. I'm tired of always being the one to come up with ideas for these occasions.

After that Malay had to go to work, so the rest of us went to the Wick for coffee at that chocolate shop. We got into some deep and meaningful conversations about life, girlfriends/wives and business ideas. As to the last, I liked Thai's answer that everything has to do with convenience - if you can make it more convenient for someone, then it'll sell.

I did make one blunder though, I brought up Bobby's engagement and said something about him probably having found a secure job as he wouldn't have proposed otherwise. I saw Brain look at Thai and realised: Thai told us once that he was unemployed when he proposed to his wife.

I felt so shitty, and didn't know if I should say something. In the end I didn't and we moved onto a different topic. I didn't sense that he was offended or anything, but he's the type of guy who'd understand that it was just a slip of the tongue.

After that I drove them all home and was pretty tired by the time I went home.

Yes it is...

She called me at 2:30am and I answered. She was like "you sleep?" and I was like "no it's alright".

She was crying, and at first I thought it was because of her mother, but as she talked, it became evident that she was about to break up with me. She was saying things like:

- we have communication problem. Her mother is sick and she wants to talk to someone who understands. She was tired of everyday me not understanding or her not understanding.
- she asked how I could talk about work and basketball but not her mother.
- she said I think too much.
- she said I lie to her everyday.
- she said "everyday you talking"...which I can only take to mean she thinks I talk too much?

I tried to explain but most of the time she'd speak over me. I kept saying "listen!" and started getting upset but she said she didn't understand what that meant. What I tried to explain was:

- yes, we have communication problem, but that's been the case over a year, and we just have to work slowly on that.
- I have tried to talk about her mother before but she did not want to talk about it.
- I think because I am planning our future.
- I asked her what I lied about and she said she did not know.

I had to get out of bed to charge my phone as I was afraid my battery would run out (it was already low). She was talking and said she loved me.

Eventually she said I should go to sleep and that she was tired. I decided not to fight anymore so we ended it there, but I sent her messages after.

She sent messages at 4:30am, I think basically asking if "help" (ie. money) should end, and added that she wanted to be alone and will be in touch with me. I said ok, but asked her to please give me a chance to explain before she decides.

The beginning of the end...

Although glad that I had phone access again, I realised this morning that I didn't have Erica on Kakaotalk as I had previously deleted her international number and that is the one she uses for Kakao. So I SMS'd her saying:

"I am sure your mum will be ok. Tell me if you need any medicine. I have new phone now, please send me message on kakaotalk."

"When is next surgery?"

About two and a half hours later, I got an idea and sent her this:

"If you have time on weekend, maybe we can go look for postcard to send to mother?"

"Postcard with photos"

I thought maybe it'd cheer her mother up to see photos of her...or us.

I didn't get anything back for the whole work day, and then at about 6:15pm I saw she had sent me a message on Kakaotalk at 5:57pm:

"Shock had passed out and buy the drug was friends mom is a surgery next Wednesday. My mom is serious now, so can not take a picture see my mom has pictures taken from you and send you and us being not needed. now what you can do, not me, I is difficult now. need to talk with a man who is talking, you and the horse is not going to me needed a break to hang is when the phone will stabilize"

That last part about needing a man to talk to concerned me. I sent her messages saying I could talk if she wanted to talk, or if she wanted to be alone then I could give her time. I called her a few times and there was no answer.

I met up with Jim as he wanted to do shopping, but my mind was on Erica all night long.

When I got back home I called her, but no answer. I tried again and this time Suri called. She said Erica was very sick and was now sleeping. I told her she sent me a message earlier and wasn't sure if she wanted to talk to have some time to herself.

Now my mind is going crazy. Was Erica awake and just handed the phone to Suri telling her she didn't want to speak to me? Isn't this the beginning of the end, when girls don't want to talk to the guy and try to brush them off with friends?

Maybe...I'm wrong about her?

Still in a state of panic this morning, I went to wait for JB Hifi to open in the morning. I didn't want to look suss by standing right at their entrance, so waited at Town Hall station. I had about a ten minute wait, and ended up mostly just watching the digital clock tick along. It made me think about life. Just...seconds keep ticking away which we will never get back. What do we do with it? How much money can you earn each second? What are we all aiming to achieve? What's the rush?

Anyway, when the shop opened I went in and asked for the Samsung S4. They had it. I asked if it used the micro-sim or the normal sized sim which I had. They said it used the micro-sim. I said I kinda needed it urgently, and she suggested I go on the month to month plan for $60.

Ummmm...yeah right.

I said then I'd have to switch numbers and carriers and even she agreed that'd be a hassle.

She did suggest cutting the sim card to size, which could be done next door but they weren't open yet. She also added that they had the S2 for sale, which is the one I broke. I wanted to buy that (much cheaper) but they didn't have any in stock. I said I'd try to come back and left.

At work, I realised I could just get my sim card cut and then use my mum's spare HTC phone. That'd save me $750. The only 'cost' was waiting until the end of the day. I decided to bear it.

I met up with Genie, Ogre, Canda, Evissa and her boyfriend for lunch. We were to meet at the Laksa Laksa place at 12:30pm, and I got there first on time, which was a bit annoying. I wanted to look for a pay phone to call Erica, but had no coins. I went on the look out for a hobo thinking I could give him my $5 note if he gave me $4 in coins, but none were in sight.

Great, the one time you need a hobo, there's none around!

I ended up going into a Vodafone store to check out some phones and then waited on the street before I spotted Genie. She saw me and tried to quicken her pace but it looked like she could only go as fast as the group.

Lunch was alright, I sat at the end of the table with Genie and Ogre on either side of me, and Evissa's boyfriend sat on the other end. I felt like a bit of a snob for not talking to him after introducing myself, but I was kinda the furthest one away from him. I did manage to get a bit of conversation going when we were talking about The Bachelor.

Apparently Ogre's going to India for four weeks from this Friday. Also had to tell Genie my planned trip to the US is no more, with the excuse that I couldn't find a third person. Real reason was I gave away $15k.

After my hour was up I said I had to go, and Ogre left with me. I now had some coins and went to a pay phone to try to call Erica. The phone rang but there was no answer.

Is this really the end? Is she avoiding private numbers because she knows it's me? Shouldn't she tell me it's a break up and not to contact her again? Or is she just doing the disappearing act?

I went back to my office. The thought of trying again using my office phone was tempting, but I resisted. I couldn't risk having my work number show up on her phone. Then I thought about it: what if I call my mom and ask if the number shows up?

Only problem was, I wasn't sure of her number. I tried, and got it wrong, but ended up asking the girl who answered if my number showed up and she said no.

Bingo!

So I called Erica and there was no answer. I tried again and no answer. It was around 1:40pm and I tried again. This time a girl picked up and answered in Korean, but it didn't sound like her. I asked "Jin?" and she asked who was calling. It wasn't her. I said my name, and she said Jin was sick. I said to tell her I lost my phone and she said ok.

I then wondered: was that a lie? Did Erica just hand the phone to her friend, telling her that if it's me, then to just say that she was sick?

Why do I always assume the worst? Why not just take the facts as they are? Why base your assumptions on your insecurity?

Good questions. It's moments like these that makes me want to see a psychologist.

Later in the afternoon, my mindset changed. Although earlier in the morning I had the desperate need to access a phone to see if she had sent me any messages, now I was feeling a sense of freedom. The freedom to do as I like with my time, and the lifting of the burden to go into $40,000 worth of debt for her. I realised the logic of my plan - that is, it was better to pay $15k than $40k to find out if she was genuine or not. If she's not, then at least you got your answer and $15k is much more manageable. If she is genuine, then good for you too.

After work I went home and tried the micro-sim. It worked. Apparently she sent me a message at 1:25pm today saying she was sick and her mother needed surgery again.

A huge wave of relief came over me.

She's not breaking up with me. It's still not over.

Now, I felt like the power had shifted back to me. I didn't feel the need to answer. I actually felt like I wanted to stay 'hidden' a bit longer; contrast this to the feeling this morning when I so desperately wanted to contact her.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Broken phone / 3rd tranche / The suspense is killing me...

Yesterday at work Erica messaged me asking if I wanted to meet on Tuesday or Wednesday to give her the money. I knew this was a good opportunity, so I said "Jin...I am losing my job" and she started pleading with me to just give her tomorrow's payment, saying her mother's surgery was on Tuesday, even adding something like if I help her it would give her strength to help me. I was impressed - she has learnt one form of persuasion is to convince the other person that they will somehow gain from all this.

Anyway, I agreed, thinking on the balance of probabilities she wasn't lying. Although one discrepancy I did find was, she initially asked for Tuesday or Wednesday, but as soon as I hinted that there'd be no more money coming, she pushed for Tuesday. I gave her the benefit of the doubt...worth $5,000.

She sent me a goodnight message last night as usual, but I noticed today her status was "seems to lie in the eyes". I am pretty sure that's a reference to me, and suggesting that I am a liar. She later changed it to some Korean words, which I translated to mean something about someone getting better soon.

At lunch I went to the bank and withdrew $5,000. I met her at the bottom of her apartment, and she came out on her crutches and talking on her phone. She was still talking by the time we sat down at the cafe and I had to wait for her to finish before asking her what she wanted, which I thought was a bit rude.

She had a banana shake like last time and I had a strawberry shake. I said "I think..." and she said "no more think" adding that she was stressed. I finished what I was saying anyway, asking if she believed in fate, as (per my story) both our mothers were sick and now both of us couldn't work. She didn't respond.

I looked away to face the street, wondering if I should just get up and leave, taking the $5,000 with me. Maybe she got the hint and she started talking to me a bit. I asked what time her mother's surgery was and she said 9:30pm tonight Australian time. I asked her to let me know how it goes, and seemed to get a positive reaction from her.

There were motorbikes parked outside and I asked if she'd ride it, and she said no because it was dangerous. I asked if she'd ride it if I bought one and she said no.

She told me Ash and Suri were getting married soon, and I was happy, thinking we could attend their wedding as a couple. But she said the wedding would be an hour away? She added that the wedding was for visa purposes.

I see...

I told her if Suri became a citizen she could get free money and doctor visits, and she said she knew.

Once again, I asked for her handbag and put the envelope of money inside. I wondered if she'd walk out or leave straight away. She didn't. I looked for some form of reaction to see if she had decided to leave me. Nothing. Maybe I was just being too sensitive.

Other than that, it was a pretty quiet meet up.

We finished our drinks and I suggested going. She took out a cigarette and got ready to light up. She hobbled to the outside of the cafe on her crutches and started smoking. She saw the work pass I had strapped around my neck and pulled it out. I told her it was blank, but she wanted to take it out of the plastic case anyway, so I did it for her. She inspected it quickly and returned it to me. I had a bit of trouble securing the metal lock around the casing and she took it off me to do it for me.

Those are the little things she does that gives me reassurance that she likes me.

I asked if we could move to the corner and she said she was going the other way. I said I'd go as there were too many people around, and we waved goodbye and parted.

I worked till 6pm tonight, and was in the toilet before leaving. I was playing with my phone as usual, and placed it on the toilet paper holder while I grabbed some toilet paper. Then my phone came smashing down. I picked it up and the screen was fucked. I could only see the top 20% of it, but all the buttons still worked if you knew where they were.

I decided to call her to tell her, but she wasn't picking up.

Has the dumping already started?

I told myself not to over-think it and went to the gym. But I now knew that the balance in power had shifted to her again - she no longer needed me, and I now wanted her.

This is how it would feel in the future anyway, but worse, after you give her $40,000...

True. True.

I went to the gym, did the bike and abs and left. Now my phone was fully fucked, as the whole screen was blacked out. The top 20% came back for a while and I called her again, but no answer. Then the whole screen blacked out again.

Now I was panicking. What if she had decided that this was the end of it? Had I just been scammed $15,000? Was all this really just fake? The money part hurt, but I kept telling myself it could've been $40,000.

I came up with a plan to ask for my money back or else I'd post her photos on the internet. That should work. I scrambled home to transfer files from my phone to my laptop and also to use my mom's spare phone.

Guess I will find out soon whether this is the end...

Busted with Erica

Last night I was messaging Erica, and she said goodnight. It was only 8pm so I asked if she was sleeping, and she said no, it was meant for me. She added that she'd be drinking. I playfully said I wanted to drink too, and so that ended up with me meeting her later that night.

I waited outside her apartment longer than usual, apparently she was sleeping. I asked where she wanted to go and she said she didn't know. I suggested going to that pub we went to in St Leonards last time, and she said yes at first but later asked me to go to 'Haru'. She gave directions, saying it was near her apartment, and luckily there was a parking spot right in front.

She went in without her crutches and we took a seat in their 'outdoor' area (it still had a roof, but was just part of a wide open area). Two guys at the table next to us were smoking heavily and their smoke kept blowing my way. I started wondering if it was deliberate as I started to feel really uncomfortable.

Erica ordered a soju and beer, and a salad. I did drink, but consciously tried to minimise it knowing I'd be driving. I could see it now: getting caught drink driving - my life with Erica just keeps getting worse. It was pretty quiet throughout. I figured she wanted to think and drink, but also wanted some company.

She mentioned something about sleeping after eating. I wasn't sure what she meant, but after a while she actually did start drifting off at the table. I paid for the meal and tried to get her to go, but she kept sleeping until her elbow kept slipping off the table, at which time she agreed to leave.

She got in my car and asked me to roll the seat back, which was good because she wasn't wearing a seat belt and so if the cops looked into my car they wouldn't be able to see her. She had drifted off to sleep, and I had decided to drive to the sea side near me so I could take a nap as well. For some reason I kept feeling like I was kidnapping her, trying to keep my car motions smooth to avoid waking her, as if she would completely object to me taking her somewhere if she woke up.

Her phone rang anyway, she was talking to someone and asked me where we were, and relayed it to the other person when I said the Bra. She went back to sleep and we arrived at the sea side. The gate at the entrance was down, so I decided to go the other way to see if there was a way in. Sure enough, there was no gate at the exit and I drove through and parked facing the water.

I tried to drift off to sleep, and after a while rolled my seat back and tried to sleep. She was facing away from me, and I kept tossing and turning trying to sleep. Eventually I got my seat back up and lied down in the back. This was more comfortable, but now there was another issue - I needed to use the bathroom. I could hear a bunch of people nearby, so going at the shrubs nearby was a no no.

Despite that urge, I tried to go to sleep. In the positions we were in, we somehow managed to hold each other's hands - at first it was both hands, and then later just one hand. When I heard the people leave, I went out and pissed at the shrubs and returned to my car.

I tried to go back to sleep but was now cold from my recent trip outside. I asked her if she wanted to go to a motel and she was fast asleep. Oh well. I tried going back to sleep again, and after a while sensed a really bright light shining at my car. I wondered who the hell it was, and then heard a knock on the window.

It was the police.

I initially thought I was being called out on sleeping in my car (I don't think that's legal), so wasn't sure what his point was when he asked how I got in when the gate was closed. I said I drove through the exit, and he asked if I saw the 'no entry' sign, and that was when it clicked - he wanted to get me for disobeying the sign. I said I didn't see it. He asked if I saw the arrows on the ground and I said it was dark. He asked for my licence and then returned to his car.

By now Erica was up. She asked what was going on, and I said we weren't allowed to park here as it was closed. She asked me to get her seat back up so I got out of the car, and when I did the officer got out of his car. I thought he was going to make me get back into my car, but he handed me an infringement for disobeying a no entry sign for $236.

Fuck.

I felt pissed off and asked if he saw the other 4WD nearby, as if it was an attempt to say "hey why get me?" He then said he was going to approach the other cars now. I saw them approach another car but no one was in it.

Great, so I get penalised for being in my car.

In hindsight, I probably got away extremely lightly. Look at what could've happened:

1. He breathelised me and found I was over the limit - drink driving.

2. He asks Erica for ID, she doesn't have it, and I'd have to get into this whole story of what we were doing there.

Uhhh...I'm here with this girl who can barely speak English and has no ID...but she's my girlfriend I'm telling you, I'm not her pimp.

3. He caught me pissing in public - another fine.

So yeah, got off pretty lightly.

I drove Erica back home and we held hands during the entire drive.

When I got home she messaged me asking if I was ok and saying thanks (presumably for spending the night with her).

The sombre lunch with Erica

After basketball I messaged Erica asking if she wanted to meet up. She said yes, 5pm at the Korean restaurant near her. Later on she said to make it 2pm as she had to meet other people.

I left the basketball stadium at about 12:30pm, so that was making it a bit thin. I messaged her later asking if we could meet at 2:30pm, and she never replied.

Anyway, I went home, had a shower and then headed back out. I probably could've made 2pm but I decided to get her a big plush toy to try to lighten the mood, despite the fact that I'd already ordered one on ebay, but it'll bloody arrive in another 1-2 weeks.

I went to the store near Capitol and ended up buying a medium sized Doraemon for $48. This was much better than the original back up plan of that $90 Totoro. I carried it through the city with people giving me strange looks but I didn't care. I called up Erica and said I'd be there in five minutes, and she said to meet at the restaurant, sounding not too enthusiastic, and didn't even say bye when she hung up.

As I approached the restaurant, I saw her making her way slowly towards the entrance on her crutches. I caught up to her and wiggled the Doraemon next to her, which startled her a bit until she realised it was me. She didn't seem happy at all. I asked the waiter for a table for two, and she asked him for a lighter and started smoking outside while I went to sit in by myself.

Not a good start.

When she came in, she didn't even touch or look at the Doraemon. She got out her phone and basically typed a message saying thanks for the present but she didn't want to be cheered up in this situation.

Not a good start.

There was a lot of silence and the mood was sombre. I felt like anything and everything I did was wrong. The thought of breaking up right there and then and leaving her in the restaurant did occur to me, but I figured I'd sit this one out and message her tomorrow saying I wanted to break up.

After a while I decided to make a bit of an effort to change the mood. I told her my basketball team made the Grand Finals and asked if she wanted to come watch. She said her mother has one year to live, and asked if I could play basketball if it was my mother.

Not a good start.

We ate in silence with the exception of saying thanks everytime she gave me some food, and just basic chit chat about whether we liked the food or not. I was pretty confused. Was she stressed or were these signs that she just didn't like me, and only liked my money? I observed how she spoke to the waiters and thought up an argument that she treated them better than she treated me.

The lunch went on, and I felt like the tables on both sides of us were just watching us and could feel the tension between us. Conversation picked up just a little bit as the meal went on. I decided to take advantage of the sombre mood to launch the test: I took out my phone and translated to her "I lost my job". I looked for any obvious sign that she was going to dump me straight away.

I didn't see any. She just nodded. Then she asked why, and I translated "company reduce costs". She nodded again. I kept wondering if the gears were in motion in her mind to dump me.

Later on, she started playing with the Doraemon and made a phone call. I thought by looking at her eyes that she was going to cry. "Nah" I told myself. Sure enough, she turned around to face the wall, one hand toying with the Doraemon, the other holding the phone, and she started sobbing and talking in Korean. I wondered if she was telling her friend I lost my job and now had no short term solution for the money.

I asked the waiter for some more serviettes for her tears. I thought the table next to us must've thought I was a cold, uncaring bastard. After she finished the call, she wiped away most of her tears and stopped crying. I moved next to her and rubbed her shoulders, and soon she said to get the bill and go. It was bloody $96 for two people! Goddamn!

We stood outside the restaurant for a bit as she smoked, then she said she was calling for a friend/courier to pick her up. I offered to get my car but she said no. We went to the grocery store next door and she looked at some chips. She asked if I could buy it for her, and I joked that she had to pay, and then acquiesced. I thought she was only going to get a pack of chips or two, but she started doing what looked like her weekly grocery shopping.

I was holding the Doraemon and barely managed to hold onto everything she got. At least it got a giggle out of her as she watched me struggle. I went to pay for it and wondered if I even had enough in my account, as I had used the money in the bank to pay for the Doraemon. Luckily there was.

We waited outside for a while before I got her a taxi. She called Ash and was apparently going to meet up with him.

And then home I went.

Kainan: quarter-finals won!

Was messaging Erica last night, which seemed, for me, to end on a bit of a sour note. It was like 1am so I said "talk tomorrow" meaning, goodnight in other words. I don't think she got it because she said "again..talk..me very tired". So then I said "ok then, no talk" and went offline.

She sent me a SMS saying "ha ha ha. you very real bad.."

I guess I am just looking for any small thing as an out here.

No surprise then that this morning I woke up feeling a bit drowsy. I managed to get to the courts at 9am nonetheless, an hour before game time. Jim was also there and we shot around and played around the world (I got thrashed). He again complained to me about the others throwing the ball too far ahead for him on fastbreaks, and I kinda got the feeling he just wasn't running fast or hard enough, so I asked if he could expect a bad pass as I have never seen a pass go short. He didn't have much to say to that.

Alex Z arrived later, and then everyone else started coming. I was feeling a bit nervous, wondering how the game would unfold.

Starting five was me, One, Alex Z, Mike and Bert, with Jim and MJ on the bench. Isaac missed the match due to True Grit. Before I knew it, it was tip off time already. Alex Z won the tip and managed to get it directly to one of us. The other team hit some long jump shots and even a three to get out to an early lead. Soon, we were facing a seven point deficit.

Is this how it ends? Has our luck run out here? Are we doomed?

I hit a jump shot with some guy jumping at me and thought there should've been a foul, but whatever.

We looked a bit old and sluggish in the first half, and reached halftime still with the seven point deficit. I decided I hadn't gotten out on any fastbreaks so needed to do that more. So when I took the ball up in the second half, I tried to rush it up the court, which worked sometimes because the other team hadn't set their D yet to double/triple team Alex Z so managed to get the ball to him to score.

I managed to get a steal and run up for a fastbreak, only to airball the lay up, but caught it again, and passed it off to someone else who got fouled shooting. The other team was calling for a travel, and I quietly subbed off thinking I got away with one.

We had made our run and slowly crept back into the game. I hit a jumper in some guy's face which put us up by one and we never looked back since. We played really good D and ran the transition offense a lot more, and ended up winning the game by nine points. I even blocked a three point attempt at the buzzer.

I was pretty damn happy, but that was constrained only by the knowledge that it wasn't over and we still had to win the Grand Final. But it was still a pretty damn good feeling.

Most of us stayed to watch the first half of the next game where the team we just beat will play the winner of this game. Mike, One and I stayed to watch the rest of the game, and then I stayed with Mike to watch the first half of the next game.

Psychologist / Things just get worse...

I forgot to mention that on Sunday, whilst washing the car, an idea popped into my head - what if I tell Erica that I lost my job?

That's brilliant! It's a reasonable and believable excuse, you'll have a reason to say no more money, and you'll get to see if she'll dump you (she probably will).

See? That's why I like to spend time by myself, because ideas like this come up.

I was supposed to meet Erica and Ash for dinner on Friday after work. But for some reason, maybe I was just too bored at work and my mind went racing, I decided to cancel it. I initially gave myself a reason to go, and that was to try to pry some info from Ash to see if Erica was lying. I wanted to ask if/why their Bali trip got cancelled and also maybe to figure out his finances as well.

I sent her a message just apologising and saying I couldn't meet tonight, and all she said was "ok..". Not sure if she was waiting for a reason from me, but it seemed a bit odd. I later said I'd see her Sunday, and there was no reply (she had seen the message).

This sent me into the usual paranoi way of thinking, wondering what was wrong. I don't know why I feel like that, but it almost overwhelms and cripples me. So much so, that in the afternoon, I was googling for psychologists to see.

During my last counselling session with Margy on Wednesday, she did say there seemed to be self esteem issues which she couldn't help me with as the service was limited to gambling. She recommended that I check out the APS website for a psychologist if I wanted one.

And that is where I found myself desperately looking. I called up a few, maybe they were out at lunch but they all went unanswered or to voice mail messages. I left a message on a few, asking if it'd be possible to see them after work. One got back to me late in the afternoon and I booked to see him.

So off I went at 5:30pm. It was both horrible and beneficial. The guy's name was Scott W(right), had a friendly soothing voice on the phone and was no different in person. Went into the room and started talking. I felt like he didn't get enough background info out of me, but he did ask about my family, and I totally broke down when I told him the truth - that I had been sexually abused when I was young by my sister. I said that was the first time I had ever told anyone, and just kept crying, and he said that was a normal reaction.

From then on, it was like a 20 year old wound/scab had been open. My mind felt heavy, and it was hard to concentrate. It was kinda like someone telling you your family member has died and then oh, let's move onto a different topic.

I said I wanted to see him about depression and anxiety, so we worked on my anxiety. I said to him sometimes I felt like people were thinking I was an idiot, like for example, people on the bus. He said it was common, and it was a way of unhealthy thinking. He pointed out that I was making two assumptions: 1) that people were thinking negatively of me, and 2) that there were consequences.

Well, when you put it like that, it does seem pretty stupid. But that's just how I feel sometimes.

We used the example of going to court and social events a lot, and it became clear to me that I had a lot of anxiety issues. He said sometimes people like me become so focussed, think so much about things that are just made up in my mind, that it prevents me from seeing the facts. He gave a physical demonstration of putting my hands up in front of my eyes, and said those were my thoughts, and if I removed my hands (my thoughts) then what was in front of me was clearer to see.

So that was beneficial, but towards the end, the part I knew was coming and didn't like happened, when he tried to get me to commit to another session. He gave me some home work, which may have been a tool to get me to come back, but I didn't end up committing, saying I'd think about it, which he seemed cool with.

The part that really put a stop to it was when I mentioned the cost as an issue, and he said if I got a GP referral to a "mental condition plan" -

Uh, hold up. Mental condition plan? What am I? Mentally ill? No way! I'm normal!!!

I think he realised my reaction, as he said something about that and I was like "yeah, that was my first thought".

Anyway, I paid the $170 and went home feeling somewhat distressed, and looking forward to spending the night playing Last of Us online.

At about 8pm I sent Erica a message saying I had just finished work. She said she was crying as her mom was very sick. She started saying she wanted to go to Korea but if she did, then she couldn't come back due to her visa. I saw the opportunity and said she should go back to Korea and worry about coming back later, and that I'd take care of it even if it meant a marriage visa (that was the truth). But she didn't seem to want to do that, and started talking about having no money for the surgery.

She ended up calling me and just crying. I wondered if this was a push to get the rest of the money in one go. I know, that as a third person observing all this, it would certainly seem like it. You know, on her side, she'd concoct a story, deliberately start crying to get the rest of the money. Too easy.

But I don't think she's lying. She updated her status today in Korean, although I don't know what it means, it seems sad.

Anyway, I've come up with another possible out - I could say, that in order to try to help her get more money, I'd travel to Vietnam to "carry a suitcase" (wink wink) and then just never turn on my phone again.

But two slight problems - although she asked for help last night, when I asked how I could help today, she said she didn't know. She didn't ask for money in any form. Also, it would really weight on my conscience to dump a girl when: 1) her mother has cervical cancer and 2) she has a broken foot and is on crutches.

Fuck what did I get myself back into.

Annoyed at A

So we had basketball tonight. We lost to the Dingleberrys, although it was a close game. They got off to a lead at first by cherry picking but we adjusted. They were a pretty shit team otherwise. It also got a bit heated near the end as their big guy kept elbowing us and One got a tech after the big guy pushed him over.

Anyway, after the game I was walking with A to the car park, and he said the next game was at 10:40pm. I said, yeah on that, you should try to make it because the other guys are getting annoyed that he and Alex Z's friend miss the most games. He said he couldn't and asked if I knew how late it was.

Ummmm...I actually PLAY these 10:40pm games, I think I know how late it is.

He said he just couldn't, and I was like, don't tell me, tell them, I felt like I was always copping it from them for him, and he said he knew. I even said that One told me that him and Alex Z's friend are off the team next season if this continues, and he said "if that's the condition then I'm not playing".

I couldn't believe it. He was actually asking for a condition that he be exempt from all 10:40pm games, so the rest of us have to bear the late games. Fuck that. No one should be able to do that. Maybe if you're a good player or if you have leverage, then yeah. But we can so do without him. I just couldn't believe he said that.

Anyway, as I was driving home I got bored and texted Erica asking her what she was doing. At each stop at the traffic lights, I'd check my phone and be disappointed that she hadn't read my message or replied. I wondered what she was doing. Part of me, the insecure me, wondered if she was cheating behind my back, or if she was having it on with Ash. But I knew better - they both weren't like that.

When I arrived home and parked in the garage, she replied saying she just finished showering. I called her as I wanted to hear her voice and missed her. I jokingly asked why she showered, and she said she hadn't showered for four days, and I was like, I like dirty girls and she said I was crazy lol.

She said "you, every day talking talking talking" and then I thought I heard her say something like "shut the fuck up". I asked "what did you say?" a few times and then she said something in Korean which sounded similar, and then added shut up. I don't think she said what I thought she said, because she usually doesn't talk like that, but...

I asked her if she was drinking and she said no, later tonight. I said she was always drinking. She said she drinks every night and I don't drink, which is no good. Having her point out a difference between us just moved reality a bit closer to me.

I said I'd drink when we go to Canberra and she said she'd think about it. Hmmm.

She said she was busy today, and I asked her doing what, and she said "Korea" but then said she couldn't explain it due to her English.

We talked about dinner tomorrow, and I said she should just give German food a try. She said no, that she liked Korean and Thai food, but said we could try German next time. I said I'd take her and Ash to Newtown tomorrow for the best Thai restaurant in Sydney.

After that we said goodbye and hung up.