More casino...

After the last entry, I went out to the office to get a bit of work done. Surprisingly, it took me faster than expected, and I was more productive than expected.

After that I went to the casino again. I ended up at a table where the dealer looked a lot like Michelle. She was totally bored out of her mind, which was great for me. I like these dealers because they get into a subconscious rhythm.

I won $500 almost instantly. I knew I should've left, but I wondered if I could get to a $1000. I couldn't. I started losing a lot back. There was one point where I had put the last of my chips out and was holding onto my wallet ready to throw out the next $1200. Luckily, it landed in my sector and I got a bit back.

I became more patient and started to slowly win my way back to my initial bankroll. After a while I was up $320. There was then a dealer change to a young Asian guy who looked familiar - either I have spoken to him there before or he has caused me great loss before.

I played a few spins with him but the annoying thing was he wouldn't spin unless there was a bet. After a while I figured $320 was pretty good, because all I had hoped for coming here was $140 to get my personal loan down to $15,000. Although I couldn't help but feel the emotional disappointment of having come down from $500.

I left and did a bit of shopping for the week's lunch ahead. Then I came home and had a nap.

In the last fortnight, my net gain has been $3,060. That's...like my salary from my job.

I keep telling myself that I can't keep doing this consistently. But then I wonder, for a game like roulette, isn't consistent winning in a fortnight a good enough sample size? It's not like I had two or three sessions - I had heaps of sessions and managed to come out with a win. Yes, it's largely dependent on luck, but the major change this time round is I have a lower minimum target and try my best to tell myself to get the hell out once I reach it. Was that all that needed to be tweaked to come out on top?

Some guy broke the casino

Yesterday morning I went to the casino, figuring that was one of the best times to go unrecognised by anyone I might know. To my dismay, there was only one table open, and it was pretty packed. I managed to get a seat at the very end of the table, so not the ideal position.

There was a Chinese man playing large amounts, and his friend was next to him. Others were playing $10 chips like me. I was up $80 at first, and then lost. Even had to put out my $1200 after losing my initial $800. I always say that although streaks happen, they're unlikely to coincidentally happen right when I arrive at the table.

Well, it seemed that before I arrived, the dealer (the Vietnamese guy I had spoken to before) was doing both sectors pretty evenly. Then when I started to bet, he goes on a streak of five 0-3 sectors. That was what made me lose the $800. After a while I managed to get back up and had a gain of $120. That was when I left.

I went home, had breakfast and then bummed around before having a nap.

At about 5:30pm I was woken up by my phone ringing. It was Mike, and he asked if I wanted to go play ball. I asked who was going and he named some of the guys from the team. I said yes, figuring some training would do us good, and we could work on the 1-3-1 defense. It would also get me off my ass and make productive the rest of this totally wasted day.

I got out of bed and thought about going to the casino before heading to basketball. Instead, I decided to go to the gym. I went but when I got into the locker room, realised I had forgotten my towel. Coincidentally, there was a towel nearby. I waited until people in sight around me left before taking it. I noticed it actually looked a lot like the one I have.

On the bike, I was a bit scared of some guy approaching me and saying "hey you have my towel mate". I started thinking about all the excuses I'd have. At first I thought I'd just say it was mine, but then figured I could say something like, I pulled mine out and went to the bathroom, and when I came back I just grabbed whatever was there - implying that someone took mine and I took his by mistake.

Luckily I managed the whole session without any encounters. When I went back to the locker room, I left the towel back where I found it. Thank you.

I then drove off to basketball. When I got there, I was surprised. It was a packed stadium, with a few competition games finishing. There was still one going, and then the other two courts had organised pick up games. I was expecting a court to ourselves, but I guess we were joining others.

I waited a while before the others showed up. Turns out none of the courts had been booked for us. We made some calls to Alex who had booked it, and found that his friend had booked it and he had merely passed the message onto us. The booking was cancelled by the friend and Alex didn't check the facebook messages to tell us.

We were all swearing our heads off about Alex, having wasted our fucking time and petrol to drive out there. I was upset, but not as angry as Mark. I figured it at least got me to the gym and out of the house.

It was funny, because Mark was so angry because he had brought some friends along. I suggested we go get something to eat at Pine Inn, and he was like "I brought my friends to play basketball, not to eat at Pine Inn" and then Jun added "just tell them you brought them here to watch basketball, and then we'd go eat after" haha!

So yeah, we all ended up dissipating from there. I drove home but got curious as I neared the city. I figured I'd drive by the old Naby shop and see if it was open. It was, and it looked like it had been renovated. I went home to change and drove back out.

Inside the shop, I was greeted by a short friendly Asian guy, and he told me there was only one girl available. I said that was fine. I waited in the room and he asked how long, and I was about to pay $200 for 50 minutes when he asked if an Australian girl was ok. I said I thought they were all Korean girls, and he said they have all girls now. I said I'd see first, and lucky I did, because this kinda ugly woman came in and introduced herself.

Ugh, Western women do not age well. The guy told me she was 28, and he was probably right, but she just looked older than a 28 year old Asian girl.

Normally I'm so nice that I end up sacrificing my money and time once I am inside the shop, but I couldn't do this one. I apologised to the guy and said I'd let the forum know the shop was open again and I left.

I wasn't feeling satisfied of my curiosity, so I ended up going to see Angel. I booked for an hour. When I went, I waited a bit before she came to get me, greeting me with "annyung".

We went into the room I saw her in the first time, and she asked if I wanted coffee and I said yes. I asked if it would be good and she said of course, "it will make you fall in love". She went to get some and I got my phone out playing Anipang. When she returned she saw it and started playing. She wasn't bad, and told me her highest score was 1 million.

We had the coffee and then I laid down and she got on top of me. I held her and we talked. She said she felt "different to angry" and I asked "annoyed?" and she said yes. I asked why, and she said because there were no customers. She said she studied Monday to Friday and works after, and then works weekends and she doesn't make enough when there are no customers.

I half joked that she didn't need money. We got into a bit of a discussion, with me saying all that was important was to be happy. I told her if I have my health, and my family is healthy, then I am happy. But I also added that for some people, money makes them happy.

I did try at times to throw in dinner invitations during our conversation, but she would playfully decline. She said she studied during weekdays and worked after, and then worked weekends and needed to sleep on her day off. We also talked about love and money, and she said love without money is not very strong, as there would always be fights.

She told me of her plan to work one or two years and finish her study, then marry and have kids. I joked "marry me?" and she slapped me on the lips playfully. I added "let's make baby now" and she half playfully said "watch your mouth". I thought, does this mean that Jin was serious when she said "no hair baby" when I said the same to her?

It was also at that moment that I realised Angel wouldn't be up for anything outside of the shop. I wondered why I placed myself in these situations.

We hugged and held hands and fidgeted with each other but didn't have sex. I guess I wasn't really after that. I just wanted to not be lonely. Other than me trying to ask her out, she was quite playful and I think we get along, but I think for her, she probably doesn't want to date a customer or have anything to do with a customer after she finishes her 'career'.

I asked for her name and she said she would tell me next time. Hmmm.

Near the end of our session, I told her the "secret" of money, namely that rich people use money to make money and poor people use money to buy things. She understood, but said how could she use money to make money if she didn't have any in the first place. I told her to save a bit up.

When the buzzer went I was a bit sad, and she said time went so fast. I said time goes fast when happy, and time goes slow when sad. As I was about to leave, she hugged me from behind. I turned around and we hugged each other.

This morning I went to the casino again. This time there were two tables open. I went to the same table as yesterday and had the same dealer as yesterday, a lady who looked a bit like Geoffrey's mum (after the dealer change yesterday).

I was down a bit and had to use my $1200 again after losing $800, then got back up. I was up $120 again but decided to keep going, to try to win back the $250 I spent on Angel. I did that and a bit better, up $370.

A chubby Korean guy had started playing next to me with $100 chips. He had a friend with him, who looked like the guy who used to work at the old Naby shop. I concluded that it was probably him - what were the odds of someone looking so similar and hanging around another Korean who had the money to play $100 chips.

The chubby guy was lucky. He had two straight ups and four splits on 8, and two straight ups on 30, amongst other chips on other numbers. It landed on 30. It was next door to 8. I told him that and he said he was happy enough. That was a $7000 win, with a profit of about $6000 I reckon.

He kept playing, and a few spins later he did the same bet and it landed on 8. That was about a $16,800 win. Fuck, that was more than enough to pay off my personal loan.

I sat there watching as the dealer and supervisor were talking about how to pay the guy out, as they didn't have enough $100 chips for him. He had won all the fucking money from the table! They paid him in $25 chips and also converted the normal colour chips to $100 chips.

I told him "you won all their chips man" and he said "fuck em'" lol. Maybe it was a small comment, but it really gave me an insight into what attitude should be had towards the casino. Sometimes after a big win, I do a small bet just so I don't come off as being too stingy. But I should be able to say "fuck em'" and leave.

He also told me that he won $350,000 once from another table in the public area. Far out.

He played one or two more spins before losing and leaving. I was stunned. I told the dealer I had been playing for five years and had never seen anything like that. I cashed in and left.

When will this ever stop...

Despite being occupied at work today, I still managed to spare an hour to walk to the casino and back.

I pulled out $2000 from the ATM and walked rather peacefully towards what could've been a wrecking ball on my day. I kept telling myself that a win of $100 was good enough, and that anything more was a bonus.

When I got there, they only had one $10 table open which was jam packed with people. The other tables were still in the process of opening. Then one of the security guards came over to swap chips. I was about to complain to a random person about how stupid it was that they chose to do this on the only $10 table open, but then thought the better of it.

I found a table that had just opened and played there. It's always dangerous like this because you have no idea how the ball will spin and what sectors have been hitting (if they actually even matter in reality). There was one record on the history board of '28' and I thought the dealer must've spun once before I approached, so I asked if he had just spun. He said no, and that it was roulette tradition that when they open a table, to start it from the date.

Hmmm. Interesting.

I bought in $800 worth of chips and played. I was up then down and had a $20 gain. I gave serious thought to leaving, and then looked at my watch and figured I could stay a bit. The guy hit one 0-3 sector and the rest were 1-2 sectors. During this 1-2 sector streak of about four, I tried betting against it and lost. I almost lost $800 and was prepared to pull out some cash from my wallet.

I bet the 0-3 sector again, and luckily this time it hit. It landed on 7, where I had three splits and a straight up - 86 chips, meaning $860. It could've landed on 28 or 29 next door, where I had more chips, but I was happy enough.

I cashed in immediately. I counted my profit of $500. Not bad, especially when I was only hoping for $100.

I deposited the cash into the bank and then bought a Big Issue from a homeless guy on the street as I was feeling charitable. When I got back to the office, I logged onto net bank and applied the profits to my debt. I had reduced my personal loan balance from $15990 to $15490.

For the remainder of the day, I worked away busily, but at times wondered when this streak would end. I realised what was different between now and back then was I was leaving pretty much as soon as I made a gain. I realised that I can't control where the ball lands (despite my system theory) but I can control when I bet and when I leave. The important thing is to leave to survive another day.

I know I told myself to only do this until my debt is paid off, but if I can win back $15,000, then why stop there? Would I really stop there? If I could win more, would the casino eventually stop me? If they don't, when do I stop? When I have enough to buy a car? Or a house? Can I really gamble to win enough for a house?

I know it's way too early to tell, but I'm already picturing myself being billed as some sort of professional roulette player. It could all come crashing down with a loss next time, so I know I'm thinking way ahead of myself.

Family hot pot

I tried to resist, but gave in.

I went to the casino at lunch time.

At first it wasn't raining, but I took my umbrella anyway. Then as I progressed through the usual walk, it started drizzling. Then proper rain. Then heavy rain. As I trudged through the rain, I thought about this addiction. I could've turned around if I wanted, but this addiction made me walk through this heavy rain to get to the casino.

If I wasn't addicted, I doubt I would've even left the office. It would've been pretty good to sit in my warm office and stare out at the rain. But it also would be pretty good to make some money and reduce my debt.

I arrived at the casino and took a quick look around. I couldn't recognise anyone, not even the dealers. I settled on a table where a guy had just finished up betting $100 chips on colours. It looked like the table had just started as well. This wasn't really ideal, as it didn't give me an indication of which sectors it was favouring.

Oh well, just go with probability, I told myself. That meant going with the majority.

I won a bit at first, being up $140. I wanted just a bit more but ended up losing that. I decided that the fresh wheel would favour the majority, and splashed out $400 worth of chips on the 1-2 sector.

It landed on...10.

I quickly looked at how many chips I had on 10. Two straight ups and two splits. 104 chips. $1,040.

Since I used 40 chips ($400), that was a gain of $680 (plus the four chips on the number which I get back).

I told the dealer I wanted "all cash". The guy next to me, who also had some chips on 10, said "not bad" and asked "leaving already?" I said that was pretty good for 20 minutes, and he agreed. He said he should do the same, but he didn't.

I went to cash in and left. I went to the bank to deposit the money bar $200. I had decided to take my family out to dinner.

So as I walked back, I called my dad and told him I'd take the family out to hot pot. He said ok, but did ask me why. I didn't expect that, and just said "I got money". Poor excuse.

After work I went home to play video games while waiting for my sister to return home. When she came back, we drove out to the city and had hot pot. I felt good showing them the hot pot place, and how things worked nowadays (like ordering using an ipad). I also felt good bringing the family together for dinner together. It had been ages since we had been out together, and even longer since our last hot pot (probably 20 years).

We ordered the spicy soup a bit too spicy, which we started avoiding halfway through. All in all it was good. I think I'm done with hot pot for now. Had it too many times in such a short period.

Best of all, it cost only $82. I had set aside $200 for it. As we walked back to the car, it made me think. Sometimes when I'm up $80 at the casino, it seems like nothing. From now on, I'll remind myself that it's enough to feed my family for dinner.

Gambling at lunch...

I had planned to take my shirts to the laundromat during lunch and go gambling after work, but I couldn't even resist that.

I withdrew some money at lunch and headed over. I found a table with one Asian guy playing and joined him. I had never seen the dealer before, but he was spinning up a hell of a lot of 1-2 sectors, and so I decided to ride it.

I only lost one spin and won others, and left with a gain of $430. Sometimes as the ball would roll around and the wheel would spin, I would think about how funny it was, that my fortune depended on where this stupid ball landed.

In one way, it was quite simple - if the ball lands in your half of the wheel, you make money. If it doesn't, you lose money. The ball falls where it falls. Not much you can do about it really.

After work I took my shirts to the laundromat and then stayed in the office for a while. Then I went to the gym, and surprisingly had no trouble doing the abs exercises despite a two week absence. Even more surprising was the fact that I weighed only 70kgs on the scale. Seems like the less gym I do, the more weight I lose sometimes.

Helping Thai move

On Sunday I played basketball at the courts near me. The weather turned out to be great, and we all had a three hour run. It would be my first 'real' training session since fucking up my knee in the City 2 Surf.

After that I went home and showered. I had to meet Malay to pick something up and then drive to Thai's place to help him clean up and move some stuff, but that would be later in the day. So with a bit of time on my hands, I drove out to the casino to try to win some money.

I won $140 and then decided that that was enough. I walked to Myer to get my sister a Chanel fragrance as it was her birthday and my mom told me she'd like it. I figured if I was willing to spend $250 on punting, then I could spend money on a present for my sister. But when it came to choosing the size, I chose the smaller one for $159 rather than the larger one for $230.

I was chastised by my mom for this, which really pissed me off. First, my mom is only giving her $100 cash. Secondly, no one remembered my sister's birthday except me. Thirdly, my sister didn't get me anything for my birthday, so the fact that I'm even getting her anything at all should be appreciated.

I realised after this argument that my mom is the root of a lot of my problems - low self esteem and depression.

Anyway, at about 7pm I met up with Malay to get the Nintendo DS he got for Thai. We talked a bit about G's birthday as he wasn't there cause he was working, and then I headed off.

At Thai's place, he gave me some movies which took a while to copy, and while we were waiting we played Metal Slugs. Then we chucked out some rubbish, and then moved his tv and cabinet. The tv was a lot heavier than it looked.

After that he treated me to a meal at Macca's even though I wasn't really hungry as I had eaten before I left home. We talked about life and girls in general. I wanted to tell him about what happened to Victoria, but feared it would get passed around, which would only serve to confirm to Shuing that I was "rage_face" on the forums.

Yes, I posted my story on the punting forums asking for advice, and then a few days ago someone with G's email address replied saying he had a friend in a similar position. Obviously it was Shuing. However, some things I never told my friends, which would be differences between what they know and what I posted on the forum, which could give me an out.

To make sure, during G's birthday I was posting things from my phone to set up the argument that it couldn't be me because I was at G's party.

Anyway, after helping Thai, I drove to the casino and won $200 and then went home.

G's birthday

G's birthday was to start at noon with karaoke, but I told him I'd be there later as I had basketball. However, there was no basketball because it was raining, but I decided to stay home anyway. I think it was because of the hot pot, I had something which could only be paradoxically described as diarrhea and constipation. Jim was right, we had to be careful not to under cook the meat.

So I spent the first half of the day going in and out of the toilet, then finally left at around 3pm to meet them in Chinksford. I met Thai and Michael L there first. It was a bit awkward, because we sort of made small movements to shake hands multiple times until finally he firmly reached out his hand for a handshake.

Apparently Shuing had gone home after karaoke and would join us later. G found us after he parked, and we went upstairs into the puzzle game room place. It looked a bit like a brothel upstairs, and although we all joked about it at first, I realised I shouldn't say too much to give too much away.

The game was fun, although I would've preferred anything other than Harry Potter. I made the first progress by snatching a wand hanging from the ceiling (don't think we were supposed to) and using it to open the cabinet. We actually solved the puzzle but the thing wasn't working properly which meant something was never triggered to allow us to complete it.

After that we drove to Bondi for the F1 simulation racing. Driving with only Michael L in the car is boring as. The only good thing was that he offered to shout my coffee because I paid for the parking.

After the coffee we went back to the simulation racing thing where we found Bobby and his wife waiting. It was a bit awkward because everyone approached to say hi. I approached as well but they never made eye contact with me, even though I was willing to say hi. It was very embarrassing as I looked multiple times for eye contact but it was clearly avoided. I walked away and stood next to Thai.

Later on Shuing and G's friend Betsy arrived and we all started the racing. It was pretty cool, but hard at the same time. I did pretty bad.

After that we went to Gurang's restaurant for dinner. G had only suggested it on facebook as a joke, because after F1 he said he planned to go to an Italian restaurant, but then Shuing was like "oh what? That was the whole point of tonight!" and with that slight push, G acquiesced, and we all headed to Gurang's restaurant.

I always thought this was a bad thing of Shuing. It's intrusive and disrespects a person's privacy to just rock up to their place without notice.

We went in and ordered our food and his parents told us that he was upstairs, and then later told us he left about 45 minutes ago. I messaged Gurang asking him where he was, and he called me and I put him on speaker phone, and when he heard his mum's voice, he figured out where we were and said he'd be here soon. When he arrived, he said he left home about two hours ago, and quickly ushered us out to get drinks. It was like he wanted us out of there asap.

I thought the food was kinda shit, but at least G enjoyed his presents. I gave him a G-Star t-shirt with a big 'G' on the front, and he tried it on. Malay, Thai and Brian gave him a Transformers book. Bobby gave him a singing lesson.

We all ended up at Max Brenna's at the uni. I spent the night talking to Bobby's wife, Michael L and Thai. I saw some similarities between his wife and Ele. Both seemed quite knowledgeable but also gullible when it came to beliefs. Or maybe all girls are like that.

After that Bobby and his wife left, and the rest of us stood outside talking and reminiscing about the old high school days for a while. Gurang obviously felt a bit uncomfortable I think, avoiding any photos and also trying to avoid us on facebook.

I drove Michael L and Thai home.

Hot pot with Jim and Mike

On Friday after work, I met up with Jim and Mike for hot pot. This whole thing was supposed to be a get together for One, but he cancelled last time because of a work function, then this time he claimed he was sick. Dog.

Nick was invited too but he said he couldn't get out of work. That's legit enough, since he works so far away.

I still thought it'd be a fun night, but not sure why, during the meal Jim seemed a bit quiet. Not sure if it was because I sat on Mike's side and he felt like it was a two vs one thing, or if he just doesn't get along too well with Mike.

Jim did make a dick joke early on, and I wondered again if he was bisexual.

The food was yummy just like last time I went with John and library guy, although the spicy soup was really hot.

After hot pot, we wandered around the city a bit before we settled for dessert at Guylian. We acted like girls, ordering dessert that looked fancy and taking photos of it, and sharing it. After that Jim drove me home.

Gambling / Iris / Angel

Been a bit of a hectic week, haven't had much time to post.

Monday
Met up with DC for coffee at noon. I guess the reason I initiated it was to 'keep in touch', but I think he may have thought I had an ulterior purpose. This sorta led to moments of awkward silence, when in actual fact I just wanted to see him.

We talked about work, and when I mentioned that someone got appointed as a Mag, he said that guy was a shark who stole clients. Basically the gist was that DC didn't like the guy.

Again, if you knew what I was thinking, you'd know why I asked DC what happens to people who go to the bar without any experience. He said that "those people usually drop off".

Tuesday
On Tuesday I went to the casino after work and won $740. I decided that that was enough to see a girl I had found on WeChat. She charged $500 for an hour and $800 for two hours, and her photos looked pretty hot, so I went with two hours.

It started raining on the way there from the casino, and she told me to meet her at an address which turned out to be a commercial building. She called me and asked me to wait there. When she arrived, she was quite attractive. She had an umbrella with her and we walked back to her place which was on a street behind the commercial building.

She told me her name was Iris and that she was from China. Her place was small, but cosy. I had a shower and then we talked on the bed for a bit. Maybe there was too much thinking from me again, but I found it hard to finish. We went so long that my head was full of sweat and I had to take a break. We laid there talking for a bit more and then continued, when I managed to finish the second time round.

She was a bit of a rip off, in the sense that her rates were quite high with no correlating service in return. She didn't like her nipples being touched and kept covering them. We did get along quite well though.

She said she had only been here for six months, but had been here previously in Melbourne with her sister. She said she spent two years in Singapore with her boyfriend but they broke up. She said she sells products to China online.

The only thing I didn't like was that she had a lot of luxury items. I saw a shoe box with the brand Jimmy Choo. All I know is that they're expensive. So I am pretty sure that will deter me from trying to see her outside of 'work'.

I offered to buy her dinner as she said she was hungry. We went across the road to the Malaysian place and I bought her some take away food and drink, then walked her back to the lights where we parted.

I caught a taxi home and had dinner with the family.

Given I had lost $800 on my credit card previously, this would've pretty much made up for it. But then I chose to spend it all on a punt. I said a long time ago that I could afford one or the other, but not both.

Wednesday
After work I went home, got changed and then headed out to the casino. I won $400, which I used to pay the two traffic fines I copped.

After that I went to basketball. I had a bit of a bad game, mainly because I had been out of it for two weeks since the city to surf. We lost a close game but to a team we shouldn't have lost to (Vipers).

Thursday
This must've been a record. In one day, I went to the casino three times.

I went at lunch and lost $2000. I felt so shit, that I went after work to try to chase it back. I won about $300 back and left. It would've been more, as I was up about $800. I was at a table and started talking to a couple of people. One was a lady who I have seen there for years but never spoken. Going by what we were saying, I think we were both addicts and regret our first visits. We also agreed that we'd never take our friends to the casino.

The other was an older man. He was telling me that craps was the better game to play, and told me that he lives in the Hilton hotel after separating from his wife. He said he is in horse racing and makes about $5000 per week. I was cool with all that, but then he started getting a bit personal, like asking me what I do, what type of law, why I gambled and how much I had lost.

I said I'd go get something to eat, so I lost him and walked around. I returned to the table, and shortly after he was there again. I changed tables again and he was following me. He was so annoying.

I had dinner at home, and then decided to go out again. This time I won $500, but in one of the most spectacular fashions.

I was just doing my normal strategy as usual, and was a bit down. Later on this Indian guy stood next to me and played. He played $1000 worth of chips on each spin. He had luck though, because a few times it landed on numbers where he either had the most or a lot of chips. He tripled his money in just one spin. I can only remember one spin where he lost it all.

Finally, after a while, I decided, fuck it, this guy's got some luck, so I'll try to ride it. I bet on my 1-2 sector, and saw he had placed a pile on 14. I followed and placed four chips there. The dealer spun up a double as it landed on 14 again.

This was the first time the Indian guy actually seemed happy. I told him and he said he was laughing because he had taken some chips off 14. Oh well, I was happy. That was a win of $1400 (gross) for me. I think my biggest ever.

There was a dealer change after that and we both left. I went to see Angel and booked for two hours. This would be the first time she saw me in a suit. It was a younger guy working at the reception. When I told him I had booked, he asked "for four hours?" I knew he was half joking, and I said "yeah if you give me a discount" lol.

To my disappointment, we got allocated a rather small room. I told Angel that and half joked that the longer I book, the smaller the room. We sat on the bed talking for a while as she leaned her head down on my stomach.

She said she had a busy day at school and told me some of the things she learnt. After a while we started fidgeting with each other, and I managed to get a peck on her lips. I joked that that was so good that I was going to leave now as I had gotten what I wanted. She asked if I came lol.

I kissed her chest and pulled down her shirt a bit as I sucked on her nipples. She was moaning, and after a while we decided to take a shower and both stripped off. We hugged a bit standing up, then she sat on the bed and went down on me as I stood there.

After that I got on top of her and went at it for a while, then we changed to doggy while I was standing up and she was on the bed. I couldn't finish, maybe too much thinking again. She ended up using her hand to finish me off.

We hugged a bit after that and chatted as from time to time I'd try to kiss her on the lips. She said "that's expensive" and I asked her how much, but I think she meant that a kiss couldn't be bought. She also said "that's illegal".

She also said she liked Gucci. She said she liked Prada and the others but Gucci was the cheapest out of all of them. We talked about the video arcade and I said I'd take her there but she didn't say anything. This time I was conscious not to ask her for her number as I didn't want to be too pushy.

She bit me hard on the left arm and we kept wrestling with each other. For some reason we both just couldn't stop laughing. It felt like a bit of a drug for me. I wonder if she just treated it as her job.

We talked about the girl who used to work there and was set alight a few years ago. She said she had heard of it and she was shocked when I told her the guy only got three years imprisonment. She said the guy was crazy.

She taught me how to say eyes, nose, lips and ear in Korean. I remember I think Naby teaching me, but now I can only remember lip and ear.

When time was up, we showered and she helped me to my cufflinks up.

Down in the dumpster

Friday night I had my long anticipated rendezvous with Angel. I called after I got home and the guy was like "maybe, she usually works Friday nights from 8". I called back at 9pm and booked. So I headed out with my chocolate strawberries. I had thought about not having sex and just talking, but then doing that and giving the chocolate strawberries would seem a bit weird and desperate.

It was either talk and no strawberries, or sex and strawberries. Or maybe sex and no strawberries. In the end I decided on sex and strawberries.

I went in and told the guy I had a booking. Moments later Angel came to get me. I recognised her, whereas before if you had asked me to remember what she looked like, I would've seriously struggled. She did look a bit older.

She led me to the room down near the back door on the ground floor. She saw me holding the container and asked me what it was. I said it was a secret. She kept asking and I said not to worry about it. She wouldn't let it go until I finally said I'd show her. I asked her if she trusted me and she said yes. I asked her to cover her eyes and she did. I put a strawberry to her mouth and she took a look at it before taking a bite.

She seemed to find it novel. I asked if she remembered my name but she had forgotten. She said she remembered we were in the room on the mid-floor and that we talked about Korea. I sat on the bed a bit, feeling tired, and she leaned against me as I held her head. She grabbed my chest and I grabbed hers. She half protested, saying it wasn't the same. I was like, how isn't it?

Soon we were fidgeting with each other and I was massaging her breasts, then when I moved to undo her shorts, she asked to shower. So we got undressed and I held her from behind and kissed her neck. She seems to like that.

We showered and then moved onto the bed. She did her usual stuff and like last time, I somehow couldn't bring myself to finish. Was I thinking too much? Was I thinking about Victoria?

We ended up talking, and I grabbed my phone. I asked for her Kakaotalk and she said maybe later. Hmm not a good sign. We got talking about money a bit, and I was playfully saying she didn't need it. I said we could live on the streets together, and she said she liked luxury. I asked her if she wanted to go hot pot one day and she seemed a little interested.

As we got dressed after the buzzer, I playfully suggested extending until she finished work. Obviously she agreed, but I asked her how much and she said it'd be about $1,000. I said I'd do it if she came to dinner with me after but she said no.

So I left, still feeling a little buzzed. I did consider grabbing $1000 and coming back, but then decided I'd try to see another girl first. I went to see one I found on Wechat a few days ago, called Jessie. I went to her apartment, and she was obviously working as a private. She looked Thai, but told me she was half Vietnamese and half Japanese.

I managed to finish this time, and left. Thankfully that did it for me and I went home.

Saturday
I didn't have any plans, and didn't go to basketball because I wanted to be cautious with my knee. It was still a little sore from the City2Surf. There was no point risking it for streetball. So at about noon, I headed out to the casino with $800.

My plan was to try to win as much as I could. I'd give myself as much time as possible. I felt like I could stay there forever...and drown all my sorrows away as well.

There were no 'good' tables around when I arrived. Most were empty, although one was somewhat busy with about three players. I watched on and decided to wait for someone to lose and leave. I had time. One Asian guy had lost a few spins and was getting frustrated. He cashed in his remaining chips and left.

I took his seat and bought in. The dealer was a young Caucasian girl. She was about to give me the same colour as the guy who just left until I said any colour but that. I was a little superstitious. Because there were other players around, I could afford to sit and wait till I thought it would hit in my sectors.

I was up a little bit then started slowly losing. There was a dealer change soon after, a young Asian guy. I had him as a dealer before, and saw him on another table earlier but didn't like the look of him. I guess I just didn't like his slicked back hair. He also looked a bit like a dick. He did, however, have the same name as me.

Within the his first two spins, he managed to clean everyone out - except me. They all left, but there was an older Asian man sitting at the end watching. Somehow, the three of us got into a long talk about gambling. I did play a few rounds during this but we spent most of his shift on this table talking. We talked about:

- he told us that the casino was losing money on the $5 tables and that's why they introduced the $10 tables and added a '00' for the $5 tables
- he said there is a $25 roulette table, and that only needs one customer a day to cover its costs for the day
- the older man said that there used to be a 'temporary casino' while this was being built, apparently they wanted to make the most of their licence as soon as it was issued
- the dealer said he knew all the strategies in roulette
- the dealer said he gambles as well, but only inter-state
- he said he gets paid $20 per hour (net)
- there is a lady who goes to the casino every day with like $10-20,000 and wins $200 and leaves

I got the feeling that the dealer was a little bitter about his job, and that he was money hungry. He definitely seemed like the type that could be coaxed into doing some sort of fraud against the casino. He even mentioned past frauds briefly, and added that when he takes his uniform off outside, the casino won't know the difference between him and me.

Interestingly, throughout all this I was trying to keep an eye on the supervisor - that young Korean girl I had seen before. She is so attractive in that plain Jane type of way. I wondered if the dealer would get into trouble for talking too much, but then again, at least he was keeping us at the table. I felt a bit bad about not playing that much, but I suppose I could've cashed in and just sat there talking like the older man.

After he left, there wasn't much more talk from me. His replacement dealer was a tall Vietnamese looking guy who knew the older man, but didn't seem to want to talk to me. I managed to survive through his shift, and then a large Caucasian bald man with a moustache took over. I survived him too. After that was an old Caucasian man, who I thought was gay. His name was Anthony.

A few times I was on my deathbed, but soon I was up about $140. I told myself to win $10 more and try to wait for the Caucasian girl to come back, just as a feat to go through all their shifts. However, I didn't stick to my word. Even when she started her shift on my table again, I didn't leave. I told myself I could win a bit more.

With all the previous dealers, I was lucky enough that they never went on a streak of hitting the same section more than four times. And so based on that, I ended up predicting with some luck when the different sector would hit. The trouble was, I assumed this girl would be the same. She actually ended up hitting the 1-2 sector like 8 times in a row which ultimately killed me.

I was mentally fucked. Keep in mind I had been there for like five hours. Only time I left was to go to the toilet during Anthony's shift. Even before I lost, I was feeling a bit dizzy. I hadn't had breakfast or lunch. Part of me wanted to faint. And now, added on top of that was a loss when I could've left with a win.

I left feeling like shit (what a surprise). It was raining, and I went to the McDonald's nearby. I had a meal and sat down next to a bunch of Koreans. I felt really, really depressed. And alone. I really hadn't taken the Victoria rejection well. Metaphorically, I was down in the dumpster.

Later that night, I tried calling the bank to reinstate my re-draw facility on my personal loan, but they kept me on hold for too long.

Today
Again, I had no plans. I woke up and then went back to sleep. I thought about taking out the last $400n from my credit card and slamming it down in one bet at the casino. I thought about going for a punt.

In the end, I did neither. I played video games at home, and then vacuumed the house. I then went out to do some grocery shopping. While at the supermarket, I remembered the idea to make a donut burger. So I bought the necessary ingredients and went home to make one and took photos of it.

I was glad I didn't do anything stupid. However, this morning I did manage to get through to the bank and get my re-draw facility reinstated. They told me (again) that if I deactivate it again, then it's permanent.

Maybe it's the gambling me talking, but I have a plan to use the money to try to pay off the loan. Yeah yeah, I've done it before and got fucked up. So what's different now? Well, nothing much, but this time I will:

- keep a written record of my winnings and losings
- focus on being disciplined
- take $2000 with me to the casino, and leave as soon as my gain is $100 or more

If I lose $2000, then that's the end of it.

Let's see how this turns out.

Also today, I changed my Kakaotalk picture to one of me and Jin. I then sent Victoria a game invite. She read it at about 9am. Wonder what she thinks. Am I a dickhead? Probably.

Dangerously close to losing your salary

I had a very vague plan to gamble on Friday, the day I'd be receiving the proceeds from the sale of my shares on Monday. However, scumbag brain came up with an even better idea - gamble with the money I'd receive today from my fortnightly pay.

So lo and behold, after work I withdrew $2000 and went to the casino. I saw the same young semi-attractive dealer there, and played at her table. I was up a bit and then there was a dealer change to a big Tongan lady. Slowly, I was up a bit more than $800.

There were two old Chinese ladies sitting at the end of the table talking about the numbers. They weren't playing, but on one spin, one of them rushed to place bets on the first and second dozens. It landed on 15 so she won. She couldn't reach her chips so I pushed them towards her. After the next spin, I heard her start complaining to her friend in Cantonese that she was short one chip.

The dealer knew what was wrong and started explaining it to her. I then started explaining it to her in Cantonese. This went on for a while but she was adamant that she was short a chip. When I suggested she could check the cameras, she refused, saying it was only $10 anyway.

That seemed to ruin the mood for me. The dealer then spun up like five 0-3 sectors in a row, and I had bet in three of them so lost a lot. The old ladies were talking about me, and I wanted to get away so cashed in the $400 I had left (plus still had $800 in my wallet).

I went to another table where I played with a dealer who looked a bit like the devil. I was only there for a short time before leaving with a $200 gain.

I moved to another table where the dealer was a large lady. I made a small amount before there was a dealer change. The new dealer was kinda funny, he kept saying "thanks" and little things like that. I lost a bit playing here, and was close to losing the lot.

Dude, you're going to lose your whole salary...

I didn't care. I thought about the pain Victoria had caused me and it drove me to be reckless. I had nothing to live for.

I placed a large bet on the 0-3 sector and...it landed on 32. I was already down a lot, but I had two straight ups here and three splits - 121 chips. That was $1,210. I had now made a $560 profit.

I cashed out immediately and left. I went home for dinner. I had come too close to disaster.

I can't gamble anymore.

Karen

Why do I keep doing things I don't want to do...

I met up with Sarah today for coffee. She wanted 11am which meant I had to disappear from the office which made me feel a bit uncomfortable, but oh well. We had a really nice chat. She was frank enough to tell me how much she was making (same as what I'm getting now) and start swearing lol.

She said only I could make the decision as to whether I should go or not, and she was right. Though later on she seemed to push me to go, saying I had passed the exams, I had to give it a go, and the worst that could happen is I start again at a young age. Those are some really valid points.

I couldn't help but 'slip in' a question - asking her how people managed going to the bar when they have had no previous experience. Of course, if you knew the full story, you'd know I was asking about Victoria, and perhaps Albert. Maybe there is a little bit of hatred in me about all this. She said that they definitely "struggled", and that the only ones who do well are the ones who get big corporate matters, but these are usually the really academic ones.

We ended up spending about an hour, so could've had lunch.

Towards the end of the day I was feeling a combination of sadness from the whole Victoria thing and a bit frisky. I told myself to wait until Friday to see Angel, but my sadness was too much. I had only about $300 left on my credit card after losing that $800, and I withdrew it to try a place that was advertised on the forums. They made it sound so good, but as always, I was disappointed.

It wasn't really a 'shop', but it was that Love Hotel, and I guess you book it and they send the girl over. The girl was a 19 year old (she actually did seem around that age) Japanese/Russian girl. Not the prettiest, but kinda cute.

We showered separately, and then sat on the bed talking for a bit. She seemed into money, so I lied and said I was a stock trader (didn't want to reveal I was a lawyer). After that there was a lot of kissing, and heavy petting. After a while we finally got to the sex. Despite my right knee hurting to much that I could barely walk down a slope, it didn't really pose any difficulties for me now.

Afterwards we laid there and talked. She seemed to want to see me again, either as a customer or a 'friend', but I deliberately didn't ask for her number. I couldn't see us having much fun outside of the bedroom (or even again in the bedroom). Funnily enough it made me appreciate the chemistry that I had with Angel.

When I got home I played Last of Us and realised what a horrible feeling it was to do something like that which I didn't want to do. And to top it off, I blew $360 on it. Goddamn.

City 2 Surf / Malay and Brain's birthday

Yesterday was the City 2 Surf. Had done next to none training, apart from those two days where I did a lap of the park. Malay met me at my place and we caught the bus out. Once we got there, we scavenged for safety pins to stick our bibs on. I noticed that Malay was on the lookout for safety pins for Thai, but made no mention of Shuing.

We waited near the fountain for a while before we found Thai, then Shuing. We headed off to the race area, and as like last year, there were thousands of people so it took a while just to walk to the start line. Even then, there were a few minutes of walking before people were dispersed enough to start jogging.

I was surprised to see Malay and Shuing take off early on a pace I thought was faster than necessary. Thai trailed behind them and I jogged behind him. Pretty soon we managed to lose each other, though I stuck with Thai, and I assumed Shuing and Malay were together.

We only really stopped at the water/Gatorade stands, but probably around halfway Thai did stop a few times to walk. I didn't think it was too big of a deal since last year Malay stopped at the toilets for like 20 minutes, so I figured not stopping for a toilet break would surely ensure that we beat last year's time.

Also around halfway I felt pins and needles in my feet and lost feeling in my legs for a while. But I told myself to keep going. I looked down at the asphalt and thought about Victoria and all the sadness that it entailed. I thought about all the bad wrong things I had done in my life, and they motivated me to keep running.  Like I said above, the only times I stopped was for drinks and Thai. At times I wished Thai wouldn't go so slow, but I didn't want to leave him behind either.

From time to time I'd talk to him, but largely he ran behind me and my mind wandered around to Victoria, gambling and my past.

Around three quarters of the way I felt pain in my right knee. It was enough to make me want to stop, but I thought, damage be damned, I'm doing this. And I kept going.

Eventually we reached the finish line and I jumped up and down for the cameras. To our surprise, Thai and Malay had already finished. I couldn't believe it. Later I would find out that we had a worse time than last year, although Malay got the same time as last year. I'm still trying to make sense of that. Thai said I probably could've gone faster if I didn't wait for him. I didn't say anything, but he was right.

After that we went to the shopping centre nearby and had KFC and Brain joined us. Part of me wondered if Victoria would be around.

Brain drove us home and I had a shower and ended up lying in my bed, drifting off to a short nap. I woke up with serious pain in my right knee, causing me to limp. What made it worse was that my mother forcefully told me to bring the 25kg bag of rice up from the car. I had decided not to, but out of frustration, I did it. One step at a time.

The pain in my knee was familiar. It was similar to the pain I had when I would train shortly after my surgery. I couldn't really bend it. So I had to walk down the stairs one step at a time.

Later on, I picked up Malay and Brain. Then we went to Shuing's place to get him. When he came out, he was sick. Not really sure from what, but he said he had a headache and felt like vomiting. He was standing outside my car. We told him to forget about the dinner and to rest at home. As soon as we said that, he said he could come and got into my car. I knew it. He just wants to defy whatever we say. We should've said the opposite.

We went to pick up Thai from Central. Shuing was annoying me because he kept mumbling shit in the back of my car.

We arrived at Chinksford and met G there. We picked a Malaysian restaurant, and shortly after sitting down, G and I went out to get the presents. We gave Malay the fake PS4, and he fell for it at first until we told him to open it lol. Brain really liked his fishing rods.

Shuing annoyed me further by being a total dick. I told G and Brain that I had passed my exams, and G was like "so now you can open up a bar". I looked at him blankly and said that joke had been done like 10 years ago. That immediately prompted Shuing to say "actually I thought that was pretty funny".

WELL THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU LAUGH??

To my surprise, he acted like a dick towards G as well. G came up with a suggestion for his own birthday party, and Shuing sarcastically said "that's a great idea".

Later, I showed the guys a photo I had edited with photoshop, showing the current me standing next to myself about five years ago. I asked them if it looked real and Shuing again sarcastically said "yeah, who's the other guy?"

Then at the end he deliberately pretended to be sick by asking "where's my laksa? I ordered a laksa" Malay thought he was really sick, but I knew he was playing games, so I put my cross-examination skills to the test. I asked him "what laksa was it?" and he paused for a while before he said it was beef. I asked him if it was a male or female who took his order and he stopped to think before he said "I took the order". Ok, alright mate.

Then when we left the restaurant, I asked G to drive Shuing home, and Shuing refused, saying he got his "second wind" and would come in my car. Uninvitedly, he got into my car, and so I dropped him off first. I was annoyed at his attitude, and I was afraid he would throw up in my car. Luckily,. he did get out without any difficulty.

I drove us to drop Thai off and he was complaining about how his wife raised his kid differently to how he wanted to. I thought he was at least lucky to be married.

I then dropped Brain off, then Malay. All in all it was a good day and night.

"Angel"

On Friday after work I went home, picked up the car and drove out to Parra to meet Bush, Kylie and their colleague Liz for dinner. When I got to the restaurant they were already seated and had started on the entree.

Apparently we were celebrating not only me passing the exams, but also Bush on getting a temporary assistant manager's role and Liz getting a level 3 role.

We talked about my exams and a bit about my work before Liz mentioned that she was joining Group 6. I was a bit taken aback because I thought Bush should've mentioned it to me before I blabbered my mouth off about my work. Group 6 works closely with my office. I sat there for a few moments trying to think of whether I had said anything bad about my work before she mentioned this. I don't think so.

The food was pretty good, and there was belly dancing. I was afraid they'd ask me to dance and they did, but I just resisted. There was a really hot girl at a table who got up and danced, I reckon she was a professional. She was pretty damn good.

We bumped into Charlie there too. At the end we decided to play a prank by sending him our bill lol. He came over and had a bit of a chat with us.

After dinner I offered Kylie and Liz a ride but Liz refused and Kylie had to catch the train with her. Bush was undecided on whether she should pick up her car from the garage, and I felt like having a chat with her so persuaded her to come in my car.

She did, and we had a bit of a heart to heart chat as I told her about Victoria. She agreed with me that it seemed like a date if I picked her up, paid for the meal and drove her home. She seemed to sympathise with me a bit and told me to wait 1-2 weeks but also said I was a good guy and there were plenty of single girls out there blah blah.

We talked for a while outside her home before she left. I felt lonely again, and the proceeds from my shares had come in so was feeling the itch. I knew I should never go to the casino on Friday nights, but I couldn't resist.

I withdrew $1800 and went. As expected, the atmosphere was mostly drunk and hazy. I was too tired from the night to focus, and lost $1200 rather easily. Unlike usual, I decided to leave without gambling the rest of my money. I decided to go have a punt. I went to Naby's old shop, my favourite haunt, and...it was closed. I saw some mail there which looked like it hadn't been picked up. I wonder what happened to it?

I decided to go to Jin's old shop, the one where I met her in the first place. Crazy, I know huh? I obviously wasn't thinking straight. It's been a long time, but I didn't know if they'd know what had happened between us. I figured they'd at least know I dated her. But how would the shop react to a customer who tries to date their girls? Would I get beat up?

As I walked to their entrance, I pictured myself getting kicked and punched in the alley leading to their door. I buzzed and an old, fat man came to open the door for me. There wasn't anyone waiting, and I was shown five girls. Had this joint gone down the drain or something? On a Friday night I would've expected this place to be busy.

I watched intently as the five girls introduced themselves one by one. I was trying to identify anyone I might recognise. Suri? Jin Ju? Hongy?

None.

All five kinda looked similar with so much make up on. I ended up picking the last girl, Angel.

She came to get me and led me to the room which is halfway up the stairs. I remembered being in here with Jin. *sigh*

"Angel" and I kinda hit it off. She asked me where I was from and I said "hangul" and she said I wasn't and called me a liar in Korean lol. We showered, and found out she had been here for a year but didn't know where Tosung was, and I laid on the bed face up. She did her thing, kissing my chest then going down on me. I noticed while she was doing this, she liked to look up at me and then later held my hand.

When she got on top of me, she kept looking into my eyes and then brought me up to sit with her before asking me to get on top. She was so bloody hot as I went at it from top, but it was funny, because even though she was so hot, I didn't really feel any "sexual" excitement. I guess I was still thinking about Victoria.

She asked to go doggy style and so we did, but after a short time I went soft and told her I was tired. We started talking and I told her I had been to Korea last December and showed her the photos. We talked as I showed her the photos, and one of them had my name on the love lock and I said "my Chinese name" and she's like "you're Chinese!" as I had inadvertently told her after refusing to tell her lol. She told me she was from Busan and I said I knew where that was.

When I showed her the photo of the plastic surgery advertisements, she asked me why I didn't do it. I said I did, and pointed to my groin which made her laugh. She asked me why I kept my head shaved and I said it was for basketball as it made me run faster and she laughed. She said she likes basketball too, and I said I'd play her one day, and she said she just likes to watch.

After that we flipped onto our stomachs to talk. I asked her how old she was and she said it was a secret. I asked her how to say secret in Korean and it was like "pi-mil". She asked me and I asked her to guess. She first guessed 28, then 32. If I had to guess, I reckon she'd be really close to 30, or early 30's. Her voice just seemed a little more mature.

I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said she couldn't have a boyfriend if she was in this job. She said if she got a normal job then she could have a boyfriend. I told her to get a normal job and she said she needed the money for rent in Korea. I asked if she'd go back and she said she misses Korea but didn't have money for the flight.

I asked where she'd been in Australia, and she said Wollongong and the Opera House. I asked what she did in Wollongong and she couldn't really answer, so I suspect she went there for work. I asked if she'd been to the zoo and she said no but would like to. I said I'd take her there and she said she didn't know me. I said I didn't say when, and it could be in two years, and she playfully hit me.

She asked me what I did and I said it was a secret. She used her hair clip to clip my ear and asked again. I asked her to guess and she guessed stuff like builder, and each time she got it wrong I kissed her on the shoulder. Eventually I told her, and she was smart enough to ask which area of law, and I told her crime. I did preface it with me having no money and she asked if it was because I was lazy. I gestured that I would sleep in the office.

Found out that she worked from 9pm to 3am that night, and that she studies English during the day so she gets tired. She said she doesn't drink soju, but drinks everything else. She said she smokes but is trying to cut down, and only does it because of stress. She said she gets stressed because of work and not knowing the language. I thought her English was pretty ok. She mentioned that she didn't have any friends here and felt lonely.

I studied her face and said she looks better with long hair (as she previously had it tied up). She said all guys prefer long hair, and told me that she was wearing extensions. I told her I was wearing them too and she laughed.

She started holding my hand, and I pretended to read her palm. I said she'd meet a handsome lawyer tonight, and she kept saying "handsome??" haha. She read mine and said I'd meet a perfect girl lol. I asked her to show me her teeth, and they weren't the best, but I said yeah she is perfect.

Later on she asked if I wanted a drink, and I was like "you make it?" and she said yes. I asked for water made by her and she laughed lol. She came back with water for me and a cup of coffee for her. I joked that the water she made was really good. I had a sip of her coffee. After that we sat up and she started tickling me. I tried to hold her hands but she kept wriggling free. I tried to tickle her but she wasn't ticklish. She said she was stronger than me, but I was just trying to be gentle.

I don't know, we just seemed to hit it off and had lots of laughs. There was some intense eye contact at times as we held hands. I think she is looking for a boyfriend of some sort. If this was a few years ago, I'd suspect that she was faking all this, but from what I've learnt, even though they are prostitutes, a lot of them can't fake emotions and camaraderie. You can't fake that "click" you have with someone.

As her buzzer went, I felt a bit sad that I had to go. And I got the feeling she may have felt the same way. We showered and as we got dressed she picked up my cardigan and I asked her to put it on. She looked sexy as hell, even better than naked, and I used my hands to form a camera and pretended to take a photo of her.

Despite all the fun we had, I did get the feeling that she was open to talking about "serious" things, and she may have even been a little depressed. I remember her using that word but can't remember what we were talking about.

I playfully asked her what my name was to test her memory, knowing that I had never told her. However, she remembered my Chinese name and tried to pronounce it. I told her my English name and said that was my Australian name. She asked if I was a citizen and I said yes. So she probably sees citizenship as a benefit. I don't really care anymore, just don't ask me for money.

As I grabbed my wallet and phone, I ended up standing up close to her face to face. She covered my mouth with her hand, and I playfully leaned forward to try to kiss her, bumping the back of her hand into her lips each time. Finally, she leaned forward and kissed my left cheek.

I woke up this morning wondering if that was all a dream?

Friends therapy

Back at work today, enjoyed being busy almost immediately, though after the initial rush, I found myself at moments staring out the window thinking. At close to noon, I saw Ele had sent me messages on Wechat asking if I was free for lunch. Good timing, as I had thought about asking her but wondered if seeing her twice in one week was good, and I had no real lunch plans anyway.

I first went to Downies to get some $1 coins. Bought 40 for $70. Why? Because apparently they have low mintage and are worth more than their face value.

I then met Ele near her work and we walked to the food court at TGV for lunch. Surprisingly, for most of the meal we didn't talk about what had happened. We talked about my decision to go to the bar, and surprisingly, we talked about Brian.

She mentioned how she didn't like Brian was always so quiet. She said she has no friends like that. She didn't agree with me that it seemed like he was judging us, but she said people like him are selfish. I agree.

She also told me Eva was dating another guy, which was kinda surprising. I always thought she was still hung up on Michael.

I suggested we go for a walk after eating, and as we left the food court, I told her I took the day off yesterday. She said she knew, she said she knew I needed to recover from it. I told her about the phone call, then we got into a mini argument about the difference between men and women.

I told her there was a big difference between the way men and women think, that basically men don't ask women out unless they liked her. She disagreed. I kept saying, from a guy's perspective, but she asked me not to think from a guy's perspective.

As we walked into her building, she told me that I had spent my earlier years focused on other things instead of communicating, and so I was bad at it now. She said that was why Michael was the first to get married out of all of us. It stunned me. She was right. She said Michael was better than me in this regard. She was right. It was tough to hear, but I think it was the truth.

She said she was glad this happened to me because I took the first step towards becoming a better man. She said I will learn from this. She offered me a hug before we parted. I was glad we talked. But I still maintained that the guy's perspective was right.

After work I met with Jim for dinner. We were supposed to gym, but I suggested skipping it as I just wanted to talk. We went to Pizza Hut again for the buffet, and I started things off by asking him about his trip to Melbourne last week. I wasn't really interested, and don't think he was either, since it was just a family thing.

Then we got to the crux of it - I told him about what had happened, and we had a long discussion about it. He agreed with me that it should've been obvious to her that I was interested, but maintained his claim that guys and girls could be just friends.

The surprising thing was, I asked him what chances I had of recovering from this in the sense that she may initiate contact, and he said about 30%. I was thinking more like 0.003%. He said this was because it's in the first week, but in the second week it may drop to 15%.

I also asked him on a scale of 1-10, how badly I fucked up, and surprisingly he said 3. He said I didn't really do anything wrong. I guess he may be right.

It was good to talk to my friends about this. I feel like a lot has been vented. I had initially booked a session with my psychologist, but then later cancelled. I suppose my friends provided me with the therapy I needed.

Recovery day

This morning I drove out to her house and placed the usb on her door handle to return it. I thought this was a good a time as any, given she will be moving soon anyway.

When I got home, I decided to take the day off work and recover. I'd do the Rupert Murdoch thing, where he gets sad for one day and then gets over it.

For most of the day, I felt ok. Sometimes a bit sad, but sometimes I would have bursts of positive thoughts, like how it was a good thing that I did it now rather than later. I felt like I could've gone deeper in terms of my feelings for her, so it was good to do it now while it wasn't as severe.

However, I think most of my sadness was in the subconscious mind. I played Last of Us and had horrible games. No matter how hard I tried, I wasn't myself. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go to work.

I had sold some shares on Friday and was waiting for the money to come into my account so I could go gambling. I waited all day and in the end it never came.

So at 6pm I drove out, withdrew $800 from my credit card and went to the casino. I went to a table where there was a fairly talkative Vietnamese looking dealer with a not so talkative old man. I probably didn't help as I sat there quietly while she spun. I realised that the casino was now a place for me to come and think. Kinda like the equivalent of a bar for someone who drinks. Only that I could lose or win money. Mostly lose I suppose.

I was up at around $160 before almost losing all my chips. That streak of the 0-3 sector nearly killed me. Later on there was pit boss change. The girl looked quite young. I heard her say she was 27 when she was talking to the dealer. She had dyed hair and rectangular glasses which suited her face and eyes perfectly. I thought she was quite attractive in a plain Jane kinda way. Her name was Sally. I would've guessed she was Chinese.

Then there was a dealer change. Another female, whom I would've guessed was Chinese. Then I heard this dealer and the pit boss speaking another language. Was it...yes it was. It was Korean.

I decided to leave when I was up $160 as it was time to go to basketball anyway. I thought I would say "thank you" in Korean, but my self doubt kept asking "what if you're wrong?" As she presented the chips count to the pit boss and handed it to me, I said "is it, kamsahamnida?" but I only mumbled the "is it" and they only heard the last word. They both laughed as I walked away.

I need to have more confidence in myself.

Which reminds me, today at home I watched a youtube video on self esteem. It made some good points. I need to watch it again.

So after the casino I went to my car and found a parking ticket for $104. Great.

I then drove off to basketball. We won, rather easily in the end. For 3/4 of the game it seemed to be close, but we pulled away and won by like 22 or something. I scored like four or six points and ran the court, handing out assists. For most of the game I felt ok, though there were moments when I would think about what had happened with Victoria.

After the game, everyone was shooting around and I just sat there. I felt too old and tired to shoot around with them, but on top of that I felt sad as well. It was like my adrenaline wearing off also revealed my sadness. I sat there for a long time which must've seemed weird.

I drove to the Macca's near home to get some food to eat. I hadn't eaten anything all day apart from finishing 3/4 of a pack of chips and some biscuits. I just didn't have an appetite. It's funny how your mood can affect your appetite.

Anyway, I guess it's time to move on.

It's over (Victoria)

Whilst typing the last entry, Ele sent me messages, telling me to be a real man and express my feelings, and that there was no shame in being rejected. Putting aside the fact that she was now chastising me for following her advice, I knew she was right.

So I went out and called Victoria. She picked up. I apologised for earlier and she said it was ok. I explained why I did what I did, and that it was because I had something on my mind on Saturday and I apologised if I was a bit flat that day. She said she didn't seem to think so. I said I was trying to think of a way to tell her how I felt, and then finally I told her that I liked her. I told her she could do with that as she wished.

Silence.

I kept talking.

I told her I couldn't be friends with someone I liked, and that she would've guessed that I liked her. I told her I had done it before and it hurt to watch a friend get a boyfriend and then get married. I told her guys don't invite girls out one on one if they're not interested in them. I told her that when she went back to Korea and told me she needed surgery, I was worried about her. I told her she didn't reply to any of my messages so part of me assumed the worst. She said she was sorry as she didn't mean to cause me to worry. I said she didn't need to apologise as it wasn't her fault. I told her that that was when I realised I liked her.

I waited for her to say something. She said this was all a bit sudden. I said I didn't want to put pressure on her.

I tried to steer things around. I told her that I thought we had some things in common, and that we had the same values - don't smoke, drink or do drugs, and that we get along well. She agreed with those points. She said she cared about me and that I had become a good friend after all these months. She said she was sad to lose a friend.

I told her that I remembered she once told me she trusted me but felt like she didn't know me that well. I told her there were things I kept guarded, and that I was close to telling her, but I didn't want people to use it against me, not that she would.

She told me she did realise a bit on Saturday that I may have liked her. She said when I gave her the engraved pen, it was a bit personal. She said another friend gave her a pen but it wasn't engraved. I told her that it goes back to what we talked about before about the different languages of love, and that I was raised that way, and so that was my way of expressing it, by buying things.

We said goodbye, and then I hung up.

Screwed up with Victoria...

I was expecting a call from her this morning, but nothing. Why not? What had happened? What did I do? Or what didn't I do?

I had lunch with Ele, with the main purpose to talk about it. We went to the laksa place in TGV. Before I could tell her all the facts, she stopped me and said my problem was that I wasn't direct enough. She told me to be direct, and relayed the story of how her husband had just told her "you're my girlfriend".

She told me to get some flowers, and tell her - not ask - that I would be at her place at 7:30pm. At first I thought this was stupid, but after lunch Ele took me to the florist and showed me some flowers. I still thought it was a stupid idea, but somehow during the afternoon, the idea grew on me.

Yes...I could do it. Call her and let her know I just wanted to see her for a short while. I'd give her the usb back, and hide the flowers behind my back, bring it forward into sight, and ask "will you be my girlfriend?"

So after work, I went to a florist and bought a rose. Felt like a complete tool holding it on the bus. Not sure if there was a proper way of holding a rose, but pretty sure I was holding it wrong.

I went home to get the car and drove off to Bondi. I went past her house and at first thought there was no one home, but then saw the lights upstairs were on. I drove to the shopping centre to buy a bus ticket whilst waiting for her to call back. She had in fact called back whilst I was on the bus, but I didn't want to talk on the bus. So I called when I got home and there was no answer. Now I was walking through the shopping centre waiting for her to call. I couldn't wait and sent her a message "are you home?"

No reply. After I got my bus ticket, I went back to my car and tried to drive to the beach but got lost. On the way I called her again. This time she picked up. I asked her if she was home and she said she wasn't. My first instinct was that she was lying because her lights were on, but then I heard background noises. I told her I got something from the city today that I needed to show her. She asked if it could wait as she was sick. I said it was an urgent surprise. She said she didn't like surprises.

I asked if she'd be home at 7:30pm and she said she might, and I said I'd be there, remembering Ele's words to take control. She asked me why I was being so insistent, and I knew then that I should back off, so I said alright, I won't come. I asked if she wanted to go out on Saturday and she said she might be meeting friends. I said I'd wait to hear from her.

My mind was running a million miles per hour. I called Ele while driving and told her what had happened. She asked if I was near Victoria's house, and I said yes. She told me to leave the flowers there. I told her no. She kept fighting with me to leave it then. Finally I lied and said I would.

By now I was parked outside her house. I called that Men's Relationship helpline and talked to a guy about the situation. He hit some core points, saying it had to do with my self esteem. I was crying.

After the call, I sat in the car for a bit before leaving.

The impact...

I woke up at 3am.

Checked my phone and went back to sleep.

I woke up at 4am.

Checked my phone. Sent some angry messages to Sung Yeon for not replying to me. I knew I was taking my anger out on her. My anger at being ignored. My anger that girls feel they can just do the 'fade' and hope the guy quietly goes away.

I thought about sending Victoria a message to say I couldn't sleep. I thought about sending her a message lying to say I was in hospital to draw sympathy.

I didn't.

I called Jin. With a blocked number. No answer.

I haven't had much sleep, all because of this. Why didn't she call me back?

Capturing my depression

Last night I got bored, or felt the urge - both to gamble and punt - so I went out to the casino. Part of it had to do with what I perceived to be a bad sign from Victoria ("we'll see") but part of it had to do with the urges.

I withdrew $800 from my credit card and went. I got stopped at the entrance for an ID check, and I was like "I don't look under 18 do I?" This seemed to put the Indian guard off, as he didn't know how to respond but said "you look under 25". Wow, never knew under 25s weren't allowed into the casino. I have a feeling the casino is doing this as they feel like I am walking out with their money more often than not.

I found a table with two Asian men gambling. The history of the wheel suggested it was favourable to my 1-2 section, but I wanted to wait for a hit in the 28-29 section before I placed a bet. On the second spin, both of the men lost all their chips as it landed on 4. Then on the next spin, I placed a bet. It landed on 24. I had three splits and was the only one with chips on the number. The two men left and I was the only one remaining.

I had now hit my target of $300 but I felt bad just leaving. So I played the next spin even though I shouldn't have. I won. I now had a $490 gain and decided to get the fuck out of there.

I went for a punt with the Wechat agency. This time they directed me to 300 Pitt Street. It turned out to be like opposite Jin's apartment. Wow. Anyway, met the girl downstairs, wasn't sure if she was the girl or the mamasan, but turned out to be the girl. She had lots of pimples and wasn't very attractive. It was a complete waste of $250.

Today
I ate my peanut butter sandwich in the office, then decided to see if Taran was up for a coffee. He was, and we ended up going to that cafe that Victoria took me to once. We had a bit of a whinge about the investigators at first, then talked about going to the bar. I got what I wanted, which was to ensure that he didn't resign prematurely, making me look like the bad guy when I would resign with 2-3 weeks notice.

We both talked about being nervous and excited about going to the bar. His main concerns were finding chambers and a tutor. My main concern was failing. But I think we both felt like we needed to give it a go. He did say it was an option for me to stay in my job for a few more years and take the exams later. He said I only didn't want to re-do the exams now because the traumatising experience was still fresh. Maybe he had a point.

Another good point he made was that had Monika or David come back from their secondments, the office wouldn't have hesitated in saying goodbye to me, hence I shouldn't feel too bad about leaving. Bottom line was, I needed to look after myself. What he said appealed to me even more because he was in a similar position to me when we were both waiting on news about our contracts. He agreed that it was ridiculous that Monika and David could keep delaying their decision as to whether to come back.

We talked for a long time, much longer than the one hour lunch we were allowed. I suggested we head back as I had a TI appointment with Vic at 2:15pm.

I stayed back at work until 7pm and was happy to, as I kept myself occupied with fixing up some observations. Then I went to the gym and did my usual hectic workout except weights, as I felt a bit of pain in my left shoulder and didn't want to risk it.

I had decided to call Victoria after gym. I would ask her about her lunch yesterday, and tell her that I forgot one thing Karen mentioned, which was that the bar aimed to keep the number of members to around 11,000, indicating that the exams were indeed scaled, contrary to what they claimed. I would also tell her about Taran's decision.

I called at 8pm and it rang and rang. No answer. On the bus home, I kept holding my phone waiting for it to ring. It did. Twice. But it was library guy and my dad. From the moment she didn't pick up the phone, a sinking feeling had taken over me. I pictured her looking at the phone and deciding not to answer it. Because she didn't want to. She didn't want to speak to me.

Each time I looked at my phone thereafter, the feeling sunk deeper. I started to think about moving on, and how I wouldn't contact her again if she didn't call back. I kept checking Whatsapp to see if she would come online. She didn't. Maybe she was busy? I thought about the times early in my relationship with Jin when she wouldn't call back. It made me feel a bit better.

I needed to take a longer term view of things, instead of calling doom and gloom on one small incident. Besides, shouldn't a person have 24 hours to return a call? When I think like that, it relieves me of my anxiousness.

But as time goes on right now, I can't help but feel more and more depressed.


What did I do wrong?



Edit @ 10:06pm - great, she was on Whatsapp 30 minutes ago.

"We'll see"?

Had basketball yesterday for the usual three hours, was a bit annoying because it was so windy. After that I went home, had a shower and got ready to meet Victoria. I even gave the car a quick wash too, which was lucky because I didn't realise how dirty it was. My dad had scratched the front right wheel area a couple of weeks ago and has now done a real bad paint job on it. Much annoyed.

I was planning to go to the park and feed some ducks with her, so grabbed a used loaf of bread with me into the car, as well as the pen I had engraved for her. I drove over to her place and was about 10 minutes late, but she didn't call to hurry me up or anything. I guess she trusts that I'll turn up.

I arrived and called her. Took a bit for her to pick up but when she did, she said she was coming. She came out in either the same or similar coat she wore last time, but this time no heels. I wonder if it was because of last time me saying I noticed she was wearing heels and she said sorry. She gave me a bag of o-deng as I had previously half jokingly asked for it.

As we drove off, I asked if she ever had problems finding parking on her street as it seemed quite packed but she said no. I asked her about her apartment hunting and she said she went to look at one but it was too old. She told me that she was actually buying, whereas I thought she would be renting. She also  mentioned later that her mum would come over to inspect the apartment first.

I asked her if she had any suggestions as to where to go, and as expected she said no, so I suggested Fox Studios and she said ok. I figured we could go feed the ducks after eating.

She said something about me going to the bar in 2-3 years time and I corrected her saying I was going next May. Not sure where she got the idea that it would be 2-3 years, although I said that would've been ideal, but I had already told her that they had only extended my exam currency until May.

She asked me if she looked tired and I said a bit. She said she didn't get much sleep and just stayed up watching Korean dramas. I asked her why she couldn't sleep and she said something about missing the usual time that she sleeps.

She said she had a dream but couldn't remember it. I told her I had a nightmare where I was in a field of grass with big snakes popping up. She used a Korean app on her phone to find the meaning of it and told me that it meant there would be much wealth waiting for me as I start a new venture or business. I don't think it could've been that coincidental, so I think she was probably making it up.

She also told me that she had plans to go to the jail with this barrister, but somehow it got rescheduled to 9am yesterday and she couldn't go. I looked the guy up later and recognised him as someone I'd seen around in court. Immediately my jealousy began to rise.

She mentioned some Asian girl's name who is also a recent barrister in crime, and I said I had heard of her as someone suggested hooking me up with her before. She said she could introduce us. I thought "what the hell? Is this another test?" and I said no, then she said the girl had a partner anyway.

We drove to Fox Studios and I parked on the street near the basketball courts. I screwed up the parking and had to do multiple twists and turns. I said I screwed it up and she said I didn't, and that it was a tight spot. Lol it totally wasn't - there wasn't even a car behind me! When we walked into the grounds, again she was indecisive as to which restaurant, so I just chose the one closest to us, being a pizza bar. She suggested we share, and I said we could pick one entree and one main to share, and she said ok. She had pointed to a main when I suggested she pick the entree, so she said ok, picked the entree, then I asked what she was pointing to earlier and she said I was making her pick everything. Guess I need to make all the decisions from now on.

We talked about my lunch with Karen and the tips she gave me. I think I didn't give her anything new, and that anything she didn't already know she probably wasn't going to take on anyway.

I gave her the pen and she liked it. She said she didn't get me anything and I jokingly said "totally unacceptable". She noticed how it was engraved and we joked about how people would ask about the name if I had put "Charpanda".

We talked about my hear last Monday, and also about the story in the news of how an Australian couple desserted their baby born via a surrogate mother in Thailand just because the baby had down syndrome. I also told her about Thai's unfortunate and hard decision of choosing to abort a baby with down syndrome.

She didn't eat much, she had like her half of the bruschetta and a bit of the risotto, then asked me to have the rest. I noticed she didn't even swap food with me, although I gave her a mushroom. Maybe it was because we were having the same thing.

She talked about the flower market nearby and I said we could check it out afterwards. Then later she commented on how they seemed to be packing up so I said we'd hurry, and I quickly ate the rest of the risotto. She said she'd pay for this meal as I got the last one. I countered with her having paid for the coffee last time and how she wouldn't have any income for the next six months due to the bar. I grabbed the bill when it was brought over and paid for it.

We then headed over to the flower market, and she went to a stall selling nuts. She seemed really interested, and asked me if I wanted any and I said no. She bought a pack and then asked me what I wanted, so I just pointed to whatever the guy was trying to sell us at the time and she paid for it. I wondered if she really wanted them or if she just wanted to do something in return for the lunch.

We walked through the closing market briefly and then headed out. She had said earlier that she wanted to go to Bondi to check out the laptops and printers, and I said ok. I asked if she wanted to go for a walk through the park first to feed the ducks, and she said it was cold. She said she normally does enjoy a walk in the park though. Well, there goes my plan of feeding the ducks.

As we walked back to my car, she pointed out the car park, and I said I didn't like to pay for parking. Maybe that was a mistake. I was trying to initiate some sort of contact to hold her hand. We stood at the traffic lights and I looked into her face. I asked if she had freckles and she said yes. I asked if she tried to cover it up and she said no. Hmmm.

After we crossed the road, I pointed out the courts that I play at on Saturday mornings. We walked through the path overshadowed by giant trees, and I wanted to try something but she had both hands in her pockets. I pulled out my hand and said "it's really cold" and she didn't say anything. I tried it moments later and she told me to put my hand back in my pocket. Hmmm.

As we neared my car, she told me that she remembered things about my family, saying I had one sister, who was older, and by two years. I had to correct her on the last bit. When we got into my car she gave me the bag of nuts she bought and put it into the o-deng bag. I said she didn't have to and we struggled for a bit as I pulled it out and gave it back to her.

We drove to the shopping centre in Bondi, and on the way she said I seemed to know the roads around her. I half joked that "I'd picked her up too many times" and she just had a wry smile on her face.

Once we got there, we walked to JB and had a look at some Macs and printers. She was trying to decide between the Pro and Air, and then said she would probably use her home one. I asked if there was anything else she wanted to check out and she said no. To try to prolong things, I suggested we go to David Jones as I wanted to check out some ties.

She agreed and we walked there. On the way she asked if she looked tired. I said she looked amazing. She brushed it off but I continued.

"You look stunning."

"You look spectacular."

She said "are you still going?"

"You look magnificent."

When we went to DJ's I got us onto the wrong floor and ended up at an ice cream cart. She said she wanted some, and tasted some samples before settling on a nugat one. I got a mango one and paid for it even though she offered. She asked me to try some of hers, and I tried to offer her some of mine on my stick but she said she'd scoop it out with her own. Hmmm.

We checked out some ties, but I didn't see any I liked. I tried to get from her some encouragement, but she said she didn't know much about ties, though she did suggest a purple one that wasn't too bright.

After that we went back to my car and I drove her home. I knew things were coming to an end and I had failed in that I couldn't make a move. I felt so sad and depressed, probably moreso than I should've been had I not put this expectation up on myself. She thanked me for taking her to JB and I said "it's ok, I like spending time with you". I asked if she wanted to meet next week and she said "we'll see".

Going by my usual rule of "anything other than a yes is a no", that did not look good. Or maybe I was just being too negative. She got out of the car, waved goodbye and headed to her front door. I stayed and just before she went in, she looked back and waved at me again.

I immediately felt a wave of insecurity come over me and when I got home, I checked my old phone. No new messages from Jin. I went on Wechat and started looking for a punt. I probably would've gone had I found one.