Capturing my depression
Last night I got bored, or felt the urge - both to gamble and punt - so I went out to the casino. Part of it had to do with what I perceived to be a bad sign from Victoria ("we'll see") but part of it had to do with the urges.
I withdrew $800 from my credit card and went. I got stopped at the entrance for an ID check, and I was like "I don't look under 18 do I?" This seemed to put the Indian guard off, as he didn't know how to respond but said "you look under 25". Wow, never knew under 25s weren't allowed into the casino. I have a feeling the casino is doing this as they feel like I am walking out with their money more often than not.
I found a table with two Asian men gambling. The history of the wheel suggested it was favourable to my 1-2 section, but I wanted to wait for a hit in the 28-29 section before I placed a bet. On the second spin, both of the men lost all their chips as it landed on 4. Then on the next spin, I placed a bet. It landed on 24. I had three splits and was the only one with chips on the number. The two men left and I was the only one remaining.
I had now hit my target of $300 but I felt bad just leaving. So I played the next spin even though I shouldn't have. I won. I now had a $490 gain and decided to get the fuck out of there.
I went for a punt with the Wechat agency. This time they directed me to 300 Pitt Street. It turned out to be like opposite Jin's apartment. Wow. Anyway, met the girl downstairs, wasn't sure if she was the girl or the mamasan, but turned out to be the girl. She had lots of pimples and wasn't very attractive. It was a complete waste of $250.
Today
I ate my peanut butter sandwich in the office, then decided to see if Taran was up for a coffee. He was, and we ended up going to that cafe that Victoria took me to once. We had a bit of a whinge about the investigators at first, then talked about going to the bar. I got what I wanted, which was to ensure that he didn't resign prematurely, making me look like the bad guy when I would resign with 2-3 weeks notice.
We both talked about being nervous and excited about going to the bar. His main concerns were finding chambers and a tutor. My main concern was failing. But I think we both felt like we needed to give it a go. He did say it was an option for me to stay in my job for a few more years and take the exams later. He said I only didn't want to re-do the exams now because the traumatising experience was still fresh. Maybe he had a point.
Another good point he made was that had Monika or David come back from their secondments, the office wouldn't have hesitated in saying goodbye to me, hence I shouldn't feel too bad about leaving. Bottom line was, I needed to look after myself. What he said appealed to me even more because he was in a similar position to me when we were both waiting on news about our contracts. He agreed that it was ridiculous that Monika and David could keep delaying their decision as to whether to come back.
We talked for a long time, much longer than the one hour lunch we were allowed. I suggested we head back as I had a TI appointment with Vic at 2:15pm.
I stayed back at work until 7pm and was happy to, as I kept myself occupied with fixing up some observations. Then I went to the gym and did my usual hectic workout except weights, as I felt a bit of pain in my left shoulder and didn't want to risk it.
I had decided to call Victoria after gym. I would ask her about her lunch yesterday, and tell her that I forgot one thing Karen mentioned, which was that the bar aimed to keep the number of members to around 11,000, indicating that the exams were indeed scaled, contrary to what they claimed. I would also tell her about Taran's decision.
I called at 8pm and it rang and rang. No answer. On the bus home, I kept holding my phone waiting for it to ring. It did. Twice. But it was library guy and my dad. From the moment she didn't pick up the phone, a sinking feeling had taken over me. I pictured her looking at the phone and deciding not to answer it. Because she didn't want to. She didn't want to speak to me.
Each time I looked at my phone thereafter, the feeling sunk deeper. I started to think about moving on, and how I wouldn't contact her again if she didn't call back. I kept checking Whatsapp to see if she would come online. She didn't. Maybe she was busy? I thought about the times early in my relationship with Jin when she wouldn't call back. It made me feel a bit better.
I needed to take a longer term view of things, instead of calling doom and gloom on one small incident. Besides, shouldn't a person have 24 hours to return a call? When I think like that, it relieves me of my anxiousness.
But as time goes on right now, I can't help but feel more and more depressed.
What did I do wrong?
Edit @ 10:06pm - great, she was on Whatsapp 30 minutes ago.
I withdrew $800 from my credit card and went. I got stopped at the entrance for an ID check, and I was like "I don't look under 18 do I?" This seemed to put the Indian guard off, as he didn't know how to respond but said "you look under 25". Wow, never knew under 25s weren't allowed into the casino. I have a feeling the casino is doing this as they feel like I am walking out with their money more often than not.
I found a table with two Asian men gambling. The history of the wheel suggested it was favourable to my 1-2 section, but I wanted to wait for a hit in the 28-29 section before I placed a bet. On the second spin, both of the men lost all their chips as it landed on 4. Then on the next spin, I placed a bet. It landed on 24. I had three splits and was the only one with chips on the number. The two men left and I was the only one remaining.
I had now hit my target of $300 but I felt bad just leaving. So I played the next spin even though I shouldn't have. I won. I now had a $490 gain and decided to get the fuck out of there.
I went for a punt with the Wechat agency. This time they directed me to 300 Pitt Street. It turned out to be like opposite Jin's apartment. Wow. Anyway, met the girl downstairs, wasn't sure if she was the girl or the mamasan, but turned out to be the girl. She had lots of pimples and wasn't very attractive. It was a complete waste of $250.
Today
I ate my peanut butter sandwich in the office, then decided to see if Taran was up for a coffee. He was, and we ended up going to that cafe that Victoria took me to once. We had a bit of a whinge about the investigators at first, then talked about going to the bar. I got what I wanted, which was to ensure that he didn't resign prematurely, making me look like the bad guy when I would resign with 2-3 weeks notice.
We both talked about being nervous and excited about going to the bar. His main concerns were finding chambers and a tutor. My main concern was failing. But I think we both felt like we needed to give it a go. He did say it was an option for me to stay in my job for a few more years and take the exams later. He said I only didn't want to re-do the exams now because the traumatising experience was still fresh. Maybe he had a point.
Another good point he made was that had Monika or David come back from their secondments, the office wouldn't have hesitated in saying goodbye to me, hence I shouldn't feel too bad about leaving. Bottom line was, I needed to look after myself. What he said appealed to me even more because he was in a similar position to me when we were both waiting on news about our contracts. He agreed that it was ridiculous that Monika and David could keep delaying their decision as to whether to come back.
We talked for a long time, much longer than the one hour lunch we were allowed. I suggested we head back as I had a TI appointment with Vic at 2:15pm.
I stayed back at work until 7pm and was happy to, as I kept myself occupied with fixing up some observations. Then I went to the gym and did my usual hectic workout except weights, as I felt a bit of pain in my left shoulder and didn't want to risk it.
I had decided to call Victoria after gym. I would ask her about her lunch yesterday, and tell her that I forgot one thing Karen mentioned, which was that the bar aimed to keep the number of members to around 11,000, indicating that the exams were indeed scaled, contrary to what they claimed. I would also tell her about Taran's decision.
I called at 8pm and it rang and rang. No answer. On the bus home, I kept holding my phone waiting for it to ring. It did. Twice. But it was library guy and my dad. From the moment she didn't pick up the phone, a sinking feeling had taken over me. I pictured her looking at the phone and deciding not to answer it. Because she didn't want to. She didn't want to speak to me.
Each time I looked at my phone thereafter, the feeling sunk deeper. I started to think about moving on, and how I wouldn't contact her again if she didn't call back. I kept checking Whatsapp to see if she would come online. She didn't. Maybe she was busy? I thought about the times early in my relationship with Jin when she wouldn't call back. It made me feel a bit better.
I needed to take a longer term view of things, instead of calling doom and gloom on one small incident. Besides, shouldn't a person have 24 hours to return a call? When I think like that, it relieves me of my anxiousness.
But as time goes on right now, I can't help but feel more and more depressed.
What did I do wrong?
Edit @ 10:06pm - great, she was on Whatsapp 30 minutes ago.
posted by toey | 21:51
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