33 - finally figured out what I want

So today was supposed to be a big day for me. It was my birthday. I was turning 33. That sounds so old.

I didn't really have much of a plan, and it was only in the morning that I confirmed with myself that I'd head out to Shibamata to see the temple there. It was a bit of a journey to get out there because I had to travel off the Metro Line, but I told myself it was all part of the experience, and just to experience something outside of Tokyo CBD. True.

After a bit of asking around, I finally made it to Shibamata station. The temple was rather close by, so no getting lost there. I made my way up the narrow street, checking out some of the shops. I tried some of the local foods, which were ok I guess.

I made it to the temple, took some photos, gave some donations, and tried to take in the whole scenery a bit. After that I made my way back through the same street and bought some presents. I sat down in a restaurant to eat for lunch.

After that I went out to Shinjuku to exchange the rest of my AUD, as I wanted to feel comfortable for dinner. It took me a bit of time to find the money exchange place, and in the end I found the one I had first used. This gave a better rate than bloody Travelex anyway.

I went back to the hotel to rest a bit, and did some research for where I could go for dinner. I wanted something really unique like the Moomin cafe again. I ended up choosing a place called Alcatraz in Shibuya, which was set up like a prison hospital and the theme is you're there as an inmate while they serve you food.

I was not disappointed. From the moment of first entry, they created a very good (not really realistic) atmosphere. I was told by a male waiter to wait. He asked me where I was from and said something into his microphone. I suppose he was asking for someone to come who could speak English.

He led me to my 'cell' which had a low table for people to sit on the floor around. He asked me to take my shoes off and to go into the cell. A female waitress came and took my shoes away.

Another female waitress came and gave me the menu. She had dyed blonde hair and spoke a little bit of English, well enough to understand and communicate. After a while she returned to take my order. After I made my order, she came back to say that the drink I wanted was sold out. She suggested I try this peach drink that's served in a small baby bottle, so I did.

She asked for my phone to take a picture of me. When I just sat there and smiled, she said "come on" and gestured for me to grab onto the gates of the cell, so I did, and made a sad face lol.

When she came back with the drink, she asked me to open my mouth as she shoved it in and squeezed lol. She asked me to say "mummy" but it was hard because so much of the drink was spilling into my mouth. I finally managed to mumble something and she stopped. Lol. Fucking hell. I kinda liked it.

She reminded me of Jin, even the way she talked, despite the obvious difference in nationalities. She brought the blue curry over and said something about how she didn't like it and that I was crazy - another thing Jin would say.

A guy brought me over the mains, and told me he had been to Cairns, but that was the most I could understand of what he was trying to say. I enjoyed sitting in my cell eating, lol, good way to spend my birthday actually.

I thought the whole thing was a good idea, though the only downside appeared to be that it makes it hard for the staff to check on customers. I was left alone for a long time, and after I had finished when I wanted to pay, I had to wait a while before someone came over. Even the change was given to me in a small envelope, as if it were a diagnosis from a hospital lol.

I left the place and was determined to visit the maid cafe again. This time I wanted to go to the first one I had been to. It was tempting to visit another, especially as the others had girls all over the street trying to lure customers in. But I resisted, and made my way back to the first haunt.

I went up the elevator and when the doors opened, I was surprised to see it was kinda crowded. My maid from last time recognised me and greeted me while she was at the cashier. I was led to a table, and while sitting down, I noticed a group of girls leaving. I thought one of them looked very familiar. Then I recognised another girl in the group as the one I had taken a photo with the night before! I can't believe that in their off time they choose to visit this place lol.

I really wanted to talk to that Luna lookalike, but there was no greeting or acknowledgement from her. She spent most of her time talking to other customers or cleaning. For some reason she wasn't in a maid costume. At first I was a bit down, but then I realised that she can't speak my language so she probably saw no point in it.

I accidentally ordered a jumbo sized dessert. The picture on the menu looked like a regular sized drink, but when it arrived, I thought it wasn't mine and had to triple check the menu. Even the guy next to me was astounded.

Later on the Luna lookalike did a dance on stage, and oh my fucking god, is she an awesome dancer or WHAT?! She could EASILY try out for one of those dance shows, especially in Australia. I admired her as she performed, and thought more and more about how she looked like a young version of Luna. From the way she smiled, to the way she bounced around and reacted when talking, it was all Luna.

It was then, during the super loud performance with the guy next to me dancing with the glow sticks (he did a mad job btw), that I had en epiphany - I had finally realised what I wanted.

In a girl at least.

It seemed that all the girls I have seriously liked in the past and whom have driven me crazy, were all extroverts and could either keep a conversation going or do some sudden quirky thing that was totally unexpected - think Jin, Luna and Julia.

I just didn't mesh well with introverts like Johanna. The more I watched this Luna lookalike, the more I wanted to stay here in Japan and not face the whole Johanna thing. I actually think I was falling for the Luna lookalike, and I didn't even know how old she was. For all I know she could be half my age!

My maid gave me a birthday plate as I had told her it was my birthday, which was nice, but it was all too much on top of the gigantic drink I already had. I had to scrape the cream off the biscuits and cake lol.

Towards the end, when the Luna lookalike was at the cashier working on someone's bill, I took the opportunity to line up. I tried to use the card I was given last time, but I think she said it was weekend only. I paid, and said she was the number one dancer. She laughed and thanked me. I told her I was leaving tomorrow for Australia, but don't think she understood me, as when I was leaving she said "see you next time".

I thought about her as I walked back to the station. So sad that she couldn't be the one. So sad that she was so much younger than me.

But I was happy, not only because of what I had done during the day, but because I hadcome to the realisation of what I actually wanted in a girl, instead of just being happy some female was giving me attention.

Welcome to 33.

Gundam style

On Sunday I tried the hotel "buffet" for the first time. I usually don't like to eat the hotel breakfast because I think your time and appetite could be better well spent trying out local food and new things. But I had to start saving money now, as I was running towards the end of my budget.

I decided to head out to Obaida and figured out from the map that I could get to a station nearby and walk across the 'Rainbow Bridge'. I was wrong. I got close to the bridge but realised it didn't allow for pedestrians. Resigned, I caught a taxi, showing the driver a picture of the bridge and gesturing that I wanted to go over it. He asked "Obaida?" later on and I said yes.

Yeah, maybe starting with the name would be a good idea, dumbass.

When I got there I took some photos with the fake statue of liberty, bought a stick of meat to eat from a street stall, then had a quick walk through the shopping centre before finding the huge Gundam robot. When I say huge, I mean huge. I actually can't believe they built this thing. I also can't believe it actually moves. Why can't Australia do something like that? Maybe build a big skippy kangaroo?

I had lunch in the food court. It was kinda hard to find a table at first but I eventually found one. I sat there looking through the pictures I had just taken. I was pretty happy lol. Not sure why, since I have never followed Gundam and know nothing about it, but the fact that I had been here and seen it made me happy inside.

After that I went to Harajuku to try to see some cosplay people, as it is said that they normally hang around the area on Sundays. I saw maybe one or two, or a few, walking on the street, not posing, but just going from A to B. I couldn't find the so called bridge that they hang around, and didn't see any other cosplay people, so I gave up. The streets were pretty crowded though, I could barely move through the street.

At night, I went to the Tokyo Skytree area and had dinner at the Moomin cafe. I had read about it on the internet, saying if you are alone and feel lonely, then this is good because they sit plush toys at your table. I thought it was kinda cute so went for it.

When I sat down, there was already a plush toy at the table but the waiter brought over another one. I had to chuckle as it was just too funny. The food wasn't that great, but I guess I didn't really go there for the food. I went there for the novelty and to get it in a photo, which I did when I asked the waitress to take a photo of me and the plush toys. She actually re-positioned one of them prior to make it look at the camera lol. Only in Japan.

As I sat there, I did feel a bit lonely. But I realised that the feeling only crawls upon me at night. During the day I like to do my own thing and not be annoyed, but it's always that feeling of going to an empty home, or a bed all to yourself, that emphasizes the loneliness.

Throughout this trip, at times, I have imagined being with Jin, and we would be happy. I would also think about Johanna, but in the context that I was glad she wasn't here because I know she'd complain about walking too much, about being lost, about eating this or that. When things like that happen, I'm glad I'm by myself.

Feeling lonely in Japan

On Saturday I woke up and went to Asakusa to see the temple there. I was surprised by how many people there were, and made my way slowly through the shops to reach the main temple gate. I saw some toy ninjas which I thought I'd get for Daniel, but wanted to see if there were cheaper ones down the line, though I didn't see any.

I took some photos once through the main gates, had a look around, did the fortune sticks, and then decided to head back to get the ninja but couldn't find it anymore.

I was supposed to meet this chick I met on wechat, but she flaked and so I rested at my hotel for a few hours. I felt a bit down because of it, and didn't feel like doing much. Now that Anh and Gavin had left, I truly felt alone. But the thing is, I brought this loneliness on myself by coming here. And also, meeting Anh was not a reason or purpose for the trip, and I wasn't planning to meet Gavin at all.

It's just funny how the mind works in dealing with expectations and disappointments.

Later I went to check out Roppongi, which sounded like a place where a lot of Westerners go to pick up, from the things I have read on the net. I had some fast food at Lotte, wanting to have that delicios shrimp burger I had in Korea, but it didn't taste like I had remembered.

I went to the arcades again and spent a lot of money, maybe like $80, and didn't end up getting anything. I was furiously close with something I didn't even want. It is only afterwards that you realise how stupid that is.

The Fish Market - take 2

On Thursday night I got about an hour's sleep as I was readying myself for a second attempt at the fish market auction with Anh. I woke up at close to 1am and saw she had sent me a message saying she dropped something on her foot and couldn't make it anymore. My first reaction was to disbelieve her, but then I told myself not to be too sceptical and accepted her story.

A small part of me said it was an excuse not to go (I really could've used the sleep) but I thought, damnit, I'm on holiday, this is one of the things a lot of tourists do, and I'm gonna do my damndest to do it!

So at about 2:30am I left the hotel and again caught a taxi out to the fish market. Again, the taxi driver dropped me off at around the same spot, which was nowhere near where the auction actually was, so I had to walk a bit. I was a bit afraid I would miss out again, as I feared more people would try to come earlier.

However, I felt relieved when I saw only about five people lining up. The guy Anh and I had talked to in the line for the restaurant that morning was there at the very front. We waved at each other and then I just stood in the line playing on my phone.

At about 3:20am the security guard let us into a room where we donned a hi-vis vest and were shepherded into a rectangular area to wait. I was glad there was progress, until I realised there was another two hours to wait!!!

I went to talk to that guy, and this Asian chick near him joined our conversation. She was kinda cute. Found out she was Malaysian, living in New Zealand. She appeared to be there by herself. The three of us chatted a bit, before we were all told to sit down. After that, some older couple started talking to her, so I talked with the guy for the rest of the time.

I don't think I have sat with my legs crossed for a few years, so naturally I started to feel pins and needles, and then proceeded to lose feeling in both my legs. I had to sit behind the cordoned off area to stretch my legs out.

To be honest, talking with the guy made time go by a little faster. Looking back now, it didn't really seem like two hours.

When it came time to see the auction, we were led, single file, out through the fish market area, where one of us could've easily been run over by one of the small vehicles, to the auction area. It was freezing cold inside, which reminded me of the weather back home.

I managed to get a good spot, and took lots of photos of the tuna and the people inspecting them. I couldn't help but think of a similar situation on another planet, except where it would be aliens inspecting human corpses. We would probably find that pretty disgusting.

I found the whole thing to be semi-exciting. I didn't like how it was only for 25 minutes, and there were no explanations given as to what was happening or how things worked. Basically we were just there to watch and not interfere.

I was so tired I went back to the hotel and slept. I woke up in the early afternoon, and finally took the opportunity to get some KFC. The smell was really fresh, something that doesn't happen in Australia. The spicy chicken was spicy, but I think I prefer the Australian one.

I then went to this government building in Shinjuku to do some sightseeing. It was raining so I had to walk there in the rain. The place was relatively easy to find - with the map. Once I got there, I went up to the 45th floor and took in the spectacular view. I also bought some gifts for some people.

After that I went to Ikebukuro to find the elusive Kit Kat factory. My plan was to get some special Kit Kats for Johanna. I figured this was the ideal gift - if I decided to see her again, it would be relatively thoughtful. If not, I could just eat it or give it to someone else, unlike, say, a necklace or something.

It took me a while to find it. I asked a girl for directions, and she couldn't speak English, which led to me walking around the whole block in the rain, when it was relatively close by. To say it was a factory is rather misconceiving - it was just an open stall amongst many other confectionery shops on the same floor.

I bought some Kit Kats and then got a large box of confectionery for my sister. I also bought a cup of what I thought was mango mixed with other fruits, but turned out to be more candy-ish than that. I sat upstairs eating it and resting before moving on.

I went back to the hotel to drop everything off. I was surprised by the size of the box I had bought for my sister. It would now be extremely difficult to fit any pairs of shoes in my luggage!

I checked out Ueno for some possible red light district action, but didn't find much in the rain. There were a lot of gangster looking guys standing around on the street trying to lure customers, but surprisingly none approached me. Even the girls didn't really give me a second look, apart from one who I smiled at when eye contact was made, and she followed me a bit and tapped my shoulder but I ignored her.

I then found a small Japanese restaurant and ordered a bowl of noodles with a bottle of Fanta. Ah that was nice.

I then decided to try to look for some action in Akihabara. I didn't find much but went into one of the adult stores, and ended up buying a DVD of a girl I had seen on a poster previously who looked really pretty. I couldn't believe I was buying porn, but oh well. I then went to one of the gaming arcades. I ended up winning a towel and t-shirt, both with some anime drawings of a girl on it. I decided I'd give one to G as his present lol. I was pretty damn happy having won some stuff.

That night was a good night.

The Fish Market - take 1

On Thursday I met up with Anh in the wee hours of the morning to go to the fish market auction. We were kinda supposed to meet up late at night and hang out till it started, but I fell asleep in my hotel room and when I woke up we messaged each other and I suggested just taking a cab there.

So at about 3ish am I get a cab to her station, get out because I couldn't explain to the driver I was picking up a friend, and I looked for her. She told me she was at exit 3, but I couldn't find it. I stopped a passer-by and asked him. He didn't know a word of English, so I tried my best to explain using "ich, ni, san" meaning one, two, three. Eventually he got it and pointed me in the right direction.

I found her wandering around looking for me, and then we caught a cab together. We got lost walking through the fish market and eventually found the right place just before 4am. It was too late. We came across some other tourists who told us it was now full. Damn.

So instead, we went to line up at the supposedly famous sushi restaurant. It was around 4:30am now, and there was already a line outside for the restaurant to open at 5am. In the end, we waited for about two hours.

Look, I'm not a food connoisseur, or anything, but that was really the best goddamn sushi I had ever eaten in my entire life! Anh had mentioned something about the tuna melting in your mouth or something, and I just brushed it off as mere puff. But when I put that first piece in my mouth, it literally melted in my mouth!

We were served ten pieces plus one extra, and one was even still moving when served. I found the three chefs to be very cheery, especially given they seem to do this almost everyday at ungodly hours. I was full by the end, but felt that this had ruined me - I could no longer eat the "sushi" back in Sydney. That was like rubber compared to this. This was like how Vince Carter ruined the dunk comp. Too god. Too fucking good.

I went back to the hotel to get some sleep, and when I woke up in the afternoon, I went back to Shibuya to check it out more thoroughly. I checked out so many places, and wanted to save my stomach to try out KFC, but then I came across this World Tower record store and wanted to find some Hyuna stuff. They only had like two CDs of hers and nothing else. I guess she may be considered to be past her 'prime' when compared to other artists.

Anyway, I came across their cafe and saw some Mario themed desserts, and I just HAD to try it lol. So I sat down, ordered lunch and flicked through some magazines as I ate. The food was ok, but definitely enjoyed the Mario designs on them more.

I walked all the way to Harajuku again and checked everything out at my leisure, before calling it a night back at the hotel.

The Gavin departure

On Wednesday I woke up and decided to use the early hours productively by visiting the Sengakuji temple. I had breakfast at a Japanese restaurant near there first, it was my first time using one of those vending machines. At first I didn't know how to use it, repeatedly pressing buttons with no apparent result. I think the guy eating near me got a bit annoyed as he started watching me lol. I finally thought "hmm what if I put the cash in first?" Of course that worked, and I got a ticket and gave it to the waiter and got my food shortly after.

After that I went looking for the temple. I thought I found it at first, but a lot of school students were walking in so I assumed it was a school. I then wandered around for a bit and then asked for directions, and turns out that I was right in the first place. I headed back and saw that the school is next to the temple, so I checked out the temple and because I was so early, I seemed to be the only one.

I had read a bit of the history about it, about the 47 ronins, and saw the tombstones and put two and two together. It was quite nice, but rather small.

After that I went to Akihabara, which seemed to be the 'weird' part of Tokyo. It had all the anime and manga shops, electronics, and video games. I checked them all out, including some adult stores (which aren't as covert as the ones back at home), and then went to a maid cafe at the suggestion of Gavin.

I felt a bit sheepish asking the girl on the street who was trying to lure customers in how to get inside, and walking into the building. But I wonder why? It's not a brothel or anything.

Anyway, I was greeted by a girl, dressed in a maid's uniform, and there were about four or five in total, including the one on the street, and one was my maid who served me my desserts and stuff. As expected, they try to sell you everything but aren't too pushy about it. I ordered a dessert and the maid would do some "cute" things before letting you eat it, like getting you to say stuff after her. It was all a bit childish, but something I guess of an experience. Would've been less awkward if Gavin was there haha.

I didn't think much of any of the girls at first, thought the act was a bit over the top and they weren't too attractive. But then one got onto the stage and started dancing to a song, and I think from some angles she looked like Luna. That brought back some memories.

I really wanted one thing though, which was a photo, secretly hoping it was with the Luna lookalike. When I indicated I was finished, they suggested photo, and indeed I got the Luna lookalike for a photo! She made a half heart with her hand and I completed the other half with mine as we posed for the photo. I was soooo happy I got the photo, because it was just so "wtf" lol.

After that I met up with Gavin at Shinbuya and we walked all the way up to Harajuku. We checked out a lot of the shops, including basketball stuff. Sometimes I forget that he's also a basketball player and was surprised to see him interested in the same stuff as I am.

After a lot of walking we decided to find somewhere to eat. I said I wanted sushi so we started looking for a sushi place, but we couldn't find any! Lol. I was like, don't tell people we couldn't find sushi in Japan haha.

We ended up going to Yoshinoya and had some good ramen there. Turns out that was the same franchise I went to with Anh on my first night here. Afterwards he wanted a crepe, and he bought me one, then we sat down on some steps and talked about basketball and the competition we used to play in. It was kinda like a reminiscing session, even though we were never too close back then.

We walked to his station and parted ways, saying we'd see each other back in Australia, and then I headed back to my hotel.

I'm in Japan!

So far, so good!

On Monday morning my dad drove me to the airport where I got a plane to the Gold Coast. I swear I sat next to a criminal - looked middle eastern, expensive looking sunglasses, with a brand name bag.

I thought the stop over would be painfully dull, but it really wasn't too long as it took a while to line up to check in, and then you have all the custom security processes to go through.

On the plane to Tokyo, I sat on the aisle of a three seater. Not long after, a girl came to sit on the window seat. I was hoping no one would sit between us so we could talk throughout the flight, but alas some big black dude came to sit inbetween us. I told them to feel free to ask me to get up if they wanted to get out, and both didn't seem too responsive. Oh well, guess they didn't want to talk.

Someone who DID want to talk though was a hot blonde chick. When we were walking on the tarmac towards the plane, she was in front of me and turned around to look at me. She sat in the middle seats and I could hear her strike up a conversation with a mother who sat next to her. I soon realised that she was just the extremely talkative type, and probably only wanted to talk to me and nothing else. She even struck up a conversation with people in other seats.

It was a good thing I prepaid for my meals, I don't think I could've gone through the whole flight without eating, though the dude next to me did. In fact, he slept through most of the flight. The girl, however, caved in after she saw me eat and bought a $5 Nissin noodle lol.

Towards the end of our flight there was a bit of talking between the three of us, after I asked the girl to borrow her pen to fill in some forms. Turns out this was a regular trip for the dude who lived here, but it was the girl's first time. She suggested sticking together to find a subway pass, and my thoughts quickly led to thinking about spending the trip together. I was planning on asking her out to dinner after we had settled into our hotels.

But she later didn't seem too interested, when at customs I said I would wait for her and she said no to worry. So I thought, ok, and went ahead. I went to the luggage carousel and waited. When I found mine, I started to walk off and she wished me good luck. I suggested we find the travel pass together and she said ok but asked me to go ahead. So I did, and went to the closest travel counter and waited.

When she came out, we decided to walk to Terminal 2 to get it and we talked. I figured she was a uni student, she said she was here for 30 days and only booked the trip after finishing her exams. We stuck together for a bit, but separated when we went to buy tickets. She was trying to work out a ticket vending machine, while I went to line up at a counter. I saw her approach another counter, ask some questions and walk away. Oh well.

The subway trip to Tokyo was kinda bad. I hadn't done a number two in a while and so felt discomfort, and all the stations we stopped at weren't on the map. I guess I felt abandoned as well by the girl. But the good thing was I was now learning independently, whereas whenever I'm with someone I tend to automatically go into Pippen mode and just follow.

I eventually made it to my subway stop Kudanshita. I had to ask several people, and even afterwards I asked a guy on a bike how to get to my hotel. What really surprised me was he took his time and used his resources (phone) to try to help me. All up it took about 10 minutes. I thought about saying not to worry about it as I thought I was bothering him, but figured it'd be kinda rude to just walk away after he tried.

He directed me in the right direction and I found my hotel. It was nice to finally find base and settle down a bit. I contacted Gavin, and he was going to the fish market auction the next day at 4am, there was no way I was going to make that as it was already 11pm and I knew I needed rest.

I did, however, meet up with that girl Anh I had met from the Lonely Planet site. I was hesitant to go out as I still hadn't figured out the subway system yet and didn't have a travel pass, but I was hungry. Ended up meeting with her in Shinjuku and we ate at a small restaurant. I had a bowl of rice with beef with a raw egg on top. Maybe I was just hungry, but that was damn delicious.

We seemed to get along ok, but I was really tired and my right eye was really red and sore. After we finished I went back to the hotel and slept.

When I woke up, I decided to go for a walk to understand my surroundings. I started with a small walk around the block, then walked all the way to Shinjuku which was about 2-3 stations away. I checked out some nice shops in the process and had breakfast at a McDonald's. I eventually found the camera shop Ang told me about and bought the three day travel pass.

I spent the rest of the time walking around all the shops in Shinjuku, before going back to Kudanshita to eat lunch and having a nap in my hotel.

I later met up with Gavin at Korakuen at the Tokyo Dome to watch a baseball game. I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw him, to see a familiar face in an unfamiliar place. He seemed so tanned, and we got along immediately, even though I had forgotten what it was like to talk to him, despite playing against him and with him years ago.

We only managed to get standing positions, but it was an awesome experience. He taught me how baseball worked, and I could see how supportive the crowd was. Even towards the end when the home team had surely lost, most of the crowd stayed and chanted loudly until the game was officially over.

We had dinner nearby as it was raining, and talked about stuff to do in Japan and how his previous trips had been. He started speaking really slowly, and I wondered if he was tired. I shouted him dinner as it wasn't too much, and besides, we were on holiday and I was grateful he took me to a baseball game.

After that I went back to the hotel and basically slept, as my legs were so tired from all that standing.

Woke up at like 5:30am today as the sun was already up!

Gambling and Johanna

Man, what a rough few days.

Because Johanna had asked me for $3000 more for her studies, I told her I was prepared to pay for it as long as I could pay the institution directly. I was calling her bluff, but at the same time, I needed the funds ready in case she was telling the truth.

Even though I had enough money, I ended up taking out a $5000 personal loan with my bank on Monday. Part of it had to do with how easy it all was (apply online, could get the funds on the same day)/ Part of it had to do with not wanting to use my own money (yes this would cost more). But a large part of it was I figured I could take $4000 out to have a go at gambling with the way I usually do. I figured if I could usually win one stack of chips fairly easy, I could do the same with $25 chips and my profit would be double. And I needed a fast way to recoup my earlier losses - on 14th I lost $2000 when it landed on 0-3 many times in a row, which I figured had to happen given my win streak, and on 15th I was up $1000 but tried to chase the balance and ended up losing it all.

I got the money late on Tuesday, but because of my withdrawal limit, I only got to take out $2000 to play. I told myself that this would be a practice run, to play as if my $10 chips were $25 chips. I won $320 and left.

On Wednesday I withdrew another $2000 at the casino and played with the $25 chips. Maybe it was only a bit more than double the value of my normal bets, but I was very very cautious and tight. At times I almost didn't want to let go of the chips.

Luckily I managed to win (per my previous post).

The other risk I had was that if I had lost, and if Johanna was telling the truth, I'd be struggling to put $3000 together for her.

Maybe it was my determination to gamble the money away, or maybe it was my ingrained nature of suspicion, but on the way to the casino I got into an argument with her over Wechat. She had sent me another screen shot of an email from the agent, this time without even the subject title, just the body of the email. Everything was identical, but the bank details were different. When I asked why, she said she didn't know, that the agent just sent it to her like that.

I asked for her to send me the agent's email but she started sending me all these contracts for sale of property where it lists her as the purchaser. She said it was proof that she had money and could pay me back in time, but also she let out that she was deciding whether the money I lent her would be used to fund some of her properties (I'm assuming she got into a bit of trouble).

I also put it to her that the course had already started this week, but she said she didn't know because she couldn't afford it yet. No matter what, she would not admit to lying, even though for me it had become fairly obvious.

I asked her again for the agent's email and she just asked me to search for it myself. SMH.

As I edged closer to the casino, I just sad I didn't want to argue and told her to send me the agent's email when she found it.

After the win I deposited all the money back and repaid the personal loan in full. I was now fairly sure that I wouldn't need to "lend" her the $3000. I also had thoughts of past times when I had a loan and how it felt to pay it back. I didn't want to go through it all. Fastest loan repaid ever. I wonder what the bank would be thinking.

Yesterday I went to the casino and returned to my "original" betting of $10 chips. I saw Julie at a table in the next pod and decided to stay away. I went to a table with a dealer called Danny who seemed like a nice guy. Soon enough everyone left and I was alone. I didn't like betting alone, but shortly after this short Indonesian looking guy I had seen a few nights ago joined me and we would exchange a few words every now and then.

He won the last time I saw him, but he admitted that he was only getting back his losses. He didn't do too well at this table and soon changed tables. Meanwhile, after a dealer change to a feminine looking guy called Pedro, I ended up being up by about $610. I told myself to just leave but I tried to round it off to $700. Three 0-3 in a row soon undid all those gains, but when I went all out on the next spin, luckily it landed on 27 where I had three splits and one straight up. I immediately cashed out and walked off with $700 gain.

I deposited some money into my bank, then went to Myer to get some underwear for my trip to Japan, then went to Dymocks to check out the guide books but didn't buy any as Malay said he'd lent his to me.

First day of annual leave

Technically it was yesterday, but since I went into work yesterday, today was my first day off work as part of my mandatory annual leave.

I had a good day. In the morning I went for a jog around the park, then I went to Mark's house with Mike to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. It was a bit of an anti-climax as it looked like Cleveland didn't really try towards the end.

After that I went home to return the car to my dad, then went to the gym. I then went to the casino, and "experimented" with the idea I had been having for a while now - playing the same way but with $25 chips. I figured this would be a faster way to recoup my losses (and faster way to lose even more) but thought that if normally it's relatively easy for me to win one stack (20 chips), then I could just do the same with $25 chips?

So I found a table with a female dealer and handed over $2000 and asked for $25 chips. A large part of me thought "fucking hell this is a lot of money" but a small part of me thought "meh, this is just double what you normally bet anyway).

Because it was now $25 chips, I played a LOT tighter than usual. I was much more willing to sit out spins and wait for a 0-3 sector to hit. When I lost on the first colour/column bet, it really really stung. I then proceeded to bet 1-2 and got REALLY lucky, as I hit 17 twice and a 25 on straight up.

I had won a bit more than three stacks. Normally that would be about $600 but now it was $1500, plus $175 "in change". As I sat there I would be really hesitant to bet, but then told myself to just pretend these were $10 chips and that it made no difference to the actual game. I suppose it's like the difference between playing a regular season game and a playoff game. Same game, more at stake.

I knew I should've walked when I had won one stack but because of my patience, it seemed a bit more likely I could wait out 0-3 and hit the 1-2s. When there was a dealer change I bet once (and won) and left.

It had been a bit too much. I went to the bank and used the ATM to deposit all the money. I had never deposited that much before - $5600 including the $4000 capital I started with. I was a little too close for comfort. I figured this reduces my recent losses to about $2000, but a $400 gain for the month, so I'll take that to Japan and eliminate any further stress.

Lots happened with Johanna but don't really feel like talking about it now.

Another end to Johanna?

Wow, so long no post.

On Friday I was supposed to meet Johanna for dinner, but when I got home and checked my phone, she had sent a message at about 11am saying she couldn't do dinner anymore as she had to go to Melbourne for the long weekend for "business". I felt that familiar pain of disappointment, but knew too well not to over-react.

Instead, I just took the opportunity to enjoy my freedom and saving some money and went to the gym.

On Saturday morning I went for a jog, then went to the casino and won some money before going into the office to do some work for the upcoming hearing. I managed to get some good work done and then left.

On Sunday I went to the casino, thinking I could make just a bit more. A lot of the usual tables were either packed or empty, but then I spotted the ones further away and closer to the fish tank. They have always been there but I think only recently some of them switched to $10 tables. I bought in and was up by about $100, and played my usual way of trying to time the 1-2 sector. But it went on a really weird trend, going on a streak of like five spins of 0-3 then five spins of 1-2, and eventually those streaks killed me. I dropped $2000 just like that.

But funny thing was, I didn't really feel it. Like, part of me knew I would get it back, part of me knew I had only just lost my previous gains. In the past it would've really made me angry and ashamed, but there was a new 'norm' feeling to it. I did, however, feel the subtle urge to get it back. I just couldn't decide whether it should all be in one go or a bit at a time.

On Monday morning I went to the airport to pick Johanna up. I initially went to the domestic terminal and asked her to come to the waiting area, but for some reason I couldn't see her. Then she sends me a photo of where she is, and I figured out she was at the international terminal. Why was she at the international terminal? Only reason I could think of was she came by coach.

But she didn't. Did she tell me why? No. I asked her what she did in Melbourne and as expected she didn't tell me.

She said she wanted cake, so I took her to Newtown to get the watermelon cake. She didn't really seem interested in the watermelon cake, wanting something even more unique, but she went along with it. She wanted a four portion so we got that, only she didn't eat it. We went to the cafe next door and had breakfast there and she cut a bit of cake for me.

After that we went back to her place, had sex and slept a bit. I suggested for her to try some of the cake but she didn't. She did however give me some 'cakes' she got from Melbourne, which was considerate.

Anyway, I had to meet the guys for dinner and she wanted to get some stationary so we headed out to Office Works. She asked me to drop her off at her friend's place in Chatswood. While at Office Works she was looking for candles. She said she was giving the cake to her friend in Chatswood.

So we just got a pack of coloured pencils and then we stopped in Broadway to get some candles from a discount store. She bought a pack of kit kat as well and I got a drink. In the car park she had half a kit kat in her mouth and I tried to bite the other half, and after a bit of resisting she let me.

I dropped her off at Chatswood, same place as where I picked her up last time, then headed off to pick Malay and Brain up for dinner. We went to Burwood and met Thai there, and had mini hot pot. It was good to just chill with the guys, felt so free and relaxed. After dinner we had coffee/dessert at the cafe nearby and then I drove them all home.

Yesterday after work I went to the casino to try to get my money back. I was chasing a bit of a larger target than usual. I wasn't doing that great and at one stage was really facing the prospect of a $4000 loss in a few days. But I got lucky after a dealer change where it hit 6 where I had like three straight ups and three splits. I ended up leaving with a $830 gain.

Tonight I went to the casino again, waning some de-stressing after the first day of a hearing where I am instructing IB. I was hanging around a $300 gain for a long time. Some lady started playing and got really lucky on a streak of 1-2 sectors, and I felt like I could join her and started playing big. I was floating around my starting capital, and started placing my chips on the table when there was a dealer change. The previous dealer had hit mainly 1-2 sectors, but now that there was a dealer change I wasn't so sure.

But I still piled my chips up everywhere. I felt myself losing control. The dealer spun. I noticed he spun the wheel (not the ball) even faster than the previous dealer. I don't like fast wheels. I then watched as it landed in 20 where I had a straight up and three splits. I immediately cashed out and walked away with a $400 gain. That was enough excitement for me.

Anyway, last night Johanna asked me for another $3000 for her studies, saying her friend can't pay her back yet. This totally turned me off, and I just said now was not a good time. It made me decide that it was probably a good out of the whole 'relationship'. I mean, if she plans on not seeing me just because I refuse to give her more money, then I think I'm the winner here. And it's also made me decide to take the overseas trip by myself. It takes a lot of pressure off me, to think I'd have to buy twice the flight and hotel. I'm just going to say I had to book because I asked her several times and she never confirmed.

Nearly got away / ACBA return

On Wednesday night Johanna dropped a bombshell - she asked if she could live with me. At my home. With my parents.

I brushed it off by saying we'd talk on Friday. I don't think she actually wanted to live with me and my family, but I think she was running out of money for rent.

On Friday after work I went home, had a shower and got changed then went to pick her up. We went to Chatswood without any clear idea as to what to eat. She said she wanted to have PappaRich again, so I asked her to look for one in Chatswood and she couldn't find it. Then as I was still driving, I googled it and found it. Sheesh.

We went there and waited in line. She sat down on a seat and was on the phone talking to someone. We were eventually shown to a small table where we ordered and ate. We had bits to talk about here and there, but I noticed she sat facing sideways sometimes. When there was silence, I would look at the table next to us where a girl was celebrating her birthday with a group of friends. I thought the girl looked a little bit familiar. That and she was kinda attractive. I wondered why I couldn't find someone like that. She looked a lot closer to my age too.

I caught the girl's attention as we held eye contact for a bit longer than a second. Then when they got up to leave, I noticed she deliberately turned my way to look at me, then looked at Johanna, who was looking down at her phone. After the group left, I thought the girl looked like a dealer I used to see at the casino.

I went to the bathroom and when I came back, I noticed Johanna quickly covered her phone when she sensed I was behind her. Hmmm.

I wanted to walk to see the Vivid lights but she said it was too cold and asked if we could look at them from the car. She had her hands in her pockets and I reached in and held her hand inside as we walked back to my car.

I drove us to Blues Point Road at McMahons Point, same place I had taken Jin years ago. We managed to find a parking space soon after we stopped, and we sat there holding hands looking at the colourful Harbour Bridge and listening to Whitney Houston.

We stayed for only about 10 minutes and as I drove us back, I realised I had found a way to her - music. She seemed really into the songs and at one point looked like she was about to cry.

On the way back she wanted a McFlurry from Macca's, so I got her an Oreo one and she wanted Malteasers but they didn't have any.

Back at her place, we slept together and although I nudged her for sex, it didn't happen. The next morning, I nudged her again for sex but she didn't really seem up for it, so I just left. As I was changing I saw that she had already taken out a condom from the night before.

I told her I had to leave early to line up for shoes, which was a lie. I just went home and got more sleep. I think she may have sensed I was upset, as she called and texted me.

I went to Saturday night basketball, and really enjoyed myself. I had pretty much decided to end things with Johanna. The thought of saving $5000 really appealed to me. Good thing we didn't have sex the other night.

After basketball I got home and messaged her saying I wanted to end things. I said I felt like she didn't really like me and only needed my help. I told her about how when we walked through Macquarie she was just walking behind me listening to music, how she doesn't seem like she wants to hold my hands.

The next day she messaged back saying she was hurt and how I was like the other rich guy who left her. I told myself to stay strong but I couldn't. In the end I caved. I couldn't bear abandoning her.

I picked her up and we went for breakfast in Burwood at a cafe. We then went to the car park near the basketball stadium where I taught her how to drive a bit. She told me she had driven before and just needed help parking and changing lanes, but her driving wasn't too good.

I took her to the basketball game as well. It was weird. She didn't want to step inside the stadium which annoyed me. Finally managed to get her in and she sat on the big steps as I talked to my new team.

During warm ups, I felt all self conscious that she was there. Part of me let out a smile as I shot around. I started the game on the bench as expected and I sat next to her. Leon and Andrew came to say hello, and they kept looking at her. I was overwhelmed by sentiment as all these people came to say hi, including Warren and Antoine when I was warming up.

Watching the game from the bench made me realise what I had missed. I was back now, older and wiser. And with a girlfriend, apparently.

I went on a bit in the first half and air balled my first shot. I took two other jump shots and both rattled out, but scored two points at the end of the game next to the basket. At one point Richard sat next to me and started a conversation with Johanna, but she kinda ignored him which I thought was rude. I think Richard was just trying to be nice. Hmmm.

Afterwards I dropped her home and I went back home to change, with the plan to meet up again. But she messaged me saying she had to fill in for a friend at work. So I said I'd wait for her to finish and went to the casino. I won $400 and then sat in my car reading the Jordan book. I went to get some petrol and did a bit of grocery shopping and then went home. I played GTA V for a bit, then drove back out to the casino and waited in the car as I played Anipang 2.

Finally she messaged me but told me she was in Crows Nest. What the hell? I quickly googled the address thinking it was a brothel but nothing came up. When I got there it was some apartments. When she came out she said part of her job as a VIP dealer is to go out to eat with the customers, and her friend got so drunk she had to take her home. It sounded a bit suss but umm whatever.

She said she had already eaten so I was driving her home but we stopped at Macca's where she wanted a Coke with ice cream on top and I got a Fillet o Fish burger as I hadn't eaten since our breakfast together.

We slept together at her place and had sex. We also kissed for the first time, with lots of tongue too. We talked about money. I told her I would transfer her $1000 each day for the next five days. She said she thought I didn't trust her. She asked if I liked her and when I said yes she asked if I knew what it meant. I think she was getting a bit emotional.

Anyway, after sex we held hands and slept a bit until at about 12:30am I woke up and went home.

I went to the casino after work today. I joined a table where a guy was splashing huge piles of chips everywhere. He got lucky and I thought I'd join him but we both lost and he left after winning a few thousand at least. A few 0-3 sectors in a row nearly killed me. I kept my poise, but it felt like I had stared down the barrel of a shotgun.

I used my last $400 to bet on the 1-2 sector and it landed on 24 where it gave me back $1200. I then climbed my way back up slowly.

This one lady was playing and betting huge on doubles. On one spin she had 18 chips on 26 after it had already landed on 26. As the ball was spinning, I thought about saying something about how 26 would make everyone happy (I didn't bet) and then it landed on 26!

The lady was over the moon, I was clapping loudly and everyone at the table was cheering. She played another $200 and lost before she left. Meanwhile I was still trying to climb my way out of this mess. The lady later returned, and I could just see the casino people watching the cameras smiling to themselves.

I had a straight up and two splits on 11 and it landed on 11, and I was out of there. I had made a gain of $320 and that was good enough for me.

Julie was on the electronic roulette. I'm not sure if she spotted me earlier, but as I walked past the back of her I could sense her turn around but I didn't look.

At the cashier I saw that hot Vietnamese girl and she looked at me a bit but I couldn't join her queue because it would've been really obvious so I went to the cashier next to her.