Ups and downs with Erica - 1st tranche

On Sunday, after basketball I went home to get ready to meet Erica for dinner at 7pm. I had intended for it to be just the two of us, but when I asked how many people were coming, she said "friend. man". At first I thought "what the hell, she's bringing a man along??" but then realised she probably meant Suri/Yuri and Ash, especially since she said Suri was going to Melbourne the next day.

I drove to her apartment and saw her waiting there. She got into my car and said we had to wait for Yuri and Ash. I saw Yuri waiting on the street, she came to Erica's window to say hi to me and then walked away back to the entrance to their apartment.

The first thing Erica asked me was where my cap was, as I wasn't wearing it. It made me feel that she didn't like the fact that I was bald and wanted to hide that fact. It made me feel like she wasn't attracted to me. She playfully poked my head and I did the same to her, only to have her tell me off, saying that in Korea you cannot touch a girl's head. Being told off in the car, coupled with the fact that I was looking for an excuse to break up, made me upset. I think normally I would've just shaken it off, but the thought of kicking her out of the car and driving off crossed my mind.

I later saw Ash speaking with three people, I think one female and two males. I asked Erica if they were his friends, and she said they were talking about renting Ash's car space. After a while Ash and Yuri got into my car. I asked if Thai was ok and Erica said she wanted Japanese, so I mentally scrambled for a Japanese restaurant, and thought about the one we went to with Thai, Malay and Brain.

I drove there, and shortly after I took off, this BWM 4WD suddenly decided to reverse park in front of me and nearly collided with me, and I had to swerve to avoid it, only to have Erica tell me to be careful. I parked about two blocks away, but Erica complained that she couldn't walk because of her broken foot in a cast. She said I didn't think about her. I tried to carry her a bit, but in the end we just walked slowly. As luck would have it, the restaurant I wanted was fucking closed. Ash was like "let's just go to the next one" and not tell them it was closed, only to find out the one next door was closed as well.

Erica said she wanted to go to the one on Pitt Street, so Ash and I went back to my car to pick them up. On the way, we were driving on a one way street when a car turned into our street and headed directly for us. It didn't look like it was going to stop or knew that it was going the wrong way, and I had to change lanes to avoid it. I thought, lucky the girls weren't in the car or else they would've blamed me for that too.

We picked them up and drove to a Japanese restaurant on Pitt Street near the Capitol. I dropped them off saying I'd go find a parking space, only to get a call moments later saying to pick them up again as the restaurant had no sushi or something.

I decided to try the one Daniel and I went to for lunch once near my workplace. I knew if this failed then the night would start to be a failure as well, and I could only think of Newtown to try after that.

Fortunately it was open, I dropped them off and then Ash and I went to park. I didn't have any coins for the meter, and he offered to use his credit card. I was secretly wondering if this guy was loaded, as he was an engineer in mining and rented this apartment for Yuri, but I think I got my answer when he seemed exasperated that the parking was like $3 an hour. In the end, we didn't end up paying because the machine wouldn't accept his card or something.

Another clue I got was when we crossed the road and he spotted a discarded piece of cheap jewellery. It was like a bronze necklace with a heart shape, but it was broken. He picked it up and said he could give it to Yuri claiming it was expensive. I thought he was joking but he actually did try to give it to her when we got to the restaurant, only to admit shortly thereafter that he found it, and then just placed it on a sea at another table next to us.

The dinner went ok. The Bali trip got brought up again, this time with a bit more details. Ash said he had already booked, and the plan was for Yuri to fly to Perth and then they would go to Bail together from there, then thereafter go to Ash's home town. He said Erica and I could either fly to Perth with Yuri as well, or go straight there. I asked Erica if she wanted me to book, and then asked for her passport, and she said I didn't need it. Ash and Yuri told her she did need it as it wasn't domestic. Erica said something to Yuri and Yuri said "she doesn't have it". Hmmm.

Most noticeable omission for me, again, was the lack of talk about me moving in. I wondered still if this was some sort of interview or grooming process to have me incorporated into the group. For some strange reason, I got the feeling that last time we had dinner I may have been unconsciously directing my eyes at Yuri's chest (not that she was wearing anything revealing or even had big breasts), so this time I made a conscious effort to look at anything and everything but. It's just one of those strange little quirks of mine.

We seemed to order heaps of food, and Erica would, as usual, sometimes feed me something to eat. I did this thing at the beginning where when I had to break apart my chopsticks, I held half of it and let Erica break the other half, and Yuri said we do everything together.

I was expecting not to pay for this dinner, since I paid last time. So when the bill came, Ash offered to pay and said not to worry, but I noticed he did tell me it was $180 when I asked. Erica told me to pay half, so I took out a $100 bill and gave it to her. Ash said not to worry and she (jokingly?) said she'd keep it. I tried to get it back off her but she resisted, and then when I gave up she returned it. I would've been pretty pissed if she took it.

After that we drove to karaoke. I managed to park right outside the place, which was upstairs next to some Korean restaurants, opposite Makato, which I've walked past millions of times, never knowing that it was a karaoke place.

Erica struggled up the stairs but seemed determined enough. She talked with the guy at the counter and then asked me to pay. I asked how much and she said $100 and 70 cents. So I took out my $100 bill and she said she had 70 cents and took out all her coins, but I could tell from the guy's face that it was $107, not $100.70. So I paid a bit more and then Erica started giving me all the coins in her purse, lol.

We went into the room, I was a bit surprised at how much lighting there was, but there seemed to be some disco lights on the ceiling. My thoughts were answered when Ash started singing, the lights went out and the disco lights started - so these lights only get activated when a song starts.

We ordered a plate of fruits, some prawn crackers and beers and ice tea for me.

Yuri sang a song, while Erica spent a lot of time looking through the booklet for a song to sing. I sang a song with Ash, actually I sang a few songs with Ash, and it was funny when after one of them Yuri was like "no more, one guy is bad, but two guys is worse" lol. We sang "I want candy" and I would sometimes say "I want Erica" which made her laugh.

One of the most memorable moments for me was when Ash and I sang "Call me maybe", I'd gesture to Erica pretending to give her my number and then for her to call me, and she'd playfully say "I have boyfriend" lol. It felt like that was what she'd say to a guy who approached her, knowing that 'boyfriend' was me.

Somewhat ironically, we also sang Grenade, which to me was a song applicable to Erica, since she "take, take, take it all, but you never give..."

Yuri and Ash went out for a smoke and I thought this would be a good time to make out, but nope. Then Erica and I went downstairs so she could smoke, and I thought this was a good time to make out, but...nope.

Erica sang a few Korean songs, and even surprised me by singing bits of an English song. To finish it off, she sang Gangnum style and this was when she really revealed her partying side, as she was singing loudly, throwing her fist in the air and basically jumping up and down on her seat.

Erica was leaning back into my lap and I was holding her which felt really good. She showed me photos on her phone, the latest batch of which appeared to be from her clubbing experience with her girl friends, including Julie. I spotted one quick one of some guy posing, but just shook it off as some stranger.

After karaoke I drove them back to their apartment, and I kissed Erica goodnight twice with pecks on the lips. When she got out of the car she was still waving, and I asked her to kiss the window, and she asked me to wind up the window on her front passenger side, so I did, and then she kissed it.

After I got home, we messaged each other and I said we could go out to dinner when she had time. She suggested "tuesday dinner and talk..." adding "I want talking about our future."

Monday
Whilst at work in the afternoon, Erica messaged me:

Erica: are you busy?

Me: in the office
why?
at work
why?

Erica: Money tomorrow you do it?
me no money...
bank no call you?

And this was I suppose a turning point which reflected my decision...

Me: I wanted to talk to you about this last night
my mother needs eye surgery
I can only give you $40000
the money in my bank now

The eye surgery part is true. The $10,000 cost of it is not.

Her: you mother it's ok?...

Well, at least she asked about my mother.

Me: maybe...
risk of blindness...
this is bad time for me
but I need to help you both

I made up the risk of blindness bit.

Her: tomorrow give me money
?
?

Me: I can only give you $5000 each week
so I can give you $5000 tomorrow

Her: when $35000?

Me: each week
so 8 weeks

Her: 8 weeks?

Me: $5000 tomorrow
$5000 next week
and continue...
understand?

Her: why not keep the promise?

Me: I need $10000 for mother

Her: But you mon $10000, give me $40000

Me: yes
but cannot give 40 all at same time
$5000 per week

Her: no give me everything

Me: I cannot

Her: same time

Me: I can only give $5000 per week

Her: same time
you don't believe me?

Me: that is not the issue
I have personal reasons
please try to understand

Her: I don't need your money
never don't call me.
you so bad..

This was always going to be the case. I was never going to withdraw bloody $40,000 in one go. There'd be too many complications in doing that, in terms of work being notified. And this was what my plan was all along - if she didn't like it, then I'd happily walk away.

I didn't respond and actually felt good that this had come to an end - caused by her. I didn't need to feel any guilt. I felt like I had done my part - I had offered, she didn't like the way the money was coming, she didn't want it, nothing more I could do.

I felt so emancipated in fact, that after work I decided to go have Macca's instead of going to the gym to treat myself. I wasn't really sad; instead, I was looking forward to getting that free glass that comes with large McValue meals, so I could give it to Malay. I was looking forward to being free to spend my time and money on my friends.

Tuesday
Despite the feeling of elation, I knew I'd hear from her again. And I was right.

On Monday night, she called me twice at around 1-2am. I, of course, couldn't be fucked answering.

On Tuesday morning she sent me messages saying she was sorry for calling me as she had had many drinks. Then in the afternoon she sent me more messages saying "I give you last chance.." and "you want talk to me tonight?"

Last chance?! It should be ME giving you a last chance!

But I knew this was her way of making the first move.

I thought about it long and hard. Do I ignore it and move on? This could be my out to save $40,000. Or do I give her a piece of my mind? I know in the past, I'd just walk away without saying a word, hoping the other person knew why, but they never did, even though, to me, it was obvious. So do I try for short term satisfaction in venting out, or do I take the wise road and move on?

I decided to let her have it.

My messages were:

Jin
I have realised
you are not a grateful person
I should have known when you complained about the handbag I gave you
now you are complaining
about receiving $5000 per week
for free
and I am prepared to pay your rent
and living expenses
if you want to meet tonight
then I can meet
but I will not be giving any money tonight

She replied:
The end will say to me?
nt understand me.
I know something wrong that.
I promise you...try honestly to you and less complain.
But I was really angry and confused. Because u changed make a promise.

We ended up meeting that night, which I was a bit reluctant about. I felt like I was making a mistake. I had just gotten out, but now for some stupid dumbass reason I got myself back in.

I picked her up and the mood was solemn. I asked if she was hungry and she said no, but if I was hungry then we could go eat. I wasn't going to eat by myself, so I drove us to Mrs Macquarie's Chair, overlooking the Harbour Bridge. I also asked if Ash was home and she said no, that he had gone back to Perth. She was like "talk" and I tried, but sometimes her phone would ring. The fact that she answered it and proceeded with her conversations I felt was a bit rude. On the second call, I felt like just driving her home and ending things.

But we managed to talk, slowly. I said she couldn't just break up when things went bad, that it was too easy for her to break up. We talked about our future a bit, she said she would have to work to pay off that additional $10,000 and was thinking of working a few days a week for a month. She added that if she continued working she'd make a lot of money and she was only quitting because of me. She sarcastically said to me "many men I like".

I told her that my job was going to end in April and that I planned to go to the bar. I said I could support us, but we might struggle. She laughed at my phone's translation of struggle. I said she might have to smoke less, and she said I think too much and again compared me to Ash, who apparently doesn't think much. I said they probably do, and she said Yuri told her he doesn't.

We ended up getting out of the car, and I tried to tell her not to get accustomed to the money. I tried to use Julie as an example, but not sure if she got my point. She said being a working girl was not too bad when I tried to suggest that it was a life she needed to leave.

She reached out and squeezed my lips, we ended up cuddling a bit with a bit of light kissing before getting back into my car. I wondered how the fuck I kept getting myself back into this mess. She said she was hungry now, so we went to get something to eat. I asked her what she wanted, and she said anything, so I started driving her to Harry's Wheels. She asked what we were having, I said hot dogs or pies, and she said she didn't like. I got a bit annoyed, because obviously, this is not "anything".

We ended up going to a Korean restaurant. I was going to take her to Madang, the one Jim always wants to go to but is always packed. She led me to one next to it, so we went there. While ordering, I decided to move my car as it could become a clearway in 40 minutes, so I left to find another car parking spot. As I was driving, the thought of just going home did cross my mind, and I realised now that I had become George Costanza when he was dating Susan.

I returned to the restaurant to see the food was already there. The hot pot thing seemed to be slipping off towards me, and I finally managed to point that out to her after a bit of difficulty. I was impressed, however, with how she managed to control it with the large spoon thing. She organised to have it changed so it was no longer sliding.

The rest of our meal was pleasant, had some small laughs and that. I asked her if many guys approached her and her friends at clubbing. I was sorta expecting a no, but she said yeah, many Chinese boys go up and ask them where they're from. She said something like "two days no touching". At first I thought she was telling me that when she goes clubbing, I can't touch her for two days, but that didn't make sense. I finally decided that she meant that when she goes clubbing, she does not allow anyone to touch her. She said she goes only for the music and just to dance.

She told me her friends' names, including Misha. I said Misha was very famous from her shop but I had never seen her. She seemed to acknowledge that. I asked if Misha had a boyfriend and she said she has many boyfriends.

She also corrected me, saying her friend's name is Yuri and Suri, not Sarah as I had been calling her.

After dinner, we left the restaurant and she wanted to sit down outside for a moment to smoke. So we talked a bit there. I pointed out in the menu on the wall that there was a basketball team with the same name, and showed her my competition's website, and told her we were number one. She said I probably wasn't the best player, and she was right, lol.

I also showed her a photo of our old Sunday team (don't have one of our current one) and she said Carter was good looking, and Alex Z was good looking. I asked her who looked Korean and she pointed out Mike, then One. I said he was a very angry man, and she said he looked like a father.

After that I walked her to her apartment. We were holding each other close, as she was still struggling to walk. I leaned in to kiss her cheek, she rubbed it off playfully as usual, when two Korean girls walked by us and turned around to look at me. I thought they must've thought the kiss was unwanted, but then Erica said something to them, and told me they were her friends. She pointed the left one out as Jin Ju, and the other as Misha. I said Misha was not good looking, but maybe it was because she wasn't wearing any make up. She laughed.

When we got to the bottom of her apartment, I gestured for us to walk to the corner. I held her a bit and then asked if I could come up. She said no. I said "ok, I go home then", turned around and walked away. She yelled out "why angry?", I turned around to look at her, expecting her to gesture for me to come back, but she didn't, so I kept walking away.

I know that this is not a good thing to do. It feeds my ego but it also ends things badly - it happened with Emily, and it happened with Nunjo. I told myself before to never do this again. But maybe I was looking for an excuse to break up, or maybe I was just looking for sex. Either way, I figured, it'd work in my favour.

She sent me a message when I got home - "why angry go?"

This started a whole long conversation with me basically whinging about not getting sex (part of me thinks, I am paying $40,000 for nothing, and that money could get me a lot of sex). She actually shot me a criticism, saying "you think you're your own importance". She sent a lot of messages, so many in fact, that I couldn't be bothered translating them all. I stopped responding and she called me a few times but I didn't answer.

Wednesday
For some reason, the next morning I apologised. I felt like a pig for trying to force her to have sex with me. I think that's called rape. I told her I'd give her $5000 today, but that I needed time to think, and that maybe I'd give her the rest of the money after she earns her $10,000.

At lunch I went to the bank and withdrew $5,000. I met her at a cafe near her apartment and we both had a green tea latte. She was sick, and didn't seem too lively. I asked for her purse, she gave it to me and I put the envelope with $5,000 inside. I asked if she was happy, and she said no at first because she was stressed, and I was like "no?" and then she said yes, remembering what I had said about being grateful. See, now I feel bad because it seems forced.

She asked me what university I went to and I told her. I asked her about her education and said I remembered she was a chef. She said no. She said the university she went to was for chefs, but she studied business administration. She said she didn't finish because she didn't have enough money.

I started drawing on a napkin a timeline, setting out my age and when I went to high school, university and started work. She did the same. I also drew a heart with our names inside it with a little arrow, then she started writing some Korean words but wouldn't translate it for me.

We talked a bit, and she said she had a doctor's appointment after this. So I went back to work, and in the afternoon she sent me many messages. It seemed like she was panicking but I did not know why. Then she said the doctor said she can't walk for six more weeks and wanted to make sure I'd give her the money every week instead of making her earn $10,000 first.

Great, now she's got to be on crutches for six more weeks. How the hell do I say no to that?

I said I'd help, but again tried looking for an out. I said:

I will pay you every week
but
I hope you know
this hurts me financially
I help you because I love you
not sure if you love me...

She said:
thank you..
love to
too

This reminded me of the time I said it to Naby, when she said "me too" instead of "I love you too". It was an all too obvious clue. She didn't say "I love you too", just "love to" or "love too" at best. It was so forced. I knew I was displaying insecurity, but I was hoping it would turn her off and force an excuse for my exit.

I later said "it's ok, I know the real answer". She said "you do not trust me?" I didn't reply and two hours later she said "me very panic...now sleeping". I had turned my phone off and she had called a few times.

Thursday
I woke up feeling kind again and told her not to panic. I felt sorry for a girl who was stuck in a foreign country with a broken foot and not being able to work for six weeks. Who was she supposed to rely on?

Fuck me for being so soft hearted.

We organised to meet for dinner the next night, and she said "food and will invite later", which I took to mean she'd invite me to her place after dinner. I felt like I was forcing her to do something she didn't want to, and now I felt bad.

I told myself, that if I ended up having sex with her, I'd pretty much have to help her. If I could resist, then I'd still have an out.

Friday
She said she was still sick and so we organised to meet for lunch the next day. There was a bit of an issue with the time, as I said I wanted to meet at 1pm and she said 2pm as she was busy but seemed to be a bit mysterious as to why.

I was now pretty sure that she wasn't out with another guy, as she just didn't seem to be that type of person. But I really wondered what she could be busy with.

G's birthday

On Saturday morning I met up with Nick for some ball at Central, but for me it was really just an opportunity to catch up. I got there first at 9am and started doing some dribbling drills when he arrived shortly thereafter. We seemed to immediately get into why he was looking for a new job - I feared he had already quit his job like last time, but luckily he hadn't, saying he learnt his lesson.

He said he wanted to change jobs because the people above him had no clue what they were doing, which I thought was kinda  silly reason to change jobs. I'm more like the type to just keep their head down and get paid, don't rock the boat.

Also talked about his bball comp, saying he now had an injured shoulder and was recovering from that. He asked if I was interested in playing a Sunday comp with him in Alexandria, and that conversation got side tracked I think with talk about whether Bo would be on the team. Apparently Bo told him he wanted to start a team in our Chinese comp so he could charge at One and Jim (and undoubted me as well), which was not surprising at all as I know Bo is that type of person. But Nick told him to look for someone else like Mike, and he presumes Bo asked Mike and got rejected because Bo sent a message saying something about basketball being depressing.

We were just shooting around when these two guys, Aaron and Craig, asked if we wanted to play two on two, so we did. I felt like my lungs still weren't at full capacity and got tired rather quickly. After that game we played three teams of four on four with some other guys.

After bball Nick and I went to grab some lunch at a pub nearby, with this really cute Thai girl serving the bar. I told him about getting back with Erica, and said I had to decide whether I liked my money more or her more. He said if I had to ask that then the answer was obvious. I agree. I wasn't really sure which way he wanted me to go, but he didn't approve when I said she wanted to go to Bali at my expense.

He also talked about his new girlfriend, and how different she was to his ex. He seemed really happy talking about her. I noticed he even bought a take away meal, presumably for her.

I had to be conscious of the time as I had to go to G's birthday party, so we parted at about 1pm, which was cutting it a bit thin for me as the party was at 2pm.

I caught the bus home and had a shower. I had left my phone at home to charge, and saw Malay had called me twice and messaged me. Brain merely messaged me on facebook, rather late, asking if I was driving. Two things annoyed me: 1) why did he leave it so late to ask me; and 2) why should I drive when he has his own car now? He said he didn't want the hassle of parking in the city.

WELL WELCOME TO OUR FUCKING WORLD!!!

Anyway, I picked Malay up, gave him two collectable glasses I got from Macca's and we went to the newsagency to get a bag to put G's present in. He paid for it even though I offered, which was nice.

When we got there it was a bit awkward, as when we were walking through the car park Bob drove up and said hi to Malay. To be honest for me the beef is over, but I just don't want to make the first move. Thai arrived at the same time as well, and we all lined up to sign in. I swear the chick doing the signing in was so hot, but I could just tell she would never go for an Asian guy like me.

After we signed in, Michael L came up to us with a big bowl of wedges. I saw a guy carrying this enormous dish of various fried foods and really wanted that, but G said he had vouchers for fish and chips, so I was like, aight, get fish and chips then.

We started playing lawn bowls and were wondering where G was with the fish and chips, as it had been a while. Then Michael L asked who was going to walk over to the fence to get the fish and chips from G as he was buying it from outside.

Everyone was like "WTF!!!" and we all decided to call G to stop him, and that we'd pay for the food here to save the embarassment. I swear if we had gone through with that we would've given Asians such a bad name. I can't believe G would be so stingy on his own birthday to go buy food from the outside just to save a few dollars.

Turns out he had bought the fish and chips anyway, and ate some of it before returning, and then gave us the rest afterwards.

Lawn bowls was fun, more challenging than it looks. I was in the team with Malay, Thai and Brain, and the other team was G, Mike, Bobs and his girlfriend. They won by a small margin.

After that we went to karaoke, but I had to drop off Malay at home first as he needed to go to work. After parking in the city, Thai said he needed to go to the ATM, only to have his card eaten by the machine, so we waited around a bit as he called up the bank. I covered for him for the rest of the night.

At karaoke, there was Shuing and a girl I hadn't met before. I thought she was one of G's "friends", but turns out she was a friend of Bob's girlfriend. I managed to go through the 90 minutes without singing, thinking if Brain can get away with it then so can I, despite some pushing from Shuing.

After karaoke we went to a Korean restaurant for dinner, the same one Luna took the large group to last time. We got to talk to the new girl a bit more. Her name was Wai and she wasn't shy at all, asking us all about ourselves. She said she was an engineer, and I was about to mention Ash, but thought the better of it.

The really interesting part of the dinner was when Bob's girlfriend gave us a "psychology test". Basically the questions were:

1) You're walking in a park alone and you see a bowl on the ground. What does it look like? For example, are there patterns, is it chipped or perfect?

2) After that you hear a scream. Is it a man or a woman, and do you investigate?

3) After that, you approach a walk which is blocking you from proceeding any further. What do you do?

4) As you walk, you see a small rowing boat on a river. Do you get in it?

5) You arrive at a beach after having walked for ages, and it's sun rise. Do you stay awake to admire it or do you close your eyes and rest?

Apparently based on my answers, I was not ready for marriage. That made me think about Erica. Maybe she was right. Maybe I wasn't ready to commit, despite my long term assumption that I was.

The 'answers' to each are as follows:

1) The more detailed you are in describing the bowl, the more requirements you seek in your partner.

2) Can't remember.

3) Can't remember.

4) If you get in the boat, it means you're ready for commitment. If you walk away, it means you're not.

5) Can't remember.

She also gave us another scenario to determine if we were serial killers or not - an engaged couple and their good friend/colleague go on a research trip to Antarctica. There is a huge snow storm and they are running out of food. Which one survives, and why?

Apparently if you said the third wheel survives because he asked the other guy to go hunting, then killed the woman because he was in love with her and didn't want anyone else to have her, then cooked her and served her to the other guy, knowing that the other guy would commit suicide when finding out that he just ate his fiancee, then you are a serial killer.

Brian seemed to be at a loss for words when explaining his reason for why he thought the third wheel survived, saying only "because it's every man for himself". Hmmm.

We watched as the restaurant played this loud birthday music for another table, so we told them it was G's birthday and they played the music too, lol. The other table also, for some reason, came to give G a piece of cake (this was before we told the restaurant it was G's birthday).

After dinner we had ice cream at the store next door. I sat with Michael L (ugh) and Brain, so there wasn't much conversation going on there. I spent a bit of time texting Ele and sending her photos of where we were. She seemed to show some disdain for Michael L, presumably because he separated from Eva.

We also went upstairs to play the skills tester games, and I blew $15 on them, getting nothing in return. I felt that gambling adrenaline rush go through my body, and realised I had a problem with these as well.

I drove Thai and Brain home, and when driving Brain home, had a rather interesting conversation with him about whether we, as guys brought up within the Asian culture in a western environment, should spend our lives, time and money looking after our money at the expense of being independent. It was a tough question indeed. I, of course, was thinking about it in the context of moving out with Erica.

The Erica options

I'm supposed to be meeting her for dinner tonight, so this post is a bit over due, as I wanted to get my thoughts down before I met her and possibly made a decision.

I've been thinking long and hard about this, and it seems like these are my options.

1. Run away - with excuses
Yes, this is the coward's way out, but it's a way out. I could say one of my relatives died, and I have to go back to HK for some time. She could message me, and I'd just say I was still in HK. Or I could even just say "this is not a good time" if she asks for the money.

2. Run away - no excuses
Just be upfront and say "I don't think this is going to work" and break up.

The problem with the above two options is, I then think about her returning to work, being forced to be with all those men she doesn't want to be with...and it'll be all my fault. I forced her back to prostitution. She'll have to endure extremely hard times because of me. Can I live with that?

I know one line of thinking is "she got herself into this mess, you have no obligation to help her", which is right, but then the law as to duty of care applies - if I offer to help, then I've created the duty to help, and cannot thereafter shirk from my duties. So this comes back to...why the fuck did you message her in the first place??!!?

3. Pay up 
I cannot afford $50,000...but my loan is for $40,000 and that is what I can afford to give her. So this option is to just pay up, albeit in instalments, as I don't want to withdraw bloody $40,000 from the bank in one go.

The downside to this is, of course, I'll have to repay a total of about $63,000 over the next seven years, which includes interest.

Thinking about this option, repaying the loan itself off is not so bad - IF it will get her out of the industry. Then if she breaks up with me, I can at least say I did some good in getting her out of her work. So the problem is not so much paying the loan back, but all the ongoing expenses of continuing this relationship - rent, living costs, going to friggin' Bali and Korea.

I've done some rough calculations and estimate I could still save $100 or $200 per week, depending on exactly how much the rent is, but I could only really keep it up until my contract expires in April 2014, and then either the dream comes to an end or we somehow manage to continue to survive.

What will really kill me is if somehow she gets my money and decides to return to work. That will really hurt. I mean, I wanted to get her out of this line of work, she takes my money and returns to it...what the hell. Especially when the reason she's giving me for the money is so she can stop working.

But then on Wednesday, as I was sitting in that CLE seminar, I looked at the ragged suit of the guy in front of me and compared it to my crispy black suit contrasted nicely and deliberately with my white shirt. I liked being able to afford things whenever I wanted. I imagined living with Erica, saving only $100 per week, and struggling to find some extra money if I needed a new shirt, or god help me, a new suit.

I enjoy having all my money to myself, and I am not sure how I will cope with the restrictions to be imposed on me. I also look around my house, and in particular the bathroom that is starting to become somewhat delapidated, and think about how my money could be used towards helping the family.

And then against that, I think about, how much longer do I have to live for my family instead of myself? Isn't it about time that I start living my own life, being independent? Or do I just be the good child and stay with and support my family until they...die?

I guess the silver lining (not sure if that's an appropriate term, but I felt like using it) in this option is I can only offer her $40,000 anyway. She might knock it back, then I can break it off and it'll be the end of all that.

Ash and Sarah

I was to meet Erica and her new flatmates for dinner last night, but she never told me what time. Despite that, I decided I'd have enough time to sneak off to the gym after work before meeting up, so I ducked off for a ride on the bike, and everything else was being used so I left.

Also, before going to the gym, I bought one single rose for Erica. I remember her asking me on Valentine's Day why I didn't buy her one and now I wanted to surprise her, or at least show I was making a little bit of an effort. So I looked like a bit of a dork carrying the rose to and from the gym.

I went home, got changed and headed out. I called her, and she said she was at Ikea near Newtown, and said to meet at 8:30pm. I was a bit annoyed because it was 7pm now, she should've told me the time earlier, and also 8:30pm was a bit late for me since I had work the next day.

So with all this time on my hands, and some guilt on my conscience, I went to Macca's and bought some apple pies to bring home to my mom as she likes apple pies. I bought six and dropped them off back home before heading out to the city. I got out there at 8pm, parked and just sat in my car. I tried to sleep but ended up playing on my phone.

At 8:40pm I messaged her "zzzzzz..." and she messaged back saying she was on her way. Then my phone rang, and I answered with a loud "raaaaaaaaaaaaa", only to hear a guy's voice say "hello, this is Sarah's boyfriend" and having him tell me where they were.

I found them in a Korean restaurant between Chinatown and my old office. When I walked in I didn't see Erica, but this girl waved me towards her table. Without my glasses, I wondered if it was Erica but it wasn't. She said she was Sarah, and pointed to a pair of crutches, which I could only presume to be Erica's.

I sat down and later saw Erica and Yatcham. He introduced himself as Ash, and said that was his name, despite Erica calling him Yatcham. He was a shorter bloke than me, Indonesian, a bit younger (29), had a nice face and was pretty built. I wondered if he was a crim, but later found out he was in mining. I guess he was like me, some fool fallen in love with the wrong girl. Apparently he is based in Perth but comes here only for Sarah, and even decided to rent out an apartment for her, which is where Erica will be living.

Sarah was a bit older, slim, and kinda bubbly/loud. She reminded me of what Naby would look like now if she didn't have plastic surgery.

Erica was wearing a beanie and her right foot was in a cast. I gave her the rose and she really liked it.

The dinner went alright, but I couldn't help thinking that maybe it was an interview to see if I'd be ok to live with. I kept wondering when they'd bring the topic up, but it never came. Even though Erica said in messages before that I could visit after dinner, that was never brought up and so I didn't push for it.

We all got along fairly well, Ash seemed like a nice guy, and Sarah was outgoing. As the night went on, I found myself throwing an arm around Erica or her chair, and even Ash and Sarah started getting closer.

I didn't have to ask, but I knew Sarah was a working girl. Maybe I'm 'experienced' now, but the hat she was wearing just gave it away. It was the hat Naby wore - trying to be stylish yet wanting to remain hidden at the same time. For the briefest of moments, I felt tired of this world. I didn't want anything to do with working girls and wondered what the hell I was doing here.

Erica and I enjoyed each other's company, this time I wasn't as sick so was able to live it a bit more. She'd make food for me, and one time as I was eating, unbeknownst to me there was a piece of chicken hanging off, and Erica decided to push it into my mouth only to have me accidentally bite her finger lol.

Sarah and Erica went out for a smoke, so Ash and I got to talk to each other. Turns out he's a Kobe fan as well and went to watch the Christmas Bulls vs Lakers game last year. I could tell he was obviously making ok money.

Later, he and Sarah went out for a smoke and Erica and I snuck in a few kisses. They brought back some food for me, which was surprising. Erica and I then went out as she wanted a smoke, and I hugged her and kissed her at times.

Back in the restaurant, they were telling me about their plans to go to Bali on 8th January...Erica meant 'Bali', not 'valley'! Sarah asked if I could go and I gave a nonchalant "yeah" and she wanted me to react more positively, and when I didn't, she accused me of not wanting to go. This led to Erica asking me to go outside again and we went out to talk, but not about Bali. I just asked her if they knew I was going to live there, but she didn't understand me. She said she only wanted me there for a few days. I wonder why...to accommodate them, or because she was planning to work? The explanation she gave had something to do with me spending time with my family and not having enough time to see her.

We had some really spicy chicken, which they teased me about because I wasn't used to it. Erica made me drink soju even though she ordered a lemonade for me in the beginning (awwww, she understands me).

When Erica and I went out and came back in, she suggested I pay for the meal. Since they were nice people, and had brought me food, I didn't mind too much. I assumed this might also give me points in terms of having me live there, so I went ahead and paid. It was $124, even though I had only expected to spend $100 at most.

Afterwards we stood outside for a bit. I held Erica and Sarah seemed to want to compare my height with hers and Ash's. Ash said they'd catch a taxi, even though I offered numerous times to drive, and even Erica was reluctant for me to drive. Maybe they don't want me to know where they live?

When I got home, I saw Erica had called me. I texted her saying I was home and missed her already, and she said "me too" and called me, we chatted a bit and that was that.

My first private hearing!

Still recovering from what I had, I still felt like I was in no shape to do this. I managed to walk to work, but once I was in the office, there were a few moments where I felt like I was going to faint. The only thing keeping me going was the obligation to do this, and to do a good job.

I tried to do some last minute preparation, and forced myself to think how I could improve on what I already had. I told myself to pretend that I was a barista and that this was my trial - to no avail. I felt like I had done enough. I think I was ready (but are you ever ready?), although the thing I realised was the hardest part is the waiting. To wait for uncertainty is not a welcoming event.

When time rolled around, I went to Jen and we went down to the hearing room together. I think she caught me checking out Sally. Anyway, my first instinct was to try to reach the hearing room by going outside, only to have Jen say we could go internally - duh.

So we went to the hearing room, and I saw it alive for the first time. People were setting things up, walking around, moving things into place. I kept getting asked about if I wanted the computer, what documents I might need on the screen - when all I wanted was to ask questions. As advanced as the whole thing was, I thought there were too many distractions.

Before I knew it, the Commish had walked in and started. I wasn't even listening to his usual spiel, instead focusing on what I was going to ask and also on the transcript that was being typed out on the screen in real time.

And then it was over to me...

I got up on my feet, and it was like instinct took over. I think I was a bit nervous as I thought I may have been speaking too fast. I could tell my voice showed my sickness, but I tried my best. And before I knew it, it was over.

All 20 minutes of it.

No fireworks, but no shame or embarrassment either.

No questions from the Commish. I wonder what he thought of me.

I went back up to report to Mob, only to learn from her that she had been watching the whole thing...it had been streaming to her computer LIVE!

WTF!?!?!?!

I sat and talked with her a bit, before going back to my room. I sat there for a while, trying to absorb the whole thing, appreciate that it was now over, and also trying to figure out what I should be doing next.

At lunch I met Rom on a whim and we went to check out the appeal. We saw DC and GS sitting at the back row and we took a seat in the public gallery. I recognised a few faces and sat there for about ten minutes before leaving as I felt a coughing fit coming on.

I went back to my office to eat my sandwich. As much as I wanted to buy something to top off my lunch, like hot chips or a chocolate bar, I had to remind myself that I needed to save money if I was really going to live with Erica.

At 2pm I went with Error to the tribunal for a TI. There was a lot of silence, on my side because I was sick, not so sure about him. Everything went smoothly, and we returned to the office.

I left work just after 5pm, and Erica messaged me about dinner tomorrow with her "best friend" - who I presume to be the room mate.

How the fuck am I going to get out of this...

Loan approved

On Thursday I was feeling a bit better and managed a full day at work, although towards the end of it I was feeling the headache again and promptly left at 5pm. I skipped bball because One didn't want me spreading the germs, which is fair enough.

I went to sleep fairly early, like at 8pm, woke up at 11pm to my dad's sleep talking in the lounge. He was calling out for me to wake him up. I walked to use the bathroom, feeling guilty - was this some sign that I shouldn't go ahead with the Erica thing?

I went back to sleep, only to wake up hours later with a huge mother fucking migraine. I knew work the next day was out of the question. So on Friday morning I went to the doctor, and he said I have "lower respiratory tract infection" - I later googled this and it says it is a synonym for "pneumonia"...wtf?!

He also had a chat to me about my work as usual, and again suggested the whole racial profiling thing as the reason for not promoting me. I told him I considered going to the bar and we talked about the medical equivalent of that.

After I went home I called Mob to say I wasn't coming into work and she was ok with it, adding that Paul had also called in sick.

I spent the morning playing Last of Us online with Malay, until I got a call from the bank.

My loan application for $40,000 had been approved.

To be honest, I wasn't too surprised that I got it. Given the profits the banks make, I knew they'd jump at the chance to loan someone like me some money. But I was surprised at how real this had become. I told myself that despite this, the decision still had not yet been made.

Yesterday I went to the gym, even though I still wasn't feeling 100%. It was probably a bit too early, as at times I felt like fainting, and the whole time I was short of breath. Despite this, I told myself I'd be playing the next day.

So fast forward to today, and I'm watching my team play, as Bert brought his friend along and wore my jersey. We won against Richard's team, so didn't need me anyway.

In the hands of the loan gods

This post comes a little bit late, but I liked the title so much I had to do it.

So on Wednesday, I got into work and realised I couldn't do it. My nose was too runny, I was too cold, and my head hurt like a motherfucker. I mulled it over and over, and finally told Mob I had to go home. She was nice about it, and I figured I'd still have Thursday and Friday to prepare for my hearing.

But one wonders, has Erica's return to your life created such an instant diversion in your attention to your career? That would be the objective view, but I genuine was really sick.

I decided to make the most of my time and went to the bank after. I saw a banker called Vineet and applied for a personal loan of $40k. I had called up another bank before and told them I needed the money for my girlfriend's studies, and they said there was law preventing them lending me money to give to another person. So this time my story was I was going on a holiday to the US, returning whenever the money ran dry.

Midway through my application, I kinda sat there in amazement - I'm doing this, I'm really really doing this. But then another part of me thought "pffff, they haven't even approved you yet, you should worry when it gets declined or approved". I figured if it gets declined, I'd have to break it off with Erica (again) but I'd save myself $40k. If it gets approved...well...I still don't have to give it to her, I still have time to decide.

The process took a bit longer than expected. I was glad to hear him say I was financially prudent, the one problem he said was they were worried about my serviceability given I'd be away for the trip and not working.

Ummmm...ya, but you see...I will be...

He asked me to send him some paper work and I left afterwards. My main concern was them contacting my work, and he said they don't always do it, and if they do, it's just a mere confirmation that I work there, rather than "hey does he work there, because he wants to borrow $40k from us". Needless to say, any information like that would send alarm bells ringing within my office.

I was so sick I just wanted to go home and rest. I messaged Erica to say I'd taken the day off work sick, suggesting it was due to the night before, and she apologised. She asked if I was still going to help her move and I said yes, but just needed some sleep first.

So I went home to sleep, woke up at 2:30pm, messaged her. She said she was in Villawood. I got a bit angry, asking her why she was working. Not really sure I understood what she was trying to say, but I said I'd come give her the $2500 now and take her home. So I went to the bank to withdraw $2500, went home, got the car and drove out.

I was sick, but my instincts pushed me as I felt like I needed to 'rescue' her. I told myself every minute counted, but there was horrible traffic. Missing the right turn (again) also was a costly factor. I finally made it to the shop, called her asking her to bring me some tissues (as my nose was runny) and jokingly asked her to bring condoms. She naively asked why and then said I was crazy.

I got out of my car, walked to a nearby tree and chucked a piss. I don't usually pee in public, but I really needed to go. I waited a while before seeing her limping out, this time with three lots of luggage. I got out and helped her put them in the boot of my car and we drove off. I asked if she needed the money and she said no.

I asked if she brought me tissues and she said no. I figured she wouldn't bring condoms, but tissues...?? Guess she thought I was joking, but now that she saw my nose was leaking, she realised I was serious. After a short drive, she said to turn back as she needed her phone battery and also to get me tissues. This time when we stopped, she asked for the cash, and I gave it to her. She went in, then came back out with a half full box of tissues.

$2500 worth of tissues...

We drove off again. I asked if she wanted to have dinner. She said ok. I suggested Korean food in Strathfield and she said ok, but she also said she now likes Chinese food and Thai food. I said before she told me she hates Chinese food. She admitted she changes her mind. She kept pointing to my runny nose and giving me tissue, although she didn't seem to be too wary of catching anything, as she'd rub my head sometimes as I drove.

When we got there, I helped her walk from the car to the restaurant. She was still limping, and I asked her how she worked. She said "like this" and created a straight body with a stoic smiley face. I think I knew what she meant, although I doubt she smiled, from past experience. She asked if I liked Aussies girls and I jokingly said yes. I said they had big breasts, and she said she had a boob job, and I said then she must've been really small beforehand, and she laughed.

We went to the restaurant that I went to with Katie on our first date. I let her order, and it was only later that she told me she had Korean for lunch. I asked her why she didn't tell me, and we could've had something else, but I think she just wanted to accommodate me.

The meal was good, but maybe it was because I was sick, I wasn't really 'into' it. She was making me food from time to time, there was a bit of talk and laughter, but I was quiet a lot - was it because I was sick, or was it because this was two days in a row, and whatever communication barriers we had were coming to surface?

I asked her why didn't she order soju, and then she ordered it, before telling me she now likes beer. She said her dog died about two months ago, and she was really sad, took two weeks off work and had soju all the time so was now sick of it. She also told me she likes clubbing, and asks the DJ for CD.

At the end of the meal, she asked how long it'd take me to drive to the restaurant, as she couldn't walk. I said ten minutes and left her to pay for the meal, as she said the day before she'd buy me dinner if I gave her the $2500.

$2500 dinner...

So I went back to get my car, drove back to pick her up. At least she was ready, I guess so many bad experiences with Brain never being ready made me grateful for that one small thing.

She said she wasn't moving tonight because she couldn't get the keys, so she'd have to stay the night at her current place in World Tower. She said I could go up for a cup of tea, and then messaged her friend then told me her friend was home, so I took that as an indication there'd be no tea for me.

I was still feeling pretty crook, but she would still feel my face or my head from time to time as I drove. I kept this running joke of "no condom" and she kept laughing and saying no. She was messaging on her phone and asked me to take note of 8 January, as she wanted me to go with her and her friends to the "valley" (I think she meant Hunter Valley). I said "no condom" and she said "no condom, no sex". Well, this is at least one step better than the night before when she was talking about me moving in with her and saying we'd sleep "Korean style", drawing a line in between us, implicating no sex (didn't believe her).

She also asked if I wanted to see a movie on Saturday. I said she wouldn't understand, and she said it'd be with her friends. She said they wanted to go to Darling Harbour to watch it.

As I drove, I'd point out various "shops" to her, and she played ignorant and asked me what shops. But later she got a little upset saying her friend's boyfriend wouldn't do that. She seemed to use him as a comparison a lot.

When we got to the city, I parked near my place, dragged her luggage in my left hand, and held her with my right as she hobbled along. When we stopped at the traffic lights, I joked and asked if she'd give me babies, and she said "no hair baby". Gotta admit, she does have a sense of humour.

I still wasn't sure if she wanted me up there, but without a word, we went into the lifts and up to her level. She opened the door, went in and invited me in. Seemed like her friend wasn't home

She went into her room a bit before coming out to make me some jasmine tea. I went to use the bathroom before coming out and sitting on the lounge with her.

There was no tv in the lounge room, just two mattresses stacked up on its sides, with her stuff piled along one way. She said there were two bedrooms and she shared the master bedroom with Julie. She said she didn't get along too well with the other girl.

Back in the Naby days, I had always wondered what the apartments of these working girls would be like. Well, I guess now I knew. For some strange reason, I always pictured some sort of orgy fest, or at least some sort of room that was very accommodating for sex.

Nope. This was just...bare. Like she said, it was just for sleeping. There didn't seem to be much else.

I asked her why she was moving and she said because there'd be a tv. Not sure if that's really a good reason.

I saw she still had the angry bird I gave her. I asked her at the dinner whether she still had my presents, like the ipad, and she said yes, so I guess this proved it.

She took off her shoe and I saw how bad it was. The side of her foot was bruised very badly, and looked like something you'd get twisting an ankle in a basketball game. I seriously have no idea how she could even work like that. She started bandaging it, and I helped her with the tape.

I knew there'd be no 'sexy time', and I also didn't want to pass on too much germs to her, so after a while I said I'd let her rest and left. I said she didn't have to walk me to the door, getting ready to open the door myself, and then she pointed out that I was holding the wrong door - LOL!

Anyway, when I got home she called me to say her friend had just arrived.

So there you go, my future now laid in the hands of the loan gods.

Erica - what have I done?

Messaging Erica back and forth yesterday, finally convinced her to meet me. Apparently she's working at a shop in Villawood right now, and asked me to go there. So after work, I went home, got the car and went.

Driving there, I told myself if worse came to worse, I'd just ask something like "do you love me?", she'd say no or something that's not a 'yes', which would give me an out of this shit I randomly brought myself into. And what if that doesn't happen? I started thinking about getting a personal loan to help her...

It took me a while to find this shop. I had heard of it before but never been. Driving through this industrial zone disgusted me. I could only imagine what sorts of guys would come to an area like this.

I parked outside and called her. She said she'd come out in five minutes. After a while I saw her looking around and she called me - obviously didn't see my car. I flashed my lights, and the car in front of me which had just arrived, left, lol.

She got in my car. I asked if she had had dinner and she said yes. I asked where she wanted to go, she said to get a beer. I asked her what time she had to be back, and she said whenever we finished talking. So I drove, in almost entirely silence, looking for a pub. Not sure if it was the closest one, but ended up going to the one on the corner in Bankstown on Hume Hwy.

We went in, took a seat at a high table with stools. I bought her a henieken and a lemonade for myself, and then we started talking.

Asked her why she was in debt - hesitated a long time before saying her mother has cervical cancer. I could see her eyes were swelling up and getting red.
Asked her how much she owed in total - $80,000. She said she has $30k saved up, so needed $50k.
Asked her what happens after I give it  - what if she leaves? She said she won't, and I said but I don't know that. She said if I can't trust her then I shouldn't do it.
Asked her what plans are after quitting job - study, go to university and find job. Reluctant to share expenses, said not Korean way, but said she'd cover her own drinks, cigarettes etc.
She said we think very different, I asked for fresh start.
She said reason she broke up with me was because I think too much, told her only because she said she wanted to live together and her visa was expiring.

I may have come off a bit aggressive, felt like I was xx a witness, but later reached out my hand across the table. She did not take it. I went over, held her hand. She let me, good sign. Managed to sweet talk her into it. Started to get a bit closer, more laughs and jokes.

She called her mom, and let me say hello. I said hello in Korean, and she said hello back. After she hung up, she said her mother was happy as she hadn't had a boyfriend for a long time. She also called her friend to ask if it was ok for me to live there. She said the rent was $900 per week divided by four of us.

She asked when I could get the $50,000 by. I said three to four weeks. She said she was going to Melbourne in about two weeks and asked me to try get it before then. I said I'd try. She said if I gave her $2500 then she could stop work for the next two weeks. I agreed.

Sometimes we'd go to the outdoor area so she could have a smoke. It was freezing cold for me, but I decided to bear it. I held her as she smoked. Then she went in to play the poker machines. I watched as she put in about $90 or $110, got up to $200, then lost it all. Afterwards she said she was happy as she hadn't played for a month.

I drove her back to the shop. I asked if I could drive her home, and she said no because her friend is at the shop. I said I could drive both of them, and she asked how we could explain being together. So I dropped her off, and that was that.

I left, wondering what the hell I had done.

Lunch with Amy / Erica

On Saturday night I got a case of midnight drunkeness, and sent Erica a message on Kakao saying "how are you?" It was read soon after but, as expected, there was no reply.

Today, I met up with Amy for lunch. As I walked to our meeting point, I wondered if I'd even recognise her. I looked across the road and saw her standing under the Citibank building. I was about to say "can't believe you made me walk all the way here after running 14km" but she beat me to it and said "I didn't know you wear glasses, were you wearing glasses that night?"

We were about to cross the road before I asked her if there was anything she didn't eat, she said no so I suggested sushi, and we turned around to go to a new sushi restaurant she pointed out. I looked at her and realised she wasn't as bad looking as I had imagined. Her personality definitely is a plus for her.

We settled into the sushi train part of the restaurant, and talked about her Korean class. She said her teacher was alright now, but still wasn't as good as Luna. She said this teacher relies heavily on textbooks and audio tapes.

We talked about Jay, Jihoon, Min and Luna. She told me about how they are struggling a bit to find work here, and that Min has gone to a farm. I laughed, and she said even Luna worked at an onion farm.

Ah yes, the woman I've deleted from my contacts.

All I could think about was how much she might be struggling, yet nevertheless refused to have lunch with me. Just made me realise even more how 'right' she would've been for me. I contrasted this to the situation where some girls chose to prostitute themselves to make money.

I asked her about herself, she's Chinese, speaks Cantonese, lives with her parents, doesn't have a driver's licence, can't drive, has been working at her place for almost three years, this is her first job out of uni, she's looking for another job, going to HK/Macau later this year, plays badminton, has bad knees because she did the wrong exercises, not much of an outdoors person.

She did ask me why I studied Korean in the first place, and I told her the truth - I had a Korean girlfriend but we broke up around week 4/5.

Even though I found myself at times defaulting to silent mode, she would come up with things to talk about, and I always found it comforting when she broke into her own little silly laugh. I could sense that we were going a bit longer than my lunch hour, but she kept talking for a while before I suggested getting the bill. I made my way to the cashier first, with the intention of splitting the bill, but she seemed kinda slow to approach so I just said I'd pay. It was only like $23 anyway. I gave a $2.50 tip, probably to impress her, and she was like "don't like shrapnel?" and I said something about it ruining my wallet. If only she knew that I normally keep even 5c to put into my piggy bank.

She showed me the 'famous laksa place' next door, and pointed her office to me. She's actually quite close to me. We talked about a pizza place near there, and she walked me halfway back to my office, before parting saying she had to go to the shopping centre to get something.

I seemed quite content with the way things went, although I was unsure whether she 'liked me' liked me, or just wanted a new friend. Some things she said which made me think the latter was how she suggested we do something with the Korean guys next time, yet when I suggested taking her to the gym to show her knee exercises she seemed quite eager. Also she mentioned wanting to work in Korea for a few years, which made me think she probably wasn't looking for a boyfriend here.

I returned to the office feeling like I didn't need Erica anymore. Yet the further I read my brief, the more I thought about Erica. Every thought seemed to relate to her. Finally, my scumbag brain caved in - at 5:30pm I sent her more messages, offering her help if she contacted me by tomorrow. At 6:30pm she replied saying "I don't believe your horse".

Am I a bad person?

City2Surf / Malay & Brain birthday dinner

Waking up somewhat excited on Sunday morning, I didn't even think for a second about what to eat before the race. All I could think of was getting the bib on my jersey (Malay would later lend me some safety pins) and what not to forget - phone strap, phone and keys.

I met Malay at my place and we caught a bus out together. There were lots of others on the bus who were also wearing the race bibs, so we didn't feel alone. We decided to wait for Shuing at Hyde Park, and I messaged him saying we were there. We only left for Malay to use the bathroom in the shopping centre and then returned to wait. But while we were at the shopping centre, Shuing sent me a message saying something like "not going to bring my phone, if I seeyas I seeyas".

WTF?

We weren't sure what the fuck that meant, but we waited for him anyway. The time he suggested was 8:50am, but by 9:00am we still hadn't seen him and had to leave, as the gun goes off at 9:05am for our group. Turns out we were even later than expected, because we had to walk all the way around the park to join the pack. The whole street was filled with runners from our group.

Even after the starting gun went off, we had to nudge towards the starting line, that's how many people there were. Finally when we reached the start line, we managed to get off to a jog. Malay was going a bit fast and I thought he was captured in the excitement of it all and hoped he would spare his energy.

It was quite a unique sensation to be jogging amongst so many people on a road depleted of cars in motion. I tried to soak it in while maintaining a steady pace. It was only till we got into the tunnel that we realised we hadn't turned our running apps on, so stopped to do that before resuming jogging again.

I think we had made a fair bit of progress, until I started feeling pins and needles in my right leg. I tried to jog it off, but it was only getting worse, as I was losing more and more feeling in the leg.

Was it my knee? Or was it the kneepad?

Finally, I had to stop at the next drink station. We grabbed a cup of water, walked a bit and resumed. The pins and needles were still there, but not as severe. Later on, Malay had to stop for a toilet break, but there were huge lines, so all up waited for about 10 minutes. I was stretching out my pins and needles in the meantime, which seemed to work.

We started jogging again, only for me to hit another obstacle when we got to the hill. I was tired, and wanted to walk it. So we walked a bit until there was downhill again where we resumed running. There was a bit more stopping after that, including one where my pins and needles came back and I had to stretch it out.

I said something to Malay about struggling, and he said "dig". For some reason, that was enough motivation for me. It made me realise I wasn't digging hard enough. We basically ran the rest of the way, with me keeping a slow jogging pace while he would run up ahead and constantly look back to check that I was still around. I gotta give him credit - he's not only lost a lot of weight, but he had more energy than I did for this.

At one stage I spotted the ocean and figured that was the beach. It was close, I told myself, only to then see the road bend away from the ocean. Very cruel.

We must've ran the last 5-6km non-stop. I really tried to take advantage of the downhill slopes. When there was about 4km left, Malay said to me something like "come on, just one lap of Centennial Park". But even without him saying it, that was how I pictured it. That made it seem easier - a lot easier. But at the same time, I wondered to myself, how did I ever get to the stage where I thought four more kilometres to go would be a 'short distance'?

I just kept going and going, not thinking of much, yet at the same time reflecting upon the whole Erica experience. When we made a left turn into a street full of shops, I knew this was nearing the end. I was glad to see the "1km to go" balloon later on, but I swear to god that wasn't 1km. I ran and ran, and thought "fucking hell, this isn't 1km!!!" I was further demotivated when Malay pointed out the finish line was after a steep bend and back along to where we almost were.

But I couldn't stop now, the crowd was cheering everyone on. Even though there were people walking this last stretch, I couldn't let them or myself down. Finally after the bend, I saw the finish line in sight. I sped up and Malay and I both passed the line at the same time. We gave each other a high five.

I wanted to collapse, or at least sit down somewhere, but the momentum of the people behind me kept me walking on. I collected my medal and finally stood to one side to stop my app.

We wandered around for a bit before taking the long walk to find Tayyar waiting for us with his girlfriend Perl. He drove us to the Wick KFC where we pigged out. I have never ever tasted a KFC chip so good. I saw it was plastered in salt, I dipped it into the potato and gravy and...mmmmm heaven!

My legs were dead. I was surprised I could still walk. Tayyar then drove us home, and on the way we picked up a slurpee.

I went home, had a shower, and decided to rest on my bed. I ended up sleeping for an hour before getting up to play Last of Us. I went to the newsagency to get a bag to hold the presents, and that walk probably took me half an hour to get back. I was pretty much limping, but not in an injured type of way, just due to soreness. I was surprised my right knee wasn't in any type of pain at all.

I then picked up Malay and Scope and we drove out to the restaurant on Crown Street. We arrived right on time, and saw Thai and Brain walking towards us as we approached the restaurant.

We all went in and waited for Shuing and G. We caught up with Scope because we hadn't seen him for a long time, and also pushed for Brain to do the run next year. After a while, Shuing and G arrived. I couldn't help but feel that each time they come together, it reinforces the factions in our group - always us and them.

I felt Shuing was a bit hostile towards me at first, for whatever reason due to not meeting at the race today, but he seemed to be ok with Malay.Not really sure what I did. But he did seem to warm to me later on during the dinner, and we all seemed to avoid talking too much about the topic of meeting up at the race.

The food was good, but the servings were small. It was pretty much agreed at the table that we'd all do it next year, especially now that we had Thai and G agree. Scope was reluctant, and Brain just looked back at us blankly.

When it came to the presents, I think Malay liked the parachute more than the Jawbone wristband lol. His facial expression just showed it all. And Brain really liked his new watch, saying he didn't wear one and needed one. I agreed with Shuing when he said we got a 10/10 in terms of present ideas.

After dinner we went to that cafe on the same street for coffee/dessert. G left because he had to pick his parents up or something. We spent the rest of the night talking more about next year's run, Tough Mudder, and forcing Brain to train for it. Brain revealed that one of his interests was to watch those Chinese dating shows. Interestingly, Shuing mentioned that the one thing guys said that turned girls off the most was something like "I hope she's loyal" and "I hope she stays with me forever". Can't say I was exactly surprised, as I thought it showed neediness, but just seemed hypocritical because this is what most women claim they want.

We walked back to my car and had to wait for Shuing's dad to pick him up as my car could only fit five (again, faction). Then I drove Thai home and the rest of them home. When I dropped Malay off last, he thanked me for the day and seemed really touched that I had gone through the race with him, again shaking my hand.

Dinner with Bush, Kylie and Liz

On Friday during our weekly meeting, Mob of course asked me how it all went. I gave her the minimum, not wanting to get into the middle of this thing between her and Kieran. She made a comment about how the point of our visit was to get them to hurry it up, which I took at a stab at either myself or Kieran, or both.

Kieran came to see me later on and said Mob had asked him about the trip as well, probably to see if our versions matched up.

After work I went home to drive out to meet Bush, Kylie and Liz for dinner. I told them I'd be late and to start without me, so I wasn't in any rush. In fact, I was feeling quite 'buzzed', and thought I'd scope out any street hookers just for kicks. I drove to Kings Cross and didn't see any - I guess it was too early. I then drove to Parra and got there at about 7:40pm.

I saw them at a table, already giggling as they were going through their second bottle. Kylie seemed to be a bit more friendly than usual. I found out Liz was married, so no hope there. They were so tipsy they were talking about which judge they'd do, which lawyer they'd do, and which celeb they'd do. At times it got pretty embarassing.

Then they made a bet with Kylie to see if she could flirt with the waiter to get something for free. So Kylie (awkwardly I thought) 'flirted' with the waiter, trying to get anything for free. She was kinda blunt about it too. We were served mainly by this one young Asian waiter, who looked a bit like Chevy. They engaged him in some conversation, found out he was a uni student studying forensic science or something.

The fun came when after the dinner I filled in the comment card. I wrote stuff like "the waiter is so hot" and shit, and signed it off as Kylie. I didn't think she'd actually pass it on, but Kylie read it (so did the other two) and put it in with the bill. We all sat there watching the guy's reaction as he read it. He was somewhat embarassed, and was like "serious?" and even asked Kylie for her number, but she didn't give it. I couldn't bear it anymore, and excused myself to go out for a cigarette (joke).

I waited outside a bit before they came out, laughing about someone writing "your hot member" on the card, and I was like "I didn't write 'member'" and we all came to the conclusion that Bush had a filthy mind and was imagining things.

I drove Bush home, and offered to drive the other two home, but they refused. So it was during this drive that I told Bush that I had paid for the bar exams. She said it was good that I was progressing my career, but I didn't see it that way - I was seeing a huge risk of failure.

After dropping Bush home, I went back to Kings Cross for some kicks, and actually saw one hooker on the street corner. She looked in to see if I was interested. If I wasn't busting to go to the toilet I actually may have been.

Today I met up with Malay to go pick up our bibs for the City2Surf tomorrow. We also tested out my rope ladder lol.

I don't know why, but this whole Erica thing is coming back to me again. I unblocked her on Kakao and sent her a game invite thing. She read it a few minutes later.

So she hasn't blocked me.

Melbourne!

So I didn't end up going on Wednesday night, as Mob thought that was somewhat unnecessary, so Kieran and I went on Thursday morning. I 'checked in' on fb when I was at the airport, prompting Mike to say something like "I thought you were going last night?!" which made it seem like he had caught me out. But I couldn't have made the 6:30pm game anyway, as I spent the night looking over the financial analysis.

On Thursday morning I caught a taxi to the airport. The taxi driver was black, and I decided to talk to him to work on my conversational skills. After the initial greeting there was a bit of silence, until we started talking about how Sydney's changed, how he spent some time in China etc. I find that taxi drivers can be a good source of information and always welcome a chat. I felt bad that I couldn't give him a tip as I was using the company cabcharge.

When I got to the airport, I checked in and found my way to the so called 'lounge' that Kieran said he'd be at. Apparently I needed membership to go inside, so I had to call Kieran to come get me. He strikes me as someone who should be running a multi-national corporation rather than being an investigator. He just has this aura about him, and he does wear somewhat nice suits. We sat down as he ate breakfast. I didn't eat anything, even though I hadn't eaten, I wasn't hungry. I guess I was just excited.

After a while we boarded the plane. Whereas I'd be lining up like 15 minutes beforehand, he calmly and cooly proceeded to board at just the right time. We didn't sit together as he had asked for exit row seats to get extra leg room. That was fine with me. I ended up sitting all by myself. All I could seem to think about was Erica - what was she thinking when she flew Melbourne to Sydney?

After landing, I was too excited to contain myself, making a comment about the taxis being yellow lol. I felt like I was in another country, and almost half expected the people not to speak English. Damn I need to get out more. During the ride, Kieran was on the phone to someone from work and bitched about Mob not letting us go the night before. This seemed to be a sticking point for him. He even called her a fucking bitch.

We were about 15 minutes late, as Kieran didn't re-schedule the meeting. I guess this was his way of showing Mob that travelling on the morning of the meeting was somewhat unreasonable. I felt a bit like a know-it-all being in the Melbourne office of my old job, almost like I was supposed to know everything. We met the girl Tien who was a bit older than I thought, but was extremely friendly and accommodating. She even took us down to coffee.

When we went into the coffee shop, I went in last, Tien asked me what I wanted and I said short black. Kieran then muffled to me "do you live in a tent?" and went to close the door. Not sure if he meant I should've closed the door, or if I should've shouted. But that comment really hurt for some reason.

We took our coffees upstairs and went into a conference room. The lay out was somewhat similar to the Sydney office. We almost went straight into it. Kieran thought he lost his phone and went searching for it, asking me to explain the financial analysis to Tien. I did, and figured she probably wouldn't get it, but she did! She was a very smart girl. Turns out Kieran's phone was in his bag, so the meeting continued.

Looking back, it kinda seemed like we were playing good cop bad cop, with Kieran being a bit aggressive and in your face, whereas I'd just chip in with constructive comments at appropriate junctures. Tien took it all pretty well. I'm guessing she was an SLO.

The meeting went for three hours. I couldn't believe it. It seemed so short. I wanted to ask Tien to join us for lunch, only to remember that Kieran said he wanted to have lunch with one of his friends. So after the meeting, we met Kate, who Kieran had worked with briefly. She wasn't what I had in mind - 28, red head, somewhat attractive. She took us to this nice restaurant where we had a banquet for three. Of course the conversation was mostly between them, but they did a good job of involving me in it at times. Kate asked Kieran to go skydiving with her, and asked me as well, but I didn't take it too seriously, thinking she was just being polite.

We actually were there for a while, until the lunch hour emptied the restaurant. Kieran again mentioned the whole Mob not letting us go the night before thing. He also revealed that Roy, as nice a guy he is, is clueless about investigations. Ooooooooo.

Kieran asked Kate for a coffee, she seemed reluctant as she had work, but managed to convince her. Kieran suggested I could go for a walk, and I took the hint. I had actually suggested earlier that if he wanted a private lunch then I could go elsewhere but he said it was ok.

So anyway, I happily trotted off myself to take in the city of Melbourne. I took some photos of the trams, and all I could think of was what it was like for Erica to be here. I thought about getting the crew some presents, like I used to do for the office in my old job, but one thought stopped me: Mob might think we were bludging if I had time to go shopping, and this might get Kieran into trouble. So I didn't get anything.

After a while Kieran called and we met up again, where we caught a taxi back to the airport. He was talking about buying presents for his wife's birthday, and I mentioned buying a handbag for my last girlfriend which she didn't like. We sat around in the lounge for a while, just talking, and I mentioned that I wanted to move out but couldn't as I was just on a 12 month contract and Monika would be back. He said he wasn't so sure about that, as it seemed she had gotten a higher position at the DDP. I also 'leaked' the fact that we would pay off our mortgage soon, my dad was getting too old to work, and my sister wasn't very independent.

We again didn't sit together on the flight back. I snoozed a bit but sitting in between two people was kinda uncomfortable. We landed at about 6:40pm which was later than the itinerary. Kieran had already booked a taxi, whereas I had to wait about 10 minutes in the queue.

I had organised to meet with Malay to go pick up our City2Surf bibs, so was half rushing home. I thought about my life, and how I thought I preferred to be alone most of the time, yet here I was jumping from one thing to the next.

I spoke with the taxi driver, who was a Middle Eastern man, and he started talking religion to me. I got home at 7:20pm, and Malay picked me up with Tayyer and his friend Arif also in the car. They weren't really my type of people, I always find they speak too fast, and make jokes that no one gets but expects you to get, otherwise you're dumb.

Anyway, we went to Fox, only to see a huge line, so we turned around and decided to go for coffee instead, even though I told them I had to be home by 8:30pm for dinner. We went to that unique coffee place on Crown Street that Malay had taken me to before. Tayyar bought double shot expressos for all, so typical, as if trying to show how hard he is. But I shouldn't complain since he shouted.

We sat around talking for a while, joking about the race mainly, before leaving so I could get home.

I'm going to the Bar!

On 6 August 2013, I transferred $750 for the three bar exams.

The next day I submitted my application.

Natasha / Wolverine

Monday
On Monday Jim messaged me asking if I was free after work. I didn't really feel like gym, having gone pretty hard the day before, so thought I could take a session off, and so I said yes. I told him I wasn't up for eating as I wanted to have dinner at home, and he said that was cool as he felt like cake anyway.

So we ended up in this cafe near where I had drinks with Thai and Brain. It seemed kinda fancy, and I checked out the cakes to see what I'd get for Margy to thank her for her help. But then this place was a bit too far away from my work, as I'd need to pretty much rush to the counselling straight from work.

I didn't want to eat or spend much money, so just bought a small hot chocolate. The girl rung up the register and I nearly did a double take - $6.80! This small hot chocolate was $6.80!! Fucking hell. I gave her a $10 note and she 'only' charged me $6.

Jim bought two pieces of cake and a coffee, and we talked mainly about bball as he devoured the two slices. In the back of my mind, I was furthering my suspicions that he was bi-sexual. I mean, what guy wants to have cake at places like this?

We talked for a while and then he drove me home. That's always the good thing about Jim.

Wednesday
I ended up getting Margy some chocolates from DJ's. I chose one with nice pink packaging, it was chocolate truffles, and cost $20. I asked the lady at the register about ripping off the label which had the price, and she guessed it might be hard, so another lady suggested putting a sticker on top - but you could still see the price hmmm.

We started off the session talking about the schedule I had made, which sets out the things I do on a daily basis. She seemed a bit surprised that I walk to work everyday, asking if I had started doing it, and I was like "I've been doing it for the last year and a half".

We spent the rest of the time talking about my general outlook in life, being negative and all that, and I even mentioned the Robyn Brady research saying lawyers lead all professions in suicide, depression and relationship breakdowns. She seemed to covertly try to open me up to other views in life, maybe trying to not get me to think such cynically. She gave me a photocopy of an article which I'll read soon.

So we didn't talk about gambling as much, or at all, I think she's trying to focus on my loneliness (she pulled out the quote I wrote before) and my outlook. It was only at the end that she said next time we'll talk about relapse. I was kinda disappointed to see that she thought I still needed another session. To be honest, I thought this would be the last one given she set it three weeks apart. But I suppose I kinda enjoy opening up about this in a way.

After work I went home, waited around for a while, then went to gym and then bball as we had a 10:40pm game. We lost to Titans, they had one guy who was really good but I don't think he was supposed to be on their team. Alex Y started x-ing him but then I had to take over later. Mike had a lot of turn overs which I thought contributed to the loss. One time he was dribbling at the three point line, the ball hit his foot and went out.

I talked to Canda for a while in the car park after, as she had just finished duty and earlier that day the verdict in one of my old matters came in. I wanted a quick chat because it was so late, but she just seemed to keep talking and talking.

Thursday
I skipped bball to go to the town meeting again. My dad wanted to come so I took him along. Sat at the same table, and recognised three others who sat there last time as well. I sat down next to the girl with short brown hair and started talking to her. She asked me what I did and I told her, and she told me she is doing her Honours in ecology, and she has a job when she finishes. She was kinda attractive, but her short hair makes her seem like a feminist.

Maybe it's just me, but I thought I detected a little bit of interest in her eyes. After the meeting she kidded me for putting my name tag sticker on the glass. I wondered if I should ask for her number as she seemed to hang around a bit before leaving. But I somehow didn't feel 'right' trying to pick up with my dad around. So I let her go.

Friday
We had a work lunch under the guise of 'business planning' We went to the Chinese restaurant near our office. As we were walking to our table, I saw Daniel and we shook hands. After sitting down, Mob pointed out some big names there, including WT who was with Ron Medich. I recognised a famous figure I'd seen on tv before, but couldn't put my finger on who it was. My guess is he was the head of the NRL. It felt like we had entered some sort of secret hide out for big names to come have lunch.

We spent all of about five minutes discussing our business plan and then just talked about other stuff while eating. I sat next to Wongy, and there was a seat in between me and Taryn, so I mainly spoke to Wongy. It was a bit hard to hear him at times as he speaks kinda softly.

We probably sat there for an hour and a half before going for drinks at the bar I went to the first time we had work drinks. I found Mob to be pretty cool, willing to hang out with us like that. I got to speak to her a bit, and she teased me in front of the group for always having my earphones on at work (listening to work material) and "not talking". Hmmm.

After a while I was thinking about my exit strategy. I wanted to get to Rebel to buy that thing that holds your phone and straps it to your arm, and I needed it before Saturday morning so I could test run it with Malay when we go for our jog.

I went to the toilet and thought I'd say goodbye when I came back out, only to have Ben announce he proposed last Friday and so he's now engaged. I pick the most awkward of times. I really do.

So Is at there for a while more as everyone gushed about the news. I have a feeling that that Gabby girl likes him, so not sure how she took it.

When Paul said he was going, I took that as an opportunity and said I'd go as well. So I left with him and Jen, and we parted near the office. There was still 15 minutes before Rebel closes, so I rushed there and with the assistance of a guy who works there, I bought a phone strap thing for $30.

Bush had called earlier during the work drinks and sent me a message saying Shadi was opening up his own firm, so I called her back when I was in JB Hi-fi looking for a blue-tooth for my PS3. I stood around the shop talking to her for a while, before buying it and walking back to the office. We talked about that for a while, and also my attempts at trying to find a girlfriend, and also got her to open up about her marriage. She mentioned some issues she was having, like her husband not spending enough time with her, and her not feeling like he is her best friend which is what she expected. And here I was thinking everything was good looking at the surface.

I changed in the office and then went to the gym.

Saturday
Went jogging with Malay in the morning, didn't do the hill this time as he had a sore heel, suspected from his new shoes. I can't believe that was our last training session before the real thing! Time passes so fast.

After that, I went to the courts, eager to try out my new training ladder, only to see it swarmed with netball players. I turned around and went back home.

I wanted to go for a massage and watch Wolverine, so I played Last of Us online for a while before heading out. I went to the massage place, and as I neared the place after parking, there was a guy in front of me walking rather slowly behind an old couple. I wondered for a bit as to whether he was walking slowly because he was going to the massage place as well, but I dismissed that proposal upon seeing him holding a large plastic bag. Then moments later, lo and behold, he went in!

So it was a bit awkward as I walked in right after him. I was told it'd be a 10 minute wait. Some white guy who was there already got shown a girl called Amy first, and he chose her. Then about five minutes later a girl called Nina or Lina was shown to the guy who was in front of me, and he chose her. She was pretty hot, and I wished I had gotten her. But the other girl looked like she was 40 years old, so I said I'd wait.

Five more minutes later, I was shown the next girl called Natasha. She looked tallish, but I reminded myself she was in heels. She didn't fit my bill exactly, but after seeing the 40 year old, I was just happy to have anyone younger than that. I think part of me was looking for an Erica look alike.

I waited in the room before she came in. She seemed to warm up as soon as I asked her how she was. We showered and talked quite a bit, so much in fact that I didn't even get a chance to look at her boobs. She said she was from Seoul and had been here for about four years. She said she studies childcare during the week and works here on the weekend for some extra money. She also said she was looking forward to travelling to Thailand later this year for a holiday, and said she has been to HK before to meet her ex-boyfriend, who was white American. Her English was a lot better than most girls who work in this job.

We continued talking even while I was lying down on the massage table. She said she does fujitsu, and seemed to have a very varied past and hobbies. She said my legs seemed inflexible, and I also got a cramp while she was massaging. I didn't say anything at first, but then she asked, and asked why I didn't say anything.

She told me a story of how a girl who works there 'lent' $20,000 to a Lebanese customer who said he could double it for her, only to (of course) never see the money or the guy again. She asked what she could do since I told her my job, and I said it wasn't a crime, and she should just take it as a life lesson. She said that was what she said to her friend as well.

After turning around, she went down on me for a bit, before taking the condom off and using her hand. She let me suck on her breasts, and even let me rub her between the legs as she stroked me. After a bit of that, she walked away and came back with some sort of lotion on her finger tips. She put it on my fingers and I kept rubbing her. Not sure why as she was already wet from before. Did she want me to insert my fingers in?

I got the feeling she may have considered doing more, as she came pretty close to putting me in before when she was on top, and now she looked like she was thinking about it. Probably going a bit too far for a first time customer. Also, earlier when I was on my tummy, she put my feet together and I said I felt like a fish. She laughed, saying I was funny and saying "yummy fish". And when I asked her about what days she works, she said "so you can come see me any time" then paused before adding "on the weekend".

The buzzer went and I hurried up, covering myself as I came. I told her I had to as it goes far, and she joked that it could land on my face, and also joked for me to open my mouth. I thought about saying something like that for her, but thought twice about it.

After I showered I said I was going to the run next weekend, she said she knew about it and has run 10km before. I left saying I'd see her next time.

Today
We played Red Wings today, which was an easy win as their center had some lung problems and only stood underneath their basket. After the game Alex, One, Jim and I sat outside talking for a bit, then it was just Jim and I left. He asked if I wanted to go eat, I said I didn't really feel like it (planned to see Wolverine) and then Kelvin came out and we talked for a while before Jim said he was going, so I left too.

I went home, shaved my head, had a shower, discovered there was a liquid leaking from my ceiling, having a nap before leaving to watch Wolverine. It was alright, very different to the last Wolverine. I think it was almost a different genre given it wasn't really about mutants. It was more like they inserted Wolverine into another 'real human' story.