The Erica options

I'm supposed to be meeting her for dinner tonight, so this post is a bit over due, as I wanted to get my thoughts down before I met her and possibly made a decision.

I've been thinking long and hard about this, and it seems like these are my options.

1. Run away - with excuses
Yes, this is the coward's way out, but it's a way out. I could say one of my relatives died, and I have to go back to HK for some time. She could message me, and I'd just say I was still in HK. Or I could even just say "this is not a good time" if she asks for the money.

2. Run away - no excuses
Just be upfront and say "I don't think this is going to work" and break up.

The problem with the above two options is, I then think about her returning to work, being forced to be with all those men she doesn't want to be with...and it'll be all my fault. I forced her back to prostitution. She'll have to endure extremely hard times because of me. Can I live with that?

I know one line of thinking is "she got herself into this mess, you have no obligation to help her", which is right, but then the law as to duty of care applies - if I offer to help, then I've created the duty to help, and cannot thereafter shirk from my duties. So this comes back to...why the fuck did you message her in the first place??!!?

3. Pay up 
I cannot afford $50,000...but my loan is for $40,000 and that is what I can afford to give her. So this option is to just pay up, albeit in instalments, as I don't want to withdraw bloody $40,000 from the bank in one go.

The downside to this is, of course, I'll have to repay a total of about $63,000 over the next seven years, which includes interest.

Thinking about this option, repaying the loan itself off is not so bad - IF it will get her out of the industry. Then if she breaks up with me, I can at least say I did some good in getting her out of her work. So the problem is not so much paying the loan back, but all the ongoing expenses of continuing this relationship - rent, living costs, going to friggin' Bali and Korea.

I've done some rough calculations and estimate I could still save $100 or $200 per week, depending on exactly how much the rent is, but I could only really keep it up until my contract expires in April 2014, and then either the dream comes to an end or we somehow manage to continue to survive.

What will really kill me is if somehow she gets my money and decides to return to work. That will really hurt. I mean, I wanted to get her out of this line of work, she takes my money and returns to it...what the hell. Especially when the reason she's giving me for the money is so she can stop working.

But then on Wednesday, as I was sitting in that CLE seminar, I looked at the ragged suit of the guy in front of me and compared it to my crispy black suit contrasted nicely and deliberately with my white shirt. I liked being able to afford things whenever I wanted. I imagined living with Erica, saving only $100 per week, and struggling to find some extra money if I needed a new shirt, or god help me, a new suit.

I enjoy having all my money to myself, and I am not sure how I will cope with the restrictions to be imposed on me. I also look around my house, and in particular the bathroom that is starting to become somewhat delapidated, and think about how my money could be used towards helping the family.

And then against that, I think about, how much longer do I have to live for my family instead of myself? Isn't it about time that I start living my own life, being independent? Or do I just be the good child and stay with and support my family until they...die?

I guess the silver lining (not sure if that's an appropriate term, but I felt like using it) in this option is I can only offer her $40,000 anyway. She might knock it back, then I can break it off and it'll be the end of all that.