Thursday comp: 0-1

One thing I forgot to mention in my last post is that early on in the game, some big guy got a steal and a fastbreak. He thought he had an easy lay-up but I chased up to him and managed to slap the ball away as he was going up. A foul was called, but if the referee had the benefit of tv reply and zooming in, I'm sure they'd change their minds.

But here's my point: I think I'm leading my team in terms of chase downs.

Monday night I went to the gym and bumped into Grizzly in the change room as he was getting ready to leave. He kept looking at my arms and commented three times on how much bigger I had gotten, and each time I just tried to change the subject, saying things like "yeah but I eat too much KFC".

I also went to the gym last night. Couldn't find my 11kgs weights for curls so I had to use the 12kgs, and still managed to do four sets of 20. I think this means I could do three sets of 10 with 15kgs.

I've been having lunch with Twish these past few days. On Monday and Tuesday we went to a mini food court, yesterday we had Macca's and today she had fish and chips and I had fried chicken from the same shop. It was funny because when it was approaching lunch time today, I was feeling like fish and chips, but didn't want to say anything because I kinda felt like going to lunch by myself. Then she suggested lunch in the office and said "you know what I really feel like? Fish and chips" and I was like "oh my god me too!"

Sometimes while we're eating and she's talking, I'd look at her and think, putting aside the smoking, whether I was just the male reflection of her traits which are turn-offs. Like, I'm not saying she's masculine, but she's not very feminine, what with her memorable chugging down of a large chicken schnitzel and her often loud demeanor. Just today, as we were walking, some old lady was slowly walking backwards out of a shop with a trolley, slightly bumping into Twish, and Twish was like "hey watch it lady". WTF???

Maybe, whatever traits she has that turns guys off, is the same thing I have that manages to turn girls off? I mean, if you go purely by physical appearance, she's not that bad. I remember on my first few days at work I thought she was pretty hot. And in the most humble of ways, I'd say that I'm not too bad physically - maybe that's why these women in the past (Darth Vader, CLE, nurse lady, and now the cute para) have shown interest in me without even knowing me first, but I am fairly sure that once I open my trap then it'd be game over.

DC and I went to conference a witness from a phone company this morning. Let me just say this, and please take my word for it- every single activity you perform on your phone is recordable. Let me say that again - EVERY SINGLE ACTIVITY YOU PERFORM ON YOUR PHONE IS RECORDABLE. I walked out of the conference feeling like chucking my phone away.

I hadn't seen the cute para these past few days because we've been in closed court and some computer dude was sitting in her place, although I did catch her come in quickly and sit in the public gallery once. Today she sat in the public gallery in the second half of the day. On one occasion my client called me over, and when I was walking back to my desk, I glanced at her and she looked back.

Now, because we know she isn't interested in the juror, she doesn't return his eye contact. So if she returns my eye contact, is that a sign of interest? Or can it also be a sign of disinterest? So you're damned if she does and you're damned if she doesn't?

I know, this reflects my insecurity. Or maybe it's the other way around - I'm insecure so I ask.

During a break I checked my email and saw that Ele had sent a group email about the swine flu asking us to take care, and then at the end saying something like "PS. Bobby are you still in Sydney?"

Part of me thought that maybe she was trying to show interest in him, which raised my jealousy bar just a little, but then I reminded myself that I was following Ryu's nomadic ways, told myself to walk away from all of that, and you know what? It made me feel so much better. It's good when you can tell yourself to walk away, because you leave all worries behind. You just stop caring.

Anyway, I basically zoomed out of work today because I had to rush home for bball. I got changed and drove out, got stuck in traffic a bit and was about five minutes late. As I was driving I kept thinking of things to focus on tonight, like boxing out, drawing the double team and passing it out. I really wanted to make a change this season. I want to be more of a leader and take control. I'm putting myself on the clock. I've led way too many failed seasons. If this was the NBA I would've been fired ages ago. So I'm putting my own mental pressure on myself to make this team perform.

I wasn't going to be their friend. I was going to be their captain.

Saw Dunnycan in the car park and we both walked in to see one of the court managers doing duty for us. We apologised and jumped on the bench. Apparently Fab was on the wrong court.

We've gone down a division, and I was expecting a relatively easy run to the playoffs, if not the title. But Dunnycan and I watched on as a bunch of high school kids played with tenacity, team work and hustle. I was shocked. Every single one of them was athletic, and what really showed was their discipline. I can honestly say that most of my team does not have discipline.

This was really my worst dream come true - being beaten by a bunch of high school kids. I watched as they hustled up and down the court, and tried to picture my 26 year old legs trying to stay with them. It was very hard to imagine. But Fab tried to put it into perspective - they were only playing good against a bad team. Possibly so.

We played the LIttle Johns. Starting five was me, Fat Pat, Mike, Abi and Marco. I deliberately chose the younger brother Marco over his older brother Geoff because Marco was more of a team player. I was hoping this would send Geoff a message.

They got off to a bit of a run before Abi sunk a three and I was fouled shooting a three. I hit two of the free throws. I thought we played alright D, but it took us, or me at least, the whole 20 minutes to figure out that their main guy was number 22.

In the second half I took him on as my assignment and assigned the rest of the guys to play box. I think I really took his spirit away because he couldn't be stuffed running, and I was doing a pretty good job of guarding him. At one point I even blocked him, and felt like doing what Ron Artest did against the Blazers after he barrelled himself in for a bucket and a foul - flexing my muscles to the crowd. I mean, here I was shutting down a guy almost a foot taller than me.

But they figured it out later and he tried to post up on me, and got two baskets that way.

We made a run and came within five, but just didn't seem to have the energy to top it off, and in the end we let go to an 11 point loss.

I took seven free throws tonight, which might be a personal record. On one foul I got bailed out so badly it wasn't funny. I drove it in to number 22, had absolutely nowhere to go and semi-flicked it up just before my feet touched the ground, and a foul was called.

Towards the end of the game we were doing a full court press and had one of their guards trapped. I smacked the ball away which most refs would've called a foul, and went in for a lay-up only to be hammered from behind by the guy I stole it from. I felt like saying something to him but changed my mind and just quietly walked to the line, missing both.

In the last seconds Mike had the ball and got himself stuck in a double team, and I called for it and airballed a three. He started bagging me after the game and we started jokingly bagging eachother. Maybe as the captain I shouldn't have done that.

As I was changing my shoes after the game, I sat Fat Pat just sitting there by himself. I knew what he was going through - another loss. I feared tonight that if we lost then Fat Pat would just give up altogether. That really was my main concern and reason tonight.

But then another part of me thinks, so what if he doesn't want to play? Let him go. I don't want him dragging everyone else down, and if he wants to move on then so be it. We'll just have to manage and adjust without him.

Fat Pat did say I should hit my free throws, which is a fair point. I shot 3/7 tonight, and even in practice I usually only shoot around 50-60%. For a guard that's pretty bad. For anyone it's pretty bad. That's something I'll need to work on. It's not so much of a technique thing. I think it's just a mental thing.

Sunday comp: 2-5

"If only I could turn back time"
-- Turn Back Time, Aqua

Man I did absolutely nothing today. I basically slept in the entire day, writing up the previous entry and bumming around on the internet. Although mentally I was ok for the game, physically I wasn't up to it.

A picked me up at 6 and off we went. I don't know how, but we manage to talk about the most random things. Like tonight we were just talking about flying on planes.

We got to the courts about 15 minutes before the game, and Fat Pat, Mike and Yunk were already there. I did my stretches and then Daniel arrived. It was good to see him and I think he was pretty happy to see us.

We played the Warriors. I didn't know that good point guard Richard was on their team! I saw him shooting around and then when he was still hanging around the court close to tip off I knew he was playing, and joked that I dreaded playing him. I think it's actually become a pretty good rivalry now, because at first he was guarding me man on man and I was doing the same, until he figured out that Daniel was the one to stop, not me.

We got off to a cold start, but managed to slowly crawl back into the game. I missed my first three, but hit my next field goal when I took the ball up and everyone just assumed I'd pass it, leaving the middle wide open for me to just walk in and shoot.

I really didn't play much of the first half, coming off at about 13:00 and going back on with four minutes to play. I sat on the bench and watched as A airballed a three, Mike constantly missing out on boxing out assignments, and Yunk just making rookie mistakes. I realised that it must've been terrifying for him, and that this was a steep learning curve, as he looked like a scared little kitten taking the ball up.

Daniel hit his long range threes which kept us in the game, and Fat Pat looked a little bit more confident.

At halftime we were leading 21-20. I emphasised during halftime that we had to box out. When a shot went up, if you weren't boxing out a player then you weren't doing your job. Sure enough, in the second half I watched as Mike slowly defended a shooter, and turned around only to watch the ball instead of boxing the shooter out.

We trailed by as much as nine, and then started making a slow run to catch up. At one stage, I was tagging along with Richard as he brought the ball up, and he ran behind a forward who was setting a screen. The forward stuck his bum out and I did a bit of acting by flailing my arms, and the referee called a foul. They were in the penalty, but because it was an offensive foul it shouldn't have been two shots. However, the ref was wrong and gave me two shots, and Richard kept arguing. I just silently walked towards the line and made 1/2. I think it was the first time anyone has ever seen any frustrations from me at the line. The missed shot was straight, but bounced on the back rim, front rim, back rim, front rim and looked like it was going to drop in, but just managed to flip out. I punched my left hand in frustration.

In crunch time, we were down 44-39 and I was pressing Richard as they were inbounding. They did a really shit over the head inbound pass, Richard fell down for whatever reason and I grabbed it. I took one dribble towards the basket and saw their big guy coming for the block, and I just floated it off the backboard.

44-41.

They scored a couple more baskets, and then Daniel made a miraculous three which put us down by three again. Again, I was up in Richard's face around the arch of the three point line as they were inbounding. And again they did a shitty inbound pass which went over both our heads, and with the seconds ticking down, I reached out to try to grab it.

I knew what to do - I'd grab it, spin around and shoot the three.

But the ball touched my fingertips and went out of bounds, and full time sounded.

Fail.

That loss really hurt. I knew it was a long shot, but it could've been it. I just sooo wish I could turn back time, because I know we can beat that team.

I don't know why, but as soon as the game finishes A just gets changed and stands around impatiently waiting for me to leave. I and the other guys like to sit around and talk about the game a bit.

In the car, all I could think of was how I could've caught that ball and launched a turn around three. It was so simple. I know if I had gotten my hands on it, my shot would've made the distance, because it was within range.

I just wish I could turn back time.

Which made me think: I guess we all want to turn back time at one stage or another of our lives. And maybe that's why gambling is so addictive - it gives you the chance to undo your mistakes. It doesn't matter how much you lose, you have the chance to make it all back. All one needs is hope.

But in real life, you don't get second chances. Sometimes you don't even get a chance. If you fail, you have to move on, preferably with your head held high. And that's what you have to learn in gambling.

I was also feeling a shortness of breath, as if my asthma was coming on. It just confirmed my feeling before court that I wasn't in good physical condition to play. Yet at the same time, I'm kinda proud that I got through the game with my asthma. I feel like I've been playing so long now that I can play with my eyes closed.

I came home and had a shower. I got that sensation I have had before where my vision goes funny because some parts are blinded out, like a camera flashed into my eyes, which is almost always followed by a headache. I seem to get this after basketball.

I watched a bit of So You Think You Can Dance while eating dinner. One of the guys who won to go into the next round was giving a thank you speech, and he thanked his girlfriend for supporting him throughout the whole journey.

It really made me think: who has ever supported me in my life? I have never, ever, had anyone support me in what I did. My parents don't care about my basketball, and they sure as hell didn't support me during my studies and work. What Asian parents do is not support; it's pushing. There's a difference.

And yet, here I find myself, all alone, having achieved whatever I have achieved. Is that an admirable feat? I mean, could I, or would I, have done more had I had support? Or is 'support' just some imaginary thing for weak people?

Shuing's birthday

So I met up with Malay at his bus stop last night. I find that he tries to finish off your sentences, but does a pretty crap job at it and just ends up repeating whatever last words were said. Maybe it's his way of bonding.

We caught the bus out to the city, walked past the meeting place inadvertently, checked out a new skills tester place and then went back to the cinemas where we saw everyone standing around. We were the last to show up even though we were initially on time and now only 10 minutes late.

Shuing, Bob, G, Gnat, Claire, Michael L, Brain, Scope and Michelle were all huddled in a circle. We were greeted by Shuing and then spent a short time talking to G and Gnat. Claire didn't say hi, but I think she just didn't know we had arrived.

As we walked down the street towards the restaurant, I walked with Brain, Scope and Malay whilst the others walked ahead. I thought maybe Claire was playing the ignoring card as well, but it was fine with me since I was doing the same.

We got separated on the way to the restaurant because Malay stopped to talk to some friends. So Brain, Scope and I stood nearby waiting for him while the others went ahead to the restaurant. As it turned out, Malay had somehow managed to get past us and was outside the restaurant waiting for us.

When we met up with Malay again, we went into the restaurant and I was just hoping that I wouldn't have to sit anywhere near Bobby. Luckily, I managed to get a seat next to G with Malay at one end of the table, and opposite Michael L and Claire. Pretty good.

It was only when I sat down that Claire said hi, which confirmed for me that she probably just didn't see me when I arrived. My ignoring plan lasted all of five minutes, because Michael L and her were apparently talking about our salsa class which brought me into the conversation. I joked that she was really good, and she teased me about hitting her head twice when I tried to spin her around.

Now that I had gotten into the mood, I decided to play the friendly card yet was adamant that I'd ignore any future messages or calls from her. In other words, I told myself to pretend to be friendly, yet keep her at a distance.

I found that we actually have more in common than I first thought. Like, she likes spam just as much as I do, and we both like putting it in with instant noodles.

I managed to ignore Bobby throughout the whole dinner, only really talking to Michelle and Shuing across the table.

It was a hot pot restaurant, and there were two hot pots to our table, with G, Claire, Michael L, Malay and I sharing one and the others having the other. At one stage I looked across and felt sorry for Brain that he had to sit next to Bob, now that I knew he also didn't like his "boastful ways" as Malay put it.

Michelle was once again playing mommy of the table, ordering, handing out food and pretty much being in charge of everything.

I was content with not talking to Claire too much, and instead using my time to talk to Malay about the hot girls who had entered the restaurant at the same time we did, and talking to G about random things.

There was one point wheere Claire wanted some photos taken, and she called me over to her side to join in the photo, but I just said no. I think I've figured by now that when she does something like that, it's not that she likes you, it's just that she wants to show whoever is out there that she has x many friends.

After dinner we went to check out the skills tester place Malay and I found before. Everything was $1, but what really made it addictive was that all machines had very good grip which would hold the toy all the way, but they always, ALWAYS, dropped it because the force of the claw going back up was too much.

Claire came up to me and asked me what I was going to get, and I asked her what she wanted, and she lightly grabbed my arm and walked towards a machine with monkeys in it. I put in a dollar and gave her a go, and like I said, she was close because the claw would pick it up, only to drop it back down when it reached the top. I then had a few attempts and gave up to play something else.

I didn't end up getting anything, but the other guys managed to get some small toys and gave it to Michelle and Claire. They then all played this game where you're supposed to throw rubber balls at the screen to aim for objects, but Malay and I kept wandering about trying to get more toys.

After that place we headed for bowling, because Shuing had booked it and said we couldn't be late. For some reason we walked the long way around the harbour, and stopped at a Macca's to get ice cream. While Shuing and some others were getting the ice cream, Michael L and I were outside just talking about how far we could jump up and down the stairs, and across the pillars on the water, with Claire, Brain and Scope around us.

I walked a bit with Claire as we headed to the bridge, and she asked me how Luna Park was, and I just told her we didn't end up going as they thought it was going to rain so they just decided to go to a pub.

As we passed a club, she pointed out that that was where Princess Mary met her Prince, and I got the feeling that she probably fantasised about something similar happening to her. I mean, I know all girls fantasise about it, but come on, you ≠ Princess Mary.

I ended up walking the whole bridge with her. Two note worthy things. First, I had been joking saying that I'd carry her because she kept complaining that she was tired, and then I said I was tired and asked if she'd carry me. She said no, and then asked if I was disappointed. I wasn't really, cause I wasn't expecting her to actually carry me, but I didn't know what to say so I just said yes, and she said "you shouldn't be". Not really sure what that meant, but I didn't think it was very nice. I kinda interpreted as her coming off as saying that she was too good for me so I shouldn't even hope for anything.

Second, I found her to be a bit rude in person as well, because she actually said she wanted to go home. I mean, Shuing was nice enough to invite you, and here we are in the middle of festivities and you say you want to go home. Great.

After a bit of a long trek we finally reached the bowling place, which looked more like a night club than an arena designed for family activities. Because there were so many people we had to split into two lanes. Michelle was once again being the control freak and had to assign everyone to teams. I think 'control freak' may be too neutral of a term for her, as she just pretty much put on her team everyone she wanted and everyone she didn't want on the other team.

She asked me what team I wanted, and seeing that Bob was already on her team I chose the other team. I also thought that she may have been smart enough to figure out that I may be going for Claire to place her on the same team as me, but again, she was too self-absorbed to do anything like that.

So her team had Bob, Shuing, Malay, Claire and Gnat, whereas my team had G, Brain, Scope and Michael L.

I saw Claire putting on her bowling shoes and laughed at how small her feet were. It was also at that time that I first realised she was wearing a short skirt with black stockings and high boots. I guess it had been so dark that it never really caught my eye. Kinda a bit trashy if you ask me.

I spent the opening moments sitting next to her as I was filming some of the bowls and did a mock interview with her about her two gutterballs, but then pretty much spent the rest of the night on the opposite side, wedged in between Scope and G.

I noticed Michael L was talking to her a lot, and had been throughout the night. As a guy, and keeping in mind Bobby's remark that Michael L actually had more of a dirty mind than he let on, I knew he was trying to hit on her in a very limited way. Of course it made me jealous a little bit, but to my surprise, my logic was able to control my emotions because of the following:

1. If anything happened between them, Eva would find out and they'd break up. Which is good, because I don't think he deserves someone like Eva anyway.

2. You don't really like her anyway.

3. I thought about the massage girl a lot. I found that it's my way of dealing with things. I will use one thing to distract or focus my energy on another. I've been doing it all my life - using my failure with girls as motivation in basketball; using my rejection letters to work my ass off in my old firm. It works.

4. She's just out to play with guys' minds anyway.

Given how much of a hold jealousy can have on me, I'm quite proud of how I just managed it.

Both Scope and Claire didn't pay for a second game, so Claire spent most of the latter part of the night sitting by herself at the end of the seats and I never approached her, which I'm proud of. I felt that Scope may have skipped the second game due to financial reasons, so I invited him to play with me as a team where I'd take first bowl and he'd get second, and we did pretty well together.

I had a pretty enjoyable night, and for one bowl I even put a ball on top of that rack that's supposed to help kids bowl and I used one of Gnat's toys to push it off, and it managed to knock down five pins, hehe.

After bowling we decided to call it a night, and I was glad because it was already like 1:30am or something. We all walked Claire back to her car which was a bit of a walk. Whilst walking on the main street, I was walking with her with Michael L on the other side, and she asked if I normally stay out this late. I joked "yeah, with different girls every night", and then Michael L said "he's a womaniser". Not sure if he meant that as a joke or if he half-meant it because I remember he once told Shuing and Bob that I seemed like a lady's man with Tracy and Ele with me at the cinemas.

As we neared the car park, I made a pretty funny joke about how they should have skills tester machines at the car park with parking tickets inside, and it made Claire laugh pretty loud. Pretty good eh, given how tired she was.

I guess the final confirmation for me came when we finally reached her car. As she was getting in, Shuing said loudly (and jokingly) "why are you parked in the disabled spot?". I looked down and indeed saw that she had parked in the space for disabled people.

WHAT KIND OF PERSON PARKS IN THE DISABLED SPOT???

Ok, that's it. I'm taking that as a factor towards her character. You can put a line through her name because that it's. I've always admired how Shuing can make decisions about girls based on rational and logical thinking as opposed to testosterone based decisions, like how he decided not to pursue Amy because she was too materialistic. And so now, albeit a bit late, I will follow in his footsteps and rule out Claire based on ration and logic.

To my disappointment everyone wanted to go eat at Hungry Jack's after that. Gnat was smart enough to duck off, even though half the people needed a lift from him. I had to stay because I needed a lift from G.

I also bumped into Phil2 at Hungry Jack's, and I think he still resents being kicked off the team.

Anyway, after eating some of the guys decided to go to Shuing's place. I was glad G didn't want to go, and so the people who weren't going were going in G's car. So Shuing, Bob, Brain and Scope had to wait for a taxi, while G gave me, Michelle, Malay and Michael L a lift home.

Mini-team dinner

Hiya.

On Friday morning I called up the medical centre near work, turns out you didn't need an appointment or anything. So my plan was just to rock up after work, since we only had a half day anyway.

Court was pretty normal. There was a bit more talk from my client and DC about how one of the jurors keeps eyeing the cute para. DC and I both agreed that although he was eyeing her, she wasn't reciprocating in the slightest. My client reckons otherwise. DC said he mentioned it to her once, and she said she knows, lol. That made me think - does she think/know that I'm eyeing her? And if so, is what she doing considered reciprocating?

Sometimes from her seat she'll look up in my direction, sometimes I'll look first, sometimes I'll look back. Sometimes it's just her work friends sitting behhind me (yes, at other times when she has looked I have made sure there was no one behind me). And sometimes, when I walk towards my client, she will always, I repeat ALWAYS, look at up me as I walk towards the dock. Sometimes I look back, sometimes I don't. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm playing the Mr Darcy card here, which will really only set me up to fail because I, and any other man, cannot live up to the imaginations of women.

During a break, I joked to DC about one of the police witnesses, about how he had left a bank job to join the police force, only to find himself sitting in front of a computer for 18 months watching videos most of which he couldn't understand, lol. Later the same witness corrected GS on a simple calculation in evidence, and I whispered to DC "yeah he used to work at a bank" and DC wrote a note saying something like "you're quite funny aren't you". Don't know what he meant by that, or the tone rather.

So anyway, we finished at about 12:30, and at about 1pm I left to go to the medical centre. I've never been to a medical centre before, but when I went in I gathered it was just like a one stop shop for all types of medical needs, whether it be for GP, dental, pathology or x-rays. I registered myself and then took a seat. There weren't many people there, maybe two families and two women.

I didn't have to wait long before I got called. It was a doctor of Indian appearance who saw me, he asked me what I was after and I said a blood test. He asked me what I was looking for, and I said STDs. I was expecting the questions to stop at this point, but he asked why, and I just said because I had met a girl, and he asked who she was (???).

Anyway, he said I needed to provide a urine sample as well, but it needed to be a first-thing-in-the-morning thing so I gotta do it on Monday morning and take it back. I was sent to the pathology area for the blood test. It was another waiting room with a family and a lady waiting. There was someone in the blood testing room, and the door was opened.

Damn, do they do this with the door open?

Then I saw a staff member just walk in and take something.

Dayum, so people can just walk in and out like that while they taking your blood??

The lady was next, and then the family left, and then it was me. This Caucasian lady took over from the Asian lady. I was hoping I'd get the Asian lady because this Caucasian lady looked a bit rough. Surprisingly the needle didn't hurt as much as I first thought, it was just like a sharp pinch. I, however, could not stand watching the blood fill the syringe, so I just looked away. When she had finished I saw she had two tubes full, and I didn't even know she had switched tubes or taken so much!

I walked out of the medical centre holding one of those urine sample bottles in a transparent plastic bag.

Hmmm...this ain't a very good look to be walking around with.

I went to Macca's to get some lunch, and then shoved the urine sample thing into the takeaway bag so no one could see it. I went back to the office and ate my lunch. I did some more work and then left at about 3:30pm to go home.

I drove my mom to do some grocery shopping, and then dropped her back home, and because I was short on time, I had to go straight away to meet up with Dunnycan, Mike, Fat Pat and his girlfriend for dinner.

I was sooo late because of the traffic, so when I got there they were all seated in the restaurant, although Dunnycan had been standing outside looking for me. Initially I felt a bit awkward that Janet was about, but then I forgot how sociable she was and later felt at ease. But not completely at ease, because I recall at one stage when I was talking, she was looking at me and leaned into Fat Pat to whisper something, as if she was saying something about me. Hmmm.

The dinner was good, Dunnycan told us some of his usual ghost stories, and Mike was his usual dumb self. Fat Pat was his quiet self. But I suppose the surprise of the night was when I found out Fat Pat wasn't going to play tomorrow.

Me: Hey Kim called me today, she asked if we wanted to play at 10.

Dunnycan: Huh? Fat Pat is playing with me tomorrow.

???

Then they told me that Fat Pat wasn't playing tomorrow, and instead, opting to play with Dunnycan and his friends in social basketball.

SOCIAL BASKETBALL.

I felt really humiliated at that point, and I dropped my head down under the facade that I was eating food. I also felt...I don't know.

Fat Pat said it was because we weren't going to make the playoffs anyway.

Sure, we're 2-4 and coming 8th out of 11 teams with 4 more games to go, but to give up now? To give up at all???

I was really disappointed that he was acting this way. With the Thursday comp, sure I didn't mind it too much, because we were never supposed to take it too seriously anyway. But our Sunday team, this was supposed to be for him. I mean, here I am, with a twisted ankle, and playing with a sore right hand the whole season trying to contribute as much as I can, and he decides to just give up in the middle of the season.

Far out. That hurts.

I wasn't expecting to do anything after dinner, but as we stood outside the restaurant waiting for Mike to get takeaway for his mom, Janet said she felt like ice cream. I said we could go for ice cream and then she kinda changed her mind. Then later Dunnycan was pondering what to do and she said he could go over to their house to watch some old movies. I don't know, I just get the feeling that I get distinguished from Dunnycan because I don't have a girlfriend.

Anyway, so we all split after that. Because it was a suburb I had never been to before, I had to follow the directions of my GPS which led me through some isolated, twisting and scenic roads. I enjoyed it in a strange way as it just made me feel more isolated and depressed. More...nomadic.

I decided to walk to the gym today. When I was close, I checked my phone which I had in my bag, and saw a message from Michelle. It was something like "I can see you :)" sent about 10 minutes ago. I was a little bit surprised in a happy way and figured she must've just been on a bus passing by.

When I got to the gym, just after I passed the entry gates, I heard a female voice rushing up towards me, "there you are! What are you doing here?". It was Michelle.

What am I doing here? What does it look like??

I was actually pretty happy to see her, until she told me that she was waiting for Bobs, at which time I just said I was going to go change and I'd see her back out here. After I changed, just as I was walking out of the change room I saw Bob.

Me: Hey man.

Bob: Yo.

I walked past Michelle and headed upstairs. I spent nearly my whole time in the weights area and didn't see them for a long time until Michelle started doing something close to the weights area.

Part of me felt it was awkward, but another part of me was saying "you do your thing and they do theirs, simple".

I was pretty sure that this occasion would be the one to reveal to Michelle, and subsequently everyone else, that Bob and I did not get along. But then I figured that Michelle was too self-absorbed to notice anything external to her, and would postulate that my behaviour was somehow directed at her.

When I had finished, I went to say goodbye to Michelle who was on the treadmill, and I saw Bob was on another treadmill two rows back. I've always wondered about the irony of people who drive to the gym just to use the treadmill...

After that I went looking for a fruit salad. The normal place was closed, so I tried the fruit market. I didn't find what I was looking for, but I did find that they sold Dr Pepper and 7 Up Cherry flavour!! Lol, how unique.

I bought a 7 Up Cherry flavour and two boxes of chocolates, and then went to get a haircut. It was the lady and her daughter there, as well as the other female employee. I got my hair cut by the other employee. As I sat there, I would sometimes look at the daughter. I've always thought she was ok looking, but knowing what her mom looks like made me think that she'd look exactly like that when she gets older, which for some unreasonable reason puts me slightly off.

Any hint of a fantasy came to an end when I realised that the guy waiting in line was her boyfriend, or someone very close to becoming her boyfriend. Oh well.

I got some KFC after that to go with my 7 Up, and it was yum, mmm.

And now, here I am at home, about to meet up with Malay for Shuing's birthday dinner.

STD

On the train home now. After work today I went to buy a replacement mobile internet USB thing, which cost $129. I also went to look for a pair of black pants, as I had damaged one of them, and today I ruined the other pair. At least now I know how it comes about - I walk too close to the corner of desks and my wallet sticks out when filled with coins, so sometimes I'll bump right into the corner which cuts through the material. Add the cost of pants and this month would've been a big waste of money. Don't forget I had to pay two parking infringements and that bloody $200 fine for not having a valid train ticket. God what a waste of money.

I had unprotected sex for the first time last night. After winning so much money I decided to go see her. It's unusual because I only really feel like going after I've lost money. Usually if I win it hits me harder how valuable money is, whereas if I lose I have that "eh, what's another $200". I didn't really go out of lust, but rather just sort of wanted to see her.

So anyway, I was getting a massage as usual, and then she gets underneath me and it eventually happened. Yes I was very conscious of what I was doing, and I don't think I was influenced too much by lust. At the time I made the decision, I felt like I didn't really care if I got AIDS or anything. I didn't feel like death would really affect the enjoyment of my life thus far.

And it's weird, because I thought my mindset would change afterwards, but it hasn't. If anything, it's sort of grown stronger. In the back of my mind today I was questioning where my life was really headed. I mean, I always grew up thinking that I'd be a family man, you know, be a nice guy, meet a decent girl, have her like me because I'm a nice guy, marry her, have a stable job, have two or three kids, and just be content to live out the rest of my life.

But reality hasn't unfolded like that. Instead, I haven't got a stable job, I'm an addicted gambler, I might be falling for the most inappropriate of girls, and I've been a major failure with girls. I really wonder where it all went wrong, but I guess that's another topic.

I mean, I just feel that, if I had AIDS right now, would it even really matter? I don't have anything to live for. I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have a wife, I don't have kids. I feel like my life is pointless, and I have no direction. I just don't seem to be afraid of death as I thought I'd be. My only concern is that I don't want to die leaving my credit card debt, but I guess that's a fairly minor thing in the big picture.

On another tangent, I wonder what are the odds of me contracting HIV/AIDS. I mean, she's a massage girl, so she's not even supposed to have sex with customers. I'm sure she doesn't do it with every customer, yet I think I'd be too naive to say that I was the first customer she did it with. Does she have AIDS? I remember she once told me she had to go on a three month holiday - I wonder if that was for health reasons. Why would you do it without a condom anyway? Did she trust me? Or maybe she had it anyway? But if she had it, why would she deliberately give it to me? It's not like I treat her bad or anything.

I guess I'll probably try to go get a blood test on the weekend. I know you're supposed to wait three months, but I want one now so I know I didn't give her anything.

I guess if I do end up contracting the disease, I would've lived a pretty bad life huh?

Visiting client's sister's home

First one to get to work today, so that felt pretty good. In the afternoon break, I had to go use the bathroom, so I went to the one on the same level as the courtroom which I don't normally use, and I opened the door to see one of the coppers there! It's not like a large bathroom with urinals and all that, it's just like a household one where only one person is supposed to be in it at a time, so I quickly closed it and apologised.

I stood outside waiting, thinking that it was really awkward, and as I stood there I saw the cute para standing near the courtroom door. I didn't have my glasses on, but it looked like we just looked at eachother for a while. I wasn't really in the mood for it after busting on some guy chucking a piss, so I looked away. When the guy came out he just joked "gee the lock on that doesn't work too good does it?"

After the break something funny happened. There was talk that we might finish a bit later than usual today, and so the judge said "I'm sure the jury doesn't mind", and the foreperson said "it's ok, but we do have one person who needs to get away", and then Twish quickly jumped out of her seat and leaned over me to joke to DC, in a loud whisper saying "discharge!".

Well she whispered a bit too loudly and a few jurors quickly turned their heads and looked at her. DC put his head down and I put my head down trying not to laugh but failing miserably. Ah fucking hell, she could've ruined the whole trial just like that.

After court DC and I went to our client's sister's home to give her a document. We had a bit of a chat with her. While DC was on the phone, she asked me how the case was going, and you know how when someone asks you that you just say good and all that, like when someone asks you how you are, you just say good or something positive without going into a great long whinge about every single problem in your life. So I said good and told her that we had a really fair jury, and then after DC's call, he says it's going bad! Fucking hell. I know he was just trying to scare her into helping us more, but surely a bit of diplomacy works better than scaring someone.

She also had three kids, all very young. Two of her girls were very very loud, trying to get our attention with their toys. I know I've always envisaged my life with kids, but I had actually never expected anything like this.

DC drove me home, and I went upstairs to drop off my bag and then drove out to the casino. I didn't have a good feeling about it. I knew I'd lose. Yet it was like my body was on auto-pilot as I drove out there. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I knew I wasn't liking it.

I picked an empty table which I don't usually do. On my first spin it landed on 29 and I won $300. I told myself to go, but somehow one spin just didn't seem enough. I kept playing and went down a bit, although never below my initial bankroll. When I had a $300 gain again, I refrained from betting for a few spins.

As I watched, it kept landing on the numbers I'd bet on. One spin, two spin, three spin, four spin.

Nah, there's no way it'll land on my numbers again.

Just have a go, if you lose, you go.

I bet you now it'll land on the numbers I don't bet on.

As I was placing the chips on the table, I had a few spare and I heard a guy call out zero as he gave his chips to the dealer, so I just randomly followed and placed my spare chips on zero.

I watched as the ball landed in zero, jumped out, and then dropped back into zero.

My hands were shaking at the amount of money. I had made a $650 gain. I cashed in and sat at a closed roulette table, counting and re-counting my chips even though I knew very well how much I had made. I wasn't going to bet again, but I just felt like I needed to sit there for a little while to make sure it was real.

I think I'm going to put $300 into my credit card, $100 into my car loan and $100 for spending.

The Way I Feel

On the train right now. Been meaning to blog about this because it's been on my mind a bit.

I'm going to Shuing's birthday dinner this Saturday. No doubt, I'd see Bobby and Claire there. Claire hasn't replied to my Luna Park invitation. I'm disappointed that she hasn't replied, yet I know better than to expect one. How do I plan to face her on Saturday? I thought about playing the 'act cozy around her but avoid contact with her when she's not around' card, but I think I'm just going to ignore her. By that I mean if I get seated next to her at dinner I'll just ask to change seats; if I get a toy in skills tester I'll just give it to Michelle; and I won't talk to her at all. She better not try to message me ever again because I'm going to be forced to ignore it.

I'm not really doing this out of spite, because I don't feel I like her enough to spite her. Rather, I just feel that it's rude to ignore people's calls and messages. I mean, who do you think you are? Really. I like to think of myself as a fair person - I will treat you how you treat me. So no complaints when I do to you what you do to me, yeah?

And with Bob, same thing, I'm just going to try to avoid him. I'm sure I can get through one night and then go nomadic again.

One thing I forgot to blog about was that last Friday, when I was writing up Michael D's client's information in a notebook on the train, I saw that he was born in 1984. Here's what went through my mind:

84, so that's just two years younger than me, which is 25. Wait, I'm not 27. Oh my god, I AM turning 27 this year!

I don't know how, but I always seem to forget my real age and just walk around thinking I'm like 25 or something. 27 sounds so old. I would really really want a stable job and just to find a girl to settle down with. I was willing to settle for second best with Claire, but I guess it's her loss. Maybe it's better for the long run that I don't go with someone who I feel is second best. I feel a little bit different with Ele, but just a little bit. I wonder if it could turn out to be like Nom's alleged story where we didn't like eachother from the beginning but yet managed to end up with eachother.

I also think about my upcoming birthday a lot. I've been thinking about these alternatives:
1) Spend the time by myself, maybe go to a desserted place and just think.
2) Ele and Tracy will call me and ask what I'm doing, I'll say nothing, they'll ask me to dinner and I'll just have dinner with them.
3) I'll organise a dinner inviting a small circle of Shuing, Ele, Tracy, G, Malay, with the notable exception of Bob, and then by that time everyone would've figured things out.
4) I'll do 4 but combine it with other circles of friends like Fat Pat and Bush.

Still undecided. Still a while to go.

I've also been thinking about the game last Sunday. I wonder if I should've gone for a T-Mac 13 in 35. I mean, to everyone watching I was red hot with threes, so why didn't I go for it? Initially I thought it was because I feared failure, but I don't think it is. What I fear is reprisal and alienation from my team for being selfish. I'm still trying very hard to find the right balance between being offensively productive for the team and coming off as selfish.

First day back

Yesterday we had no court, so it was like another day off. I wasn't expecting to see anyone at the office, so just went in my jeans and that Industrie sloppy joe I have. To my surprise, not long after I arrived, SB came in and did some work. An even bigger surprise came later.

Someone knocked on the door, and I went to open it. SB said it was probably for her, but I had already walked to the door so I opened it. It was that cute para and her friend! I was so shocked! I mean, I hadn't combed my hair or shaved or anything. If I was drinking at that moment I would've spat out whatever was in my mouth. I smiled and dryly said good morning before SB came to the door and received whatever they were giving to her.

I wonder what she thought of me in my casual attire.

I also went to the gym during lunch.

Last night I got jipped at an ATM. I saw there was a piece of paper stuck in the dispenser part but ignored it, and it turned out that that was jamming the cash. So after a few machine noises, it gave up on dispensing the cash and the screen looked like it assumed I had taken the cash! So I called up the ATM company and they confirmed that the machine recorded a mistake and asked me to call up my credit card company, so I did and they said they'd do an investigation.

I also stayed up to watch the Hawks-Heat game. As exciting as it was to watch my first NBA game in yonks, I was disappointed that it was such a thrashing. Watching the big guys made me wish that Mike played like that.

Today we resumed court, and like Twish said, it was like the first day back at school. Everyone was so happy to see eachother yet somehow annoyed that they had to come back.

We had a building evacuation during lunch, and so everyone stood outside the front of the building while the firemen did whatever they had to do. I think I saw Nom, but avoided finding out just in case it was her. The cute para also arrived. I think if I was bold enough that would've been the perfect opportunity to walk up and talk to her. Of course, I didn't have the guts to. Mainly because I thought it'd be too weird and obvious for me to strike up a conversation with someone from the other side out of the blue.

After work I saw Kate at the train station talking to the lady from the other side, and decided to avoid them as I felt sleepy and wanted to be alone. I got home and found out that NBA 360 was on, so I quickly went across the road to buy a pack of chips and returned to chomp on it as I watched.

After that I went to the gym. As I was reversing my car out of the driveway, I was waiting for the traffic to stop so I could reverse onto the road, and there was a girl walking by, and for some reason she just smiled at me. And then when I was walking from the car park to the gym, some girl walked past me, turned around and smiled.

...

After gym I went to get some meat for packing my sandwiches, and then drove out to the petrol station near the casino to get some fuel. Don't worry, I had no intentions of going to the casino - I was wearing my bball shorts anyway.

I went to this one because the petrol is super cheap, and so naturally there were a lot of cars there. I had to wait in line, and waited behind this Asian dude who was filling up at the bowser. He was reversing his car at an angle, and I was wondering why until he got out - he needed to stretch the pump to the other side of his car, so he was trying to edge the tank closer to the bowser.

Only problem with this was that his car was then blocking my way if I wanted to move into the spot ahead of him. Sure enough, the car in front of him had finished and drove off, and I had to wait for this fucktard to finish just because he was selfish enough to block my way. He knew what he had done - he kept looking at me and looking back as he went to pay for it.

Sunday comp: 2-4

Got a reply back from Claire:

Claire @ 11:43 - Haha you can still Go there next year :) So what did you do on the break? Yes I;n finE Now just finished my mid :)

I replied with:

Me @ @ 12:46 - Just released more criminals back into society ;) How did you go?

She came back with:

Claire @ 15:02 - Did you have fun?Its all right. But i Rushed. Too many calculations.

I wasn't really in the mood to start a whole lengthy conversation by messaging, so thought up a way to end it. I was also in the "I don't really care anymore" mood, so I just gave it a shot. If it has a positive effect on her, then good. If not, then who cares.

Me @ 15:16 - Yeah, but it's not as fun as going out with you though :p

I picked up A for bball and on the way I just suddenly came up with all these things I could talk about with him. It was like I was having a writer's rush. Some of the things I thought of were:
- that homeless guy who always rode his bike around
- my recent HDTV purchase
- NBA playoffs

Anyway, we got there at 5pm to do duty. It's good doing duty with him, cause he's really careful so it's unlikely he'll make a mistake, and he always confirms throughout the game whether our scores match. It was a close game, and that idiot who shouldered me on screens got ejected in the last minutes for starting something.

We played the team with Steven today. This is one of those games that has such a historial spin on it. Steven is the older brother of Min, who was in my year in high school and went to Korea to play professional basketball. We also played on the same team for a season (or two?) and won the championship. That was back when I was really shit, when all I'd do is pass it every time I got the ball.

It was just me, A, Fat Pat, Mike and Fat Pat's friend Kevin. To be honest I didn't really feel like playing. Mentally I wasn't in the mood, I have a feeling gambling may have sucked up my thirst for this game. Also, I was feeling bloated.

They got off to a 12-0 start and I called time out. We started our scoring with a Fat Pat and1, and then I hit a three. I realised during the game that they had the really good point guard who used to play for that red team with the big black guy. That kinda motivated me a bit more.

Maybe it was just me, but I felt a bit of rivalry between us. On a Fat Pat screen, he fought past it and I elbowed him in the stomach - something the refs didn't see. Also, he was on a fast break and I decided to jump in front of him and create a human wall with my arms out-stretched towards the sky. He missed the shot and fell down and looked pretty angry.

And then I hit a couple of threes in his face which added to the whole thing. We made a pretty good run towards the end of the game, coming as close as 13 points with momentum on our side. Everyone was feeling that I was hot, so everytime I had the ball they all yelled out "shooter!". A also hit two miraculous (and ill-advised) threes.

I felt bad for Fat Pat because he seemed to be in that really down mood that he gets in when he knows we're gonna lose. I thought I would help by giving him the ball more, until I realised that I might be able to better help if I actually stepped up and started scoring.

Right at the end of the game, I was running the ball up really fast, and quickly stopped but in the process twisted my ankle. It was just a minor twist, but enough to make me hobble a little bit.

Hmmm I wonder if we'll make the playoffs.

On the drive back, A was talking about his company's GM, and how he has all these quotes. One of these was "in the long term we'll all be dead". In other words, there isn't much point in planning things too far ahead. He also had another one which was "sometimes the best decision is making one".

And I just messaged Claire asking if she'd like to go to the amusement park with my uni friends this Friday.

A week off court

Hi. Can't believe I haven't had much time to blog, nothing much has happened, guess I'm just lazy.

On Tuesday I had the perfect working day. We didn't have court at all this past week so I've just had the whole office to myself, and going to the gym during lunch. Tuesday and Wednesday were basically identical, where I got to work, stayed till 1pm, went to gym, came back at 2pm, then worked till the afternoon and went home. The only downside is that I'm all by myself with DC's chocolates, so I couldn't help myself but grab one everytime I got bored and nibbled on it as I worked.

On Wednesday I finally watched that Lawrence Leung show that DC kept telling me to watch. Haha that guy is hilarious. I loved the bit where he's about to go sky diving so he gives his mum a call.

Lawrence: I love you mum.
Mum: Then be a doctor.

Haha, typical Asians.

Oh and the other thing was, I actually managed to spend zero, yes ZERO, dollars on Tuesday and Wednesday! I had brought my own lunch and resisted buying anything at all after work.

On Thursday I went to the office in the morning, then headed out to the city to meet GS and DC for a conference with the other side. We met at a coffee shop below the conference location, and just talked about the case for a bit before DY and SM arrived. They were talking and GS put his book down which inadvertently blew a piece of serviette paper up and all the crumbs on it landed on my suit. GS didn't realise, but DY saw it and she was like "did I do that?" and I just just like "no, GS did" and GS asked what he did and I didn't say anything.

The Crown's office is soooooo nice! It's like the typical corporate office you see in movies and that, but the only difference is that it has no flavour at all. It's all just white. Probably because it's a government organisation.

It was the first time I got to really watch RM outside of court. He has these piercing blue eyes, which I'm sure must've helped him get many girls when he was younger. I think that he and GS are very similar - they can get their point across subtlely, without showing aggression or being rude. I wonder what it'd be like to work with him. The other silk, GB, is quite a flashy dresser. He was wearing a white and purple striped shirt with purple gem cufflinks. I can still really see no point in those - why would you rip out the buttons and replace it with something you have to pay so much more for?

On Friday I had to do a matter for Michael D in court. It was more than a mention this time, as the matter finally progressed. I must admit I was pretty nervous, as I hadn't done this in a while, so I had forgotten how it was supposed to go exactly. I even asked Michael D for help the night before when he called me, I said that I hadn't done it for a while and asked him how it was supposed to go, and he just walked me through it.

As I waited in court with my client, I saw Bush walk in and I made a 'clicking' sound with my teeth and she turned around and said hello. When she was leaving she asked if I was up for a coffee but I said I had to go to the jails. Anyway, I watched as the judge went off at one of the lawyers and the other side for something, and figured out that he had a short temper. However, when I stood up, I could've sworn I saw the smallest of smiles flash across his face.

My matter went without problems, and I kept waiting for him to ask me something I didn't know, which never happened. I was so relieved to send the client off and be by myself again.

I caught the train back to the office, picked up something for GS, quickly checked and replied to my emails, and then caught the bus to the jails where I met up with DC. Nothing much happened in the conference, although bit by bit I think we're beginning to see our client come around. In other words, he seems to be realising how stupid he had been to hang out with this group of people.

After the conference I got a lift off DC back to the city, where I dropped off the folder of transcripts for GS. To be honest, I had intented to go home and then go to the casino to watch a bit, but once I got home I was just so tired I couldn't be bothered going back out again. For the first time in a long time, I stayed home on a Friday night. And I liked it.

Yesterday morning I went to the courts for a quick shoot around where I worked on a couple of moves I saw from NBA 360. After that I went home and changed to meet Thai for the beach. I met him and his wife at the bus stop. I kept thinking that it'd be awkward because we'd have nothing to talk about, but it ended up being ok as we just talked about anything and made jokes about it.

We caught the bus out to the city where we waited for Brain. We were supposed to meet Malay there too, but he called and told us he'd meet us at the beach. Not a good sign.

We caught the bus to the beach and it was sooo cold and windy. We found a nice spot near the life guards where we set up, and after a bit of lying around Brain and I went into the water. It was so friggin' cold at first, but later we found it to be warmer in the water than on the sand. I haven't swam for a while, and nothing much has changed, but one thing I forgot to account for was how salty the water would be. I could taste so much of it, and it made my eyes sting and my nose started running like hell. I was beginning to think I was going to get a cold. I spent most of my time trying to get to the big waves, only to be washed back every now and then. I made so much porgress but I always ended back up at the same spot. I told Brain that I'd be fucked if this was a triathlon.

I was beginning to feel a sore throat come on but I told myself I'd go for one more wave but it was kinda addictive to just keep going on and on. Finally Brain and I left the waters when he got a cramp, and when we got back to our spot Thai said he wanted to go home. He looked pretty tired. Needless to say, Malay never made it.

So we caught the bus back home, I had a shower and changed, went out to the city to look for a new strap for my laptop carry bag since my one had broken. I went to the markets, and pretty much realised that I would never find a strap by itself for sale, so started looking for bags, but couldn't find any good ones. I then went to JB Hi-Fi where I got my one from, but didn't buy any because they were so expensive. I wasn't going to pay another $90 for the same one which broke. I saw one for $50 which seemed ok, but I somehow told myself that that was even too expensive. It's funny - you won't spend $50 on a bag but you'd wouldn't think twice about putting $100 on a single spin.

After a fruitless journey in the city I decided to go home, where I washed a small stain off my car and polished it a bit. I also received a message from Claire. I wonder if she's realised that I deleted her off my fb. I don't know what to think or how to feel really, because I had sort of gotten over her. But, as askmen and the law of attraction dictates, once you stop caring is when they start caring. Once I fucked off the radar she probably started wondering where the hell I went.

*sigh* Why can't these things just be simple and straight forward? Why do games have to be played? Anyway, the message was:

Claire @ 14:10 - Hi Toey! Haven't heard from you for a while. Just wondering how you ve been? How's your Easter?

I suppose I'd have to give her some credit for doing that. I remember in one of her old blog entries she said she was stubborn - she knew she should call or message the guy, but refused to do so.

Anyway, replying to that on the same day didn't even cross my mind. I knew it was out of the question. SO I just let it go and went to bed early.

I also watched a wildlife documentary. It was about Bisons. There was this bit that showed a baby deer had gotten lost and was being stalked by a pack of wolves. The deer found a herd of Bisons and tried to seek protection from them. Two noteworthy things:

1) The deer is also prey for the Bisons, yet the deer chose them over the wolves; and
2) the Bisons kept knocking the deer out of the herd because they didn't want the attention of the wolves

So after a few kicks and headbutts, the deer was forced out of the group and eventually eaten by the wolves. It's kinda heart wrenching to watch it just sit down and give up. Imagine if some animals just started eating you whilst you're still alive. God that's awful. I felt like getting a gun and shooting the wolves. Yes I know, that'd alter the survival of other animals and nature's course, but I felt like doing it.

Kinda also made me think about how cold this world can be. It's a good reminder that our world is still one where it's the survival of the fittest, and that everyone is only on the lookout for themselves. Kill or be killed.

Today I woke up and went to the casino. I can't help it, it's like a drug that's conquered my brain. It wakes me up. It has this control over me. I sent a reply back to Claire before I went, which went as follows:

Me @ 7:45 - Hey Claire, I'm well thanks, just disappointed I didn't get to go to the eastershow. How have you been? Still got the cold?

I ended up winning most of my recent losses back, so that's a good thing. That Taiwanese guy was there again. It looked like he was raking it in. Not sure if he's chasing his losses or if he's actaully making gains, but I've actually copied the way he bets. He has found a way to bet 16 numbers in a row and just piles chips all over those 16 numbers, so he just hopes for the ball to land in that zone.

And now I'm in my car whilst my mom is doing the grocery shopping.

The Uninvited

Last night I went to watch The Uninvited. I had a really big craving for popcorn so it seemed like the most appropriate thing to do. While I was waiting around for the people to clean out the cinema, Shuing called me, and as expected, asked me what had been up with not hanging out with them lately. So it appears that Bob hasn't told them, and I bet when they discussed it he just pretended he didn't know, what a dickhead.

Anyway, I just said I had been busy because of work, which he seemed to buy - for now. Don't know how much longer I can keep this up. Michael L's birthday and Shuing's birthday are both in the coming week. Guess I'll just have to make an obligatory appearance and not talk to Bob.

I was talking to Tracy on MSN the other day and she asked me what I was doing for my birthday. Don't know why she asked that since it's still a while away, but I hope it just passes without anyone noticing.

Anyway, the movie was great. The twist was not original, but it wasn't expected either. It made me want to go over the whole movie again to make sense of it. I think it's the only horror film where guys are invited to think of a lesbian threesome amongst the co-stars. As a mental sub-plot throughout the movie, I couldn't decide which one of the three main actresses was the hottest one.

But hmmm, I'm still trying to figure out why the movie is called 'The Uninvited'.

This morning I went for a one mile run again. I left at 10:01 and finished at...10:08!!! Seven minutes!!! Well technically seven-something minutes, but it's not my fault my phone didn't have a stop watch. Kinda sad how my best time ever will go down in history without the seconds. I felt like I was going faster than normal at first, and then when I started the last stretch, I checked the time.

10:07. Great, it feels like I'm running so much faster yet I'm still going to only make it to the eight minute mark. I must've under-estimated it from the last time I did it.

Wait a fucking minute. I started at 10:01. Now is only six minutes. You can still make seven minutes!!!

And with that, I pushed myself to the bus stop which marked the mile. I conjured up all the anger that had accumulated from losing at the casino and propelled myself forward. Not a long-term motivation strategy, but it had to do for now.

I wanted to go for a shoot around, but it was kinda gloomy and I wanted to rest my wrist, which hasn't bothered me for a while now. I decided to walk to the gym, and when I got to the shopping centre I bumped into Kate who was buying bread. She looked like she wasn't in the mood for talking, so I quickly excused myself and left.

After gym I went home, changed and headed out with the car looking to buy a set top box so I could watch some NBA games after my failed attempt at the HDTV USB thing. A told me it was $30 at Bing Lee so I went there, only to find the cheapest one at $70. I had walked in with the intention of bargaining with them, willing to pay at most $50, but I seriously doubted they'd go from $70 to $30, so I left. I checked out Dick Smith's upstairs, which was even more expensive (nothing under $100).

I decided to drive to the shopping centre near me, and checked out the Dick Smith's there, which had the cheapest one at $60. I then checked out K-Mart which had one for $50 but it was the display one which they couldn't sell. I then went to Target and couldn't find a suitable one, then decided my last option would be Big W, and if they didn't have it I'd just go back to Dick Smith's at $60.

At Big W I managed to find one for $40!! I also bought a pack of chips, some popper drinks to take to work, and a can of spray thing you use on your tyres to make them shiny.

I was pretty excited with my purchases, and decided to try the spray thing on my car in the car park, even though it was raining. I didn't know it came out as foam, so my car looked pretty strange with one wheel covered in foam as I drove off, lol. I'm sure the rain washed it all off almost immediately anyway.

Upon arriving home I started setting up the set top box, and got it working after some struggle, but now it can't work with the DVD player at the same time, grrrr.

Nomadic ways

I forgot to say that on Friday I went for a one mile run. I also found out that my phone doesn't have a stop watch, so I had to just use the normal clock, which doesn't display seconds. I left at 8:33 and finished at 8:41. Hmmm, same as when I last did it.

Yesterday I went to the gym and had quite a work out. I did almost every exercise I knew of, and by the end I was prety exhausted. I realised I hadn't eaten all day, so I had some sushi for lunch in the shopping centre. I tried to look for some swimming shorts but apparently my memory of nearby surf shops is way out-dated.

I went home, picked up my mom and drove her to do some groceyr shopping. While she was at it I went and checked out the shopping centre and bought a loaf of bread from Aldi. I saw that prosecutor who I'd see sometimes in my old job. I always wondered how old he was. He looks half Asian, and has a baby face but his full beard gives him a more mature look. He was with his kid and pregnant wife, so I assume he's older than me.

I also bought some swimming shorts, which were going for $40, and I found out they were buy one get one free!

Today I went for a one mile run again, and had to really push it towards the end just to make sure I finished within the eight minute mark.

About yesterday's post in relations to Ryu, I guess what I was trying to say is that I wanted to live the 'nomadic ways' of Ryu. I was curious enough yesterday to google him a bit, and that was the perfect description I found on Capcom's website.

I guess I can also relate to my client now when he says that he had been contemplating leaving his group of friends because all they did was hang out and go to barbeques. I just felt that it started to get boring hanging out with the guys, how every Friday night we'd try to find a different place to eat and then ponder forever as to what activites to do afterwards.

Also, that day at the beach, Shuing was actually trying to call me and messaged me inviting me to poker at G's place. I knew this was one of those 'meetings' they had long discussions about before organising. It's funny how when you leave a group of friends, they do stuff thinking you don't know what it's about but you actually do because you were part of them when it happened to someone else.

I turned them down, and Malay said something I really appreciated: "I'll go if you go, but not going if you don't go". I don't want people to take sides or anything, hence why I'm even trying to stop hanging out with Shuing and G, so they can remain with Bob, but it's good to see Malay say something like that.

The only thing I'm uncertain about now is whether Bob has told them about why I've left. If he hasn't, then they'll probably just say I'm gone weird or something, like how they described Indo and Gnat. If he has, I hope they blame him. I don't think he has though, because Michelle is still asking me what is up. Wish she'd leave me alone.

Thursday comp: 2-16-1

Hi.

I just came back from the courts. I had planned to do some sprints and jump roping, but as I was warming up some dude named Ian asked me to play two on two. One guy was called Jimmy and I forgot the other guy's name. They weren't that good, they looked like they just played socially, but I thought I'd just use it as a chance to get warm and work on my shot.

I tried to hype myself up mentally into an aggressive mood and go black mamba on them, but I still passed it quite a bit, although I did socre when we needed to, and won both games on my shots.

Ian got tired after that, don't know why you'd ask someone to join you and then quit. I went to another court to shoot around and run fast breaks. There were a few drops of rain, but it never got more than that.

Earlier, I had been to the casino and lost $600. I was up by $100 at first and then just slowly lost after that. My table became crowded as this Taiwanese guy kept betting $25 chips everywhere. Soon, another regular which he knew came along, saying he had half an hour and that afterwards he'd have to change into a suit and see a client.

He lost a few hundred dollars almost instantly, and then headed off. He came back in a few minutes, saying his client had called and that she'd be late. Hmmm. He gambled some more, and they won a lot of spins. The guy who said he'd have to work was up by about a few thousand. The inevitable happened, and he lost it all back. I guess in comparison, I shouldn't feel as shitty as him.

But as I gambled, I felt like I wanted to cry right there and then. I was hating myself as I stood there. But why was I there? Why was I being someone I didn't want to be? Why was I doing something I didn't want to do? I felt so, so dirty afterwards.

I know it's worth nothing now, but I had decided earlier that that would be my last time. I'll be compensated a little by the stimulus package, and that was really my own justification for going at all today.

We'll see how I go.

Because of the super-duber long weekend, yesterday I went to the beach with Malay and Brain. I met with Malay first at his bus stop and we caught the bus there together. He asked me why I didn't want to hang out with Bobby anymore, apparently he didn't get my email, and so I told him. He said Bob has gotten into an argument with everyone.

Anyway, Brain was late because he was trying to wake Scope up, so Malay and I went to Macca's for breakfast. Brain joined us and then we walked over to the beach together.

I told them I hadn't been to the beach for ages, but I believe the last time I went was when I took leave from work and went there to recover from the Emilee thing.

I didn't have swimming shorts on, so I could only go knee deep into the water, while they went out to the big waves. I walked along the beach and back, and by then they came back to the sand. We returned to our spot and pretty much spent the remainder of the day sitting around. For me at least, I spent my time trying to bury Malay's legs in the sand.

There was this girl walking around selling ice blocks, and we contemplated for a long time as to whether we should get some. Finally I said I'd go get my wallet from the locker, and when I came back, sure enough, she was nowhere to be seen. I even went for a jog, I left my money there and returned to put my wallet in the locker, and still she never came. We did not end up having ice blocks that day.

We packed our stuff up in the afternoon and then went to a fish and chips shop nearby to eat. We decided that we'd go home to change and then head out to the movies. But on the bus trip back Malay and I were so tired, that by the time I got home I called it off because I wanted some rest.

Library guy called me, which reminded me that I had semi-promised to meet up with John last night. I thought he was calling me about that, but he called to say he had picked up some new clients, the ones that made the paper a couple of days ago about the huge drug bust. He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink, and because I hadn't seen him for so long I said yes.

So I drove out to meet him and we went to a pub where I shouted him a beer and I got a coke. We talked mainly about work related stuff, and then he wanted to go whoring, but the place he thought was a whoring place actually wasn't, so that was the end of that.

On Thursday it was our last day of court before the break. We only sat for half a day. My para experience that day was when I was leaving the courtroom, she was standing in the doorway, and I stood aside to let her in saying "after you" and she smiled and said she wasn't going in.

I stayed back a bit to get some work done, then went home and got ready for bball. Dunnycan made a surprising visit. We played that #@%! team, which I thought was beatable. We were in it in the first half, down by only nine at half time. I scored four early points and heard a girl cheer.

Great, now we're getting sympathy cheers.

I looked over and it was Fab's girlfriend, so I was wrong.

We got flogged in the second half, and I went very quiet in terms of scoring. I did make a few defensive plays. Sometimes it's the simplest of things. Like this guy got a fastbreak and I was in front of him running back. He tried to do that thing where he goes to my right, goes to my left, goes to my right and so on, and as I was running I spun around to face him so he couldn't do it, which made him lose the ball. I remember I'm always shouting at Mike to turn around when he's running back but he never does.

And then the same guy had a fastbreak later on, and I just wildly jumped out in front of him as he went up, causing him to miss the lay-up. Then again, the same guy (yes, he has the ball a lot) started doing some fancy dribbling and I just got in his face and he lost it.

As the clock wound down I hit a flukey three which banked off the glass.

I drove Mike home and found out that his dog was actually blind. Geez, that makes swinging him even worse.

As I drove back, I was somewhat relieved that this season was over. It was like I never realised what a toll a season can have on you. It wasn't just the losing, it was also the length of the season. I felt glad to be able to take a break from it. I also thought about what it'd be like on the day I finally call it quits. When would that day be? How would I feel knowing that I had played my last game? How would I feel knowing that I'd never play another game again? Would it even be my choice? I mean, would an injury be my way to go out?

On Wednesday, I had lunch with Twish. I find that she talks a lot. Even for a girl. It just never stops. She asked me if I was doing anything over the break, and I said I had planned to go to the easter show. She told me how she hadn't been in a long time and really wanted to go. I wonder if she was hinting for me to ask her.

After work, I went to that massage place and saw the girl (Emily) which one might call my regular. She asked me what I was doing on Sunday, and told me that she had to pick up a friend at the airport. I wonder if she was hinting for me to drive her there.

Gee, that's a big call, to see someone like that outside of 'work'. I don't think it can ever have a happy ending.

Anyway, as things stand now, I won't be going to the easter show with them on Sunday. I don't think Bobby is going, because Linda is going, but I've already cancelled so I don't want to be seen as a liar and turn up. Besides, Claire will be there and I don't really want to see her.

I've decided to just chuck a Ryu on everyone. I want to focus on basketball and work. I don't want to be distracted and waste time with hanging out too much with friends. I want to be like Ryu - walk the lonely path, be the "wandering warrior".

However, one might also ask: do I have the capacity to be the Evil Ryu?

The community seminar

I got to the office pretty early yesterday. I sent an email to the guy from LA and he replied, adding a thank you to Michael D and myself for our hard work. I forwarded the reply to DC and GS, and DC comes in saying “what the fuck about me? What about the work I’ve done?” Sometimes I feel that underneath his gregarious sense of humour and his sociability, there lies a blanket of insecurity about his own work performance. Personally I think he’s fine as a barista.

When court broke for lunch, almost everyone zoomed out of the courtroom, except the other side who were trying to hand things out to us, and only GS and I were there. The cute para and her friend were handing things out. GS said something, and then her friend said something about how everybody had left. I was standing up at my table packing things up, when I looked up to say “we’re here”. As soon as I looked up, the cute para, who was standing in front of me but a bar table away, smiled at me. It was as if she was waiting for me to look up. Far out, how can her reaction be so quick.

After work I met up with Kylie and Shadi for a public forum on sentencing. Bush was supposed to come, she was the one who told us about it, but she bailed saying she had to prepare for her husband’s birthday the next day. Anyway, I went with them for an early dinner at a Thai restaurant, and they were telling me about how hard it was working for the other side. They made it sound like they weren’t enjoying it at all. I wonder if they’re just being weak, or if it really is that bad. I mean, after all, they weren’t exactly the hardest working people at uni.

After dinner we headed over to the public forum. We looked around for people we may have recognised, and Kylie spotted her cousin. We stood around them talking, and it was like an awkward 20 minutes where Shadi and I would walk to the coffee table and back before she introduced him to us. Even then, he kinda snubbed us. I saw that girl from the other side who I was up against once when I was doing the list. Shadi didn’t recognise her, so maybe she’s changed jobs since then. She’s kinda pretty in that sensible, conservative way. I wonder if she’d go for me.

There were maybe about 30-40 people altogether who attended. I thought it was just going to be some crappy talk, but it actually turned out to be better than expected. I wasn’t very impressed with the State AG at first, as he just read his talk off the paper. I remember thinking, when he thanking us for attending, “why do you need to read a thank you line?”

The other speakers were a lot better, as they used slide show presentations and just talked, instead of read. One of them worked as a representative for victims, and I thought he was really fair. Even though he sympathised with victims, he understood that you couldn’t impose one’s prejudices and values on another. As an example, he said that even though he thought four years for the guy who shot his friend wasn’t enough, he couldn’t go around saying that every other murderer should get more than four years, or that some people might think four years was sufficient.

The last guy was pretty interesting too, he was from the jails. I just felt bad for him because I think by then everyone was tired.

The best bit came during question time. This was the only time I liked the State AG, because he managed to skilfully, and diplomatically, answer questions in a way that didn’t answer them at all. I’m a big fan of that.

I guess the fun started when some guy got the microphone and asked something like “you have this whole campaign about stopping male violence against women, but what about violence against men from women?” He asked another question, along similar lines, prefaced with “I promise this is the last question and then I’ll sit down” and then the MP, who was the host, said “you better” and laughed, but it was pretty obvious she was being stern. I was about to whisper to Shadi that the dude had obviously been abused by women, but thought that it may have been a bit too premature.

An old man asked why his friend, who had been the victim of fraud and lost a lot of money, couldn’t get a lawyer. When they started answering him, he obviously didn’t like the answer, and he walked out of the auditorium midway through, before they even finished answering, LOL!

There was a really sad moment when a woman had the microphone, with a toddler on her lap, and she asked, as she sobbed, “what’s the sentence for someone who sexually assaulted someone?” She was obviously a victim, and I felt sorry for her, but at the same time, I wondered exactly how she thought that that question could be answered.

Of course, the night couldn’t be finished without another question from the woman-abused guy, who asked another question along the same line, lol. I thought :just give it up mate”.

When we walked out of the forum, we talked about the statue of the blind folded woman holding the scales, and apparently Kylie had never seen it. I joked that when the host said “you better” to the woman-abused guy, he probably thought “another woman against me”, haha, and we all cracked up.

I had a pretty good time, much better than I was expecting.

Moving on...even further

After last night’s entry I went to the gym. I wasn’t too much in the mood for it, but felt obligated to go. There was a trainer there with a group of guys, the type who are obviously gym junkies. I saw that they were only benching about 20kgs more than me, yet they were so much bulkier than me. I wonder how I fare against them when looked at pound for pound.

Anyway, I went home and got onto the internet. Bob came online and told me that the picture I had made had crossed the line. I had photoshopped a picture of him and Linda in a wedding photo and sent it to the emails of Shuing, G, Malay and Bob. From there he somehow got onto me talking about his mum, and I don’t even recall doing anything like that. I apologised anyway, and he was like “that’s it?” and I said “I apologised, I don’t know what more you want me to do” and after a long pause he said “fuck it then”.

Well he obviously made it clear he didn’t want to be friends anymore. Maybe he was in a bad mood, but who cares. I never liked him anyway. I think if you deal it out you have to be able to take it – it goes two ways. He keeps saying things about my sister, and I hack it, and now he can’t hack the things I say. This might even be a good thing, I’ll just use it as an excuse to break off all ties with him. Like when I hurt my shoulder, I used that as an excuse to stop going to the gym with him, because I just didn’t like him as a person. I guess it was just a matter of time before our personalities clashed – I was the one who liked to stand up for minorities and he was the one to criticise blacks and poor people.

The only difficulty I find with all this is dealing with our group of friends. I’m not sure whether he intends to keep hanging out with them on Friday nights or not, but I’m happy to be the one who pulls out. I think for the past few weeks I’ve secretly wanted to be the lone ranger. I was starting to get tired of hanging out on Friday nights, especially with him, and then waking up late on Saturdays and missing my training in the morning.

In particular, there will be two big things. Firstly, I sent an email around organising for the Easter show this week. It’s gonna look really weird if I bail out on that, but I guess I will. And secondly, Michelle has already organised this getaway weekend for her birthday in May. I’m sure it won’t be easy pulling out of that, but I never really wanted to go anyway. For some reason she wants to go abseiling, and it’s not like the easy ones we did in high school, it’s like down a fucking mountain or something. I suppose for people who can put two and two together, seeing that I pull out of the Easter show and Michelle’s thing, then they’d figure something was up.

But oh well, life goes on.

I’d like to think that I was the one who was right in this situation. Sure, I was the one who did the picture, but come on, it was a joke. Hack it. And even if you think I’m wrong on that, I apologised. The only support that I get for my views is that Malay told me Gurang, Scope, Brain, and even Thai, all decided to stop hanging out with Bob because they didn’t like him. So hey, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not the first person to not get along with him.

I think I’ll look forward to a little peace on Friday nights from now on.

On a different note, I had a dream I was being haunted by a ghost last night. I was driving with my mum, and I had to maneuver down a very steep driveway in a cemetery. I heard a loud bang when I was at the top, like I had just hit a low wall or something. I kept letting the car roll down the driveway before getting out and inspecting the car. Nothing. No damage or anything. Then I was at home, and I had my bank card underneath my monkey. The card moved a bit towards me, and I thought it was just my imagination. Then the card flew towards me and wouldn’t get away from me. I also remember seeing a lady pushing a pram, and I figured that that was the ghost haunting me. I woke up worried about it until I realised it was just a dream.

On yet another note, I think I’m going to delete Claire off my fb. Just thinking about her ignoring my calls pisses me off. I don’t think this experience has done my pre-established views of women any good. With Claire, I decided to let my anger go and try to be friendly, but no, that was just thrown back into my face. The major sticking point of all this? When I sent that message basically saying fuck off, she came crawling back. Now what does this tell you about women? I might be completely wrong, but to me they want to be treated badly. If you’re nice to them, then they disrespect you.

Moving on...again

I don't know why I keep contradicting myself after every post.

Just after last night's entry, I texted Claire saying I couldn't make it tomorrow but asked if she wanted to see a movie on Wednesday. She replied saying she couldn't make it too because she had the cold, and so couldn't make movies either. I sent one back (can't remember what I said) and she just said that she couldn't wait until her cold was over. I sent a final one back suggesting a type of tablet and that was the end of it.

All that was going on while I was half asleep, because I decided to have an early night due to my headache and my not wanting to think about this too much. So because I had such an early night, I woke up quite early today. I got to the bus stop early and waited ages for my bus. In the meantime, this really, really hot girl came along, and her eyes reminded me of NTM's eyes. It wasn't just her physical hotness, it also had something to do with what she was wearing. She was wearing like a brown suit with a red cardigan underneath, which I thought was a really unique look.

After she got on her bus, I stood there thinking that if I attended the bus stop at that time on a few more occasions, I'm sure I'd get her attention.

It was that thought which played on my mind for the rest of the day. But before I get onto that, let me talk about my day.

It was a pretty normal day. I bumped into GS at the train station in Parra, and told him about how I got caught with an invalid ticket on Friday and how I've lost my mobile internet thingy. DC didn't come, I'm guessing he had another matter. I had this big craving for fastfood at lunchtime, but opted for Subway because I wanted to get back to my desk early to do some work. When I was halfway through my sandwich, GS came in with his son, which was a bit of a surprise. I'm sure he was proud to have his son there. I wonder if that could be me one day. Would I want my son watching me in court? Hmmm, I don't know.

When court finished, I walked out of the courtroom and there was that hot para with her friend, seemingly waiting for me as she pounced on me as soon as she spotted me. She had another one of those big yellow envelopes, said my name, said she had to give this to me and handed it over. I smiled and said "are you giving me more work?" She laughed a bit and said yes and walked away.

Now the big question: how do you go from that, to having lunch with her?

Anyway, I thought that was a good end to the day. It made my day really. And it ties back nicely into what I was going to say earlier.

Look, when you decided to go for Ele, it was obvious you had lowered your standards. Not because she was unattractive or anything, but you had always espoused how Caucasians were more attractive (in your perspective). So when you went for Ele, it was pretty obvious you were executing plan B.

And when that didn't work, you went for Claire, who you always saw as a second fiddle to Ele.

So why the HELL are you so upset about not getting a girl who was your backup to your backup?

I keep hearing and reading about how people tend to go for people in their own categories of looks, so someone who is a 5/10 will go for a 5/10. Now, forgive me for using tendency here, but if NTM, CLE, nurse lady, and now the cute para, all of whom are above average (if not tops) thinks that you pass their physical tick boxes, then why the hell would you go for, let alone be upset about, Claire, who a few months ago you wouldn't even have given the time of day?

And this leads me to another topic that I had been thinking about recently - I want you to independently consider the question of whether you even like Claire. I mean, do you really like her, or were you only interested because you knew she was interested? Go back to before Shuing told you she was asking about you - how did you see her then? Maybe you were just settling for second best, hoping you could just live a calm and stable life. But beware, things could turn ugly if you end up with someone you're not even that interested in.

So maybe, I might go back to my original standards. Maybe I'll be at the bus stop tomorrow at the same time.

Sunday comp: 2-3

I woke up today and checked my phone. No missed call. My only consolation was that it was daylight savings, so it was earlier than I thought, so maybe she hasn't woken up yet.

I went off to the courts intent on working on my threes. Thursday night was a shocker, I missed like four or five attempts. So I get to the courts, warm up, and before I get to my threes, this guy who I've played with before asks if he can shoot around with me. We shoot around for a while, and then he wants to play one on one. I was a little reluctant because I didn't want to tire myself out, but I said yes anyway. I was beating him when he said he wanted to join his friends' game on the next court.

Fine with me. I started working on my threes and made myself hit 30 before I left.

I went back home, checked my phone, and still nothing. I bummed around on the internet, half playing games and half thinking about it. Soon, I got a headache. I'm not sure if it was from sitting in front of the computer for so long, or if it was from thinking about this.

At around 1:30pm I started getting ready for bball. A came and picked me up. I still had the headache, which hindered conversation a bit, but overall I felt that his presence helped take my mind off things.

We got to the courts and it was packed out from all the parents watching their kids in another comp. We weren't supposed to play today, but because of some schedule screw up we had games today. Walking towards the entrance, I had started to call Claire, but before it rang I changed my mind.

We played Ymmij's team. I thought we had good prospects of winning, but I was worried about their tall center I had seen before. Luckily he was nowhere in sight today.

We got off to a really good start, leading like 12-2, mainly because Fat Pat's friend grabbed so many rebounds. I hit a three early on, and was glad that my shoot around had paid off. During a free throw, I was standing near Ymmij and he called out "hey, hey number 8". I walked over to him and joked "hey, at least I'm on the court", causing some amusing giggles from the people around him.

Later on Fat Pat's friend hurt his ankle, and they made a run from there. During halftime, I could still feel the headache lingering around. I didn't feel focused. I owed it to my team to focus. I didn't feel that my mind was 100% on the game in the first half. I don't know how, but I managed to throw out all thoughts about her in the second half.

Coming out of halftime, they even took the lead, until Fat Pat's other friend started bombing threes. I wasn't a big fan of him hogging it, but it was working. I took two more threes, both of which came pretty close but no doughnut.

I could tell the game was going to be a close one. Yunk annoyed me because he kept driving it into the middle, had nowhere to go, and threw rubbish passes which got intercepted. Mike annoyed me because he'd lose the ball doing the simplest things like dribbling.

We were leading by a few points and it was coming down to crunch time. Bo had a fastbreak and lost the ball which went out of bounds, and the referee said it was last touch A! A was nowhere near him!! I was so ready to chuck a psych. I just can't understand why we are the team to be on the receiving end of shitty calls.

And then Fat Pat's other friend drove it later on, got clotheslined, and there wasn't a foul!!

Fat Pat hit some clutch free throws to make it a four point game. We decided not to foul them and to pressure them on the three. They inbounded and I intercepted it, running down the other end until I was pulled by their little guard, and it was an unsportsman like foul. I hit both free throws and we got away with a victory.

I felt like walking to Ymmij who was on his bench and saying "you gonna be on in crunchtime?" but decided to play the modest card.

It was a good feeling winning. I'm not sure if Fat Pat could've taken losing to this team. I checked my phone and there was still nothing, but at that moment I couldn't care less, because the feeling of victory was still fresh, and much more important.

Bo came up to me as I was changing shoes, and said that the call at the end of the game was wrong, that he had kicked it out. Farking ref.

A drove me home, and I was feeling a lot better.

I'm not sure why she hasn't returned my call. Maybe it's her way of saying she's not interested. Fair enough, it's fucking rude, but it's fair enough. I'd expect them to do that if they weren't interested, as opposed to leading someone on.

However, the optimistic side of me thinks that maybe she's playing hard to get. Maybe she wants to see how hard you'd try to get her. When I checked my fb earlier, I saw she had commented on Scope's status.

I can't lie, it hurts to see someone doing stuff on fb instead of returning your call, but, oh well. And then she updates her status later on, saying she has a cold.

Again, the optimistic side of me says that maybe, just maybe, she's trying to pop up everywhere on my screen to gain attention.

Either way, I won't be calling her.