Oh shit she's fucking read it!!!

I sent the message at 5:20pm. I just checked, it's now 5:32pm and she's fucking read it!!!

SHEEEEEEEEEET!!!

My 31st

On a rainy Friday night, Malay took me out to dinner because he couldn't make my party the next day due to work. I felt like something healthy, so opted for sushi, and chose a Japanese restaurant in the Bra. He picked me up and we went there, it was good having only two people because it was easy to get a table.

Despite having gone jogging with him before, and oh, I don't know, knowing this guy for the last 25 years of my life, I still found myself thinking at times "think of something to say". We talked about the normal stuff, like games, Brain, Shuing etc, but I also told him about my night out with the Koreans and my crush on Luna.

I asked him about his birthday, and he said he wanted to do something quiet, and also he kinda wanted everyone to join the city to surf. I think it'd be pretty easy to talk Thai into it, but Brain would be the difficult one. Shuing is already in it, and G may be easy.

When we'd talk about what to order, or who would eat what was left over, we were both like "yeah whatever I don't care" and he said that we needed dominant girlfriends to help us decide. Hmmm, not sure about that. I think I can be dominant when I want to be, but I only act like I don't have a preference to be nice.

We had dessert as well, and he really liked the black sesame ice cream. Hmmm, if only we could get whole tubs of that for him on his birthday.

After dinner he suggested going for a coffee, but then when we went to the Wick there was no parking, so I suggested we go home as I was kinda tired anyway (and really needed to go to the toilet). It was nice of him to pay for dinner, I really appreciated it.

Yesterday
I really, really wanted to spend the first half of the day at the courts, but alas, it was raining.

So I spent the time at home, playing a bit of video games, cleaning up the house a bit, filing some letters. Then before I knew it, it was already 1pm and I needed to leave soon to pick up Shuing. I picked him up at about 1:40pm and then we went to get Yang.

The trip out to Penrith went better than expected, as Shuing and Yang made conversation about property prices and the economy. I mentally contrasted this with the Koreans that night, and thought they were both entertaining, but I just needed to get a better balance. I made one blunder, when Yang got into my car, I reached to shake his hand and congratulated him on having a boy...errr a girl lol.

Surprisingly we got there before G and his car. Maybe it was because he went to pick up Eva in North Sydney. Could you imagine the rumours Shuing would start if I did that? Colin was already there, on time as always.

It was good to see him out of hospital. He said he needs to go back twice a week for treatment, but everything seems ok now. He was wearing a cap, to cover his baldness. Other than losing hair, I noticed that another side effect of chemotherapy was that it ages you. His eye lids had dropped like an old person. It was then that I realised that that was part of what characterised people who underwent chemo. I felt so sorry for the guy.

So we hung around the golf place for a bit. I bought a pack of their so called trade mark ice cream dip things, which was better than expected. It was basically ice cream, but made into very small sprinkles.

While playing the skills tester, G arrived with Eva, Thai and Brian. We then got started with the mini-golf. We started as a group of eight, and I went first which was a disadvantage because I didn't really know how the layout was. Colin was up to his usual trash talking, so it was good to see that he was 'back' and had all the spirit like he used to.

About halfway through the course, we realised the family of three behind us was catching up. So we decided to let them go, but then other groups caught up to us as well, so then to speed things up we split into two groups of four. That was much more efficient, but a bit less fun because I wanted to watch everyone.

Sometimes as I watched others putting, I would think about taking Luna to a place like this. I think it'd be a fun date. But damn, I was already thinking ahead too much. It was obvious I had raised my own expectations, setting myself up for a spectacular failure.

After the first 18 holes, we took a break. I wanted to make sure all the other groups were going before we did so we could be a whole group again, but we went in as two groups and as we went through, others were catching up anyway, especially on hole 14 where Shuing held everyone up because it took him like 11 strokes (and then Eva took 19 lol).

Afterwards we went off for dinner. Even though I found out Sizzler was no longer a buffet, I still wanted to go as I was up for steak-house type of food. I was a bit annoyed that Shuing wanted everyone to go to hotpot just because he has a strong preference for Asian food.

We started by following Colin's car, but then G drove off himself, and so I was left following Colin. He drives soooo slow! For a while he seemed to be holding up traffic without a care in the world, lol.

When we got there, we found out it was indeed a buffet, but you ordered and paid for the mains. I was a bit annoyed that they took orders and money before finding a table for you. So we sat around waiting a bit. I tried to talk to Thai about video games, as I hadn't had the chance to speak to him much, and then we were led to a table. I sat next to Eva and Colin, and opposite Shuing. Thai and Brain were on the other end. Given how quiet Brain is, and also that Thai doesn't know Yang very well, it may have been a bit dull for Thai.

I was pretty excited, as I always am at all you can eats. We all went to the salad bar to get our food, and I was surprised at much food G got before the mains lol.

I mainly talked to Eva and Shuing. Found out that Eva was told by her friends that she was entitled to 30% of Michael L's money due to their separation. Shuing thought that wasn't the case until divorce. I didn't think there was a concrete number like 30%. But Eva said she felt relationships were more important than money, so she wouldn't do it anyway. I told her that was like me, that if I ever get a divorce I'd just leave my wife everything and drive off.

She also said she found a flatmate, and almost at the same time, G and I were like "is she pretty?" lol.

The one thing that sucked about Sizzler was the mains were pretty shitty. I don't have the highest of standards for food, but even I found my steak to be pretty dry and chewy.

After we all finished eating, G and I went to get the presents from my car for me to open. Yang got me a basketball, which was good cause I was looking for one as mine is worn out. G and Shuing gave me a tissue box...inside had an Audi model car, with a smaller Audi toy car inside lol. Malay, Thai and Brain got me Justice League and The Last of Us with some really homo packaging lol, and Eva bought me a pen package. I was pretty happy with everything, and for once actually felt special. I was very grateful.

We hung around a bit more for dessert, and then decided to go bowling in Fairfield. Yang had to go help people move (wtf) so Colin drove him to the train station and he left. At bowling, we played two games and had a lot of fun. I did alright in both games but never won. Brain won the first one and G won the second after some controversy as he seemed to get an extra bowl on one of his turns.

I joked with Eva a bit and she would hit me or touch me on the arm, which made me wonder if she was interested. Hmmmm, no, I can't.

After bowling we decided to call it a night.

I've decided I'm going to ask Luna out for lunch. My thinking leading up to that decision made me feel pretty confident, but I didn't want to do it on my birthday in case she said no, and then it'd turn a good day into a pretty shitty one. I wasn't going to do it today either, because it might be a bit too personal. I thought maybe Monday morning would be good, but nah, I think I'll do it tonight.

*deep breath*

Now that I'm actually about to do it, some reality has hit me, and created doubts in me. I think she'll say no. But then again, I tell myself, what is there to lose? Ok, embarassment, pride, and maybe she won't invite you out to further outings with Korean peeps. But I have to treat this like any of the other girls I meet online, ie. not care. I have to not care. If she says no (or doesn't reply), I just have to move on. Move on.

I've been 'mentally masturbating' lately over some past memories of her, including when she made physical contact in class, and also when she leaned into me that night as we walked. Maybe they were signs. Or maybe she's just a touchy-feely person. A part of me thinks I actually prefer the protection of this bubble of fantasy than to be hit with a reality needle bursting the bubble. Maybe that's why sometimes I prefer not to ask, not to know, so I can feel good about not being rejected and live in my own fantasy land.

But I look at other couples and wonder how they got together. I always come to the same conclusion: he asked her out.

So here goes...

Did you just skip basketball to party?

I had texted Mike yesterday saying I couldn't make tonight's game due to my knee hurting, which was probably a half-truth. My knee was feeling better, but I just wanted more rest. My plan is to rest a full week, but looks like I might have to play tomorrow because Jim wants to rest his knee, although he will come to watch. Sometimes I think he is just following whatever I do (like last Wednesday's game where he only came on when I came on).

Today I went for my 5th counselling session. Again, Margy seemed a bit angry with me at the beginning. It was like she wanted to constantly attack me. She even said the notes I handed her weren't what she was after - she wanted me to specify exactly the time, date and place I was when I had those thoughts. But just like last time, she started to cool off a bit as the session went along, although I noticed she yawned quite a bit. Guess my story might not be all that exciting.

What I learnt today was, next time I get urges, I need to ask, what am I trying to achieve? What is the underlying need? How can I go about that?

Also, when I get the urges, I need to battle it out with logic. Instead of just moving onto the next thought, I should catch it, then defeat it with logic.

Towards the end, she started getting me to write down things I could do on a routinely basis to keep me busy instead of gambling. I don't know, I kinda felt like that was a bit patronising. I think I'm old enough to set my own routines, that's all.

I thought next session would be the last, but she said it was a minimum of six. Hmmm. Not sure I can keep up these 80 minute lunches.

Anyway, I decided during the day that I'd go to this 'meet up' thing that Luna had invited me to. Due to her late reply, I got a bit pissed and left it as a game time decision. It was really up in the air as to whether I'd just skip the damn thing without telling her. But in the end, I thought, it will be an experience, and to be honest, I don't think I have really regretted any of these types of 'ventures' in the past. If I don't go, I stay in my comfort zone and continue on with my routine life, but if I go, there might be a chance I could meet someone. Or at least, I know I could make some new friends.

So I quickly got changed after work and walked to the place. It was a bit of distance if you think about it, basically from one end of the city to the other, but I got there in a bit more than 20 minutes. As I entered the narrow doorway and headed up the stairs, I got that feeling of unfamiliarity when being in a new place and thought "god, the shit you get up to sometimes".

I entered a room full of Korean people sitting at their computers. I was going to ask for Luna, but one of the girls knew straight away my reason for being there, and led me to a door. When she opened it, I saw a room full of people, sitting in circles amongst like four groups. I saw Luna and then spotted a familiar face waving at me - it was Ayumi. God bless her. I joined her circle and apparently we were to do introductions, Koreans speaking in English and us speaking in Korean, and I went first.

I did a quick scan around the room for any 'potentials' and didn't see any. I kinda fantasised about seeing Erica here, but I guess the Korean community is not as small as I thought it would be. In fact, as I was walking down this end of town, I kept looking out for her, even though she was probably at work. It made me realise what good timing my job change was - I was now out of sight of anything remotely Korean and which would remind me of her.

Anyway, before we even went around the whole group with our introductions, Luna asked the English speaking people to change. So Ayumi and I moved to the next group. A girl came later than me and joined our group. Her name was Amy. I didn't think much of her at first, but when she said she was from Hong Kong, it kinda got my antennas up.

A similarity.

We started with the same introductions again, but then Luna said we could just talk, so we had a bit of fun talking to each other. One guy was most talkative, can't remember his name, but I think he was gay. He just acted all feminine and had earrings on both ears.

I did spot a 'potential' in this group. She kinda reminded me of Gene and Elle. I actually started thinking she could be a real target, until it was mentioned that she came to Australia with her HUSBAND.

Oh poop.

Later on, Luna suggested dinner. I kinda thought there was a chance of this, but wasn't really sure about it. I decided I'd go if Ayumi went, but she seemed a bit unsure herself. Amy asked if I had had dinner and I said no. In the end we went, and it was a fairly large group.

I kinda wanted to talk to Amy, but she seemed to want to talk to this other guy, who I admit, was better looking than me. Or at least he had more hair, and was younger. I think I'm getting a bit insecure about those things now.

On the walk to the restaurant, I talked a bit with a girl called Anna, and then with the gay Korean guy and Amy. We went to a Korean restaurant in Capitol. As the staff were re-arranging the tables to facilitate the large group, I knew seating positions was critical. I was determined to sit next to Amy. I saw Luna had separated Ayumi and her friend, because she wanted to mix Korean speaking students and English speaking students together. I was standing behind Amy.

Please don't separate us, please don't separate us.

She didn't, but I got a bit of a disappointment as the tables ended up being an 'L' shape, and Amy sat on the inside corner of the 'L', away from where I'd be sitting.

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

But luckily, she then swivelled around to face the same direction as me. It wouldn't matter anyway, as Luna later made her switch seats with a Korean speaking student, so now she was on my left instead of my right. Even better.

There was an older Caucasian guy there who turned out to be a lawyer as well. I automatically assumed he was there to pick up younger girls. I spoke to him a bit but then conversation seemed to be split into my group and his group. Amy and I started talking to the two Korean guys sitting opposite us, one called Min, and the other I forgot his name.

For a while it seemed like Amy and I were just shooting questions at them and only sporadically speaking to each other, but as the night went along, and as we consumed more and more soju, everyone loosened up and we all started having laughs. Min was a really funny guy, we laughed because of his jokes and his broken English. I realised when Amy laughed that she was actually quite beautiful.

Sometimes I'd look over at Luna, although I'd try not to let her see me doing it. I realised she was a pretty cool teacher to come out with her students like this, but I wondered where she drew the line. I wondered what her social life was like if she hung out with her students. I mean, if I was a teacher and I was satisfied with my social circle, would I even want to hang out with my students? Maybe, if I wanted to feel young again. Maybe that's what she's after. I wondered if she was the marrying, settling down type, or if she just wanted to have soju nights for the rest of her life.

At one point, Min said Luna liked soju, and I said "party girl". Min told her what I had said, and she yelled at me "do you know me?" For the next few moments, I wondered if she said that in a chastising way, or if she was joking. Maybe I had gone too far? After all, how much did I really know her? Or maybe I had hit a soft spot, and caused her to be defensive?

Anyway, we played some drinking games, which was really really fun. Amy and I kept laughing at Min because he always said "Amy, focus on", when he'd try to get her attention to play the game lol.

There was a bit of an awkward moment when Min and his friend went out for a smoke, and Amy was talking to the guy on her left, so I was left playing on my phone until Min and his friend returned.

Then the fun and games continued. Min asked me about my girlfriend, and I explained that we broke up in March/April, and he asked to see a photo so I showed them one of us on the ferry.

Min asked for my Kakaotalk contact, and that was when we swapped numbers, and I also got Amy's number, although she said she doesn't have Kakaotalk because her phone is old. I found out she works in finance. Funny thing with her is, she wasn't that attractive, but when she laughed, or when we laughed, I felt like she was the most beautiful girl in the world.

When the dinner came to an end, we were all standing around a bit, and Luna came up to me and touched my arm. Throughout the night whenever she came around my end, she would lean against me to talk to Min or someone, but I thought maybe she's just a touchy feely type of person.

Anyway, she said we should keep in touch and asked me to come out to these meet ups, and I said yes and thanked her for inviting me. I had heard them talking about rock climbing earlier, but she didn't invite me (although Min asked me about it, and Amy and I were unsure). She asked me where I worked now and I told her, and she was like "because before you were working at Cth..." I got a bit nervous and diverted attention from myself, pointing to Min and saying he was a funny guy, then saying to him that Luna was a good teacher.

Then the group started to slowly move out of the restaurant, and Luna walked next to me. I noticed she leaned into me, but I figured she was a bit tipsy. She asked me where I lived, and when I told her, she didn't know. I wanted to flirt but just didn't know what to say. In the end, by the time we got to the traffic lights, some guy had asked for my fb and then Luna was gone.

Oh well.

But damn, I am so glad I went tonight. Definitely no regrets!

Roh's 1st birthday

I spent yesterday morning following up on my financials, and filing some letters on my desk. Good thing about not gambling is you get time to do stuff like this.

In the afternoon I went to the gym, then had KFC after. I'll admit I was trying to see if that girl was working there, but she wasn't. In her place was an even more attractive girl. I am so "fa sum". I drove to Toys R Us near my place and ended up buying a pikachu plush toy for Bush's second son.

I then went home and got ready to go to Bush's second son's first birthday. It was raining pretty heavily, and I had to pick up Kylie. I drove to her place in Petersham and waited downstairs. She came out in about five minutes and we headed off. It was a bit weird, because I don't think we spend much time alone together. She invited me to her weekly weekend jogs/walks with Carry and HHH. I think I ended up changing the topic each time lol.

We made ok conversation on the way there, talked mainly about a driving accidents that she had gotten in, and I told her about G's dad's one. We were nearly in an accident ourselves when on the freeway. I was changing lanes and looked at a sign when she yelled "WATCH OUT!!!" as I the car in front of me (still some distance away) was slowing down. I immediately stepped on the brakes causing my car to have a bit of a stutter reaction. I think I could've reacted in time without her yelling, but guess she was just worried.

When we got there, we sat at a table with their colleague Nicole and her husband Ben. I said "nice to meet you" before realising I had met them at the previous one lol. I talked to Ben a bit about his work as an air conditioning project manager, then spent some time walking around, going to the toilet before settling down to eat. I talked to Kylie a bit, and listened to her and Nicole talking about work. Also watched Ben play with his two year old son Caleb, and wished I could be like that one day. It was good to see Ben truly enjoy being a father, I think these things are easy to spot. 

They left first after dinner, and then Kylie and I sat around a bit eating cupcakes and sweets. We also talked about having kids. She said if she doesn't have kids by 35, she'll use a sperm donor. I think she has high standards, given she's not really that good looking. When we left we spoke to Bush a bit and agreed to meet up this coming Friday after work for drinks.

And so began another drive with Kylie. This time she got passionate talking about child molesters and how she wished she could castrate them. Don't get me wrong, I hate them too, but I think castration is a bit extreme, and has a flavour of 'man hating' to it.

After dropping her off, I realised she was kinda close to that other massage shop, and mentally told myself to never go there in case she ever spots me.

Today

I went to the gym this morning, then afterwards bought Mortal Kombat Komplete Edition at EB Games. I spotted it yesterday and decided to think it over for a day. When I saw the game play on youtube I thought it looked pretty good and decided to get it. It was only $28 anyway, which was what attracted me to it in the first place.

I then drove out to basketball. I wouldn't be playing, but I wanted to create a habit for non-playing guys to attend to support. I donned my cap which made me feel like Leonardo Dicaprio at a Lakers game.

We played the Mumbai Indians, and won fairly easily with One, Jim, Alex, MJ, Bert and Mike. I realised after the game that Mike was kinda quiet and isolated during the whole game. Guess he doesn't feel quite as belonging as he does with the Wednesday team.

My knee actually felt alright, but I knew I needed rest.

Afterwards I went to lunch with Jim, One and his wife in Stratty. We went to a nice Korean restaurant, which didn't help my attempts to forget about Erica. There was so much food spread all around the table. After lunch we went to have coffee, and bitched about Bo, lol. We also found out the reason for Bo's mysterious text to Jim before, about demanding an apology for "disrespecting" his girlfriend. One said Bo felt Jim disrespected his girlfriend by asking her to do duty one night, which is kinda...wtf. Crazy.

We then moved onto talking about NBA players, and so stayed there for a while, before going to the mall to do some shopping. I bought my supplies for a week's worth of lunch - chicken and avocado again, and this time with pepper.

When I got home, I almost immediately set up MKK, and found the story mode to be awesome!

The mid-year function

Monday
I met up with Jessica in the morning to walk to work together. The idea was to talk about one of my cases which she took over, but we only talked about that a bit and then just talked about other work related things the rest of the time. Part of me wondered if there was any 'potential' there, but I think it would make me look pretty bad since I talked shit about her behind her back after I didn't get the SLO position. Also, she seems a little bit pedantic about minor things, such as which side of the road to walk on.

All in all we got along ok, there were moments of silence, I didn't find it awkward, but just sometimes felt like the peace and quiet.

I got really bored at work. I actually stayed in the office during lunch to eat my sandwich (started making chicken and avocado sandwiches to save money and to be healthier). In the early afternoon, it was like all of a sudden I was hit with this headache, the type where there's a huge pain behind the eyeballs. Then I felt like vomitting. I'm not sure what caused it...could boredom cause something like this?

I had still planned to go to the gym at the Wick, but after I got home, I was totally out of it and went to sleep straight away.

Tuesday
If we had to pin point the one day where I had made significant progress in gelling with the people at work, today would be it. When I came back from lunch, Mob told me that I would see a bunch of emails discussing nicknames for me and apologised in advance if it caused me any offence. Of course I didn't, and I saw that after all the emails, I had now been given a nickname - something my old work place didn't do, maybe because there weren't so many others with the same first name as me.

Also, us lawyers had a meeting in the afternoon to discuss what we were going to talk about at the meeting for everyone on Thursday, and I contributed a lot more and was more frank, rather than just sitting and observing.

I also had a walk with Genie during lunch, where we basically talked about her office. For some reason it made me glad that I was no longer there.

Wednesday
On Wednesday I had my fourth counselling session with Margy. I've come to the realisation that she's not going to go anywhere near my love life or the depression that I've mentioned a couple of times. Instead, it seems that we're going to focus on my mindset in battling this addiction. Which is fine, once I've come to accept that.

Doing some rough calculations, on the basis that I've been gambling for four years, $1000 per session (remember, I only started with $50 bets, then in the midst of it was 'only' betting $800 per session) and losing 7/10 times, she estimated that I've lost about $266k. Even though that is only a very very rough estimate, it is still quite disgusting.

To be honest, I don't really know what I've lost overall. A large part of me is still in denial, and doesn't even want to think about it. If I had to guess, I'd say maybe, $30-40k? That is still an awful lot.

One thing she asked me to do was try to write down what thoughts I had right before the urges come to my mind. Which is a kinda hard thing to do...I mean, what are you thinking about right now? And what were you thinking just prior to that?

After work I went home, got the car and then drove out to bball for Mike's team. We were leading for most of the game, then late in the game gave up the lead and lost. We did make a bit of a comeback, with a quiet jump shot of mine, but we just didn't have enough. Mike and I did duty, and then I went to eat with him and the rest of the team. I talked mainly to Kelvin and Mike, and was secretly hoping that Derek would introduce the girls he was talking to at another table, but he never came over except to say bye.

Thursday
In our basketball game, I started on the bench. The other team had this short, but quick guard who quickly propelled his team to like a 15 point lead. When I came on, I made it a priority to shut him down. He hit a three pointer on me, but after that I shut him down so that we started catching up. But it wasn't enough due to A's constant turnovers, and we lost the game.

After the game, my right knee was soooo sore. Not sure if it was just because of this game and the game the previous night, or an aggregate of all the constant basketball games and the running I did on the weekend. I've decided I'll rest it for a week.

Friday
So after work we had the mid-year function. I didn't go for drinks at 5pm, instead I went to the gym to relieve the pain and ache in my knee. Getting on the bike made my knee feel so much better. It worked out well, because I don't drink, and wasn't really interested in standing around to talk.

I got there just before 6:30pm, and walked past Roy and the Commish, nodding, then setting into a conversation with Mob, Ben and Taryn. When dinner was served, we sat at our 'legal' table, joined by the Commish and Ian. It was my first real experience with the Commish, but even then, he didn't really talk to me at all. I got the feeling that he's kinda shy, and is not so good socially, kinda like...me.

It was funny when Ian asked what he should be called, and the Commish obviously wanted to be called The Commish, but was straining to think of a tactful way to say it. He also goes to the gym apparently. Other thing I found out was the dude's getting paid his pension and his salary for this job. Wow.

Taryn obviously got a bit drunk, and it was funny to watch him because he just kept babbling on about things. He is a good example of alcohol emphasising one's true nature.

So for a while Mob kept the Commish entertained while I just talked with Taryn and Ben. Then Ian and the Commish went home, Taryn went somewhere, Ben moved next to me and we talked, but then some guy's wife sat next to Mob and they started talking. I felt obliged to be a part of it, especially when Ben left, but I just sat there quietly listening to her talking about being a diving instructor. I felt socially awkward, and Mob would sometimes try to bring me nto the conversation.

After a long time I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and when I came back I grabbed my jacket and was ready to go. I had planned to see Bibi, but when I approached Ben and Rob, I got lured into that conversation and ended up having a bit of an insightful talk with Rob. He was telling me about his days as an undercover, and he was glad he got out of it although he doesn't regret one day of it. He said it was getting to him mentally. I could tell he was drunk, but he just kept talking emotionally about his work and his kids. I could see he was almost to tears.

When we went to grab our bags, he suggested we grab a beer next time and I could tell him about myself. I was trying to be humble (not evasive) by saying I didn't have much to tell as I had a boring life, but he said everyone has an interesting story to tell. Hmmm.

After that I caught the bus home. I called the shop and was told Bibi wasn't working. I got that same disappointing, down-the-roller-coaster feeling and decided I'd go see someone new anyway. I really need to manage my expectations.

I went to the bathroom and then drove out to the shop. I was shown three girls, the last one being a somewhat petite girl who stood almost outside the room. I think she didn't want to be picked, but I picked her anyway. Her name was Sammi.

As soon as we got into the room, I realised I had picked a dud. She wasn't talkative, told me to shower, and just sat there as I was undressing. When I got into the shower she joined me and showered me. I asked her how long she'd been in Australia and she said over half a year. She then broke her nail doing up her hair, and seemed a bit distressed about that. I was about to suggest seeing another girl, but then she seemed to get over it.

I found out that she didn't want to be picked because she hadn't eaten yet, and was about to eat when I picked her. She also said she had a bad customer earlier. She mentioned something about a toy, so either the guy was using something, or she meant he treated her like a toy.

I laid on my tummy as usual, but she asked me to turn around. She got on top of me and started kissing my chest and started giggling. Hmmm don't know why. Guess she was getting over the bad customer. I realised she was kinda cute when she smiled/laughed, and told her so. She went down on me a bit before getting on top of me. She started to pull me up like how Naby used to do, and I started kissing her breasts before she suggested changing positions.

So I got on top of her and she seemed quite into it. She liked me kissing her neck, and she was even kissing my neck and once or twice my face. She wanted me to hold the back of her neck which I did, and we went at it for a long time. We eventually changed positions a bit where I had her legs on my shoulders, never done that before. I couldn't believe I went that long. Eventually I got tired and asked her to get on top. She was reluctant, but I said I was nearly there so she did, and we finished like that.

She got me a drink, had a smoke, and then we laid down next to each other and talked. She said the previous guy was Vietnamese, and she could tell from his eyes that he was a bit crazy. It made me think about everything that Erica had to go through. I felt sorry for her, yet felt like a hypocrite since here I was as a customer as well.

She said the guy treated her bad just because he paid, but she said everyone should be treated the same as we're all people. I asked her why she got into the job, she said she was a beauty therapist in Korea, doing nails and eye lashes, but it wasn't much money and she wanted her own shop, so she did this. I joked and asked her to make me beautiful. She said she also does waxing.

I held her and she actually held my hand and our legs intertwined.

After I left, I wondered if I should start something with her, or keep trying Bibi. I got along with Sammi very well, mainly because she is more talkative, but Bibi is better looking.

Three weeks gamble free

On Wednesday I went to see Margy, my counsellor, for my third session.

I started off the session being rather talkative, asking her if she'd seen the news about clubs now being allowed to have more casino-like games. She said no and we talked about that briefly, saying it was all about revenue.

I gave her a print out of my last entry. I said I had to fake to myself that I was going to gamble to get into the mood, but she said not to do that, and only to do it if the thoughts occurred. The thing is, now that I don't have my credit card, it's hard, because even in the back of my mind I know I can't possibly gamble.

So she went through that and talked about some points in it. She was looking for my thoughts, my cravings. As she read it, she always mumbled "good" which made me feel like a student handing in homework to my teacher.

We talked about odds and probability again, and as I was explaining it, everything suddenly clicked for me. I realised why my method wasn't working. All this time I have been betting on the basis that it'd be extremely difficult for the ball not to land in my sector eight times in a row, you know, with the whole 0.5 x 0.5 x 0.5 thing. But the thing is, you're only betting about 1/3 of the wheel...so it should be 0.66 x 0.66 x 0.66 or something.

Fucking idiot.

Oh well, too late now.

Towards the end of the session she asked if this is what I wanted to talk about. It wasn't. I felt like I had wanted counselling to explore the roots of my gambling problem, to pin point exactly why I did it and to find ways to resolve that. But we were talking about basically why gambling doesn't pay off in the long run, and don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, but I just felt it wasn't going to the root of my problems. But then I suppose, this is gambling counselling isn't it, and not a psychological assessment?

I returned to my office rather sheepishly, wondering if anyone had noticed I'd been gone for like 75 minutes.

On Thursday I met Daniel P for lunch. He invited me into his chambers, and it made me realise this was the first time I had been in chambers as a friend to someone, rather than for business reasons. I was very impressed, and got the feeling he probably wanted to show it off to me anyway.

We went to a sushi place, and he talked a lot about his recent cases and experience as we ate. I realised I wasn't sharing that much about my new job, probably because I couldn't. One thing in the back of my mind was who was going to pay for this. I paid last time, so I assumed it would be his turn. I noticed he wasn't reluctant in getting plates off the sushi train, or ordering a 'special' dish.

When it came time to pay, he said "I just have to make a call", which I knew was a sign he didn't want to pay. I didn't mind paying, because this was after all a 'networking opportunity', but I just thought, you know...I paid last time, and he makes more money than me.

On Friday I was supposed to meet Jessica for lunch, but she called in the morning saying she had been sent out to Penrith so she couldn't make it, but explained to me a bit about one of my cases given to her, which was why we wanted to meet in the first place. I was kinda glad I didn't have to meet for lunch, since I'd save some money.

However, Friday night 'jibs' was getting to me. I was too tired to go to the gym (played Wednesday and Thursday night), and wanted something to do. I couldn't go see Bibi because I was planning to buy shoes and had to pay for basketball fees, so a significant outlay there already. I messaged Jim and we ended up having pho in Bankstown.

We talked about his CA exams, basketball and Bo. After that we went to another place for ice cream, even though it was pretty cold. I was starting to get a stomach ache, so rather abruptly suggested we go home, lol.

Yesterday I spent almost an entire day looking for shoes! Can you believe I can't find a pair I like? And when I do, they don't have it in my size? I've come to realise that my feet must be rather small, as I'm told quite often that the shoes I want aren't available in my size.

I started off in Stanmore in the Florshiem 'warehouse', which was rather just a shoddy shop. Then went to Chatty, spent a bit of time there, then went into the city. Everything was on sale, so some good bargains, but just couldn't find a pair. What a waste of petrol.

Also that morning at 6:30am I had met up with Malay for a lap of the park. It went rather quickly and easily. Just goes to show how having a friend run with you can make a difference. By the end of it, I kinda thought "oh, can we keep going?" even though I knew my knee wouldn't be able to handle it.

This morning I went for a mile run at about 7:30am. It took me 8 minutes 22 seconds, so considerably slower than last time. Don't know why.

I then spent the rest of the day eating, playing NBA2K13 (glad to have the tv fixed on Friday!) and cleaning up the house. Also had a little nap before heading off to the game at 4pm. I arrived late because there was an accident on Parra Road, but e won anyway. I only played sparing minutes, don't know why One took me off at the end of the game, but oh well. It was against Richard's team, so I really wanted to win that.

Bad news is we might be moved up to Division 4 because Kim thinks we're too good.

NBA Finals Game 2 with Nick and Mike

On Friday I had drinks with some people at my old work place. Despite my reluctance in organising this, I was quite looking forward to it on the day. So much so, that I was rather early, getting there at like 5:15pm for a 5:30pm meeting time.

I went in and bought a lemonade. As I waited, I heard a somewhat familiar voice say my full name. I thought it was someone who was here to meet me, but when I turned around I saw that it was Chris. She was with LC, and I spotted Nunjo walking past going to the ATM. Chris made a remark about how I didn't even tell her I was leaving, I made some comment about not wanting attention, and then they seemed to start talking without me. So I excused myself and sat at a table with my lemonade.

I felt a bit 'nigel-lated' so I texted Jishak and Genie to say I was there. Jishak called me and said he was coming over now.

I played around on my phone for a bit more before Jishak and Rez arrived.

Thank God!

We talked a bit before Genie arrived. Everything was going good, we all caught up, I enjoyed my lemonade, and was pretty happy. Jishak said he had a dinner later on but I was cool, as I was open for a quiet and early one anyway.

Then later on, Gonaz shows up. She says something about having come from the bar across the road, and that Powell and that are there and she'll grab them. I said something like "aw, it's alright" and Genie stopped her too, but I didn't hear what she said. Gonaz seemed to acknowledge it and said she'd come back.

Then...THEN...fucking Powell shows up. I thought, "goddamn", honestly, this guy has some fucking guts to show up like this. His mere presence disgusts me. Luckily for me, and unfortunately for Jishak, he stook next to him. We made polite conversation, and sometime later managed to discuss our exit as Gonaz spoke to Powell. After a bit longer, we all made our exit. I did feel a bit sorry for Powell, but, he is a dick.

I walked with Genie and Jishak to the train station, and then went home.

On Saturday morning, I went to the courts and did three sets of slides and dribbling. It was almost as if I wanted to test my fitness. I was pretty tired after that and went home, where I basically napped and bummed around for the rest of the day.

Yesterday I went to the courts again, this time at 7:30am, and finished off the shots I had started the week before. All in all, I made 90 mid-range shots interspersed with three sets of dribbling drills. When I got to the last 20, I was pretty much dead tired, and even thought about quitting, but urged myself on despite aches in both knees.

At night, I met up with G, Shuing and Brain for dinner. I picked up Brain and then met the other two in Chinksford. We went to the same restaurant as last time because their service was good, and we got the same level of service this time as well.

We talked about my date with Lulu, and then G told us about his dad being charged with neg driving, so the rest of the dinner was spent hypothesising about the ramifications of that.

G had to go pick up his mom so we ended dinner at about 8:30pm. Shuing pressured G to come back out, but G was stubborn enough to say no. So the three of us decided to go grab a yoghurt across the road. I found myself bringing up the topic of roulette, and Shuing immediately asked me when I went. I lied and said a few weeks ago (actually that may be the truth). I told them a story of how I once saw some guy bet on every number but two, and then two came up, and he said to the dealer "I hope you die".

After that we were walking to our cars, and somehow we got talking about voluntary redundancies. Then Shuing was like "speaking of that..." and said that Bobby had actually been offered one! I think the evil me had been waiting for this day to come, when his days of earning like $150,000, driving an Audi and living in that apartment would all come to an end, but to be honest, I didn't feel any satisfaction about it. In fact, I may have even felt a bit of sympathy.

So because of such big news, we ended up walking around the block talking about it, and then eventually went to Macca's to talk some more. Here, we learnt that Brain's family has been renting his place all this time, whereas we always thought it was owned. Damn.

We finished up at like 12:30am.

Today I met up with Mike and Nick to watch Game 2 of the NBA Finals between the Spurs and the Heat. Mike was late, so Nick and I watched the first quarter by ourselves. It was good to catch up, and also good to see he hadn't taken Bo's side in things.

Mike arrived later, and I bought them some drinks (although Mike only wanted water), and then later Nick shouted us two pizzas.

The game was disappointing because it was a blow out, but it was good to see that nice clean block by Lebron, even though I go for the Spurs.

We sat around for a while after the game just talking, mainly about basketball. Then we parted ways with Nick, and Mike and I went shopping because I was looking for a new pair of shoes for work. I didn't find anything I like (except one pair which cost $180) but Mike bought a pair for his work.

It was good to be in Chatty as it reminded me (and Mike) of our Panda days, so we talked about Fat Pat a bit.

I'm still sore from yesterday's 90 shots, especially my left arm for some reason.

Tapping into my dark side

This will be given to my counsellor.

--------------------------------------------

"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone"
-- Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day

It's 10am and I have just come back from the courts. It was peaceful, mind clearing to be by myself just practising my shot. It also gave me the opportunity to think about how to approach this.

When I had 20 more shots to go, both my knees started hurting a little. One possibility was that I could just stop and go home. But another part of me wanted to finish it for the sake of completeness.

You could tear another ACL.

Screw it, I'm finishing this.

You're going to be so sore tomorrow that you won't be able to come back to practice.

Screw it.

Maybe part of my gambling addiction is my competitiveness. This reminds me of one time when I was at the table, and had about $800 in chips. I wanted to win just $25 more, and ended up losing the whole $800. Dumb.

I've come to realise that my gambling urges come in split second thoughts, darting in and out of my mind. If there is a net of boredom/depression/excuses wide enough to catch it, the dart sticks and the thoughts start expanding, reasoning for me to go to the casino.

What are these darts like? They can be triggered by things like lack of success with girls, thinking about money, thinking about things I need/want to buy, or just plain boredom. The darts can be quick snippets of thoughts like:

Maybe you should go to the casino.

You've had a stressful/tough day/week.

You have nothing else to do.

You're home alone now. You have the freedom to do whatever you want.

You bought something for $50 on your credit card. If you go win $50, you can cover it with that.

Well, you've got money owing on your credit card anyway, what's a bit more?

Sometimes the urge is a bit stronger. I think about taking in that first breath of the casino air conditioning, and liken it to a heroin addict shooting up. There is just something about taking those first steps into the casino that gives you a bit of a high (I have read that casinos may pump more oxygen into the air in there). Sometimes I fantasise about indulging by recklessly throwing chips all over the table and seeing what I would get.

These 'darts' are usually brushed off if I'm pre-occupied with something else. But like I said, if the net of boredom/depression/excuses is wide enough, thoughts start catching on and reasoning with me:

Just go have a gamble, you haven't been in a few weeks anyway, what's one gamble every few weeks?

You use $1000, win $100-200 and get out. Simple.

What are the odds that the ball won't land in your sector ONCE? That's all you need right? Just one landing.

Why not me?

But what if I lose?

If you lose, just use $1000 from your savings to cover it. Or your next pay cheque will cover it.

It's just money. Money lost can be made back.

What are the odds that it will land outside your sector eight times in a row??

This last line of reasoning developed as thus: before a coin is flipped, if you guess it will be heads, you have a ½ chance of getting it right. But what are the odds if you bet that it will be heads two times in a row, before the first toss? It will be ½ x ½ = 1/4, or 25%. So for it to be eight times in a row, it would be ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ = 1/256. Accordingly, because there's only a 1/256 chance of it landing outside of my sector eight times in a row, then after two or three times it should be safe to bet my sector.

I now know this to be the gambler's fallacy.

I have about $700 cash at hand in the bank right now after selling some shares. I plan to buy other shares with it, but a small part of me can't help but think I should go take a chance with it.

Just go use it to win $25.

Your mother always chastises your dad for playing it too safe and never taking any risks. Well here's your chance to take on some risks.

Sometimes I feel like I have no aim, no goal in life. Back when I had a credit card debt of $12k, my goal was to get rid of it. Now that I'm no longer in debt, it's like I have nothing left to achieve. It's like I have a sense of freedom without purpose. You know the saying "the sky is the limit"? Well it's like the inverse reasoning of that - it's too hard to reach the sky anyway, so why bother.

If the above are enough to convince me to go out to the casino, I put my credit card in my wallet and it's game on.

At the casino
I'll look for an ATM to withdraw the $1000 - preferably one that doesn't charge the $2 fee that applies when you use one not from your own bank. Funny that, when you're planning to spend $1000, what's $2 more?

Approaching the familiar entrance to the casino, I'll nod to the security who always seem to let me in without checking my ID. I am fairly sure the 'eyes in the sky' tell them I am a regular coming back.

Inhaling the air-conditioning instils a sense of excitement into my veins. I walk to the roulette tables, trying hard not to walk too eagerly. I stay away from empty tables, and tables that are jam packed. My ideal table is one which has one or two players playing, with the middle seat vacant.

I pull out $500 in cash and lay it on the table, and ask for colour chips. The dealer will ask if I have a member's card, and I always say no. They push five stacks of chips towards me as I begin analysing the history of numbers. It's possible they weren't spun by this dealer, but I just assume they were. I mentally count down the list of numbers:

No.

No.

Yes.

No.

No.

Yes.

Yes.

No.

Where 'no' means the ball landed not in my sector, and 'yes' means it did. So from the above I would usually conclude that in general, the ball lands in my sector once every three spins, which is about the average, given the numbers I bet on cover about one third of the wheel.

I will wait until two non-sectors appear, and then place a bet with $100 worth of chips spread around my sector. These numbers seem to be so ingrained into my mind, that even after a year of abstinence I had no trouble remembering them. Sometimes I may sit there through several spins without betting, and in a different way, it feels as good as placing a bet. I don't know what it feels like for a person to sit at a bar alone and drink their sorrows away, but I'd imagine it'd be pretty close to this.

A win 'confirms' my suspicions about the ball landing in my sector once in every three spins. A loss makes me go "ouch" and I prepare the next stack of chips, thinking that it is now more likely than before that it will land in my sector.

If I get down to my last stack, I pull out another $500 worth of notes and ask for more chips. I feel like ammunition has been reloaded in a gun, but am also conscious that I am now down $400. That means putting more onto the table to make more back.

It will be betting on my sector again, or the inverse of the sector depending on my confidence, but now instead of $100 per spin, it's $200, or $300. Needless to say, if I get it wrong one or two more times, I'm done.

Putting that last $100 out onto the table is a really depleting feeling. Why not keep it and go home? I guess because it's just "another $100" and this one last chance could bring me back. I watch as the ball lands outside of my bets. I am filled with frustration as I walk away from the table.

How could I be so stupid?

Why did I come here?

Why couldn't I just be content staying at home, and enjoying the simple things, like reading a book, or washing my car?

Do you have any idea how much $1000 will set me back??

I can't continue living on like this...

I need to stop gambling and get my life together. I'm not young anymore. I can't afford to fuck around anymore.

Ok, I will not gamble from this day on!

Walking away from the casino, it is almost as if I am walking with my head down. Everything seems to be in black and white, and nothing has any flavour. I am depleted, depressed, and feeling extremely stupid. I tell myself to cut up my credit card. I wish I had never discovered gambling in the first place.

Lulu / Bibi

On Wednesday in the afternoon, I got a message from Mike saying there would be no game that night because the other team forfeited. My plan had been to go home, get changed, and drive out, but now I had a whole night free. Sure, I could've gone to gym, but nah, I had to take advantage of this 'night off'. So, what to do?

I messaged Jim to see if he wanted to meet up after work. I didn't really want to eat, maybe just drink, but just wanted to talk. He said he wasn't at work and asked if I wanted to drive out there.

Err...no thanks. One good thing about having a night off is that I DON'T have to drive out west.

I had gotten the number of Lulu a few nights ago, who I chatted up on the dating site. I decided to message her to see if she wanted to meet up. I knew it was spontaneous, but I have also come to learn that sometimes spontaneity works in your favour with these kinda things - it shows you don't care too much and haven't put too much effort into planning; like I would've done in the past.

To my surprise, she responded - and not with a negative response. Although I initially asked for coffee, we ended up agreeing to dinner. She said she worked in Livvy and lived in Parra, so I decided I'd drive out there. The other thing in the back of my mind was, if this didn't go well, I could go whoring afterwards. Yes, it was a Wednesday night, but I was up for a 'party night'.

So I went home in my suit, got the car and drove out. I was early, which was good, because it took me a while to find parking. Never thought I'd have trouble finding street parking in Parra on a Wednesday night. I hadn't been out there for a while, so it was good to be back. Brought back a lot of memories.

After parking, I made my way to the pre-arranged meeting place. I was pretty much right on time. I walked to the chocolate cafe where Twish and I used to go after work, and saw no one there. I thought she might be running a bit late, and was checking my phone as Geni had just sent me a few messages. Then I heard someone yell my name from across the street, and it was her, Lulu.

I went across and we shook hands. She was shorter than I expected. Maybe the way she took her photo made her look tall. She also didn't really look like her first photo. But she wasn't unattractive, and in fact, was probably a little attractive. I asked her what she felt like and she basically pushed the decision onto me, asking me to decide. I guess she wants the male to be the decision maker, but what I don't like about women who do this is if I pick something they don't like, then it's my fault.

I suggested the Thai place near us where I went to for dinner with Bush and Kylie. She said ok so we went in.  It actually went surprisingly well right from the beginning. We had a lot to talk about from the get go. She talked about work at first, which made me wonder if she was trying to stay away from personal details because she had already decided that she wouldn't be seeing me after this. So I tried to get a bit more personal by asking her about her background, although somehow we always came back to her job as a teacher.

She said she liked her job, but would consider changing careers once she gets to five years. She said she works in a private, Islamic school, which was co-ed. She was different from Katie - not as polished, but at the same time, that made her more down to earth. I did notice, however, that sometimes she'd try to see what watch I was wearing whenever my left hand came up. Hmmm.

We actually talked so much that after we finished our meal I was thinking of a way to leave. Not that I was unhappy, but I guess the stupid side of me didn't want the restaurant to ask us to leave. I noticed that she didn't make any effort to pay, and it was only as I walked to the cashier that I suggested I'd pay and she just said ok.

Anyway, we parted outside the restaurant and she said something like "we can do this again perhaps" and my first instinct was "bullshit, she's just saying that to be polite". So when I got into my car I had already decided to go see Anna.

On the drive there I messaged Lulu, sending her a picture of something we talked about at dinner (communication differences between men and women). I wasn't expecting her to reply, but she did, rather playfully. Oh well, I was still going to see Anna. But then I had a thought - why spend $270 on something that won't develop? Why not see...Bibi?

So ok, I decided to see Bibi, and if she wasn't available, then I'd see Anna. So I went to the shop, walked in, and asked if Bibi was working. The guy said yes so I paid for the hour. I went to the bathroom and came back. When I was told she was ready, I went to the stairs and she was already waiting there. She looked much different to how I remembered her. For some reason I remembered her as fairly chubby, but here she was, pretty thin, and her face was prettier. Damn, what the hell does my mind do.

We went into that room with the painting, I asked her if she remembered me and she said yes. I later asked if she remembered my name and she said no, and asked for it. So I said it in Korean. We showered and did the usual thing. This time when I was on top, I lasted quite a long time. Again, she didn't like her right nipple sucked. I later asked why and she said it hurts sometimes.

After we finished, she laid on her tummy next to me and we talked. She started remembering things from our last session, like how I attended Korean class and only learnt to say "my name is". I asked some questions which were dumb because I realised we had talked about those things before, like what other countries she had been to.

Like last time, she would sometimes lie there and look at me. I said she had beautiful eyes and she said thank you. I did get a laugh when I said she looked like Totoro, lol. She said her friends thought she looked like Popeye's girlfriend, so they called her Olivia. I realised at that moment, that I may have created a bit of an emotion bond. Like, right there, at that specific moment.

She started opening up a bit. I asked her what she studied in Korea, and she said make up. I asked her if she could do make up on me lol. She said she would shave my head, and so I said next time I will bring the equipment and she can do it lol. She also asked me how old I was and I said 30. I think she said she was 25 or 26.

I asked her when was the last time I saw her and she said she didn't remember and asked me back. I said maybe 5-6 weeks.

Afterwards we had a bit of trouble with the hot water in the shower, but other than that, got dressed as usual and left.

2nd counselling session

Luckily on Tuesday, MOB was off work due to sickness. So I didn't have to think about whether I should give a false explanation for my extra long lunch or not. I considered telling her I was seeing a physio to justify my 75 minute lunch, but wondered if not saying anything would be better than a lie. Maybe another issue for another day (like next week).

My other concern fell away as well - bumping into Wongy at the counselling place, as he'd be around there doing interviews. When I left my building, I saw him downstairs smoking. He so doesn't look like a smoker. But he does look gay. And acts gay.

Anyway, this time I didn't have to wait too long to see Margy. She looked a bit more attractive this time, with her hair slick and tied up, which made me a bit nervous. So nervous that I was playing with my fingers in the beginning, and she noticed it.

She started by asking me if I gambled on the weekend, and I said no, but if I had my credit card I probably would have.

Since we already talked about my family last time, she asked me about my schooling. I said it was alright, and talked about the two turning points - being rejected by Rhino and getting snobbed by those guys from SBHS in the YA event. I told her I still got low marks after that (78.80) and she asked "do you think that's low?" and I wondered if she got lower.

I can't believe I was close to tears when I talked about those events as well, hmmm, even after all these years.

She asked me if there was anything else significant that I should mention, and I wondered about all the whoring but said nothing. Maybe the 'relationships' aspect of my life will come up next.

Sometimes she would yawn and look at the clock, which made me think I was being boring.

I brought in the Dr Jekyll-Mr Hyde analogy (twice), but don't think she liked it. Maybe she thinks it's a way of absolving responsibility?

At the end, she asked me to try to write down my thoughts, or urges, on gambling. I agreed to do it, but wondered if I could conjure up my dark side now that I had no credit card. I am planning to try it tomorrow. It's hard to talk about the actual addiction itself without being in the 'mood', it's hard to re-articulate all the emotions and thoughts you go through in that very moment at a later time.

Open wounds

“Breaking news, Detroit rapper Eminem cancels his sold-out European tour

To check himself into rehab, after admitting an addiction to sleep medication”

-- Eminem, Careful What You Wish For

I'm sitting here in my car at Mrs Macquarie' Chair right now, just felt like I needed to get away from the house and be by myself. For the last few days I’ve felt like I’ve been walking around with an open wound, and here’s why…

On Thursday I went to see the counsellor. I wasn’t nervous as I usually would be, I guess I was just looking forward to confessing to someone all my sins. I sat waiting for a while, even though I arrived five minutes early. I saw some guy come and say he had an 11am appointment with “Margy”, the name of my counsellor. I wondered what Margy looked like as I saw several women walk by me. I would’ve preferred a man, but doesn’t matter I suppose.

A slim, blonde lady, maybe in her early to mid 30’s came out to see the guy and told him he was two hours late. He acted surprised and apologised, and they re-scheduled. After he left, she asked me if I was [insert name here]. I said yes and followed her into her room.

She asked me to take a seat in the chair furthest away from the door, which I thought was strange because that’s where the office holder should usually sit as it represents power. But in a way this did make me feel more comfortable not having my back to the door.

She started by asking me to fill in more forms, which I went through fairly quickly as they were answers like “on a scale of 1 to 3…” I thought she was doing something else but I think she was watching my answers as she knew straight away when I finished the first form. I was surprised I circled ‘3’ for questions like “do you see life worth living in the future”.

After that, she told me about an outline of the thing and how because I ticked a box then they would contact me a few times after my final session, and also outlined what she was legally obligated to disclose. None of them applied to me except an offence of 10 years or more – so I couldn’t talk about being sexually abused as a child.

The session was spent mainly asking about my family. Even though I had spent the previous night driving to basketball thinking about these questions, it amazed me that I still got quite emotional when talking about it, and nearly came to tears but held back. I said even though I loved my dad, I felt like he was never there for me as he was always at work. She put it in terms of “so you love him but feel no familiarity”.

I said I was closest with my mom, but felt she was never there for me either, expressing her love by buying me things I never wanted. I relayed to her the story of how when I used to go to Chinese school, all the kids would get picked up by their parents except me, and that I asked my mom if she could pick me up and she said no. I also said I asked her to come watch me play basketball but she never did.

My relationship with my sister was a bit harder to describe. I said when I was young I saw her talking to herself and acting strange, but my mom never did anything about it except take her to a temple. I said maybe my silence with her is my way of showing my mom I still did not approve.

We didn’t talk about gambling as much, apart from asking me why I do it, and I said because I felt lonely, depressed, and it wasn’t predominantly about the money. I told her the Alan Shore line of “I like to be alone; amongst other people”, and she said “so vicarious socialising”.

The session went a bit longer than an hour. I was in a rush to get back to work, but I felt she had more patience. At the end she was explaining to me the whole process, drew up a diagram of all the things that might contribute to the cause of my gambling, and gave me a booklet on gambling addiction.

We made an appointment for next Tuesday, and I thanked her and left. It was somewhat hard to return to work mode, but I had to do it.

That night at basketball, as I was shooting around during warm ups, I could finally understand those stories I had heard about NBA players having gone through something emotional before their games, either like me by going to a counsellor, or having someone pass away. In a way, I guess I never fully grasped the significance of that. But here I was, having opened myself up earlier in the day, and now I was expected to focus on a basketball game. I could feel the open wound.

We played The Bandwagoners, who was a pretty shit team. We were up like 21-11 in the first half, and then it all came crumbling down in the second as we lost the game by three points. I scored eight points, on a fastbreak and some jump shots, the last one bringing us to within a two point deficit late in the game and silencing their supporters. But we had to foul and they ended up leading by three. We had one last possession. Jim passed it to Jeremy who SHOULD HAVE swung it to me for a WIDE OPEN three, but instead, he held the ball above his head, didn’t even look at me, acted like a deer in headlights, and had the ball stolen from him.

Game over.

I got pissed off, and just went straight to do duty with Jim. Jeremy hung around with us for a few minutes but I didn’t want to talk to him. How hard was it to pass it? Why not pass it to me? Dumb.

It was lucky I took a nap after work instead of going to the gym, because I wasn’t as tired when I woke up the next day after getting home past midnight.

Yesterday, when I went out to lunch, I returned Erica’s missed call. Not unexpectedly, there was no answer. Later on, I sent her a message on Kakaotalk “you call me?” just as she had sent me one of those game messages. No answer.

Later on in the day, I couldn’t help it anymore – I SMS’d her as I needed to know whether I should spend my money seeing her or Anna. I asked “want me to come see you tonight?” She replied “no…sorry…”

I sent a message back “Please do not contact me”.

I just wanted this to end. I was getting distracted at work, and it showed, as MOB picked out some errors in documents a guy had sent me to review. Grrrr.

After work I went to the gym, went home then went out to see Anna. I didn’t book, so it was risky. I went in and asked the guy if she was working, and he said yes but she was busy. I asked how long, he said 30 minutes, and I asked to wait.

So I sat in the waiting room and then was finally called after a while. She was at the stairs waiting for me and we went up. I asked her how she was and if she remembered my name, and she laughed and said no.

Hmmm…no good.

We showered, and this time the kissing on the back was even shorter than before. However, when she went down on me, she did it for quite a long time. She asked to change after that because her leg was hurt, and showed me some band aids, so I got on top of her and we went at it for a while.

Afterwards she got us some drinks and we sat up together drinking it. She told me she had now changed her departure date and had bought tickets to return to Korea on 20 June. Wow, that was quick. I said my birthday was 29 June and she said her birthday was 29 July, and that her brother’s birthday was 20 June.

Things were quiet for a lot of the time as we just watched the tv, but she did ask me who I saw when I came here years ago. I told her Naby/Bibi, and she said she knew her, but didn’t like her. I told her how I saw her for a year every week. I asked her how old Naby was and she said 34.

Wow, so she was four years older than me…no wonder she didn’t want to go to dinner with me.

I asked if Naby had a baby and she said no, that she was single.

We then started talking about rent. She said she lived on Sussex Street and that she pays $1800 per fortnight, living by herself. She said she didn’t like sharing.

I held her hand for most of the time, but felt it was futile – she was already gone. I sure know how to pick them.

I realised afterwards that when I left, I didn’t even turn around to say goodbye to her. I guess in the back of my mind I knew there was no point.

I had a good night’s sleep, and went to the courts at about 8:30am. I worked on my dribbling and my shots, then had to go meet Malay to get his HDMI cable to see what the problem was with my PS3. I think it’s my tv. We talked a bit, and he had a wedding to go to so didn’t want to hold him back.

I returned home, had breakfast and then had a long sleep.

I felt somewhat empty. I’m not sure if it’s the absence of gambling, or the absence or the credit card. I have $80 available to spent, and I felt limited. Like, if I wanted to go punting right now, I couldn’t. I guess it’s good for me in the long run, but it’s kinda hard right now. I think I will need to find some hobbies.

Also, earlier I felt like I could go on without Erica, but now I want to message her again. Actually I messaged her this morning, saying “Just want to talk…why you call me but don’t want to see me, I don’t understand” (maybe she called after I used that photo of Cathy as my profile pic on Kakao?). I guess I am just saying I don’t really want to cut all ties. I want to send another message “just want to be with you, why so hard…” but then I think, goddamn, all she did was ask me how I was and call me, why has it gotten me so emotionally ramped up?

Lucky I deliberately didn’t take my phone with me now, otherwise I would’ve done it.

I am looking forward to my next counselling session on Tuesday.