Realisation - fucked up

As I was driving to basketball tonight, I was mentally going through what I'd tell the gambling counsellor tomorrow. It made me realise - I'm pretty fucked up. All this time I've been thinking I was normal, but I'm not.

Also, I think I know why Erica messaged me - she wants to know if I still have her number. Either that, or she just wants attention. She never replied.

Oh, and after 20 million questions about why I want to close my credit card...it is finally closed!!!

My first GA meeting

At lunch, I felt like I needed to do something other than just grabbing lunch. There was no need for a bank visit as I wasn't depositing cash (had I gotten used to that??). I decided to go out and make a call to make an appointment to see a gambling counsellor.

I wandered around to Wesley Mission where I had previously seen a sign for help for gambling addicts. I found a corner and made a phone call. I was told that they were so busy, they couldn't make an appointment today - they had to call me back in two weeks to make an appointment!

Disappointed, I decided to check out Wesley Mission, but not before scoping around for people who might recognise me. I felt like I was about to walk into a brothel. After several re-directions, I found my way to their office which was on the same floor as those people I had met at work drinks a few weeks ago.

Great, as if you needed any more difficulties in this.

I went in, but no counsellor was available, so I just left my name and phone number.

For the rest of the day, thoughts of gambling tonight flowed through me intermittently. I could always skip gym, go home, grab the car, and go to the casino. Or I could even go after gym.

I went to the gym, then grabbed a chocolate bar, KFC and then went home. I got the car and went looking for the GA place. I actually went to the wrong address at first, and probably looked a bit suspicious hanging around there at night.

I eventually found it, which was like a small room at the bottom of the church. I was late now, obviously, so I had walked in on a group of people sitting on chairs in a large circle. They all looked at me. I wasn't sure if it was GA and cautiously walked closer, before taking a seat. I figured, if this was something else, they'd just ask me to leave.

The guy at the top interrupted someone speaking, and asked for my name. I told him and then someone else resumed speaking. Apparently they were reading from a booklet on gambling. They were taking turns reading paragraphs, and I read out a paragraph when it came to my turn.

After that we read from a larger booklet, and then it was time to share our stories. The guy to my right started, and he was the mumbler. I couldn't tell what the hell he was saying when he was reading, and so I sure as hell couldn't tell now what he was talking about. All I could pick up was "TAB" and that he had sold 25 suits to fund his addiction.

I found it a bit odd that everyone introduced themselves as "Hi I'm [name] and I'm a compulsive gambler". I guess it makes you face reality.

After everyone had done their spiel, I was invited to go last. I told them about how I started in 2007/2008, that my friends took me there and before that I had never even thought about gambling. I told them about how I played sic bo at first, won $30, then found myself coming back to play roulette and started losing money, eventually racking up a credit card debt and selling my dad's shares. A guy nodded as I spoke, which was comforting, because it made me feel that he knew what it was like to be going through all that. I nearly cried when I said I felt guilty because my dad was a hard working man who single handedly brought the family over and here I was losing all this money.

We finished at about 9pm, and ended by standing in a circle, holding hands and saying a pray which I thought was a bit weird. After that, the one guy who looked semi-professional approached me and said "hey baldy". He said he followed basketball as well and asked me which team. I thought he meant he recognised me from my basketball comp, but apparently he meant the NBA. He said he had been to a lot of games, and actually flew around following the LA-Boston finals.

We ended up talking outside, and he mentioned he was a business owner. He asked me what job I did because I said I felt guilty when I gambled while people's lives were at stake, so I said I was a lawyer and some guy went to jail for 17 years during my addiction. He talked about how this addiction never leaves you, that he first started when he was 17 and now he's 37. We swapped numbers, and he said he worked in the city as well. He left by saying jokingly that he hated the Celtics lol.

When I was going home from work earlier, I had texted Katie about plans for Saturday, so I expected a reply when I got home (didn't have my phone with me, as it was at home charging). I saw two messages - one from Daniel, and one from.........Erica.

I thought to myself, "I did message KATIE and not ERICA, right?"

The last gamble?

I know, I know, you've heard this before, but please, hear me out.

So I relapsed on Sunday morning. I hadn't planned to gamble, but for some reason I woke up at around 4am. Maybe it was because I fell asleep the night before reading 'Relentless' earlier than my usual bedtime.

I hung around the home a bit, thinking about it. I knew I shouldn't, but I found myself sneaking around to get dressed. I was still having second thoughts as I hadn't left yet, but once my sister came out of her room, I knew I had to act - if she saw me, there'd be no explaining why I was dressed up sitting in my room. So I had to leave. I snuck out the front door and went down to get the car.

I drove out to withdraw $1000 then went to the casino. I was looking forward to a few over-nighters being there and being able to find a table easily, to sit down and play peacefully with a few others hanging around. But to my surprise, it was quite busy. Maybe it was because there were only four tables open, but all tables were packed.

I stood around watching/waiting a bit, and spotted a young Chinese looking girl playing at the $10 table. I was tempted to go there, but reminded myself that $10 was out of my league. I wondered if she was a working girl, or even if she was a Korean working girl.

Finally a spot became available at a table and I interjected myself into the middle, unknowingly taking over the place of some guy who was betting $100 chips on black/red. I sat down, and realised I was now sitting straight across from the girl.

The dealer was an older Chinese man, who I could hear speaking in Cantonese with a player to my right. It sounded like the guy to my right was a tourist. The dealer was kinda slow, always asking everyone if they were ready before spinning. I thought "who cares, just spin it and force them to be ready".

I played the patient game, and slowly found myself up $280. I had now recovered the funds I spent on seeing Anna, so maybe it was a good time to leave? No. I kept playing.

There was an Indian guy to my left who was rather loud, and after he lost a few spins, he said "you're a no good dealer" and went to the table where the girl was. I was glad he left because he really stunk, but now I felt sorry that the girl had to endure it. I wondered if she would move to my table.

We made eye contact a few times, and once I even gave a soft, friendly smile. I think she half smiled back. I caught her looking at me again after that but as soon as she saw me she looked away lol. Ok, concentrate dude.

I lost a bit and was now up by only $180. I looked up and saw the girl was gone.

Ok, maybe NOW is a good time to go?

Yes, I decided, but I played a few more spins before cashing in. It was time to get my car anyway, as parking had expired. I went to cash in, then left the casino wondering if I'd catch up to the girl, even though I must've stayed at the table 15 minutes after she left. I didn't see her, and drove home.

I felt like a run, so I got changed and decided to test myself doing a mile. I also wanted to remind myself of the old high school days when I'd do the same run. I took my phone with me to time myself, and ended up doing it in 7 minutes 59 seconds. It was a bit of a struggle, as I had to keep pushing myself to run faster than the minimum that I'm used to, but at the same time I can't help but feel that I could've done a bit better because towards the end I kinda slowed down as I was catching up to a guy with a dog (who I saw when I first left the house).

Now that I had done my exercise, I had nothing to do. I had some breakfast, and then took a nap. I woke up around midday and......decided to return to the casino. Had I ever been twice in one day before? I was sure I had.

I took a bus out this time. I figured I might as well make use of the cash I already had without incurring further ATM fees. However, I had decided to leave the $180 at home, so if I did lose $1000, then really it'd 'only' be a $820 loss.

I found a table and sat down. Apparently it was this dealer's first day on the job. He was a bit slow in calculating the winnings, and the pit boss told everyone that it was the guy's first day. I didn't have a problem with it, but I got the feeling others wished he would hurry up.

I burnt through my first $500 rather quickly, and got that familiar feeling of "why the fuck did I come back, oh god". I was now into my second batch of $500 and could foresee myself walking out down $1000 along with that shitty feeling of regret.

There was an old man playing to my left who kinda annoyed me. I had to check how many chips he had to see how long he'd last, and then wished for his chips to lose. He didn't have many, and after a few losses, he got angry and cashed in. He put down his fie chips and asked for a $25 chip. The dealer was asking the pit boss something and the old man asked rhetorically "would you like me to come get it tomorrow?"

When the dealer cashed it in, the pit boss said, in a rather demeaning tone "thank you sir, we'll see you again soon". That was very revealing for me. The tone showed how the casino viewed us gamblers (with degradation, like how most view drug addicts) and his words showed that he knew we would come crawling back for more. And for the large part, he was right. We would desperately come back for more.

Anyway, I kept playing and now an older Asian lady had sat on my left. The newbie dealer had spun up a double 29. I decided to stick uncomfortably to my new strategy of going with the trend instead of against it, so bet on that sector, with a bit more focus on 29 - one of my 'rules' is to always bet on a triple when the opportunity arises.

I wasn't even watching the wheel and only looked to see where it landed......number 29!!!

I usually don't react, but this time I did - I said to the lady on my left, "29 again!!" and she was surprised as well. Everyone had some chips on it, and she said she thought I didn't bet on it. I tried to see under all the chips how many I had. I had two straight ups and three splits - that was 121!!!

The dealer wiped his forehead and joked about how hard this was going to be, and I said "now everyone likes you".

I ran through that calculation a million times as the dealer was doing the calculations for the others, just to make sure I got it right. He and the pit boss actually got it wrong, saying 104, and I corrected them.

That brought me back up and was now in fact up by $530. I sat out the next few spins thinking - I wanted to leave now because I didn't want to lose it all back, but at the same time, I should ride out my good luck, right?

There was a dealer change, and I bet a couple more times, with the end result of being up $480, and I then cashed in and left. I figured, with what I had won in the morning, I was now up $660.

Even after cashing in and walking around with 16 x $100 chips, I considered continuing play. Partly it was because I knew in the back of my mind that this was going to be over one way or another - I'd close my credit card and/or see a counsellor as I had planned the night before.

I ended up leaving. The fear of losing all this back was greater than my greed for more.

I left, wanting to get some KFC as reward, but then decided to just save some money and eat at home. In fact, I had decided to see Anna. It'd be cheaper now because it was before 5pm anyway. The car was home, and when I got home I called up the shop but was told she started work at 8pm. So that was the end of that story.

And so, today, I deposited all that money into the bank, returning some to my credit card. It was now cleared, with the exception of the usual withdrawal fees that will show up tomorrow, otherwise it is ready to be closed. I also tried calling some counsellors at the end of the day but no one picked up the phone. The urge to gamble was there but it was raining pretty hard. Maybe that was my last gamble, but I plan on going on Sunday to see if that girl is there. If I take no money with me, what could be the harm?

Uni dinner / Kev and Zai / Anna

On Friday after work, I went home, changed and drove back out to the city for dinner with Carry, HHH and Kylie. I left home with about 30 minutes to go, but unexpectedly got stuck in heavy traffic close to the restaurant. HHH messaged me saying they were at the restaurant, and I could just see how Carry would get angry at me again for being late, so I started rushing to look for parking. I missed a few car parks because I was in the wrong lane, but eventually found one.

I ran from the car park to the restaurant, only to see........HHH and Phillip there. What da fuq...

She said they were the only ones there. So the three of us caught up a bit before Kylie arrived. The seating arrangements were good, I was next to HHH and Kylie was opposite me. There was mention of someone I didn't know coming, and so at least I was surrounded by people I knew.

Then this guy called JP turns up, seemed like a nice enough guy, didn't really understand his occupation though - digital media director or something. Carry was the last one to arrive, even though she lived the closest, because she apparently caught the wrong bus.

For a dinner that I had always been planning to bail, it went surprisingly well. I only didn't bail because Bush bailed, and it was too close to the date for me to bail now. I wanted to bail because I had already seen Bush, and also to save money. But we all had lots of laughs, and I contributed to some of it, and just felt like I got along with them fairly well. I usually just feel like Bush is my friend and they are all friends of her. Kylie seemed to be her usual self - a little negative and complaining about her job. I get the feeling she's a bit like my sister - waiting for a rich man to come sweep her off her feet.

I had to meet a Kev afterwards, a guy from my basketball forum who was visiting from the US, so I was very mindful of the time. But to my surprise, when I checked the time, it was only 9pm, and I had planned to meet him at 10pm.

We sat until we were the last table and eventually left. They all went for a drink afterwards, but Kylie and I decided to go home. I drove the car to a place closer to Kev, and in fact it was right outside his hostel.

I called him and he had come out of the club. He was a Persian guy, about 5"7, with a nice smile and an American accent. He actually looked a lot like my client during that long trial. We shook hands and he introduced me to his friend, Zai, a thin, Asian guy also with a strong American accent.

He brought me down into the club, and although it was loud, it wasn't very packed. He introduced me to two girls and then we stood around the band talking for a bit, as he pointed out to me a girl he wanted to get with. We moved away from the band and talked a bit more before we went outside to talk. He wanted to go to Scary Canary, so I paid for a cab there and we were about to go in, but I wasn't allowed in because I was wearing sneakers. Damn, I felt so bad. That's why I hate places like this. Kev tried to talk to them which I appreciated.

I asked them what the main difference was between the US and Australia, and they were like "fucking have to pay for everything! Oh you want ketchup? That'll be ten cents" - LOL!

I ended up taking them to the casino. We had a bit of a problem getting in, as Zai's ID had expired, even though he was 21. So I took them around to another entrance, and I noticed a security guard had followed us by coming through the casino to our side. As expected, as we approached the entrance, this and other security guards approached and the guard already there said Kev was refused entrance earlier so he couldn't be allowed in. Somehow they let Zai in, and I was still standing behind Kev. Kev kept saying he wans't refused entry earlier, and they eventually let him in, although we were followed for a while by one of the security guards.

We went to get a drink first, and then Zai said he wanted to play poker. I waited with him at the poker tables while Kev went to the ATM to get some cash, so got to speak to him a bit. Zai eventually got a table, and Kev went to play some other poker but then went to a $10 blackjack table. I went to watch him, he sat down next to a blonde and started talking to her and the female dealer. I thought the blonde was very attractive but he told me he'd try to get the dealer's number. The blonde seemed very stand-offish at first, but Kev was very charismatic, he had the type of confidence that showed that he didn't care how people responded - he just assumed he was likeable.

The blonde eventually became more talkative, and even started giving him tips on how to play. He also seemed to get a pretty good vibe going with the dealer as well. I was surprised by his social skills and also his ability to last so long at the table with just $20 lol.

I went to check on Zai and saw he was still playing, then returned to Kev. He was up $30 now and I knew he should go, but he seemed to be having fun. Sometimes when he was on 16 or 17, he'd ask the dealer a question like "pick a number between 1 and 5", and even though she answered, the blonde's friend at one stage just snapped her fingers at him and said "she has a job to do". That ruined the mood and Kev started losing from then on. He told me he'd try to ask the blonde to borrow $10. When he lost, he actually asked her for $10 and she immediately changed from talkative to "get the fuck away from me" attitude. Just goes to show - money talks and bullshit walks.

We went to look for Zai and saw he was no longer at the table. We stood there looking around. Zai didn't have a phone. I thought "shit", but then Zai came round to us and said he had been looking for us. Kev walked in the middle of us and draped his arms around both of us as we walked around. Zai went to play the pokies and started with $10. Kev played $5 as well but quickly lost it. Zai ended up winning like $72 and I told him to go, and so he ended up losing only $8.

We then left the casino, and caught a cab back to their hostel. We said our goodbyes, and I got into my car and drove to the shop. It was about 1am and I had planned to see Bibi. I wondered though, if I had started them on some sort of gambling addiction. I seriously hope not.

Anyway, I got to the shop, and before I had a chance to ask if Bibi was working, the line up was called in. About five girls showed up, including that girl who always holds eye contact with me, but no Bibi. There was a girl who stood outside the room, almost behind the door and hiding. She was kinda cute. The first girl actually looked a bit like Erica, and I had to look at her twice to make sure it wasn't.

I ended up picking the girl standing outside, her name was Anna. I asked the guy if Bibi was working and he said no.

I went to the bathroom and came back, and then was told Anna was ready. She led me up the stairs, and we went into a room. She was very quiet. I asked her "how are you?" when she came back after getting the towels, and she laughed, making me wonder if I had asked her that already.

During the shower I asked her how long she'd been here, and she said seven months. Other than that, I couldn't think of much to say and it was pretty quiet.

As I was about to get on the bed, she stopped me and wiped my legs down with a towel, even though I thought they were already dry.

On the bed, she did a pretty bad and quick job of kissing my back before asking me to turn around. She went down on me and then got on top of me for a bit, before saying she was tired and wanted to swap. I got on top of her and started kissing her breasts. I think they were fake, because they were really firm. I entered her and she was actually very tight. I could feel her squeezing me a lot, which made me finish rather quickly.

We started talking a bit more, but she didn't lie down next to me like I wanted. She knelt down next to the bed, smoking. She asked if I wanted a drink and I said yes, so she brought back two drinks. We ended up sitting up on the bed against the headboard talking, with a towel wrapped around her body.

She said she had been here three years ago, and was going to return to Korea in July permanently. I asked why and she said because there was not much work now. That seemed to support my conclusion that this shop seemed to be slowly dying, as now both Fridays I have been here I haven't seen another customer, although she did say it was busy earlier in the night.

She asked me where I was from, I asked her to guess and she said Hong Kong, and I said she was right. I asked her how old she was and she said 26, she asked me and I said 30. She said she was old and I said it wasn't. She said it was old in this job, which made me think about how Erica was 25. She also said she was shy.

She asked me where I lived and she said she lived in the city. She said she had four dogs at home in Korea but one died from old age and another one died of something else. She said she can cook, likes to drink soju, but doesn't like going to clubs. She asked if I wanted a massage and I said no.

She said she was tired, and I said she could just lie down and she laughed. She checked out my hand and said it was nice as it was lady like lol. I held hers and she said it was dry from all the showers. I said not to take showers and she laughed.

After a long time she finally suggested showering, so we went. While she was washing me, I looked at her and she stole a glance up at me and shyly asked "what?" I said she looked like pikachu which really made her laugh. As I changed I said she should change her name to pikachu and she'd get more customers. I said I'll call up the shop next time and ask for pikachu, which made her laugh again.

I left the shop and drove home.

I'm sorry, the credit card must go

After the big win yesterday, I couldn't get roulette out of my mind. I realised I was now deeply entrenched in it. I thought about it at work. But I also considered closing my credit card account. I decided I would. I guess all I had to do was keep a bit more money on standby. But if I was going to close it, then how about having one last go, aye?

At lunch time I bumped into Ben, Roy and Matt at the lifts as they were going running. In the lifts Matt was half talking to me and Ben, and Roy was talking to Marcus. Roy glanced behind him and looked at me. I wondered, did he know I was a compulsive gambler? Was that the reason for the look?

That look was enough to deter me from gambling...for the next few hours.

After work I got changed and went to the gym. I got home, and there was about two hours till dinner, so......

I rushed out to withdraw $1000 and rushed to the casino. I found a table, and drained my first $500 rather quickly. Then there was a change of dealer. I hung around for a bit and was even up about $70, but I wanted maybe about $100 more. I never got there. I got killed by a streak of my sector as I was betting against it. Funny how the trend is always against whatever I'm doing.

I walked out, feeling angry, frustrated and depleted.

I'm sorry, but the credit card must go.

Katie lunch

Yesterday I was meant to meet with Katie for breakfast. I suggested 8am and maybe go to the gym together beforehand, but she wanted 11am and not sure if she wanted gym. She called me up on Friday night and told me she had to work in the morning, and that she'd also go to the gym after work so hence 11am. I wasn't too fussed, but we ended up agreeing to 12pm, which I suppose was officially lunch.

So I went to the gym in the morning, had to rush a bit cause I wasted some time at home, then drove to North Stratty to meet her. We met in the Aldi car park, and she looked a bit different to what I remembered, but her voice was becoming recognisable.

We went to a nearby cafe and sat down for breakfast/lunch. She said she liked omelettes but ended up ordering like toast, eggs and bacon. When I said I would get fish and chips she kinda rolled her eyes a bit. Hmmm. We sorta shared our food, and talked about various things. Some of the things that stood out were:

- she said she came first in the State in sales
- it was her mother's birthday and they were going to a dinner that night, and she was thinking of getting her mother money as a present
- she was previously engaged at 23 and her boyfriend was 24 and wanted kids, but she felt she was too young
- we talked about marriage, and she said it should be a partnership, not where one is more dominant than the other, and also that if someone wasn't happy then they should just leave, and that she even suggested for her mother to return to her country
- she doesn't like watching movies in the cinema because she doesn't like sitting in one place for too long and people are always talking, instead, she would rather watch DVDs at home
- she told me how much she earns...I was bracing myself for it to be a bigger amount than mine, but when she said $85k, I thought "goddamn that's not much for a financial adviser" and "heh, I make more"
- she had an appointment after lunch to have her moles removed, she said she had them done before but they came back after exposure to the sun  because she drives around a lot for work
- I gave her one of my favourite hypotheticals, which was, if she lost everything she had, but retained only her financial knowledge, whether she'd be able to make it back, and she said yes, through "gearing", and added that it was a matter of will rather than knowledge

She insisted on paying for lunch, so I let her pay. I said I noticed she liked to pay by card, and she started telling me about how she has separate accounts organised and that. I said I just mentioned it because it wasn't safe to use cards at some places like no brand petrol stations because they might record the details.

We went for a walk along that street, and ended up having coffee/hot chocolate at an interestingly looking place, kinda like a Max Brenna. She went to the bathroom for a while and I sat there and waited. When she came back, I was like "did you know your username looks like 'tensecondom'?" and she was like yeah, and a lot of guys mention it.

We also talked about the social event that M Tran was organising. She said she knows him from high school, and I said I saw that she was going on fb. She encouraged me to go because she likes to network, and I told her about how my job probably wouldn't be useful to people there and how the nature of my job wasn't meant to really be promoted. That was when I told her what my office did and she said it was cool.

She mentioned how she planned to rent until she gets married, and even asked me about my savings. I told her about my plan to go to the bar after my contract expires, and also the possibility of starting my own bball comp.

She showed me a funny youtube video, and asked me to sit closer to her, so I pulled up my seat next to her and we watched and laughed together. In hindsight, I think if I wanted to kiss her that would've been the best time. For some reason I kept thinking the kissing opportunity should come at the end, so it didn't really cross my mind. I did however feel a little uncomfortable being so close...I guess that's just a part of me where I need to really feel comfortable with someone first before being close to them.

After that we went for a walk along the main road and checked out some car dealerships. I said I wanted an Audi A5 coupe, and she said she liked Audis and Lexus. She said she was looking for a new car (Echo), and I asked her what was wrong with her current one. She said it was approaching 100ks, and I said as long as it gets serviced regularly then that shouldn't matter.

We then started heading for our cars, and she mentioned how she was going to Kiama with her friends next weekend because one of them was turning 30 so they rented a holiday house. I said my friend did that last month. We agreed to meet again on 1 June to clean her car. She wanted to go to a car wash and I said we could just do it together since I had the gear. She offered a hug before parting.

My plan was to go to the movies, as I wanted to watch The Call starring Halle Berry, but I checked the session times and I had just missed out and the next one would be in three hours time. I felt like driving to the water side to take a nap, and then thought about the water side near the casino. Before I knew it, I was driving towards the casino and slowly reasoning myself to gamble.

Nah, don't gamble.

Well, maybe just a little bit.

I mean, you got time. You can just go play until it's time to see the movie.

You need the money anyway, you've only got $85 to spend until pay day.

Alright, I'll win $200 then leave.

So I found myself withdrawing $900 and walking to the casino. I found a table with a spot, and the dealer was a lady I recognised. She was old, but attractive in a strange way. She was singing whatever song was playing when I approached. I remember she wasn't very lucky when I had her last time, and this time seemed to be the same. It seemed to be a struggle to just be up $100. I knew I should've left but told myself to just win a bit more.

I went through two other dealer changes and managed to hang in there until I got absolutely smashed by a streak. I was betting my sector and it went through eight non-sectors. I had money for one final spin so I thought I'd finally go with the streak instead of trying to go against it, so bet on the non-sectors. And it landed on...15 - the sector I had been betting on the previous eight fucking bets.

Sometimes you just can't believe that there's no one watching from above, either fate or someone controlling the wheel, that is just fucking you over.

I left, feeling that familiar feeling of depression, emptiness and sadness, wondering why I had even come in the first place. I had missed the movie session time, and wasn't even in the mood for a movie anymore. So much for a new start with Katie huh? If you're serious about this you should save money for the future, but instead you're throwing it away like nothing.

Part of me told myself it was "only" $900, but I didn't want to withdraw another $900 from savings to cover for this shit.

So..........I went again this morning. I was intent on trying to get it back, withdrawing $1000. I knew fully well I could be down $1900 but I was willing to take the risk anyway. That's how desperate I was.

Part of the reason as well (or so I told myself), was that I had sent Katie a message thanking her for lunch and she never replied. It was a grim reminder that things aren't set in stone yet, and for me to keep an alternative aside - Bibi.

It was somehow ironic that as I was driving there, the song playing was "Waterfalls" by TLC - "don't go chasing waterfalls..." Maybe it was a sign for me not to chase losses?

Didn't stop me.

I found a table with a young Indian girl as a dealer. She seemed quite cheery. But I burned through my first $500 with her relatively easily. Then dealer change - an older Indian guy who said "a quick game is a good game" and really didn't give me enough time on most spins to place my chips. A few times when I started placing them, I had to take them back because he had already spun. I thought he was a bit of a dick, until I heard him say to someone "save your money mate".

There were a few times when I had to rush it, so instead of carefully thinking about where to place "extra" chips, I just piled them on randomly. I was starting to burn through my chips that way as well. I had a bit of a win and was now holding $500 in cash chips, with about $300-400 in colour chips. I thought if I lost my remaining colour chips then I'd just leave with the cash chips.....or play colours/columns on another table since this guy was rushing everything.

Despite his attitude, and his soft spins, he was alternating between sectors rather fairly according to the (my) statistics/probabilities. So when it had been twice in my sector, I decided to bet my remaining colour chips on non-sector. Again, he rushed it and I ended up piling extras randomly.

I watched as the ball bounced around and landed rather safely within my sector, but it was yet to fully land within a slot. It finally fell into...slow 26. I looked back at the table to see how many chips I had on 26.

I had...five straight ups and two splits. I did the maths quickly:

(5 x 35) + (2 x 17) = 209.

209!!! How much was 209 anyway? Well that would be ten black chips. Ten? Really? Fuck. I hadn't even fully comprehended how much that was when he asked me how I'd like it. I said "all blacks" and he said "sure why not". It was $1045. And I think I had placed $200-300 worth of chips there.

After he paid me out I said I'd cash in and he said "why not". I grabbed my chips and quickly left the table.

I had $1680 in my hands. That was a gain of $680...but still a loss of $220 from yesterday. Yep, I'll take a $220 loss over $900 loss any day.

The Reunion dinner

"If God had a name, what would it be, and would you call it to his face?"
-- What if God was One of Us, Joan Osbourne

So this was finally happening. After many postponements by Rom because people were either unavailable or unwilling, this dinner was finally approaching. To be honest, I had always had the mindset that I was going to bail at the last moment, hence when the previous postponements occurred, I didn't really give a damn. In fact, I thought it suited me.

However, this time, as usual I suppose, people were dropping left right and center. Some weren't even replying. And I could see this was causing Rom some stress. So I thought, damn, if I drop out as well, I'm gonna look like a villain. So in the end I decided to bite the bullet and turn up as socially awkward as usual.

The one small thing which did annoy me about Rom was how she took people's words literally when people said "yeah a dinner would be a good idea", not knowing they were just too polite to say "as if I'd waste my time showing up". Also, she always wanted to change the time to suit everyone, so if someone couldn't make it, she'd suggest another date, and what made it worse was the person was deliberately trying to avoid it. I've learnt when it comes to organising shit like this, you just gotta set a date and venue and tell everyone, alright, this is it, if you can make it, good, if you can't, then you can't. But I guess she's just too nice of a person.

So anyway, Friday after work, I went home, got the car and drove back out to the city. I found parking rather easily. I realised I had been chomping on some cheese flavoured Pringles and that my breath might smell, so I went to get a box of tic tacs. After that I called Rom and met up with her and Malcolm for a drink at a bar nearby. I shouted, because, well, it was the least I could do.

So we made some small chat before we headed to the restaurant next door about 15 minutes late. To our disappointment, no one was even there. We sat down and Rom was fretting over where the three of us should sit - together at the end of the table, or spread out? I mean, seriously...

We sat together and not long after, RB and his partner arrived. I had been planning this moment for a bit - do I call him Richard, or do I call him Judge? I had decided on "Mr [surname]". But when we shook hands, I had lost it all, and nothing came out except "nice to see you". Hmpf. Dumb ass.

They sat on the Rom/Malcolm side, which relieved me of any more talking than I had to. I'm always scared of saying the wrong things...especially in front of a judge. There was the usual catch up talk, and I told them I was now at the new work place. Apparently RB's partner knows someone there. So when I mentioned something about the person, I said "yeah I think she's on a different floor", not fully sure of whether it was a he or she. His partner's look kinda changed, and I thought "shit, it's a he!!!" and my face went red. But later on I discovered that it was indeed a she, so maybe the look on face was due to her difficulty in understanding English.

After a while Peter came, and he sat opposite me, and soon he went out to get some wine, lol, such a wine bug. We asked for the food to be served, since there was no point in waiting for the others. The food was pretty nice, and later DC arrived. I always crack a smile when he's around, he's just such a jolly fellow. I watched as he spoke with RB, and realised DC is actually quite good looking. I also listened intently on RB's stories he was telling. He is quite a good story teller.

One moment I will always remember about him during the trial was when we were in our defence rooms, someone said something to him about the case and he walked past me saying bluntly "bullshit!" lol. And he was doing that tonight lol!!! Like an example was, he was talking about house exchange for people who go to other countries for holidays, and he was like "for instance, you can't say 'bull shit' this pillow is dirty" lol.

It turned out that no one else was going to come. Avi said he would, but DC said he never turns up to anything lol. Avi is another person I look up to, as he is quite good in court, but does give off that sense of dodgyness.

Everything went better than I expected, and I loved watching how eloquent and witty Peter was with RB. All these guys are really on such a different level to me, something I'll probably never catch up to. RB and his partner left first, and paid way too much. I didn't even know Rom had already paid!

Peter left not long after that as he had to go back to his wife (Kate) and kids. DC moved to where Peter had been sitting, which made everyone feel more comfy. Remember how I said everyone was on a different level? Well the good thing about DC is he can easily interchange from one level to another, so now he was on our level. He was asking me about my job and seemed quite interested.

We all had dessert and then I drove them all home as they didn't drive. It was nice to finally do something for them, especially DC, who had driven me everywhere during the trial.

I dropped DC off first, and then Rom invited me into her place to check out the cats. She had a surprisingly nice place, and her two cats were very cute. I didn't want to stay for long, so I left soon after.

I drove off, now engulfed by the freedom of a Friday night. I thought about gambling, but didn't want to be seen there for work reasons. I also thought, if anything happened and this came out, it might reflect badly on everyone else, especially RB. I mean, to find out that after my dinner with them I went to the casino just doesn't sound very good.

I thought about going to the shop to see Bibi. I actually drove all the way there, still feeling uncertain. But (luckily) I had a tummy rumble and decided my body wasn't in the mood for it, so I just drove home.

My new co-workers are so fit!

Day 2 of more boredom. I spent the first half of the day trying to be proactive by anticipating that a SW will happen in one of my matters so read up on SW policy and procedure.

Just before noon, I went down to the change room with Ben, Matt and Roy for our jog. Marcus joined us as well. I was hoping I could make it to the same point as where I stopped last time, but to my surprise, they started running a tad slower than last time, and I made it further. I actually made it all the way to the Opera House. Not sure how I did that. Once I stopped, I was kinda thinking "shit, how do I get back?" and "how long is it going to take me to get back?"

My knee seemed to be holding up ok. I wondered if I could've kept going. The other thing is, I didn't talk to Ben as much this time. I think he tries to avoid awkward silences, but in reality, I am just too puffed to talk. I need energy to breathe lol.

I walked back most of the way then jogged the last block or so. As I was walking, I thought "damn, these guys really welcome me into their arms, and here I am acting like a fucking gambling addict". It made me want to live a healthy life style again so I could be like them, make them proud, or at least, not ashamed of me. I went to take a shower when I returned. As I finished, Roy and Ben came in. As I was getting changed, Roy shouted "it's run out of hot water".

Oops.

Ok, cold water shower next time lol.

Roy is so fit, during our run he actually took a detour to run up and down a flight of stairs, then caught up to us later.Far out.

After I got back into the office and having lunch, I felt soooo sleepy. Luckily someone came to give me work to do in the late afternoon. I have something to look forward to tomorrow now.

After work I went home, hung around a bit, then went to the gym. My knee was feeling a bit tired, but getting onto the bike was good.

Bored at work

So Michelle has gone on leave for the next two weeks, I only have two matters and both are waiting for something to happen.

I got into the office at the usual time, checked the news, read up on a matter, then had lunch with Maria. Surprisingly she offered a hug when she saw me. It was supposed to be with Genie too, but she had stomach cramps and pulled out just before. I did have some reservations going with Maria only, because I wasn't sure if she was still up for it and I really don't have that much experience with her one on one, so wasn't sure how conversation would go.

We went down to the food court and quickly found our food and table. She asked me about my work, I asked her about her job application (didn't get it) and her work. I wanted to ask about her personal life, but the closest I got was asking her whether she had bought her property (no). I realised that even though I found her attractive, and we would be a good match based on looks and circumstances per se, our personalities may not be the best match. We really don't have anything in common, and probably have a different sense of humour.

After eating, we checked out some shops above and then parted ways.

I returned to the office, and pretty much bummed around for the rest of the day.

Damn, I'm getting paid a lot to do nothing...

You know how people say money is actually not a good motivator? That is so true. If this is what it's going to be like, I definitely can't stay here for two years. I need to be busy, and as ironically as this sounds, I need to be stressed. I need to be pushed. I need to learn new things. Also, I feel guilty for doing nothing. At one point I even went to ask Wongy and Ben if I could help them with anything.

The other thing was, and maybe this was due to the boredom, my mind really got into the whole gambling thing. Maybe it was because I 'won' yesterday. Yes, that seems stupid. I lose $900, win back $600, then it seems like "I'm up". What the fuck is this gambling addiction doing to me?!?!

Anyway, my mind started talking me into it - maybe I should do this once a month? This will relieve the urge, this will satisfy my craving, this will give me my dosage, my hit. I started to mentally indulge in the game of roulette.

One more thing - I was extremely paranoid during the day. What if the surveillance people had seen me there? What if everyone already knew? What if the top management had already put an asterisk next to my name? I even searched the system for related cases and it does seem like they do surveillance. The casino definitely shares intel with them. Would they tell them about me? Would they know? Is my cover blown?

Even though I didn't have my credit card with me (I had deliberately taken it out), I could see myself going home, getting it then driving back out to the casino, especially since I have the car now and I wasn't planning to go to the gym to rest my plantar fasciitis right foot. So you know what I did? I messaged Jim and asked him to come out. He agreed, and we had dinner, and he drove me home. Time passed. Well done.

Eva's house warming / relapse

Did I mention that I played on Wednesday night and Thursday night? My legs cramped up right at the end of Thursday night's game, so I think that is a pretty good sign the games are taking its toll on me. On Friday my legs were sooooo tired.

Anyway, yesterday we had to go to Eva's house warming, as she has now moved out after separating from Michael L. I wasn't sure of what time we were going, despite me asking Shuing earlier in the week. It was only after some fb messages that we decided to go at around 4pm.

My parents were out with the car, but they came back at around 2pm. I had decided to go donate some clothes, but I would still have some time to kill before 4pm. Having been gamble-free for four weeks, the urge had re-surfaced and my mind naturally thought about having a quick gamble.

I drove my mom to the laundromat and then went to the Wick to drop off a suit for donation, then......with $900. I was going to withdraw a grand but the 'good me' said to just do $900 in case I lost.

I then quickly drove to the casino. I had the rush, not only of the thought of gambling, but doing it in such a tight time frame. I figured I could get an hour in then meet up with G and Shuing. My plan was to win back the $300 I had spent seeing Bibi.

I parked near the casino and went in. All the tables were pretty full, but I managed to squeeze into a spot. I put down my money and off I went. I won one game and then lost everything else. I thought I could stick to my 'system', but both the time frame and the bodies at the table made me lose it and rush things. I practically flushed $900 down the toilet in a matter of minutes.

That feeling of losing the last spin is pretty hard to describe. It's like everything happens in slow motion, and it's the moment you realise fate has called you to an end. Even if you wanted to have another go, you literally can't because you're now out of cash. I felt ashamed, dirty, and guilty as I walked away from the table, heading towards the exit.

I also couldn't believe I had given into the urge to do something so stupid. What if there were people from work doing surveillance? How would that look? Your reputation would be gone.

I felt so stupid as I walked back to my car.

Why had I done this? If I hadn't of come, I wouldn't be down $900. Why were you so greedy? What was wrong with just staying at home and waiting for 4pm to roll around?

I drove home feeling like shit, but at the same time I knew I didn't have much time to absorb too much of it in as I would see my friends soon and would need to pretend like nothing had happened. G was already outside my place 15 minutes early. I went upstairs to use the bathroom, and then we went to pick up Shuing.

We all went to Ikea to look for house warming gifts, and we ended up picking out some glasses and this thing used to hold/display cakes. When it came time to pay, Shuing asked if we should use his credit card or mine. Even though I initially offered, I wondered if withdrawing $900 earlier had made me reach my limits, so I then suggested to use his one, and then paid him my share in cash.

I shouted both of them to the $1 hot dogs, and it was quite enjoyable as we ate that while walking back to the car.

We then went to an Asian grocery store in the city to pick up something for Eva, and then drove to her place. We found the wrong place at first, and then took a bit more time finding it. When we eventually found it, I was dumbfounded for a moment - the layout of the yard was almost exactly the same as the one I had been to when I met that girl from the dating site and ended up getting a blowjob. I almost wondered if I would bump into her, and had to remind myself - "that was in Liverpool, this is in Atarmon".

When we went in, we saw that a couple were already there, a guy called Lifi and his wife Thuy. We had hot pot which lasted a while. It was good to see Eva away from Michael L, I never liked him anyway. Sometimes I wondered if I would go for Eva. I just can't bring myself to be with a divorcee.

I thought the dinner went quite well, but G kinda annoyed me a bit. First, he was putting in some seafood into the hot pot when Thuy asked if he could put in some beef. He said "nah, we've already had enough beef" and she asked again, only to have him say the same thing. She gave an annoyed look, and I thought, seriously, how hard is it to just put in more beef?

Secondly, he is always chewing with his mouth open and blatantly sticks his fingers inside his mouth to get food out from his teeth. Then when he had to sneeze, he just turned away from the table to sneeze openly without covering his mouth.

I guess part of me is jealous because I wonder how he has had more girlfriends than me with table manners like that.

After dinner we played poker. I got knocked out pretty early in the first game, but ended up winning the second game. After that we played Dixit which was a lot of fun. Thuy indicated she had to go because it was past midnight, but the game was so good they stayed for a second game, and we all left at like 1:30am.

After dropping the guys off, the thought of going to the casino crossed my mind. I mean, this was technically a new day and my withdrawal limit had been reset. But I didn't.

Today, I gave into that urge. I just felt like I had nothing to do before my game, and I really wanted to win back some of the $900 I lost. Yes, I knew I could lose another $1000, but my mind seemed to dismiss that thought pretty easily. Sometimes when you're in this mode, it's easy to think there's nothing else to do but gamble, because the disease just focuses your mind on that.

Vacuum? Nah.

Gym? Nah.

Wash the dishes? Nah.

Watch an NBA playoff game? Nah.

The only thing you can do is gamble! That is the only thing you can do to pass time! Nothing else!

A serious case of tunnel vision indeed.

So I caught a bus out to the city, withdrew $1000 and went to the casino. All tables were packed again, I walked around for a bit before spotting a space at the end of one table. I went there and bought $500 worth of chips, then an Indian guy had lost and walked away from the table. I quickly took his spot in the middle of the table.

The dealer was a young Chinese kid, whose attitude showed he couldn't give a damn and just wanted his shift to be over. I was pretty even but then on one spin won kinda big, pocketing $400 in gains. Then there was a dealer change. This guy looked a bit demented but I don't think he was. He spun a streak of like eight spins not in my sector, but I wasn't betting in the beginning of that streak, and even managed to ride it a bit by betting on the inverse sector.

After a while, going up and down, and at one point being close to having to take out the other $500 from my wallet, I finally won another big one. Now I was about $500 up. There was another dealer change, and this time it was a tall young Asian lady. I noticed she had a really shiny engagement ring. I also realised I was only about $10 from another stack, so kept playing. I lost at first, and then slowly completed my stack, and finally cashed out when I had made a $600 gain.

I figured, this was good enough, especially given another possible outcome that could've really played out in reality - losing all my money. Winning $600 meant the loss from yesterday was just $300. I can cop that. That is a lot easier to swallow than $900. Not as devastating.

Throughout the whole time I was playing, the pit boss seemed to be hanging around. Not sure if he was watching me, suspecting me, or even if he was wondering how I managed to stay at the table for so long. But that last one would be my best bet.

I cashed in at the cashier, careful to avoid the guy who previously overpaid me. I then caught a bus home and got ready for bball.

Bibi No. 2

So on Friday I was supposed to meet Katie after her work drinks. Actually, I thought it was off because she never responded to my message, but on Friday she SMS'd me asking if it was still on and I said yes, to just call me whenever she finished. Lucky Jim turned down my request to meet up.

Anyway, I went home, then went to the gym, went home again, and got changed to go out. I spent a bit of time dressing up, eventually deciding on my black shirt, jeans, and that Oxford jacket I got ages ago at a bargain price from the warehouse. I realised now that the jacket was a little too big. Oh well.

So I headed out and walked around, waiting for her to call. I was expecting a call at maybe 9-10pm-ish. I went to the harbour and sat down near the water for a bit, then decided to walk near the upper end of town as I figured that was where her drinks were.

I started getting hungry and eventually settled for a Hunger Meal at Macca's for $10. It was pretty good, but felt so full after. I walked around some more, even up to Circular Quay, which only served to remind me of the times I had been there with/for Erica. Hmmm.

Finally, at 11:19pm, I figured it was too late to meet anyway, so I called Katie up and suggested meeting up another time. She said she was at The Ivy (a place known for wanker bankers). I suggested meeting up next weekend, and she suggested Saturday for breakfast as she didn't like movies. So that's why she never responded to my SMS about movies. But how about saying so, instead of ignoring it? Well I guess she tried that with you about being too busy on Friday, but you just insisted.

Even though I agreed, it was only really half-heartedly. I also thought, if she really liked me and wanted to meet up, it'd be so easy to just leave the drinks place to see me.

Anyway, I wasn't too disappointed, as I had decided to go to Naby's shop. I drove there, getting there around midnight.

I was shown three girls. Surprisingly one actually smiled at me as she came into the room for the line up, but I didn't pick her. None of them interested me too much, but I picked the middle one with more feminine looking features. Her name was Bibi.

After a while the Samoan/Tongan security guy came and told me she was ready, and I saw her at the stairs as she started heading up. I asked her how she was when we went into the room and she said she was good as she went back out to get the towels and stuff.

I started undressing and when she came back in, I tried to make small talk, like asking when she finished work (4am) and if she was tired. She didn't seem too interested to talk, giving me short answers, but her English sounded alright.

In the shower, she seemed a bit more talkative, asking me where I was from. I asked her how long she had been here and she said three weeks. After the shower I started drying myself as she showered herself, and then I got onto the bed laying on my tummy. She did the same old routine, including the fake moans as she kissed all over the back of my body.

After that she asked me to turn around and went down on me for a while, before getting on top of me. She had fairly big breasts, which were real, as I didn't feel any of that firm silicon stuff. After a bit of that she asked to switch positions and I got on top. I started licking her nipples and she pointed me to her left one as she didn't want me around her other one. Ok.

When we started going at it, she didn't want me to lean against her at first, but I kinda like that as it creates a more intimate feeling and I pretend she's my girlfriend. But the second time I tried, she allowed me to do it and I finished soon after.

I laid on my back and she was standing up fixing her hair, and I wondered whether she would lie down next to me and talk, or if she would be distant.

She ended up laying down next to me, and we talked. She asked me how old I was and I asked her to guess. She didn't want to at first but then guessed 30. I told her she was right and asked how old she was, and she asked me to guess. I said 40 and she playfully turned away from me in annoyance and I laughed and said I was joking. I said 25 and she said yes, she was 24. I said I was old and she said no it was ok.

Some other things I learnt about her:
- she likes going to clubs and dances after she has had a few drinks
- she smokes about 10 cigarettes a day
- she likes kimchi soup and can cook, she also likes Australian food
- she has been to US and a place near Hawaii called Guam (sp?). I wondered if she had gone there for 'work'.
- she has one brother
- she likes dogs more than cats, she said cats are cute when they are young but look angry when they are old
- I asked her what cat was in Korean and she said "go-yang-yi"
- I told her I learnt Korean for 10 weeks and only learnt how to say "my name is" and she laughed. I said I did it for my girlfriend but we broke up.
- she has been to the zoo and the casino. At the casino she played the big roulette wheel and won on something that had low odds. She said gambling is ok if it is for fun but not to play regularly. She asked me if I played, I said I used to. She asked me why I stopped and I said because it becomes the same after a while.
- she asked me where I lived and I told her, then added it was about 20 minutes from city.
- she works five days a week, and has Sundays and Mondays off.
- she likes the colour black, and when I told her I did too, mentioning all the black things I wear, she laughed.

At one point she got up to fix something with her body, and then asked me if I wanted another go. I said no, and then half jokingly asked her if she wanted a second go. She laughed and said no.

Even thought conversation was going ok and I made her laugh a few times, once or twice I didn't know what else to say and there would be a bit of silence. I had my right arm behind my head which was creating an obstacle between us, but later I removed it and turned around, lying next to her talking. Our legs would be touching each other. I noticed she would put her head down against the bed and look at me, which unnerved me just a little bit.

Her buzzer thing went once and she didn't react and we kept talking. Then after a while the room buzzer went off and she still didn't move, as we kept talking. Finally she got up and we both showered.

She found $2 on the floor and said I dropped it. I don't think I did, because I keep all coins in my wallet and it's pretty secure. I dropped it again and we both laughed.

She said goodbye at the top of the stairs instead of walking me down. As I walked out of the shop, I wondered if she would be my 'next' girl. Somewhat ironic that she'd be called Bibi.

How do I add a picture?

Can you believe my cold lasted exactly between Friday night and Sunday night? It was running like a tap on the weekend (except when I was out at basketball) and then voila! Back to normal by the time I got back to work yesterday. Perfect!

The last few days have been a bit of a struggle Erica-wise. My brain is starting to think about re-chasing her. A few weeks ago I even sent her a message, asking her why she was so sad (because of her status update). She didn't reply. I said "as long as you're happy" and blocked her again. Now I want to contact her again. But I told myself not to. To just let it go. Move on.

In another lapse of judgment, I contacted Katie last night on the dating site. She seemed very eager to chat. I asked if she was free on Friday night, and she said she had work drinks and invited me along. I said no but suggested meeting her afterwards. She said yes. But when I asked if 9pm would be good, she said that would be around the time she starts, and suggested meeting the week after. She suggested Thursday, I said I had bball. She suggested lunch, and I said I didn't like lunch because it seems so rushed. I tried to settle for Friday and then she didn't answer.

Oh well. Fuck you too.

I just read Marc's blog, and he has pictures at the start of each entry. How do I do that?

Some thoughts on basketball...

On Wednesday 1 May, I debuted for Mike's team. I actually didn't really want to play, mainly because I had already signed up to Thursday's team with One, and also because Mike's team had Alex Y and therefore no chances of winning. But I don't really recall how he talked me into it...it just seems like he was talking, I was nodding, and the next thing I knew I had said I would play. WTF.

Anyway, I ended up getting number 23 when Alex gave me the jersey. He gave me 24 at first and I was like "you know what that means in Chinese right?" and then he offered me 23. They were quite nice, but I think my shorts are a bit too big for me.

We played Shittyrail. My main concern was not to get hurt, especially for a team like this. I had even thought about not coming, or just coming to do duty, but they only had five including me, and I thought about Mike's friendship all these years, so I rocked up.

Stepping onto the court, I could hear Mike's younger brother being audibly scared about playing this team. It made me realise how far I had progressed as a player. Although he made me feel old, it also made me appreciate the fact that I knew I could hold my own in these situations. I just knew how to play. I had the experience.

We only scored four points in the first half, although they didn't do much better either. Both teams played better in the second half, and I jacked up some shots I normally would've taken pre-knee injury, but missed wildly on all of them. I only hit a three pointer at the end of the game. I reckon it's been about two seasons now in between my last three point make and that three pointer. Gosh.

As annoyed as I was with Alex Y's shit passes and his constant stepping over the line shooting free throws, what I did like about this team was there was more ball movement. I actually got the ball back after I passed it, whereas with the other team, it would always end up with Alex Z, Bo or One shooting.

We were so shit, after the game their dirtiest player actually apologised to us for playing so rough, saying if he didn't, then other people would rough him up. Hmmm.

The next day, I went for a run at work with Ben, Travis and Matt. I thought I would be able to keep up with these guys, but right from the get-go, their pace was a lot faster than mine. Ben stayed with me, and I tried to keep up, but I found it hard to run at this faster pace and talk to him at the same time. The view was amazing, but there was no time for it as I was struggling just to breathe. When I realised how far they would run (they said it was 7km), it was quite de-motivating and it really pressed on my mind to stop, which I eventually did and Ben went on.

I walked back to work feeling shit, and saw them in the shower. They were nice enough about it, but I still felt like shit. It made me motivated to want to build up my stamina to their level.

Yesterday I went out to the courts and worked on my dribbling. I did all the usual drills that I did before, but it didn't seem to take as long now. I wonder, am I missing something I used to include? After that I went home to shower and change, then drove out to pick up the team uniforms. The guy wasn't home but his daughter passed them onto me and I paid, then drove back home.

There was a bit of traffic, and I got a bit of a headache from all that driving. I then went to the gym.

Today, I went to the courts again, I wanted to work on my shot but it was a bit windy. Damnit, I should've made good use of yesterday's non-windiness. So I worked on my dribbling again as well as the Jamal Crawford shake and bake move. As I was mucking around, I also did this "strong move" to the basket, doing a jump stop on two feet, and in the process felt my right knee buckle a bit on the inner left side. I decided that was enough.

It scared me enough to make me go to the gym and, in addition to what I normally do, go to the squats machine. I think I'll add squats to my routine from now on.

After that I pretty much stayed at home, reading Rodman's book "I Should be Dead Right Now", then took a nap.

Lu

Last Friday, 26 April, I went to after work drinks with the guys from work. Taran sent an email around, and at first I said I couldn't make it as I had plans at 5:30pm, but then he told me drinks were at 4pm. I wanted to go, as I didn't want to be seen as snobbing them off, so I went.

I was a bit nervous and anxious, as I met a few new people, some who used to work there and had now moved on. One of the head guys, Marcus, also seemed to be eyeing me with suspicion, as I caught him looking at me as he sculled down a beer. But I suppose that is typical for them not to trust new people, given the nature of their jobs.

As usual, I found myself being fairly quiet, listening and watching them talk, pretty much until Ben arrived and sat next to me, and we started talking. Turns out he used to live in my suburb, so I think that created a bit of a bond for the both of us.

Also, one guy who used to work there brought along his son. I didn't talk to him but when Ben arrived, he asked him what he worked as, and he said at the casino! I immediately wondered if he had seen me there before. If he had, and he had seen me throw $1000 onto the table, that would raise a LOT of unnecessary and unwanted suspicion on me. I asked him what games he worked, and he said blackjack and baccarat. But I suppose there's still a good chance he may have seen me. I studied his face closely and thought I didn't recognise him, but if I ever do go again (fingers crossed) I will be able to recognise (and stay away from) him.

As time was approaching, I was mentally planning my exit, and seemingly abruptly ended my conversation with Ben. I wondered if what I was doing was right - cutting short work drinks which I could use to bond with my colleagues and instead meeting a girl I didn't know from a dating site.

Anyway, I went to the Starbucks next to the cinema and called her. As the phone rang I looked around, and she waved. She looked relaxed, reading a book. Although I didn't know what she looked like when I asked her out (as a friend, because she came from Adelaide and I suggested I could show her around Sydney), I found her on some apps on my phone when I added her number, and turns out she was short and chubby. I was actually questioning my decision up until lunchtime that day, but in the end I told myself I might as well go for the experience, and it never hurts to make a new friend. Yes, that was my logic.

I sat down and we talked briefly before we decided to go out onto the streets. I took her to Chinatown and showed her the Friday night markets. Just gave her some tips and that about Sydney, and then I took her to a restaurant for dinner, the one Christina and Nunjo had taken me to before. She was a nurse who just got a job at RPA. I asked her why she decided to move just for the job (she said previously she didn't even know how much the pay would be - BS) and she said she had just always wanted to work for RPA because it was famous, which I also suspected was BS. Her family is in Adelaide and I don't think you just pick up and leave when you already have a job.

Anyway, we got along pretty well, but I don't think either of us found each other attractive. I was however, open to having her as a friend, maybe bring her along to the Ele events and that. Although when I talked about it, I wondered if Ele would ever be free for those now given she is a mother.

After dinner we went for a walk to Darling Harbour, and I ended up showing her the casino. I don't know why, but the path to the casino, that route, is just automatic in my brain. It's like I'm on auto-pilot when I go there. Of course I didn't gamble. She said her friend was going to pick her up, so I walked to to Ultimo and waited with her for her friend. She gave me a hug when the car arrived and then I walked off.