Smoothie with Ele

So because yesterday we didn't have court, I spent the day in the city, first in the S court working on a job application.

Probably contrary to my plans, earlier that morning I had messaged Ele asking if she wanted to meet up for lunch since I was in the city. I thought that if I didn't get a reply by 10am, I'd (again contrary to my plans) ask Shuing for lunch.

By 9:30 I hadn't heard anything from Ele, so sent a message to Shuing. We organised to meet at 12:30, and Keen was coming along as well. But before then, Ele replied saying she had taken the day off work sick so she could do lunch, or we could meet up for movies later at night.

I was tempted to pike Shuing's lunch for lunch with Ele, but then felt bad about ditching a good friend, so accepted the movie offer but asked who was going. She said it was organised by Luke, some guy I met maybe once or twice at poker but didn't really know too well, and Tracy and some other girl.

Anyway, I went to the meeting place and saw Keen first cause Shuing was running a bit late. It was good seeing him, a little awkward because we hadn't seen eachother for such a long time, but he was more candid than I thought he'd be.

Shuing arrived soon after and we went to have some Japanese food. It was pretty good stuff, although the bowls were too big which made the servings seem small. We talked about work and Keen's married life a bit, but it seemed that the big issue was Michael L's wedding, even though Keen didn't know him.

Shuing seemed to think that it was a bit odd to invite everyone to the actual registry, and that he may have done it so that we were sham. I hadn't thought ne marriage, instead of a sham. I hadn't thought of that, but it did make sense. Shuing also seemed to bag (in a nice way) about how rushed and shotgun this wedding seemed to be. I mean, I received the email invitation on Friday morning and it's in two weeks!

Firstly, who the hell just sends out an email declaring that they are going to get married? I know from previous experience that women spend lots of effort and time on the wedding invitation, so I feel kinda sorry for Eva for being denied that experience.

Secondly, we are just going to have lunch at a chilli restaurant after??? It seems more like a 'normal' outing than an actual wedding.

Shuing raised an interesting question: how much do we give? His main point was, that without disrespect, the amount would have some sort of correlation to how formal it was. I mean, surely the amount you spend on a gift would differ if it was an all-white Christian church wedding with the lot from a shotgun wedding?

Keen received two calls from work while we were eating, so he decided to get back to work in fear of his female superior who was always hassling him. It reminded me of Nom.

Shuing wanted to hang around a bit more so we went to get a drink, which he shouted even though I paid for it first. We drank along the way back to his work and then walked to the harbour to talk.

I told him about Twish and how I thought she liked me, which lead him to telling me a story about how aggro Linda was at paintball once. He also told me that Michelle didn't really get along with Michael L, which started at her outing on her birthday.

Again, it reminded me of how superficial everything seemed with the group. You look at all the photos they post on facebook and everyone's all smiles, but if you dig a little deeper and go behind the scenes, there are all these small bitter conflicts.

Even Shuing noted it in an email once when he said the group was a bit weird because everyone dislikes everyone else. Like my example was how Michelle claims she hates Bobby, but then the next thing you know she's sitting in his lap posing for a photo. And then there's the G-Michelle thing, where neither likes the other, yet they keep feeling obliged to invite one another to their birthday parties. Maybe it's because I've stepped away from the group, but what exactly is wrong with telling someone you don't like to fuck off, or at least, not invite them to your event and have to pretend that you like them?

Shuing also told me about how G invited a girl he met on an online dating site to his birthday, and how, because of his social ineptitude, she was left all by herself with no one talking to her. He told me about how at the restaurant, when the crab came, Shuing gestured for G to give her the first piece, but instead, G took the piece for himself, lol! And then he said Bobby sat on the other side of the girl and didn't talk to her because he wanted to act cool. So true.

While we talked a bit outside his building about online dating and all that, a girl called Amy who he used to like walked by. He nodded to her and I looked over and said "she looks snobby" and he was like "yes! She is! How do you know these things?" and I just said it was the way she walked. She actually walked with very firm strides and her chin up. Shuing said that stereotypes were right a lot of the times.

Anyway, as we parted I told him about the movies with Ele later that night and asked him to call me if he wanted to come, since he said he had a farewell to go to.

I went to the courts and watched a bit, since I didn't really feel like going home, I thought I might as well use my time construvtively. I saw some guy get sentenced for operating a restaurant with a dirty kitchen, and he got schlacked some #30k, which I think was about the same result I got for a client who did the same thing once, although I'm sure the lawyers here were a lot better than me.

I just thought, goddamn, how is this guy gonna pay a $30k fine? It's gonna put him out of business. You could buy two cars with that.

After that I bummed around on my laptop a bit, and then went home. Because there was so much time left, I decided to walk to the gym instead of driving, to save fuel. I did my abs and cycling. Started off at 60rpm this time and upped it by five every half a kilometre, which turned out to be 8km in just under 25 minutes. So I found out the rhythm by trial and error without any calculations, lol.

I also did the incline benchpress without any weights, just so I could at least feel like I was making some improvements. My shoulder doesn't hurt nearly as much now, but if I turn my head right to the extreme, the pain is still there.

When I finished, I checked my phone and saw that I had a missed call from Ele. She also sent a message suggesting we go for ice cream at the Harbour with her best friend Kim instead, because there were too many people going to the movies.

I called her back, and she answered in that soft childish tone. In an attempt to match her tone, I asked her how she was, she said good and asked me, and I said I wasn't bad in an exaggerated tone which made her laugh. I told her I was just at Wick and that I could meet her at the Harbour at 7:30, which she agreed to. She asked if I wanted to eat, but because I didn't have enough money I just said I'd get something to eat at home and we could go for ice cream or drinks. Once I got off the bus I had to message her delaying the meeting time by half an hour because my bus took longer than expected.

I quickly had dinner at home and got changed, basically just taking off the jersey and basketball shorts I had inside, swapping it with jeans and keeping my big purple hoodie.

I headed out with in good time, withdrew $20 and went to the Harbour. On the way I bumped into Carry at the traffic lights. Apparently she lives in the city now.

When I got there I called her, and she said she was still at home but would be there in ten minutes. While I waited, Shuing called and asked about the movies because he was having dinner with G. I told him about the change of plans and suggested he call me after they finished dinner to see what we were up to.

I don't know why, but I felt really peaceful as I sat there waiting and watching the waterworks. The sound of the water made me feel at peace.

Ele called and said she was at the big cinema, and I said I'd walk over. Because I didn't have my glasses on, it was a bit hard spotting her, but after a bit of a walkabout I saw her. I was a little bit surprised because she was wearing a short skirt with stockings and high heels. It was a bit weird greeting her; with Asians you don't do that kiss on the cheek thing, and I wasn't her boyfriend so I couldn't hold her hand. It almost felt like a distant greeting.

She said she didn't really feel like ice cream but suggested we go for non-alcholic drinks. I felt bad as we walked together because she was so dressed up and I was just there, like daggy old me. I mean, I just didn't know that this was one of those occasions that required dressing up. I just pictured a night of ice cream with her and her friend.

We walked slowly as we talked about her new place. She said the Korean girl worked four days a week and studied the other three days - more information consistent with being a massage girl. I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to lend her a movie but forgot, and she said I shouldn't of reminded her because she had forgotten too, lol.

We talked a bit about how she had been sick these past two days so she had Thursday and Friday off work. She said she felt like throwing up, and her doctor said it was due to stress.

I actually really couldn't think of a place that we could go to for drinks, or at least a place that would allow me in dressed the way I was. The only place that came to my mind was a juice/ice cream bar by the harbour side. So when we reached that place I asked her if she wanted to go there and she said ok. I asked her what she wanted, and she thought yoghurt was a type of drink until I told her it wasn't, so then she went for a banana smoothie and I opted for a mango smoothie. I paid even though I knew this wouldn't leave me much money for the rest of the night, and even though she had her money out ready to pay, citing the time I bought her and Tracy Macca's so she had to pay this time, but I wouldn't let her and said she could pay for my ice cream later on.

She went to get a seat while I waited for the drinks. When I got them I went to where she was, which was just some stools at a bench by the harbour side, looking out to the water and the people passing by. I placed the drinks on the table and asked her to guess which one was which, and she got it right. She said "cheers" and we clinked our cups together.

We talked mainly about her work and how she was feeling so stressed by it. I really didn't mind, because I knew she had wanted to get this stuff off her chest for a while (well, since last time anyway when we really didn't get that much alone time together), and I wanted to really, really listen to what she was saying. Usually when people talk I think about the next thing to say, but this time, I was just telling myself, "listen, listen to what she is saying".

And that I did. When I asked her exactly what her company did, she explained it to me in pretty simple terms - importers and exporters exchange money and goods, and money is held with her bank while the goods are in transit, and eventually transferred once shipment is checked and okayed. I could see why it was so stressful, given the type of money involved, the calculations, and the time difference, plus her boss (who was nice) who wanted everything done in her own priority which wasn't necessarily consistent with Ele's.

I kept listening and listening, and was content with some silences during the conversation, content with looking out into the water and enjoying the moment.

If she likes you, she'll ask you about your work.

Sure enough, I guess when she felt like she had talked enough about her work, she asked me about mine. I told her about how it was pretty easy right now because we're at the end of the case, and she seemed to admire how I could find humour in my job. I don't know if it's because of the nature of my work, or if it's just me, but yeah, I do find a lot of funny things at work.

She asked for a few examples and I just told her some off the top of my head, which made her laugh, and which made me feel good to cheer her up. It was good to know that we could mix a bit of "serious talk" about her work with humour.

At one stage I felt my phone vibrate, and I had a pretty good idea it was Shuing, but I didn't answer it because I didn't want to spoil the moment.

She asked me if I thought she had changed.

Uh oh. Be careful here.

I chuckled about how dangerous this question was. I said yes, and she asked how, and I took my time to carefully think about my response. I said "more mature", and she asked "more serious?", and I said there was a difference.

She said she felt that she wasn't having as much fun in her life now, given work and all that. I guess she was just going through that transition everyone seems to go through when they finish uni and start working.

Her phone rang and she answered it. She said something about letting the person talk to me and handed me the phone. It sounded like some lady, who asked me if I kn ew Cantonese and I replied "a little bit" in Cantonese. She asked me if I was teaching Ele Cantonese, and I laughed awkwardly and said "not yet". Ele felt curious and asked for the phone back.

After the call, I asked her who it was, and she said it was Trexie, her best friend from another place. I thought it was her mother. Nonetheless, I thought it was a bit weird to give me the phone to talk to her best friend from another place. And is it just me, or was her friend talking in a tone insinuating that we were somehow romantically linked?

She also said Tracy was her best friend in Sydney, and Kim, the girl who we were supposed to meet tonight, was her best friend from China. She said Kim had once asked why she didn't just leave Australia if her job was so stressful and go back to China to work. I asked her as well, and she said that they would discuss it when Kim arrived.

I think she still had plans for a movie, because she said the reason why she didn't want to go to the one Luke had organised was because there were too many people and I didn't know most of them. I then said I didn't really feel like a movie anyway (because of lack of money) and she said something like "that's ok, we can just talk like this".

I also brought up Eva's and Michael L's wedding, figuring that it would be good conversation, but she didn't seem to want to talk about it, just saying she didn't get the invitation yet. I thought that was a bit strange. I thought that, because she was a girl and close to Eva, she'd be pretty excited, but that topic lasted the whole of 30 seconds.

She said she did 100 sit ups that day, and I asked her why. She said she felt fat. I told her jogging was better. In hindsight, what I should've said was "you're not fat".

She went to the bathroom after finishing her drink, and I called Shuing. Apparently they were pretty close to us, watching some guy performing on the harbour side. I told him where we were and he said they'd come over.

I guess I could've just not called him and spent the whole night with Ele, but maybe due to a lack of confidence, I didn't think I could keep her interested the entire night by myself. Besides, I had a pretty good run and thought that it was better to quit while I was ahead, instead of having the conversation dry up and ending on a boring note.

When she came back I told her about Shuing and G, and she noticed them shortly after trying to sneak up on me. When they arrived we decided to go to this place where you could play card and board games which served food and drinks. I felt somewhat more comfortable to be with Shuing and walked with him while G walked with Ele behind us.

I told Shuing not to mention the wedding because Ele said she hadn't received the invitation yet, and Shuing said he saw her email on the list, so maybe she just hasn't seen it yet. He asked me if they were interrupting anything and I said no.

We found the place which was on a street I've walked on a million times but never noticed. It had stairs leading up to it, and Shuing walked up first. Ele offered to let G go before her, but G, thinking that he'd be a gentlemen, insisted that she go first.

She's wearing a short skirt you idiot, that's why she doesn't want to go.

I bluntly told G to go and followed, leaving Ele to walk behind me.

Upstairs, we were led to a table that could've fitted six people, and we ordered some drinks and asked for Uno. I had forgotten how to play, Shuing didn't know how to play, and I don't think G did either. Ele, who was sitting next to me, was the only one who knew how to play and taught us. The first game lasted quite a while, and after Ele won she started looking at my cards and trying to help me beat G.

The second game took equally as long, but things were reversed when I won first and ended up helping Ele against Shuing.

After Uno we asked for a poker set and played poker. I went randomly aggressive to start, mainly because on that particular hand it was just Ele and I, and I didn't mind letting her win. She won a lot of my chips but let me have some back, lol.

G lost first, and then me, and then it was just Ele and Shuing. They played for a while before Shuing won. When I was dealing the cards, Ele looked at me and laughed, joked that I was like a robot. I wonder if she has noticed (and liked) how stoic I am. She did tease me, however, about being a "small potato" for having the least amount of chips when the three of us were still in the game. I think she teases for the same reason that guys tease girls, which is strange.

During the night, I couldn't help but notice that Ele's hands touched my hands a lot. I think I'll dismiss it as inadvertent, but it happened A LOT.

We left at about 1am, and I went to the bathroom while they waited downstairs. When I went down to meet them, I heard them talking about me, I asked them what they were talking about and they said something about me eating at home instead of having dinner with Ele. We walked to G's car. We drove Ele back home, which is situated on the same street of that massage place I (used to) go to.

On the drive back, Shuing and I were sitting in the rear, and Shuing asked me about Ele. He asked if I liked her, and used the analogy he used earlier that day at lunch, saying there was a free run to the try line. He said she was dressed rather "prevocatively" and reckoned she liked me, and said "you know her friend was never coming tonight right?"

I felt flattered that he saw things in such a positive light, but I'm pretty sure Ele didn't just make that stuff up. I mean, her friend called while we were playing poker. The biased side of me wants to think that she made it all up just to see me, but seriously, I doubt it.

After dropping Shuing off, G and I just talked about the game we play on fb. He dropped me off at home, and I pretty much went to sleep straight away cause I was pretty tired.

Throughout the night when G and Shuing were around, I did seem to pay particular attention to how she interacted with them. The insecure part of me thought that maybe she treated me the same as them, or even worse, she considered one of them as an option. But, like one aspect of my client's case, I think a good sign of how someone sees and treats you is what they talk to you about.

She talked to you about her work, her life and what causes her concern. Did she talk about any of that stuff to them? No. Therefore, it's probably safe to say she feels a bit closer to you than to them.

Wasted

Perhaps not surprisingly, I didn't sleep too well last night. I woke up numerous times throughout the night, once to the voice of my mom on the phone, and once I banged my ACL-less knee against the wall. Ouch.

But that reminds me, I once overheard my mom talking to my dad on the phone. He had rang her and all I heard was my mom saying "you're useless, call me back when you have re-charged your phone".

I don't know man, but I don't think I'd take that shit. It's not just rude, it's degrading. Given my past failures with women, I think I would get seriously pissed off if a woman called me useless. I think Twish will grow up to be a bit like that. I think my dad has spoiled my mom way too much.

Anyway, I woke up today feeling not as bad as I thought I would. We don't have court today, and I feared I might stay at home to do some self-loathing, but I got dressed and came to court and have finished a draft of my job application with the CDDP. I hope I get this one. At least they have proper funding, and they look like they will get back to you in time, instead of jerking you around.

I must admit, I think my hatred towards women has gone up a point after this experience. Last night, after I parked my car, I saw a girl walking with her boyfriend, and I thought to myself "what, you gonna reject me too?". That same thought occurred to me as I saw women on my bus today.

It is a hard lesson in growing up. I have come to realise that the only thing I should ever love and cherish is money. Why? Because every single other thing in my life has sucked me dry and spat me out.

Look at Fat Pat - forget all those years I devoted to the team, he just walked away when we started losing, and I didn't even get one sympathetic ear about my injury. Thanks.

Then you have girls, who, like Emily/Jenny, used me for my money, and gave me every extra service there was but still refused to go out with me.

Then the casino, they're all smiles and open arms when you walk in with money, but after you lose everything, you're like dirt - they want you out of the place as soon as possible. You're no good to them anymore.

And my mom, of course, if I don't do things she likes or buy things she likes, then I am not a good son. Forget getting into law school and becoming a lawyer, which is what you wanted me to be when I was growing up. It's always more, more and more with her. I can never satisfy her. It's always something I can get, and I can't give. I will always be a bad son in her eyes.

The boy no one loved

I really don't feel like blogging right now, but suppose I have to for the sake of accuracy.

At the train station today, I saw Twish. I don't know why, guess I felt like it, but I went behind her seat and then sat down quickly next to her to surprise her. On the train, she basically had a whinge about how unfair it was that SLA hired someone instead of her, someone who didn't have the same amount of advocacy experience and passion as she did. When we were close to our station, her boss called her telling her to go back to the city. It reminded me of my time with Nom. In a way, I was glad it wasn't me, but in another way, I kinda miss that rush and busy work lifestyle.

We parted at the train station and I went to the office. I could hear a lot of talking from DY's room and figured DC must be back. I walked past and saw him and said hi. I joked "where's your tan?" and everyone laughed. He got up from his seat to shake my hand and then I went away to my desk.

I went to say hi to GS and he showed me the cycling jersey DC got for him. It looked really neat. DC came over moments later and gave me a Giorgio Armani tie he got from Italy. It was a dark grey tie with white diagonal stripes. I kinda knew he'd get me something but that didn't mean I wasn't surprised. I felt so flattered I could hardly speak. They encouraged me to put it on, and DC tried to rip away the tag. He couldn't find the scissors and was struggling, until Kate just ripped it off with her bare hands. South Africans.

It was good to have him back. Everyone and everything felt livelier.

I couldn't wait until court to see the jury's reaction. Unfortunately the tight shirt juror didn't show much reaction to seeing DC again, although later on I noticed him staring at DC. The Tex guy kinda made a facial expression like "oh, you're back".

It was day two of DD's closing. He is probably the most exciting to watch, probably because he is so loud. But his arguments are also very thought provoking, which I like. He finished in the afternoon today, and we will have tomorrow off so the judge can prepare.

At morning tea we went across the road for coffee. I saw Rod and as soon as I went up to him, he introduced me to his boss. GS started talking to some other guy at their table, and looked at me, probably wondering how I knew these people.

Rod's boss kinda surprised me, because he was like "I've been looking forward to meeting you, we must talk sometime, we must talk", and I'm thinking "wtf?". His boss said that at his place, "no one works for eachother, everyone is a partner". As informative as that was, I couldn't help but feel they were a little dodgy, maybe because of their eagerness to recruit me. They made me feel like a celebrity.

I was very relieved when I finally left them to join the others at our coffee table. Some lady collapsed on the footpath in front of us, but she was ok. As we were walking back to court, I returned Twish's missed call, and she said she just called me to whinge about her court matter.

At lunch, I had it with GS and DC. Luckily GS shouted me lunch today, because I'm kinda budgeting for these last few days of August. We talked about the DDP being in the news, which is of particular interest to me because it affects their finance which in turn affects my employment prospects.

At the end of the day, everyone was so happy that it was over. I went to the bathroom for a moment and when I came out everyone except Twish had gone. I left soon after and said bye to Twish.

Since yesterday I have been having serious considerations about whether to see Emily/Jenny tonight. I seriously changed my mind a million times. Last night when I went to bed I decided not to. This morning I decided to. During the day I decided not to. In the afternoon I decided to.

My considerations even included the scenario where I'd try to gamble and win some of the money to see her. But ultimately, my mind said "no, no gambling!". This was the power of love.

I went up to the Wick to get some chocolate strawberries. I found it at the small plaza, and they had two left.

Pefect.

I called to make a booking for 7:30 and then bought the strawberries. At the bus stop, I felt so excited. I realised that this was what I wanted - romance. The opportunity to look forward to romancing someone; not necessarily sex.

I was going to do it. I was going to ask her out tonight.

I went home to put the strawberries in the fridge. I got myself ready to see her. I used Listerine to make sure I didn't have bad breath. I wiped my face clear of oil. I changed from two pairs of socks to one.

I surfed the net a bit before leaving. I put the strawberries in my gym bag and went. I drove out there with about half an hour to spare. In that time, I went to the nearby shopping centre to use the bathroom. As I walked, I saw some couples, and noted how ugly the guys were, and wondered how they could find a girlfriend, and why I was still single. I then walked back to my car to get my gym bag.

I went into the massage place and was greeted by the ladies as usual. I waited in the waiting area for a bit before being taken to a room. I put my bag down, and placed my wallet, phone and watch on the table. I went to have a walk around the room. I felt nervous, and somewhat intimidated by the room. It scared me, I decided I wasn't going to go through with asking her out.

Moments later there was a knock on the door.

We hugged eachother and kissed. She said she was tired and I asked her from what. She seemed kinda surprised, maybe offended, that I asked, and then just said from cleaning in the afternoon. I told her I had a present for her and asked her to sit down next to me. I asked her to close her eyes. She said to put the present in her hands. She closed her eyes and put her palms out. I placed the plastic container into her hands.

She opened her eyes and was surprised. She said she had never seen them before. She struggled a bit to open the container but eventually opened it. She held one and examined it. She invited me to take a bite and I told her to go first. She took a bite. I asked her if she liked it and she said she did. She offered it to me and I took a bite from her hand. We alternated eating it, with me dropping some chocolate onto my shirt and her grabbing a tissue for me.

We finished one and she reached for the second, but then I told her to keep that for herself. We started kissing. I had expected this, but what I didn't expect was tongue. All this time we had really just done like lip to lip kissing. I thought maybe she wasn't the type to tongue. But now, there was tongue involved. And lots of it.

As we kissed and kissed, I thought to myself "you have to have a good chance of asking her out tonight, she definitely likes you".

We kissed some more, and it felt really really romantic, like a couple. We had a shower and then continued kissing, eventually moving to the couch. We later moved to the table. We had sex with a condom, but probably because of that, I couldn't orgasm. I asked her if we could do what we did last week, and she said she couldn't remember.

Not a good sign.

When I reminded her, we changed positions but I still couldn't finish. She tried very hard but I just told her I was tired. I don't know why, I know a lot of guys would've killed to be in my position. I guess the plan of asking her out was stressing me and making me nervous.

I told her I wanted to hold her, and we spent the next five or so minutes holding eachother. As I held her closely, I tried to treasure the moment because I knew it might be our last. The buzzer sounded and she went to take a shower. I showered after her.

As I was getting dressed, I decided to bite the bullet. Now or never. Know now, and stop the guessing forever. She was near the table cleaning up and I was at the couch. As I began to speak, I could feel and hear how my voice was different. It sounded foreign.

Me: Do you want to go see a movie sometime?

Her: Mmm, if I have time.

That was a no. It didn't hurt as much as, say, the NTM one. Maybe because I was kinda expecting it, and I had told myself to just act casual if she rejected me, although I still left open the possibility of seeing her again.

Me: You don't have to if you don't want to.

Then there was silence as I got dressed. She came over and helped me with the buttons on my shirt. She had a bit of difficulty with the button on my left sleeve, and I tried to do it myself but she insisted on doing it herself. She finally got it after a few tries.

There was more silence.

She put her shoes on, and then kissed me. I didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like kissing someone who didn't like me. It was so fake.

She told me to have a good night.

I guess the most obvious sign came as we walked down the stairs. She held the ice box in her left hand, and I was standing on her left. Usually she holds my hand, but this time she kept the ice box between us. Body language tells all.

I was slightly in front of her, and as we reached reception, I turned around to smile at her, maybe for the last time. She smiled back, almost weakly.

I drove to the street behind our house and sat there in silence for a while. I felt like crying but couldn't.

All I want to do now is curl up in my bed and go to sleep.

The plan to ask out Jenny/Emily

On the train to work.

DY finished her closing yesterday, and I have to say, it was pretty damn good. The only thing that went against her was thefact that she went second last, because I felt that, as each team takes their turn, the effect of their address loses a bit of value each time because, as true as it is, the repetition makes the jury cynical. I reckon DY must have the best balance between all baristas. She has the smarts of RB, the courtesy of CW, the aggressiveness of DD, and the pleasantness of GS.

Went to morning tea coffee with GS, had a bit of a chat about his cycling and my surgery. For lunch I ate my packed lunch in the office, then went out to the shopping centre to get an apple.

At the end of the day, most people went for drinks to celebrate DY's finish, but I declined because I wasn't in a very social mood. On my way out I quickly pushed open Twish's door to say bye, and she looked up surprised to say hi, only to realise I was saying bye and then she said bye.

I went home and bummed around on the net a bit before going to the gym later in the night. I did my cycling first this time because the stretch area was packed. It wasn't as hard as I had anticipated. This time, what I did was increase my rpm by five every half a kilometre, which not only made it fun, but also quicker. I ended up doing my 8km in about 23 and a half minutes.

This morning, I felt that my mom was in her paranoia mood a bit today, chiding me for being selfish (again). She wondered aloud how she would pay her mobile phone bill if dad wasn't working, and I casually said "then don't use one". She then criticised me for saying that instead of suggesting that I would pay for it, and also saying that I wouldn't do it for my own phone.

When did I say I wouldn't do it for my own phone??? I had actually given thought to cutting my phone off if I didn't find a job, because my contract is up anyway.

And then she accused me of wanting to take the house away from her, and I asked her when did I ever try to do that. She cited an example I brought up long ago when I suggested that if we ever moved, the new house would have to be in either my name or my sister's name, to take advantage of the government's $15,000 grant. She saw that as an attempt by me to take her house.

Sometimes I wonder how much longer I can put up with all this. Sometimes I wonder what effect all this has had on my life.

I was about to have a go at her, basically wanting to point out that her entire situation was created by her due to her unwillingness to learn anything. Whenever she is prompted to learn, she will say "oh no, that's somebody else's job, I just sit and relax", which was apparently a promise dad made to her at the time of marriage. I decided to leave her in her ignorance.

If she is going to accuse me of being selfish, I want her to question why I'm selfish. Have a look at the cause.

For the past few days I have been unable to stop thinking about Emily/Jenny. I keep trying to think of a way to come up with the money to see her, but, maths being maths, no matter how you twist and turn, the bottom line remains the same. I keep telling myself I will just have to wait until next month, but I fear so so much that she will disappear on me again.

It doesn't help that today is apparently the Chinese Valentine's Day.

Surely if she was there last week, she'd be there next week right? It's just a couple of weeks apart.

My plan is to ask her out, casually, and if she says no then it's no, but I might keep seeing her. I keep thinking about how to ask her. Initially I was going to wait until afterwards, when I'd say "do you want to go out to dinner with me?", and take her to that place Bob, Ele, Tracy and I went to before. But lately I've been thinking about just going for a movie and dinner, and maybe we can do those toy picking machines afterwards.

Eva and Michael L to marry

On the train to work right now, this is like the earliest I have ever been in a long time.

On Sunday I watched Ali. I wasn't totally into it, probably because my mom and sister could be heard yelling all the time throughout the house. But what I did manage to glean from it was that: 1) Will Smith is a hell of an actor, and one of the most versatile; and 2) there are some really good quotes from Ali. Seeing that they've now made a movie about Mike Tyson as well, I wonder if they'll ever make a movie about Michael Jordan, and if so, who will play him?

Yesterday on the bus to work, I was standing and holding onto the rubber dangling things, when suddenly I felt a woman yell out and hold onto the right side of my body. She was apparently trying to get up from her seat for her next stop, but must've stumbled due to the volatility of the bus. Luckily she didn't fall, because she was grabbing onto me. I wonder if she felt that I was a gym-goer.

GS had another matter in the city, so he was a bit late, which meant I was at the bar all by myself for a short period of time! I was pretty excited, even though I was pretty sure the judge wouldn't say anything to me, although I did prepare for it. Sitting there by myself, I felt a lot of feelings:

1) Vulnerable - GS was like a shield, without him there, it meant I was open to attack and I had to stay ready on my feet.

2) Lonely - it's such a big table, enough to fit three people, and there I was, with just my laptop and DY's folder.

3) Sense of responsibility - it was like being the captain of some large aircraft carrier or something. To know, and feel, that you were responsible for that much, I could not comprehend it. Sometimes I really do admire how GS and DC can take on such a case.

GS came back a lot earlier than I expected, which was before morning tea. He just walked in hurriedly while the jury watched on. I wonder what they thought.

It was IN's birthday yesterday, so after I went to get coffee, I managed to join everyone for cake. I think someone joked that there had been many birthdays during this trial, which isn't surprising, since it's been going on for more than a year.

At lunchtime, Rom Rom asked me out to a group lunch. I declined because I had brought my own lunch, and then she was like "awww come on" which was enough persuasion for me. I thought it involved RB as well, but turned out it was just her and Twish. It was probably a mistake to go, because Twish noticed my lunch in the fridge and when we went to our table while Rom Rom was still at the cashier ordering, she said "so what's up with not going to lunch with me, but saying yes when Rom Rom asks you?". I just mumbled some unpersuasive excuse. Not good. Don't think I'm handling this well.

We had a good lunch, but I couldn't help but think how bad of a match Twish would be for me. She actually resembles a lot of my mom - she has a rough way of asking you to do things, she only ever thinks about herself, and she talkstalkstalkstalkstalkstalkstalks like no tomorrow. There really isn't a split second where you can get a word in.

One interesting thing we found out was that Rom Rom's current boyfriend is (or was) her ex-husband's band member. Geez. You never know with people.

At the end of the day, I managed to sneak off while Twish was on the phone.

I went to the uni in the city to prepare a job application, and made some progress, but my internet connection was giving me the shits so I gave up. On the way to the bus stop I ate my lunch and drank my popper.

I went home and then headed out to the gym. Did my abs and cycling, but maybe it was because I've had four days off the bike, my quads felt so tired. I missed out on my 8km in 25 minutes by about 30 seconds. I kept telling myself it was ok to fail, because I'm not in this to race, but to better my knee. However, I couldn't help but push it towards the end to try to reach that goal.

What's worse will be tonight - it's one type of difficulty to train when you haven't done so in a while, it's another when you try to do it with tired muscles.

I wonder what my left knee is thinking - "what did I ever do to you, I'm still healthy! I don't need all this exercise!"

Saw a missed call from Shuing after I finished. I went to get some bread before calling him back. We had a bit of a talk, I couldn't help but feel a bit awkward, probably because of how long we haven't seen eachother. I ended up telling him about my knee even though I didn't want to. He asked if I was interested in going overseas at the end of the year and I said I had to save up for something, and when he asked what it was, that was when I told him.

One interesting thing he told me was that Eva and Michael L were getting married! He said he found out from Michelle who found out from Eva during G's birthday, but it seems that everybody knows except G, because they didn't want it to overshadow his big day. I asked "why is G always the one who is within the circle but out of the loop?".

Anyway, looks like the wedding dinner will be pretty soon, in like a month's time. We talked about whether they were just doing this because Eva's visa was going to expire. I think we both don't think she's the type of person, but we couldn't help but feel it was kinda wrong to get married where that was one of the reasons.

Good for them anyway, they seem like a good match. She's probably the only one who can put up with him.

Short eyebrows

Yesterday morning I thought about a jog in the park, but then decided against it because my knee felt a bit sore from Thursday. I decided to go get a haircut, and thought maybe I could jog there, because I was kinda in the mood for jogging up a hill. So I grabbed only my wallet and keys, and did a bit of stretching before I left. That was when I noticed that my right knee was a little swollen. It could've just been my imagination, but it looked a little swollen. Immediately the image that conjured up in my mind was the one that I read about in Jordan's book where he would constantly have the fluid drained out of his knee just so he could keep playing for the Wizards.

In a way, it was comforting to know that people could still play with a swollen knee. In another sense, it scared me because it showed how fragile I was. Thinking about Thursday, initially I thought that I may be able to sustain this level of play. But looking back, I think I was very lucky to not injure myself. I would like to err on the side of caution.

Anyway, it felt good to have a walk, it was so peaceful. The barber was quite busy, and there were about two guys ahead of me. Both him and his wife were working. I calculated who would get who and figured that when it was my turn, I would get the wife, who was the better of them both. But when the husband finished, he called me, so I guess the guy before me had stated that he wanted the wife. I don't mind too much, but of course if given the preference I would go with the wife. The guy keeps giving me these GI Joe haircuts that were cool only back in high school (or maybe not even).

After that I went to the shopping centre to get a fruit salad topped with museli. I ate it as I walked back home. On the way, I got to see a horse race in action, and they are really magnificent creatures. Their muscles shining and moving in rhythm, the sounds of their feet hitting the grass, all so beautiful. Too bad we humans make them do stuff like this, just for our self interest. For money.

I spent the afternoon washing my car. I wasn't really feeling it, but the thought that it may have gathered dirt these past few days irked me enough to do it. I really love my car. I was so glad when I finished to see it shining and sparkling. Now I can't bear to use it.

My neighbour from unit 5 saw me again, and made some comment like "you're too good" when she saw me washing. It made me feel a little guilty to know that the image I was projecting was completely different to the real one. I could just picture how in court, they'd give character evidence for me, saying how I was just a nice, simple guy, out to wash his car every week. What they didn't know was the problem gambling and the regular whoring.

I had a bit of a nap, which is always bad because it makes it harder to sleep when you're supposed to. I thought about going out at night, but didn't know where to go, and didn't want to use my car. I ended up watching about half of Saw late at night, and then went to sleep.

Today, I stayed at home in the early morning, just eating breakfast and bumming around on the net. Then I walked out to the city to get my sister her birthday cake. During my walk, the devil started talking to me again.

You've got $100 spare, you can win $25 and go. That's a free cake. You'll get the cake for free. Or better, you can win $50, and that'll be a free train ticket. All you need is for the ball to land on your colour and column, and you'll get $75. You might even get enough to see Emily/Jenny.

Shut up, shut up. What if I lose? Then I might not even have enough to live out the rest of this month. Won't it be embarassing if you have to ask mom for money? And putting aside winning, you're never going to cut your habit if you keep going like this.

The thought of losing managed to scare me off, but I fear the true battle will come when I get paid next month. It's one thing to not gamble because you don't have the money; it's another to abstain from gambling when you have the money and choice to.

Anyway, I went to check out the cakes first, then went to the upper part of the city to get my weekly ticket, then went to JB and bought Ali for $10. They had a new Street Fighter anime I hadn't seen before, but it was $24 and I was low on money, so it was pretty hard to forgo it.

I went back to Chinatown to get the cake. On the way, I saw so many Asian girls who resembled Emily/Jenny, I couldn't help but stare just to make sure. I suppose she does have that stereotypical look about her, and further, I don't think she looks like what she looks like in the shop.

My sister wanted a cake with fruits, and they had a white one, a purple taro one, and a green, green tea one. I thought that it was a bit boring to have a white one every year, so I went with the green one. My sister came home shortly after me, and she had a piece of the cake. I asked her if she wanted to wait for mom to get home first, and she said no.

I suppose that's a pretty good example of the way we've been brought up by our mother - formality or manners, or procedures were never important, what was important was getting what you wanted for yourself. And when you grow up like this, it is affection-less. Sure, you get the material goods that every other kid in a loving family gets, but you miss out on what is most important - love. I've always liked to think of the way I was brought up as being a child who was locked in his room, and being thrown things for sustenance and to keep him happy, but lacked any love, affection and interaction.

My mom always cites her purchases for me as examples of her being a good mother, but it is that very thing which irritates me. She is constantly buying me things I don't want or need - so how is that looking after me? To give an example, in high school I always wanted Nike or Addidas tracksuits. I grew out of them once I hit uni, and it was only during uni that she started buying tracksuits for me. During uni I was into wearing hoodies, but for the past year or so, I've (because of the influence of Bobby) started wearing more mature clothes. And of course, she now buys me hoodies which I no longer need.

But let's give her the benefit of the doubt and pretend I like the things she buys me. How can buying material goods ever be a replacement for affection? I am a an affection-less robot today because that was the way I was brought up.

When my mom found out about the cake she chided me for it. Forget the effort I went to getting it, or that I'm actually close to a zero bank balance, getting the wrong cake was as bad as being a non-achiever who never even made it into tertiary education. It's never "let's see the positive side of things" with her, it's always "let's look at the negative".

Just yesterday, I decided to get up on a high stool to change the light bulb in the bathroom. Initially I had given up because the top bit stuck to the ceiling had come loose, and so you couldn't separate that from the glass globe covering it, but I wanted to give it another go. So there I was, standing on the stool high up in the air with a bad knee, with glass and shit all around me if I fell, trying to take down this glass globe which, it seemed, if I squeezed too hard it would break and I could picture pieces of glass stuck in all over my bleeding hand. I managed to take it off and change the bulb, and do I get a thanks? Nope.

I was googling face reading and short eyebrows today (because I have short eyebrows, kinda like Kobe) and found this (unkindly called "poverty eyebrows"):

In the face-reader's handbook, eyebrows that are conspicuously short are a bad sign. Short eyebrows are closely associated with poverty and a lack of affection during childhood and youth.

People in this category are considered especially unlucky because they usually cannot depend on getting any kind of help from family or friends in any of their endeavors.

Ancient Chinese texts on face reading indicate that men with short eyebrows typically attempt to make up for the affection they missed during childhood by being romantically adventurous in later life.

If such men are unsuccessful in their relationships with women, the face-reading texts add, they will typically turn to violence and criminal activity.

I don't know, but I was kinda freaked out by how accurate this seemed. I mean, poverty? If you think about it, I've never really been well off. During uni I was receiving benefits, and even after I was working, I only saved up a few grand which I spent on my trip to Hong Kong. And of course, there is the current debt I am in due to gambling.

And lack of affection? Wow, I mean, it's like this book knew me all my life. Far out. And then if you think about it, what help have I really gotten from anyone, ever? I got into uni myself, I graduated myself, I found the job myself, I succeeded there myself. Thanks for the help y'all.

And that bit about being romatically adventurous, well, it feels like I am trying to make up for what I lacked in my childhood with Emily/Jenny. I don't really see her for sex - if it was sex I wanted I could go see any other girl. I like her because she gives me a level of intimacy and closeness no one else has ever given me. No one.

I am not sure about the violence and criminal activity, maybe that is a chapter I haven't reached yet in my life. But come to think of it, I can get pretty angry when girls reject me.

Thursday comp: 2-9-2

On Wednesday night, after gym I checked my phone and saw a missed call from Ele about 30 minutes beforehand. I called back but she didn't pick up. I wonder what it was about.

On Thursday we lost another juror. There was a note from one of them saying they would probably need time off in September for work, and most people agreed that we didn't want someone there who had a distraction in the back of their mind instead of focusing on the case, so we all asked for the juror to be discharged. Only variations were that DD asked to give the juror a choice, and CW asked to see which juror it was (no way in hell that was going to happen).

I thought it was the bank guy, so I messaged Ele and Michael L asking if they knew of that bank having a conference in September. Michael L replied saying he didn't know, adding that he didn't work for that bank.

Well I know you don't WORK for that bank you fucking idiot, but I was just asking because YOU'RE in the banking INDUSTRY!

God, why do people do that. It's like they have to state the obvious to step on you. I wonder if it shows his insecurity.

Ele replied a bit later, saying something about video conferences to cut down costs. Guess I didn't make myself clear.

It ended up being the big blonde lady in the middle front, which was a shame, because I started liking her. At first I thought she was really against us, but as the case unfolded, she seemed to come around and understand where our clients were coming from.

It was sad to see her go, I think everyone felt that way. It reminded me of a game show where someone gets voted off. It's just group dynamics I guess.

Also felt sorry for DY who continued her closing. I mean, who the hell is going to concentrate after losing someone from the group they've been together with for the past 10 months?

I had packed my own lunch and ate it in the office. It felt nice to have a change, since lately it seems that I have been going out for lunch a lot.

We had an early finish because one of the jurors said they were sick, so I caught the train home to get ready for bball. Sunz was supposed to come. I told him the time last week, but I actually had to call him to find out that he probably wasn't going to make it.

I seriously wonder whether it's me, or is it actually rude to tell someone you'll be there and then not even tell them when you change your mind?

Anyway, I decided to stop by the casino, lost $100 and then left. Probably because of that, I was a bit late for duty, but luckily Mike had his friend come along and they were there before I was.

I got changed in the car. I was planning to play, lightly, if we didn't have enough. While I was doing duty, Abi sent me a message saying he couldn't make it. That was it. I had no choice. I had to play to avoid the forfeit fee.

In the perfect world, my comeback wouldn't have been like this. I wouldn't be playing on this night. In a perfect world, I would've had surgery, spent the next six months doing rehab and practising, then coming back better than before, and with a vengeance. I wasn't supposed to come back like this, damaged and unprepared.

Donning my No.91 yellow jersey for the first time, and wearing a knee brace on my right leg and my trade mark long black sock on my left, I stepped onto the court. I heard the referee say something about taking a necklace off, and then moments later repeated it in my ear. I hadn't even remembered I was wearing a necklace! That's how out of touch I was. I also didn't even remember to bring a drink, but figured it didn't matter since I wasn't going to do much running.

But as soon as I stepped onto the court, everything became automatic. I shook hands with the other team and resumed my position at the jump ball. It was like I had never left at all.

I was cautious at first but soon realised I could run fairly freely, and so I did. I think the guys on my team kept a watchful eye on me, and Mike even told me to take it easy. But I felt good, and wanted to make the most of it. As the game went on, I started feeling better and more confident. The only thing I couldn't do was shoot a jump shot three. When I caught the ball at the three point line, I had the biggest urge to just jump straight up and launch, but I hadn't done that since May, and so didn't have the confidence to see how that would affect my knee. Instead, I launched set shots from beyond the three, which I wasn't even used to.

My first real moment came when I got an offensive rebound, took a dribble back out, then turned around, jumped and launched it. It looked good, but was just a bit short. I had actually jumped over a taller defender to get that shot off.

Hehehe, I can still jump you mother fuckers.

Of course, we got smashed, but it didn't matter - for me anyway. This wasn't about winning, this was about me stepping in. In the second half, I found myself running more freely, driving in and dishing. I made some really snappy passes to both Roger and Fab, which sometimes led to baskets, and I realised how much different our game looked with me playing the point instead of Geoff.

First of all, there were less turnovers. Before the game, I watched the two teams playing during duty, and wondered how on earth I was going to even protect the ball. Everyone was playing so fast, so tough, so rough. How was I, this cripple, going to withstand completely healthy and strong guys?

Luckily the team we played were a bit slow, and I managed to run past them fairly easily.

Secondly, I didn't just take the ball up and lose it or launch a jumpshot. I amde efforts to pass it and then set screens, and like I said, later in the game I would drive and dish, which made a huge difference. After the game Mike even said it felt like we played more as a team that night.

I was determined to score at least one basket. I wanted to show that, even like this, I could still be effective. I was fouled in the air when passing but received two shots. I was so excited to go to the line, and even more excited when I missed the first, but disappointed when I missed the second.

Finally, in the last minute, I drove against a defense which had already given up due to pity, and managed to lay in a little floater.

I did it. I scored two points with an almost-torn ACL.

I felt so proud as the game ended and I walked over to the bench. In my mind, I was comparing myself to Fat Pat - if there was a media, I'd want them to contrast how he ditched a team just because it was losing, against me, who was injured and still stepped in to avoid a forfeit. Two very different spirits.

We sat around for a bit afterwards (except Fab), and I talked to Roger. We seem to really get along. Turns out he's 25 and seems to like basketball quite a bit, even though he doesn't play any other time and doesn't do any other type of exercise.

I gave him a lift to his car outside, dropped Mike's friend home near the train station and then drove Mike home. I had wanted to bring this up during duty but of course it didn't pan out the way I wanted. So I finally said to him, "keep this between us, but in a way, I blame Fat Pat for what happened to my knee", and explained why and asked what he thought.

I knew I was stretching my reasoning a bit, but that was really how I felt and I wanted to know what he thought. To me, I will always look back at that last game on 10 May and see it as how Fat Pat quit on the team, which forced me to play harder which caused my knee injury. He left a team to die. That's how I see it.

Mike made two points: 1) that I could've gotten injured even if Fat Pat played; and 2) it was a forced jump shot over two defenders that lead to my injury.

I agree with the first point, but 1) things would've been different if Fat Pat played (see: Butterfly Effect); and 2) I wouldn't have done that if we had more players. There was no way, and no need, for me to do that if Fat Pat had been there.

But Mike got my point. And he agreed that it wasn't good of Fat Pat to leave a team in the middle of a season just because it was losing, but he did provide me with an insight from Fat Pat's perspective. According to Mike, Fat Pat just felt like it was futile to play when Geoff just did all his stupid turnovers. I could understand that, but I suppose the difference between us is I had more patience for Geoff than Fat Pat. But now it seems, that even Geoff doesn't have enough patience for himself.

We had a good talk, and it was good to get that off my chest to someone who knew the circumstances. He also told me that the team he and Fat Pat were playing on now on Sundays just needed to win the next last game of the season to make the playoffs. I couldn't help but wish that they didn't, to spite Fat Pat.

Look, I like Fat Pat. I even considered him to be my best man if I were to ever get married. He's been a good friend and team mate all these years. But one lesson in life is that it's not how you start, but how you finish. You can be a good friend for a decade, but if you end something badly, I'll guarantee you forgiveness won't be there.

Yesterday at court we didn't have a jury, but we had to attend anyway because the judge wanted to discuss our computer issues. GS and I sat up at the front because RB's team wasn't there. It was quite empty actually. I felt sorry for CW because he was the only one there and he didn't know anything about computers.

I was listening intently, trying to be a poor man's DC, wanting to push GS every inch possible. I did push him a bit by writing a note about how the judge was trying to limit us to a particular period when the evidence didn't show that at all. GS took it up, which I was proud of.

So anyway, we finished before noon, and GS headed off. I stayed back to do a bit of work but found it hard to focus, so I left in the early afternoon to go home.

I went to the auto store near my place to check out some car wax, and bumped into Malay who was there to get some paint. We talked a bit, and he said he was going to a friend's bday that night. I didn't get any wax because it was too expensive, and I'm kinda low on money right now.

I went home and bummed around a bit before getting ready for movies with A and G.

I walked there because it was so close and I didn't want to drive my car. Mid-way there A called me and I told him where to park. I walked around that area and thought I saw him drive past me, so I called him. He said he would flash his lights so I could see if it was him.

I thought I saw some lights flash but asked him to do it again to make sure, and he did so I started walking towards his car. As I got closer, he pulled away, drove into the streets, and then returned further down the street. I was thinking "wtf?" but when I saw him, he told me that when he flashed his lights, the guy in the car in front of him yelled out "what do you want??", LOL! So he drove away and came back at a distance because he feared the guy might damage his car, haha.

I asked him about his marriage and honeymoon as we walked to the meeting spot. He said he travelled across Europe for four weeks with his wife, and that the French were, despite the stereotype, quite nice, but the Italians were rude. A also talked about his work - he was in a new job now, which sounded great. I wonder how he gets to jump around with such ease.

As we were walking along the road, someone came up beside me and when I looked it was G. You could sort of feel the awkwardness between the two as they hadn't seen eachother for so long, and I don't even think they were friends in high school.

I think A actually wanted to go watch the football game because it was on, but G said he didn't, so movies it was. We couldn't decide on a movie so we flipped a coin between District 9 and GI Joe, even though I had already seen District 9. I didn't mind seeing it again, and I didn't really want to watch GI Joe. I think this must be a first where I've preferred to watch something again rather than something I've never seen.

I got a medium popcorn and coke, G got a bottle of water and A got a slurpee. A sat in between us, and I tried to share the popcorn but they didn't really want any. A talked a bit about his work, and G asked him where he worked and then asked "got any positions?" and I felt so embarassed, I felt like sluming down in my chair and disappearing. I mean, I understand that he's looking for work, but come on, you just met the guy after how many years, and you didn't even know that he had just started, far out.

The movie was still pretty good. I liked it and felt the same emotions I felt when I first watched it. Things seemed a lot cleared now, it was like I knew what to look for. But I did, however, sit there thinking about how I wouldn't watch it for a third time.

I was so afraid that A wouldn't like it, because he had hinted that he would've wanted to go to the football game, but he said it was pretty good, so that was a relief. I knew the movies wasn't the best venue to catch up since you can't really talk, but I couldn't think of anything else.

After the movie I needed a lift home and chose to go in A's car even though G offered. It's just that I knew A wanted to talk, so I went with him. Bad thing was that it wasn't a long trip to my house, so we didn't get to talk as much as I would've liked. I asked him if he wanted to play in the Thursday comp next season, and he was open to it. We also talked about my surgery, and he suggested I change hospitals because the one I was signed up for was very busy, and it was normally an 18 month waiting period instead of the 12 months.

Well, I'm sure glad he told me that, because now I'm going to have to think about changing hospitals.

The drive to achieve

After last night's entry, I went to the gym and did my usual abs and cycling. On the bike I set the target to 8km and started off with my right knee feeling a bit funny. It felt awkward, out of place. It took a while for it to get warmed up and jolted into its normal position.

What I like to do is set the display to show the time left to completion. So because my goal is distance, the time remaining depends on how fast I go. And because I discovered that they have set the machine so that you can only be on it for 25 minutes max, I have decided to always try to complete the 8km within the 25 minutes.

Because I started off slow, I had a bit of catching up to do. But the thing is, I always tell myself not to push it because the integrity of my knee comes first. So in effect, I tell myself to forget it even if it means not reaching my goal of 8km within 25 minutes.

But what I find is that I always, always try to reach that goal, no matter what. Further, I always try to better myself, instead of remaining content. For instance, I might average 75rpm and I tell myself to be content with that and just do that the rest of the way. But then I find myself going 80rpm, and telling myself that I can't go below that. Then I reach 85rpm, and I won't allow myself to go below that, and so on.

So it's a constant push for achievement. This got me thinking. Perhaps my gambling problem is a mere symptom of an underlying, bigger, more significant personality trait: competitiveness.

It's no secret (on this blog anyway) that I'm a competitive person. And Michael Jordan developed a gambling addiction out of his competitiveness. So maybe what I do isn't necessarily for greed, but just for competition.

Anyway, I guess it doesn't excuse the behaviour.

After gym I went out to get some cheap petrol for my car.

This morning I got to work just on time. By the time I got to the office GS had already gone up to court, and when I went up, he joked I was a minute late. I think that was too close of a shave. I just find it hard to motivate myself when I'm required to do zilch at work.

DY started her closing today. I was very impressed. The better she does for her client, the better it is for my client, hehe.

At morning tea, I decided not to go with GS, saying I had to get something to eat because I missed breakfast (which was true). Instead I went to the chocolate shop. I didn't really know what my goal was. I think I just wanted something to take my mind off Emily/Jenny.

On the way there, I actually saw Twish coming from the opposite direction.

Shit! I've been caught!

Luckily she had her music on and didn't see me. I slipped by quietly and around the corner I went towards the shop.

As soon ass I went in, the main lady greeted me. I just asked for a short black and a piece of chocolate. She asked me how my day was so far and I just said it had been alright. I asked her whether she made the chocolates herself and she said they came from Melbourne.

There was a girl with her back to me making coffee.

Could that be her? Could that be the cute one?

Nah, doubt it. It doesn't look like her.

Yes it does.

God, turn around, turn around!

She finally turned around and handed me my coffee. It was her! We made eye contact as she passed the coffee, but I think it was more neutral than anything.

At lunch, I was on the phone checking the message V had left when he called while I was in court. Rom Rom asked me if I was going out for lunch and I said yes and waited for her. My plan actually had been to go to the shopping centre to get some bread from that bread shop for lunch, so I could get one of those pineapple kisses that Emily/Jenny gave me. I just wanted something to remind myself of her.

Anyway, so Rom Rom and I went to lunch. I shouted her because I still owed her a lunch and I felt uneasy about it. Twish came by, but didn't end up staying because she said the line was too long. I don't mind having lunch with her as long as it's with someone else.

We had a really good chat, just about stuff. She asked me what I planned to do after the case and I said I might go work with my friend (John).

After court, everyone left fairly quickly, and when I was locking my door, Twish walked by and said bye. I was glad that she didn't offer me a lift or anything. Maybe she had gotten the message. I felt cruel, but it had to be done.

I caught the train out to the city and missed a call from V. I called him back and we started talking. I thought I saw a girl like Emily/Jenny walk into a shop on the main street so I stood nearby while I talked to V but never saw her.

I think I am a real idiot. I disclosed to him, in confidence, that I was thinking of working with John. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't want to tell anyone within that circle. But what surprised me was that he warned me against it, saying John wasn't all that trustworthy.

Further, when he asked me how I was going to get work, I told him I'd ask my close client (HK client) to spread my card around, and he laughed and said "that's funny".

Ummm...what's so funny?

Oh well, I guess you can laugh now. It'll just provide me with more motivation. We'll see what happens in a few years' time.

I couldn't help but think what a mess I had created, and that this could all be solved and avoided if the DDP would just give me the damn job.

After the call I walked around the city a bit, not really wanting to go home. I finally found the two breadshops that Emily/Jenny may have gone to. I actually saw a Korean girl there who looked a bit familiar. Hmmm.

I even thought about going to see her again this week. And even gambling to get the money to see her. I gave thought to how I could finance a visit.

But then I tell myself to resist. She only works Mondays to Thursdays, so if I can just resist tonight and tomorrow, I'll be safe for another week.

Must...resist...

More woes in 2009?

My dad asked me to call the job services office to let them know he wouldn't be attending the appointment because he was now working.

I called them up, and the lady asked if my dad was still receiving C-link payments. I said I didn't know, but I'd call my dad to ask.

I called my dad, and after a few rings, the phone answered, but there was no greeting. Instead, after a moment's silence, I heard my dad say something along the lines of "don't play with the phone", and a female giggled.

The call ended.

I think I am in love

Yesterday at work was just more of CW's closing. At lunch Twish asked me to go eat with her, but I said I brought a sandwich, which I ate in the office. Sometimes I just enjoy staying in and having my simple sandwich - it's just bread, butter and ham, with a fruit juice popper.

In court the judge and CW had this big argument about CW wasting time, which I thought was unfair. Every criticism the judge laid against CW applied equally with the Crown. I'm not even disgusted anymore, it's like I'm used to this judge being biased.

After work Twish said she drove and offered me a lift, but I just flat out refused. I was afraid she'd come asking again once we were in the office, but luckily I spent the time inside GS' room drafting up an email, and by the time we finished everyone was gone. I had hoped she got the message.

I left just before GS as I had to rush to Medicare to claim back some money, which I did. On my way there I called up the massage place and asked if Emily/Jenny was working. She was. I made a booking for 7pm.

I kept thinking about it.

Yes, I'll get to see her tonight! Should I get her a gift? What about the chocolate strawberry?

I tried to control myself everytime I felt like I was trying to rush something. I went home, grabbed my gym stuff and drove out. I went to the casino, won $50 and got the hell out of there.

I went to the massage place. I was led to the room first where I was told she'd be here in ten minutes. I walked around the room checking stuff out, waiting impatiently while contemplating how I should look when she finally comes in.

A bit more than ten minutes later, there is a knock on the door. She looks surprised to see me. We did not go through the usual procedural massage. Instead, and apart from the shower, we acted like lovers. Boyfriend and girlfriend. We made out, but we did not have sex. It was close. I asked her for a condom, and even though she got me one, I asked, and she said it was enough, so I didn't push it.

Afterwards we had a tiny bit of time left. Because earlier I had asked if she wanted a massage (she declined, but it was clear she considered it), she now brought it back up and asked for one. She laid face down on the table and I got on top, and carefully but amateurishly massaged her. It was a lot harder than I thought. I can't believe that after receiving all these massages, I hadn't learnt a thing!

We jokingly played out our roles, lol. She asked me where I learnt my massage skills, and I said Korea. I told her I had been doing it for five years since I was 18.

At the end, while I was tying my shoelaces, I felt that I had to have a go. A go at letting her know my interest. I started to talk, and then felt my voice crack, as if I was about to pour my heart out.

"Can you tell me next time you go to Korea?"

Ok, that sounds too desperate.

"I will get you a present".

Good recovery. Sort of.

She said ok, and then joked "tomorrow". I gotta give it to her, she does have a sense of humour/cheekiness about her.

I asked her what I should have for dinner even though I knew I was just going to eat at home. She reached into her bag and gave me this tiny packet which I thought was like a mini-cake. It said "pineapple kiss" from Bread Top.

I felt...I can't explain how it felt. At the very least, I was happy. But much beyond that. Beyond words.

When we did our goodbye hug, I said she had to book me next time, for a minimum of two hours. She said she would book me for the night. We held hands as we walked out and said goodbyes.

I got into my car and started eating the cake. It was very crumby, so I got out and stood outside my car to eat it. It didn't taste very good, but I ate it with devotion because she gave it to me. I finished every little bit and kept the packet.

I then went to the gym and did my abs and cycling. I went home to eat a chicken sandwich. I don't know why, but I cried a bit as I fell asleep. In a way, it was happy tears. But I had this picture in my mind where I'd be with her in the city, and she'd be telling me that she would have to return to Korean so that that was our last time together. I'd kiss her on the hand and walk away, crying, disappearing within with city crowd.

This morning I went up to the hospital at Wick to drop off my hospital admission form. Even as I walked through the hospital corridors, I felt scared. Scared of the day of the operation, even though it would be yonks from now. I thought about crying and telling Emily/Jenny of my fears. No one knows how scared I am.

I got lost a bit but eventually found the admission office and handed the form in. I got lost on the way out as well, but made it to the office about 15 minutes before court started. I even had time to deposit my coins at the bank.

Court was as usual today. There was another argument between the judge and CW, although I think this time it was stirred by the Crown. It's amazing to watch the judge's body language. I can't believe how obvious he makes it. It's all open and friendly towards the Crown, but arms crossed, defensive and hostile with CW.

I went to morning tea coffee with GS who joined DY, CW, PL and others. It's always good to sit in and watch them chat. They're all very funny.

Twish didn't ask me about lunch, so maybe she got the message. Or maybe she saw my sandwich in the fridge. I went out at first to get a pack of sour cola lollies and an apple, then returned to the office to eat my sandwich.

At the end of the day, Twish asked if I was catching the train, and I gave a reluctant "yeah...", unable to think of an excuse. Downstairs in the office, I timed myself so I'd escape with GS, and it worked, hehe.

I ate my apple as I walked out with him, and we saw the jury bus, lol. I parted ways at the shopping centre as I took a walkaround. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just felt like browsing. I went to two bookstores to look for inspirational books which might be good for Ele, but didn't find anything good.

I caught the train to the city, and once I was in the city, decided to look for that breadshop where Emily/Jenny may have gotten that pineapple kiss. I know I've seen that shop around before, but never really paid much attention to it because I never had any reason to go to it. And now I couldn't find it. Oh well, I enjoyed the walk around the city. I realised that I was at peace with myself. On the train, I wasn't listening to any music. No Eminem.

And then it hit me - that hatred and anger inside me had gone.

There was peace and content within me.

I think I am in love.

I know it is wrong. I know it won't last. And I know it'll end with me crying in tears and being heart broken for the next few months or even years. But I cannot help it.

But you know what the shitty part of it is? Usually when I feel this way towards someone, they don't feel the same towards me.

The Departed

Yesterday morning I put on my knee brace and went out to the courts for a bit of a shoot around. It felt good to be out there, really peaceful. I remember thinking, back in the past when I was healthy, that it was all worth it if I ever went down with an injury. I knew the risks, and I accepted them. Looking back, I knew how right I had been. If someone had said "I'll give you the chance to turn back time and not tear your ACL, but only if you never play basketball", I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't change a thing. It's the joy of my life, and I felt lucky to have been in it for so long.

Anyway, there was a kid shooting around on one court, and a big caucasian bloke on another. Later on an Asian started shooting around on another court. The kid soon organised a two on two. I agreed, but told everyone I'd be a bit slow because of a knee injury. They were cool with it.

The first game was the kid and I against the other two. We got smashed. I did admire the kid though. He was probably around 15 years old, and he never gave up on plays, always wanting to score against the big caucasian. I hope he keeps practising and working on his game, because it'll pay off.

Next we changed teams where it was me and the big caucasian guy. We won fairly easily, mainly because he barely missed a shot. I was so cool with playing second banana. In terms of my own performance, I didn't do too bad. I could still jump and shoot over the kid (not sure if I should be proud or not), and I was fairly mobile for a half court game, although I'd get humiliated in a full court game. I didn't hurt myself at all, but after a few games I knew it was time to quit before I really got into it and went too far.

I went home and did some more polishing on my car. I polished the front and the front left. As I was doing it, I realised how in love I was with the car, as evidenced by the time spent polishing and cleaning it thus far. So I was sad to think that, if worse came to worse and I couldn't make a living in the next month or so, the car could be re-possessed and taken away from me. I wonder if I would drive away and evade the law.

I then had a shower and went to do some shopping. My mom borrowed my weekly ticket, so I walked up to the Wick. I also was in nomad mood so I felt like walking. I got some groceries from the supermarket and a weekly ticket and caught the bus back home. I made myself a chicken sandwich, and then watched The Departed.

Goddamn that was such a cool movie. I can't believe it, I managed to get three out of three good movies!! I thought I would've at least picked a lemon. Great performances by Di Caprio, Nicholson, Damon and Wahlberg. Loved how he played the rude bastard - my favourite scene was him walking past Damon's window with his finger up, lol!

And that chick Vera Farmiga was soooo hot! She was like the CLE type of hot, you know, so smart and sexy. Why can't I meet someone like that? God I wish I could meet someone like that.

I didn't like it, though, how everyone kinda died at the end. What movie have I seen where everyone dies at the end? Maybe I'm thinking of a TVB series.

District 9, and cardboard boxes

On Friday night, I returned Michael L's call, wondering what he wanted. Turns out he wanted to see if I was available for a movie (District 9) the next day. I tentatively agreed, but said I could confirm later, wanting to know who else was going first. Throughout Friday night, I thought about it in the back of my head, and ultimately agreed.

He said no one else was available, and I was ok with going with just him. Besides, I hadn't seen him in a long time. I asked him if he had asked Ele annd Tracy, and he said that Ele was busy, and he hadn't asked Tracy.

On Saturday morning, I messaged Tracy asking her if she wanted to join us. I then went for a jog. It wasn't the best jog in my life. I started out ok, but soon after I reached the cafeteria, I felt some discomfort in my knee. I continued a bit longer before deciding to call it quits for the sake of my knee.

Towards the end, I did try to lightly hop and skip on it. Skipping was ok, hopping made it feel vulnerable. I even tried to sprint. I couldn't do it like I used to. I couldn't sprint fluidly. I ran like one of those stiff guys, like Shawn Bradley. As much as I tried, I couldn't get the fluidness back. It made me happy to think I had come such a long way from limping. It made me sad thinking about what I was capable of in the past.

I went home and saw a reply from Tracy saying she was interested and asked what movie. I also received a missed call from an unknown number, which turned out to be Ele. I had deleted her number after that night on MSN when she just went offline on me. The next night she was online and apologised, saying she was in a grumpy mood, and then went offline again. I thought maybe she wanted me to call her up to talk. Or maybe not.

I checked the voice message left by her, and she was asking me out to yum cha. I thought it was strange. She told Michael L she was busy and here she was asking me out to yum cha? I called her back, and she said she had called Michael L after me and he told her he was meeting up with me so they agreed to have Japanese before the movie. She also said she wanted to talk.

In the shower, her soft, childish voice saying she wanted to talk kept repeating in my head.

Talk? Talk about what?

My guess was she wanted to talk whatever was making her stress, which was most likely her work. But I couldn't help but think in the back of my mind that maybe there was something more. Also, was this a sign that I had entered the no-return friend zone, or was it a sign that she was a little bit more comfortable with me?

After my shower, I got dressed ready to leave. I deliberately left my hair ungelled, and just wore my favourite hoody with jeans. Gone were the days of Bob's fashion influence of wearing tight clothes to impress girls. Stuff that.

I drove to her place and gave her a call. I waited a few moments before seeing her run out and then slow down as soon as she saw my car. She wore an open cardigan with a shirt underneath. I think it was really the first time I noticed how big her breasts were.

When she got in, I drove off and we talked about what had happened with the plan. She said Michael L had asked her about the movies and she had declined without even knowing when it was, laughing. Then when she found out I was going with him, she changed her plans from yum cha to Japanese. She said Tracy wanted to skip lunch and would join us later for the movie.

Because I knew this would be one of the few moments we would be alone together, I asked her how work was, intending to get straight to the point of her troubles even though it probabaly was too early. She said it was good, but stressful. Even though she deferred her CFA course before, it now starts in December and she doesn't see the time for it.

She also said she was moving to Ultimo next Saturday, which surprised me. She said it was so she could save time travelling to and from work. She would be living with about four others, including a Korean girl. That was a flag for me. Korean + female + Ultimo = prostitute. No joke.

I told her that even though the meeting time was 1pm, the movie actually started at 1:45. She then suggested that we'd have enough time for yum cha, and I was like whatever. So she called Michael L and arranged for him to wait for us so we could pick him up and drive to yum cha instead.

She brought up my birthday and said that I didn't invite them to it. I was a little flattered that she remembered my birthday. I chuckled a little and then told her I didn't celebrate it.

I got to the shopping centre and found Michael L. As he was entering, Ele was talking about her work and didn't even stop to say hi to him, and just kept talking, ignoring his greeting. He managed to join in the conversation when it came to mistakes at work, saying he once forgot about a $10m trade. Geez.

We drove to the restaurant which was nearby. The car park was completely empty, and once inside, there was only one other table, with another coming in soon after us. It wasn't the type of yum cha where they pushed trolleys around - you had to order from a menu.

Ele told me what she wanted in the best Cantonese she could muster, and when the waiter came around I used my Cantonese to order.

The food was ok, it wasn't the best. Michael L actually brought up the subject of romance in relations to Ele, saying Eva had said that she should move on from her boyfriend if they weren't going to see eachother, instead of making other people waiting. I wondered who these other people were. Ele basically said she didn't want to talk about it. Well, not with us anyway. Don't know why Michael L would bring that up as a guy.

We talked about eachother's work as well. At one point we got to talking about phones, and Ele asked to see mine. I wasn't sure if I had any 'incriminating' messages of recent calls, so I refused. I was pretty sure I didn't, but I mean, I wasn't sure if calling that massage place was in one of my recent calls, and I didn't want to be interrogated as to what that label in my phone was. Besides, I thought, it added a little mystery to myself.

I asked to see her phone because she had changed phones, and she showed me. I didn't look through anything, but I did use it to take a photo of her eating, lol.

Michael L kept rushing us because the movie was starting soon, but I didn't really care that much. I mean, they would always have later sessions. When the bill came, it was like $23 each, but we all had $50 notes, so Ele and I put our notes in. When the change came, I gave most of it to Ele, meaning she paid the right amount and I paid for Michael L's.

Tracy then called Ele saying she probably wasn't going to make it because her bus came late. We decided to go pick her up and while Michael L looked up session times on his phone. It was interesting to note that Ele had taken the front passenger seat.

We eventually picked up Tracy on some corner because she ended up catching a bus and then getting off at a later stop. We decided to get the 4pm session at Bondy. As I started to drive off, I was thinking about how this had turned into a bigger adventure than I thought. I mean, when I was still under the impression that it'd be just Michael L and me, I even considered catching a bus instead of driving.

So Tracy is working now, and I could feel Ele's temperament being tested (although she stayed silent) when Tracy complained about how hard work was and that she now got home at 6pm (yes, 6pm!).

I guess it's because I hadn't seen Michael L in a while, but I thought he had changed. Apparently not. He was still the backseat driver, occasionally throwing in a comment (read: criticism) about my driving. Because I wasn't very family with the shopping centre car park at Bondy, I just went with the route I was familiar with, which was kinda on the other side of the cinema, and lo and behold, I copped a critique from Michael L about it. I ended up finding a really good spot right near the entrance. I was a bit nervous parking, even though I had done it so many times before. I guess because there were passengers in my car, in a way it was kinda like performing on a stage.

Because we had a bit of time before the movie started, we walked around a bit. Michael L wanted to check out Borders, so we went there. Ele and I ended up splitting from them as we browsed through the store together. She had talked about the book 'The Ugly Truth' earlier, and I said she could show me. She asked the staff member about it, but he couldn't make out her broken English so he asked her to type it in the search computer. She could barely spell it correctly and needed help from me. Turns out the book was not in store as they were waiting for more stock.

We walked to I think it was like the self-help section, where she showed me a book called "He's Just Not That Into You". I flicked through it and pretended I was interested, and then found another book for men on attracting women. I picked out a quote which said that more than 50% of women didn't care about a guy's appearance, saying attitude was more important. I asked her if she agreed, and she said yes, the guy just needed to be tidy. I gave her an extreme example of my face being burnt with my eyeball hanging out and she laughed and said that would matter.

We walked elsewhere and she started telling me about her work problems. She told me how she liked watching 'How I Met Your Mother' and there was this bit about a guy who had a lot of bad luck but eventually found happiness, and she asked something about going with the flow in life or going out to create your own goals. I told her it was a matter of personality for some people, as some are natural followers and some are natural leaders.

She also talked about some work social function and how she didn't like to kiss ass while others did. I don't know, I found that I treated her a bit like Twish, where I'd tune in and tune out sometimes. Well I mean, I tuned in more with Ele than Twish, but I just didn't feel the same level of attraction as I did before. I still had hope that she would like me, but I wasn't obsessed like I used to be. I guess time changes a lot of things.

We went upstairs to see what was there. I thought it was just Gloria Jeans, but they had a movie section as well - my specialty! I wanted to show her some good movies, but they didn't have many, so I showed her Frost/Nixon and told her about it. She seemed pretty interested and I said I'd lend it to her next time. Also told her about Sliding Doors and she seemed pretty interested in that too, so I thought that'd be a good one to lend her. It was only later that I realised I had given Frost/Nixon to my dad to take back to SA to watch. Oh well. I didn't want to lend it to her right now anyway because I feared she might lose it during the moving process.

She also told me she was now enrolled in a commerce degree, studying business law.

Tracy called Ele and then found us. We found Michael L, and then they wanted to get some drinks. Tracy had been craving for some cake. So we went to the food court below the cinema, and Michael L and I waited while the girls checked out the stores. Tracy got a coffee and cake, and Ele got a boost juice. I went to the toilet and Michael L also got a boost juice when he saw what Ele got. I had my mind set on coke and popcorn, so didn't want to eat anything to spoil my appetite for that.

I noticed Ele went quiet while we sat, with only Tracy and Michael L talking. Ele was kinda looking around.

Up in the cinema, we got our tickets. I got my medium popcorn and coke and was ready to go. It was in one of those big, luxurious cinemas. Michael L sat on one end, with Ele next to him and then me and then Tracy. I swear the screen was so bright it basically lit up the whole cinema.

Tracy kept checking her phone throughout the movie, which I thought was a bit rude. Because there was a little platform thing between Tracy and me, I placed my popcorn there, although she never took any. I offered some to Ele a few times and she was always receptive with a smile, and Michael L only took some once.

The movie was actually quite good, even though I thought it was different from what the trailer showed. There were some really gruesome moments which reminded me of Saw, like when they were about to take the guy apart piece by piece, and when that Afircan dude wanted to eat his arm.

Throughout the whole movie, I thought about how cruel the human race was. I am sure that if any aliens came to our planet, we would glady dissect them in the name of science. But if we were ever stranded on another planet, cutting us up would of course be a blasphemous thing.

It also showed how self-interest can change a person's view, and this was conveyed beautifully by the main character, who at first didn't give a rat's ass by evicting the prawns, but once he became one of them, he could empathise with them, which was most blatantly illustrated when they forced him to test their weapons on a prawn and he refused, saying the prawn hadn't done anything wrong.

It's something I see in my work. I remember a client was caught on CCTV glassing another guy. The mother was so delusional she went as far as to suggest that that wasn't her son, and at court she said that all jurors should be equipped with state of the art television sets to see the video clearly. Of course, if it had been her son who was the victim, I am sure her views wouldn't be nearly as the same.

I felt sorry for the main character, I thought he was going to escape with the prawns. It was so sad that he kept making flowers for his wife even after he had completely transformed. I really hated that bald guy, I hate anyone who abuses people who are at a disadvantage.

I sometimes looked over at Ele, hoping to share a moment with her. I tried to do it when the gruesome bits came on, as a way of providing comfort or comic relief, but it never happened. It was only towards the end that we looked at eachother and sort of laughed.

After the movie, Tracy said she had received an email from G about his birthday dinner next Saturday.

Ele said she needed to find some cardboard boxes for packing, so we went around to some supermarkets asking for them, but they all said we were too early for it. There was talk about dinner, but it didn't eventuate because Tracy had to fix her laptop and Ele had to pack, so I drove them home and then dropped Michael L off (he had sold his car) with a few more criticisms about my driving.

Instead of going home, I decided to go look for cardboard boxes for Ele. I drove to the Bra and asked the supermarket there, but they said I was too early. I then walked around the streets, and especially dark backstreets looking for cardboard boxes. I kinda felt like a criminal, which was kinda exciting. In one dark lane, I stopped to check out some rubbish, only to realise later on that there were a group of guys huddled up talking in a car park next to the pile of rubbish, looking at me to see what I was up to, lol.

I did a far bit of walking, searching, but the best I could find were boxes that had been flattened. I then drove up to the Wick to look there. I parked my car in the shopping plaza car park and, fearing that the supermarket would tell me I was too early, I decided to go for a walk around the hospital block, hoping there'd be some boxes there, but no. I saw one or two boxes around rubbish piles next to some fast food stores, but didn't think Ele was looking for dirty boxes.

I eventually went to check out the supermarket, and they said I should've tried later, but I was welcome to walk around and take any I saw. So I started walking the aisle, and there were some storemen unpacking stuff. I picked out big boxes that were being unpacked and asked them if I could have it. They were all pretty happy to help, which surprised me. I guess it means they don't have to go to the trouble of flattening the boxes.

I found two and walked out with it, and then spotted a large rectangular one outside the florist and took that as well. I put them in my car and then drove to Ele's place. I called her, but she didn't pick up. I called Tracy and she put Ele on, and she said they were on the way to Tracy's house. She said she'd come pick them up from me tomorrow, but I said I'd just leave them outside her flat.

I got out of my car and, like some sort of thief or rubbish dumper, looked around sneakily as I pulled the boxes out, crossed the road, went into the boundaries of the flat looking for a good place to put them. I placed them behind the front fence, hoping no one would throw them out thinking it was rubbish. I sent Ele a message telling her the location.

I went home, and was surprised I didn't get an invite to G's birthday dinner. Oh well.

Ele later called, but I didn't answer. She then sent me a message thanking me, and I just sent one back saying no problems. I didn't feel like any further contact at that moment. It was back to nomad me for now.