The drive to achieve

After last night's entry, I went to the gym and did my usual abs and cycling. On the bike I set the target to 8km and started off with my right knee feeling a bit funny. It felt awkward, out of place. It took a while for it to get warmed up and jolted into its normal position.

What I like to do is set the display to show the time left to completion. So because my goal is distance, the time remaining depends on how fast I go. And because I discovered that they have set the machine so that you can only be on it for 25 minutes max, I have decided to always try to complete the 8km within the 25 minutes.

Because I started off slow, I had a bit of catching up to do. But the thing is, I always tell myself not to push it because the integrity of my knee comes first. So in effect, I tell myself to forget it even if it means not reaching my goal of 8km within 25 minutes.

But what I find is that I always, always try to reach that goal, no matter what. Further, I always try to better myself, instead of remaining content. For instance, I might average 75rpm and I tell myself to be content with that and just do that the rest of the way. But then I find myself going 80rpm, and telling myself that I can't go below that. Then I reach 85rpm, and I won't allow myself to go below that, and so on.

So it's a constant push for achievement. This got me thinking. Perhaps my gambling problem is a mere symptom of an underlying, bigger, more significant personality trait: competitiveness.

It's no secret (on this blog anyway) that I'm a competitive person. And Michael Jordan developed a gambling addiction out of his competitiveness. So maybe what I do isn't necessarily for greed, but just for competition.

Anyway, I guess it doesn't excuse the behaviour.

After gym I went out to get some cheap petrol for my car.

This morning I got to work just on time. By the time I got to the office GS had already gone up to court, and when I went up, he joked I was a minute late. I think that was too close of a shave. I just find it hard to motivate myself when I'm required to do zilch at work.

DY started her closing today. I was very impressed. The better she does for her client, the better it is for my client, hehe.

At morning tea, I decided not to go with GS, saying I had to get something to eat because I missed breakfast (which was true). Instead I went to the chocolate shop. I didn't really know what my goal was. I think I just wanted something to take my mind off Emily/Jenny.

On the way there, I actually saw Twish coming from the opposite direction.

Shit! I've been caught!

Luckily she had her music on and didn't see me. I slipped by quietly and around the corner I went towards the shop.

As soon ass I went in, the main lady greeted me. I just asked for a short black and a piece of chocolate. She asked me how my day was so far and I just said it had been alright. I asked her whether she made the chocolates herself and she said they came from Melbourne.

There was a girl with her back to me making coffee.

Could that be her? Could that be the cute one?

Nah, doubt it. It doesn't look like her.

Yes it does.

God, turn around, turn around!

She finally turned around and handed me my coffee. It was her! We made eye contact as she passed the coffee, but I think it was more neutral than anything.

At lunch, I was on the phone checking the message V had left when he called while I was in court. Rom Rom asked me if I was going out for lunch and I said yes and waited for her. My plan actually had been to go to the shopping centre to get some bread from that bread shop for lunch, so I could get one of those pineapple kisses that Emily/Jenny gave me. I just wanted something to remind myself of her.

Anyway, so Rom Rom and I went to lunch. I shouted her because I still owed her a lunch and I felt uneasy about it. Twish came by, but didn't end up staying because she said the line was too long. I don't mind having lunch with her as long as it's with someone else.

We had a really good chat, just about stuff. She asked me what I planned to do after the case and I said I might go work with my friend (John).

After court, everyone left fairly quickly, and when I was locking my door, Twish walked by and said bye. I was glad that she didn't offer me a lift or anything. Maybe she had gotten the message. I felt cruel, but it had to be done.

I caught the train out to the city and missed a call from V. I called him back and we started talking. I thought I saw a girl like Emily/Jenny walk into a shop on the main street so I stood nearby while I talked to V but never saw her.

I think I am a real idiot. I disclosed to him, in confidence, that I was thinking of working with John. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't want to tell anyone within that circle. But what surprised me was that he warned me against it, saying John wasn't all that trustworthy.

Further, when he asked me how I was going to get work, I told him I'd ask my close client (HK client) to spread my card around, and he laughed and said "that's funny".

Ummm...what's so funny?

Oh well, I guess you can laugh now. It'll just provide me with more motivation. We'll see what happens in a few years' time.

I couldn't help but think what a mess I had created, and that this could all be solved and avoided if the DDP would just give me the damn job.

After the call I walked around the city a bit, not really wanting to go home. I finally found the two breadshops that Emily/Jenny may have gone to. I actually saw a Korean girl there who looked a bit familiar. Hmmm.

I even thought about going to see her again this week. And even gambling to get the money to see her. I gave thought to how I could finance a visit.

But then I tell myself to resist. She only works Mondays to Thursdays, so if I can just resist tonight and tomorrow, I'll be safe for another week.

Must...resist...