I think I am in love

Yesterday at work was just more of CW's closing. At lunch Twish asked me to go eat with her, but I said I brought a sandwich, which I ate in the office. Sometimes I just enjoy staying in and having my simple sandwich - it's just bread, butter and ham, with a fruit juice popper.

In court the judge and CW had this big argument about CW wasting time, which I thought was unfair. Every criticism the judge laid against CW applied equally with the Crown. I'm not even disgusted anymore, it's like I'm used to this judge being biased.

After work Twish said she drove and offered me a lift, but I just flat out refused. I was afraid she'd come asking again once we were in the office, but luckily I spent the time inside GS' room drafting up an email, and by the time we finished everyone was gone. I had hoped she got the message.

I left just before GS as I had to rush to Medicare to claim back some money, which I did. On my way there I called up the massage place and asked if Emily/Jenny was working. She was. I made a booking for 7pm.

I kept thinking about it.

Yes, I'll get to see her tonight! Should I get her a gift? What about the chocolate strawberry?

I tried to control myself everytime I felt like I was trying to rush something. I went home, grabbed my gym stuff and drove out. I went to the casino, won $50 and got the hell out of there.

I went to the massage place. I was led to the room first where I was told she'd be here in ten minutes. I walked around the room checking stuff out, waiting impatiently while contemplating how I should look when she finally comes in.

A bit more than ten minutes later, there is a knock on the door. She looks surprised to see me. We did not go through the usual procedural massage. Instead, and apart from the shower, we acted like lovers. Boyfriend and girlfriend. We made out, but we did not have sex. It was close. I asked her for a condom, and even though she got me one, I asked, and she said it was enough, so I didn't push it.

Afterwards we had a tiny bit of time left. Because earlier I had asked if she wanted a massage (she declined, but it was clear she considered it), she now brought it back up and asked for one. She laid face down on the table and I got on top, and carefully but amateurishly massaged her. It was a lot harder than I thought. I can't believe that after receiving all these massages, I hadn't learnt a thing!

We jokingly played out our roles, lol. She asked me where I learnt my massage skills, and I said Korea. I told her I had been doing it for five years since I was 18.

At the end, while I was tying my shoelaces, I felt that I had to have a go. A go at letting her know my interest. I started to talk, and then felt my voice crack, as if I was about to pour my heart out.

"Can you tell me next time you go to Korea?"

Ok, that sounds too desperate.

"I will get you a present".

Good recovery. Sort of.

She said ok, and then joked "tomorrow". I gotta give it to her, she does have a sense of humour/cheekiness about her.

I asked her what I should have for dinner even though I knew I was just going to eat at home. She reached into her bag and gave me this tiny packet which I thought was like a mini-cake. It said "pineapple kiss" from Bread Top.

I felt...I can't explain how it felt. At the very least, I was happy. But much beyond that. Beyond words.

When we did our goodbye hug, I said she had to book me next time, for a minimum of two hours. She said she would book me for the night. We held hands as we walked out and said goodbyes.

I got into my car and started eating the cake. It was very crumby, so I got out and stood outside my car to eat it. It didn't taste very good, but I ate it with devotion because she gave it to me. I finished every little bit and kept the packet.

I then went to the gym and did my abs and cycling. I went home to eat a chicken sandwich. I don't know why, but I cried a bit as I fell asleep. In a way, it was happy tears. But I had this picture in my mind where I'd be with her in the city, and she'd be telling me that she would have to return to Korean so that that was our last time together. I'd kiss her on the hand and walk away, crying, disappearing within with city crowd.

This morning I went up to the hospital at Wick to drop off my hospital admission form. Even as I walked through the hospital corridors, I felt scared. Scared of the day of the operation, even though it would be yonks from now. I thought about crying and telling Emily/Jenny of my fears. No one knows how scared I am.

I got lost a bit but eventually found the admission office and handed the form in. I got lost on the way out as well, but made it to the office about 15 minutes before court started. I even had time to deposit my coins at the bank.

Court was as usual today. There was another argument between the judge and CW, although I think this time it was stirred by the Crown. It's amazing to watch the judge's body language. I can't believe how obvious he makes it. It's all open and friendly towards the Crown, but arms crossed, defensive and hostile with CW.

I went to morning tea coffee with GS who joined DY, CW, PL and others. It's always good to sit in and watch them chat. They're all very funny.

Twish didn't ask me about lunch, so maybe she got the message. Or maybe she saw my sandwich in the fridge. I went out at first to get a pack of sour cola lollies and an apple, then returned to the office to eat my sandwich.

At the end of the day, Twish asked if I was catching the train, and I gave a reluctant "yeah...", unable to think of an excuse. Downstairs in the office, I timed myself so I'd escape with GS, and it worked, hehe.

I ate my apple as I walked out with him, and we saw the jury bus, lol. I parted ways at the shopping centre as I took a walkaround. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, just felt like browsing. I went to two bookstores to look for inspirational books which might be good for Ele, but didn't find anything good.

I caught the train to the city, and once I was in the city, decided to look for that breadshop where Emily/Jenny may have gotten that pineapple kiss. I know I've seen that shop around before, but never really paid much attention to it because I never had any reason to go to it. And now I couldn't find it. Oh well, I enjoyed the walk around the city. I realised that I was at peace with myself. On the train, I wasn't listening to any music. No Eminem.

And then it hit me - that hatred and anger inside me had gone.

There was peace and content within me.

I think I am in love.

I know it is wrong. I know it won't last. And I know it'll end with me crying in tears and being heart broken for the next few months or even years. But I cannot help it.

But you know what the shitty part of it is? Usually when I feel this way towards someone, they don't feel the same towards me.