And so Ele finally ends here...

Last night, I woke up all sweaty in the stuffy room. I finally texted Michelle saying I liked Ele. I moved to the lounge where there was a ceiling fan, and we texted eachother back and forth about it. Even though nothing too specific was said, it helped to get things off my chest.

Today, I emailed Shuing about it, and he seemed to be pretty confident, saying I should tell her I like her if that is really the case.

But after work today, Michelle called, and we had this long talk about it, and it boiled down to this: if she's not answering or returning your calls, it ain't good. Further, because she has maintained her relationship status, I have come to a final conclusion that I should no longer pursue her.

So, for the nth time, I have deleted her number from my phone. If she calls, I will rush to my phone, so I can make sure I reject it before it rings out.

I am the meaning of being lonely

Yesterday I did a bit of work, and then went out exploring. I drove to Byron Bay, where I walked around with millions of teens there for schoolies and watched The Invention of Lying. It was a pretty good movie, I find that I really enjoy these type of comedies which try to encapsulate some sort of moral message into them. I then went to Mullumbimby (which was full of hippies), and then Tweed Heads, where I just took a walk around the shopping centre. It had a cinema which reminded me of the one back home, but this was a bit too far to go for a movie.

Back home, I rented Fahrenheit 9/11. Pretty good movie, very insightful and raised a lot of questions. I can see now why all those people hated Bush.

Today, I went for a jog, went around the block again but it was a lot harder, maybe because there was no breeze like on Friday afternoon. But I still forced myself to do it. I washed my car, went out to do a bit of shopping, came back home and made some breakfast, and then worked on my files for a while. I spent a good part of the day on them, and am glad I got through them. I don't know how I'm going to get through this week.

After all that, I treated myself to a movie and rented Anger Management. Halfway through I realised it was getting a bit late, so decided to call Ele. I had been thinking about whether I should or not. I mean, if I did, then she may start finding me predictable, always calling on a Sunday night, and if I didn't, it may create some mystery. But, I remembered Shuing said Asian girls liked routine, so I did.

I had planned out to ring pretending to be some guy calling about an ad in the paper about her offering cooking lessons. I would also talk about her house hunting, and Tracy. I'd be careful not to talk about her trip to China, so I can save that for the conversation just before she leaves.

Probably not to my surprise, the phone rang and rang, until it rang out. I continued watching the movie, but it was like eating something with no taste. Towards the end of the movie, I sent her a message:

"Hey, haven't spoken to you in years, call me when you're free"

Probably sounded desperate. I'm in depressed mode now.

I don't know why. She seems to show interest in person, but not when I call her.

12 Angry Men

Man it's been a pretty hectic week this week, but it'll be nothing compared to next week. This week I've been in my first trial as a pro, instructing JW, but it's been progressing really slowly, yet at the same time I'm always out of the office and at court, meaning I've had very little time to prepare my short matters next week. And now that the trial has gone over to next week, it means I'll have my trial and short matters next week. Great. And I'm told that that's normal!!!

On Thursday afternoon Cox came over and had a bit of a chat with me, and then said she had just been talking to Ben about going out to dinner on Friday night and invited me. I was soooo happy! It felt like I had finally made friends, albeit work friends. I know, I know. I have a rule of not becoming friends with people at work, but it was at the very least a sign of their acceptance of me.

And then yesterday afternoon Cox came over and said she was too tired to go, so it was off. I kinda felt good, because this way I got confirmation of their acceptance, and at the same time didn't need to put up a socialising act.

Instead, went for a jog (managed to get around the whole block) and rented 12 Angry Men and bought some pasta and chicken wings from Domino's and spent the night happy at home, happy that I could finally put my feet up and rest for a night.

The movie was a lot better than I had expected, and a lot simpler than I had expected. It was done in just one setting - the jury room. Yet at the same time, each different person became persuaded to change their mind individually, demonstrating on the way their prejudices and way of thought. I really liked it, but wished they would've shown the reading out of the verdict. I hated that black guy who thought the accused was guilty "just because he was". I hope people like that never serve on juries.

Planning the farewell call

So two days back in Lismore, two days back at work, the feeling of loneliness and isolation has been a little easier to bear. This morning I was listening to "Unbreak My Heart" and "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely". Great way to really sink further into your depressive mood.

I had a pretty efficient day at work today, got quite a lot done. Tomorrow is my first trial, I don't even know what I need and whether I'm ready. I have done everything Ben has told me to do, but I just get this feeling that I've missed something really basic, or that I'll stuff up.

We had a big morning tea today to celebrate Christmas, I felt nigelated because I didn't have anyone to talk to, and ended up in a three way conversation between the TLP student and the WAS lady, with the student telling us about how he had become allergic to dairy.

Throughout the entire day I have been thinking about how to deal with this Ele issue. Do I call her this Sunday as per usual, and then call her again just before she leaves? Or do I skip the regular call and wait for a final farewell call?

I've been thinking about, in that farewell call, that I have something to tell her, but I'll tell her when she comes back. Of course, what that is is that I like her. But will I tell her when she comes back? I don't know. I guess I'm hoping it will give her something to look forward to as well as providing a bit of mystery.

I also keep thinking about the going back to China thing. I've come to some sort of conclusion that it's just my paranoi and insecurity telling me that she will see her boyfriend when she goes back. I have absolutely no logical basis to make that conclusion at all.

But also, why would she tell me that she is considering buying a house if at the same time she is considering going back permanently? Was it all just a ploy to see my reaction?

I have such a strong urge to call her, I just want to hear her voice. But I can't...must...act...confident...give...her...time...to...miss...me.

My weekend in Sydney

After my haircut, I had a shower and then headed out to the city. I went to that massage place and spent an hour there. I just needed something reeeally relaxing for all that stress on Friday.

After that I went shopping at the markets, looking for a present for DC. I had in mind a cowboy hat, and for some reason kept thinking he'd just wear it for sex. Strange thought I know. When I did find the cowboy hats, I ended up not buying it, because it really wasn't what I had in mind.

I walked to the upper part of the city to Myer and bought a box of chocolate for DY, then caught the bus home because I was feeling pretty tired. I ended up taking a nap, only to be woken up by DC's phone call. He could tell I was asleep and jokingly told me to get the fuck up.

I got changed and went downstairs and waited a few minutes before his wife picked me up. We were to pick DC up from the pub after his cricket match, and when I called him to see which pub it was, I said "hey I'm with Jo" and he says "has she left me for you?", haha, fucking funny bastard.

Anyway, we picked him up from the pub and made our way to DY's place. We made small talk about work and that, and then talked a bit about Kate and PL getting married. He had told me in a message earlier, but as I replied, I could never tell when he was joking or not.

So yeah, Kate and PL got married, about a week ago. She's pregnant too. I told you I suspected something when I heard PL say in a soft boyish tone, "so what can I do to make it up to you?"

I feel happy for PL, but not really for Kate. I think PL is a nice guy, he's smart and funny, although he may be a bit disadvantaged in the looks department. But with Kate, I can't help but feel that she just settled, probably because of her age, and also because she was pregnant. I do hope they last though.

When we got to DY's place, it looked like a lot of people were already there. DC managed to tweak a lock in the backdoor to let us in, despite the presence of a dog behind it and a sign warning about the dog. Everyone was in the backyard talking and holding drinks.

We greeted DY and then I went to GS. It was so good to see him again. He introduced me to his wife, and then later I ended up talking to the Vietnamese girl from LA. Jennifer was also there, but I didn't feel anything towards her anymore. She did come over and say hi, but I remember I was talking to another girl, and I glanced over at Jennifer and she looked at me like she was upset that I wasn't talking to her. Or maybe it was just my imagination.

I did have a bit of a talk to her during the time when I was in the PL/CW circle, but couldn't really find anything interesting to talk about, so that 'connection' was never really established.

I ended up sitting down at the table and had a bit of a chat with SM, and then Juliana, and then the Vietnamese girl joined in. I think I spent most of my time talking to those two girls, although when SM moved next to me we did have a bit of a talk about cats.

I must admit, the food there was pretty good. And on top of the cranberry juice which DC gave me, it was a pretty damn good night.

DD made a speech, which I thought was pretty inspirational, and I'm not even sure if he prepared it or not. He was right in that it brought us all together and a little closer. I was glad to be a part of it.

I spent a part of the night talking to GS' wife, and I must say, she just wasn't the type of person I could see GS being with. She actually looked a bit mean, and I'm not even sure if she enjoyed the night or not.

Maria was there, and at one stage the seat next to her was empty and I had returned from somewhere and so sat down next to her. Shortly after, she said she had had enough of CW (on the other side of her) and she moved away :(

We had the trivia, which was pretty funny. After that DC said he was going to go and asked if I wanted a lift. I bloody hell did, since I had no other way of getting home. CW and Jennifer also wanted a lift, and Jo expressed some reluctance, because her car only had four seats.

We managed to squeeze into the back, with CW up front and me in between Jennifer and DC. Needless to say, CW did most of the talking. Although Jo was responding back, I wondered if she was annoyed at him, on top of having to give him a lift and being stuck in traffic. I could see DC massaging her shoulder with one hand from behind. Maybe I was right.

When we finally dropped CW off in the city, he said goodbye by kissing the window. He actually left saliva on the friggin' BMW. I was sure Jo wouldn't have liked that.

Jennifer said she wouldn't mind being dropped off in the city and catching a bus, but they insisted on driving her home. During the ride DC managed to maneuver himself into the front seat, which caused a lot of laughter.

After dropping Jennifer off, they dropped me off at home, and like Jennifer, I graciously thanked Jo, because I think Jennifer could sense her irritation as well.

It was good to sleep in my own bed.

Yesterday morning I woke up intending to visit the bball courts, but figured I wouldn't have time. Maybe next visit.

Just before I was about to leave, I got a message from Malay and we organised to catch the bus out together. I walked to his bus stop and waited a while. It was pretty damn hot.

When he arrived, we talked a bit about my new place, and then we caught the bus to the city. I showed him the video I made of my place, and in particular described to him how I managed to fuck my car up.

In the city, we caught up with Michelle, Shuing and G as they were just starting a racing game in the arcade. I had a few games of those toy grabbing machines, and then later we all had a go at Daytona. Good times.

I went to the exit once or twice to look over at the Chinese restaurant to see if anyone, or Ele in particular, had arrived. I had in mind playing a joke on her by sending her a text about a change of venue, like what she did to me before.

When we walked to the restaurant we saw Michael L and Eva coming up the escalators. We then went into the restaurant and found a table. By now it was already 10:30, and I called Ele. She said she was putting on her make up and would be there in ten minutes. I joked that the last one there had to shout, and she laughed, which made me feel good.

No one ordered anything but Michael L couldn't hold out, so we started eating and not long after Ele arrived. It was interesting to see where she would sit. The only seats available were either next to Michael L or next to me, and from where she came, it would've been easier had she just sat next to Michael L.

She had to shift a seat over in order to make her way over to me. I could see she hesitated at first, but I was happy she chose to sit next to me. There was a baby at the table next to us and she asked if it was my baby.

I must admit, it was a bit awkward at the start. I just didn't know what to say. I felt like everyone at the table was watching me and waiting to see what my next move would be. At times I felt it got so bad that she and Eva would just look at eachother across the table and try to communicate with their eyes.

But it got better towards the middle and the end. She started giving me food, and I gave her a prawn dumpling, even though she said she didn't want it but by then I had already dropped it into her bowl.

Someone ordered the fried calamari, and she quickly grabbed one with her chopsticks before I could stop her (because of her cholesterol), and she smirked. I took a photo of her, and when I tried again she covered the camera with her hand.

At one point, I was reaching out for a dim sim, but at the same time she rotated the glass platform, causing me to miss it, and she started laughing, lol. I told everyone about how on one my of sevs, I was pushing for this guy to remain in jail and how I caught him staring at me. Ele said my job was dangerous.

She told me that from my farewell, Tracy felt like I was ignoring her because I didn't talk to her much. I said I didn't think so (or maybe I was just too focused on Ele), and she said girls were very sensitive. She called Tracy on her phone and asked me to speak to her, and I shook my head.

What the hell am I supposed to say? Why did Tracy care whether or not I spoke to her? Is Ele trying to set me up with Tracy? Or does she just want me to get along with her friends?

Luckily Tracy's phone was off, and I returned the phone to Ele. But later, Tracy called Ele, and Ele shoved me the phone and went to the bathroom. I had an awkward conversation with Tracy, and she apologised for not coming because she was feeling dizzy. After the call, I took a photo of myself with Ele's phone, and thought about setting it was the wallpaper but she had returned by then and grabbed the phone off me. I wanted to show her the photo but she thought I was looking through her photos and took the phone off me again. She started showing me photos, like of her housemate trying to get into the house without a key, some statues, and a house.

She said she was thinking of buying a house, which really surprised me. The competitive side of me sparkled, and wondered if she made more money than me. At the same time, it put me to shame that I was now in debt due to my (past?) gambling problems. I don't know, I guess I had always been fantasising that we would become a couple, and then buy a house of our own, so this kinda shattered my fantasy. But to be fair, wasn't I thinking about the same thing? I have been thinking that I can't rent for long, because in the long term it would be more worth it to just buy a house.

When the bill came, I tried to pay for it with my credit card, only to be sharply rebutted by the waitress with a "sorry, we receive cash only sir". Ele laughed and did two peace signs, teasing me. We all ended up splitting the bill.

After yum cha we walked to the board games place, only to find out that their electricity was busted. We considered staying and playing in the heat, but it was too much so we decided to check out the cinemas. I took Ele's handbag without her knowing, and when she looked behind her to get it, she instinctively knew I had taken it. She actually allowed me to hold it, wondering aloud why I wanted to do the hard work for her.

At the cinema, there was 2012 playing, but I feared I may not have caught my flight if we watched it, so in the end we went to Capitol for ice cream.

For some weird reason Ele ordered a green tea, despite how hot it was that day. What she was wearing (which was pretty sexy) didn't look like it was made for summer either.

Ele and I sat next to eachother, but there was a considerable gap in between us. At one point I asked her if she wanted to see a pretty girl, and showed her my phone. She looked at it, only to see the camera focused on her. She gave the phone back (which was a bit disappointing) and Michelle, who caught my gig, said "I bet you do that to all girls".

After ice cream we decided to try the board games place again. Michael L decided to just cross the road despite an oncoming car, and Eva and Ele blindly followed, and the driver started yelling at them. Shuing followed and started taunting the driver. I stayed on the footpath and watched. Ele kept turning around and looking at the driver, as if she was about to retaliate. Then she caught me watching.

On our way we also bumped into Ken, who was sooooo obvious in that he didn't want to see us. Despite me calling out and reaching a hand out, he walked past me and almost our group until Shuing called out loudly to him. He didn't even want to make small talk and disappeared within 30 seconds. Shuing said if we recorded that then it would've been a good birthday present for him.

We went back to the board games place and played Monopoly. It was pretty hot, but it was something to do. Midway through the electricity was fixed anyway.

It was Ele's first time playing, and she caught the hang of it pretty quickly. I was surprised at how feisty she was in negotiating with Malay to try to get her monopoly. Everyone was pretty loud and wanting to win, except probably Shuing, Michelle and Malay. I struck a deal with Michael L so that we got our first monopoly, and Shuing called it collusion and then gave all his money to Michelle, lol.

I would sometimes watch Ele trying to roughly and bluntly strike a deal, and she caught me watching a couple of times, and she looked like she was a bit embarassed that I saw her acting like that.

Not surprisingly, we didn't get to finish the game by the time I had to go. Michael L and Eva parted ways with us downstairs, and everyone wanted to come to the airport with me. The original plan was for Malay to drive me, but because only Shuing had his car, it had to be him, and now everyone wanted to come. I was surprised Ele wanted to come, I was ready to say goodbye to her, because she lived in the city.

As we started on our way, I jokingly asked "so do I get this special treatment every time I come back?" and Shuing and Ele emphatically said "no!", lol. I'm sure I will.

On our walk to Shuing's car, Ele initially changed her mind, saying she didn't want to make Shuing drive her all the way back. I thought that was fair enough, and so suggested we take one last photo together, which we did. But then Michelle managed to change her mind, and so onwards we went.

While we were walking in the Central tunnel, Ele told me she was going back to China for christmas and new year. It was a real shocker to me, because I had always thought I'd see her for christmas and new year. I even thought she invited Shuing and I to some plans earlier?

My first thought was whether she was really going back to see her boyfriend. That was like a punch in the stomach. I couldn't say anything. Then she added that one day she might just go and not come back. When I asked why, she said there was nothing for her to do here.

So is that why she had kept him as her boyfriend? In case she decided to return permanently? Could it be?

By now I felt like a million punches had been received by my stomach, so I slowed down out of the group and tagged behind. Thinking. Just thinking. And shocked.

Was she serious? Or was she trying to gauge my reaction? Was she pushing for me to say something? That I wanted her to stay?

I managed to get a hold of myself and tell myself to get back into the moment, and not to do anything drastic.

We had to fit six into the car. We dropped Malay off at his house, and then we went to my house to I could get my backpack. I wanted to get out of Ele's door, but she told me to go out G's side. So I coughed at her, a reference to when she coughed at me at ice cream when I told her she could've coughed at Michelle but chose me. It made her laugh, hehe.

I got my backpack, said goodbye to my cats, and went back down. We had lots of time left so they decided to go into the airport with me. Shuing dropped us off and went parking. The rest of us checked in and they went through the check in point with me.

We stopped at a Boost Juice while Ele went to the bathroom and Michelle bought a drink. She also bough me a bottle of water. Shuing caught up with us, and then we all decided to get something to eat. As we walked around, I noticed there was some spilled food we were walking into, and I grabbed Ele's arm gently to warn her. To my surprise she did not flinch. It happened again as there was more spilled food.

They ended up at Red Roosters. I wasn't really hungry so I didn't get anything, and when Ele knew that she asked about it, and I just jokingly said "I'll scab off you".

When we got to our table, she said she asked them to cut her roll in half, and she gave me half. I initially declined, because I was joking and I wasn't really hungry, but then she said that I wouldn't be having dinner, and she was right. By the time I got back to Lismore, I wouldn't have time to eat. So I took her up on the offer, and the fact that it came from her just gave me that warm hearty feeling all over inside, lol.

As we got up from our tables, I offered to hold her handbag for her, and to my surprise she let me. So I held it all the way to the gate.

On the way, she also stuffed something in my backpack, and I asked if it was rubbush, but she and Michelle said it was tissue. I could've died right there and then, to be cared for by her. She was sooooo thoughtful.

We said our goodbyes at the gates and hugged, before they decided to come to the bottom with me, where we said our goodbyes again. After I boarded the bus, as it was being driven off, I stuck my head from the back and waved.

I could see Michelle had walked off a bit, but Shuing and Ele stayed where they had been and waved back.

I could've cried right there. I knew it was a bad idea going back, because it would just make me miss them again.

Home!

Swear to god, Friday was the most stressful day thus far in this job. I got a file in my week, and when Ben saw it he said he would do it if I gave him one day's notice. So on Thursday around midday I reminded him, and then he said he was too busy and asked me to ask Claire about it because it was her matter. So I went to ask her and I played the polite "look, I can do it, but..." card, but as soon as I said "I can do it" she cut me off and said "good". Early sign of what she is like indeed.

It wasn't actually hard to understand the file, but what was hard was knowing what had happened before it and what it was listed for. The other lawyer didn't know because he had just come into it. I had to conference a LA lawyer who didn't want to be a witness, because it effectively meant she did't do her job properly, and it was just all a mess!! Urgh!

I only started in the afternoon in court because there was a trial on. I got up on one sev appeal, but don't think it had anything to do with what I said. And then the messy matter was up, and the judge basically said we all didn't know what was going on so it was best to get the transcripts.

Having to type up all the file notes for the matters that day meant I had to leave just after 5pm, when I had planned to leave at 4:30pm because I was leaving for Sydney.

I rushed home in the heat, saw Pandy who was cleaning up outside, hurriedly got changed, and walked to the train station with about half an hour to spare. I could not have afforded to miss this bus.

When the bus came, the ride was about 30 minutes to the next train station. At first I felt a bit, just a bit, sad that I was leaving "home". I don't know why. I swear the country is such a beautiful view. I saw all the houses on farms and thought it was peaceful, and wondered what it would be like to live there. I probably wouldn't be used to it, being a city boy and all.

On the train I ended up sitting next to an Asian dude, whose wife and daughter were sitting across the aisle. I wondered whether it was pure coincidence that they placed me with an Asian group.

Almost immediately after I got onto the train, everyone lined up to get dinner and so did I. I got some chick peas and curry with rice. I knew it'd be shitty food, but it actually was alright given the current situation. I felt like a homeless man grateful for anything.

I put my music on and tried to sleep early on, which I did, but then woke up around midnight and fell in and out of sleep for the next five hours or so. Sleeping in an upright position is not the most comfortable thing to do.

There was a backpacker chick in front of me who I thought looked kinda hot, but she was a bit strange I thought. She seemed to look at people in a strange way, like she had never seen a human being before.

Initially I was mentally accusing the Asian dude for being selfish for taking the aisle seat so he could get in and out whenever he wanted to, but then I realised he probably just wanted to be as close to his family as possible, and also, I got the window seat which I started to enjoy when sunrise came.

I would sometimes look at him off the reflection and wonder if my life would end up like his. Balding, wearing glasses, with no fashion whatsoever. But more importantly, the only conversation he seemed to have with his wife was "pass me the fork" or "save this serviette". Do all marriages end up like that? How does a couple go from giggling and all chatty to such non-communicative standards like that?

Towards the end of the ride I had really had enough because my back was hurting. Although it was kinda fun, I don't think I'd wanna do it again. Or maybe I should go into the luxury class next time.

I was soooo happy to see familiar places again. I felt like spreading my arms out and running around the city, lol. I caught the bus home and called out to my cats, who popped their heads out the window. I was glad they still remembered me.

The first thing I noticed when I walked inside was how messy and filled with junk it was. Hmmm. I think this place needs a clean up. I bummed around a bit before going out for breakfast at the Wick. Bumped into my mom, I didn't really feel like eating because it was so hot but ended up getting a fruit salad. As I was sitting in the shopping centre eating my fruit salad, I was proud that I had lasted three weeks and that I had gotten through yesterday, and also my first week of court duty. Not only that, but I had just, just come back from such a long way.

After that I went to get a hair cut, seeing that I don't think I've seen any barbers in Lismore. I'm sure there are, I just haven't found any yet.

After that I caught the bus home, and as I walked from the bus stop, I saw this girl and thought "this girl reminds me of WYC". She was wearing big sunglasses so I couldn't see her eyes. She seemed to smile at me, and when we got a bit closer her lips moved again. After I walked past her, just before I turned the corner, I turned around to look at her again. She was waiting at the lights and had turned around to look at me.

Was it WYC?

Brings back such old memories. Way back, at the end of high school, if I had liked her instead of Gene, things may have been different today. I don't know why I liked Gene. I guess because she was so friendly I thought she liked me. I thought WYC was the more attractive one, but I wasn't smart enough to detect any signs from her. But in hindsight, I think she may have been more interested in me than Gene.

Oh well, close the book, or travel back in time?

New politics

I don't think I'm enjoying my job much.

Well, not really. It's kind of hard to describe. I like my office and the people in it. I haven't instructed in a trial yet, but I don't think I would mind it. What I do seemingly have a problem with is playing the bad guy.

All these people come to court seeking leniency and it's my job to tell the judge why they shouldn't receive the same. Granted, the argument can be made that these people were at fault in doing whatever they did and they must live by the consequences, but on the other hand, my face is the last they'll see as being responsible for their fate, and that's not really such a great feeling from my point of view.

Today I went up against Sophie. In terms of appearance, it's kinda funny. I seem to think she looks more and more like Eva Green yet at the same time I'm picking out differences between her and Eva Green. I felt that it was my job to xx her client today, and she ended up losing without the judge even having to ask me for my input. Wonder if she thinks I went too hard. Wonder if she was expecting some kind of 'assistance' from me because of our connection through DC.

Also today and yesterday I have been getting to the office extra early, at like 7:30ish. I did it yesterday because I wanted time to prepare for my matters, but on the way to work I walked passed this pretty brunette with really sexy eyes. She seemed to be out for a walk, so I decided to try my luck again today and leave home at the same time and voila, there she was! I was a bit nervous today, not knowing what to do or where to look as we headed closer towards eachother. Yesterday we just glanced at eachother, but today I smiled, although her reciprocating smile wasn't as open as I would've liked.

Yesterday at the end of the day I also overheard some sort of an argument between Ben and Jude. It sounded like something about Ben wanting her help on a matter that had gone from her to him, and she refused because it was the end of the day. It got so bad and awkward for me (because my office is next to Ben's and opposite Jude's) that I started walking around the office looking for a distraction and ended up talking to Cox in her room. I swear she can talk on and on. Not in an annoying way, I find her to be very helpful, always eager to teach me stuff, but sometimes I think she should know when to let the other person have a go at talking.

I've been packing my own lunch to work this week, and on Monday night I had instant noodles for dinner and last night had canned soup with bread, so saved some money, but tonight I felt like take away so had Red Rooster.

But going back to politics in the office, it's kinda funny how when you're new everything on the outside seems problem free and everyone gets along so well, but as you get to know them a bit better, you start finding the cracks.

The first sign was when Ben told me about the admin, about how there was a divide between Amy and Ness, how one likes to do everything and how the other likes you to do everything.

And then there's Mud. Ben has told me she's kinda a hard woman in court, and I think she is like that in person anyway. She's been pretty friendly towards me, but I become suspect whenever she comes to my room to have a chat, because I always wonder why she's doing it.

Jude is my new Kate. The seemingly innocent, chatty and funny one, but whenever anything encroaches upon them and poses a problem for them, then it's all your fault. Like with Kate, she could be your best friend in the world, but if you ask for her help, she'll disappear in a flash. And so I got that feeling with Jude yesterday as she argued with Ben. They had always gotten along very well, so I'd hate to see this as a permanent thing, and most of all, I don't want to be the one to stand in between them.

Today Jude had this long talk with me, under the facade of teaching me new things, but unlike Cox, she managed to slide a few blades in there. For instance, she said I have the same, if not more, experience as Ben, so I should be asking other people for help. And then there was the time management issue, about how I should jump onto my files straight away so that I don't leave things to the last minute (*cough* Ben anyone? *cough*).

Ah why does everyone have to be so political. Why can't we just all get along.

The Croupier & Chaos Theory

Today I woke up and went for a jog. Mainly because for the past couple of weeks I have been feeling fat. I put my hand on my tummy sometimes and don't feel the abs. So I finally decided to have a go today. Nothing major, nothing like making a return to basketball or anything, but just something to get me off my butt.

I jogged for about five minutes. I know it's not much, I didn't really sweat, and although I felt a slight shortness of breath, I can't say I exactly worked my heart much. But to my credit, I was going up hill.

I told myself to stop when I reached the peak of the hill, and then walked around the block back home. On my journey I passed two old people, both of whom smiled and said good morning, which I reciprocated.

I chucked some clothes into the washing machine, had a shower, then tried to watch About Schmidt, but the DVD was playing up again, so I watched The Croupier with Clive Owen. I have heard of that name before, but don't think I have ever seen him in anything. I mainly stayed in my bed watching it, and it was a pretty good movie.

The bit that made it really good, yet at the same time preventing it from being great, was when he reckons he had all the odds calculated, and then finds out his girlfriend dies. That really hit things home for me. As a gambler, you think you've got it all figured out. You tell yourself the worst case scenario, like how much money you'd have left if you lose this session, but there are always things, human things, you cannot factor into the calculation.

Now the reason why I say this prevented it from being great was because Clive just moves on to the next girl, which kinda deflated the effect of the whole thing.

After that I decided to go return the movies, but realised I had only brought one shirt from home with me, and that it was on the clothesline, and when I opened my door to see Pandy's car and her watering the grass, I went back into my room and closed the door. I didn't feel like seeing her, just in case I was right about her having a thing for me.

I spent my time ironing three business shirts, and by the time I finished the room had gotten pretty hot. I did three sets of push ups before openeing my door to check the surroundings. Her car was gone. It looked like she had left.

I drove out, returned the three videos, and rented Quantum of Solace and Chaos Theory. I then went to Aldi to get a pack of gummi bears for work, and then drove to the square to do some shopping. I am preparing myself to have home made lunches this entire week, so bought bread, meat and poppers. Also stocked up on orange juice, chips, canned soup and instant noodles because I am starting to get sick of take away food.

I then drove to get some fish and chips, and because my car was parked right outside the store, I got to watch it in all its glory as I was waiting. It really is a beautiful thing. You could definitely see how washing it as frequently as I do has its benefits. It was just shining, beaming, so smoothly in the sun, even though every second hurt me because I knew the heat wasn't good for the paint. I am totally in love with this car.

I got home and ate the fish and chips as I watched Chaos Theory. It was actually a lot more insightful than I thought. I was expecting a comedy, but upon reflection, I don't think it was very funny. It presents you with the situation of what you'd do if you found out you weren't the biological parent of your child. I kept thinking about how I would react, and at first instance I'd probably do what Renolds did - drive out to nowhere, away from everyone and everything. But in the end he accepts his wife again, something which I am not sure if I would be able to do.

During the movie Malay called me, just to catch up a bit. He told me that they (him and Shuing) thought G was a little depressed, but didn't know why. My guess is it has to do with girls. Like I've always said, guys only think about two things - money and women, and G has stable employment now.

I told him that I was coming down next week, and proposed yum cha. My initial plan was to have it with a small group, mainly Ele, but then if you invite one you gotta invite another and so on. I was thinking of shouting, hence one of the reasons why I want to keep it small.

We talked a bit on the phone, mainly about cars. After that I called Ele. No answer.

When I finished the movie I started watching Quantum of Solace, but around the middle the DVD had problems again, so I gave Ele another try. This time she picked up. I asked her if she had had dinner yet and she said yes, that she was cooking when I called earlier. I asked her what she cooked and she said chinese food. I said I didn't know she could cook and asked her to teach me, and she gave an interested "yeah", lol.

I asked her if she wanted to do yum cha, and she asked where. I said Lismore, that she could just fly up here on Saturday night. She asked who else was going and I said just her. She said she wanted to fly with someone else, lol.

We talked a bit about Brisbane and Surfers Paradise, told me she lived in Brisbane for four years and said there was this laser thing you could do in Gold Coast. I might check that out some time.

We returned to the topic of yum cha and I said Lismore again, and she asked "are you serious?". I said the flights were cheap, and she said it wasn't about the money, but about not wanting to fly alone. I said next time I'm down I would take her with me. I think she might actually consider it.

But on a more serious note, I suggested the restaurant in Market City, and said I'd send an email. So with that, my brief return next week has been organised. My plan is to arrive on Saturday morning, spend time with my family and cats, go to DY's get together, then yum cha on Sunday and fly back on Sunday night.

Shopping centre!

I woke up today, scared that upon opening my door I would see the floors all distorted and out of shape. I was too scared to open the door. I finally got out of bed and made myself do it, and to my surprise and relief nothing had seemingly changed since last night.

I gave my car a good wash. That hose they have here really helps the rinsing. Some might wonder why I bother, seeing that it'll get birdshit or some other crap on it right away, but I just feel a need to keep it clean. After that I washed my blue business shirt, and then drove to the train station to get my ticket for next week. It was a lot easier than I had expected.

I then drove out to Robina for the so called big shopping centre. I was looking forward the something like Westfields, probably because it would remind me of the city. After a near two hour drive, I wasn't disappointed. I got lost a bit on the way, but when I found it, it was satisfaction to my visual senses to see a large, very modern shopping complex. After parking, I walked in and was greeted by the familiar scene and scent of a shopping centre. I felt like I was home, yet at the same time because it was so new, I felt like a tourist wanting to explore.

I walked around checking out the shops, and really there was nothing special, but I guess part of the experience was also seeing so many people together at the one place. I immediately noticed that it was more culturally diverse. No one looked at me like I was an alien.

After a walk around I found an ATM and then got something to eat. I thought about Macca's and then told myself I couldn't do it. Why the hell would you go all this way for Macca's? So I chose a meat sandwich place instead and had a pork and salad sandwich with gravy. Even though the girl didn't cut it properly, it was still soooo good.

I went to check out the cinemas after and there was about three hours left until The Box, which was what I wanted to see. So I decided to go check out the casino. I told myself I'd just go to check it out, but as I walked in, I found myself withdrawing $300. This casino was a lot smaller, and seemed not as formal. It was filled with poker machines more than anything else.

I had a go at roulette, and lost. But I didn't get the same feeling as usual. I found myself feeling that it was a stupid game and I just wanted to get out of there. It was like an old kid stuck playing a kid's game, and he was bored and wanted out. I felt like that. I also didn't like the people around - they were obviously addicted, and I didn't want to be like them. So I walked out immediately after losing. I know this would be the time where I would feel the strong urge to withdraw more money in the hope of chasing my losses, but honestly, I had zero urge at all. ZILCH.

I went back to the shopping centre and took another walk around before going to the cinema. I lined up to buy the ticket, and then bought a small popcorn and coke. When I went to the ticket person, he said my movie was at 4, and it was only 3. I checked the time on my phone and it was 3:50pm. A lady waiting to go past said it was 2:50pm.

Oh my god, there must be a time difference in this state!

I sat on a couch for the next ten minutes, determined to wait it out, but then decided to go to the toilet, and because I didn't want to take my popcorn and coke into the toilet, I thought it'd be best to leave it in my car, seeing that I had time anyway. As I was walking through the shopping centre to my car, the coke slipped out of my hand and I spilled a bit. I was already feeling like shit for being an HOUR early for the movie, and now this. I picked up my cup and kept proceeding to my car. I put the stuff in, went to the toilet, went back to my car, and then drove closer to the cinema car park.

Finally it was time to go in. There weren't many people there for the movie at all, but everyone else seemed to be in pairs. Most were boy/girl, but there was one pair of two girls.

The movie was pretty good, I really liked the idea. I didn't really understand the whole NSA thing though.

After the movie, as I was walking back to my car, there was this girl in a green dress walking in my direction. I looked at her and she smiled, which made me smile back. I wonder if it was just a friendly smile or something else.

The drive back was hurried, because I hated driving at night. In the second part of the journey I followed this old Commodore for vision purposes, and at one point it stopped. I could see some sort of animal on the road blocking its path. The car went around it, and when I saw it, I thought it was a big wolf, but it turned out to be a cow. Felt so sorry for the cow. It was good of the driver ahead of me to try to get it off the road by waving. I beeped at it until it walked off the road.

When I got home, I noticed that the floorboards weren't connected to the walls.

Were they like that before, or was it because of the water? Shit, now I was in really big trouble. I panicked over it for a while before finding some stuff in the gaps, most noticeably a girl's hairband and some power cords. Now if these gaps were fresh, how did they get in there?

Oh and last night I watched Lost in Translation. It was ok, but I must admit, I checked a few times to see how much longer the movie would go for. I had read the blurb and knew it was about a friendship, so throughout the movie I was kinda saying how bullshit it was for a guy and girl to get that close and still be "friends", yet kept telling myself to be open minded, that you could actually be very close friends with a girl. But the last mouth to mouth kiss seemed to seal the deal for my former views. I might do everything they did with Bush, but mouth to mouth kiss? Friends? You've got to be kidding me.

My first proper sev appeal

Yesterday I had another sev appeal. As Ben and I were walking towards the courtroom, the lawyer in my matter told me he was "going to pull it". I almost couldn't believe it. Two in a row.

When the matter was mentioned, the judge said something like "I don't know how you do it Mr [insert surname here]", and I said "beginner's luck", lol.

But despite how easy that was, I still managed to fuck up. The judge asked me if there was a stay. I panicked, looked at the wrong part of the document and said no. The judge began to say something before I found the correct part and corrected myself. I really should just calm down and take the time to check properly. Now he knows I might just say anything to get rid of something. God, felt so bad.

I also managed to get the papers to Simon J. I went to his courtroom and everything was in session. I sat at the back, and then walked out. I saw the cofficer walk out and thought about asking her to pass it on when she came back, but she took too long so I went back in. This time I sat in the front row, trying to get as close as possible to that guy on the side who I was pretty sure worked for Simon J.

I kept looking over at him to try to get his attention. After a while he finally felt someone looking at him and looked at me. I gestured for him to come over, but the fuckwit instead gestured for me to go over. Fukcing idiot. The last thing I wanted was for Mud to see me, and for the judge to see someone from the DDP giving the defence some papers. I went over and asked if he was with Simon J, and gave him the papers to give to him. Simon J had turned around by now and smiled at me.

I better not fucking see this guy in court because I'm going to hammer him for what he did.

I spent the rest of the day sitting in the office worrying if Mud had seen me. I could just see her storming up to me and asking me what it was that I gave to them. It wouldn't look good, no matter how I tried to explain it. I never saw her come into the office, but by the end of the day I figured she had come in because I saw Simon J outside at the lift when I went to get a gummi bear. Looks like it was mission accomplished. Never doing that shit again.

After work I went to rent some videos, and as I was driving out of my street, I looked right and left and saw no cars, so slowly proceeded because of all the little rocks that's there at the corner, and as I was going out this ute came from the right and the driver looked at me like I was an idiot for not seeing him. God, that really downed my confidence. I couldn't do a simple mention, and now I couldn't drive. I seem to fuck everything up.

I used a coupon to rent Wolverine, and three other weekly movies for $8. I then went to the shopping centre to get a mop so I could clean the floor, and also bought a black tie for $20 from K-Mart. I know I told myself I would only buy perishables up here, but I have been looking for a tie like that for a while, and in the past I've almost always regretted not buying it when I wanted it again.

I got some takeaway from the Chinese restaurant near me. There was a dark blonde girl working, and she started chatting to me while I was waiting. At first I was tempted to think she may have been trying to chat me up, but then I started questioning her age. She seemed a little young, maybe under 18, and then I just told myself she was being friendly. She wasn't the brightest star, giving me the wrong food and making me walk back to return it just after I reached home. But while I was talking to her, I felt that I wouldn't mind the companionship of such a person.

I only ate half the food because there was so much, and didn't even finish the movie because I wanted to get some sleep.

Today I had my third sev appeal. No way this was going to fall through, right?

I actually felt a bit sorry for the kid. He's a law student, no record, and must've just gotten some drugs off some friends at a festival. And now he wants a clean record so he can become a lawyer. I had decided I wasn't going to push too hard, not only because I felt sorry for him, but also because I didn't deem it as very serious.

His barista called him to give evidence, and he looked like he was about to cry.

Oh god, don't cry!

And then I cross-examined him. All of a sudden I felt like RB.

"You said you made some enquiries with the [insert authority here] is that correct?"

"Yes"

"And as a result of those enquiries, you were told something along the lines of that it would definitely not look good?"

"Yes, but that it was still possible"

Oh god, why did you say that.

"So you agree with me that it's still possible to become a lawyer in QLD notwithstanding this conviction?"

"Yes"

I sat down.

When asked for subs, I said I didn't wish to be heard.

The judge didn't give it to him. I wonder what role, if any, I had in influencing that decision. I really did feel sorry for the kid. His parents were crying.

Had I just ruined someone's future career?

I didn't feel good about myself at all. I wanted to call Bush and ask her if this was how she felt, and if she enjoyed her job. Really, you gotta be some sort of sicko to enjoy this.

Ben was calling me the terminator, as he had seen me cross-examine and also because I was now technically 3/3.

I spent the rest of the day reading stuff and making phone calls, only to be thrown a large file at nearly 4pm by the secretary saying it was for Monday and she had no idea why it was listed for Monday. Great.

I came home, eager to mop the floor, probably because I was eager to please and show that I was a good tenant. I used my new mop and dipped it in a bucket of water and detergent, and then started on the whole house. After that I started mopping with clean water, and then started drying. It was only then that I decided to google mopping floors, and found out that WATER AND WOOD DON'T MIX!!!

You should've fucking known this from basketball all these years, how water creates a lump on the court. And now I'm desperately trying to dry the damn floors with the fan and windows open. There is already a small lump in the middle of the lounge. Fucking hell. I just hope Pandy doesn't notice it, and more importantly, that it doesn't get worse.

Speaking of Pandy, she had written me a note on Wednesday, and among other things, asked if I wanted fly screens. I sent an email saying not really, but I wouldn't mind it either. I feared she may have been doing it out of a crush on me, but if not, I didn't want the situation where five months from now I decide not to re-new the lease and she says "oh but I did x and y for you". Anyway, she replies yesterday by email, and says she will be over more next week to water the plants, and might stay over one night.

WTF feeling rising...

Then she says that maybe we can even have a camp fire with a few beers.

F.........

My first sev appeal

So my house mate Kim left yesterday. It was kinda fun to have someone around the house, even though at times I preferred to be stuck in my room. On Monday night she brought some friends over, and although I sat in my room watching Passengers, I enjoyed the liveliness and noise the group was generating. It was the closest thing to home.

And so, yesterday it was kinda sad whe I came home from work to see Kim talking to Pandy, and then Kim telling me she was leaving. On a side note, I am really beginning to feel a 'vibe' from Pandy. I must admit, I found her to be somewhat attractive initially when I met her, with her cowboy hat and all, but there's one image I can't get out of my mind - when she was over on the weekend, she raised her arm and I saw her armpit hair. I don't think I've ever seen a woman's armpit hair. It kinda grossed me out a bit. She seems to laugh at the things I say even though it's not funny. When she first saw me in a suit she made a remark about how I looked smart in a suit and touched my arm. And yesterday, when I changed into my pajamas, she said "nice pajamas" and winked at me.

...................

I felt like I wanted to talk to Kim more than Pandy. It felt like the Twish-Jennifer situation; even though I met Twish/Pandy first, my view of them changed and I felt more 'magnet-ed' towards Jennifer/Kim.

I thought about offering Kim a ride to where she was catching the bus, but thought she might think I was coming onto her, but after a while I re-considered and offered. She said no at first, but when I asked again she said yes and called to cancel her cab. We stopped off at Macca's drive through so she could get something to eat, and then I dropped her off at the train station. We had a nice chat in the car. She asked me a few questions about my work. I know she was just being polite, but it felt good to talk about myself.

Today I had my first sev appeal. It would be my first time speaking in court in a looooong time. I would break my drought. I was nervous AS!

Even though I had gone to the toilet twice at home, when I got to the office I had that diarrhea feeling. I find that I get that when I'm nervous. Part of me was begging for the CDDP to offer me a job so I could not only go back to Sydney, but also take a role which didn't involve as much advocacy. Another part of me was telling me I could do it, that if other people could, then so could I; that if Karen looked so nervous doing it with her 21 years experience, then so could I; that I used to do this all the time at Nom's firm and it was nothing.

Getting into Ben's car holding a file and sensing that familiar smell of his dogs, I was on my way to court. When I got there I stood around, waiting to see what lawyer acted for the other side. Not many unfamiliar faces came in, so when this tall white guy walked in, I assumed he was the app.

Other matters were mentioned before mine, but when those were over we reverted to doing things down the list, and Ben turned around from the bar and gestured for me to approach. Only him and Karen were there from my office, and I was comfortable with them seeing me. I think I am the closest to them and they are my favourites. If anyone was going to watch my first time as a prosecutor, I was glad it was them.

I instinctively approached the bar and said "I appear in this matter your Honour". I thought about it, then added "for the Crown". I spelt my name for him and then mentioned my matter. Apparently the dude had sent a letter to court saying he was withdrawing. The judge asked me a few questions to confirm the previous orders, and then said something about this being an easy "baptism" but that it won't be so easy next time, lol.

I turned around and saw Karen smiling like a mother who had just witnessed her child take their first steps.

I was sooooo glad and relieved that was over. I was a little disappointed it didn't eventuate, but oh well.

I was quite happy, but then bumped into Simon Joy at court. We exchanged pleasantries and then I went into our room to talk with Ben. I saw Simon Joy waiting outside, but thought he was waiting for someone else. When I came out, he asked if I could receive a fax for him at my office because his hotel charged $1 per page. I said yes, but in hindsight, I shouldn't have, and he shouldn't have asked.

I started freaking out for the rest of the day, because I was pretty sure it was for a matter which Claire Mud was in, and I could just picture her face when she found out I had helped the other side.

I messaged Simon Joy to tell me when the fax was coming through. Whe I bumped into him again he asked what time would be best and I suggested 5pm, when most people had left. At 4:45pm, I received a call from his secretary saying she was faxing it now. I started stalking the fax machine back and forth. I think Sarah and the work experience student thought I was acting suss.

I just needed to get all of it before Claire Mud got to the fax machine. If she saw it or picked it up, I was dead meat. My reputation would be ruined, in less than two weeks.

Finally the fax was coming through, and luckily it was a new machine so it was quite fast. But then it ran out of paper. I tried to get some myself but had to ask Sarah for help. She offered to help me re-fill it, but I said I could do it. I couldn't. I stuffed it up and the paper got jammed. She spent like 10 minutes helping me un-jamming it, and also helped me put the machine back.

Fucking hell, talk about a covert operation gone wrong. At that moment I just wanted to get the 95 page fax as soon as possible and disappear.

I ended up getting all of it without Claire Mud's awareness. The secretary called back saying Simon Joy would like it in an envelope. I went to the stationery room to try to find one, but could only find really big ones. I took one and Andrew saw me. He must've been wondering what the hell I was doing with such a big envelope.

Screw it.

I put the envelope back. I've helped him enough. Now all I need to do is get it to him without anyone from my office seeing.

My first weekend

Yesterday I decided to go for a drive, half to check out a whoring place and half to explore. I drove to Ballina and checked out the shopping centre there. It was bigger than the one here, but still nothing compared to the ones in Sydney. I heard a girl say to her friends something about Asians when she saw me. I still stand out very much, and it is not a good feeling.

I went to the K-Mart there and bought a torch (realised I needed one after that horrific thing I did to my car, poor baby), an iron and an ironing board. I then drove to the brothel, was introduced to this fat tongan lady with tattoos on her chest and kindly said no thanks and walked back out. No way in hell I was gonna waste my money on that.

On my way back I stopped at the Big Prawn restaurant and had an omlette and small chips. The omlette was pretty damn big, so didn't think I needed the chips. The guy must've thought I was a tourist, so when I said "g'day", he probably thought I was mocking him. As I ate, I stared out the window and wondered if this would be my life for the next two years. Did RB and DY go through this train of thought when they went out west? Would I take a Sydney job in a heart beat?

I drove back 'home' and checked out the cinema. I wanted to watch the Time Traveller's wife but it was starting at night and I didn't want to be out at night. When I got home Pandy was still working on the gardens (she got there earlier in the morning when I had a scrub of my car, got all the dead insects off the front). I then went out to get an account at a video store, and rented The Butterfly Effect 3 and Valkyrie.

I watched Valkyrie, and then went out to get some take away from the Chinese restaurant close by. When I got back, a girl came out of her room and called out. It was Kim, my house mate. We introduced ourselves and then had a chat at the dining table as I ate. Maybe it was because I was told she was a student, she rode her bike everywhere, and how she seemed to be a neat freak by gleaning at the items around the house, I got the idea that she was a young and attractive girl.

She turned out to be a little older, and not as attractive as I'd had thought. Don't get me wrong, I still thought she looked kinda pretty, just not what I had in mind. I thought she looked Spanish or Italian, but turns out she was Aboriginal. I think we got on quite well. Now I don't want that old lady Toni to move in. I kinda wanted the ambulance guy for a more blokey environment, but Pandy said he took another place.

Today I washed my white shirts and then washed my car. I then drove out to get a car cover for my car, because I was starting to get sick of all the insects crawling around on my car, the leaves falling onto it, and the whole exposure to the sun, rain and dirt thing. I got some Chinese fast food from the town square food court, which really sucked. I watched Butterfly Effect 3 as I ate it. Good idea, but kinda over-used.

I decided to have a go at ironing my shirts, and then realised that the one I was wearing on Friday night when I got my car stuck was still dirty from me carrying the log. Grrr. I'll have to hand wash that I guess. Still very new to ironing shirts, so I even googled it, lol.

I gave Ele a call. I called her on Wednesday night but there was no answer, and no call back. I wasn't as angry as I'd usually be, but instead I was telling myself I should move on. I guess out of boredom I called her. To my surprise she picked up. She asked me how I was and said she was at Myer shopping with her friends. She asked me how the place was and I said it was a bit quiet. I think she got my gist, meaning I was lonely. She asked if there were any interesting cases and all I could think of to tell her was that one I watched Karen do on Friday. I asked about her cholesterol, her stress and the lady at work and she said they were all good. I was looking for any hints that she wanted to end the call and do the shopping, but couldn't pick up any. She asked when I would be returning to Sydney, and I wondered if I should tell her or surprise her, but I ended up saying in about two weeks. She said to let her know when I do.

I then went out to return the DVDs and go for a walk. I dropped them off in the return chute, then decided to check out where the train station was. It was a bit of a walk, and I noticed that the main streets of this city were desserted, and this was at 5pm on a Sunday. Farking hell. I sort of found the street where the station was, but a dog was hanging around and I wasn't sure if I was in a condition to outrun a dog so I turned around and went back to the video store. I rented The Terminal (something I came very close to buying at JB Hi-fi on several occasions) and Passengers.

I got some noodles from the Noodle Box shop and came home to watch The Terminal. Great movie, who knew they could get so much out of so little. Sad though that Zeta-Jones still went with the bastard. I guess they went with reality and not some fairytale ending.

My first week at work

So I've made it. It wasn't that tough at work, but it sure was tough last night.

Anyway, so during the week I've mainly just been following Ben and Karen to court. I find a bit of an affinity for Karen, secretly because she's kinda sexy in that mature conservative way, but overtly because she kinda reminds me of Colette at Coke. It made me wonder where I would be today if I had stayed at Coke.

I find that Karen tends to have no hesitation in using me as a para, not that I have a problem with it, but it was interesting to note. Remember how I asked if Ben was my new DC? Well I figured out that he's my new Mis. He's taken me under his wings, sometimes he'll come over and ask if I know about a particular case and then tell me about it, or he'll give me a few practical pointers. But he's Mis, and not DC, because he still maintains that working relationship line, and doesn't make it feel like as if he's wanting to be friends.

Oh, and I also got a call during the week from the CDDP, asking for my permission for them to check my referees. Of course, I said yes. But it made me think about what I would do if they offered me a job. The pro of it would be that it's a two year contract and it'd be back home. The con of it would be that it's less money and I'd piss everyone here off. I found out that I was this office's first external recruitment. They normally have people transfer internally to this place, so it's been a lot of effort from them to train me. I really appreciate Cole and Amy for showing me the ropes on the computer system.

Yesterday Brendan had this long talk with me, which I took to be some sort of "welcome to the office" speech. You know how you hear of coaches and managers meeting up with NBA players to try to persuade them to stay or come to their team? I felt like the player in that situation. Apart from actually inking a new contract extension, he gave every hint that I was there for the long haul. He talked about moving up the ladder, there and in the city, about how people haven't left since they've arrived, and about how fast I'd develop my skills there (in comparison to city people). Now imagine if I left after a few months?!

Yesterday was also probably consciously my first change into a prosecutor's mindset. I was watching Karen's sentencing matter about how these kids had kidnapped the wrong person and beat him up for about 20 minutes. EVerytime there was mention about how serious the offence was, the family in the courtroom would shake their head as if it was wrong, and everytime there was talk about how good these kids were, they'd shake their head as if it was right. I mean, come on, your kids kidnapped and bashed someone up, can't you see that?

Anyway, so after work last night, I decided to go have a bit of fun. I haven't gambled since 17 September I think, and I haven't gone whoring since about that time either. So I looked up some of the personals in the local paper and made some calls. Most calls went either unanswered or didn't get through because it was off. But after some research on the net (which showed there is barely any of that stuff here), I found a few places which I drove to.

The first place was quite far away, and I was introduced to four ladies. They all looked drug fucked, so that was the end of that. I still remember the image of the last girl, a blonde, who had so much powder on her face I nearly threw up looking at her as she held my hand. I was so glad I mustered up the confidence to say no and walk out.

The second place I went to was a little bit better. The first girl was a tall brunette with short hair. She did appeal to me at first, but then I looked at all those earrings on her ears and told myself no. The rest of the girls were pretty bad too, so I used an excuse saying I was looking for an Asian girl and left.

I went to get some Hungry Jack's and returned home to eat it while watching How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. After eating, I got the exploration urge again and decided to go check out a few more places I had found on the net. I went driving around looking for a couple but didn't find them. They seemed to be either industrial or residential. I decided to call it a night and when I was trying to reverse my way into the backyard, I knew I was too close to the edge but stupid, STUPIDLY, kept on going, and then WHAM!

My wheel got stuck in the gutter. It was actually airborne, so no matter what I did I couldn't get it out. I was in deep shit. It was dark. It was wet. It was dirty. I tried to get a log (and remember, I am still in my work clothes) to stick it under the wheel, but there was too much water there and I couldn't see how deep it was.

I called NRMA, and they said they'd be around in 30-40 minutes. I did have a few urges to try to fix it myself, like stupidly, STUPIDLY, trying to lift and push the car myself (no, you're not that strong). Surprisingly they came rather quickly, in like 15-20 minutes. I thanked the guy for coming and showed him the problem. After having a look at it I could see him trying to figure this one out. It was in a pretty tight lane so that made things even harder. I guess this was kinda the fun part of his job, the challenge of solving problems.

He said he would reverse his car from the other end and then try to drag my car out. It sounded good to me, but I had a bit of fear that he might pull my bumper off. Who cares, I thought, the most important thing was getting your car out, not alarming the neighbours and having them tell Pandy what a tool you were.

The strategy actually worked. I couldn't believe it. It made so much sense, was so logical, but I still couldn't believe it. I thanked the guy a million times, asked to shake his hand, and he seemed a bit humble. I thanked him again as he left. I wonder, was it bad of me not to give him a tip? I would've, but I didn't know if it was appropriate for him. Man, he was my life saver. I will try to remember his face forever. He kinda looked like that guy with brown hair in Dawson's Creek if I remember correctly.

I was sooooo glad I could just go inside, change and fall asleep on my bed. Nightmare over.

First day as Crown

I must admit I was very nervous yesterday walking to work. I kinda felt like throwing up as I walked along the main in anticipation of working at a completely new place. When I got to the building I didn't know what floor they were on, so I ended up going up level by level. I finally found them on level 3 and rang the buzzer. I was greeted by a cheery old man who I thought was Brendan, the manager I spoke to on the phone, but turned out to be the office manager who was in charge of admin I guess.

He introduced me to a lot of people including Brendan, Alana (the girl I'm replacing because she got promoted), Amy (the admin lady), Ben (a guy I'll be working closely with) and a lot heap of others. I can't remember their names.

I was told that they'd ease me into the role so for the first two weeks all I'd do is watch Ben. Ben actually played a joke on me. He shoved me three files and asked if I could do them in court that day, and I said sure, feeling the pressure. I went back to my desk to read them to see what their status were, and after a bit of time he came over and said he was joking, lol.

So I went with him to court yesterday, and I watched intently as I tried to pick things up. There's only one D court judge here, so you kinda have a cosy aura around the courtroom. Later in the day Ben even introduced me to him, although he seemed a bit more concerned about Alana being "escalated" than me being there.

It got a bit tiring during the day because of the downtime. There was a time when we had to wait about an hour so Ben and I just sat in the room talking. We seemed to get along pretty well, but I was careful to not get along too well too soon, in fear of becoming friends. It was kinda like the DC situation. Did I see him as my new DC? Maybe.

He looks a lot younger than he is (40). He's from the city too, only been here for about seven months, but seems to enjoy it, saying he bought a large farm property and enjoys pretending to be a cowboy, lol.

I knocked off at five, and on the way home I spoke to Bush. I told her about how it was a bit of a redneck town and how I was lonely. That made me want to cry. She ended the call by saying I could call her whenever.

I then went to the supermarket to get some chips for the Melbourne Cup office sweepstakes (I had also put a $5 bet in to get more social with the people), and then got some Hungry Jacks to take back home to eat.

After eating I spent the rest of the night reading a case trying to helop Karen because it had to do with computers. I went to bed feeling good that I had exhausted myself to sleep.

This morning I woke up just like yesterday and went to work. It's an odd feeling to be doing everything yourself. I didn't go to court today because Ben was instructing Karen in a trial, but Amy brought my files along so I spent most of the day reading them.

There was also the Melbourne Cup today, so we all gathered around watching it. My horse ended up coming third, so I won some money, lol. After the race a few people talked to me about my previous case, and I could see that Ben was listening in from a distance. I tried to stay humble because I didn't want him to feel like the new guy was a threat. Earlier Alana said they were joking about the pecking order and said I was below Ben, and then added "just kidding". I mean, although technically we're on the same level, I do see myself as below him, because he's my mentor - so what? I really like and admire him for taking me under his wings. He took me through a sev appeal today which I really appreciated.

I felt like Chinese food today so after I got home I drove back out to a Chinese restaurant I spotted yesterday. I think you know it's not a good thing when you see a Chinese restaurant being run by white people. I ordered a curry beef with vegetables and rice, and it really had no curry flavour at all. Everything else was ok, but it had no taste.

Lismore

On Friday afternoon I met up with Malay at Gurang's house. When I called Malay he was there so I asked if I could go over, since he had told Gurang I was leaving anyway. When I got there I told them about the fight earlier, and then I went downstairs with Malay to help wax his car. The polish he had used was a crap one he said, which didn't make the surface smooth, but he just wanted to do a rough wax job before it got any worse.

Whilst doing that Gurang would talk to us from his balcony. I noticed he had put on some muscles on the arm and had a tattoo on his left upper arm. He said he was cleaning the house for inspection by the landlord, and also that he was going to China for a holiday after quitting his job.

Library guy called me, just to talk about the Fright Night photos he was trying to send me. After finishing the wax job, we decided to go hang out in the city. Gurang sounded like he had other plans but said he'd come anyway. I wanted him to go with his other friends though because I knew how aggressive he could get when drunk.

I went to my car first, and tried to return V's call but he didn't pick up. I drove home, then walked to Malay's bus stop where I found Gurang waiting. We talked a bit more about him leaving his job and what his tattoo meant. It was four Chinese characters having something to do with honour, integrity and stuff.

When Malay turned up we caught the bus out to the city, and bumped into Michael L and Eva on the bus. After telling them about the fight, conversation got a bit awkward because it was kinda like a different group of friends - Gurang didn't really know them and Malay was never considered close to them. I also wondered if they would tell Ele they saw me. Well, probably, but what I would really be wondering is what she would think of me spending my last day with my friends and not her.

When we got off the bus we walked to the cinema and saw Shuing waiting. Michelle had texted me earlier asking me why I was being rude to her, when I gave her a one word response to her message saying something like "today is a beautiful day for the beach". I didn't want her to think I was being rude so invited her out with us, and while we waited, we had coffee courtesy of Gurang, and then hung around the arcades a bit. We won more toys, but we failed again in getting a PS3.

When Michelle arrived, we went for dinner at Mamma's Kitchen, which has now changed to Mamma's. Usually I don't notice the difference but this time I noticed that the servings were a lot smaller for the same price, if not higher.

Malay and Gurang sat on one side, Michelle, Shuing and I sat on the other. We just talked about work and high school. Gurang had an alcoholic drink and I noticed its effect when he slapped Malay on the face a few times in quick succession, as if to pass it off as a joke. I was glad to see Malay slapped him in the back of the head as if to indicate he wasn't taking any of it. This was when I wanted Gurang out of the group because it would only get worse as he drank more and more. He was in talks with some friends over the phone about meeting them, and because I wanted him to go, when he asked what we were doing afterwards I said probably just more video games because I knew he didn't like it.

Dinner was split amongst everyone except me. It's pretty good to have all these freebies as a farewell, but I feel bad about feeling good about it.

After dinner we did head back to the arcades, and afterwards we decided to go for ice cream. Malay had to go meet other friends, so we said goodbye there. To my dismay, Gurang went with us to ice cream saying he'd only sit for a while and not eat whilst waiting for his friends to call. So we sat there eating ice cream for a while before Gurang finally left.

When it was just Michelle, Shuing and I, I felt more free to discuss topics closer to heart, like the topic of Ele without saying her name. Michelle just thought we were talking about relationships in general, but Shuing knew what I was talking about. Michelle actually questioned why Ele didn't have a boyfriend because she was at an age where people should marry. I told her she did.

After we finished our ice cream, we sat there talking when I saw Nigga Ho stand behind Shuing and put his index finger to his lips looking at me. He then shook Shuing which frightened him. We invited him to join us and he did, and we had a pretty good catch up session. I've bumped into him before over the years after we finished high school, but I was still amazed at how much he had changed - he had become so much more sociable. Shuing said quite the opposite, saying he looked like he hadn't changed, always so sociable.

Around midnight we decided to call it a night and caught a taxi back home. I got dropped off first, and even though I asked Shuing if he wanted any money for the fare (to which he obviously said no), I knew I didn't have any cash and that I'd have to use my card. Lucky he said no.

Yesterday morning I woke up and finished up packing. I nearly forgot my passport and stuff, which I need to show my new place of work. Imagine if I had forgotten about that! I guess I was a bit slow in packing because part of me didn't really want to leave. Even at the last minute, I was having second thoughts as it really hit me then that I was leaving home. It's a lot easier said than done.

When I was finally satisfied that I had 99% of everything I needed, I drove out to the city to get the rent money from my credit card. After parking and on my way to the ATM, I messaged Ele:

"Ele, I am leaving now, thanks for the dinner. I want to see a lower cholestorol Ele when I get back!"

She called me immediately, and I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't ignore it, so I answered it. She said goodbye and I asked her what she was doing. She said she was still sleeping. I said thanks again for the dinner and then said that I'd let her know when I got there.

I really didn't know what roads to take and that, but I just followed signs that pointed me in the general direction. It was supposed to be just one main road anyway. I drove for more than two hours before stopping at Bulahdelah for a break. The first thing I noticed amongst all the people sitting outside the pub drinking was that I was the only Asian. I got myself a sandwich and a bottle of water, ate it on some bench, and then continued on my way. Already my internet was out of range.

I told myself I'd stop every two hours for a break, but I could never do it because everytime I reached a rest area I'd just tell myself I'd stop at the next one, and it kept going on and on. Finally I stopped at a place for petrol (second time, first time was when I got lost and headed towards Maitland) and then got some Macca's. Again, not one Asian in sight. I felt a bit like a black man walking into a white neighbourhood.

I continued on my way after that, telling myself I'd stop once it got dark because I didn't want to drive in the dark. But when it did get dark, I found myself saying the same thing - that I'd stop at the next rest area but never did. I had a chance to stop at Grafton and sleep in my car, but I thought the next area was quite close, but when I passed it, it was just miles and miles of road, so I had to keep driving. I mean, I could've stopped on one of the rest areas on the road, but I told myself that I'd get fucking killed, being all alone in a car next to the woods.

When it got really dark, I started trying to tailgate others for vision. Most people were going too fast for me, so I eventually lost them. One Commodore wagon I followed was going pretty slow, but after a while I think they got sick of me so they went extra slow when I could overtake, so I did. I ended up following a large truck for the rest of the way, and even the truck had to use its high beams for vision because it was so dark. I did the same, turning it down only when there was a car approaching.

I parted with the truck when there was a sign pointing to the left with "Lismore". It led me onto one very long and narrow road, in between fields and fields of wheat. I was pretty scared. I wanted to stop and change CDs, but pictured some ghost getting into my car like they do in the movies. I was going pretty slow, so maybe that's why it took so long, but when I saw a car come out from a driveway, I eventually pulled over and these two guys asked if there was anything wrong. I asked them for direction and they said they were going to the same place and said I could follow them. They were really nice and eventually led me to Lismore, even though I had been on the right track.

The place they led me to was the main street. I walked around a bit, went into a pub to use the bathroom, did more walking before returning to my car. I found my house with a bit of help from my phone GPS map, and pulled up in front of it. It was too dark to make anything out, but it looked alright I suppose. I jumped into the back seat and tried to squeeze in with my luggage to sleep. At that point, I got the same feeling as I did on my first night in Hong Kong - I felt alone, and scared. I wondered if I was doing the right thing.

Every few hours I'd wake up when my position became too uncomfortable to bear. I'd change and sleep a few more hours. I woke up at about 5:30am to the sounds of birds chirping. I jumped into the front seat, lowered it and went back to sleep. I think I should've done that in the first place. I slept till about 8:30am before driving to the shopping centre and using the bathroom, getting something to eat and using the internet. Nothing much happened on fb while I was gone, except Jennifer posting a happy birthday video with her in a bikini. I thought that was a tad revealing, but what was more important was how much attention she seemed to want. That red flag just keeps getting bigger for me.

I parked back in front of my house until I received a call from Pandy asking if I was outside. I asked her how she knew and she said a neighbour called her. She said she'd arrive in about 2 hours, and asked me to check out the markets. EVen though I said I'd just stay put in fear of getting lost, I changed my mind and went to find it. Apparently it was a lot closer than the first mini-shopping mall I had been to.

I also got my second ever racial remark. At a roundabout these kids were crossing, and I thought they'd give way (as they're supposed to) but when I passed them the girl said "damn Asian". It stung for a while.

Whilst walking through the markets, I yawned and heard a male voice say "you're sleepy". At first I thought it was just some friendly guy, but it turned out to be two older men who I had suspected were trying to convert me for religious reasons. What struck me more was how odd they looked. I can't say pedophiles have a certain look about them, but these two just looked like pedophiles. They must've thought I was a lot younger than I was (they asked if I was a student). After some light attempts to try to convert me, I just decided to play polite and go quiet and see how long they could last. Eventually they gave up and fucked off.

I went back to the house to wait for Pandy, and she showed up right on time. She showed me the house, and I must say, it was pretty damn nice. It was just as it was in the photos. The girl who currently lives here as well won't be here until the weekend she said. After showing me the house and doing the paperwork, I paid her the advance rent and she said she'd be back to show another person the third room. I went off to get some bread, butter, orange juice, a pillow and sheets, and when I came back she was here.

It was an old lady who was inspecting the place, kinda a hippy type. She seemed nice enough, but I wondered if she would talk too much. She left without really making a decision, but I don't think she'll take it.

And so here I am now, after a shower, some bread and a shave, all alone in this house, and starting a new job tomorrow. I miss home. I miss my friends. I miss Ele. I want to cry.