Planning the farewell call

So two days back in Lismore, two days back at work, the feeling of loneliness and isolation has been a little easier to bear. This morning I was listening to "Unbreak My Heart" and "Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely". Great way to really sink further into your depressive mood.

I had a pretty efficient day at work today, got quite a lot done. Tomorrow is my first trial, I don't even know what I need and whether I'm ready. I have done everything Ben has told me to do, but I just get this feeling that I've missed something really basic, or that I'll stuff up.

We had a big morning tea today to celebrate Christmas, I felt nigelated because I didn't have anyone to talk to, and ended up in a three way conversation between the TLP student and the WAS lady, with the student telling us about how he had become allergic to dairy.

Throughout the entire day I have been thinking about how to deal with this Ele issue. Do I call her this Sunday as per usual, and then call her again just before she leaves? Or do I skip the regular call and wait for a final farewell call?

I've been thinking about, in that farewell call, that I have something to tell her, but I'll tell her when she comes back. Of course, what that is is that I like her. But will I tell her when she comes back? I don't know. I guess I'm hoping it will give her something to look forward to as well as providing a bit of mystery.

I also keep thinking about the going back to China thing. I've come to some sort of conclusion that it's just my paranoi and insecurity telling me that she will see her boyfriend when she goes back. I have absolutely no logical basis to make that conclusion at all.

But also, why would she tell me that she is considering buying a house if at the same time she is considering going back permanently? Was it all just a ploy to see my reaction?

I have such a strong urge to call her, I just want to hear her voice. But I can't...must...act...confident...give...her...time...to...miss...me.