Everything that has happened has led me to this point / heart to heart with Misha

I did the unthinkable, even though I never thought I could make myself do it.

I used the upcoming US trip money for gambling. Specifically, these were monies I was supposed to use to book our NBA tickets. I had transferred $2500 from Ubank to buy the tickets for all (and then they would pay me back), but then when I was about to buy them one night, I found out that the site that sells the tickets actually accepts coupon codes. So I did a search for them and could only find expired codes.

I messaged Jim and said we should wait until some valid codes turned up and he agreed. At that time, that was my genuine intention.

However, the next day (Thursday) when I realised I had so much funds readily available, I somehow convinced myself that I could easily use it to win one or two hundred dollars. I went to the casino and got absolutely smashed, losing $1300.

The next day, at lunch the urge came around again, and I lost $2000. I saw Julie too, and I went to her table at one point where it was fully seated, and leaned against one of the chairs waiting for her to acknowledge me. Her eyes roamed across me twice but no acknowledgement came.

I left feeling broke, depressed, and empty.

I had pretty much decided to see Misha, but the thing was, I had no accessible money. I had made a cash advance from my credit card the day before and paid it back in the morning, so the funds wouldn't be available until after 5pm at the earliest - but could I take the risk of booking for Misha and then not having those funds available?

And because I had withdrawn $2000 for gambling, that was my daily withdrawal limit and if I wanted anymore, I'd have to do it in person at a branch. I didn't want to do that because I felt hugely embarrassed that the teller would see me withdrawing so much so often.

In the end, I decided to do the latter, and at 4:30pm, I went to the bank closest to the office to withdraw cash. When I went in, I saw a girl sitting down at the seats and recognised her as one of the Korean girls who worked at the cafe downstairs in my building. There was a girl being served at the teller, and a man being served at the other teller, so I stood in line to wait.

It was then that I realised that the girl at the teller was falafel girl!

The man at the teller finished and I moved up and withdrew $800. I thought I heard a bit of a 'gasp' sound from falafel girl as she may have seen me and recognised me, but I didn't look. I felt bad enough that I was here withdrawing money because I had lost so much at the casino AND that these funds were being used to see Misha.

Then when I finished, I could see they were both standing near the seats. As I walked past, falafel girl looked at me and gave the biggest smile, almost like a laugh, almost as if she was seeing a celebrity, and I said "hello" and smiled as I passed.

At that moment, as I walked back to the office, I wondered if all the pain I had endured had fatefully led me to that point. Was this the reason I had lost so much money at the casino, so that I was forced to come here and withdraw and bump into her? Was this fate? Was it all done with a purpose in mind? Did God actually have a plan for me?

Seeing her outside of the cafe actually gave me some inspiration, maybe even hope, so much so that I even started to second guess my decision to see Misha. I realised the importance of $800 and felt like putting it back.

In the end, I went home, got changed and drove back out to see Misha at 7pm.

Although she initially asked me about the casino as usual, it turned out that it wasn't really the focus of the session. When I went on Thursday, I sat that she wasn't rostered to work, and so it was possible that she could've been there and seen me, so I didn't want to risk lying about that, and told her I went and lost $1300, but didn't tell her about my earlier loss of $2000 that day during lunch.

I asked if she went and she said she couldn't go anymore (because of her previous losses). I said good.

She asked if I wanted noodles and I said not really, as I wasn't really that hungry. I was wearing my 'Let me sleep' tshirt I got from Japan, and when I laid down on the bed, she was rubbing my stomach and laughed at my shirt.

She told me she wasn't happy, but when I asked why, she just said something about some days being happy, and some days not being happy. She mentioned something about obsession, and I joked that she was obsessed with baccarat, but she said she wasn't. I asked what she was obsessed with and she said relationships, but I wasn't too sure what she meant.

She asked me what I thought the purpose of life was, and I gave her the scientific answer of reproducing life. She half joked saying point of life was to eat, sleep and shit. She said she didn't like my answer and wanted another one. I told her you needed to have goals in life and to try to achieve them, and that they could be anything like climbing a mountain. She laughed and asked why people would want to climb a mountain.

She then asked me another question. I can't remember specifically what she asked, but it was something like the purpose of a man and woman.

She asked me if I still thought about her, and I didn't know what she was talking about. When she asked a few more times, I asked "my ex?" and she said yes. I said sometimes, but that she had a boyfriend now. She asked me how I knew and I said I have her on Kakaotalk and can see from her photo. She suggested that that shouldn't kill my chances but I said I wanted to move on.

I mentioned it was a Korean guy and she asked me how I knew and I said I could just tell from the photo. She asked if she was still in Australia and I said yes, but I didn't know how.

I told her about the time Jin slapped me on the cheek to ask for money. I asked if she remembered me telling her that I gave her money and she said no, even though I did. She asked if she was drunk and I said she was, but she could handle her alcohol. I was close to tears as I was telling her but I didn't cry.

She asked to see the messages on my phone but I explained that it was on my old phone, and that I got the new phone when I was in Korea to try to forget about her.

I told her that I thought sometimes some people gamble to replace one pain with another, and that when I used to play roulette, I would feel like it was a way of cutting myself. She understood my point. I also mentioned that my parents fight quite often and that it may have caused me to gamble.

She went out to get some drinks and came back with some sort of sweet potato drinks. I then told her about how Jin once said she would accuse me of rape if I went to the police about the money, and how I went crazy and told one of my friends (Bush).

We somehow moved onto another topic, and I half seriously suggested that one way of stopping both our gambling problems would be for her to marry me, then she could work at the casino, which would stop us both from gambling.

I told her I just wanted to live a normal life, and joked that I would go to work, come home, she would cook the instant noodles for me, we would watch a movie, sleep, then she would cook the instant noodles for me for breakfast because she couldn't cook anything else, and she laughed.

She asked me if I had ever tried a match making service, and I said no because it's hard to find two people who click. She told me lots of people in Korea use it as they don't have time to meet people due to busy work schedules.

She also asked me "if we are boyfriend girlfriend, then what?" and I remember talking about a plan but can't remember the specifics.

I think the question about match making wasn't a good sign, as it indicated that she cared about me but wasn't interested in me, and just wanted to flesh out some options for me (she's probably figured I'm just a nice guy who is lonely). However, her question about what we would do if we became boyfriend and girlfriend kind of gave me some hope - unless she was putting it in a way to show me there was no future.

We somehow got talking about her education, and when I asked if she went to uni, she said college. When I asked what she studied, she asked me to promise not to laugh, and when I said ok, she told me it was children's education. She said she hated studying and told her parents that if they forced her to keep studying she would kill herself. So then they suggested college and she was ok with that, but then she realised she hated children.

For most of the session we talked about me, but I would've wanted to ask her about her ex, and I'm not sure if she'd be willing to talk about it next time. I also got the impression from that session that she seemed to have something on her mind more than gambling.

When we walked out of the room, she held my hand. When I thought we were getting close to being seen by reception, I tried to pull away but she held on. Then I realised that it would've been perfectly normal for reception to see it as it would've been "part of the service".

I hope she's ok

Today at lunch I went downstairs for a sandwich again. Falafel girl was serving someone who I stood behind, and when the bastard was done, she asked if she could help anyone and I stepped forward. I asked how she was and she said good and asked me back.

I asked for the smoked salmon sandwich, and whilst she was making it, I studied her face and noticed a small mole on the top of her forehead where her hairline was. Then she looked up to ask me something, and caught me looking at her. To my surprise, I didn't flinch and look away, I just answered. I think she knew I had been checking her out, as she seemed to maintain a bit more eye contact as she gave me my change, and her eyes sparkled, and I noticed she brushed her hair back behind her ear.

After work I went to the gym with Jim, then we had KFC. I went looking around for earphones for my ipod mini, but in the end could't find a suitable pair, though a guy at the Apple store did give me a free pair of old earphones.

I checked WeChat and the shop posted their roster, with Misha missing. I assume she went to the casino.

I prayed that she wouldn't lose.

Nurse lady!

Not really sure what it is, maybe it's depression, maybe it's loneliness, but Jin has been creeping into my mind again. I really need to stop checking my old phone.

Anywya, at lunch I decided to go for a walk around the Korean fashion stores in the hope that she might be working there. On the way there, I walked past nurse lady. Not sure if she saw me, but I definitely recognised her.

I didn't see anyone remotely similar to Jin at the stores, so I just bought some cake at a Korean grocery store and headed back, when lo and behold, at the train station I came across nurse lady again! What were the odds!

Anyway, I went to the cafe in my building to get a sandwich, but because it was like 1:30pm, it was heaps crowded and falafel girl was busy serving. Yesterday I went at noon, and was practically the first one there but was served by a new girl on her first day on the job. Falafel girl stood in the background and when I looked at her, we both smiled at each other.

Oh my god I'm melting...

Misha at the casino

On Wednesday or Thursday after work, I can't remember which, I went to the casino. I went to the baccarat area first to see if Misha was there, and spotted her playing at a table "downstairs". She looked like she was sitting on the edge of her seat, appearing a bit anxious, which I took to be a not very good sign (usually indicates someone is losing and desperate for a win).

I went to the roulette tables and played there. I won $300 then went back to the baccarat area. I was trying to win $100 to give to Misha, thinking I could maybe quickly slip it by her side, nod and walk off.

However, I lost the first hand immediately and only went down from there. I must be the WORST baccarat player in the world. Can't even use $2300 to win $100.

I was down to about $1400 and wondered what the hell I had gotten myself into. But I started go to on a bit of a winning streak, and managed to walk off with $2700 when the shoe ended.

I saw Misha playing at another table downstairs and went to sit opposite her. She didn't notice me at first, but when she looked up and saw me, I gave her a cheeky smile and she did the same. She had $200 on banker and I put $100 on player. There was a guy next to her who also bet on player.

He squeezed the cards and it came out as 4 and 5 - natural 9.

Misha lost and then nodded for me to go outside with her, so I followed her out to the smoking area. She asked why I bet against her and I said insurance. She asked me for money and I gave her $100, then she asked for more so I gave another $100. I could tell she had lost for the night. She wanted $300 more but I said I needed to play with it. We talked a bit more as she smoked but it was clear she wasn't in a very talkative mood, and she nodded for me to go back in so I did.

I walked around a bit, watching Julie work as she dealt with some very angry Vietnamese lady (she is such a good natured person) and keeping an eye on where Misha was. After a while, I lost track of Misha and decided to go home with a $500 gain.

On Friday I went to the casino during lunch because I was bored out of my mind. I won a bit of money and left. After work, I met up with Jim for the gym, and then we went to dinner at Hokkaido.

Yesterday morning I went for a jog around the park as I was still angry from Thursday night's loss which ruled out any minuscule chance we had at making the playoffs. After that I went to basketball as usual. I was pretty tired after about two hours but kept playing and hung around a bit, when some girls wanted to start a half court four on four game.

The girl I was marking was actually pretty good, and she was quite pretty too. She was sticking close to me and had an arm in my stomach most of the time, so I did the same, and I could feel her abs. I wonder if she thought I was flabby or abby?

After that I went home, had a shower, then went out to the casino. I played roulette, won $300 then went to the baccarat tables, won $100 and left.

This morning, I went to the courts for a shoot around, then came home and went out to the casino. Starting with $2000 at roulette, I slowly made my way up to a $100 gain before losing pretty much everything. It got pretty ridiculous as it landed in 0-3 like five times in a row and three of them was 9.

I cashed out the last $200 I had and went to try my luck at baccarat. I somehow managed to claw my way back up to $1600 before losing $600. I went back to roulette with $1000 and saw that for the last 11 spins it had landed in 1-2. So I thought, one more right? Nope. It landed in fucking 0-3 for the next four spins as I lost everything else I had remaining. Fuck.

I caught a taxi home, and for some reason the dumbass driver took me the long way through the tunnel even when I questioned him about it, saying there wasn't a toll involved. It turned out to be a few dollars more than usual and I didn't give any tip at all.

I then drove out to pick Daniel up for basketball and when I got to Stratty he told me he had lost his wallet and couldn't come. That familiar sense of disappointment swept over me and I felt like crying for some reason.

I went to basketball without him and had some pretty good games. I was on Paulo's team and figured we could win all games. We won the first, then lost the next few. I realised that we won when I played good defense and ran the court on fast breaks. When I couldn't be bothered, we would lose.

After that I drove home, feeling very lonely and depressed. I showered and changed, then decided to go see Misha, even though I had decided earlier I would give her a ban of one week for taking my money and then telling me to go away. But I was depressed, and lonely, and waned someone to talk to. I was also hungry and really felt like one of her noodles.

I booked  and went to see her. The receptionist guy had a small dog for some reason.

I waited a bit because I was early, and then saw her 15 minutes before my booked time. When we went into the room, I gave her a piece of Turkish Delight and asked if I gave that to her, would she make me noodles. She said no, and I sat down on the bed, and asked "chincha?" and then she said ok. She came back to tell me there was no cling wrap left so she had to boil the water which would take a few minutes longer.

Anyway, she came back with it and I ate it as we talked. I asked if she had been and she said she can't go anymore. I asked why and she didn't want to say, and she walked out before coming back with a small pack of biscuits. I asked if she lost and she said yes. She said her total loss was now $20,000.

Ouch.

She said this happened on the night I saw her. I laughed at her losing to a natural 9 and she asked why I bet against her and I again told her it was insurance and I gave her the money back anyway.

The noodles I was eating was very good lol. She had some kimchi as a side dish this time, but the green-ish type, not the yellow-ish type.

I told her about my day at the casino, and she told me to just focus on one "major", and not play both roulette and baccarat.

We both talked about the addiction and quitting. She said she was going to have one more go to win half of her debt back. I asked if she wanted to go together and she said no as she needed to focus. She then told me about the guy friend she was with the night she saw me, and said he was bothering her and borrowing money from her, which made her really moody and lose. She said she messaged the guy to not talk to her for a while.

She said something in passing about if she stayed in Australia, she could work in the casino. I wondered if she was actually contemplating staying, and whether that was some sort of subliminal message for me?

She also told me she had a Korean customer who lost $98,000 in the VIP area and invited her to go, but she said no after I told her that you needed to show ID.

As I was eating she had laid down on the bed with her feet on the wall. After I finished eating I joined her by laying next to her and we continued to talk, sometimes holding hands. It was only when she got excited she sat up to talk.

She said I was a lawyer and asked why I gamble. I didn't say anything. She asked when I started gambling and I said around 2008-2009, but there were times when I stopped, like when I had a girlfriend or when I hurt my leg.

I said I wouldn't gamble for the next fortnight, and she made me do the pinky handshake to promise. She said if she saw me in the casino within the next fortnight, she'd add 10% interest to my "debt" (which stood at $1100), and she'd take all my chips. I asked if I could at least go in and watch and she said I couldn't even go in to use the toilet lol.

She asked if I won in basketball tonight and I said yes. She asked what do I won, implying there was no money to be won.

Just before the buzzer went, she said time was up, which was pretty good timing on her part. She asked me to carry the bowl and utensils back for her which I did, and when I handed it over at the girls waiting room, she put her cheek out for a kiss and I kissed her on the cheek.

Big losses / Misha

On Saturday morning I had a shoe raffle to go to for the Jordan 1's powder blue, but the naughty side of my brain figured I could make it to the casino before that to win a few hundred dollars.

So I got to the casino at around 7am, won about $300 at first but KEPT PLAYING and slowly slowly lost it. Now I was getting trapped. I couldn't leave until I got my money back, and it was getting so close to the 8am raffle. I started to bet big, and luckiyl on one $500 bet, I won, leaving me with a $100 gain.

I had quickly learnt my lesson and left the table. But I had heard the supervisor talk about someone betting the maximum of $50,000 on another table, so I decided to quickly check it out. Surely not $50,000?

I went upstairs and indeed saw a guy playing $50,000. He lost.

I saw another guy betting $50,000. The first guy returned to the table and lost again.

Even though it wasn't my money, it hurt me to see that. I had spotted Summer earlier, and went to find her to tell her about it. She said she had started work at 4am and was tired. I told her about the people betting max and she seemed surprised.

Anyway, I went to the raffle and didn't get picked. I went back to the casino area as that was where I had parked to get my car. The thought of going into the casino and skipping basketball was tempting, but I forced myself to go.

I was glad I went, because I enjoyed it, getting out there and running, and it wasn't too hot.

After basketball, I went home, showered, changed, and...headed back out to the casino. I saw Summer again, and first thing I said was "I did go home, I didn't stay here the whole time", which for me, showed my guilt. Not sure if she picked it up, because she said "I've been here the whole time" implying she was exhausted.

Later, while I was at the baccarat tables, I saw Summer going up to the main desk in the area, and then it looked like she was just walking around pushing chairs into the tables. She came over and asked if I was winning and I shook my head. I was losing pretty badly, and then decided to go talk to her when she was nearby again.

I noticed her eyes were really red and told her so, and she said she got up at 2:30am to do the 4am shift. I asked if she was supposed to go home by now if she started at 4, and she said it was over time. We talked a bit about the guys betting max in the morning before I walked off.

I went to roulette and lost there too. I had $1000 left and decided to take the risk to try to get the $3000 I had already lost. I found a table where everyone was betting player, and I put a $1000 chip down on player.

The banker cards were a natural nine.

Are you fucking serious???

I had lost $4000 just like that.

Later on, I went to Saturday basketball. I played alright, and my legs felt good, I felt light (having weighed in at 69.95kg on Friday).

After basketball we all went to eat as usual. As we sat there and ate and talked and laughed, I thought about how this was normal. This was life. Not the casino. Not seeing Misha in the brothel. This was it.

I felt like I was being pulled away from the world of gambling and brothels.

On Sunday I basically bummed at home all day before driving to Ashfield to pick up Daniel for basketball. I got a bit lost driving to Marrickville so we were a bit late. I had some pretty horrible games, not hitting a single shot for the night ad having to play forward for the whole time.

After basketball we went to a Strathfield Korean restaurant to eat as he wanted to have Korean schnitzel. As soon as we went in I scoped the place out to look for someone I know, perhaps Jin.

No one.

We had a good meal, and agreed to try that spicy instant noodle with spam thing next time, as I told him I loved that.

Yesterday and today I have been pretty busy at work, which I suppose is good. Yesterday I went to the cafe for lunch, and had falafel girl make my sandwich. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive, but I got the feeling she was putting on a bit of a cold front. She did ask me if I wanted number eight, and when I asked what, she looked back at the board and said something about me not being able to see it (as there was stuff covering the number eight order).

Today I went again, but had the girl next to her serve me. I was disappointed, until she collected my money and asked "no falafel wrap today?" and I smiled and said "next time" which she repeated.

YES! SHE IS INITIATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walked off with a big grin on my face, hehe.

After work I decided to see Misha. I had messaged the shop but got no reply, so I went home. Sure enough, on the way home the shop responded and said she was working. I made a booking and drove out there to see her, taking the Korean 'Rich Dad Poor Dad' with me.

When I saw her, she said long time no see. Even though I visited her in the shop last week and saw her at the casino on Wednesday, it really did feel like it had been a long time.

We started talking about the casino, and she said she saw me and I said I know. I was talking about Wednesday and I think she was too. However, she reckons we never made eye contact and never acknowledged each other, even though I said we looked at each other and smiled. She said something must be wrong with her mind as she couldn't remember. She said she just recalled seeing me standing at the $200 table focusing on the screen.

I made up a story about how I had won $10,000 on that night she saw me, saying there was a streak of 14 banker wins (that bit was true). Her first response was "don't lie" but I levelled it out by saying I lost $5000 on Saturday (close enough to the truth).

I asked if she had won and she said she won a few hundred then lost a few hundred. She asked me who was there with her and I said a guy friend and a girl friend, but I didn't mention that I knew Angel.

When I told her about my loss on Saturday, especially how I had lost $1000 against natural nine, we both collapsed back onto the sofa and she said she knew how that felt.

I then took out the book and gave it to her. I thought she would kinda just dismiss it since it wasn't jewelry or anything, but to my surprise she actually studied it thoroughly and asked me how I got it, and noting that the author was Japanese. She said it was an old book but a best seller. She flicked through it and found the $100 note I slipped in there. I said I was afraid she'd give the book to her friend without finding it, and she told me she has lots of books she reads.

I told her reading the book would make her smarter than 90% of the population. She said something about her not being smart, otherwise she wouldn't be in the shop. I told her not to think that way and she said she didn't believe in "think positive". I told her she needed to try, and told her the story of my high school experience which motivated me to study hard for university.

We talked more about the casino and money. I explained why I had been at the casino so early on Saturday morning (because I had to raffle for shoes) and she said there was no point in buying material things. She said heaps of girls would borrow money from the shop to buy handbags and clothes, but it was more useful to use money to make more money. I told her she would like the book.

She told me she used to shop a lot, then do a lot of drugs, and now she was gambling a lot. I said I was thirsty and asked her to get me a drink. She asked me why I didn't ask earlier, and said she'd get me a cup ramen, and I said o. When she came back she said there were no cup ramen but gave me some sort of Chinese cake and a cup of milk.

So I ate and drank that as she smoked and we talked. After I finished eating I moved to sit next to her on the bed, leaning in close and trying to be a bit flirty.

I told her about how I had added a friend on facebook and that it turned out that he had Julie as a friend. She was shocked, before questioning me as to why I had facebook. She asked if I was lonely, and I told her I used it to go to basketball games. She said she didn't use it, and customers would ask her for it, and then asked me if she should get it. I told her it wasn't a good idea if she was working in this job.

I asked her when she'd be going to the casino next and she said soon. She said she had told the shop to divide the debt, and somehow that meant she had to go soon.

She told me that if I was losing then to give her the rest of the money to play as a way to change the luck. I said she never invites me and so I am left to play by myself, and she stopped to think about it. She said if I see her next time I can go up to her, and I said I won't if she is with her friends.

She also told me not to go so often, and said not to go more than three times a week. I agreed with her, saying when I was winning I would only go three times a week, but as soon as I started to go more I would lose.

When the session ended, she held my hand as we walked down the corridor. I noticed she was holding it quite hard and even squeezing it.

Playing against my own (old) team

On Thursday night was our big game against the team I created - Shoyo. Although only Alex and Jeremy remained from the old squad, it was so big that even Jim came to watch.

I must admit, I was a little bit nervous before the game. Maybe I was afraid of losing. Maybe I was afraid it wouldn't live up to the hype. Maybe I was afraid Nick would get into it with them.

Anyway, we had the lead throughout the whole game but there were times when they made runs and gave us a scare. I actually had a pretty good game, maybe my highest scoring game of the season. I started off with a steal off Jeremy then sprinting down the other end for an easy two. I hit a jumper stepping on the three point line, and then another one where the ball actually slipped out of my hands but at the last moment I managed to recover and flick it. I did a floater on a fastbreak which came off the backboard, and I had an easy two off another fastbreak.

10 points.

I did myself proud.

Can't wait to watch that game as Mike recorded it.

On Friday during lunch, I went to the casino. I saw the guy that Misha and Angel were with. He looks so young. I wondered if Misha was around but didn't see her. I won $400 and got out.

I returned after work, and nearly lost it all. I managed to recover and left with $100.

I was panicking because I had to meet Jim for the gym. It was supposed to be at 6, but I had to change it to 6:30pm. Even then, I only left the casino at like 6:20pm and was heaps late.

After gym we went to eat at Market City, then I went home, got changed and drove out to the casino. I saw that Misha wasn't rostered on so wondered if she'd be there.

She was. This time she was with another Korean guy. He looked similar to the first, in that he had short, oranged dyed hair, but wore black rimmed glasses. I saw them sitting at a $200 table, watched them play one hand, then went to play by myself.

At one stage I went to play at Katie's table and saw Misha standing by herself with her back to the table. I sat down, and when she turned around, I could tell she saw me. She stood around to watch the result of my hand, where I lost $100, then she walked away.

I won $300 and left the table. I took a quick walk around, and couldn't see them, then I left.

Misha at casino / rock bottom

I started the day pretty good, telling myself that this was a new beginning, and that I'd stop gambling for a while, to recoup some of my losses and save up for the big one before Misha leaves Australia.

I got a lot of work done in the first half of the day, and at lunch went to get a $4.50 Vietnamese roll to save money. I was feeling good.

Then the end of the day came. I had planned to just go home and play video games, but all of a sudden I began missing it. It was almost as if seeing everyone at the casino had become a daily routine, a habit, and I needed to go.

And just like that, I decided to go. And just like that, I withdrew the remaining $1500 from my personal loan account.

I went, and decided to win $100 at baccarat, then try roulette, and keep moving in between those two. I lost my first bet at baccarat, then doubled down and won $100. I went to roulette, and won $500 pretty quickly. At the next table, I saw Julie had taken over from the dealer. She didn't look over, but when I cashed out and the dealer yelled "fifteen hundred" I noticed she looked over at my chips.

I went back to baccarat spotted Misha, Angel and the guy near the baccarat tables. I hid behind a pillar and walked the long way around to the baccarat tables. I slowly lost a lot back. Pretty unbelievable. Why am I so much worse at baccarat than roulette, when it has a lower house edge??

Anyway, I found a table where some guy was betting big and I decided to follow. There was only standing room but I had pretty good position standing, being able to easily place my chips. The driver was betting like $2000 per hand, and I bet $100. It started to go on a 14 banker streak The driver would sometimes bet $2800, and at most I would bet $200.

I caught up and was back at $1500. When the streak ended, the driver left, which was pretty smart, as he had won quite a lot.

I stayed, and there was another mini banker streak, but I didn't play much of it. I started to lose again, and no matter which table I went to, I would lose. It was just so frustrating.

After a bit of walking around, I was standing at a table and saw those three walking towards me but to another table. Misha looked at me and smiled, and I nodded at her but stayed where I was. I lost more and cashed out $25 I had left for the taxi.

I just feel like...rubbish. Just so stupid. Useless. I wanted to cry as I left the casino. Have you ever lost so bad that you wanted to cry? Why do you keep doing it?

Misha Anniversary / huge losses

Yesterday was my big day at the casino, taking $4000 and trying to make a motza. It pretty much backfired as I couldn't replicate the other big day I had. The most I was ever up was $300 right at the beginning, and then I began to slowly fade away.

I saw Julie working at the bottom area after a while, and whilst I usually only play in the upper area, I decided to have a go at a table in the bottom area. I sat down at the table behind Julie, and just as I did, she got up for her break. I had a guess that when she came back, she would be at my table.

During her break I was making chit chat with the dealer, and right on time about 15 minutes later, Julie replaced him. I decided to be the one to break the ice this time by saying "new dealer tie" which made her chuckle a bit.

By now, all betting strategies and financial sense had gone out the door. I was placing my bets without much thinking, other than to keep it at the minimum $100, figuring I'd probably break even if practice held true to theory.

After a while I realised I was slowly losing, and I said to Julie she was a "bad dealer". She called me superstitious, and right after that I won the next few hands. We talked about the game and other players, with me talking about the guy who hangs around roulette and stinks. She said she thought she knew who I was talking about, and said he comes to check out the female dealers, as when they make eye contact with him, he instantly looks away.

I'm not sure if I was a distraction, or if she was just usually somewhat clueless, but she seemed prone to make mistakes at times. Like sometimes she would need a moment to figure out who the cards went to, or sometimes would take some time to figure out the winner, and at one stage when banker won on six, I was like "oh half price" and she said "oh thanks, I didn't even realise".

She brought up how this was a bad game to play, and I said this had a lower house edge than roulette, which she agreed with. However, I thought I detected a bit of a vibe from her which showed she didn't like me gambling. My theory seemed to gain a bit more support when the shoe ended and she asked if I had made my money back from losing early on when she started. I said something about how I had won a lot the past few days so it didn't matter.

I thanked her and left, like I would have done with any other dealer.

Settling into another table, I felt re-focused, but more importantly, I felt a sense of satisfaction. It was as if I had been satisfied...socially. Maybe that part of my life was missing and I came here to fill it, which Julie just did. But I still needed to try to win my money back as I was down about $2000.

A few times I made my way back up to around $3300 but never got closer than that. In the end, I lost it all.

After that I went to see Misha, but when I booked, the guy didn't tell me that at that particular time, she was only available for half an hour. So I got there and he told me that, and I was left with only a 30 minute booking.

When I saw her, we went into the room down the end on the ground floor as usual, and I complained about the booking. She asked if I wanted a noodle and I said there wasn't enough time. She wanted to go out and I said not to worry, but she insisted and went, and came back with a glass of milk and some weird looking snack. It was like a long piece of dried brown vegetable.

I tried it and it was chewy but a bit sweet. She said it was corn, and it went nice with the milk. She wanted to lie down so we did whilst chewing away at the corn snack. We talked about my day at the casino, and I told her about how that Vietnamese lady took me to the VIP area. I did lie though about the amount I lost, saying I was now down $1000 for the month. That amount actually looks pretty good right now.

I told her how we had met in October last year, so it had been a year now. She said I had promised her a ring before I went to HK, which I really don't remember, but I used the corn thing to wrap around her finger to try to make a ring out of it, and she ate it lol.

She asked me where we would be in 10 years, and I joked that we would have our kids. She said she didn't even know where she would be a year from now, and said maybe we would be walking, holding hands, without shoes (implying we had no money due to baccarat). I added we would yell out "picture!" which made her laugh lol. I also said we would go to the movies, and when waiting for the screen to light up, we'd yell "picture!" as well which made her laugh even harder.

Towards the end of the session, and before the buzzer went, she ushered me out which made me wonder why. Anyway, I thought maybe this was a good compromise as I didn't spend as much on a visit to see her.

Today
I woke up at 3am, feeling somewhat uneasy after yesterday's loss. I had sworn off gambling, and now I realised how Misha felt and why she needed sleeping pills. I bummed around on the net for a bit before going back to bed, but even then it was like I was just sleeping with my eyes half closed.

I woke up a few hours later and decided to go to the casino. I started with $2000 and aimed to win $200 and leave. I was up $250 pretty soon, but I felt some sort of social obligation to stay. I don't know why, but I just felt like I needed to stay. It felt so comfortable to just stay.

Of course, in the end, I lost everything, and made it to work just on time. I really wondered what I had become.

I went to court with Claire, and it never ceases to amaze me how many guys check her out or be real nice to her just because she is attractive. Having an attractive companion also has its perks too.

At lunch time, I couldn't help but go again. I was determined this time to win $200 and leave. I withdrew $4000 from the bank and...lost it all. I was never up. It was the most frustrating thing. You could've had someone follow me and bet opposite of me on everything and make a million bucks.

I looked around and mentally said goodbye for a while.

Back in the office, I got some work done, before getting the idea of seeing Misha after work, as I was feeling like shit. And because it was our one year anniversary, I thought about getting her a ring from Tiffany. She wanted a ring, so I thought that would work.

But as time came for it, an old idea popped back into my head - why not buy her a small gold bullion bar? I bet she had never seen one before, And it would be great insurance against her future losses at the casino. This could be an introduction to assets and values for her.

So at about 4:30pm, I went to that bullion place and bought one on my credit card. I had made a booking to see her already, and after work I changed and caught a bus to the shop.

I thought I was a bit late but I had to wait like 10 minutes anyway.

We went into the same room as usual, and I told her about how I woke up at 3am and thought about her and sleeping pills (she laughed), and how I went to the casino before work. I didn't tell her I went at lunch, and I lied, saying I had won $1000 so now was back to even.

I was sitting against the bed wall and asked her to sit in between my legs. At first she sat facing me before I asked her to turn around. She really wondered what I was up to and figured I was going to pull something out of my pocket. She was looking and I told her not to look.

I finally managed to pull it out after some struggle and gave it to her. She looked at the red pocket curiously and asked what it was. As she opened it and squeezed it, trying to see the silhouette of it, I yelled "picture! picture!" which made her crack up lol. I then yelled "ding ding ding ding ding" and "chou chou chou", referring to what people yell in baccarat.

She pulled it out and was still unsure what it was. I had her turn it over and she asked "gold?" and I said yes. She thanked me and seemed genuinely grateful. I pulled out my phone and showed her the website of the place I got it from, to show the price and others that were available. She said she liked the Buddha one but didn't like how it was a woman. I explained to her how the value can go up, and asked her to never sell it, and that it was just in case she lost money. She said she would never sell it.

I told her when I won money from the casino I would buy some, and that I would also buy them for my mum every year.

We started talking about baccarat, and she told me about a customer who came to see her after losing $1000, claiming that the dealers press down on some sort of button as they pulled a card out. I told her I always watch them pull cards out and never noticed. She said she is always looking at the monitor and never noticed.

She also told me about how she is so focused on the monitor, that one time she sat next to a customer for a whole hour without even realising he was there. I wanted to see where I stood, so I asked more about it, and she said she didn't talk to him that time, and he wasn't a regular. She said she would only say hi if she considered him a good friend.

She went out to make me a noodle, even though I thought there wouldn't be enough time, before realising it had only been about 10 minutes. About five minutes later she came back with the big bowl, but this time there was kim chi as a side dish instead of the other vegetable. I took the pillow and put it on my lap for the tray, and she said something about me being a quick learner.

I asked if she was really returning to Korea at the end of the year and she said yes. I reminded her that I was going to the US and she started telling me about how she had been around the world and I said I knew. I said we should have dinner outside before she leaves and she said "arisa" in Korean, meaning "I understand". Not sure if that was a good sign or not.

I asked if she would pay back the $12,000 in time and she said she would. She also said she would save a bit more to play one more time before leaving.

She asked when the new casino would open and I said 2019. She wondered what it would be like, and I said she would be in Korea anyway. She said she might come back for it.

She said her friend came from the US recently and lost $10,000 in Vegas, and warned me about gambling there. I said I wouldn't, as I don't gamble when I'm overseas and especially when I'm with friends. She asked why and I said I did not want to drag friends into it, when I knew what it had done to me when someone dragged me into it. She understood.

She told me another friend of hers had married an Australian here and wasn't working, and would look at the old grandmas in the casinos and pubs and think how that would be like her when she gets old. This led to her saying something about how she hated housework and cleaning, unless she had children. So I joked, saying to stop her gambling we must have children. She asked what would be their names and suggested 'Natural' (as in Natural nine in baccarat) would be good. I said we could name one Natural Nine and one Natural Eight, and if we didn't like the third kid we'd name him Baccarat. She laughed real hard at this lol.

I asked if she ever thought about her family when gambling and she said of course not. I told her about the old man I see at roulette who reminds me of my father, and the guilt I feel when I see him.

Again, before the buzzer sounded, she ended the session. I said I wanted to stay a few more minutes, and we talked a bit more. I promised her I wouldn't go back to the casino until we went together next time, and we pinkie promised. I had no more money anyway.

Casino VIP (Incognito Fail)

Yesterday I ended up going to the casino before work. Like, way before work. I think I got there at 7:15am or something. So what time did I leave home? Doesn't matter.

As usual, my goal of winning $100 or $200 became something more. I was up $600 when I saw that Vietnamese lady. We somehow got talking and she mentioned how she hadn't gambled for five years before coming back to it now, and that she also had access to the VIP area. I said I had never been, and she said she could take me up there to show me. At first I said not to worry, but she insisted, and so dragged me away to the upstairs area.

I was pretty excited, but also thinking it was such a bad idea, because I knew I'd have to produce ID. We went to the escalators, went up, and attended the counter. Of course, she knew the guy working there and he knew her. He asked me for ID and I produced my driver's licence. Then I received a printed ticket for it.

Great. Now I am RECORDED as having accessed the VIP area at 8:03am on this date. Before work. How am I ever going to explain this?

The ticket also showed her name, and I wondered if she received anything with my name on it.

Anyway, we went into the area, and to be honest, I was quite disappointed. It was a very small area, and nothing seemed particularly luxurious. Even though she agreed that you could kick chairs and swear if you were angry, it just seemed like another gambling area. Maybe even a bit of a shifty one as everyone would look up at us as we entered.

Even the table minimums were the same for baccarat, so I wondered what was the point.

We stood around watching a table and placed our bets. We lost, and then she went to another table and I went to another table and I won my money back. After a few more minutes of standing around I said I wanted to go downstairs, so we left.

We went back down to the baccarat tables, and she played a bit more. I played one more game with her, where she walked away after her bet. We lost, and I walked over to tell her that, but in hindsight I wonder if she ever thought about the possibility that I would lie and just take her money.

At the table we were currently standing at, she had placed a bet and won. Before collecting her chips, she asked if I "wanted to share". I had no idea what she meant, and just shook my head no.

After that I then said I had to go to work and left.

During lunch I was tempted to go again, but managed to resist. I also didn't want to bump into Julie again so soon.

I did, however, go after work. Again, my goal of winning a couple of hundred dollars seemed to be forgotten as soon as I walked through the doors. I was down at first, but having $4000 in chips, I was confident enough for a mini-martingale. I slowly crept back up, and started betting along with this Egyptian looking guy. The table was also something similar to ping pong.

I managed to win $1050 before the shoe finished. I then went to another table and sat down, but only really because I wanted to wait for a free drink. Anyway, this Chinese lady was just flippantly flipping the cards over and was extremely lucky as she went on like a seven banker in a row streak. I decided to join, and lost $100, but then got it back on a later bet, and made an extra $100 as well.

I walked around looking for Julie but didn't see her. I ended up leaving with $1150.

Testing Misha's honesty

Having calmed down a bit since, my thinking became a bit more rational, and I decided that next time I see Misha, I would pretend to not having seen her at the casino at all, and see if she reveals that she was there AND was with a guy. Initially my plan was to tell her everything, like how I saw her with the guy and Angel, and how I used to see Angel too.

However, the irrational part of me decided to see her tonight. That also meant I would go to the casino to try to win one, two, or three hundred to help offset the cost. So after work, I withdrew $2000 and headed there.

Incredibly annoyingly, I lost from the beginning and was never up. After my initial losses, the closest I got was $1950. I was trying to martingale it but a streak of player wins killed me. I needed to keep some money to see Misha, so I left the table with $1000.

Stupidly, I broke it up and bet $500 on player on another table - and lost.

I then went to the ATM and withdrew $800, planning to have two $400 shots at roulette. On my first shot, I won $300. I played a few more spins and was able to nearly win $1000 but then lost a bit more, then left with a $800 gain. It didn't make up for all the losses, but walking out with a loss of $750 was A LOT better than a loss of $1550. I'm glad I've learnt that much.

Anyway, I went to see Misha. My plan was to tell her about my binge yesterday, and see if she reveals anything. If she doesn't, I'd withhold the $100 chip I usually give her. If she does, then I guess it's game on again.

We were supposed to go to the room at the end on the ground floor, but when I feigned going upstairs, she suggested going up so we went to the room on the middle floor. I joked "room six?" in reference to Jane saying that room was haunted, but I doubted Misha knew what I was talking about. In hindsight it wasn't a very smart thing to say.

Once in the room, she told me she saw me at the casino. I pretended I didn't know what she was on about. She said she saw me on Tuesday night, and gestured which tables we were at. I knew exactly what she was talking about but kept up the act. She said she was with a guy friend, and he was losing but at that time he was winning some back, and she needed to stay with him for luck, otherwise she would've come over. She said I disappeared and I pretended I didn't remember (I had lost and went to roulette).

I told her I jigged work yesterday and was at the casino between 10am to about 6-7pm. She wondered why she didn't see me. She said she was there with a guy friend and girl friend starting from about 5pm. I told her I went to eat at 4pm so maybe that was why.

I told her the truth, saying I started with $4000 and won $3000. She said she lost and asked me to guess how much. I guessed $2000 and she said no. She drew a figure on my chest and I didn't get it the first time. She drew it again and I watched, and it was a '12' something something. So I guessed she lost $1200 and said that was alright. Then she told me she lost $12,000.

Fuck.

She said her guy friend lost $20,000 and that it hurt him a lot because he "has a normal job". She said she was in the middle of the losses, so I'm guessing Angel lost less than $12,000. She also said she had my lucky cat with her.

She told me that they had planned a four day gambling binge, starting from Sunday. She said on the first day she won $8,000 and bought them all a big lunch, but on the second day and thereafter she started losing. I asked if she'd buy me lunch if she won and she said yes, and gave a firm pinky shake.

Sometimes as we talked I'd hold her hand, and I noticed at least once she would initiate the hand holding too.

I gave her the $100 chip from my pocket. I was kinda expecting her to pout and say something like how that was nothing compared to what she lost, but she didn't. She seemed grateful that I gave it.

I told her about my day at the casino yesterday, including how Julie and I talked for the first time since she turned me down for coffee. When I explained the bit about her apologising to me, she said that meant she had kept it in her mind and had been thinking of me, and therefore she liked me. I asked why she then turned me down for coffee, and she said it was because I asked her at work, and that you should never ask a girl out at work. I asked what I was supposed to do, stalk her in the car park, and she said she didn't know.

She seemed to know who I was talking about and said she wasn't very good looking. I said when she smiles it makes me happy.

We talked about other things that happened yesterday, like the old man with the card saying (in hindsight) how he knew the outcome, Katie wanting to chuck a shit, and how people always throw chips on the table for change at the last moment. We had lots of laughs, despite her losing $12,000. She said she had borrowed the money from the shop interest free and now needed to work it off. She said it was interest free because she had worked at the shop for so long and had been loyal to the shop.

She also knew who I was talking about when I mentioned a guy who talked a lot. She instantly asked "with glasses?" and said he talks to her too. When I said guys talk to her because she's good looking, she took the opportunity to agree and said guys were drawn to her beauty lol. Anywya, I wondered if she had seen me when I was playing with $5,000 chips in my hand. If she had, I'm sure she would've said it. So maybe my sense of someone looking at me at that time was Angel?

She said when she went to the casino at first, she went to a table and threw $10,000 on the table for chips, not knowing that that amount required the showing of ID. She said she was annoyed because she asked for $5,000 back so she didn't have to show ID but they said it was too late.

I asked if she had been to Crown casino in Melbourne before and she said no. I playfully asked to go together, and she said if she did she would need to take $30,000! I then asked her to go together next time and she nodded, which I believe she meant.

Midway through she went out to get some drinks, and because I always ask for lemonade and since they never have it, she came back with a cup of milk for me. I jokingly asked if it came from her, pointing at her breasts, wanting to generate some sort of sexual context between us at least, and she asked me to go to Julie for it lol.

Towards the end I was saying how I was planning another big day there on Monday because it was a public holiday, and that I'd get revenge for her. When I told her about the one security guard who gives me shit, she said I do look Lebanese and could be a terrorist. I leaned in to kiss her and she allowed me to kiss her on the cheeks.

I also told her I couldn't come on Saturday as I needed to meet friends for bubble soccer. She asked me what it was and I had no time to explain, so I just said I'd tell her next time. As we walked out we kept joking about me getting revenge for her, but now instead of winning her money back, it was that I'd bomb the place. I asked if she'd visit my grave and she said yes.