Mini-relapse

Thai came to my house today because he wanted me to sign as guarantor for his baby's passport application. We were ready to go, but then I checked the form and had a question about a 4 month old getting a passport (because it said I had to have known the baby for at least 12 months) and when that was found to be ok, I realised I needed a valid passport...my one had expired.

So I couldn't help him, which made me feel really bad.

I bummed around on the net a bit before my parents came back after noon. I decided to drive out to the city to look for Street Fighter DVDs. I went to a shop on George St and a guy working there found one for me, so I bought it for $45. For some reason my PIN wasn't working so I had to sign. I thought they were a bit dodgy, cause they were saying in Cantonese they couldn't find the discs, yet at the same time they had me sign for the credit card...what if I signed and they couldn't find the discs?!?

For some reason, I had decided I'd go to the casino for a gamble. Multiple reasons (or excuses) I suppose. I felt down about the Naby thing and wanted something to numb the pain. I wanted to celebrate my one year gambling free (ironic, I know). I wanted to see if my credit card was working (weak, I know). And also, the voice inside my head was just getting too loud.

I walked to the Citi ATM and withdrew $500. I initially wanted to take out $1,000. I actually changed my mind as I was on my way, deciding I'd withdraw a further $500 once at the casino.

HOWEVER, as I was driving there, I heard a small beeping sound over my music - the temperature was HOT!

I pulled over into a bus zone and called NRMA. I was shaking a bit, because it was so unexpected. What surprised me was they said help would come in 90 minutes...90 minutes?!

So I popped my hood to cool the engine down and sat in the car and waited. I kept looking in the side and rear view mirrors to see if they were coming. At one stage a few cars lined up behind me and I was like "this isn't a goddamn lane!"

Finally a tow truck came, and I thought it was a random looking for business, so when he stopped in front of me, I got out and said I wasn't after a tow truck, lol. He said NRMA had sent him because they won't stop on main roads, and he was here to take me to a side street. So he towed my car to another street, further away from the casino and close to the massage place I used to visit.

About 10 minutes after he left, NRM arrived. Turns out one of the fans is broken and there is also a leak somewhere. He filled my car up with water or coolant and said I should be ok to get home.

But the gambling bug was in me. I thought maybe I could just go get a massage instead, but ended up going to the casino. I had driven off course as I changed my mind, but it was too powerful. I was risking damage to my car and not being able to get home. Could you imagine how I'd explain if I had to get help again, and this time at the casino?

But my mind didn't care. It just wanted to gamble, even though traffic was bad and it probably took another 30 minutes to get there. When I finally got there, I tried to withdraw another $500 but apparently now the machines there don't let people use their credit cards. Good thing I suppose, but not so good for business. I also wonder to what lengths people will go to use their credit card - the ATM in the convenience store nearby?

So I had to settle with my $500. Good thing, I told myself.

I found a table that had the least amount of people and went for a card and a pencil. I found that I was so desperate I kept breaking through in front of a guy playing there.

I went to one side and started drawing up which 12 numbers I wanted to cover. I think it is a good thing that I have forgotten what bets covered which parts of the wheel.

When I decided, I bought in chips. There was a dealer change at that exact moment. I looked at a lady there playing with her husband. She looked at me like I was an addict. I played straight away, and lost $400 in the next four spins. I was daring the ball not to land within my 12 numbers for five spins straigt.

On the fifth spin, I was out of chips and was ready to walk away, when it landed on 7, which I had three chips on. I won back my $500 plus change. But I kept playing because I wanted to win more than the change, and lo and behold, the next five spins did not land within my 12 numbers. I walked off, feeling a bit shitty.

Maybe it was a good thing I lost, because I definitely don't feel like going back there. It makes winning seem so hard, whereas in my mind it's so easy.

I went to the convenience store near where I parked and withdrew $250 more to get a massage. Yes, I was in that financial suicide mood.

I drove there, keeping an eye on the temperature gauge. It was good. I parked near the front and went in. Not much had changed - the ladies still greeted you as you walked up the stairs. They said they'd show me the girls. I was shown about five girls. Two caught my eyes - Emily and Sugar. I was tempted to go with Sugar but a small part of me thought that maybe Emily was Jenny, even though she looked nothing like her. So I went with Emily.

I was shown to the room by one of the receptionist ladies. I went to the bathroom first and returned. The lady closed the door. I was about to take my shoes off when there was a knock on the door. Emily walked in and offered a hug. She was definitely the friendly and open type. Not sure if that's a good thing since we've just met. I'm a bit cautious towards people who are so friendly to strangers.

She asked me my name and I told her. She asked me where I was from and I told her to guess. She couldn't, and so I said I was from Hong Kong. She asked me what work I did and I said it was a secret. She pressed a few times but I just kept saying it was a secret. I knew it was driving her a little crazy.

We showered, and I asked her how long she'd been working here. She said four months, although she had been here before and went back to Korea. I noticed she had one crooked tooth. We joked around and although it felt like there was a bit of a connection, I knew it was bullshit. I knew she probably just wanted a return customer.

I had said "choar" meaning cold, and she asked how I knew. I said I had a Korean friend.

I asked if she worked six days a week and she said she studies five days a week and works on the weekend.

I finished the shower first and laid on the massage table. When she finished, she had me lift my head up to remove the pillow. She started massaging me and we talked as well. She said some regulars end up massaging her and they have wine together. I asked if they brought food and she said yes. I chuckled, thinking about what chumps they were to bring her stuff, yet that was what I did with Naby.

She asked if it was ok to massage my head, and I said yeah and it felt good. She said some customers didn't like to have their head massaged either because they had products in their hair or she didn't want to do it because it was dirty. She said she only gives head massages in 45 minute and one hour sessions.

She asked if I was married or had a girlfriend, and I said no. She didn't believe me and when I repeated it, she asked why and I didn't answer. I asked if she had a boyfriend and she said no. She said she couldn't because of her job and I said she could. She said a non-customer wouldn't understand her job.

She asked me where I lived and I told her. I asked if she lived in the city and she said she used to live in Stratty, but is now moving with her male flat mate. I asked if he knew her job and she sheepishly said no.

She was fairly playful, but again, I knew it was aimed towards getting me to return. She said she finishes at 7pm, but that if a customer came in just before that, she'd still have to introduce herself and go for the session if picked. Because we would finish at 6:30pm, she asked me to stay till 7pm. I said maybe and she asked a few times again, and I kept fobbing her off.

She said something about handsome customers, and I jokingly asked her if I was handsome. I noticed a pause and then she said I was cute.

I was feeling her down there and she had to tell me how to do it because she had just shaved and didn't want me to rub against the 'grain' so to speak. I didn't understand at first but eventually got it.

But she did something really sly. She kept teasing me after I had flipped around, by not bringing me to a close, letting me suck on her breasts, and then when the buzzer went she asked me to extend. Very dodgy. I was beginning to wonder why this session was becoming so long. So I said yes, and she asked if I wanted wine and I said if she did, so she went to the phone and said something in Korean.

There was a knock on the door and she went to open it, and brought in two glasses of wine. I took a sip and immediately started feeling a faster breath. She eventually finished me off and we talked a bit before she had a shower. I had already playfull slapped her bottom and so when I did it again, she playfully bit me.

I then had a shower and she was facing me watching me shower, and did a thing with her fingers like looking through a pair of binoculars. She asked if it was too much oil and I said a little bit. She said it will come off with the towel. When I finished I dressed and so did she. I offered her my blue shirt and jokingly asked if it was hers, she laughed and said no. I asked if her bra was mine and she said yes and had me try it on, then she said it looked better on me because my chest was bigger than hers, lol.

She squeezed my bottom. She asked me why I was circumsized and I said it just happened when I was a baby. She said some guys weren't cut and she thought that was dirty, and asked me why a guy would not be circumsized. I said if it's not done at birth, then it really hurts later on.

We sat on the table talking. I asked her what she hated the most about her job and she said when she has her period she is really sensitive down there but some customers are rough. I asked her what she liked the most and she kicked her legs. I asked if that meant kicking people and she laughed.

I told her I used to come to this shop a lot about two years ago, and only saw one girl, also called Emily but changed her name to Jenny. I said I don't know where she went, and she said probably back to Korea. She said some girls go back and some stay, and she said she might stay.

She hugged me and pushed me backwards playfully and whispered in my ear. She thanked me for staying till 7pm. I asked if I should book next time and she said yes. I said I want to see the line up and she said "shi-ra" and asked me to ask my Korean friend what it meant. I said it means yes and she laughed and said it means "I don't like". But damn, I really want to see Sugar next time.

When I went to reception, they were about to let me go before I reminded them that I extended. I paid for it and Emily came back out behind the screens to say something to the receptionist, and then said goodbye to me. I also picked up a membership card.

I returned to my car, feeling like Emily had replaced Naby to a large extent. I told myself that was how easily girls could be replaced. I really need to learn Fam's attitude of "eh, I'll just find somebody else". Now I feel like Naby is starting to become a mere background figure.

Gambling, I am not so sure. If I remember correctly, when I used to lose I'd always say never again, so I'm not sure if this is just one of those, but right now, I really don't like it. Losing $500 has made me almost sure of that.

Have I woken up an addiction? Only time will tell...

Therapeutic basketball

I just came back from the courts. I wanted to work on my speed, so I did three sets of three fast breaks going coast to coast and three sets of jump rope in between. After all that has happened with Naby, it has cleared my mind a lot. It felt good to be out there by myself...I found it to be therapeutic.

On Friday I was trying to organise a last minute dinner with the guys, had sent out all the messages in the morning. Then Ele messaged me asking me if I wanted to walk to Central with her after work. I thought it'd be a good idea to get everyone together for a dinner, so I invited her and Yang as well.

This then led to a group email started by her to her group of friends, and some were interested so there was a lot of discussion about where to go. As this played out, my friends dropped out one by one...

After work, I met up with Ele and we made our way together to the restaurant Chat Thai. I'm not really sure why she wanted to meet up today. Maybe she had something she wanted to talk about, or maybe she was a little worried about me after my facebook status updates on the night of being rejected by Naby.

We didn't talk about anything of significance, but I did notice that there was a lot of subtle physical contact. Like she always seemed to be bumping into me or wanting to walk so that our arms were touching. Maybe it was just me. Or maybe it was just crowded.

We got to the restaurant to see Daniel and Vivian already there. They were pretty friendly, although I still felt a bit distant - as evidenced by me leaving a seat between Vivian and I. I noticed Daniel had grown his hair a bit, I think it actually suits him.

Then Yang arrived and we were later told that him and Ele were planning to buy a property in Killara. I was a bit sad, because it meant that she'd be living further away, and also a part of me felt like I had lost another 'race' as another of my friends was making a large purchase while I was still paying back my credit card.

Eva arrived and then she sat next to me. She said she had gotten lost at the train station, which made me question her intelligence. Shuang had said she was very smart because of the course she did, but after all this time in Sydney, I wondered how she could get lost at Central.

Colin arrived and the place is always lightened up by his loud voice, lol. It was the first time we'd seen him in work clothes, and he looks pretty decent in them. Michael L then arrived and sat next to me while Eva went to the bathroom. Maybe it's just me, but I find it hard to start a conversation with him. I wonder if I'm like that to other people. But to his credit, he did make a few attempts to talk to me.

The food was good, we ordered a lot, but the servings were small, so we had to order an additional one towards the end. The price wasn't too bad either, it was about $22 each.

After dinner, we made our way to Norita to play some games. Eva really wanted to play this game which no one else wanted because they said it'd take too long to figure out. I felt sorry for her, but I didn't want to play it either, lol.

We played Taboo first, in two teams, so it was Eva, Michael L, Colin and I against Ele, Yang, Vivian and Daniel. That was actually quite fun, and we played that for a while before switching to killer. I like this game, but it really only works when everyone is into it. I felt like Michael L and Daniel weren't too into it.

After that Eva, Michael L, Daniel and Vivian left, so the rest of us played poker. Ele was playing on her phone a lot and I realised she was on facebook. So during one game, I replied to her status telling her what cards I had and how it was dumb for Colin to go all in. She laughed and replied. It was like a secret conversation between the two of us.

When Colin lost, he wanted to leave, so that was the end of that. I was glad that I could spend the Friday night with my friends, to help me take my mind off Naby. If it weren't for them, I'd probably be wandering around the city, and maybe even loitering around the casino.

Yesterday, I wanted to go to an early gym session. I had energy I really wanted to expend, so I drove to the office to pick up my bag and then went to the Wick for gym. I did the bike, benchpress, curls and abs, and then picked up my grey suit from the dry cleaners near the car park. I noticed the lady had eyes of the girl from the gym...was this her mother? Maybe it was a family business and she was filling in on that day?

It took her a while to find it, I think they go by dates, so the longer you leave it there, the further it gets pushed back. It was $17 and I gave her a $20 note. She said she didn't have change and I was like "don't worry about it". She was very reluctant to let me go without giving me my change, but I wasn't too worried about it and left.

I went back home, got changed and caught a bus to Central. I caught a train to bball training. I was a bit late, my train arriving at the station at 10am, but when I got there they were still shooting around. I did miss the first game though as they started soon after I arrived, so I went to another court to warm up. I swear, I was hitting about 90% of my shots, but I knew that if this was the case, then I'd have a bad shooting game in the game.

Sure enough, that happened. I don't think I hit one shot during the day. I played most games with Nick and Bo, and there was a guy who filled in. I didn't like him as he seemed to suck up to Bo and Nick but didn't talk to me, and then at one point he told me to run faster in fast breaks. I don't like it when people tell me to do things when they're ball hogs themselves. This guy was driving in and taking rubbish shots. Don't know what he was doing really.

But it did make me think about how much I'd slowed down since returning. A lot of it is deliberate, as I'm scared of tripping over and hurting my knee, but also, I do feel a physical limitation sometimes as to how fast I can run.

Mike turned up late with his friend, about 11am, and then instead of getting ready, just talking to a girl ref until he was unable to get ready for the next game. Grrr. Also I was a bit annoyed at the guy he brought. He was thin, with long hair, very much unlike a basketball player. He probably only played half court.

When we had the four of us, we did run the play a bit, and it worked when people remembered what to do. It left the other guy out, but I thought "fuck him, he's a prick anyway".

I had a lot of energy after the game, and wanted to do sprints on the next court, but Bo said he'd already changed out of his shoes. I looked and MIke and knew he'd use his knees as an excuse.

A guy called Alex invited us to start a team with him in the Chinese comp. Bo was definitely interested, and so was Nick. I thought about it and wondered if I could ever return to the comp where I was injured. I do feel a bit of resentment against them for the non-treatment of me after my injury.

Afterwards, Bo and I went to Macca's. He said he'd shout me because I paid for his fees last week and most of this week's fees, but then they weren't accepting card so I had to pay for him, lol.

We had a bit of an interesting chat while eating. Not so much about basketball, but he said he thinks Ele likes me, because she always posts on my facebook. I said I'd agree if she weren't married, and told him that I did try to go after her but then she married another guy.

He talked a bit about his ex-wife, and I was surprised to learn that it was only about four years ago, when I'd known him from another team.

On the train, he said he'd met some Korean girls from uni and asked if I wanted to meet them. He said I needed a girlfriend. I have a feeling he talks about this to Nick when I'm not around. I actually said yes and "kamsahamnida" instead of my usual "nah, not really" even if I wanted it.

After Bo got off, I checked my phone and saw a missed call from G. I called him back and he asked if I wanted to go to a social lice thing in the city. I said I was in my basketball clothes so I couldn't, but I wondered if he had broken up with Sally. He's changed his profile picture to one of just himself now, and why would he want to go to social lice if he already has a girlfriend?

I went home and washed my car. It was pretty dirty, with bird shit on the bonnet. I was just sad that after I made everything shiny again, I couldn't drive it :(

The Naby plan

Forgot to add that I went to the gym last night after work. It seems like it's been ages, but in reality probably only a week, or week and a half. I don't know, when that Naby 'scare' happened I just lost myself and any motivation to work out. But now I'm back...for now.

Today was quite an efficient day. I managed to finished prepping for my list and for tomorrow's bali application. I didn't go out for lunch again, as I wanted to save money, but at the end of the day I did go out to buy a jar of carbonara sauce and a pack of Mamee noodles cause I was starving.

A thought occurred to me throughout the day: what if I ask Naby out, and she doesn't want to be seen in the city? My plan was to take her to a German restaurant, and then maybe go to the arcades so I can get her some toys. But there'd be a lot of young Asian guys there, so maybe she wouldn't want to be seen?

Maybe I should take my car and just take her away from the city. Hmmm. I will need to think this through carefully. Part of me thinks I should see her again in the shop to ask her out, but then again, that might 'neutralise' what progress I made last time, and reinforce the customer-girl relationship. Maybe I'll just message her and ask if she wants to be in the city or not.

Another thing I keep thinking about is whether Tiffany has told her about me. What if Naby took the Totoro back, and got all the girls talking? Tiffany would've put two and two together and figured out it was me. All she'd have to ask is whether it was a short Asian guy, and then the matching starts there. Hmmm.

But maybe, since we're not in a 'relationship', I still have the right to see whoever the hell I want? But then again, I don't want to disappoint Naby. I think she's been let down by guys before, hence why she chose this profession.

End of Naby...

I have an incentive to type this as quickly as possible, as early as possible - I need to delete Naby's number now...

So yesterday morning I left for the long drive up. I left at about 6am and went to get Macca's for breakfast. Originally I could afford to get to Newcastle by noon as that was when my matter was listed, so I could've left at 9am, but late Tuesday Mary said Moira also had a matter there and it'd look weird if I did one and not the other, so I offered to do it.

I got there before 9am, parked in the car park and then dragged my mini suitcase to the court. It wasn't open yet, so waited outside with a lot of other people, standing there shivering in the cold.

When it was opened I went in, and then sat outside my courtroom waiting for it to open. When it did open, I waited around for the PP to arrive and then told him I was here to do the matter which he had been sent papers for, so I got them off him and then mentioned it when the other side did it.

After that I went outside and read up on the matter. Even though it was at noon, it seemed like it wouldn't be long. Less than two hours really. I made a phone call to the angry cop and couldn't get a hold of him. I hear he's just had enough of being in his section, lol.

I then decided to go pay my phone bill, then returned to court to prepare some more. Eventually Burke from the other side showed up, and we went into the LA room to discuss it. He had a junior with him, who was a very attractive girl, looked like she'd just come outta uni. We had a friendly talk about it and then went back out. My informant then arrived and we talked a bit before we went into court.

Sometimes I have this 'insecure' feeling that if I don't say something, then I think people think I know nothing, which made me interrupt Burke, lol. I wasn't opposing it strongly, and neither were the cops, so I thought it would be granted, and it wasn't a very very strong case either. But the mag asked us questions, and then in answering one, I made the only point I had, and then she said "well I'm not granting him bail then".

Yikes.

I didn't think that would happen. The effect of what I had said didn't hit home until that moment. Something I had said had prevented someone coming out of jail.

We walked out and I thought Burke would've been at least a little angry - if not at me, then at the mag. But he was very nice and funny about it, saying it was a fair result. As I watched him talk, I observed how the niceness came out of him, yet he was also confident, and somewhat good looking. He was one of those guys you couldn't hate. One of those guys I wouldn't mind being.

I waited for him to leave before I had a more candid chat with the cop. We walked out together talking, and then parted at the street corner.

I put the stuff back in the car and then went for lunch. I walked around a bit before settling on Subway, just like the last time I was there. I was still thinking about the matter, and also about my next movement to Maitland.

I finished my lunch and then headed to the car. It was only supposed to be about a 40 minute drive, but it took about an hour and 20 minutes as I had a bit of difficulty looking for the motel. Finally found it after asking someone.

It was bigger than I thought. Definitely bigger than the one I was in at Dubbo. This one looked a bit like an old castle or mansion. I parked out the front and then went in to see an old lady at the reception. She asked if I had a credit card in case I used any services, and I stupidly handed it over. I should've just said no.

I went up to my room. Walking past all the other doors and numbers made me think about taking a holiday. I found my one and went in. It was a bit exciting to be staying in a motel. Maybe it was the excitement of being in a new place, or the excitement of having done a matter already. but I decided to text Naby. Then I decided against it and told myself I'd do it at night.

All along I've been thinking about asking her out, convinced that after what happened in the last session, she would be agreeable to coming out with me. I was sure of it. 100%.

I got changed and then went out for a walk. Because I didn't have my toothbrush I needed gum. I ended up walking back to the city centre which was quite a walk, maybe about 30 minutes. When I stopped at the traffic lights, I couldn't help it anymore, and I texted her.

Me @ 16:17 - Hey Domo...how are you? :)

I crossed the road, and soon, I felt my phone vibrate. I smiled, knowing it was her.

Naby @ 16:19 - Yeah good.. How a u? Im finished school and I homework now! :(

I was so excited, I needed to sit down. I sat down at a bench close by and texted her back.

Me @ 16:21 - Study hard! I'm in Maitland now for work, about 3 hours from Sydney...are you free on Sunday? I want to take you to eat German food for dinner

I got up and resumed walking along the street. No vibration. No reply. I kept checking it, but thought maybe she just wanted to wait a bit before replying. Or maybe she didn't want to come off as too easy.

But the longer I waited, the less confider I got, and the sadder I got.

I bought a pack of gum and headed back to the motel. I decided not to text her. I was fairly sure the answer was a 'no' by now, but I wanted to see her reply. After all, I did ask her a question, so the least she could do is reply.

But then I couldn't handle it anymore, and followed it up.

Me @ 18:05 - It's ok, if you are busy then maybe next time..................

And as I typed that, I just deleted the last messages of her. Now I don't have her number.

I was still waiting for a reply, but it never came. The excitement of being in a new place soon turned into loneliness. Even though I had lived by myself in Lismore for three months, I now knew how Bobby felt. It is really really lonely being in a place all by yourself. Sometimes you take your family for granted.

I crawled into bed, half waiting, half thinking. I knew I had to go out to get dinner, but I had lost my appetite. Funny, earlier I was really looking forward to having dinner - a happy dinner. I didn't feel like eating. I was ready to fall asleep, but I set my alarm to 7:30pm in case I did fall asleep, just so I wouldn't fall asleep too early, and it'd give me a chance to get something to eat.

After a while, my stomach was hungry, although my mind didn't feel like eating. I went out anyway, intent on grabbing something from Hungry Jacks across the road. I walked there, only to discover that it wasn't opened yet. I swear I thought it was open when I saw it earlier in the day.

I went back to my car and drove out to the main city area. I finally went to that Henny Pennt store I wanted to go to ever since I first saw it. I bought a burger combo and left.

I ate it by myself in my room, watching The Simpsons, which lessened the effect a bit of what had happened.

I then tried to go to sleep, but it was hard. So much was going through my mind. Do I see her on Friday night and playfully ask her why she won't come out to dinner with me? Or do I skip seeing her for a while...or forever? Why doesn't she want to go out with me? Why won't she at least make up an excuse?

The thoughts were running through my head like a group of elephants stampeding in the wild. So much was on my mind...

I don't know when, but I finally fell asleep, only to be woken up by Bo at 11pm, telling me we'd won. I was hardly in the mood to talk. He apologised for calling when I was asleep, but I still had enough in me to ask if Any had played (he hadn't).

I then rolled around in bed for a bit before falling asleep again, until about 4am when I just rolled around in bed half asleep until sun rise. Part of me had decided not to see her for six weeks - so I could save a month's worth of money and then use the next fortnight's money to see her. I'd like to see if she sends me a message then.

I had a shower and afterwards looked at myself in the shower. Maybe my receiding hairline made me hair style look a bit old fashioned, but otherwise, I had quite a nice body. My hint of abs were showing, and I was lean. I asked why no one liked me.

As I got dressed, I no longer felt lonely. As I reached for my nice white shirt and my slim black suit, I pictured myself as a successful professional inside my own house, reaching for my nice clothes. I told myself to strive for that life, and to save up for it now. I told myself to forget about her.

I got dressed, packed and checked out. I wondered what there was to stop them from framing me for using something in my room that I didn't use? Like what if they accuse me of eating a chocolate bar?

I drove and parked next to the court. I went to Subway to get breakfast and then went back to the car to get the suitcase. I waited around until court opened. The list went fairly well. The mag recognised me because she gave me a big smile when she saw me.

I was mostly focused when on my feet, but sometimes when writing up files during a spare moment, my mind would trail to Naby.

I finished the list at just after 2pm. I drove off rather quickly, wanting to get back to the office before 5pm. I got back at just after 5pm, after speeding through the freeway at an average of 130km/h. I'd be surprised if I didn't get a speeding ticket. I came very close though, because there was a yellow cop car parked in the middle of both directions, and I swear I was speeding at that time, but maybe not enough to waste his time.

I spoke to Mary a bit and then she left. I checked my emails. Surprisingly I got no voice mail messages these past two days. Guess people didn't miss me.

I felt like going for a walk. I'll admit, I was a bit depressed. I thought about the casino, but I knew that if I started, it wouldn't end, and I didn't want to go through all that again.

I went to Myer and checked out the shoes. I am really getting tired of my boy-schoolish shoes. I want something more handsome, more manly. But I didn't see anything I liked.

So yeah, I've deleted her contact and messages now, no way I have her number anymore. It's easier to deal with when I tell myself she doesn't exist. I'm not saying I'll never see her again, but maybe just not for a long time.

Getting nonchalant...

Had an adjournment in court today, don't know why, but I just felt very nonchalant, very casual, like I didn't care. I usually prepare my instruction sheet for even simple things like these - it assures me that I've covered every aspect of every possibility that might eventuate. Maybe I'm beginning to slack off. Maybe I'm beginning to get too comfortable.

I spent the day preparing for Thursday's list and then for Wednesday's bali application. Stayed at work till 7pm. Had a bit of a talk with Genie as she came over cause we were the last two left. I find that we don't gossip much, but just talk about rather mundane things, like short sightedness.

For the time being, I am leaning towards the school of thought that says I asked Naby out when talking about the German dinner thing. I should've followed it up. But for now, the plan is to text her on Thursday or there abouts to ask her out to dinner on Sunday.

I figure if I'm going to spend $220 on a visit to see her, I might as well spend that money on us having a nice meal, instead of having half of it go to the shop. I also figure that if she says no, then I haven't lost anything and I can just see her in the shop and ask her again in person.

So yes, that's the plan. I'm thinking about sending a message like "Domo, do you want to go try German dinner on Sunday? We can both get fat :)"

I keep picturing the two of us living together in a stable relationship.

The team morale training

To my surprise I managed to wake up early enough on Saturday. I even had time to drive to the Wick to see if the dry cleaners were open (they weren't) and buy some Powerades for basketball.

I got home at about 8:30am and then left to catch the bus to Central. Nick messaged me saying he'd be driving, and I called Bo but his phone was off. He was drunk.

I caught the train by myself, enjoying the music I had. I met Phil at the Lidcombe train station. He was at a cafe buying something to eat, and I bought a chicken kebab stick as well. I hadn't had one in ages, it reminded me of the days in high school when we used to have them "on a roll" lol.

We walked to the courts together. As we spoke about finance and the share market, the back of my mind reminisced about the days when I used to walk down this path. It was a good feeling.

When we got to the courts some of the other guys were shooting around, and after a bit they started a game. Phil and I got ready, and I was a bit disappointed and embarassed that we were the only ones from our team so far. Then Mike turned up, and we grabbed two other guys including Kenneth to start the next game.

I mainly used it to warm up, and wasn't really prepared to shoot as I hadn't shot a ball in a while (couple of weeks I guess).

Later on Nick arrived and it took him a bit of time to get ready as he had to strap up and stuff. We played a game with the four of us and Kenneth, and then to my surprise, Bo showed up. He had texted me earlier saying he was not feeling well, and I told him to just come and he never replied.

So we had a game with the five of us, which was absolutely amazing. We tried our 'Colin' play, and although it failed the first few times, I could see we were slowly getting the hang of it. I even forgot to cut a few times after passing the ball. But when we got it going, I found it was easy for me to get open shots.

There was a nice play I did where after I passed it to Nick, I cut along the baseline and got it back, dribbled hard and fast underneath the basket and threw it back out to Mike at the free throw line and he swished a shot. I also made a few nice passes to Mike at other times.

I could really feel that we were working as a team, instead of passing the ball to Angelo and standing there watching him do whatever the hell he does. My shot earlier wasn't falling, but maybe it was because now I was warmed up, it started falling. I even amazed myself, because they extended the three point line but the old one is still there, so it's a bit confusing when I shoot.

After the game, we all agreed it was a good session and that we should do it more often. The guy who organised it suggested more training with his team and I said yes.

We all went to Flemington for pho afterwards, which brought back the good ole' Sunday comp days. Everyone ate except Bo, because he was sick from the previous night's raw octopus. I said we needed to chain him up on Friday nights.

We had a good time talking about basketball and other stuff, and the highlight of the day came when Mike said "and Phil took a hook shot, but it went in". Bo and I looked at eachother before cracking up in laughter, lol. Ah that is stuff that you can't script.

Afterwards Phil and I caught the same train. I went home then drove to the Wick to have my grey suit dry cleaned and to also pick up my Uber black suit. I then went home and had a nap, as I was starting to feel tired from staying up the previous night.

Today I was pretty intent on not spending (useless) money. I slept in (my headache is probably non-existent to 1/10) and then went for a run at the park. I didn't intend to do a lap, but rather, I wanted to see how long I'd last if I sped up. I jogged from home to the park, then started jogging the lap. After jogging slowly, I started to run. I wanted to go maybe 8/10 or 9/10 but ended going at about 6/10 the pace. I lasted for a whole section between roads, then walked the rest of the way.

I remember asking Mike yesterday whether I was the same as I was before my surgery. He said I had lost my explosiveness on defence. I can always rely on Mike to tell the truth (I asked him how he felt about Angelo, and he was like "..." so I suggested "a fucking idiot?" and he was like "nah, not there yet", lol, gotta love his honesty). But yeah, that's what it felt like today. It just felt like I couldn't explode, or break out of the gates. As hard as I tried, I seemed to only have the energy to go 6/10. Hmmm.

I went home and had a shower, when my parents came back. I drove to the shopping centre near me, filled up the car with petrol, and bought some light groceries for the week ahead. I wanted to buy a pack of Tim Tams at the petrol station but though about Naby and refused. I wanted to buy this really nice black tie at Myer but thought about Naby and refused.

Although I'm making a concerted effort to save money, I still have the right mind not to just give her all my money. My plan right now is to see her next week, ask her out to dinner and just have fun. I think she'll say yes. Maybe it's just me, but she seems to have reached the beginning of that stage where she wants more than seeing me in the shop. Anyway, I won't bring up money if we go out to dinner, so I'll see how that plays out.

Naby reunion

On Thursday I had a headache at work. I think it started on Wednesday. Anyway, after work I went home, and at night I was watching Stargate, and that's when I realised the headache was getting worse. I love that show, but it was so bad that I almost stopped watching it. I couldn't believe what was happening. As far as I know I haven't done anything to cause it, unless that one short black coffee on Tuesday triggered a 'caffeine withdrawal'.

I went to bed, shivering because it was cold and my head throbbing due to the headache. It was the type where it felt like an axe was coming down on my head with the pain travelling down my neck. Not good.

I woke up on Friday feeling much the same, although the severity had lessened. I thought about taking the day off, but on Thursday I was around when Clare said to Mary she might not be in the next day because her roof was leaking due to the rain, and I didn't want it to seem like I was jumping on some "absence" bandwagon.

She did end up coming to work anyway. I wasn't very motivated to work, even though it would've been a great time to catch up on things. However, I found that when I did try to focus on something, it would take my mind off my headache.

I went to Macca's with Genie. Not really sure why she asked me to lunch the day before. I thought maybe she wanted to gossip or ventilate, but nope. Maybe she just really wanted Macca's. Nothing juicy or of substance was dicussed while we ate, but it was raining and we shared my umbrella. I saw Paul as we were walking back, I hope he doesn't think something is going on.

I was pretty relieved to finish the day at work due to the headache. I wasn't sure if I was in the mood to see Naby, but I didn't want to cancel out after we failed to see eachother last week (even though part of me thought this may have been a good idea to raise her interest level). The other thing was, I didn't want to go home first and then go out at 10pm with the car, as it would invite questions, so I had to stay out until my dad returned with the car - but what was I going to do for five hours??

I went to the arcades in Market City and played Super Street Fighter 4, lol. I used Ryu and got up to the last boss on the first go, but then spent $5 on him and couldn't defeat him, lol damn. I was beating up the buttoms pretty bad, and could feel myself sweating. When I got up, there were actually sweat patches behind my knees. Embarassing.

I then walked to the casino. No, I didn't bet. But yes, the thought did cross my mind. I decided to focus on one person and watch them lose - that is, I wanted to see that I wasn't the only one who fell into the 'trap'.

At the first table I went to, there was a Greek looking young man, maybe a few years younger than me, playing. He was playing purple chips. At first I thought he was betting randomly but then figured out he was betting a section of ten numbers with a pile of chips on each. He was lucky, he won a bit as I watched, but I was patient and I knew he'd keep playing.

He left the table and I thought it was smart of him, but he came back, telling someone else he just went to the bathroom. But by then the dealer had changed. This new dealer looked like a kid, and I think he was a bit new because I'd seen him make a mistake on another table.

Anyway, for the Greek guy, the ball just wouldn't land in his section for about five spins in a row. That of course put a huge dent in his pocket and I watched as he returned the $100 chips he'd won earlier in exchange for more purple chips. It was such a familiar, and PREDICTABLE feeling. The other thing I'd come to accept was that, no matter how unbelievable streaks can be, they can exist. You think a ball can't go without your section for ten hits? It'll happen, and it'll bleed you dry.

I left that table when he was low on chips and began walking around. I walked around in search of another 'customer' for a while, before I settled on a Korean looking man. He was betting with $100 chips - eight at a time, all on numbers in the third quarter. Of course, when he got a win, it was big, but I watched as he bled too as several consecutive balls landed outside of those numbers. He was calm though, and I wondered what he did to make that sort of money. Was he a criminal? Or was he a businessman?

I left when he was low on chips and walked around a bit more before leaving. I don't know why, but it is always a good feeling to leave the casino feeling intact. I didn't even buy anything from the restaurants, even though I was hungry.

It was about 9:30pm when I left. I went to KFC at Darling Harbour to get some wicked wings and walked back to my office to get my gym bag. I had planned to gym after work but due to my headache I just didn't feel like it.

I surfed the net and used the bathroom before walking to the bus stop. I walked to one far away as I needed to waste time. I couldn't risk getting home before my dad.

To my susprise, I saw Thai on the bus. I thought he may have seen me but was looking out the window. I approached him and waved my umbrella. He didn't move. I then nudged his bag and he just took it off the seat next to him to make room for me. When I said hey he looked and said he thought I was just some stranger wanting to sit next to him even though there were other seats around, lol.

He did look like he was in deep thought. I asked him what had been happening and he said just work. He seemed a bit tired from work. We started talking about Transformers 3 and how he still hadn't seen it, and then X-Men and Street Fighter and mobile phones.

I almost felt guilty talking to him, knowing that I'd be seeing Naby soon.

Anyway, I got off at my stop. I kinda liked how we were close enough for us not to say something phoney like "we'll do lunch sometime, yeah?"

I checked my watch as I walked towards my home. 10:20pm. I was a bit concerned that maybe my dad wasn't home yet and that he'd see me opening the garage.

I looked around like a spy around my own home before opening the garage. Car was there.

Bingo.

I initially put the Totoro in my gym bag, but then put it back in the plastic bag. I was deciding how best to take it into the shop. I reversed the car out and by now it was raining fairly heavily. I made the call to the shop, half expecting another "no, sick today", but she was in. I booked for 11pm for an hour.

I drove there making some good time. I was about 20 minutes early. I sat in my car a bit surfing the net on my phone before walking in with 15 minutes to go, with the plastic bag.

The security guard was there as expected. As I entered, he followed me, it felt a bit un-nerving to be followed and trapped like that. The door was opened and I was greeted by the guy, not the usual guy.

I went to the main waiting room and he asked if I had booking. I said yes for Bibi and paid him for an hour. I then went to the bathroom and saw a girl lying on the couch trying to sleep. I thought it was funny and did a double take. When I came back from the bathroom she had sat up, maybe embarassed.

I sat in the waiting room, clutching at my bag, trying not to make it seem so obvious, even though it was. I then got called. I walked out and saw Naby, smiling. I said "hey" and we walked up the stairs with her ahead of me. Halfway up the stairs she held out her hand and I took it. When we were near the top, she turned around to look at me. It is hard to describe, but this is how I felt at that exact moment: like she too was glad to see me after such a long time away. Genuinely.

When we walked into the room I grabbed her by the waist and asked if she missed me, and she said yes. I was expecting a "maybe" so didn't know what to say, but said "maybe" referring to the message. That's the problem with thinking too much, and expecting to follow a script - when things don't pan out the way you want them to, you're stuck.

She asked if I'd eaten and I said a little bit. She asked what and I said KFC. I asked if she'd eaten and she said "bulgogi". I asked if she bought it and she said no, and I asked if she made it and she said no.

She went out to get the usual stuff and I took the Totoro out from my bag. I placed the bag on the cabinet and hid the Totoro behind me, although I wasn't sure how well hidden it was because there was a mirror next to the bed.

I was sitting on the bed and when she came back I asked her to sit down. I told her I had a present for her and asked her to close her eyes. I went in for a kiss and she stuck her lips out and opened her eyes. I asked her to close them again and she did. I made sure they were closed before I put the Totoro in front of her face. She opened her eyes and gave a great big smile when she saw it and took it from my hands.

It was the smile I wanted. There's something about a girl's smile like that that makes a guy go all fuzzy inside. She said I looked like Totoro and I was like "no, you". I took it from her and nudged it in her face and she took it again and placed it sitting in the lowest compartment of the cabinet.

We started to undress and then headed for the shower. She had started to talk about her studying so I went with that. I asked her questions, and she said:

- she goes five days a week but maybe except Fridays;
- she "has to" instead of "wants to";
- there are about five to six other Korean girls and one guy, a Brazilian guy and girl;
- it is a full day on each day finishing at 5pm.

In the shower, I asked her what happened last Friday, and she said she was sick so she went home after a bit. I said I saw another girl and then added "just joking" and she looked up and laughed.

Ok dude, not cool, because you actually did.

I playfully touched her breasts and she did the same to my chest. She playfully tried to kiss my nose. When I finished I dried myself and put the towel on my head waiting for her. When she finished I opened up her towel for her and started drying her with my towel as well.

She walked to the cabinet and I followed, feeling her body from behind, kissing her upper back. I really missed her. After a bit of that she turned around and we started kissing. She moved onto the bed and I got on top of her. She noticed my light buzz and said she didn't like (even though it is really, really light, I shaved maybe only a day or two ago) and rubbed her area between her nose and upper lip. I told her I shaved last Friday for her and cut myself, and she smiled and said "really?" and showed her where the cut was.

We kissed more before I started kissing her breasts. After a few moments, I kissed the side of her left breast and she giggled. I looked at her and then playfully made a dash for the same spot, causing her to giggle even louder.

By now I had my dick pressed to her tummy and was just slowly moving it up and down, not sure what she wanted to do. I was ready, but wasn't sure what she wanted. That went on for a bit before she slipped the condom on and I entered her, noticing she had put some lube on my condom and herself.

I started thrusting and felt a bit uncomfortable, firstly there was a bit of pain in my left toe and foot, and also, it seemed a bit easier to position myself with other girls. However, I did feel she was trying hard to please me, as I could feel her squeeze me down there a lot. We went at that for a bit, and we kissed during it, and I stuck my tongue in there and she reciprocated. She was moaning, and I thought it was kinda 'romantic' to do it after not seeing eachother for such a long time.

After a while she suggested we change and she got on top. I looked up at the familiar sight of her face looking down at me. For some reason, when she's like that and her hair dangles down, she looks like a crazy witch which makes me want to laugh, lol.

Maybe it was my headache, but I found it hard to push myself to finish. I had to try really hard, and she was trying really hard as well. Although I found that when sometimes I was close, she would stop and go slower. Maybe she can sense it?

Anyway, I found it a bit easier to picture us as two students having a romp in our roo. That turned me on a bit more and helped me finish. Don't know how but she can sense it immediately when I'm finished. She sat there for a bit as usual before getting up. She asked if I wanted a drink and I said no, and then not wanting to be selfish, asked if she wanted one. She said yes and wrapped a towel around her, took my Totoro, said bye bye and walked out. I said bye bye and laid there.

I could hear footsteps walking down the steps and thought "the drinks are on this level" so I wondered where she was going. I thought maybe she was going to put the Totoro back in the room where the girls are.

A few moments passed and I began thinking "damn, I'm paying to be alone here?" before I heard footsteps and she returned - without the Totoro. I jokingly said "next girl?" and she said "sister" and I was like "ooo, nice to meet you". I asked her where the Totoro was and she said she put it in her room. She handed me a drink and saw her take a sip from hers. I opened mine and took a sip before placing it on the cabinet. I asked her where my birthday present was and she kissed me, lol.

I laid down and held her as usual, wrapping my legs around her. We held hands and played with our fingers. She asked me if I had a party for my birthday and I said no. She pressed me a bit about it, and I said I shared a cigar with my friend. She said she had tried one before too and didn't like it. I pretended I was sucking in a big cigar with a disgusted face which made her laugh.

I asked her how was Korea, and she said good. She said she went to Hong Kong with her mother for about four days and then went somewhere else.

She said she now works after she studies, so after 5pm, and then works Fridays and Saturdays and has Sundays off. I said she worked too hard and she said she has to, to make money. I told her not to work and she said then she has no money. I stupidly said "I'll give you money". From memory, I don't think she said anything. She also said that she owes the bank money. I didn't ask what for.

I said she could be a waitress and she said it was low wages. I nudged her on the nose and she nudged my hand away, fixing up her nose. I think she must've had surgery on her nose.

She said studying was hard, and I said it is hard at first but it will get easier, and she said she knows. I said I can help her, and she asked me what was the difference between "don't" and "can't". I tried my best to explain it but just said "don't" is short for "do not". She seemed to understand but I think I could've explained it better.

She asked if she was thinner and I playfully inspected her breasts but then looked at her legs and said she was a bit. I said she needed to eat more and she protested "I do!" which I thought was cute. I said she needed to try German food which was a huge plate of meat including sausages. I asked if she had ever tried it and she said no. I asked if she wanted to try it and she said yes. She seemed interested but I maybe out of fear I didn't ask the next question: do you want to go eat with me???

Maybe I got myself confused, maybe I meant Brazilian food.

I said she would get fat and she said she was ok with that. I said then the shop wouldn't let her work and she said she didn't want to work anyway.

Sometimes I'd kiss her on the cheek, but she seemed to be thinking about something. Maybe she was thinking about how close I was to asking her out. Maybe she was wondering why I didn't ask her out. Maybe she was feeling the same as me when I asked her out last time. To get a reaction, I put my finger near her mouth and she playfully pretended to bite it, lol.

She asked if I noticed whether she looked different. I looked her in the face and then got on top of her for a better look, which made her laugh. I studied her face, looking from cheek to cheek, and said no. She said "your homework" and I was like "noooo, tell me". She said she had surgery on her eye lids. I was like "where?" and she said to create the line, as previously her eyelashes kept getting in her eyes.

I pleaded with her not to have anymore surgery and she said ok but repeated it was just because her eye lashes were getting into her eyes.

I told her I had been having headaches for the last few days and was close to not coming today. She asked if it was because work was hard, I said maybe. Apparently she doesn't know what work I do - I just assumed she would've known when I gave her my card. I hesitated before telling her I am a lawyer. She understood and said I was smart, and I said "no, babo".

I told her about my sentencing matter last week where the guy had initially won $800,000 at the casino. She asked how long someone goes to jail for, and I said depends on the amount of drugs, and she made a "that makes sense" noise, and I added that the maximum was 25 years. I told her in 2006-2008 I was defence and from then to now I am on the other side. I added that I liked defence better.

The buzzer went but we kept on talking like it didn't happen. Her own alarm also went, and she nonchalantly reached out to turn it off. I got up and went to the shower while she was packing things up. She asked me what I was going to do tomorrow and I said basketball. She said "but raining" and I said "inside, indoors" and she repeated it, acknowledging it. I had made the water the right temperature and said "come, come" and she said "I have to sleep".

Oh my god she thought I was asking her to come to basketball!!!"

I was like, no, shower. She eventually made her way over. We pecked on the lips and then after the shower got dressed. I watched as she got dressed and couldn't help but think that she did look a little older. Like, maybe not older, but I could see what she would look like when she gets older, and I knew the surgeries ensured that it wasn't going to be pleasant.

As we walked out the door, I said I can be Totoro and she can be Domo. I also told her to hold Totoro when she sleeps, and she said ok.

I walked down the stairs first, and when I got to the bottom, I turned and said goodbye and she waved.

I drove home, feeling like I needed to save every cent possible now to help her if needed. Maybe it was part of maturing to realise not to keep wasting money on useless things.

I also thought it was a good thing she thought I was asking her out. It means she had that in mind, and I accept that she couldn't come because she has to sleep (she does, after all, finish work at 5am). It also sounded like if she didn't have to work so late, she would've come.

Don't ditch Naby

Went into the office then went across the road to court for Bec's matter. It was just a first return, so nothing too hard. I waited around and the other side never turned up. I was kind and didn't ask for a warrant, so it was just adj.

When I got back to the office, I saw Ogre, Moira and Clare talking. They said I was just in time for the meeting, and I was like "what meeting?" Turns out we had a meeting Mary had set a few weeks ago, which I had completely forgot, and we also had to bring a bit of food. Luckily Clare didn't bring anything either, so I wasn't alone.

We went into a meeting room and it was a bit of an informal session where we got to ask Mary questions and she told us a bit about trials. I thought it was a good idea, and really enjoyed it. That is, until it finished. Of course, it's usual for things like this to end with a bit of chit chat, but because they're all women, the chit chat turned into "this guy is sleazy" and "women don't get a fair go" gossip. I could only sit there quietly.

When it was finished, it was nearly 2pm. I went out to buy a quarter chicken and went back to the office to cut it up and eat it with rice. Yum.

I started work after that, but soon got a huge headache and that familiar pain behind my eyeballs. I just felt so tired all of a sudden. I wonder if it had anything to do with the short black coffee I had with Moira yesterday.

Because of that, I left at about 5pm. Even though it was raining lightly, I went for a walk around Chinatown and Market City aimlessly. Maybe a bad idea since it started raining heavier. I was thinking about Naby in a more depressed state. I don't know why, but I just get depressed like this at times.

When I got home, I put some spaghetti in the oven. When I was eating, it made me think of the spaghetti at Pizza Hut and all of a sudden I felt like all you can eat. I wanted to organise an all you can eat dinner at Pizza Hut this Friday with Ele and her group, and maybe we could go play pool afterwards. Yes, that'd be a great idea.

But then I realised I had to see Naby this Friday. Hmmm. The thought of flaking on her did cross my mind, but seriously, on the small possibility that she goes to work for you, how slack would that be?? It's one thing to stand someone up who's waiting at the cinema, but it's a completely different thing to stand someone up while making them have sex with total strangers.

Don't do it.

"Maybe"

So last night, I went to bed with my phone, having turned off all the lights. I held it up, drafting a reply, deleting it, then drafting another one. I wanted to indicate I'd come, but also I wanted a reply.

Eventually I replied with this:

Me @ 22:23 - How about I come see you Friday at about 11pm?

That's good. You specified a time this time and phrased it as a question.

I put my phone to the side, telling myself not to expect a reply, yet at the same time, waiting for the message tone was like throwing a grenade and waiting to hear the explosion. As I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, it went off.

Oh my god!

Naby @ 22:24 - Ok.. See we then..

Ok...maybe she means "we see then".

I wanted a bit more. What had just occurred seemed a bit 'plain'. I felt flirty...and maybe even a bit daring.

Me @ 22:25 - Miss me? :)

Not getting a reply to this would've been lethal.

Naby @ 22:26 - May be.. Kkk :-)

I smiled. I decided it was best to leave it at that. Now that I knew that "kkk" meant something like "hehehe", it was a good sign. However, the negativity and insecurity in me wondered if it was just a "gentle no". I dozed off to sleep thinking about it, but mostly gushing inside.

Woke up today and went to work, bought some food from Breadtop for breakfast. Bummed around a bit before heading off with Moira to do the list. The courtroom opened just as we got there, and things started almost immediately.

I was really surprised at how fast and nonchalant Moira was doing the matters. She didn't need help. She was completely competent. But part of me thought maybe she was going a bit extra hard to put on a show for me.

I did mention my two matters when the courtroom was pretty crowded.

We got through most of the matters before 11am, so had an early morning tea break. We went to the cafeteria for a coffee and we talked about the list. When conversation was dying, I thought it would be best revived by gossip, so we talked about our work and office politics. I learnt that she recently applied for a job at the SLA. I was kinda shocked. I never saw her staying here long term, but now? Damn. It'd be sad to lose someone as competent as her, but at the same time, I guess that narrows down the candidates for possible promotions.

We went back at noon and did a few more matters, and then headed back to the office at lunch. I returned by myself as there were only two matters left. At the very end, I said "that completes the list" and the mag said "you have a very soft voice or I'm going deaf. I think it's the first" lol.

I walked back to the office dragging my suitcase, relieved it was all over. I was tired, but spent my time writing up the files and following up on a few things. I left the office at about 6pm. I wanted to do something, maybe go for another walk. But it was raining so I just went home.

Thinking about the texts exchanged last night, I was in a more upbeat mood today. Seriously, last night I thought there was a chance that her "may be" meant "not really" or a polite way to avoid an answer. But thinking about it, with the "kkk" I was more confident it was flirty.

Feeling pretty good right now!

Emotions cut off

"There's a switch, I flip, emotions cut off"
-- Welcome 2 Hell, Eminem & Royce Da 5'9"

Although I told myself yesterday not to message her until about Friday, I couldn't help myself and went to bed with my phone. As I laid there, I texted a message.

Me @ 22:31 - Are you ok? Is everything ok??

I laid there, half trying to fall asleep, and half waiting for that Ryu ringtone of mine. I never got it.

This morning, I didn't feel ready for work. I had a sort of a big weekend. I mean, I went punting for three nights in a row and blew a load of cash. On top of that I met with two girls who were complete strangers. It was a hangover, just not the alcoholic type.

However, I got into work easier than expected. Preparing for the upcoming week and tomorrow's list assist kept me very busy. So busy in fact, that I went to lunch at a bit past 1pm, whereas a lot of my office days I'm waiting for the clock to strike 12 to go eat.

I turned my phone off silent waiting for a message to come through.

My plan was kinda to call the shop after work. I was fairly confident she'd be working by now, and I was thinking back and forth whether I should see her if she was.

In the late afternoon I was in Moira's room preparing the files for tomorrow. She seems to take an extremely casual approach to it. I don't even think she looked at any of them. She said she just deals with it on the day. I, on the other hand, like to make sure I know everything ahead and that everything is ready to go. However, I think it'll be interesting tomorrow to see us in action, both being ex-defence lawyers. You saw a hint of it today, when we were both making fun of some subs someone else did, lol.

Mary stopped by for a chat, which usually means at least 10-20 minutes taken out of your time. I walked back to my room after a while and checked my phone. There was a message. I obviously didn't hear it whilst in Moira's room. I wondered who it could be. A small part of me hoped it would be Naby, but I knew better. I had already set my expectations so that she'd send me a message later in the week, if at all. Anyway, I read the message.

Naby @ 16:04 - Yeah.. I am ok.. May be I go to work this week Friday and saturday. Because I go to school ever week 5 days.

I was surprised she replied, even though it was so much later. I didn't know what to say. I mean, obviously I was going to say something like I'll see you on Friday/Saturday, but I didn't want to reply straight away.

As time passed, the message sunk in a bit more. I wasn't sure if I should be so happy she replied. It obviously seems like she only wanted to see me at work, not outside of work. That really put a downer on me. What Shuing said about "feeling empty" really hit home to me.

It was so bad, that after work (I left at 5:30ish) I took a walk towards the casino, thinking about it. I first headed to Town Hall. I then crossed the road and walked towards Darling Harbour. I figured it'd be good to sit down on the water side and read that message some more. But then I found myself walking through the shops on my former usual route to the casino. When I got through the shops, I figured I'd sit by the water nearby, but I ended up walking towards the casino.

I made my way in there. I really think the type of air they ventilate in there is very synthetic. It really gets the heart pumping. I first checked out the baccarat tables, then went to the roulette tables. I did think about withdrawing some cash and dumping $800-$1000 on one spin, but when I watched one spin and pretended I placed a bet on black and the third column, the number was 19...I would've lost all my money just like that.

I walked around a bit, but mainly stayed around the roulette tables. I watched as a black man in a business suit lost all his chips and walked away lonely. I knew that feeling. And what's more, I knew he was feeling it. I watched another guy exchange $500 for chips, then lost it in one spin. I watched as he took another $500 out and lost it in the next spin. I overheard a guy talking to another guy behind me saying "he just lost $1,000". Wow, that could've been me.

I eventually made my way out. One thing I noticed about the unfinished refurbished casino is that there are no seats for people to just sit and do nothing. All seats are attached to some game. If you're not playing, then you're standing.

As I walked back out, I figured it'd be much safer to just buy shares in the casino. It's good to have the house advantage.

I went to the supermarket nearby and bought a 'limeade' drink, which was pretty sour. I then went through the Harbour shops again and bought a large fries from Macca's. I was thinking about the Naby message in the back of my mind. I felt conflicted now. As I walked back to the bus stop, I would wish I could be like Eminem - just cut off my emotions. I wished I could be cold.

Now, I didn't like her so much. Maybe it wasn't so much about the content of the message. Maybe I just didn't like being ignored, and I just wanted to prove something. Now that she had replied, I knew I hadn't been ignored and felt like the 'power' was in my court again. Another part of me didn't really want to spend another $220-$270 given my recent splurge. And then another part of me queried whether I'd even have time on Friday and Saturday to see her.

Having had more time to think now that I'm home, maybe it's not as negative as I thought. Again, I seem to impose on her my untold words. How would she really know you wanted to see her outside of work? Did you expect her to ask you out? Also, if you don't go, how would you even try to get her back? By text messages?! I think if I want any chance, I'd have to see her in the shop at least once more.

I also wonder whether ensuring just one customer such as myself is such a big deal for her. Surely if I wasn't there she wouldn't lost out on much. Also, it's kinda surprising that she still wants to see you, even if it's just as a customer, after all this time when this year you would regularly go 3-4 weeks without seeing her. If she was really money hungry, she probably would've left you behind a long time ago. Also, I can now see why previously she never sent me messages such as "long time no see, when are you coming next?" because it was sooooo obvious as a money making tactic. Maybe she didn't want to come off as that? Maybe at least a small part of her wants to see me because she likes me? Or at least, doesn't find me repulsive?

Tiffany / She really is sick

I don't know why, but I got up at about 6:30am today, grabbed my dad's phone and used it to dial Naby's number. It rang out. I didn't want to use my home number as she might start thinking it was always the same person (ie. me) calling, so I thought revealing a number would alleviate some suspicion.

Anyway, I went back to sleep, woke up at 8ish. I had breakfast and jumped on the net and then had a further nap, waking up at about noon. I bummed around a bit half waiting for my dad to come back with the car.

I had decided: I was going to Naby's shop or my old massage place. I wanted either to see Crystal or Amy in the line up, or find a new girl to 'pursue' from the massage shop. I figured the massage shop method would be a lot cheaper in the long run. I called the shop and the guy said Naby was "day off" today.

I told myself that maybe after a bit more than a year, this thing had to end somehow. I semi-accepted it. I believed that she was eluding me for whatever reason. I told myself that I had a good run, but sometimes relationships just end. Maybe it was time to find a new one. I needed to take my mind off Naby and the best way to do it, right now, was to see Crystal or Amy whom I have had a start with, or meet a new massage girl who I could see potential with.

My dad came back at 2pm. I hurriedly got changed and left. I drove to the shop, parked, got some money out and went in. No security guard. I was greeted by a new guy, definitely not the usual guy I used to see. I wonder what happened to him. But then again, I come here for the girls, not the male receptionist.

I went to the bathroom and then returned to the main waiting room. I was shown four girls. One I think I have seen in a previous line up. None looked at me. One looked kinda older. After they left I asked if there were any other. The guy said there were two upstairs, would be ready in half an hour. I asked what their names were, hoping it'd be either Amy or Crystal, but nada.

I went with the girl in the middle whose hand covered the number. I later walked out to see her, thinking she wasn't much to look at, but maybe I was just still in with Naby. I walked up first and she indicated left on the second floor. I saw she was holding a Domo handbag and I said "domo" when I walked in. She confirmed I was referring to her bag and laughed.

She went out to get the towels, and when she came back I asked what her name was. She said Tiffany. As I was taking my shoes off I saw that she was wearing badge #99. We both got undressed and had a shower. I asked how long she'd been working here and she said 10 months.

Bingo, so you must know Naby.

Shower had a bit of talk. I said "choar" when the water was cold, and had to say it a few times before she knew I meant "cold". After the shower I said "kamsa-hamnida" and she laughed. I dried off, then gave her a towel when she finished.

I pointed to a notice on the wall which said something about taking the condom off was rape. I said that was new and she just laughed and shook her head.

I laid on my tummy as she got on and wiped my body some more with a towel before kissing the back of my body. After that she asked me to turn around and so I did, and she licked my nipples before going down on me, then doing the fire and ice thing.

Then she put the condom on and got on top of me. She placed her hands on my chest and abs, so I tried to bend up a little so she could feel how hard it was. I eventually sat up to suck her breasts and she didn't know what position I wanted and we both laughed. We changed and I got on top of her.

I started sucking her breasts before entering her. Maybe it was because I already had sex the previous night, but it took me a while to finish. I was going at it hard which caused her to moan a lot. Part of me thought it was fake, but her legs would spread really wide and then grip my waist. Then we switched to doggy where I eventually finished. She actually said "thanks" as she was breathing hard when I pulled out. Hmmm...maybe she did enjoy that.

I laid down with my left arm stretched out and she put her face on it, wanting to go to sleep. I decided to ask about Naby. After a bit of chit chat, I said I used to come here a lot. She was surprised. I asked if she'd ever seen me and she said no. I said I only see one girl, Bibi. She was like "ah, Nabibi" and I was like "huh?" but yeah, she knew who I was talking about. She said Bibi is very tall. I said she was about her height. She said Bibi was about 170cm and she was 168cm, and I made a "urrnn" sound as if to say that was negligible.

Anyway, I said I used to see Bibi but she's disappeared. She said she was sick!

Oh my god!! She IS sick!!!

I asked if it was like a cold and she said yes. I told her about how Bibi had left Australia and come back, and how I hadn't seen her since she came back. She didn't seem to understand at first, but said she came back for one day. I thought about asking if that was a Friday but didn't. I don't know why. Stupid me.

I told her not to tell Bibi I was here and made a "shhh" gesture with my finger and lips. She understood and smiled. She asked if I liked her with a bit of a knowing smile on her face and I said I did. I told her I messaged Naby but she didn't reply so I thought maybe she doesn't like me. She said that wasn't the case.

We went to another topic, and I asked her about what she did in Korea before. She said something about answering the telephone but drinking a lot so that customers could smell the drink. I asked if she had a boyfriend in Korea and she said yes. I asked if he knew she was working here and she said no, then she broke out candidly and said she was joking. She said she had one about two years ago but he was with many girls. She tried to find the word for it and I said "player" and she was like "yes!"

We talked about Sydney and Korea. She asked me how long I'd been here and I said 23 years. She asked if I liked it and I said it was ok, but there were too many people. I asked if she drank "choonga" and she said no because it was too expensive. She said $10 here was $11 in Korea.

She asked if I had a girlfriend and when I said no, she asked if I was married. When I said no she asked why. I said I'd been seeing Bibi for more than a year. Not sure where I was getting at. I remember asking her again not to tell Bibi.

By now we were both laying on our tummies talking. I could see from before how far apart our hips were, so I guess this was a good indicator of how close two people were. At one point I stared blankly at a bottle of Listerine thinking about Naby until she clicked her fingers in front of me. I just told her too much Listerine was not good for the mouth and also that the ice cube was not good.

As we were talking, her little alarm started going off and she reached for it and turned it off, and we continued talking until the buzzer went, then we went for a shower. I went first and got the water temperature right before having the shower, then I handed it to her.

I walked down the stairs first and then waved goodbye to her at the bottom. As I was leaving the receptionist guy asked if it was good service. I said "good, very good".

So now my mind was back to normal. I wasn't going crazy anymore. I wasted $730 over three days just because I am insecure. If only I had believed that she was sick. Trust. The key word is trust. And I didn't trust her.

Dinner with two strangers / Mimi

Man, seriously, I woke up today with the "what the fuck happened last night?" feeling.

So I met this girl on Oasis called Phoebe. We chatted on MSN a bit and swapped numbers. We text sometimes when she asks me out and spoke on the phone once about meeting. I think I posted about this. Despite all that, last night was the first time I met her.

Yesterday morning I went to the Wick to drop off my suit at the dry cleaners, hoping the Fitness First chick was there, but she wasn't. I then went to buy a cake for my physio since it had been a year since my surgery. I called up the physio section but there was no answer, so I fugred maybe it was just the receptionist area that was closed.

I bought a mango cheesecake and spoke to Phoebe on the phone as I walked to the hospital. She asked if I was doing that night and I said no, so we agreed to meet up for dinner.

I went downstairs to the physio but they were closed :( No one in sight in that section. So I took the cake home and shared it with my family.

I then got a lift off my dad to the city for bball training at KGV. I was half an hour late, getting there at 10:30am. When I got there, Nick was shooting around. Phil messaged me saying he'd be late. We suspected Bo had been drinking on Friday night.

Anyway, there was a comp game going on on the other court and some guy came over and asked if one of us wanted to play. I suggested Nick so he went. I just kept shooting, trying to focus on driving to the basket. Then Bo arrived and we shot around until Nick finished his game. Then a girl came over and asked if one of us wanted to play in the next game cause they were short of players, so Bo went. I didn't see the need to play to risk my knee.

Then Phil arrived, and we spent the time between shooting around and watching Bo play. Nick told me that Bo really hated Angelo, lol. I really wanted to add my two cents (or 100 dollars) to it but held back. I wanted him off the team now, but I think I'll just have to put up with him till the end of the season.

After Bo finished, we played a four on four half court game. I tried to drive it but Bo was marking me and usually backed off on defence to give me room. Also, when I did drive it, I found Nick at the center in my way. It was a bit dumb I suppose. Here I was telling myself to drive it 100% of the time, yet I then realised that Bo would keep backing off until I hit some outside shots to make him an honest defender and start coming out at me.

Nick left at about noon and we continued playing. I did back down one small guy (who used to play at Moore Park and had now seemed to bulk up a bit) and faked to my left before turning around back to my right for a fadeaway. It felt ok and was surprised it went in.

One of our last games was against a team that had just played in the other comp. It was Bo, Phil, me and some kid wearing a Kobe jersey. We got off to an amazing start, like 6-0, before the other team started scoring.

I was hitting my outside shots and everything seemed good, but after a while I noticed Bo and the fat Indian guy he was marking were getting a bit physical. At one point the guy said to Bo "really?", took the check, and drove it straight at him. This wasn't going to end well, I knew.

Later things came to a heat when both were talking, and Bo said he was just going to leave. Phil and I had no choice but to leave with him. Bo came back in and argued with the guy more before we got changed on the sidelines. The guy came over and sort of apologised, saying we didn't need to leave. I was being diplomatic and just said we were old and tired, unlike them. I reckon they would've been about 17 or something.

I thought it was sensible of Bo to walk away, but at the same time, I wondered why he always attracts trouble.

We walked back to the city and Bo suggested eating. I initially agreed, but then looked at the time (1:30pm) and said I needed to go home. The real reason was because I wanted to see if Naby was working.

As I walked to the bus stop, I called the shop and asked. The guy said she had "day off". Hmmm.

I went home, had a shower and then at about 4pm I dropped my dad off at work and my mom at the nearby RSL club. I went back home to get ready to go out to meet Phoebe.

I left home at a bit after 5pm and drove out to Bankstown. I found her address, which was very close to where I used to work. I called her and she said she'd be coming down in a bit. I couldn't believe I was doing this - waiting for a stranger in my car. I also couldn't believe she was up for it - to be picked up by a stranger.

She called, and then I saw a figure up ahead standing there. I turned on my lights and she came over. She got in my car. As it was dark, I didn't get a real good look at her, but she did resemble the picture she had shown me once.

I started driving off towards the city and we just made small talk. I had Bad Meets Evil playing at a low volume, but loud enough to make out the words if there was silence. I couldn't help but go quiet a bit at times. She said we would meet her cousin later and told me not to be too quiet. Hmmm. As the drive went on, I came to realise that she was quite a demanding, picky and snotty person. I should've known when she asked if my car was older than five years old and if it had air conditioning.

I had her call the restaurant to make a booking, but they were all booked out for the night. Unbelievable. We agreed to just walk around and find one. I got to the city and parked in the car park behind the cinemas. As I was driving onto that street she saw some Spanish restaurants and suggested we have Spanish, so we ended up at one on Liverpool St.

We were shown to a table for two, and when we sat down I got a good look at her. She was ok I suppose, but she had this arrogant aura about her. She said she didn't eat most seafoods. I forgot about this and asked about the prawns as an entree. She said yes, but later pointed out it out to me. Silly me, but she did say yes. I didn't care too much because I didn't really feel like I wanted to impress her. She told me her real name was Cecilia, so I was not to call her Phoebe when I met her friends. Also, in the car, she said if anyone asked, we met through work.

She wanted to move to a bigger table, so she told the waiter another friend was coming, and had us moved to a four seater table. I thought she was lying, but her cousin did end up coming.

The prawns came first which was a bit awkward. She encouraged me to eat them and I had a couple before I decided to wait for an additional entree I ordered for her, which were the scallops. I noticed she didn't invite me to eat the scallops. She also asked for bread, and so we just chomped on them before she started whinging about the food not coming.

Sometimes I'd go quiet and look out the window behind her. She asked me what I was thinking and I said a lot of things. She said that wasn't good because it was like a girl. She said her ex-boyfriend used to just "space out" and think about nothing, which was what guys were supposed to do.

When she went out to get her cousin, I had the waiter check on the food and he came back to tell me it was coming. I was a bit nervous waiting for her to bring her cousin back. I couldn't believe I was going to have dinner with two complete strangers. Her cousin when she walked in was a bit of a stunner. Short, petite, but nice hair and face. Her name was Julia, or Jude or something.

Julia did seem a bit happier to see me. I noticed constant eye contact. At one stage Cecilia even asked her what she thought of me, having sensed a bit of a connection between us. She said I had a nice feel, lol.

As we ate, we talked about what to do next, and I noticed they mainly just ate the bread with the sauce on the meals. Cecilia didn't like the steak and didn't touch the chicken at all, saying there were many parts of the chicken she didn't eat.

Julia and I seemed to strike a better connection when I mentioned chilli crab with bread in Cabramatta. It was even better when Cecilia knew nothing about it. We suggested trying it next time. There was also talk about meeting up the next night for dinner at a Brazilian restaurant, and we talked about meeting up for me to wash their cars. I wasn't sure if they were serious, but I played along and said sure, even though in the back of my mind I would've preferred to go into the office.

I could tell Cecilia was going sleepy from the wine, as she got more and more quiet. She also didn't seem to want to do anything after dinner, wanting to go home instead. Julia wanted to play pool at Cheers. I suggested the arcades which Julia also seemed open to.

After some reluctance, Cecilia agreed to pool. We got the bill and it was about $143. I put my $50 down. There was no way I was going to shout this one.

We went out and walked to Cheers. I couldn't believe I was walking into a place like this with two girls. I reckon other guys would've looked at me and thought "what does this guy have?" We went downstairs and they went to the bar to order drinks, and I went to the bathroom. When I came back I saw they had ordered shots and had them at the bar. We then went over to a standing area with their drinks. Julia wanted to dance but Cecilia didn't want to.

There were some guys there trying to start a dance on the dance floor, who just looked sad to me. I could see them checking out Julia because she was wearing a tight white dress.

Eventually we left and met a couple by the name of Rob and Jenny. Rob was an older Caucasian guy, whereas Jenny was a younger Vietnamese girl. The first thing I noticed was she had two different eyes. I think she lost one eye and so one is fake. She would be absolutely stunning if she had both real eyes, and I doubt she'd be with Rob.

We went to the Star Bar. At the bar, they were ordering drinks and I again went to the bathroom. When I came back, I offered to hold their stuff for them as I didn't want to dance. They piled their stuff onto me so I happily sat on a stool and just browsed the net on my phone. Sometimes I'd think about Naby. I looked around and half expected her to be there.

Later Julia came over and asked me to go over to where they were. I said I'd come in a moment and did. I walked over to see that there actually weren't that many people dancing on the dance floor. Just people standing around with their drinks, watching two people hired to dance on some platforms. I watched the dancers as I minded their stuff. It enthralled me to see how creative they were. If it was me, I'd have some sort of cycle where I repeat my moves, but they never seemed to do it.

So that went on for a while, with one of them coming over occasionally to check/get their things. There was a bit of an issue of what to do after. Cecilia wanted to go home and I said I'd drive her, but she kept saying I should stay with Julia. I figured that I picked her up, so I was obligated to take her back. I did offer to come back for Julia, but when Cecilia wanted to leave, Julia was nowhere in sight, so that was the end of that.

Cecilia wanted to get a cigarette so I went into the arcades. Spent $10 and didn't get anything. We then went to my car and I drove her home. I semi-needed her guidance but she fell asleep and I figured out the way anyway.

When we got there I nudged her awake. She looked around and fell back asleep a few times before getting out. Can't remember if she thanked me or not but she didn't say much when she got out. Oh well.

I then drove to Naby's shop. I was crazy. I'll admit I'm not in the right mind frame right now. I needed to crap and went into the shop where the security guard opened the door. I went to the toilet almost immediately and chucked a relieving crap.

I returned to the main waiting room. It was quite busy. Indeed, a lot of older Vietnamese men as one forum described.

I was shown four girls. One of them was Mimi, on the far left. I think I remember seeing her in the lineup when I chose Crystal. She kept looking at me, so I chose her, even though she was not that great looking. In fact, none of them were.

I waited a while before I was invited to come out. I walked up the stairs first and we went to the third floor. I was pretty quiet, not really in the mood to talk. We got naked and showered. I asked her how long she'd been working and she said three weeks, so I figured she probably didn't know Naby.

After the shower I laid down on the bed. She was a lot better at sucking the back of my body than Crystal. When I turned around she went down on me for a while and was pretty good at it. She asked something about the condom and I just said ok. She put it on and got on top. Don't know why but I was pretty close to finishing so I quickly said "change" and got on top. I licked her nipples a bit before entering her and finishing like that.

She cuddled up to me and I held her and we slept like that for the rest of the session. I actually fell asleep, noticing when my hand would fall off her and placing it back there again.

We were woken by the buzzer and quickly showered and got changed. Her English was pretty bad, but I got the feeling she kinda liked me. She thanked me for sleeping and then pecked me on the lips before we walked out the door.

I walked out $270 broker.

First DC sentence / No Naby / One year sobriety coin chip!

I got to work at 8:15am yesterday to finish preparing for my sentence. I realised I had probably left it a little late - next time I need to put a whole day aside to prepare. I could hear people like Mary talking and I hoped that they wouldn't come over because I really needed peace and quiet to prepare. Luckily, they didn't.

I eventually left for court. There were only two matters in my courtroom, so it was pretty certain that it'd be going ahead. Part of me wanted to beg for an adjournment. But I know that even if I got one, the same thing would happen next time.

Kathy arrived and we talked a bit about the matter before waiting around. Then the cop Tricia arrived and we had a little chat, then waited for the judge to come on. When he did, he gave judgment/sentence in another matter first. I sat in and listened as the dude was sentence for, amongst other things, armed robbery. I looked at him and thought what he did was pretty bad, as the judge read out the facts, maybe even worse than what my guy did (import). But of course, it was apples to oranges.

As I sat there, sometimes I thought about meeting Naby later that night and making love to her.

That matter finished at about 11:30am, just in time for the morning tea break. The judge asked us to hand up our papers informally so he could read over them during the break and asked us to come back at 12:20pm. I just stayed in one of the conference rooms to read some further material, and before I knew it, it was time to go back. Time really flies when you're busy!

Anyway, I went back at 12:20pm and we managed to get a start. We got our papers back. The def had been brought up into the dock. Kathy asked for him to speak to his family, and it was a bit sad, so I tried not to look.

It seriously was my first DC sentence as a pros, but I didn't tell anyone here. I started reading an outline before the judge stopped me to ask if the def adhered to his plea. I continued, and then formally handed up my papers. At times I was questioning if I was doing the right thing, or if there was a next step in the process that I wasn't aware of.

But it all went rather smoothly. I told myself not to xx the def, but I did ask him a few questions because the judge seemed interested in the money aspect. I think I did ok. My questions were:

1. I'll take you back to 4 August ok?
2. At that time you owed x?
3. And you were told if you did this, then y would be cleared off the debt?
4. And do you remember telling the police that z told you if you did a few runs then that would clear the debt?

I was obviously trying to force him to say yes to all those, which he did. Phew.

The judge adj to 3pm for judgment and it was only about 1pm, so I decided to go see how the celebration lunch was doing. I went to the Civic and saw Ogre, Clare, Moira, Mary and Michael at a table. They were waving me over. I went there and they were in the middle of their meals. I went to order and then went back to the table.

It was pretty bad seating position for me. I was next to Moira, and there was too much noise to hear what Mary and Michael were saying at the head of the table. I'm sure it was gossip and/or funny stuff, which I think was the main reason they wanted the lunch anyway. Damnit, I really wanted to hear it.

I feared my lunch would come too late and I'd have to eat it when everyone was leaving, but it came just in time I suppose. I was, however, the only one eating as everyone else had finished. I felt a bit left out as everyone talked and I just ate my prawn pie (which wasn't really that good).

Later Trent's dad Steve and Frank arrived. It was a bit funny, because earlier Michael was teasing Moira about how good looking Frank was, lol. I was glad I wasn't the only one who thought Frank was a fuckhead. Just looking at him made me feel sick. It's not so much his look, but he just has sleaze written all over him, and he's an over-confident prick. I remember seeing him in Wick once with his Asian girlfriend. Another case of "why can't I get a girl like that".

Luckily we left soon, and we all went back to the office. I bummed around until 2:30pm when I left for the court again. It was an easy ride from here, although I was mindful that the judge may still ask me questions. As I listened and wrote down what he was saying, I thought that he had a really nice steady voice, and he did a good job as a judge. I remembered the time I volunteered to be a judge, and it was pretty hard, so now I appreciated his job that much more.

When he read out the sentence, I couldn't help but glance over and look at the def to see his reaction. I thought maybe it was a tiny bit harsh, but not an error. He didn't have any reaction. He looked a bit like John actually, lol.

You read about sentences all the time, but it's not until you're actually there and writing it down that it really hits you as to how long it really is. This guy will come out in 2014. Damn. That's a long time. I don't know what I'd do if I had to be sent away until 2014.

Afterwards I saw him smiling at Kathy, so I guess he was happy with his result.

I left with Tricia and she said she would've liked more. I reminded myself that she had a very pros view.

I went back to the office, glad that I had done my first DC sentence smoothly and also that it was near the end of the day. I went to tell Mary about it without much planning or thinking. I told her how the judge had said something about fixed terms and I "gave him a 'I don't know what you're talking about" look. As soon as I said it I knew it didn't sound too well. She looked at me and I caught a glimpse of her look which indicated that she now thought I was dumb.

God, I really should think about things before I open my mouth. I kept mentally banging my head after that.

I just bummed around and talked until 5pm when I left. I had messaged Ele at 4pm asking her if she was doing anything after work, and I didn't get a reply so I thought I'd go for a walk. I had thought about going to the casino. Part of me wanted to place one big bet to celebrate my one year anniversary of my surgery and also being gambling free. I had placed this thought on a gambling addiction forum and one person gave an analogy of robbing a bank, getting caught and going to jail. Would I celebrate two years released from jail by robbing another bank? Good analogy.

But I wanted to go for a walk along that usual path I always took to the casino as I felt a bit sad about the sentence. Even though it was along the main street, walking in the context of my gambling addiction days brought some old feelings back. And I didn't like it. I remembered how I used to rush through the streets to get to the casino. I also felt that old familiar feeling of telling myself to "win one bet, and leave" and how I never adhered to it. Oh god.

I got to the QVB and checked my phone. Ele had rang. I called back and she said she was near the cinemas, and we agreed to meet. That probably saved me from going to the casino.

I walked through the drizzling rain to meet her. I thought she was near the sushi restaurant but as I walked in she spotted me at the entrance and waved. I walked over to her in my long coat. She was dressed rather casually with a white jacket. I wanted to tell her straight away about my sentence but I didn't want to come off as selfish, so we talked a bit about her day at work. I eventually told her about it as we made our way down the main street.

She was very interested, and I really wanted to talk about it, so it was good. We stopped inside a small mall to avoid the heavy rain. We talked a bit about raising kids these days (and she also told me about how people are stuffing alcohol into their vaginas/anuses which was a bit weird) before I felt hungry and thought about the food stalls in Chinatown on a Friday night. I suggested it, although she said she wasn't hungry, but she said she would accompany me.

We went there and I felt like it was a bit like a date, only I was sure she didn't feel the same way. I saw her speaking on the phone to Yang to tell him where she was. I bought a box of fried calamaries and she took a piece. She asked Yang if he wanted anything. She said she wanted to go buy some meat so we went to the butcher in Market City as I ate my stuff. She said they had the best pork.

We passed the Morning Glory where I had bought the Totoro and I asked if she thought it was cute. She said it was ok, lol. I waited for her as she bought her meat and then we walked off. I started telling her about one of my cases where there was a raid recently on Chinatown on people selling fake stuff, and she said she was there when it happened. Wow, how coincidental I thought.

We walked to Central and when we got there we started talking about superannuation and the share market. Then I said I'd let her go. She didn't seem like she wanted to go, and asked if I wanted to play table tennis with Yang and Samuel. It didn't really appeal to me so I said no. She just stood there and I was like "ummm...you should go to the gates" and then she went, lol.

I caught a bus back home, got changed and bummed around on the net waiting for my dad to get home. He got home at 10:30pm. I got changed into my suit and got down to the car at 10:40pm. I called the shop and asked if Bibi was working. He said she was sick. My heart sank. I asked if Naby was working and he said there was no Naby.

My mind was spinning.

Sick??

What was up with that? I would've thought if she wasn't working she'd tell me. What's the point of telling me to meet if she wasn't working? Was this deliberate? Was she trying to avoid me? Was the shop lying? Or was she really sick? I thought maybe she was working under a different name, so I sent a message:

"Are you sick? Shop said you were sick"

I didn't get a reply. Not an instant one anyway. So I thought that was the case and maybe she was with a customer. I told myself to 'decide' after an hour. I drove towards the casino. I thought about going in to check, but I knew it wouldn't be a good look to be seen there after being a pros in a gambling/drug matter on the very same day.

I stopped, fixed my mirror, checked my phone, and drove off to the shop. I figured I might watch from the outside until the hour was up. I was really disappointed. I had shaved, I had the Totoro ready and I had gotten a haircut for this. And now it wasn't happening. Very, very disappointed.

Maybe she was working earlier, and she was waiting for you, but you didn't come so she left? Maybe she thought you meant 6 or 7pm?

What were my options? I could go to another shop, or I could see another girl in the shop. The latter, of course, might cause a problem if Naby ever found out.

When I got there, I saw a security guard standing outside. This was new.

Maybe an incident happened earlier? Involving Naby?

I parked across the road and gave him a nod as I walked in. The door was opened and I was directed to the first room on the left. I asked the guy if Bibi was working and he asked another, and he said no. I mentioned the security guard and said that was the first time I'd seen one, and he said there has always been one. I asked for the line up. It came in sooner than I expected, and I sat back with my arms crossed, expecting to see Naby.

I was shown about five girls. One kept looking at me. I know I should've picked her, but for some reason I picked a girl called Crystal. I don't know why. None of them really appealed to me. I wanted Naby. I paid for an hour. I was told to wait a few minutes as she was eating. Whatever. When I was finally told to come out, I had my glasses on and looked around. I caught a glimpse of a tall girl with dyed orange hair walk by and I heard a bit of a squeal. My mind told me that was Naby seeing me but I don't think it was. She was too tall, and Naby didn't dye her hair all orange.

I followed Crystal up the stairs. I noticed she was wearing any shoes. When we went into the room, she went out to get the towels. I said "no shoes" and she thought I said "nice shoes" and laughed and said thanks. I asked her how she was and she said good. She seemed a bit reluctant to get undressed so I just nonchalantly took my clothes off, with a bit of "let's get this done with" feeling.

When I finished, she was naked and in the shower. We showered together and I noticed she looked a bit like a younger Amanda. She wasn't ugly, some may think she was quite cute, but it really wasn't my cup of tea. I wanted Naby. She had my rinse with a bit of Listerine. I jokingly asked if I should swallow it.

I dried myself and then laid on the bed face down. I was looking forward to this as I hadn't had it in a while. She kissed my back and down to my legs. I felt like she was rushing it. She didn't "DD" though, which I was looking forward to. She asked me to turn around. Before she went down on me, she asked me a question about my dick, which was a bit weird. Then she proceeded and I must admit, she was good at it. She then put the condom on, saying to be careful as it was a bit big, and then got on top of me. She rode me for a bit as I felt her breasts, and then asked to switch. I asked if she was tired and she said yes.

I stared licking her nipples causing her to moan softly. Then I entered her. I was closer to finishing quicker than I thought. I slowed down to last longer, but that didn't work too long, so I finally finished.

I laid down and she laid next to me. I sort of had my left arm spread out. If this was Naby, she'd wrap my arm around her and sleep on it. Crystal placed it back next to me so she could lie down. It was quiet at first as I thought about Naby. But eventually we made some small talk.

She asked me where I was and I asked her to guess. She got China after a few guesses and then I told her HK. She asked me how old and I had her guess. She said 25 at first and made her way up to 29, and then said I looked young. She then asked what I did for work and I asked her to guess, and she laughed and said it was hard because there were so many. I didn't really want to, but I told her. She wanted my business card, but I had her pass my phone to me and I asked for her number. She said no, so I just typed in my number and told her to remember it.

I asked her about her work. She said she'd been here for four days and this was her first day working. I asked what she did in Korea and she said just play and go clubbing. She had never worked before. After I told her about my sentencing matter and the case where a guy had his eyeball pulled out, she told me a story about her friend who was a working girl, who had a boyfriend but a customer fell in love with her, and the customer and boyfriend had a fight and the boyfriend was killed.

I took the opportunity to ask if a working girl here could have a boyfriend. She said no, because if they had a boyfriend they had no need for money. I asked why. She said girls thought differently - she added that a handsome guy with no money might be fun for a while, but ultimately the girl would choose the guy with money. She said if the boyfriend had money then there was no need to work.

I didn't mention Naby, as I didn't want any of the girls connecting who I was.

As we talked, we held hands, but I could feel the distance between us as I noticed how far apart our hips were as she had her right leg bent and away from my body. Sometimes she would squeeze my fingers. Sometimes I'd just put my right hand over my head, thinking about Naby, as I held her hand with my left.

She asked if I had a girlfriend or was married. I said no and showed her my left hand. She asked why not. I never know how to answer these questions. She asked if I had one a long time ago and I said yes.

I asked her if she drank and she said yes. I asked if it was soju and she said it didn't taste good, but I should ask for "choonga" next time I was at a Korean restaurant.

Her timer sounded and I asked "finished?" and she said five more minutes. We talked a bit more before another buzzer sounded and she said shower. She showered me, and looked up at me for a moment which made me think maybe she fancied me a bit. I didn't feel the same way. I wanted Naby.

I got dressed and she waited for me. I asked her what her badge number was and she said 555. I asked her how to say bye bye in Korean and she said it was the same and laughed. We walked down the stairs. I think she looked in the mirror to see if I was looking at her.

I walked out of the shop as a few older men walked in. I drove home, feeling Naby-less.

My insecurities always win out.