The return of Nunjo

Just when I thought this whole fucking saga was over...

In the morning, after settling in and everything, I realised I had forgotten to pass onto Tim the brief material I got yesterday. So I went down to level 9 to find him, and he wasn't around. I asked Darrell if he had already left, and Darrell went around looking. Chris saw me and asked me to pass an umbrella up to Nunjo.

So I went up, gave it to Clare to give to Nunjo and then went off to court to look for Tim.

I went to a CLE at 10am, sat next to Alanna. She would occasionally crack a joke and look at me and smile. I realised she had very attractive eyes. Sounds stupid, I know, but maybe it's because she wore her glasses a lot when she was my supervisor and I didn't realise. I managed to crack a joke back about a dead witness, saying we should say "they're not available today".

Powell sat at the front and displayed his unethical personality by telling everyone what he thought of a hypothetical situation. I just kept thinking "cunt...fucking cunt...fucking ugly cunt..."

After that we had a team morning tea to 'welcome' Helen to our team. They couldn't find Nunjo, which I thought was a good thing, but Clare went looking for her. She had already pulled out of the team christmas lunch which I was glad about. Anyway, Clare managed to find her, and so we all sat around eating cookies and donuts. I tried not to have too many given I could really only chew with one side of my mouth.

After that I asked Genie if she wanted to go for a walk, as she had wanted to earlier in the morning, but now she said no. Unlike her normal self, she kept sending sarcastic remarks about my team. Hmmm.

I went out to get some instant noodles for lunch, don't know why, I just felt like it.

I ate it in the office and then continued preparing for my Maitland list tomorrow. Then Nunjo came to my door. I thought she wanted something work related and gave her a 'gangster nod'. She started telling me off. From memory, she said "just by the fact that you can't even give me my umbrella is pathetic...your behaviour over the past four months is immature, unprofessional and it's making me uncomfortable".

She said more than that, but I was thinking of how to respond. I noticed she was shaking a bit, although she had obviously planned this little speech. I almost smirked at some points, yet at first I was quite taken aback and almost in shock. I think she finished by asking me to reflect on my behaviour, and I just said "alright". I kept thinking about the day she said "ok thanks" and so I wanted to give it back to her. I saw her in Clare's room after with the door closed, and so pretty much figured what they were talking about.

Mental note: Clare is not on your side.

I tried to continue reading but I was a little annoyed at what had just happened.

Why couldn't she just leave it? I sure didn't have a problem not talking to her. Unless this is actually bothering her?

I went to Mel's room and told her what had happened, just to make sure that she was getting the same treatment from Nunjo. I reasoned that if Nunjo treated Mel the same way, then she couldn't complain about my behaviour.

Mel was dismissive about the whole thing and re-told me stories of how Nunjo ignores her and said that Genie has seen it too. She also told me about how at a barrister's drinks last Friday they were all in a group, and when she said something, Nunjo was like "pffff" and walked away. She said even Alanna asked what was up with that.

After that I went back to work and then Genie came over to my room to talk. Then I went to her room to tell her what happened, and ended up talking for about 45 minutes about other stuff. To my disappointment, she could only recall one incident of when Nunjo ignored Mel and that was only when they pass each other in the corridors and that (which was different to what Mel had said).

After that I wasn't too bothered about the whole thing. I felt like laughing it off, even though I was considering how I should react. Lucky I am out of the office tomorrow. I was looking more forward to going home and playing Uncharted (which I just finished).

News that almost made me cry

So yesterday morning Joanne came into my room to tell me that from now on Helen would be supervising me. My first thought was "but I know more than her!", even though I just nodded. After she left, I figured I could've done a lot worse (like Nunjo or fucking cunt Powell), so I was content. Besides, Alanna told me Helen was a nice person.

But no, that is not the news that made me almost want to cry.

Today Genie asked me if I wanted to go for a walk with Maria, I said yes, so we walked through the park then went to get the $1 macaroons, which are now $1.50. They didn't have their wallets so I shouted. We bumped into Ogre on the way back, and she accidentally knocked my box of sushi, knocking one out of the box. When we were in the lift back up, Maria started talking about how corrupt Chinese were making property in Australia more expensive - I was very impressed that she shared my theory. Too bad we were just parting at that moment, because I felt like we had found a click.

Late in the day, I was getting ready to leave for my dentist appointment. Then I saw a call from Colin. That was weird, I thought, because he usually doesn't call me, especially during office hours. I closed my door and answered. He told me he was in hospital and just wanted to let me know in case Ele and I had sent outing invitations to his work email and wondering why he wasn't responding.

He told me he had leukemia and was undergoing treatment now. He said he wanted to tell Ele, but didn't want to upset her, particularly because she was pregnant. I don't think I have really ever had someone with such a significant illness. Bo was always going to be ok, and that was self inflicted, so sympathy level was almost zilch.

But Colin? One of my most immediate thoughts was how unfair this was. He was one of the nicest guys ever, and he was hard working too - working two jobs so he could save up for a property. And for what? To be royally screwed up by life like this? There are so many worse people out there to cancer should visit first. What about Nunjo who goes out for a smoke three times a day? Where's her cancer??

I felt pretty sick knowing that. Before I was a bit apprehensive about going to the dentist because of the pain, but now it was in perspective - it was almost as if I could use Colin's news to numb my own pain.

Anyway, I went to the dentist and got my treatment. Turns out it was the first of three, and so there's two more to go, all up $1500. Fuck.

I bought the medicine he prescribed me and went back to the office. I called Ele to tell her about Colin, but no answer. I had decided to get pizza for home, but I didn't want to get home too early to make it in time for the strata meeting. So I had about an hour to kill. I thought about going for a massage, and asked myself if that counted as cheating? Was it even morally wrong given my current situation with Erica? Are we boyfriend and girlfriend? We haven't even kissed.

In the end I didn't go, and just walked home.

Kainan: Quarter-finals

On Friday night at the gym, while doing my usual crunches, I felt fatigued. Not the short term type as in I'd been into that session for too long, but just the long term type. Kinda like, I've been doing this for ages, when does it end? I think when you start questioning things like that, it's a sign of fatigue and/or lack of motivation.

On Saturday my plan was to go to the courts to practice a bit, given the quarter-finals the next day. I played my PS3 in the morning and then headed out to the courts at 11am-ish. I shot around, felt a bit bored until I challenged myself to hit a long range two from all angles before leaving. I did that, but what was scary was the fact that I felt bored during that. I should never feel bored, and yet, I did. I questioned my long term fatigue even more.

The thing is, back in the days when I played only on Sundays, there would be a break of one or two months between seasons. That would give me time to re-charge myself both mentally and physically. It gave me something to work towards - next season. Every workout session I had the next season in mind.

However, these days, because the Wednesday night comp is continuous, I don't get that time to myself to re-charge. It seems like things like things just keep going and going without an end. That causes me to be tired. Add on top of that, I seem to playing more now with my knee post-surgery than before. Further, there's all this Bo-created drama that just drains me mentally.

Today, I played a bit of PS3 before getting ready for the game. I shaved my head and took a shower and then left. I didn't really want the additional distraction of Erica, but I decided to send her a message anyway. I asked her to send me a message when she gets back, which I had anticipated to be in a few days time on Tuesday.

I got to the courts about 40 minutes early, and just did some suicides on the netball courts to warm up, before going in to see Nick and Jim already there on court three. We shot around and I discussed my game plan with them, and then Mike and Alex Z showed up, and I told them my game plan as well. I wanted to start with Nick, Richard, Carter, One and me. Mike said I should have Carter as guard because of his size, and I asked him who should start, and he gave me the same lineup except with Bert replacing Carter.

I see the advantages of playing Carter at guard, but that adds one more to our guard rotation and I also find he gets more steals from the forward position. In the end, I went with my starting line up. I knew if we lost, I'd be responsible.

It was a bit back and forth for like the first 10 minutes, but they started hitting some outside shots and pulled away. I moved Carter to guard, which really limited the minutes of Jim, me, MJ and One. Mike also got more playing time than before, playing basically the last five minutes of the first half and first five minutes of the second half. However, my reward was seeing him trying to dribble in the backcourt, losing it, and the other team scoring an easy basket.

So after that, during halftime, one of my remarks to the team was I didn't want to see any And1 shit. He knew it was a reference to him, because afterwards I heard Bo telling him not to worry about it. As much as I don't like straining our relationship, I nevertheless felt justified in doing that. He's been doing that for years and never learns.

In the second half, the scoring girl came and told me we could only have 10 active players, and because we had 11, we had to scratch one off. I immediately looked at Bo, and goddamnit, you do not know how much I wanted it to be him. But you know the shit storm that would've caused? In the end, I sacrificed myself. He heard and volunteered, and I just told him it was too late. You just know that'd be one of the things he'd keep in his list of 'get backs' in the future.

So I watched from the sidelines as our deficit increased, and hope began to sink. I watched as Carter ditched the team offense and threw up shot after shot. I don't can't really criticise him for it - it was that style of play which gave us wins. I guess if we live by Carter, we also die by Carter.

At Nick's suggestion, we changed to man-to-man defense, which gave us a bit of a boost, but it was a bit too late. We ended up losing by about 15 points. It was a disappointing end to the season. Despite the fact that we had never beaten this Aesthetics team before, I was confident we could beat them today with us at full strength (though question whether Richard was hung over etc).

I sat with Nick and Richard after the game, feeling dejected. I wanted to know if Richard would play next season, but didn't ask. Bert expressed his interest, and I was glad he did. I would like to keep very much the same line up, except I think I may have lost Mike, and in turn, Carter. I guess it wouldn't be too big of a loss, as Carter exposed one weakness today, which was basically if you're having an off game, to just accept it. And with Mike, I'm just tired of his lack of discipline in general. To my disappointment, it looks like Bo will be returning.

I checked my messages and Erica had sent me a message. The convo was this:

Me: Ericaaaaaa
Me: send me message when you get back :)
Her: ha
Her: 11/10

11/10? What the hell does that mean? Both 11 October and 10 November have passed.

I figured she must have meant days.

Me: 11 or 10 days?
Her: 10

Not sure if her short messages are an indication of a lack of interest, and if so, stemming from my messages which may appear too desperate? Or maybe, like a meme I saw once, it could just be a case of girls sending short messages and expecting you to turn it into a full (yet funny) conversation.

And what the hell, 10 more days? Damn. And how about telling me without me asking?

After the game, with just Nick and Jim around, I told them I was actually a question mark for next season. I just want to get away from the team and have some time to myself, to re-charge. The main question I am going to ask myself is: do I want to deal with Bo for another season?

After the game, Jim and I went to Parramatta to eat. I told him I probably couldn't make the US trip, given the dental costs I'm about to (further) incur. What I didn't really disclose was the fact that now I'd have to pay off my credit card in full because my last few transactions triggered the accrual of interest (just like I had guessed, yet contrary to what the dude told me when I signed up), and because I do plan on asking Erica to go on a one week holiday up to the Gold Coast during the Christmas/NYE break.

He managed to talk me out of it mainly because he intended to go in May/June, whereas I had planned it for February/March, so given that, I should have a bit more time to save up.

At the shopping centre, I decided to be good and just eat a box of sushi. He bought some sort of crab mornay thing, which came with a crab salad. He said it was too much crab for him (lol) and so offered me his crab salad which I gladly took because I was still hungry.

After that we went to Stratty to meet Mark for some pick up bball. He had come down from QLD and was really eager to meet us. I felt kinda bad for him that no one else came, apart from Gus. We played two on two, and although Jim and I won the first game, we lost the next two. At first I didn't want to play that hard, but then it got a bit competitive and I actually started trying to block shots (awkward landing on ankles be damned) but even after we lost I didn't feel too bad about it.

Gus had to go because of his wife and kid, while the three of us just sat around talking. Despite the heat, it was good. We went to Gloria Jeans after to get a drink (my shout), only to be annoyed by this guy who kept coming in to ask for money. On his third attempt, we decided to leave.

I gotta say, when you are dehydrated, the drinks at Gloria Jeans do nothing to quench your thirst. In fact, it probably only makes things worse. So after that, we went to Woolies where Jim bought some bread and juice, and I got a bottle of water. We drove Mark back to his car and then Jim dropped me off at the station.

So now I gotta think of an 'end of season' message to type on on facebook to the team. I am looking forward to having a break, but at the same time I don't want to rest too long so that getting back in shape is too hard. That difficulty gets compounded with age.

I just want my fire back.

Powell

Just warming up to work today when my phone rang. I looked and saw it was Powell.

Uh-oh.

I wondered what it could be. Probably bad news. I picked up the phone anyway.

He said he was calling because the person he is supervising has a trial with TA, who I had in my trial, and he "just wanted to make sure I understood the Code", because "I am wrong". He began telling me about how a document TA gave them was wrong, which meant I was wrong. He repeated those words a few times. My blood was boiling and I felt like hanging up on him, but I remained civil and just said "ahuh" until he finished.

I went to Clare's room, closed the door and said "Powell is a fucking cunt!"

I told her, and she said he was weird as well. She obviously told Moira after, because Moira came into my room. She talked to me about him, called him a gargoyle, and I think it was her way of comforting me, which I appreciated.

I really wanted to talk to Genie but she was in court. I waited till she came back and then asked her out for a walk, and I repeated the cunt label. She suggested I look back at the history of that document, because it may not have even been done by me. Good idea, so I did. Apparently the one I had sent TA was correct, but the one he sent back to me had the error which I didn't pick up.

I thought about it in a calmer manner in the afternoon, and realised what a malicious little shit Powell was. He immediately assumed it was me who committed the error, and was eager to pounce on it. What the fuck does another branch matter to him? I felt like punching him.

After work I met with Jim and we ate at Market City. I made small talk at first by asking him about his Ayers Rock trip, but then we got to the meat of our conversation - Bo. He showed me Bo's "ultimatum" to him, which required Jim to apologise to Bo's girlfriend for disrespecting her. What the fuck indeed...

We talked for a while before going to plush toy shops to look for presents he had to get, until finally we went to one I suggested and he bought some things there. The girl who worked there was crazy cheerful. Looking at the toys and the prices, I realised this was a good place to get something for Erica. I thought I might have to if that damn jewellery thing didn't arrive, but when I got home, the delivery slip was on my desk. So it wasn't a ripoff afterall.

PS3!

On Monday I went to lunch with Genie and Maria at Seabay. Somehow we had gotten onto the topic of relationships, and Maria seemed really interested in that aspect of my life. When I asked her, she said "it's complicated". There was a pause as I decided whether to go further, and I asked her what that meant, and she said she was seeing someone. To my surprise, my disappointment level was like 1%. I knew I had Erica (for now anyway - whatever it was that we had).

I was however disappointed in her being the type of person who would be in something just for the sake of it. Guess all girls are the same.

On Tuesday I went to our team lunch for Ogre's farewell. Luckily, Nunjo didn't come because she was upset with something work related. I had heard her talking sternly on her phone, and then some commotion between her and Mary as she explained her heated up conversation with someone, presumably a defence lawyer. I felt good, both about her being upset and not coming.

The lunch was great, we went to this restaurant in Darling Harbour, which was really nice, and there was heaps of food. I knew it was going to be expensive when I noticed the waiter and waitress kept coming over to re-fill our water, but I didn't know it'd be $55 expensive. Hmmm. And worse, we had to take away our leftovers and give them to Nunjo. There were two bags, and needless to say I didn't want anything to do with them, but I saw Clare took one and no one else took action for the other, so I took it, and walked back with it talking to Clare.

One thing that has started to annoy me about Clare is how gossipy she can be, especially about Genie, who she knows is my friend. She asked if it was Genie who suggested the picnic in the park for our branch Christmas lunch (suggesting it was cheap), and I said I didn't know, which was the truth, but that if I had to guess then yeah, because I can't think of anyone else who'd make that suggestion.

When we got back to the office, I was still holding the unwanted bag. I figured I'd just dump it on her desk along with the others, but Clare thankfully offered to take it off me. She must know, and yet hasn't spoken to me about it. I'm sure she's on Nunjo's side, only because she's a girl.

On Thursday I had court for a sentence. I felt bad because she was basically sentenced on the basis that it was an "accidental importation", which there is no such thing. However, I didn't want this to turn into a trial. It took a whole day after waiting and all that, and got adjourned to the next day for judgment. It was the next day that I realised one flaw I had missed from my 'omission' - people may use this as a precedent. She got a fairly light sentence, actually will be released next month, so hmmm.

Anyway, on Friday after judgment I went to the branch lunch for Ogre's farewell (yes, it's been an expensive week). I got there a bit late and there wasn't a seat for me, but someone pointed me to a seat on the corner of the table between Mary and Steve, so I sat there after ordering, and then Maire waved me over to a free seat next to her so I moved because it was too cramped.

I may have said one stupid thing - I asked Junar how her affidavit was going, not realised she probably didn't know Clare told me. I'm sure Clare would've gotten annoyed with that as well. It became a bit awkward at the end when Fiona turned up with her baby and everyone rushed over goo-ing and ga-ing over it.

At the end of the day I went to give Ogre a hug. It was kinda strange, because I felt like I didn't really care that she was leaving, yet I remembered some good times together where we felt close.

After work I was going to go pick up my PS3 but they never messaged me so I went to the gym instead. I went to pick it up on Saturday morning and got it set up and played Street Fighter which Thai lent me when I met him and Malay on Thursday night. It is awesome! I then went out to get NBA 2K13 and it is even more awesome!! I feel like I don't need to leave the house anymore!!!

Why I can never go back to the casino

On Friday after work I went to the wharf near the casino and sat on the edge for a while, just thinking. I eventually got up and ended up in the casino. I wondered if this was my subconscious plan the whole time. I didn't have my credit card, but I had my $150 spending money for the week.

I traded in $100 for $25 chips. I played columns and colour, trying to win $25 like I had the day before. I lost it rather quickly. Losing $100 created a feeling of regret, maybe a touch of resentment, and suddenly my "chase loss" urge turned up 1000 notches. But there wasn't much I could do - I mean, I guess I could've withdrawn the $400 from my bank account, but I reasoned with myself that I needed a bankroll of $1000 to maximise my chances.

I left, and walked back to the main part of the city. I had a few options:

1. Go straight home, get your credit card, and come back.
2. Go to the office, get changed, go to the gym, go home, get credit card and come back.
3. Do (2) above, but stay home and wait to come back tomorrow (which was my original plan anyway).

I went with 2. I found that as I walked further and further away from the casino, and closer and closer to my office and gym, the feeling of "chase loss" dispersed. I guess being out of the vicinity calmed it down. It's like walking away from a fight.

Leaving the office, I saw a really nice car coming out from the car park. Not only that, I saw a woman at the bar just staring intently at it. It made me think about the power of money. I went to the gym and did my thing. Knowing that I'd go gambling afterwards actually made me do things faster, and a bit harder.

I then went home, got changed, picked up my credit card and left. My goal was to win $1,000. I know it was high, but it was my goal. Even then, I am not really sure what that would do, given my recent purchase of a PS3 for $300 and the jewellery piece I want to buy for Erica for $200. I also wanted to do an all-nighter at the casino, just to see how much I could win.

Let me side track here for a moment. In texting  Erica about two weeks ago, when asking her to choose lotto numbers, I joked that if I won then we'd marry. She went offline for what seemed like a long time before coming back and joking she wanted $700m instead of $70m (the lotto prize).

During those moments when she didn't reply, I wondered if I had gone too serious. Apparently not.

Also, a few days ago, I noticed she changed her profile picture to one I had taken at library guy's bbq.

Shit, she must think that's my house.

So I went online in the morning at work (which I never do so she doesn't bother me at work) and told her it was my friend's house. I think she understood it.

The other thing is, I was texting her on Friday night on the way home from gym, and she was typing Korean, which I was using an app to translate. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied in Korean. I went to the app and it said "working...", so I joked for her to stop work and come back. She said she had no money.

Then it struck me - the translation wasn't "working..." - that was the app's message to say the translation was in progress! God I'm an idiot.

Alright, now back to gambling.

I got to the casino, and knew I was breaking one of my rules - never go on a Friday night. I was surprised to see a table with only one man playing, and I went there. After buying up $500 worth of chips, I suddenly realised my mistakes:

1. The dealer was that Polish looking lady who I had previously lost $500 on. She is real bad luck.
2. I was sitting right next to the restaurant, so there goes my attempt at trying to hide myself on a Friday night.

I in fact did see someone I knew - that Arab referee from the St Leonard's comp a while ago. Luckily he didn't approach.

Anyway, with (1), it was just as predicted - she wasn't spinning into my sector at all! I was losing bad, and was actually down to my last $200 in chips when I thought "hold on a minute, if she never hits my sector, why not just bet on the rest of the wheel?"

So I did this which kept me in the game.

An Asian girl arrived at the table and sat on the end playing by herself. I wondered if she was a prostitute. She only bet on outside and two inside numbers. I kept looking over at her to see if she'd make eye contact. She didn't. She wasn't good looking, but every time I wasn't looking at her, I seemed to forget that she wasn't that good looking.

The lady dealer eventually changed, and a young happy looking chap took her place. This guy's spin was a bit more even, but it still wasn't too good. Somehow, I had managed to claw my way back. I was now up $700. But I was tired...very tired. I hadn't eaten, so I was hungry, and wearing my glasses made my eyes work too hard.

I was conscious that everything in the casino was designed to break you down. When you're broken, it's much easier to let the cash flow out of your wallet. And I felt it - I felt like I was being broken down, by the music, by the lights, by the whole atmosphere. But I was determined to keep my head. At one point I kept rubbing my eyes some guy asked me if I was ok.

$300 more to go I told myself.

But then I started losing, and cashed out with $500 gain.

I went to another table with a tall, pale dealer. He didn't look like the type I wanted to play with, but I played anyway. He was so bad for me, I lost $500 fairly quickly compared to earlier. It was now midnight, and I was really fucking tired.

I changed tables again, to an Asian dealer who was quite a funny guy. I was losing here too, and quite a few times I was on the break even point, and told myself to leave, because it'd be better to break even than to come out with nothing. But no, I had decided fairly firmly I was going to leave with a gain, including the $100 I had lost earlier in the day.

By now, I had also started to feel guilty. I was thinking of Erica. I kept asking myself, how was I being responsible if I was just throwing money away like this when she needed money? If we lived together, would I still be doing this? I almost pretended we were living together and that this was our rent money.

But it didn't stop me. It didn't stop me at the $1000 break even point, and it didn't stop me when I threw in my last $500 chip.

I was down to my last $200 twice. You know what a shit feeling it is to anticipate walking away with nothing after being up $700?

Luckily - very luckily - on both occasions it landed on my sector, which netted some good returns for a come back. In the end I left the table up $300.

It was like 1am by now, and I went to the cashier with my $1,300. I lined up second, and it was a young white man who served me. I gave him the nod as I placed the chips in front of him. It consisted of one $500 chip and the rest were $100 chips.

He started counting $100 notes for me. Usually when they lay them down onto the mat, I keep count to make sure I'm not short-changed. This occasion was no different, however, a combination of my fatigue and him counting too fast made me lose track, but it did occur to me that maybe, maybe, it seemed more than $1,300.

He laid out all the notes, I swiped them up and put them in my wallet. I was planning to go to the toilet and on my way I started counting the notes in my wallet. I wasn't too sure, but it seemed like it was $1,800 instead of $1,300. I decided to get out of the casino asap and so didn't go to the toilet. I went to the taxi rank, got a cab and left.

Inside the taxi, I did a count again. It was $1,800. He had given me an extra $500.

I almost couldn't believe it. I felt like I was in the movie 21 after they were busted. I knew I couldn't go back. It's possible that $500 may not mean much to them and they were willing to let it go, but I didn't want to take the risk. I had taken the casino's money. They probably had face recognition software. It was too big of a risk.

Maybe it was a sign for me to never gamble again anyway. I do feel bad, but I guess I can't complain. If ever asked, I will just say I didn't realise until I left. Or maybe I never realised at all. The people who go to the casino aren't exactly sober.

And so, hopefully, that is how my gambling career ends. I feel like I "broke the bank of Monte Carlo", but I didn't exactly do it by playing the games (although that first round of roulette was awesome to have last so long and to be up $700) and it really was through a mistake. Nevertheless, the feeling is still there.

So now my PS3 and the jewellery will be covered, with a bit of spare change. I gave my parents $50 for yum cha.

Saturday
I went to the bank in Chinatown at 12:30pm to deposit my money. The bank was closing at 1pm, so I was good. But to my surprise, there was a huge line that stretched out onto the street. I lined up and couldn't see anything special. One would've thought that maybe they were handing out money.

Soon after I arrived, an Asian guy got behind me, and then two other ladies arrived separately. One was an Aboriginal looking woman who was fairly talkative. One was an European looking woman who looked like she was in a bit of panic. The two women talked, and apparently the European woman had lost her card and needed to withdraw some cash.

She kept trying to nudge forward in line, until the Aboriginal woman said out loud, but politely, the order of the line.

Once we got into the proper queue within the confines of the bank, the Aboriginal lady said to me "after you" as she had taken position in front of the European lady. I thought that was really nice of her, but I probably wouldn't have minded to let the other lady go first since her thing was more urgent than mine.

I deposited my cash and then went to Market City for lunch.

At night, I went to the courts in Auburn where I met with One, Alex Z and Richard for training. It was a poor turn out, very disappointing, but we made the best of it doing drills and playing a bit of pick up. Can't believe how long it's been since I last played half court.

It was good that One said he liked it because it was almost continuous running for two hours.

The need to be liked

Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Maybe it was that moment today when you realised DS did a complete backflip by suggesting you send a letter to the cops saying you weren't going to do anything despite having had the matter for more than a year.

Or maybe, it was just what happened yesterday.

But I had a headache the whole day. What happened yesterday had left me uneasy. I'm not sure if Nick getting pissed at me for taking him off at the last moment was worse, or if Mike ignoring me was worse. In the back of my mind, I was trying to sort things out. To rationalise things.

Part of me wanted to throw in the towel. If they think they can do a better job, they can do it. I'd step away as captain and just be 'another player'. I'd had enough of this. Why is basketball giving me stress? Why are they giving me the shits? I felt like doing this:

But part of me was trying to fight back, to be a better captain. That part of me made me book a court for Saturday training - rather early to do it on a Monday, but I was motivated.

At lunch I went for an angry jog, thinking about these things.

I left work at 4:45pm because of my headache, and also figured I could try to get to the gym early instead of late to get my stuff done. It worked - the place was still busy, but I found an area for abs, then went down for the bike.

As I left and walked through that small mall, I wondered how Kobe would deal with this. Surely he wouldn't give in. He'd probably insist he was right - which is what I should do.

Nick should have been taken off in garbage time.

Mike should have been punished for playing before our game.

I have to remember that what I did was right, instead of giving in to things just because people don't like it.

And, so what if you are not liked? Is it really the end of the world? A lot of people aren't liked and who know it. Think about celebrities, who are criticised basically for anything they do. You think it's a nice feeling for them? No, but they learn to deal with it. So maybe this is just one stage of your life you need to learn to deal with, instead of just throwing the towel in.

"It's a good problem to have"

On Friday, it was Ray's farewell even though he wasn't retiring until Thursday. As expected, he gave some not-so-PG and not-so-R-rated stories of his time here. I thought it was a real shame that 27 years of knowledge and experience was walking out the door. He mentioned people, mainly his peers. I wondered if he'd mention me, but didn't think he would given how he had so many other important people to mention. But when he joked about coming in late, he was like "I might come in late, but who closes up? And don't say [insert name here]!"

Haha, so he did mention me!

After work I met up with Thai, Malay and Brain for dinner.

On Saturday I went to library guy's house warming slash baby shower slash birthday.

Yesterday we played J Turkey, who despite their appearance, is a pretty good team. A rarity for us was we had a full team - 11 players. How do you manage 11 players? Well, it was easy to strike Mike out because he had played a game for someone else right before ours, so that was his punishment.

I tried my best to balance it, to the cost of Bert and Alex Z, who were the more 'tolerant' players. Nick and Richard got the most court time. Even I only played four minutes in the second half because I gave my PT to Bert. Yet despite all that, when I put Bo on for Nick in the last 40 seconds, Nick still got the shits, as he yelled out "we have too many fucking players on this team".

I know you can't please everybody, but how can someone not see that taking the last 40 seconds off is insignificant?

Afterwards Mike ignored me. I went to eat with Jim and vented to him. I am getting the shits myself with people gettiing shitty. They can complain, but no one wants to put their hand up to do the job.

Now I have to think of a way to manage this.

This morning as I was walking to the bathroom, I was loading up Ani Pang, and thought it'd be funny if I received a message from Erica. Despite our last chat being on Thursday, it felt like a message was due now.

And there was - even if it was only one sent by her through a game she plays.