Why I can never go back to the casino

On Friday after work I went to the wharf near the casino and sat on the edge for a while, just thinking. I eventually got up and ended up in the casino. I wondered if this was my subconscious plan the whole time. I didn't have my credit card, but I had my $150 spending money for the week.

I traded in $100 for $25 chips. I played columns and colour, trying to win $25 like I had the day before. I lost it rather quickly. Losing $100 created a feeling of regret, maybe a touch of resentment, and suddenly my "chase loss" urge turned up 1000 notches. But there wasn't much I could do - I mean, I guess I could've withdrawn the $400 from my bank account, but I reasoned with myself that I needed a bankroll of $1000 to maximise my chances.

I left, and walked back to the main part of the city. I had a few options:

1. Go straight home, get your credit card, and come back.
2. Go to the office, get changed, go to the gym, go home, get credit card and come back.
3. Do (2) above, but stay home and wait to come back tomorrow (which was my original plan anyway).

I went with 2. I found that as I walked further and further away from the casino, and closer and closer to my office and gym, the feeling of "chase loss" dispersed. I guess being out of the vicinity calmed it down. It's like walking away from a fight.

Leaving the office, I saw a really nice car coming out from the car park. Not only that, I saw a woman at the bar just staring intently at it. It made me think about the power of money. I went to the gym and did my thing. Knowing that I'd go gambling afterwards actually made me do things faster, and a bit harder.

I then went home, got changed, picked up my credit card and left. My goal was to win $1,000. I know it was high, but it was my goal. Even then, I am not really sure what that would do, given my recent purchase of a PS3 for $300 and the jewellery piece I want to buy for Erica for $200. I also wanted to do an all-nighter at the casino, just to see how much I could win.

Let me side track here for a moment. In texting  Erica about two weeks ago, when asking her to choose lotto numbers, I joked that if I won then we'd marry. She went offline for what seemed like a long time before coming back and joking she wanted $700m instead of $70m (the lotto prize).

During those moments when she didn't reply, I wondered if I had gone too serious. Apparently not.

Also, a few days ago, I noticed she changed her profile picture to one I had taken at library guy's bbq.

Shit, she must think that's my house.

So I went online in the morning at work (which I never do so she doesn't bother me at work) and told her it was my friend's house. I think she understood it.

The other thing is, I was texting her on Friday night on the way home from gym, and she was typing Korean, which I was using an app to translate. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied in Korean. I went to the app and it said "working...", so I joked for her to stop work and come back. She said she had no money.

Then it struck me - the translation wasn't "working..." - that was the app's message to say the translation was in progress! God I'm an idiot.

Alright, now back to gambling.

I got to the casino, and knew I was breaking one of my rules - never go on a Friday night. I was surprised to see a table with only one man playing, and I went there. After buying up $500 worth of chips, I suddenly realised my mistakes:

1. The dealer was that Polish looking lady who I had previously lost $500 on. She is real bad luck.
2. I was sitting right next to the restaurant, so there goes my attempt at trying to hide myself on a Friday night.

I in fact did see someone I knew - that Arab referee from the St Leonard's comp a while ago. Luckily he didn't approach.

Anyway, with (1), it was just as predicted - she wasn't spinning into my sector at all! I was losing bad, and was actually down to my last $200 in chips when I thought "hold on a minute, if she never hits my sector, why not just bet on the rest of the wheel?"

So I did this which kept me in the game.

An Asian girl arrived at the table and sat on the end playing by herself. I wondered if she was a prostitute. She only bet on outside and two inside numbers. I kept looking over at her to see if she'd make eye contact. She didn't. She wasn't good looking, but every time I wasn't looking at her, I seemed to forget that she wasn't that good looking.

The lady dealer eventually changed, and a young happy looking chap took her place. This guy's spin was a bit more even, but it still wasn't too good. Somehow, I had managed to claw my way back. I was now up $700. But I was tired...very tired. I hadn't eaten, so I was hungry, and wearing my glasses made my eyes work too hard.

I was conscious that everything in the casino was designed to break you down. When you're broken, it's much easier to let the cash flow out of your wallet. And I felt it - I felt like I was being broken down, by the music, by the lights, by the whole atmosphere. But I was determined to keep my head. At one point I kept rubbing my eyes some guy asked me if I was ok.

$300 more to go I told myself.

But then I started losing, and cashed out with $500 gain.

I went to another table with a tall, pale dealer. He didn't look like the type I wanted to play with, but I played anyway. He was so bad for me, I lost $500 fairly quickly compared to earlier. It was now midnight, and I was really fucking tired.

I changed tables again, to an Asian dealer who was quite a funny guy. I was losing here too, and quite a few times I was on the break even point, and told myself to leave, because it'd be better to break even than to come out with nothing. But no, I had decided fairly firmly I was going to leave with a gain, including the $100 I had lost earlier in the day.

By now, I had also started to feel guilty. I was thinking of Erica. I kept asking myself, how was I being responsible if I was just throwing money away like this when she needed money? If we lived together, would I still be doing this? I almost pretended we were living together and that this was our rent money.

But it didn't stop me. It didn't stop me at the $1000 break even point, and it didn't stop me when I threw in my last $500 chip.

I was down to my last $200 twice. You know what a shit feeling it is to anticipate walking away with nothing after being up $700?

Luckily - very luckily - on both occasions it landed on my sector, which netted some good returns for a come back. In the end I left the table up $300.

It was like 1am by now, and I went to the cashier with my $1,300. I lined up second, and it was a young white man who served me. I gave him the nod as I placed the chips in front of him. It consisted of one $500 chip and the rest were $100 chips.

He started counting $100 notes for me. Usually when they lay them down onto the mat, I keep count to make sure I'm not short-changed. This occasion was no different, however, a combination of my fatigue and him counting too fast made me lose track, but it did occur to me that maybe, maybe, it seemed more than $1,300.

He laid out all the notes, I swiped them up and put them in my wallet. I was planning to go to the toilet and on my way I started counting the notes in my wallet. I wasn't too sure, but it seemed like it was $1,800 instead of $1,300. I decided to get out of the casino asap and so didn't go to the toilet. I went to the taxi rank, got a cab and left.

Inside the taxi, I did a count again. It was $1,800. He had given me an extra $500.

I almost couldn't believe it. I felt like I was in the movie 21 after they were busted. I knew I couldn't go back. It's possible that $500 may not mean much to them and they were willing to let it go, but I didn't want to take the risk. I had taken the casino's money. They probably had face recognition software. It was too big of a risk.

Maybe it was a sign for me to never gamble again anyway. I do feel bad, but I guess I can't complain. If ever asked, I will just say I didn't realise until I left. Or maybe I never realised at all. The people who go to the casino aren't exactly sober.

And so, hopefully, that is how my gambling career ends. I feel like I "broke the bank of Monte Carlo", but I didn't exactly do it by playing the games (although that first round of roulette was awesome to have last so long and to be up $700) and it really was through a mistake. Nevertheless, the feeling is still there.

So now my PS3 and the jewellery will be covered, with a bit of spare change. I gave my parents $50 for yum cha.

Saturday
I went to the bank in Chinatown at 12:30pm to deposit my money. The bank was closing at 1pm, so I was good. But to my surprise, there was a huge line that stretched out onto the street. I lined up and couldn't see anything special. One would've thought that maybe they were handing out money.

Soon after I arrived, an Asian guy got behind me, and then two other ladies arrived separately. One was an Aboriginal looking woman who was fairly talkative. One was an European looking woman who looked like she was in a bit of panic. The two women talked, and apparently the European woman had lost her card and needed to withdraw some cash.

She kept trying to nudge forward in line, until the Aboriginal woman said out loud, but politely, the order of the line.

Once we got into the proper queue within the confines of the bank, the Aboriginal lady said to me "after you" as she had taken position in front of the European lady. I thought that was really nice of her, but I probably wouldn't have minded to let the other lady go first since her thing was more urgent than mine.

I deposited my cash and then went to Market City for lunch.

At night, I went to the courts in Auburn where I met with One, Alex Z and Richard for training. It was a poor turn out, very disappointing, but we made the best of it doing drills and playing a bit of pick up. Can't believe how long it's been since I last played half court.

It was good that One said he liked it because it was almost continuous running for two hours.