Pretty sure Julie isn't interested...

Guessing she'd be on night shift last night, I went to the casino in my Harvey Specter outfit.

When I got there, I eagerly walked around the tables and saw her in the far away pod. She was standing at the computer used by supervisors to check surveillance. A supervisor was talking to her. I decided not to approach. I sat down at a table nearby and played, glancing over from time to time.

For a moment I wondered if she was in a new role where she was to stand there and try to sell membership or something. But her supervisor was speaking to her for way too long. I wondered if she was in trouble.

There was a dealer change to a blonde lady called Leila or something. I was down at first but then later was up by $500. Julie finally left the computer and started a shift at the pod next to mine. As she walked towards me she looked at me and smiled, and I gave a weak wave and a smile back.

I stayed at my table. There were a few guys playing at her table, and I figured I'd wait until they left. I looked over at one point, we made eye contact and we both broke into a laugh. Her face started with a laugh, but then it changed to a "what are you laughing at" type of protest. It was kinda cute. I tried not to look over anymore, but did one more time and we laughed again.

Eventually I cashed in and walked around the tables in the opposite direction, not wanting to seem too desperate. I realised this was also a good way to see if she would look for me. As I got closer from behind, I did see her turn around and look around, though not sure if she was looking for me.

I went around to her table, leaned in and said "konnichi wa". She smiled, and I put down my $1000 chip for some colour. I sat down and asked her how she was today. She said she was tired. I asked her what time she started, and she said 8. I raised an eyebrow, turned around to the clock which displayed 8:35pm, and turned back around to her, asking "8 am?" and she said "8 pm", but that she couldn't sleep. I asked why, and she said it was too hot. I asked if she had been to the beach and she asked if she looked like she had been to the beach, implying she wasn't tanned.

I played colours/columns and lost badly with her. I told her the story of the guy I saw who would bet 2, 4, 6 every spin and then when he changed it, it landed on 4. She did seem interested in hearing the story, and asked who the dealer was. When I said it was a short Asian guy, she asked if it was Kevin, and I said no, it was a guy who normally did baccarat. But when I added "see, tell me it's not rigged" she didn't seem too responsive, almost as if I was one of the crazy conspirators who believed the game was rigged.

After one loss on colours/columns, I said "have I told you how amazing you look today?" and she was like "what?" so I repeated it, and she said "what" again. I said I was complimenting her to see if I could get her to hit my numbers. She said "we'll see" and then hit zero when I had bet red/middle column. Hmmm.

I asked her how life was treating her, trying to see if she'd touch on something that might explain why she deleted her facebook for a night, but she just said "alright...just working that's all".

I told her I had an interview on Tuesday, and she seemed a bit confused. I reminded her of my bar proposal next year, and she still seemed confused, so finally I said "yeah, remember I was going to be a bartender?" and she cracked a smile. I then explained to her the bar thing and how barristers wear a wig and gown, and then she remembered. I said "yeah thanks for wishing me good luck" just as she said "good luck" which made her add "I just said it". I guess I was being way too sensitive and too quick to react.

At one point after some silence, she dropped some chips into the hole but not all of them hit, with some missing the hole and bouncing around. She looked at me and laughed, and said once she did that with a whole pile. I playfully pumped my fist and said "going hard for that promotion I see" and she laughed.

At another point, someone won a corner bet with two $5 chips. The winner asked for $10 chips, and Julie paused for a moment to do the calculation. She then asked me if it was eight chips for the pay out. I thought about it and then just as I said yes, she paid out eight chips in a "yeah whatever" way. I wonder why she asked me? Am I the person she trusts?

I did notice she had hit 0-3 a few times in a row and then finally decided to smash it. It landed on 5 where I got 85 chips back, and was now up by about $200.

Later on there was a dealer change. She looked at me and smiled and I said "chaga". The new dealer was a talkative guy called Merlin, but his other badge said Les.  I decided to wait until Julie came back and see if she'd turn around to look at me.

I was losing with Merlin as he hit the 0-3 sector a bit too many times. When Julie came back to a table diagonally opposite me and with her back to me, I would look over occasionally. She did turn around to look at me and we laughed.

Later on she had to call for the supervisor near my side, but he couldn't hear her so she waited. She looked at me and we laughed, but not to the same extent as before.

Merlin was killing me, and I had almost lost all my chips when it hit 24 and I got 510 chips back. I cashed in, spotting a chance with Julie as there were only a couple of Chinese women at her table not really playing.

I walked around, leaning in and said "one more compliment before I go, I really like your piercings", pointing to my ear, indicating her ear clips. She said thanks and I walked off with a loss of $1200.

Big week / Summer

I can't believe I got through that week, and am so glad it's over.

On Tuesday I had my hearing (as mentioned earlier). Spent a good half of the day cross-examining the main target, picked out a few lies for which we'll save for later. I did feel sorry for her, however, since I could empathise with her. She was so lonely she started meeting people on dating sites and doing drugs with them. Not good when one of those is a bikie. When I asked if there were better ways to make friends, she said "when you have nothing, you'll take anything".

I was in a hypocritically similar situation. I have realised that now that I don't hang around my high school friends as much (Malay, Thai and Scope playing PS4, and Shuing always starts arguments), I am using the casino as a social venue. Probably not the best place to make friends.

The witness had her downfall caused by loneliness, and I wondered if the same would happen to me. I often wonder how life would be different had I settled down with a girl and had a family by now?

After work I went to the casino, hoping for Julie. I didn't see her, but did win $400.

On Wednesday I went to court with Rob to apply for a SW, and also spent the day finishing off the memo to the boss due before the hearing resumed on Friday. Immediately after work I went to bball, which was a bit disappointing because many guys didn't show up, so it was just me, Mike, Mark and Kevin plus a random who was really shit.

I somehow managed to get home rather quickly, have a shower and changed, and then went out to the casino thinking Julie might be on night shift. She wasn't. It was quite crowded for a Wednesday night. I played at the table facing the entrance, and after a while that Irish guy who shares the idea with me to never play alone at a table came and sat down next to me.

We greeted each other and I complained to him about the woman who had just left, about her squeezing up too close to me when there was plenty of room as there was only two of us. The dealer was a small Caucasian guy who looked a bit like that light bulb guy from X-Men.

The Irish guy and I talked about we thought the game was rigged, and he mentioned that when there is a big player at a table surrounded by little players, it always seems like the big player loses and the others win. I also mentioned about not chasing losses, and he agreed but also acknowledged that we have all fallen for that.

He won a couple of spins then lost and changed tables. I was down a bit before a couple of big wins brought me back up by $280 so I left. I walked around and saw the Irish guy was now at the $25 table, presumably chasing losses, and playing by himself. Hmmm.

On Thursday I tried to prepare for the remainder of the hearing on Friday, but it was kinda hard as we had a training session at lunch time. It was useful, but definitely could've used the hour to prep for the hearing.

After work I went to the casino, sure that I would see Julie. She wasn't there.

I decided to just try to win $100 and leave, using $100 chips to play colour/column. I drew on the first bet and lost on the second.

Motherfucker.

I then switched to playing sectors and eventually lost all my $1900. I was playing alone at the table. I think it really affected me because I could feel my head sweating like crazy. I even had to try to discreetly wipe off my sweat at times.

Then I went to the ATM and withdrew whatever I had left, being $1000. I returned, and played alone at a table again. I managed to make about $900 back but kept playing, thinking I could make it all back. The dealer was a nice enough guy, but he spun up 0-3 about three times then changed shifts. I figured the new dealer wouldn't be able to keep that up, but HE FUCKING SPUN 0-3 THREE MORE TIMES!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???

Well that killed me, and I left feeling like shit, having lost $2900. I told myself that I'd have to make it back slowly. That was definitely possible, as my record shows it doesn't take that long to make back $2900. But then again, I always tell myself, you can't expect a repeat of the past because of how unpredictable the game is.

It also made me question whether I was going there for Julie, or was it an excuse to gamble? If I don't have anymore money, I can't see Julie. Understand that.

Yesterday I went to the casino after work, even though I don't usually go on Fridays. My hearing went a bit bad with the witness denying and not remembering, which always makes me feel like I did a shit job. I was so tired I spent the rest of the day doing nothing.

I didn't see Julie at the casino. I looked around for a table with one or two players playing, and found an ideal table at the end where one guy was sitting at the end corner of the table. When I got there, I realised he had been very chatty with the dealer Karen. I bought in $800. The guy turned out to be chatty with me, and I noticed he was drinking so was probably just a friendly drunk. Later he introduced himself as Steve.

I lost my first $800 and had to use my remaining $1200. I eventually got back up to $2000 by doing $400 bets on 1-2. There was quite a jolly conversation going on mainly between Steve and Karen, with me interjecting every now and then. Steve blatantly asked her out, saying he'd buy her a drink after her shift. It really made me think - I had been obsessing and fearing doing it with Julie, but here this guy was doing it like nothing, with the supervisor nearby. Granted, he was drunk and middle aged so he had more confidence, but dayum.

Not that Karen said yes. It didn't even seem obvious that she ignored it, but conversation just carried on naturally. I realised I was too sensitive and should act like I didn't care like Steve, or act like it wasn't such a big deal.

 Steve was having quite a bit of luck. He would randomly bet corners and would win more often than not. I wasn't doing too bad either, by the end of Karen's shift, I was up $700. When there was a dealer change to Kris, Steve kept talking. At one point he asked if the chips were worth $25 each, and I was like "man, you been playing all this time thinking they were $25 each?" and I shared a look with Kris.

I was only playing colours/column but started noticing Kris wasn't hitting the 0-3 sector AT ALL. I placed the minimum bet on 1-2 every now and then and won twice, but lost after he finally hit 0-3. During that streak, I even told Kris. He had gone at least 11 spins without hitting 0-3. Unbelievable. Imagine if I had smashed it on all those.

Despite his drunkenness, Steve had the sense to cash out, saying he wanted to get something to eat. I believed him, and thought about joining him. He definitely wouldn't have minded, as throughout the whole time he kept offering to buy me a drink. He worked with oil or something, doing fly in and fly out type of thing. Seemed like a nice enough guy, but then I didn't really want to talk to a drunk. He had mentioned TEN and a bit about the stock market, so that was the only reason I even considered it.

I cashed out soon after he left and hovered around the roulette tables. I was up $800 and wanted to round it off to $1000. I kept walking around the tables looking for the right numbers, and was probably lucky because I managed to avoid a lot that I would've lost on had I bet black/3rd.

Part of me also wanted to talk to that Chinese girl Summer. Whilst I was at Kris' table, she had been at the next table, and as I was looking at the display board, she probably thought I had been looking at her. At times I were, but mostly not. At one point I thought she shot me a death stare because she thought I kept looking at her.

Anyway, I stood at her table for a bit looking at numbers, then walked away. I thought I saw her look my way when I was far away, but maybe not. I returned to her table and finally bet black/3rd, and drew. I won $100 on another table, and then returned to her table.

I had somehow started talking to that Phillipino looking lady. This was probably the longest chat I've had with her ever. We talked about sections and how the casino seemed to rig it. She agreed to never play alone at a table. She also saw what I was doing with my colour/column strategy. She mentioned she had lost a few thousand and after that her section came up three times in a row. I told her I lost $3000 the night before and managed to win back $1000 now.

I went to Summer's table and bet bet/3rd. It landed on 6. The Phillipino lady congratulated me. I started talking to Summer without playing. Although she had a defensive bitch face on before, she now seemed quite friendly. I realised perhaps she was nervous and thus defensive.

I broke the ice by just talking about numbers, asking what would come up next. She nervously shrugged, saying she didn't know. She mentioned she had only been here for about two months. I kinda knew that because I think she started at around the same time as Julie.

I asked why she wanted to be a dealer, and she said she didn't want an office job, and wanted a bit of excitement. I asked her if she enjoyed dealing roulette, and she said it was ok. I suggested she learn another game so she could get paid more, and she said the rule now is you have to wait about six to nine months before moving onto another game. Hmmm.

She also memtioned she didn't work weekends. She asked me if blackjack was the only game I played, before correcting herself. From this, it confirmed for me that she was indeed nervous, which was the reason for her defensive bitch face.

She asked if I worked in the city, I said yes and she said that was convenient. I mentioned something about it being very hot outside and having to wait until it cools down outside before I leave. She then had a shift change, and another guy replaced her. I talked to this dealer a bit, and he asked me how much I had won. I said $1000 and he said it wasn't that much. I explained to him that if I put $2000 in the bank it would take ages before it made $1000. I know $1000 "isn't that much" in a casino environment, but goddamn, how long does it take him to make $1000?

Anyway, I left with a $1210 gain, which went a long way to reducing the damage from the day before.

D'oh! Not her!

Just received a friend request!
My heart was beating rapidly and I was filled with excitement.

Only to see it was someone from Saturday basketball...

Hearing...

Man I am exhausted.

Got to work at 7:45am, after walking from home. Started prepping my questions, and the hearing started at 10am. The first witness went ok, but the second one was a blatant liar, denying everything and was a smart ass.

I felt so tired afterwards. The only thing I wanted to do was leave and go to the casino. I did that at 5pm, and was hoping to see Julie. She wasn't there. I think Tuesdays is her staple day off.

I decided to try to win $100 and leave. I bought four $100 chips and played colour/columns. I got very lucky on my first spin when I played red/middle column and it landed on 32. $300 instantly.

I knew I should've left, but I had only just gotten there. It didn't feel...complete. I held onto that for a long time, standing around watching. I didn't see anyone I recognised. Not even the Vietnamese MILF.

I mainly stood at Ruth's table staring at the numbers. Or maybe I was thinking of chatting her up. I finally started betting, and lost. I remarked "what a time to jump in". I started playing between tables, and got back to where I started plus $100.

When Ruth left for a break, a guy called Giovanna replaced her. I bet on his first spin, black/third column, and it landed on 6. I was now up $400. I wasn't letting this go, especially after coming close to losing.

I stood around and ended up talking to him. He revealed that dealers get paid depending on how many games they are trained at. So if a dealer only knows one game, even if they do that for five years they won't get a pay rise. I asked if they put up their hands to learn a new game, and he said the pit boss has to nominate you if they think you are good and good with dealing with customers.

He was a bit inquisitive as to what I did. At first I said paper pusher for a government agency, but he pressed a bit more and I thought, seeing that he gave me information, I told him I was in law, but didn't like telling people because they start asking me about their legal problems, and he said they he understands.

So I left with my gain, and that completes this month, with a total win of $3,620.

She's back!

I checked her fb this morning at work, and her profile was back!

Wonder what that was all about...

Possible explanation?

So last night and this morning I had been fretting over why she deleted her facebook account.

Did she somehow find out I had been looking?

Did I come up in her recommended friends, and from that she knew I had been looking?

Did I accidentally send her a friend request?

Did I accidentally 'like' something of hers?

I told myself that deleting your account because someone showed up on your recommended friends was a bit of an over reaction.

I told myself to have more confidence in myself - I did NOT add her or 'like' anything of hers.

She has a life of her own. She may have many reasons to delete her account, irrespective of you. Stop thinking the world revolves around you.

Then, moments earlier, it clicked. I remembered her telling me once that she hated Australia some years ago, and also that she had been thinking about going to Perth for a holiday, sounding as if she wanted to get away from things here.

So wouldn't it make complete sense that she deleted her account as a way to get away from everything, if she has that tendency or desire?

Yes, that is the most logical conclusion...

Will be interesting to see her next time...

Did she delete her fb account?

So while waiting for a video to finish uploading, I got bored and decided to look her up.

I got a facebook error message, saying "Sorry, this page isn't available. The link you followed may be broken, or the page may have been removed."

WTF!!!

Did she somehow find out that I had seen her profile???

On the edge...

Spent all day preparing for my hearing tomorrow. By the end of the day, I had about 20 pages of calls to read through, but I decided to go to the casino to see if Julie was there. If not, I'd do a quick black/column bet, win $100 and head back to the office to finish things off. If she was there, then...maybe ask her out?

I headed off and didn't see her anywhere. It made me think that maybe she was on night shift tonight. Or maybe she was on a day off?

I bought four black $100 chips and played colour/columns. I drew at first, and then when I bet red/middle column, it landed on 6. FFS I would've won $300 on that. I jumped from table to table for a bit, and lost $700. I got frustrated and bought in $800 worth of colour, deciding to smash it on 1-2 sector.

At one point I was close to losing everything, putting my last $400 out there. I got lucky and won three splits, returning $510. I waited for a 0-3 sector to appear and then bet again. By now a guy had come along looking to bet my sector. I recognised him because he covered almost the same numbers as me. I spoke to him a bit about the sectors but he didn't seem too interested.

He won and quickly left. I continued playing, and won big on 13 once and 24 once. I thought I had made my money back, exactly, and cashed out. Then I counted and realised I had made a $200 gain. I got the hell out of that.

I went back to the office and worked until 7:45pm. I still have more work to do early tomorrow morning...

Sometimes roulette can be just farrrrked...

Today I went into work and got some work done for about three hours. Maybe I just needed a lunch break, but I wasn't hungry and didn't feel like eating. I actually felt like crying actually. No particular reason why.

I also didn't feel like going to the casino but ended up going anyway, telling myself to win $200 and leave.

As usual, I did a scan for Julie and she wasn't around, which allowed me to focus. I sat at a table where there was a young Asian guy dealing, think his name was Daniel. An Indian regular was playing on this table and another table, so he plugged the holes for me when I wasn't betting.

I bet sectors at first and lost about $400, then managed to get myself back up to a gain of $400. Daniel started talking to me. I thought he was new but he said he normally does poker. I figured maybe I could extract some useful information from him, so we got a bit chatty. But at one point, his supervisor asked what was up and he was like "don't worry, we're not colluding". What the fuck man?

After the dealer change, it was a big man who was a regular and looked a bit grumpy. I played one spin and cashed out. I changed to the opposite table where there was a girl who looked kinda new. I felt like chatting her up a bit but ended up just sitting there and playing silently. Next to me was the old man who had been playing 0, 13 and 31 the previous day, but he didn't play for some reason, even though he had chips.

Soon, Daniel returned and I joked that he was following me. I guess I should've known he'd return, but I didn't even think about it. We got talking again, and I thought it was quite funny how at one point, I was the only one sitting at the table with chips, he spun the wheel, and I didn't even bet, yet there were about 6-7 people watching lol. I mean, shouldn't they be watching a game where people are actually betting?

I slowly grinded my way up to a $600 gain, hovering around $630 but lost a bit and then made it up. One old man had taken a seat at the edge, playing sporadically, but seemed to just enjoy passing the time. One Vietnamese guy who I had previously mistaken as the dude who got murdered was jumping between this table and another.

He would bet like 5-6 chips on three numbers, being 2, 4 and 6, each spin. He did this maybe 5-6 times and lost each time. Once or twice it landed next door. Anyway, on one spin he changed his bet to bet around the 29 number. As soon as I saw that, I thought "man, fuck, if this lands on 4 it's going to be so fucking funny".

It landed on 4!

The dealer felt bad. The old man made a disappointing sound. I was covering my mouth with my head down trying not to laugh. The Vietnamese guy was losing it, muttering loudly "mother fucker" a few times. Man, I was struggling not to laugh. He walked away, and I don't think he suspected anything.

After he walked away, the old man, dealer and I were all talking about it. I was like "man, I so saw that coming when he changed his bets" lol.

Later on there was a dealer change, and Daniel was replaced by Ruth, the chick with really thick glasses. She seemed to remember me. She asked the old man and I if we were ready to spin, and we were giggling like little girls because of what had happened earlier, and I said not to worry about us, and to pretend we were invisible. I later explained to her what had happened and she said it's always like that.

I cashed in soon after with my $600 gain. Pretty good, considering I was only after $200. This makes back my earlier loss of $2000 and now I've reached a month high total profit.

She's on nightshift / Lovesick

"Somewhere along the way, we're all running in the crazy race
Never thinking about the hearts we break
And as our hope starts fading away things are never gonna be the same
Cause when you're standing there all alone
Losing everything you've ever known 
You're staring at a different face things are never gonna be the same"
-- Never Be The Same, Jessica Mauboy

Yesterday I went to Saturday basketball, had a pretty great time. I was on a team with a girl against five guys, and thought we wouldn't have much of a chance. When it was close to the end, I hit a fluke three off the backboard to win it lol.

Then there was one team that was undefeated throughout the day. I was on the team that played them last. It was one of the few games where I got to play with all guys, so had a good chance of winning. We were down like 2-6 (up to 7) at first, then slowly caught up. It got to a tie game and then teams started trading baskets.

Finally we were up by one, then after a shot by the other team, I leaked and my team threw me the rebound, as I ran down the court for a fast break lay up. Although I'm known to miss easy lay ups, I made this one - I made the game winner! And defeated the undefeated team!!

I was so happy to ran around the court cheering with the guys on my team haha. Ah good times.

After that I went home, showered and changed and then caught a bus out to the city. I went into the office to get my gambling money as I had left it in the draw. I then headed off to the casino.

When I got there, I walked around all the roulette tables looking for Julie and didn't see her. Then I walked around the rest of the casino and still didn't see her. Hmmm. The casino just didn't seem the same without her. Memories of seeing her flashed through my mind. Every thing, the roulette tables, the lights, the settings, was all the same. But it wasn't. Because she wasn't there. The Jessica Mauboy song plays through my head repeatedly when I think about this.

I sat down at a table and started playing. There was one old lady playing a little bit at a time. There was later a dealer change to the woman named Yuan or something, the same one that had told me to be nice to Julie and had seen me talking to her without playing before.

When it landed on 23, the old lady said that was her number. After the next spin, I told her not to worry as it would come up again...and then it landed on 23 lol. It actually landed on 23 a few times, and I said, we keep talking about it but never bet on it.

After Yuan the dealer was changed to a guy named Greg, who was kinda chatty and pretty funny. A tall, older man also started playing. He would bet on 0, 13 and 31, stacking a handful of chips on each. Every time he lost, he'd make a frustrated noise. I thought, seriously? You're betting three numbers, what do you expect?

The supervisor was Sally, the Korean girl I had first fallen for at the casino. She seemed a bit like a distant memory now that I had met Julie. Before I started playing, when I stood near the table, she was looking at me. I don't know why. But after that she never looked at me again. She always seems to keep to herself or only talk to the dealers.

At one stage, I heard Greg say to Sally that there were new dealers over in poker.

Poker! That's one area I have never checked! Maybe Julie is in poker!

I thought about telling Greg that I wanted to go for a walk and leave my chips there. I then decided to just say I wanted to go to the bathroom. Why am I always so honest?

So I told him I was going to the toilet and said I'd leave my chips there. He joked that he'd bet for me lol. I walked over to the poker area and had a look. Nope, no Julie :(

I returned to the table, and shortly after I cashed out with a $400 win, which I had slowly grinded my way to. I ended up watching other tables for a long time. That old taller man had changed tables and I watched him play. Although he was losing at first, he started getting lucky as the dealer started hitting 10 and 31. I also saw another guy, a young Asian guy, lose $1500 on one spin. Fark.

I thought maybe Julie would start the 6pm shift, and left the casino at 5:30pm (after eating there and watching a Lakers v Spurs game) to maybe try to bump into her on her way to work. I didn't see her, but did get confirmation that they seem to get there about 30 minutes before as I saw another dealer walking to work.

I went home and started assembling the bathroom cabinet my parents bought from Ikea. It was a bit of fun and a lot of struggle. Ended up getting two blisters on my fingers and stopped halfway when it was too hard to screw things in with my blisters.

I wondered if Julie was on night shift, and so at about 10pm drove out to the casino. This time I was dressed in a variation of my Harvey Specter outfit hehe. I paid for a 30 minute parking ticket and went into the casino. Took a walk through the whole thing and didn't see her. There were heaps of people as expected.

After walking to the end where the poker tables are, I decided to go back to the roulette tables for a final check. I was really afraid that maybe she got fired and I'd never see her again. I started questioning whether she was really that bad of a dealer.

As I was walking around, I saw her. She was at one of the tables that aren't usually opened. I stood at the end of the table behind hers, kinda in between that and her table. As usual, after she'd call no more bets, she'd lean against the wheel and look away. If she looked just a bit more to her right she'd see me.

There were a few guys playing at her table. I thought I shouldn't talk to her. Just seeing her made me content. I stood around pretending to watch my table for a while longer. Later on I noticed everyone left her table after losing. She leaned against the wheel and I think she saw me. I could see from the corner of my eye that she seemed to be facing me, though I didn't look to confirm it.

I then gave in. I walked over and said "I'm the money". She obviously didn't get it, and her supervisor, the Indian guy, didn't get it, with both giving me confused looks. FML.

I bought $400 worth of chips. Her supervisor asked her to ask me if I had a card and I shook my head. He said something to her and she said "no, I know him". My guess would be that he told her to always ask a customer for their members card.

I was expecting maybe a "what are you doing here so late" or "what are you doing here on a Saturday night" but got nothing. I asked if she watched the news and she said yes. That was a good sign. I asked if she saw me on tv and she had a really interested look on her face, saying no. I told her I was in the background and she chuckled a bit. I then joked "I was yeling out 'Julie! Julie! Spin me a zero Julie!'" and she said "why would you say that?" lol. I think maybe she said that to see what my intentions were?

I decided not to bring up the facebook or her job hunting thing, and went quiet. Just placing my bets on colour/columns and staring ahead. Sometimes I'd look at her, but noticed she was no longer looking at me after she called no more bets and leaned against the wheel. At one point I looked blankly ahead and think she was looking at me.

She spun one ball awkwardly and I joked that it would be no spin. She said it was a valid spin, and I said it would be no spin if I lost. I won. I said it was with her left hand, and she said she was right handed. I said I know, but she was spinning with her left and she finally understand what I meant.

One guy was playing certain numbers next to me, and there would be a bit of chit chat between the three of us. He kept losing and taking out a $100 note to keep playing.

At times, some random person would come up and ask Julie to change their money for $5 chips, and she'd tell them she didn't have any (as it was a $10 table). I then jokingly asked her if I could swap mine for $5 chips and she laughed. She then said something that sounded like "actually?" which I took to mean "you really want to?" in a jokingly threatening type of way. I just told her she didn't have enough $5 chips anyway, which is what she told everyone else who asked.

Or, at times people would bet $10 on a colour, not realising the minimum bet was $50 (very misleading since it says it is a $10 table) and she'd have to explain it to them. So I slipped one chip (worth $10) on a colour and she laughed.

I did see her look at me once when she had to do a calculation for a payout of a $25 corner win and the winner asked for a $100 chip. Then there was one time when I bet black/third column and as the ball was spinning, but before she called no more bets. she looked directly at me. I looked back and we held eye contact for a bit. It landed on 5 and I lost. I was about to make a comment about giving me a death stare before making me lose but thought the better of it.

I'd kinda just enjoy sitting there quietly playing, with her dealing. A dealer walked past on his break and they exchanged a few words. As he walked past he turned around to say something more to her but she wasn't looking.

After one spin, I collected on my black/third column bet, and then she paid me out an additional eight chips for a corner bet. I was like "that isn't mine" before seeing one of my coloured chips on a corner bet. An Indian lady next to me said that was hers, and it occurred to us that this lady had taken chips from another table to play here. So that held things up for a while. When the supervisor cleared everything up, I joked "so do I get the win?" and both Julie and her supervisor laughed.

At one point, some people had placed their bets, and I noticed some dirt on the table, so I scrapped it away. I noticed Julie had a small smile on her face as she saw me do that, as if she found that amusing. I was about to joke that it was my OCD but then she may have thought I was serious.

When her shift was up, a lady came to take over. After doing the routine hand check thing, we looked at each other and gave each other a soft smile. I was down like $200, so bought in $800 to win it back. Lost the first spin, then won the next spin as it landed on 11 where I had three splits and made my money back plus $20 gain. I cashed in and left.

I thought seeing Julie would cheer me up. Maybe it did. But being with her and not having much in terms of conversation has (again) given me cause for depression.

Today when I woke up, I felt emotionally sick from it. I looked up 'lovesick' and the wiki definition is:

Lovesickness describes the informal syndrome of rejected or unrequited love or the absence of a loved one and covers physical as well as mental symptoms. It is not to be confused with the condition of being lovestruck. Although typically harmless it can for some personalities lead to serious physical or mental illness, sometimes even culminating in attempted suicide. In psychology, lovesickness is seldom acknowledged.
Many people believe lovesickness to be an illness created as an explanation to longings, but it can cause depression and lead to various mental health issues. Lovesickness can make you feel either extremely sad and disappointed or very happy and over-excited.

 Hmmm. Seems to describe me, or what I'm going through, very well. I should be hungry but I don't feel like eating :(

Upping it to $1000 per spin

So yesterday was it. It'd be the day I'd get to see Julie for sure. As it neared 5pm, the reality of having to talk to her and possibly putting myself out there by asking her for coffee had hit me - I started getting a really sick feeling in my stomach. Suddenly, a small part of me wanted to turn around and run away. I didn't want to do it anymore. I chickened out.

But, I told myself not to be silly, and I headed off to the casino.

When I got inside, I quickly walked around all the roulette tables, looking for that familiar figure, that familiar hair, that familiar smile.

Nowhere.

But she MUST be here. It's Thursday. She works full time and she wasn't here on Tuesday or Wednesday.

Maybe she was on a break? I don't know. I took a seat at a table with one Caucasian guy playing. The dealer was Anne, or Anna or something, a middle aged woman wealthy in weight. She was rather talkative, and laughed a lot, maybe because as she said, she had two more days before she went on a cruise.

I wasn't doing too well, losing a bit in the beginning. In fact, I think I lost my first $800. The Caucasian guy wasn't doing well either, and eventually lost. As I played, I kept looking around for Julie, thinking maybe she was on a break, but nope, never saw her.

Eventually there was a dealer change to a chubby Asian guy who didn't look too happy. For some reason, I always think that works in the players' favour. The more they want us to lose, the less likely it will happen (and vice versa).

With this guy, I got extremely lucky betting black/third column, as it landed on 6 twice, then 24, then 33 - all in a row. I mean, fucking hell. I looked at a lady playing on the same table and we both shook our heads. Not sure if it was for the same reason though.

Anyway. I was up $500 and cashed in. I decided to take a walk around the casino to see if maybe Julie had been allocated to a new game. I saw the Chinese lady was working on a new game, so maybe it was time for Julie too? Or did she not pass probation??

I walked around and didn't see her. I returned to roulette. I played a bit of colour/columns here and there and hung around the $500 gain mark. I stood at a table with a dealer called Ruth - a Caucasian girl with really thick glasses. Kinda attractive in a nerdy type of way. I was thinking about playing a bit more colour/column when I spotted the man who looked like my dad, seated at the electronics roulette table.

He looked a lot like my dad, and I pictured that was how my dad would look like in a casino. Seemed kinda lost, like he had nothing to do in a place like that, I wondered why he was there. It made me want to cry. He probably saw me looking at him and wondered wtf.

Eventually I gave in and played. I figured I'd try to wait until 8pm when there was a new shift starting, maybe Julie was on the 8pm shift?

I played black/third column and lost. Then I went to the table behind me where Summer was playing and bet $100 on each black/third column, and it landed on 7. Fuck.

I then bought in colour at Ruth's table. I was hovering at around the same level before there was a dealer change to an older, fatter woman. I lost like $1500 at her table.

With two $500 chips in my hand and about $170 in loose chips, I went to the $25 table.

Shiiiiiiit.

I bet $500 on black/third column on one table. I drew.

As the next table spun up, I bet $500 on red/middle column and drew.

I returned to the first table and did black/third column again. It landed on 18. I won $500.

I went to the second table and did red/middle column. It landed on 20. I won $500.

So I had my $2000 back, plus the extra $170. I decided that was enough of a thrill. I knew I had lost it. I could feel it. Once again I had lost self control, and I realised it. I could feel the chemicals in my brain had changed. I was ashamed. I kept doing something that I didn't want to.

The second table next spun up a 14. If I had bet on that I would've won $1500. Faaark.

Anyway, I caught a taxi home. My mom cooked as my dad was at work, and usually the food is not as great. But I enjoyed just sitting at home and eating, instead of the rush and losses at the casino. I was back in peace.

That night greatly affected me, as I slept at midnight and woke up at 5:30am thinking about it. I left home early for work and went straight to the casino (since I had my suit).

The dealer was a young Phillipino looking girl with an 'S' tattoo on her neck. She spun up like five or six 0-3 sectors in a row, which robbed me of my first $800. Unbelievable. The thought of losing $2000 before work, and after my fluke come back the night before, made me feel sick.

I hit the next 1-2 sector that came up, but she returned to 0-3. So I started following the trend. When it landed on 0, I had two straight ups and two splits. I was back to where I had started.

Later on, it landed on 24 where I had four splits. I was now up $530. I sat there for like the next 10 spins, not betting. Just thinking. Eventually I cashed out and got the fuck out of there.

I am one lucky bastard.

No Julie + loss of $2000

Yesterday after work, I was so eager to see Julie, I left the office on the dot at 5pm.

I pictured myself sitting down at her empty table, like Eva Green in Casino Royale when she first met Bond, I'd say "I'm the money" as I sat down. I'd ask her if she saw me on tv on Monday night because I got caught in the background, and that would start things off.

However, when I got there, she was nowhere to be seen. I sat down at a table with the Vietnamese MILF playing and wondered if Julie was just on a break. I asked the MILF if she was having any luck today, and she just shook her head. She changed tables shortly. Hmmm.

The dealer was a short, slightly stubby Australian woman. We got talking a little bit but for the most part she was talking to her supervisor. I lost the first bet and was never up.

Then there was a dealer change to a guy with long curly hair, who was very talkative, so we got talking, which was a bit of a distraction. I lost my first $800 and had to use my remaining $1200. I was floating around the $1200 mark when there was a dealer change to a guy named Benjamin.

He said he had been there about a month but I had never seen him because he did mostly night shifts. At one point he mentioned some dealers not being able to spin the ball because they thought about it too much, and I was about to refer to Julie without naming her, but thought the better of it. He also mentioned that in training they had a task where they had to sort out chips as quickly as possible, and that he got 50 seconds whereas now he can do it in 20 seconds. I wonder how Julie went.

I made a bit of money back with him, hanging around the $1800 mark, but then the long curly hair guy came back, spun up like five 0-3 sections in a row and that killed me. I lost $1800, then used the remaining $200 to play black/third column on another table and it landed on 25 and lost.

 It's a funny time to lose, because throughout the day I had been expecting a win, given my recent wins, but cautioned myself not to get over confident. I also told myself that the test would come when I lost, not when I win. And so, now that I had lost, the test was here. Did I feel the urge to chase? Only a tiny bit.

I wanted to see Julie more.

Just found out my basketball coach died...

Just saw on facebook that the basketball coach, James Lane, I had when I was young, and who I will always remember, had passed away on 5th of this month.

:(

She works Mondays now?

This afternoon I went to court with Kym to apply for something, and I felt the judge gave him a bit of a hard time. It started with asking Kym to address him as "Judge", and then he directed all questions at Kym while he gave me a free pass. I'm probably wrong here, but maybe he felt like having a go at a non-legal practitioner and I was 'in', given I was a lawyer. I also wondered if Kym's sense of dress had anything to do with it. I noticed he had rolled his sleeves up under his suit so you couldn't see an inch of his sleeve from his suit.

After work I went to the casino. Against my plans. I had planned to go to the gym and work out hard. But I figured Julie wasn't working anyway, and it was a good chance to make a bit more money before I finally quit after establishing contact with Julie outside of the casino. Also, I felt a bit stressed from the day and wanted to get away from it all.

When I got to the casino, I started scanning all the roulette tables. I was pretty sure she wasn't working, but just wanted to make sure. Then, I saw her. She was at a $5 table with her back to me.

Hmmm.

I sat down at the $10 table diagonally opposite her where the dealer was a short stubby girl. I bought in $800 of chips and told myself not to look over, and to try to focus. Focus like a karate master. I took one glance at her and started focusing.

The guy next to me asked me if I had just started and I said yes. I asked him if he had any luck and he said no. I said it was a hard game. I played the 1-2 sector on the first spin after seeing last two spins was a double 35.

It landed on 17. I won $230 immediately.

I played black/column and won $20. I then saw and heard Julie changing shifts. The supervisor asked her and someone else if they were "six o'clock". I watched as Julie left her table. She undid the barrier, and then did it up again after exiting the pod. I watched, hoping she would look up and we could share a greeting. Nothing.

She walked my way, and I decided to turn and greet her as she walked past. I felt this was maybe a bit too desperate, but I did it. I turned to my right, and just as she was about to look up, some fucking cunt stepped in the way to place a bet.

She walked past and that was it.

I sat there and looked at the clock. It was 6:05pm. Part of me wanted to leave and maybe try to bump into her. Part of me didn't want to do that.

Well...you're up $320, might as well leave.

No dude, that's stalking. Just stay.

But you could LOSE all of it!

Just stay put.

Not sure whether it was the money or her, but I cashed in and left. $320 was a pretty good gain.

I slowly walked towards the bridge. John called me, and we talked on my mobile. He said he forgot Mis' name and wanted to refer a client to him. He asked if I was planning a holiday and I said maybe. He said he was still planning to go to Korea but needed a partner. I'd actually be tempted to go with him if it wasn't for the fact that he'd blatantly cheat on his wife over there. I'm not even talking about whoring, I'm talking about a girl he knows who he wants to meet.

Anyway, as I talked on the phone, I wondered if Julie was walking behind me. At least it wouldn't seem too strange that she saw me moments earlier at the casino and now I was walking away, it looked like I was busy.

After the phone call I walked along the bridge. I wondered if she was ahead of me. Or was she behind me? I pictured her catching up to me and slapping me on the shoulder with a big friendly greeting. It didn't happen.

When I got to the first set of lights, I stopped to wait. I looked back to see if she was about. I couldn't see her.

As I stood there waiting for the light to change, I wondered if I should go back for another walk. No. Yes.

I did.

I walked back along the bridge towards the casino, scanning everyone like a robot. Nowhere to be seen.

I went back to the casino, wondering if maybe her shift didn't end, and she just went on a break. I wondered if security would stop me for acting weird. Maybe they knew I went there for her. But they didn't. The guard actually stepped aside to let me through when he saw me, as he was checking someone else's ID. The people working the cameras above hadn't found out my true intentions.

I went to the roulette tables and she was nowhere to be seen. So she had finished her shift. Maybe she just leaves a different way?

What am I doing?

Asking Julie to add me on FB - take two

On Friday I had lunch with Rom. I find that she never suggests lunch and always goes along with whatever I suggest, even though she may not really want it. Like, because she was late and I had stuff to do in the office, I suggested Subway in the shopping centre. I knew she didn't really want it because she just had the other half of whatever sandwich I ordered. I actually had a craving for Subway, and didn't want to suggest something too expensive because I knew she wanted to shout since I paid for the last one.

In the afternoon my team decided to go to drinks to celebrate Ben getting married last week. I stayed back a bit because I had work to do, and then I saw Taran and we went there with the Commish. Taran did most of the talking, while I walked alongside feeling like a security guard, watching out for people who may bump too close to the frail old man, or if he had a misstep on the stairs and fell backwards. I think it was the first time I had had a conversation with him outside of work.

I went back to the office afterwards to change and meet Jim for gym. I wanted to show him the refurbished gym at Bond Street. He was impressed, but don't think he'll pay the additional $7 just to see it.

I thought we had a decent workout, but then totally ruined it by having Japanese afterwards and then dessert at Guylian. Faaaark why did we do that.

Yesterday after Saturday morning basketball I went home, had a shower and changed, before going out to the casino. If Julie was there, I'd bet small and tell her about the resume thing, and if not, then I'd play like normal.

When I got there, I saw her working at a $5 table facing away from the entrance. I sat down at the $10 table behind her where a short old Asian man was the dealer. From where I was sitting, Julie was in my full view, and I got to look (perv) at her properly. She looks tall, and I guess is tall for a girl, but she is about the same height as me. She isn't stick thin, but she's not really fat either. She's kinda just...average. I don't think she goes to the gym.

I like how she wears pants instead of a dress. I noticed she didn't seem to put much effort into her hair on this day. I observed how she would lean towards the wheel and look away towards the end of the table after calling no more bets and waiting for the ball to land, so I guess maybe she didn't just do it when I was there. But then again, she wasn't making eye contact with anyone at her table like she did with me.

Every time she did that I would silently wish she would turn a bit more to her right which would then allow her to see me. But she never did. At one stage she did turn around and I thought we made eye contact but I saw no reaction from her.

Watching her work in the casino gave me a feeling of being brought back down to earth, instead of placing her on a pedestal. I mean, there was really nothing special about this or her, was there? She's just spinning a ball, swiping off chips and paying out chips. Bit of a shitty repetitive job if you ask me.

I told myself I had to stay alive until she changed tables, which was a feat in its own. It's not improbable that I could lose everything before she changes tables, in which case I'd be fucked. So that kept me in control a bit, and it also helped that I was winning a bit.

I figured that when she switched tables, she'd go to the one on my left, and I thought I'd switch tables to go to hers when she did. But surprisingly, when her change happened, she came to my table. I guess they weren't rotating like normal today. She looked at me to greet me, and I greeted her in Korean, which got the silent treatment in return. I feel she doesn't really like to converse in Korean.

By now my table was kinda packed, so it was hard to talk to her. I asked her how her day had been, and she said not good. I sarcastically said "that's...good to hear". I said at least she gets to spin with her right hand now, but she misunderstood my meaning, and said that her problem is spinning with her left. Another misunderstanding was when I said her supervisor wasn't very 'CBS', and she said he was. Because of the people there, I didn't get to say much, though at times we did make eye contact and chuckle a bit.

I told her I had decided on my holiday destination - Hong Kong. She asked me what happened to the US, and I told her it would be too expensive. She said something about me being able to afford it. She also said "YOLO" and asked if I knew what it meant. I said yes, but added that you can be yolo at 24 but not at 32. She said you can.

I then decided to bring up the resume thing. I asked if she remembered my "friend" who was looking for a bartender job, and she said yes, so I assumed she caught on. I told her how I had contacted a high school friend who worked at the Hilton at the bar in there and still had contacts, and asked for my "friend's" resume. She said "Hilton? I don't know..." and I said "geez, I begged, and I pleaded..."

There wasn't much conversation after that, but she was pretty busy as well because the table had about three other players. I squinted and peered at her when we made eye contact and she laughed. At one point I decided to do something to 'connect' again, so I made eye contact and laughed. She kinda snapped and asked "what are you laughing at?"

Geez...

I sat there silently from thereon and thought about how stupid I had been to try to help a complete stranger. Now Saliva was waiting for me to pass on a resume, and the person I was trying to help had snapped at me.

I felt in control, but for a split second decided to go kamikaze and bet more than my usual amount on the 1-2 sector, but won.

I mentioned something about not laughing now and put on a serious face, and she said something about thinking I was laughing at her.

Ohhh I see...insecurity?

She later tried to start the conversation again by asking me if I could speak Cantonese, and confirming that I couldn't speak Mandarin. I just nodded and shook my head in response. I noticed that whenever she had to do a hard calculation, or if her supervisor pulled her up for something, the first person she'd look at is me. I wonder why? Was she expecting me to help her?

At one point some guy placed a split bet next to another split bet (instead of placing it on top of the first split bet) and I tried to draw her attention to it. It was also only a $5 chip whereas the minimum bet was $10. We made eye contact but she didn't catch on to what I was trying to point her attention to. I just left it and hoped it didn't land anywhere near that number, and it didn't.

After some players had lost and left, she asked if the chips in front of me were my winnings and I said yes. I said I was saving up for a kebab, after playing basketball for three hours earlier and not eating breakfast. She asked why I didn't have breakfast and I said it was my routine, and she said that was unhealthy. She said I didn't need $1000 for a kebab and I told her it was a big kebab, stretching my arms out wide to illustrate, and she laughed.

I said to her, according to her theory of YOLO, I should bet all my chips in one go. She was like "no, well within reason". I said it should be YOBO - you only bet once. I thought that was pretty good but only got a small smile from her for that.

I joked that maybe I should work at the casino, adding that I would make more working there than playing there. She said "not really" and I said at least they feed you. She said the food was kinda shit, and added "what do you expect, it's free". She also added that I'd have to work odd hours.

She asked me if migration lawyers made a lot of money and I said not really. I can't remember what I said, but it prompted her to say she was thinking of going back to study. I encouraged her to do law and she sounded interested. She said she didn't want to do essays and I joked that I could do them for her. I told her that I was *this* close to getting honours, making a small gesture with my hand, and she said that must've been very annoying. At that moment her shift ended and she made a bit of a sad face as I felt like we had a bit of conversation going.

I kept playing until she came back from her shift and returned to another table. I was up $500 at one stage, but was now cashing out with a $220 gain. I actually wasn't too fussed about that. I walked over to her and stood at the end of the table, away from her supervisor. I said if shes interested, to let me know. She was like "was that about me?" and I rolled my eyes and called her "babo", which made her laugh.

I thought, is she serious? She didn't know "my friend" was a reference to her??? All that time, she didn't fucking know???

She asked if it was full time or casual and I said full time, but she said she can only do casual as she would like to keep her job here. I said there was no harm in sending her resume anyway and seeing what happens. She said "ok, but how do I..." and I said to add me. She asked if the name was what I had told her last time, and I said yes, and spelt it out for her again. I told her that I had told my friend that she made a lot of mistakes at work, and she started laughing. I added "but she's a really nice person, a people person". She said ok, and I said I was off now to get my kebab, which made her laugh and I walked off, cashed in and actually did go get a kebab. I had actually also said something about losing money every time having to come here to pass the message onto her, but she didn't hear me properly and I didn't repeat it.

Maybe it was satisfying my craving for a kebab. Or maybe the kebab was actually good. Or maybe it was that things ended on a good note and she sounded like she would look for me on facebook. But I sat there feeling very content and satisfied about what had happened. In hindsight, I probably should've said to bring her resume on Thursday and we can go for a coffee after her shift, where I can ask for her number and facebook anyway, but oh well.

Melbourne Cup casino

Today was the Melbourne Cup. After work, I decided to go to the casino. I figured since the race was in the afternoon, people weren't going to stay at the casino after that, right?

Wrong.

When I got there, it was packed. Music was thumping, and they had opened all the roulette tables. I walked around looking for Julie. I wasn't expecting to see her as she normally doesn't work Tuesdays, but figured maybe today was an exception given the race. But nope, didn't see her around. Good, I thought, since it was way too busy.

I settled on the table closest to and facing the entrance. I slowly made a gain of $520. I was very close to leaving, but got greedy and lost it back. Stupid, I thought, given my goal was to win $200 and leave. It was this vicious cycle I was only too familiar with.

I kept playing, and miraculously made my way back. On the last spin, it landed on 34 where I had two straight ups. I immediately cashed in with a gain of $720.

I then spent about half an hour walking around, checking things out. I was really beginning to despise this place.

Will this end my casino career?

I spent most of yesterday sitting at home playing TLOU. As I sat there, game after game, the smell of my mom's dried mushrooms started getting to me. It annoyed me because our house is already a mess, hoarded with junk we do not need. And now she puts mushrooms out to dry, and when it's dark, she brings them back in, and the smell infiltrates the lounge room, rendering it like a market place.

The home should not smell like a market place.

So the more I played, the more I realised that I needed to move out. I needed to save money for a home. I am 32 and have really wasted all my money.

Today, with Julie in the back of my mind, I realised I had another friend (in addition to Will Ho) who was a bartender - Saliva. So I messaged him on fb, and after a bit of introductory chat, I told him straight up to keep an eye out for positions. His response was much more encouraging than Will Ho's - he said although he had left the industry, he still had contacts and asked me to send her resume through.

That alone made me want to immediately go to the casino after work to tell her. But I resisted. I couldn't.

You see, somewhere over the weekend, I decided it might be best if I skip a week seeing her. I think I have become too predictable available. She didn't even seem surprised when she saw me on Friday. I think maybe skip a week, and make her miss you. Seeing her on consecutive days has made me realise that an important part of courtship is missing someone. Seeing them too often too early on makes things less exciting. I want to make her wonder about me. If she expects me there on Thursday, then not seeing me should make her wonder.

My plan is to go to the gym and work out heaps over the next week or two, so I can go back to see her with a leaner body. Let's hope I'm able to stick to the plan.

This should also keep me away from gambling, but not sure if the urges will get me there after she finishes her shift.

I have also come up with a plan in my head - maybe I can sit at her table and play, and because there will probably be another player or her supervisor around, I can say "you know that girl I told you about last week who was looking for a bartending job?" and start from there, and make jokes like "yeah but she makes a lot of mistakes and isn't good at maths...but she is attractive though" :)

Maybe...

That's my fantasy anyway.

But I fugure if this all works out and she does change jobs (even if we don't hook up), then I most probably shouldn't go back to the casino. Who knows if they will find out I was poaching her? I don't want to take that risk.

So maybe this will end my casino career?

Another thing today is that my confidence is suddenly back up. You know why? My brain has brought back the memory of Friday when I was sitting at the table during her break, I heard her supervisor say "oh Julie why didn't you take your 20 minutes?" which meant she came back early from her break. Knowing the lazy person she is, always wanting to go on her break (in fact, they all do), why did she come back early? Was it because she thought I'd change to her table?

Aaaand that's how long happiness lasts...

Yesterday and today have been feeling a bit different. Not because she hasn't added me on facebook, because I keep telling myself she can't find me due to my privacy settings which I can't change. But my head keeps replaying the last occasion over and over, and it starts to focus on some of the less positive, drawing negative inferences from them.

Like I find myself asking, how did she react after you gave her your facebook and asked her to add you? She said nothing, didn't she? That's not a good sign. Even when you repeated it after the old man sat down, she just processed his money and said nothing.

Maybe it was a rejection.

Well, this was your plan after all, wasn't it? It was that as soon as you get rejected, you wouldn't go to the casino anymore, for two good reasons: 1) to avoid her; and 2) to stop losing money.

This is it, isn't it?

I feel like crying...

Temporary illusionary happiness

Somewhere between last night and this morning, I got the (scumbag?) idea in my head that I should go see Julie today, and do what I didn't, but should have done, last night - tell her that I could help her change jobs, and to initiate contact outside the casino that way.

As I worked throughout the morning, the idea grew more and more. I even transferred $500 from my savings account to my bank account to 'play with' while talking to her (I have realised it is too awkward and obvious to her supervisors if I talk without playing). However, part of me was worried that whatever was growing this idea was from a bad part of me...that maybe I was just fantasising, and that in reality it would actually be a bad idea? Would it even be harassment if I went there the next day to see her? What if my attention was unwanted? How would I know? I mean, she's pretty much stuck there at the table, not like she could walk away.

Maybe my scumbag was further in action when it decided that after work wouldn't be good enough as there'd be too many people and G might be there for the Halloween party. So lunch time it was. Despite the fact that I had planned to check out the Downies sale.

However, the money hadn't arrived by noon. Instead, I withdrew the $100 I had in there and went for it.

I walked in and didn't see her at first, before spotting her at one of the far away tables where two ladies were playing. I pretended to walk around a bit first, then walked past her table. We made eye contact. I made a "shocked" gesture, pretending to be surprised to see her, while she gave me an eyebrow raise to acknowledge me as she was about to call no more bets on her spin.

I walked off, feeling like she was treating me like an insider. You know, like we knew each other enough to do the eyebrow raise, instead of the "let's be polite" smile. Maybe it was even an "hey I'm busy right now, but come back when I'm not" type of eyebrow raise. But why wasn't she surprised to see me there at lunch time?

I walked to the table closest to the entrance and pretended to be preoccupied there, only to realise I was still in her clear line of sight. I nudged slightly to the left so that I wasn't. I bought $10 chips and played black/third column and won $20. There was a NZ guy eagerly and happily playing there and lost.

I looked over at her table again, and there was now only one lady left. I walked over and approached. She gave a friendly smile but I pretended to be formal, slipping the $10 chips onto the table and saying "fives please". In addition to her supervisor, there was also the floor supervisor standing around at the computer, so I had to be careful.

She asked me how I was and I said "long time no see". I was explaining to her that I had a team lunch across the road at 2pm and so had some time to kill (lie). She looked at me as if to expect some sort of friendliness but I stared ahead at the numbers on display, pretending to focus. I was standing at the end of the table, and the old lady sitting in the middle was kinda talkative.

I placed one chip on a six line, and I won when it landed on 27. She looked at me for a reaction, because the odds were against me on that one, but I ignored it and pretended it wasn't a big deal.

I waited until the old hag lost all her money. She was deciding whether to move onto another table, saying she had promised some other dealer to play at his table.

Go...go!

Finally she decided to move on.

Yes!!!

Now I was all alone with Julie. I stayed at the end of the table betting black/third column. I was there because it seemed like the furthest point away from her supervisor, and the floor supervisor had now left the area. But the supervisor was still within an earshot of us talking.

I asked if she looked up Between Two Ferns, expecting a no, and she said she was too tired after she finished work last night. I shook my head and called her lazy.

I said something about it being hot outside and she said she'd be at the beach if she wasn't working. I acted surprised and she said she wouldn't stay home during the day. We talked about holidays, and I said how I go in December but it sucks because I don't like the cold, and it's cold everywhere else in the world in December except Australia.

She asked if I could only take leave in December and I said that was most beneficial for me. She said she couldn't take leave in December as the casino required everyone to be there because it was the busiest time.

I asked if she had been to Vanuatu and she said no. I told her I had been and she asked if I went to the beaches there. I said I didn't think so, and she was like how can you not. I said I went with a colleague and we had a fight after a few days so that was why. She said that's why she likes going on holidays with friends, because it either breaks them or makes them stronger. I agree. She asked why she went with me and if it was because she was into me.

I ended up telling her a bit about Nunjo. She didn't seem to think it was much of a problem that she swore at me for no reason, saying being drunk was justifiable. She asked if I was sensitive and I said no, that I just didn't expect to be sworn at. I told her Nunjo was seven years older than me but at the time I thought she was only three years older.

Eventually I moved to the middle of the table as it just felt a bit odd. I was winning almost every bet by now and she noticed, saying something. I said she was my lucky dealer. 

We talked about her supervisors, and I mentioned how Cassie seemed nice. She said it must be an Aussie thing, and I said that fat supervisor didn't seem very nice when she made a mistake the other day. She asked me what mistake and I strained to recall it. She remembered the occasion I was talking about and asked "the time when I did so many no spins?" but then I remembered, and said it was when she placed a chip on the winning row and the fat supervisor told her off. She said she is normally nice but sometimes a bit grumpy. She said they were generally "seebs".

She had mentioned this term moments before, and so finally I asked "what is seebs?" She said it was "CBS" short for "can't be stuffed". She teased that I was obviously too old for it, and I was like "hey". Just as she said this, it landed on 00 and I lost that bet. I was like "oh great, you insult me and take all my money". As she swept my chips away, she said something about last night how she paid the guy out on the third column when it landed on 00.

One of the drinks girls walked past and she asked if I saw her. I said I don't really look at them, and she said the girl had some sort of face painting for halloween.

I watched as her supervisor went down to the other end of the pit.

YES!!!

I quickly looked around me to make sure no one was around before I told her that I could help her find a job if she really wanted to change. I wasn't sure what reaction I'd get, but she had a bit of a smile on her face and in her eyes as she listened. She didn't say anything, but it looked like an appreciation smile, a grateful smile, maybe even a smile that indicated she felt like I was expressing interest in her.


Maybe she thinks you're finally making a move! Maybe I made it just in time! God bless!

I continued, saying I had friends from time to time who would ask me if I knew anyone for jobs. She asked me what type of jobs, and I said one friend was looking for a barista, one was looking for a driver to drive around hooking up social security people with employers. She said she didn't drive and I made an exasperated gesture. I also added that someone from Red Bull had been looking for someone. She said "my dream is to be a bartender, oh I told you that didn't I?" and I said yes.

I told her to add me on facebook and told her my name on it, adding that it was a fake name for obvious reasons. I emphasised how to spell it twice, in a rather hurried tone, fearful that someone may over hear soon. She leaned in as if to hear me clearly and asked if it was my Chinese name and I said it was short for it.

Then, an old man came to the table and she greeted him by his name. I added one last time casually, "yeah so add me". She didn't say anything, but I didn't detect any negative response from her. In fact, I was quite pleased with her response. She did seem interested in the idea of me helping her.

Later on there was a dealer change to a fat bald guy. He told Julie to take 20 minutes (instead of the usual 15). Didn't get any acknowledgement from Julie as she left, but maybe it was because the fat bald guy was in the way.

I continued playing so that it wasn't obvious I was only there for Julie. I kept playing black/third column but on less occasions now. I later realised that the dealer was hitting a lot of 1-2 sections, and it had just landed on 34 - my profitable area.

So I bet on my normal 1-2 section, taking a risk by not covering 00. It landed on 25, one of my profitable numbers. I ended up leaving with a $150 gain. Completely unexpected as I was prepared to lose $100 to talk to Julie.

By now Julie should've been back from her break, but I looked around and didn't see her. I did hear her supervisor say "oh Julie why didn't you take your 20 minutes?" but I never saw her. It was only when I walked away that I saw she was at the table next to the one I was at. But it was too late to go back so I just kept walking.

I went back to my office feeling pretty happy about what had happened. I just felt like I had left things better than they had been left yesterday. It felt...unfinished yesterday, whereas now I had done what I had set out to do.

I kept a smile on my face for the rest of the day, but I knew it was a temporary illusion only. I was sure I wouldn't get a friend request from her, either because she didn't want to, or because she couldn't find me (for some reason people cannot search for me on facebook). But the latter reason was good enough. I had made my desire for contact outside the casino known, and she seemed receptive to it. That was all I needed.