She's on nightshift / Lovesick

"Somewhere along the way, we're all running in the crazy race
Never thinking about the hearts we break
And as our hope starts fading away things are never gonna be the same
Cause when you're standing there all alone
Losing everything you've ever known 
You're staring at a different face things are never gonna be the same"
-- Never Be The Same, Jessica Mauboy

Yesterday I went to Saturday basketball, had a pretty great time. I was on a team with a girl against five guys, and thought we wouldn't have much of a chance. When it was close to the end, I hit a fluke three off the backboard to win it lol.

Then there was one team that was undefeated throughout the day. I was on the team that played them last. It was one of the few games where I got to play with all guys, so had a good chance of winning. We were down like 2-6 (up to 7) at first, then slowly caught up. It got to a tie game and then teams started trading baskets.

Finally we were up by one, then after a shot by the other team, I leaked and my team threw me the rebound, as I ran down the court for a fast break lay up. Although I'm known to miss easy lay ups, I made this one - I made the game winner! And defeated the undefeated team!!

I was so happy to ran around the court cheering with the guys on my team haha. Ah good times.

After that I went home, showered and changed and then caught a bus out to the city. I went into the office to get my gambling money as I had left it in the draw. I then headed off to the casino.

When I got there, I walked around all the roulette tables looking for Julie and didn't see her. Then I walked around the rest of the casino and still didn't see her. Hmmm. The casino just didn't seem the same without her. Memories of seeing her flashed through my mind. Every thing, the roulette tables, the lights, the settings, was all the same. But it wasn't. Because she wasn't there. The Jessica Mauboy song plays through my head repeatedly when I think about this.

I sat down at a table and started playing. There was one old lady playing a little bit at a time. There was later a dealer change to the woman named Yuan or something, the same one that had told me to be nice to Julie and had seen me talking to her without playing before.

When it landed on 23, the old lady said that was her number. After the next spin, I told her not to worry as it would come up again...and then it landed on 23 lol. It actually landed on 23 a few times, and I said, we keep talking about it but never bet on it.

After Yuan the dealer was changed to a guy named Greg, who was kinda chatty and pretty funny. A tall, older man also started playing. He would bet on 0, 13 and 31, stacking a handful of chips on each. Every time he lost, he'd make a frustrated noise. I thought, seriously? You're betting three numbers, what do you expect?

The supervisor was Sally, the Korean girl I had first fallen for at the casino. She seemed a bit like a distant memory now that I had met Julie. Before I started playing, when I stood near the table, she was looking at me. I don't know why. But after that she never looked at me again. She always seems to keep to herself or only talk to the dealers.

At one stage, I heard Greg say to Sally that there were new dealers over in poker.

Poker! That's one area I have never checked! Maybe Julie is in poker!

I thought about telling Greg that I wanted to go for a walk and leave my chips there. I then decided to just say I wanted to go to the bathroom. Why am I always so honest?

So I told him I was going to the toilet and said I'd leave my chips there. He joked that he'd bet for me lol. I walked over to the poker area and had a look. Nope, no Julie :(

I returned to the table, and shortly after I cashed out with a $400 win, which I had slowly grinded my way to. I ended up watching other tables for a long time. That old taller man had changed tables and I watched him play. Although he was losing at first, he started getting lucky as the dealer started hitting 10 and 31. I also saw another guy, a young Asian guy, lose $1500 on one spin. Fark.

I thought maybe Julie would start the 6pm shift, and left the casino at 5:30pm (after eating there and watching a Lakers v Spurs game) to maybe try to bump into her on her way to work. I didn't see her, but did get confirmation that they seem to get there about 30 minutes before as I saw another dealer walking to work.

I went home and started assembling the bathroom cabinet my parents bought from Ikea. It was a bit of fun and a lot of struggle. Ended up getting two blisters on my fingers and stopped halfway when it was too hard to screw things in with my blisters.

I wondered if Julie was on night shift, and so at about 10pm drove out to the casino. This time I was dressed in a variation of my Harvey Specter outfit hehe. I paid for a 30 minute parking ticket and went into the casino. Took a walk through the whole thing and didn't see her. There were heaps of people as expected.

After walking to the end where the poker tables are, I decided to go back to the roulette tables for a final check. I was really afraid that maybe she got fired and I'd never see her again. I started questioning whether she was really that bad of a dealer.

As I was walking around, I saw her. She was at one of the tables that aren't usually opened. I stood at the end of the table behind hers, kinda in between that and her table. As usual, after she'd call no more bets, she'd lean against the wheel and look away. If she looked just a bit more to her right she'd see me.

There were a few guys playing at her table. I thought I shouldn't talk to her. Just seeing her made me content. I stood around pretending to watch my table for a while longer. Later on I noticed everyone left her table after losing. She leaned against the wheel and I think she saw me. I could see from the corner of my eye that she seemed to be facing me, though I didn't look to confirm it.

I then gave in. I walked over and said "I'm the money". She obviously didn't get it, and her supervisor, the Indian guy, didn't get it, with both giving me confused looks. FML.

I bought $400 worth of chips. Her supervisor asked her to ask me if I had a card and I shook my head. He said something to her and she said "no, I know him". My guess would be that he told her to always ask a customer for their members card.

I was expecting maybe a "what are you doing here so late" or "what are you doing here on a Saturday night" but got nothing. I asked if she watched the news and she said yes. That was a good sign. I asked if she saw me on tv and she had a really interested look on her face, saying no. I told her I was in the background and she chuckled a bit. I then joked "I was yeling out 'Julie! Julie! Spin me a zero Julie!'" and she said "why would you say that?" lol. I think maybe she said that to see what my intentions were?

I decided not to bring up the facebook or her job hunting thing, and went quiet. Just placing my bets on colour/columns and staring ahead. Sometimes I'd look at her, but noticed she was no longer looking at me after she called no more bets and leaned against the wheel. At one point I looked blankly ahead and think she was looking at me.

She spun one ball awkwardly and I joked that it would be no spin. She said it was a valid spin, and I said it would be no spin if I lost. I won. I said it was with her left hand, and she said she was right handed. I said I know, but she was spinning with her left and she finally understand what I meant.

One guy was playing certain numbers next to me, and there would be a bit of chit chat between the three of us. He kept losing and taking out a $100 note to keep playing.

At times, some random person would come up and ask Julie to change their money for $5 chips, and she'd tell them she didn't have any (as it was a $10 table). I then jokingly asked her if I could swap mine for $5 chips and she laughed. She then said something that sounded like "actually?" which I took to mean "you really want to?" in a jokingly threatening type of way. I just told her she didn't have enough $5 chips anyway, which is what she told everyone else who asked.

Or, at times people would bet $10 on a colour, not realising the minimum bet was $50 (very misleading since it says it is a $10 table) and she'd have to explain it to them. So I slipped one chip (worth $10) on a colour and she laughed.

I did see her look at me once when she had to do a calculation for a payout of a $25 corner win and the winner asked for a $100 chip. Then there was one time when I bet black/third column and as the ball was spinning, but before she called no more bets. she looked directly at me. I looked back and we held eye contact for a bit. It landed on 5 and I lost. I was about to make a comment about giving me a death stare before making me lose but thought the better of it.

I'd kinda just enjoy sitting there quietly playing, with her dealing. A dealer walked past on his break and they exchanged a few words. As he walked past he turned around to say something more to her but she wasn't looking.

After one spin, I collected on my black/third column bet, and then she paid me out an additional eight chips for a corner bet. I was like "that isn't mine" before seeing one of my coloured chips on a corner bet. An Indian lady next to me said that was hers, and it occurred to us that this lady had taken chips from another table to play here. So that held things up for a while. When the supervisor cleared everything up, I joked "so do I get the win?" and both Julie and her supervisor laughed.

At one point, some people had placed their bets, and I noticed some dirt on the table, so I scrapped it away. I noticed Julie had a small smile on her face as she saw me do that, as if she found that amusing. I was about to joke that it was my OCD but then she may have thought I was serious.

When her shift was up, a lady came to take over. After doing the routine hand check thing, we looked at each other and gave each other a soft smile. I was down like $200, so bought in $800 to win it back. Lost the first spin, then won the next spin as it landed on 11 where I had three splits and made my money back plus $20 gain. I cashed in and left.

I thought seeing Julie would cheer me up. Maybe it did. But being with her and not having much in terms of conversation has (again) given me cause for depression.

Today when I woke up, I felt emotionally sick from it. I looked up 'lovesick' and the wiki definition is:

Lovesickness describes the informal syndrome of rejected or unrequited love or the absence of a loved one and covers physical as well as mental symptoms. It is not to be confused with the condition of being lovestruck. Although typically harmless it can for some personalities lead to serious physical or mental illness, sometimes even culminating in attempted suicide. In psychology, lovesickness is seldom acknowledged.
Many people believe lovesickness to be an illness created as an explanation to longings, but it can cause depression and lead to various mental health issues. Lovesickness can make you feel either extremely sad and disappointed or very happy and over-excited.

 Hmmm. Seems to describe me, or what I'm going through, very well. I should be hungry but I don't feel like eating :(