"It's a dangerous love affair"

"I'm addicted to the thrill
It's a dangerous love affair"

-- Run This Town, Jay-Z feauring Rihanna. Kanye West

I woke up this morning and played that Korean game, had one go then turned it off. I knew I had to go train today, but my right knee just didn't feel like it. Maybe it was just a mental thing, but I kinda felt like it was beginning to rust, and the thought of jumping up and down on it doing jumpshots wasn't too appealing.

I seriously considered not going, but then decided to anyway. I went to the bathroom and played the Korean game again, but this time noticed Erica's photo had changed to one of a beach with sunrise, whereas previously it was one of the Harbour view she took with me that night.

Huh? That wasn't there before was it? Does this mean she went to the beach? Was she taken there by a guy? Well how else would she have known how to get there? Maybe it was her friends from the shop? And was it taken from today? The weather looks like it was today.

My mind went wild. I began thinking. Maybe I should call the shop today just to see if she's working (read: lying). Yes, that's what I'll do.

I then heard a voice inside me, like my coach, telling me to just go to the courts. I knew the coach's reasoning would be that it would clear my head, even though at the moment I felt like nothing could clear my head.

So off I went to the courts, and surprisingly my knee felt good. Nothing like the feeling I had today when I woke up. My mind was still on Erica, but I could see logic and rational thinking was seeping through.

I made myself do 50 jump shots. At first my form was way off, like I hadn't shot in years. But then I began getting the groove back.

As I shot around, I began exploring other possibilities.

Maybe it was a photo taken a while back? Nah, as of late she seems to have been putting up photos of her recent adventures, albeit with me.

Maybe instead of calling the shop, you should just message her and say you're coming to see her today. I mean, calling the shop automatically assumes she's lying - an assumption stemming from your insecurity and perhaps, your issues of abandonment. Messaging her would start from a point of trust.

If she says yes, then just go visit her. If she makes up some excuse as to why she's not working today, then she's probably taken the NYE day off to see another guy.

But I don't think she's seeing another guy/cheating on you. After all the things you have experienced (kisses on the forehead, constant contact from Korea, coming out to see you - even if it may have been just to get the ipad), would she find another guy just like that? Especially when she sent that Christmas video almost a week ago, and the game message yesterday?

I finished my 50 shots, and I reckon it took about 90 minutes, although right now my legs don't feel tired. As I walked back home, another line of reasoning entered my head.

Even if she's working today, how does that disprove that she's seeing another guy? Maybe you should just ask if she has a day off soon. That would be the cheaper, and more 'proper' alternative.

But now, as I've gotten home, another thing has entered my mind.

Maybe she put up a photo of a sunrise on the beach so you'd get the hint to take her to one?

God I don't know.

And now I gotta deal with Nick's message on facebook. I haven't really read it yet, but sounds like he might be having second thoughts about next season in Sunday's comp, which would provide a good reason for me to call it stumps.

Needing re-assurance

It was raining lightly this morning, and I felt kinda relieved that I didn't have to train at the courts, although when it stopped later in the morning, I went to the park and jogged a lap.

It was probably then stupid to eat a whole day of Macca's - Big Mac for breakfast, McChicken for lunch, and Big Mac again for dinner. Oh god, why did I do that. I feel so fat now.

Anyway, in the afternoon I drove out to JB near my place and finally caved in for Sleeping Dogs on PS3 for $49. I thought about going to a shop for a punt, but couldn't find it, and also I did feel guilt about Erica.

I took a nap then woke up and watched The Dark Knight. I had sorta expected a message from Erica, maybe around noon or 3pm, most probably one of those game messages. Even at 6pm I expected one, as that seemed to be her pattern for the last few days.

But I didn't get one, and I wondered if what I did yesterday had lowered her interest level in me. Maybe she was no longer interested?

But I was glad when I switched on my phone at 10:30pm, that she had sent one at 9:30pm. I felt re-assured. Maybe it's just me, but I kinda think that's her way of trying to stay on my mind.

My plan is to record the fireworks at 9pm tomorrow, send it to her, then go to G's place for the NYE celebrations.

Now I can watch Batman in peace

She replied!

In translation, she said "I don't like bread".

Geez, that's a bit negative...

I tried to joke it up:

"I make
you believe? :D
Oh ok
I will not order bread next time"

She replied with an "okay!" emoticon.

Hmmm...bit short.

I asked "how are you feeling today?"

She replied with a happy emoticon, adding "good".

Hmmmm...lighten things up.

I sent her a photo of the skill tester machine of Angry Birds I took when I was with the guys at the arcade earlier this week, and asked if she wanted one.

She said "yes" with a big smiley emoticon.

That's better.

Me:
"haha ok
what colour?
I get for you!"

She said "ok" and "lol" in translation.

That's a good enough recovery. I think I'll just leave it there and not message her for a while, else I might fuck things up again.

Now I'm gonna watch Batman again.

Well, now I've fucked it

She read the message at about 3:40pm. No reply.

I went to the bathroom to clean to shower to take my mind off it. Now that I'm back she still hasn't replied :(

I've fucked up again =(

Miscommunication

Yesterday morning I went to the courts and did some slides and jump rope. It cleared my head a little, and then I went home and fell asleep for a bit.

Erica ended up replying to my teddy bear picture at nearly 2pm with "ha ha". I then took the opportunity to say I wanted to see her on new year's eve so we could go watch the fireworks. She said she was working on the 31st, and I asked if she worked on the weekend as well. She said something about her shop being open 365 days a year.

I was getting a bit mad, as I really wanted to see her either on Christmas or new year's eve. I fantasised kissing her when the fireworks went up as the clock struck midnight. In the meantime, another possibility had entered my mind - what about seeing her at her shop? Wasn't this the original plan anyway? To see her every week or every fortnight? When did it become an unwritten rule that we could only see each other outside of the shop?

So I texted her "I come to shop to see you?"

Her [translated]: Today?
Me: yes
if you have no problems?

It showed she read the message, and then there was a long pause. She usually doesn't pause before replying. The translated reply was "well...if you have time, come..."

Even a blind person could sense the reluctance in her message, so I said:

"it's ok
you don't like
I understand
maybe next time"

Her translated reply was "it's not" and "I'd like to see come" or "I would like to see you shortly".

By now I was pretty pissed, and had decided to go to Naby's shop for a visit. 15 minutes later, on the bus after getting changed, I texted back "don't worry, I was joking, hope I can see you soon". She immediately read it and sent an "okay!" emoticon.

I was pissed off, and caught a bus to Naby's shop from the city. I walked there, hoping to get a last minute message from Erica which would turn me around. I didn't. I planned to get the girl to help me translate some of the texts.

I walked in and the door was opened by the usual guy I'd see all the time when I went to see Naby. I was shown about five girls. None were really lookers. Or at least not Naby's standards. The one in the middle held eye contact with me. I thought about going with her but the eye contact was too much, maybe it showed desperation. I ended up picking the girl on the right, called Sophia.

We walked up the stairs, and went into a room. In the shower, she told me she was studying business in Korea, and said she had been here for about four months. She said it was boring here.

Lying on my stomach on the bed, she asked me how old I was. She said she was 25, and I said she was young. She said because I said that, she guessed I was 32. When I said lower, she said 30.

Her kisses on the back were done in haste, and so were the kisses on the front after I turned around. She got on top and was going really fast, and at one point actually hurt me a bit. When I got on top, I started kissing her breasts and then entered her and finished shortly after.

Lying down, I asked how her Korean was. She said it was good and I asked if she could help me. She said yes and that was when I showed her the messages. She translated the earlier 'fight' messages first, and made it sound like Erica hadn't been reluctant and that she wanted to see me.

She also translated older messages, and one revelation was that message where she invited me to eat and drink in the morning. She said that wasn't an invitation; Erica was just telling me she was going to eat and drink, hence the 'exclamation mark' emoticon and repeating my message in English, to show she didn't understand.

Ohhhhhhhh...so that's what she said.

No fucking wonder she didn't want to see me when I got out to the city.

She also translated other messages which showed Erica didn't want to go to work (which I knew about), and that she had some pain in her hip (which I didn't know about). She also said one of the more recent messages told/asked me to have a happy day, which I had initially interpreted as her having a happy day, and leading me to ask why, to which she replied no, that she was tired.

She said Erica was telling me her schedule was hard and out of her control, and that the day before she had to prepare her hair or something. She added that their job is very tiring, involving moving the body a lot.

Sophia tried to communicate something to me, saying our conversations were something, with her beating her chest. She said "stuffy" but didn't mean that. She tried to translate using my translator but the voice recognition thing kept getting her words wrong.

I tried to explain to her I was frustrated because I wanted to see Erica on Christmas or new year's eve. She said maybe she has to work to earn money because it is all spent, and added that she herself spent all her money in Korea. I tried to say Erica could at least ask for a day off, and she said every girl has a different schedule, and that some girls even work 11 days in a row and then take the 12th day off. I was quite shocked. Looks like I had read too many assumptions into our situation.

It was quite eye opening in one sense to have these translations. I told Sophia that the translation app was maybe about 90% correct, she said it was more like 50%. I told her Erica was in her industry, which I had assumed she knew. Another assumption.

After our shower together at the end, I got dressed and she asked if my name was [insert name here] as she had gleaned it from the messages.

I walked out of the shop, thinking I had gotten mad over nothing. I should've been more understanding. I was now on my way to meet the boys, but my phone was low on battery.

I caught a bus back to the city, and from there I walked to another bus stop to take a bus to meet the boys. During this walk, I decided to send her an apology. I saw she had just sent me one of those game messages, and I replied saying:

"Erica
I am sorry about earlier
sometimes I get wrong translation
me idiot"

With emoticons of a dog holding flowers and one with he dog saying sorry. I wasn't even sure if I needed to apologise. Did she even know I was mad?

She replied, with the translated texts being:

"I do not know what you're talking
Earlier story did something wrong?
Did not want to accidentally funny"

I said "haha do not worry, I am idiot"

She replied with a confused emoticon, and I just sent a smiley emoticon.

I met Shuing at the Indonesian restaurant, as he was too hungry to wait. We walked to Malay's house and waited, then went to pick up Brain. We went to eat at an Indian restaurant. I found Shuing to be a bit too over the top, as he started laughing really hard at memories only he found funny, like stealing money as kids working in the canteen. Malay was more tolerant than I was.

We then moved to a cafeteria for coffee. We started talking business ideas. Malay mentioned some voice recorders being sold cheaply and suggested we could try to re-sell them. Shuing tried to get us to sign up for some sports bet thing that would net us a "free" $500. I took a photo of my dessert and sent it to Erica this morning.

Then I watched The Dark Knight Rises, which was quite inspirational. Combined with the translations from Sophia, I felt a bit more free, and not as clingy or needy with Erica. So with that, I walked to the gym for a work out, and afterwards bought a fruit salad and went to the uni to check out their notice boards, to see if it'd be a good place to advertise the voice recorders.

I remember Egghead telling me he deleted his facebook account because he felt like a slave to it. I never quite understood what he meant. In one way I sorta did, but thought maybe a more appropriate term would be "addicted".

Anyway, I had gone off to the gym without my phone, and now I felt free. I didn't feel like I needed to check my phone every two minutes to see if Erica had replied or checked my messages.

However, I guess that sense of freedom didn't last too long. When I returned home, the first thing I did was turn the internet on my phone on, to see if Erica had seen my photo. She hadn't, but it appears she did soon after, at about 2:20pm. She didn't reply. I felt disappointed, but what could she said? I didn't even say anything to accompany the photo. Maybe now she was afraid to say anything for fear of further mis-communications.

At 2:36pm I sent messages saying "this is nutella bread roll, you know nutella?"

She hasn't read the messages yet.

My 2012 financial position

Last night I ended up catching a bus out to the city. While getting dressed, I had contemplated going to Naby's shop or the casino. I wasn't sure, maybe I'd do neither, but I just felt like going out to get some air. In fact, I kinda wanted to go to the wharfs to sit down, but at this time of night it might be a bit dangerous to be alone there, especially given what I saw there with Erica the other night.

Anyway, I found myself getting off the bus in the city, and almost subconsciously re-tracing the path I walked with Erica. Or maybe this was just the usual path I always took to the casino.

I walked along the bridge, and thought about our walk there. I decided to turn away from the casino and walked into Darling Harbour. I went past Hurricanes, where I saw us waiting outside for our table, and her showing me the wrist she injured in Korea.

I ended up sitting in front of the water where the common area is in front of the harbour. There were a few people sitting there by themselves as well.

At first I played games on my phone, then I kept checking for a message from Erica. She still hadn't seen the picture I sent.

I contemplated what to do. To my left, was the casino. The thought of winning a couple of hundred dollars was alluring. The thought of being approached by security guards was not. I also thought, if indeed I could freely go in and play, what would that lead to next year? More gambling? In effect, you got paid $500 to never go back. Seems like a good deal to me.

To my right, was the path to a massage shop. I could always go for a massage I suppose? Or maybe Naby's shop? I thought about going there so I could hit two birds with one stone - get sex, and ask the girl to translate some of the messages for me.

But no, that would be cheating.

But what about your massage the other day?

That doesn't count. I never went there with the intention of starting something new. With the massage shop or Naby's shop now, it could.

A very logical thought then occurred to me - you can't say she was ignoring your message, because she just hasn't seen it. If she had seen it and then not replied, then you would have cause for grief. But maybe she was just busy? Maybe her phone was out of battery?

There were a lot of possibilities, but I can't go on a mental wreck everytime one pops up. I also can't go visit another girl everytime my insecurity arises, because I'd be a very poor man.

Anyway, I sat there for a while longer before decided to leave. For some reason I felt like buying something, anything. I wanted to buy Sleeping Dogs but JB was closed. I was thirsty and wanted a drink, but didn't get one.

I went home, played a game of 2K13, then went to bed with the internet on my phone switched on. I woke up in the middle of the night to check, and still nothing.

So given this period of relative inactivity, I might as well blog about my financial position at the end of the year. As at 20/12/12, when I last got paid and updated my position, I had about $8000 in shares and $6000 in cash, netting about $14,000 in net position. Sure, a lot of that is my dad's, but it sure is a hell of a lot better than being in net debt position at this time last year.

My plan is to have about $20,000 cash by end of next year. With that, I intend to either go to the bar, or start some sort of business.

Some sage advice

Sorry, I did it again =(

After telling myself to not contact her for today, I broke that promise. I feel bad, and I should feel bad (insert Zoidberg meme here).

In afternoon at 12:47pm, I was playing that Korean game she introduced me to, and finally got a score higher than her in one of the mini-games. Whenever you get a high score it allows you to send people a message on Kakaotalk to 'show-off'. I couldn't miss this opportunity so I did it.

It wasn't read for a very long time. In fact, I managed to go to the gym, come back, go out to Bondi to get a new steering wheel cover, and come back, before it showed she checked the message at about 3:30pm.

Then at 4:49pm, I was missing her so badly, I sent her a picture of a teddy bear with the words "I sure miss you a lot!".

I wonder if I am being too clingy? It's now 8:36pm and she hasn't checked the message. She also doesn't appear to have played the game lately either, so maybe she has had a busy day, though it is only up to my imagination as to what could possibly cause her to be so busy as to not even be able to check her phone.

Anyway, last night while I was up, I posted my problems at the usual forum, seeking some advice, and I got some sage advice, which I'd like to post here as a reminder:

Everyone is a bit unsure about how a SO feels about them or vice versa, especially in the early innings. From reading your posts, I'd say that what happens is you tend to take what are essentially small things and thoughts and over analyse them and blow them out of all proportion. That's partly because you appear to have the habit of setting up rules and tests and meanings for you and the people around you that aren't know to or shared by others. For instance, you mention trying to keep texts to a "weekly thing." I'm left asking why and is she aware?

... 

What I see is a normal fear of rejection and/or intimate relationships that is running high above normal levels and just keeps you from letting things happen as they will. In other words, you are expecting rejection so readying yourself for it by controlling circumstances and inventing rules that pretty much any girl will run aground of. This doesn't make you a bad person at all. Perhaps it indicates you are a sensitive person who is too down on himself, i.e., for some reason you don't quite believe you deserve a good relationship so you self sabotage.

How to change that mindset? Well it takes some serious self-examination and learning to develop unconditional friendship for yourself. Also, perhaps learning to curb your tendency to over interpret. And, above all, learning that failures are not so bad. In fact, they are essential steps to success. That endeavour will likely go faster and be more successful if you get help with it. 

Also:

Zen, the "unconditional friendship for oneself" is one translation of the Buddhist term "maitri." One of the things the meditation practices can teach is how to develop that. The focus for the Tibetans is to develop that loving kindness and compassion for all beings. They generally hove no problem with holding that attitude to themselves. But the lamas have found that Westerners have so many wounds to loving themselves that the start with developing self compassion first for us foreigners. Typically it means learning to regard yourself with curiosity, gentleness, and no judgement.

I am trying to keep those things in mind, especially trying to free myself of my own 'rules'. Everytime I do it I feel a bit better, but always instinctively revert back to them. I also gotta admit, the casino is sure creeping back into my mind now. Part of me wants to test to see whether they actually did end up taking any serious action against me about that $500, but the larger part of me doesn't really want to be bashed in a casino backroom.

Oh yeah, I also saw today that Erica's shop had updated their roster. I'm not sure when it starts, but it shows she is working Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Hmmm...guess she didn't manage to get the weekend off. But if the Monday shown on that roster refers to this coming Monday, ie. 31st, then she's not working, and it makes me think maybe she asked for that day off to spend with me?

What makes me think that day might be the 31st? Only five girls working, as opposed to the ten the day before.

Guess I will ask her when she responds.

 

Get ready to get burnt?

So I met up with the guys today. I went to the city early to first drop off the games I'd be returning to Thai in the office, then went to check out JB. Heaps of people. I decided to walk to Myer, but on the way there was even more people. In fact, in the QVB tunnel, it was so jam packed that traffic just stopped a few times.

I got out of there asap and decided to abandon my course. Instead, I found a place to sit in Darling Harbour, just playing games on my mobile and waiting for a reply from Erica. After sending her an emoticon early in the morning, she replied with a 'cold' emoticon. I asked if she was cold, and she said she was. She said she was going to have a happy day today, and when I asked why, she said no, and that she was tired. Poor translation I guess. I asked her if she was working today, and that was the reply I was waiting for. No reply for about two hours.

Anyway, met with Thai first, then Brain and Shuing shortly after. We went to Gloria Jeans near Central and sat down for a drink. I was bracing myself for questions, but it never really came. I guess I was partly relieved, and partly disappointed. Instead, we talked about the usual stuff like catching up and various other topics like G, money, life, and Shuing's new phone.

Anyway, I suggested that we go get Shuing a screen cover for his new phone, so we headed off when we finished our drinks. On the way Brain did mention something about my facebook profile photo, and I just said I had a new friend. I wanted him to probe more, and he probably wanted to as well, but didn't know how to, and so that was the extent of it.

We got the cover, then went upstairs to play some games at Galaxy while waiting for Malay. I bought a $20 card and we shared some games. I tried to get an Angry Bird toy for Erica, and then decided it was probably a bit much, seeing I've already shown her a photo of the other one I got.

We played Daytona, which remains a classic to this day. Malay then called and said he missed his alarm and had only just woke up. I said we'd come to where he is, so we headed off, and on the way I picked up the games (Uncharted 1 and 2, Heavy Rain) from the office to give to Thai.

We caught the bus, then went to the shop on the main street for some food. I put in $5 for some chips, and Thai bought it. I noticed Brain didn't chip in - again, although he was more than eager to later get change to chip in for the lotto ticket we bought earlier (only when there's a chance he'll lose out). Just from that, I've concluded he's a tightass, rather than being socially inept.

Malay arrived, and bought an extra plate of chips to share. We chatted for a while, before realising the shop was closing and we decided to move to Chinksford at my suggestion, since Malay had a car. We went to that Malaysian dessert place, where Erica was brought up again (by I think Thai, or Shuing?).

I said I had met her a few months ago via a friend, although she went to Korea for about a month and a half. I said we went out once or twice before dating, and had been dating for a few months. I said she was 24 and asked the guys if I looked too old for her. From Malay's expression, it was a yes and he joked if she was legal, but Thai (who always makes a fair call) said she did look 24 and it didn't look out of range, but someone said my glasses made me look old.

That was pretty much the extent of it, and I think I passed the interrogation, although I'm going to have to work on the timing better if it comes up again.

Anyway, Malay was good enough to drop off Shuing first, then Brain, then Thai at Central, then me.

IAt about 9:30pm, I sent Erica a photo of the ice cream I had. She replied with "ha ha ha" less than 10 minutes later, and I said I'd take her to have a big ice cream next time. I went to sleep, and woke up at about 1:30am, finding myself checking for messages.

There was one. She said "ok." at 10:41pm.

The brevity of that message affected me. My first and immediate thought was "was she losing interest?"

That concern was now hanging over my head. I began feeling depressed. Even a little bit sick, like I wanted to throw up. I started thinking, am I just setting myself up to get burnt by putting all my eggs in one basket? Wasn't this the problem with Naby, and I told myself never to do it again?

Here's the thing - I can't afford to go mental over this, because 1) I don't want to return to work (especially with the new boss around) with a distraction, and 2) I realised that I actually don't have many more days off during this one week holiday and I'd like to make the most of it, instead of worrying about things.

The solution, I thought, was perhaps to start seeing another girl. It'd be a bit costly, but at least that'd give me a cushion in case things with Erica went bad. You know, I can see myself totally losing it if things did go bad. Either I'd return to the casino, or go extreme punting.

The other side of me, the more rational side, tried to give an explanation. Maybe, because earlier you also said you'd take her to the beach next time, she was getting a bit tired of all this "next time" banter. Or maybe, she was just busy at work. Or maybe, she just wanted to end the conversation, like you sometimes do. Or maybe, it was just a language barrier thing.

You know what, at least she replied. Had she looked at the message and not replied, I swear I'd be off right now. I'd probably be driving out to shops to punt this over. Perhaps even a small chance of crying.

I started wondering if her short answers were a sign of something, and then realised, wait a minute, can you honestly say she gives short answers (in the plural)? Because I don't think you can. Just today she said she was tired and something else about a happy/unhappy day. So maybe I'm being too sensitive.

Anyway, for now, the plan is not to contact her tomorrow (Thursday). I figure, if she started work on Saturday, she might work until Friday and have a day off Saturday (pure assumption on my part), or she might have a day off on Friday.

Either way, I could go without contact tomorrow, then ask her on Friday if she knows when she has a day off. I'm sure I'd get one of those game messages tomorrow, but just ignore it. If she says she's not available on Friday or Saturday, maybe ignore that?

I don't know. But I think right now, you have to set your expectations low, ie. not expect anything.

My annual Christmas day training

Like all (or most?) past Christmas days, yesterday I went out to the courts in the morning for some training/practice. However, unlike past Christmas days, it wasn't very hot. In fact, it was cloudy and very windy.

I managed to get in suicides as a warm up, some Latrell Sprewell mix-inspired fast breaks, dribbling drills and some jump rope, before leaving. There was a guy there before me, which I was surprised at. Anyway, I felt good having done it, always feels peaceful, especially when the walk to and back is quiet cause everyone is at home during Christmas (ie. less traffic).

It turned out to be a good thing I went so early, cause it started raining later afternoon/early evening. I spent the rest of the day playing 2K13 and started on Batman.

I don't know why, but since the messages with Erica on Monday, I felt a bit down. I couldn't help but feel a bit rejected, even though in truth it was probably due to her schedule which is out of her control. So I decided not to contact her for the day, maybe just to give us both some space, even though I did start yearning for some contact initiated by her. I thought about sending her a Merry Christmas message, but didn't want to initiate as it might show desperation.

Just as I began feeling like that, she sent through a message. At first it was one of those game messages sending me an extra turn, which I decided to ignore, but then moments later she sent me a Merry Christmas video of a teddy bear. Now this is where I need help - as soon as I got it, I felt like I was being suffocated and that I wanted some space from her, even though just moments earlier I had been yearning for some contact from her. Dysfunctional? Indeed.

I watched the video, feeling happy, and then sent her a message wishing her a Merry Xmas and also a photo of a Christmas tree I took in Martin Place, saying that is what I had wanted to show her. She said "thank you!!!" and I left it at that.

So I guess, from all this, I can gather at least that she doesn't mind contacting me. I mean, if she didn't want contact from me, why would she send me that video? And I checked, you can't send mass messages on Kakaotalk, so she sent it individually to me.

This morning, it was raining a bit but when it stopped, I went for a jog. I managed to do one lap, even though I felt bloated from whatever I had last night. I must say, it was a struggle during the run. For about half the time I spent it following this blonde chick jogging at my pace, but when I sensed the end I sped up and went past her. I felt like I could've kept going, but one lap is always enough for me.

I'm gonna meet Shuing, Malay, Brain and Thai later today, so gotta get ready to come up with some story about Erica since I have our photo as my profile picture (not very well thought through, was it?). Get ready for the interrogation.

The Christmas eve disappointment

Yesterday I decided to walk to the gym, and sure enough, at 12:30pm she messaged me saying she fell asleep. I joked I was still downstairs, and she said she was drying her hair or something. I think she may have thought I was still available to meet up, but I just said I was going to the gym and I'd be finished at 1:30pm.

So yesterday I had it all mentally planned out - because she had asked me out for food and beer at 6am after her work, I assumed this was a good time for her. So I had planned to meet with her at 4am after her work on Tuesday, seeing Monday would be my last day at work, and then we'd eat at Superbowl, then I'd drive her to La Perouse, playing some Korean music in my car, and we'd watch the sun rise.

Perfect.

So today, when I woke up, literally the first thing I did was reach for my phone and send her a message, saying we could meet tonight after her work. I then walked to work, and by the time I got to the office, there was still no reply.

It was a bit of a quiet day, seeing it was the last day of the year the office would be open. I was actually the first one in, even though I got there at 8:20am. There was really only me, DS, Genie, Canda, Helen (briefly before she left because her mom locked herself out), Steve and Jim. I kept mainly to myself, although Genie came around for a chat. Normally I'd be welcome to it, but subconsciously I felt a bit stand off-ish. Maybe it was because I felt like she was starting to like me and I didn't want to give the wrong impression, or maybe my mind was too occupied with Erica. I don't know.

I found it funny that DS continued to do his laps, especially around my corner when I was the only one there. Can't make it any more obvious that you're checking up on me DS.

Contrary to popular belief, I did quite a bit of work for the last day. Not only did I do the usual spring cleaning, but I caught up on some minor stuff and read up on and prepared two new files. At lunch I went out to look for a Korean CD. She said she liked ballad, and I googled Korean ballad and got some names. I ended up getting a band called SG Wannabe for $24.

On my way back to the office, clenching my phone in my wrist waiting for a message, it finally vibrated and made that Korean version of the ICQ "uh-oh" sound.

Yes!

I sat down at my desk with my box of sushi before reading it. From what I could make of it, it sounded like she had a friend go off to Korea and so she ended up drinking and eating too much, so she couldn't meet.

Hmmm...bummer.

I (desperately?) suggested coming out now during my lunch hour. I pictured sitting in the lobby to her apartment with her, feeding her my sushi pieces. She said something about having to wake up at 5pm.

I was getting a little frustrated at all these no's. But I told myself to stay patient and understand this was her work. Only a few days ago I told her I understood. But I guess getting all these no's was just naturally frustrating. I reasoned, however, that I'd feel the same frustrations even if my requests were unreasonable. Like if I had asked her to come out at 6am, 8am, or 9am and she said no, I'd probably get angry, even though I was the one being unreasonable.

The other thing is, I had set up this high expectation in my head of what we'd do tomorrow, and now I was being told that it wasn't going to happen. Gotta manage my own expectations better.

I said I hoped to see her on the weekend, as she'd previously said she'd try to get the weekend off to spend "long" with me. That did sound encouraging. She said she'd try to see when she'd get time off.

I realised I was being a little pushy and thought about apologising, but didn't, just to keep the 'man image' up.

One thing to her credit though, is I don't think she's ever played games. You know, like deliberately delaying in responding to my messages. Maybe it's because Kakaotalk shows whether the message has been read or not, but she responds as soon as she reads it.

Even though we could leave work at 2pm, I finished at 3:30pm and went to the gym. I didn't really feel like it. The disappointment made me just want to go home and play video games and/or sulk. But doing my exercises at the gym actually started making me feel better. My thinking became clearer, and I became calmer. I decided that her interest was genuine and she wasn't trying to fob me off after getting an iPad off me.

I'd be disappointed if I don't get to see her during my holiday, but guess I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

Near end?

 On Friday night, she continued the chat by sending a dancing emoticon. The rest followed:

Me @ 7:25pm - you finish sleep?
Her @ 7:26pm - yes. ha ha ha
Me @ 7:28pm - haha
want to try mono rail? :)
Her @ 7:28pm - yes.nex time. ha (happy emoticon)
Me @ 7:30pm - I enjoyed last night (laugh emoticon)
Her @ 7:31pm - Starting tomorrow, I do not want to bother you, but out of real're ㅜㅜ

Huh? What does that mean? Does she not want to see me anymore?

In hindsight, I wonder if what she meant was "starting work tomorrow, I don't want to bother you" instead of "from tomorrow on I do not want to bother you".

Me @ 7:49pm - ??
you are no bother
I like spending time with you (smiley face)
Her @ 8:23pm - me too (heart eyes emoticon)
Me @ 8:24pm - your last message
I do not understand

Gee, do you really want to go back to it? Looks like you could've moved on...

Her @ 8:25pm - (crying emoticon)
[translated: I'm done?]
[translated: from tomorrow I'm working.]
[translated: I do not want to make it work ryeoni]
[translated: Saturday and Sunday a break huh?]

Does she want a break from me?

Now I was in a bit of panic mode. I didn't want to leave room for any mis-interpretations, so thought it might be better to talk face to face.

Me @ 8:28pm - are you free to meet tonight? (smiley face)
Her @ 8:33pm - ha ha ha
[translated: days from today, tomorrow I need to continue to sleep (riding bike emoticon)]
Me @ 8:34pm - ok
But
I want to continue seeing you (smiley face)
you make me happy (smiley face)
Her @ 8:36pm - me too
ha ha ha (eyes wide open emoticon)
(dancing and pointing at me emoticon)
[translated: heh]
Me @ 8:38pm - I understand your work
we can meet when you are free (smiley face)
last night I sleep very happy
hahaha

Her @ 8:39pm - ha ha ha
[translated: for the time being, it has to work harder..]
(crying emoticon)
[translated: go to like the beach]

She then sent me two photos, one she took of me at dinner, and the other of the snowman we saw in a shop window.

Me @ 8:44pm - hahaha
please don't be sad
I want you to be happy (smiley face)
Maybe your day off
we can meet
we can work something out (smiley face)

Her @ 8:47pm - [translated: I'm happy David encounters]
Day off, I look

From thereon we continued chatting but moved onto other topics. If she was talking about not seeing each other, I may have saved it. But already now, after one date, you can see the potential for trouble. One of the other things she said later on was she wanted me to teach her English.

So yesterday after going to the courts in the morning, I went out to the city to look for a suitable book that I could use to teach her English. I went to Kinokuniya first, and found one that had a lot of pictures and taught the basics, so thought that was a good one, but I wanted to check out other stores first.

I went to Dymocks and couldn't find anything there, then remembered that I got a nice Korean-English dictionary for another girl before (the one in between Naby) from the Broadway Dymocks. Even though it was a bit of a walk, I decided to go. It was basically going from one end of the city to another.

Anyway, she had texted me at about 3:30pm saying she was starting work and had a crying emoticon. I had thought we'd (or at least, I) be happy not to contact each other on this day, just to get a bit of a break from one another, but she obviously felt ok for such continuous contact.

I tried not to think about her work, but what really hurt me was how much she didn't like it. I guess I could turn a blind eye easier if she was at least ok with her job, but by the sound of things she really disliked it.

I texted her saying I was looking for a book for her to teach her English. I got to Broadway and checked out JB Hi-fi. Once I went in, I realised that this was where Dymocks was supposed to be! I recognised the extra large lay out and the slope you get to once you reach the middle of the store.

I told myself not to buy anything, since I needed to save every dollar I could for Erica.

I then found Dymocks had re-located to another store within the shopping centre, a smaller store. I found the dictionary and got it, then walked back to Kinokuniya to get that other book. I did consider not going, because it was such a long walk back, but thinking about Erica gave me some motivation.

So I got the book, then caught the bus and went home.

This morning I woke up at about 7:30am and saw she had sent me a message at 6am asking if I wanted to meet for some food and beer. I texted back yes, and thought we had agreed to meet, but when I drove out there, she wasn't picking up or responding.

I think my usual response would be to get angry, but I tried to understand, and I think she just fell asleep. She did say she needed yto wake up at 11.

Anyway, I decided to make good use of my time by taking some personal stuff out of the office and taking my shirts for a wash, so I went to the dry cleaners as well. I decided if I got home and she still hadn't responded, then I'd return the car to my dad, since there was now no point in hogging it for the day, which is what ended up happening, and hence why I'm here.

While I was out at the city this morning, I walked around looking for a place we could go for food and alcohol. It surprised me how quiet it was. I began looking around and suspecting that any Asian girl walking around at this time of day in the city would be a working girl. I looked into some cafes opened at this hour, looking for Asian girls, and almost expecting them to be drinking, laughing and partying. I don't know why, I always seem to think their lives are filled with parties and sex, but maybe it's not that exciting after all.

Best night of my life?

Yesterday I started the morning in court, meeting SM for a costs thing. Like Nom, the first thing she said when she saw me was something about my being completely bald. Hmmm.

The matter got stood down a couple of times and so we went to the cafeteria. She bought me my drink the first time, and then I shouted her the next time, although she said I was breaking rules by paying.

At about 10:00am I felt my phone vibrate, but I didn't answer. About an hour later, I missed another call. When I got the chance to check, it was Erica calling.

Huh? What does she want? Is she back already? Or is she in trouble? Why do I always think negative things?

I called back at 12:30pm when I was done at court and back in the office, but there was no answer. I worked the rest of the day wondering what was up and waiting for a call back, but assumed she may have been in transit or something.

At 5pm, I called again but no answer. I kept working as I had to do a minute on what happened during the day (costs of $55k). Half an hour later I couldn't hold it any longer and messaged her, asking if she called. At 7:14pm, she replied back, saying she had. I asked why and she said "drink". Apparently she had come back to Sydney in the morning.

I was walking through the city as I went to get a cover and protection cover for my iPad mini screen when I called her. I asked if she wanted to come out for dinner and she sorta seemed hesitant. I didn't think she'd say yes, and in fact she said something like no, but I played around and kept playfully asking. Finally she said yes and said she'd have to shower first and would finish in an hour.

Oh my god...is this really happening?

I hung up and started walking back to the office. I almost couldn't believe it. We were finally going to meet outside the shop.

I sat in the office playing around with my iPad mini, waiting for her to call. I couldn't wait any longer in there so went downstairs to the lobby and sat on the stairs playing on my phone. I waited until 9pm, and thought about calling it off, but then she texted asking where I wanted to meet. I said G-Star and then, funnily enough, my phone broke down.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF...

I started walking to G-Star, hoping she'd know where it was and that she knew I'd be there. I sat down midway through to fix my phone and finally got it working. I went to G-Star and looked around, checking my phone. She sent me a message about her phone not working, lol, as obviously she had tried to call me and thought the problem was with her phone.

Finally she called me and asked me where I was. I said near Hungry Jacks and that's when I saw her - I had forgotten what she looked like, but I recognised her immediately. She was a bit shorter than I thought, but I could now definitely recognise the face. We walked toward each other and when we met, she kinda kept walking towards the Chinatown end of the city while I asked her what she wanted to eat. I think she was a little nervous. She didn't want to eat Japanese, but said she was ok with steak and added that we could go with whatever I wanted. I said something about her hair being very red.

I led her in the opposite direction and joked she made me wait an hour and a half, and she laughed. We talked a bit, and at around the convenience store past Hungry Jack's, I held out my hand and she took it.

OH MY GOD YES!!!

I couldn't believe it. I was holding hands...with a girl...walking in the city. I finally felt like I was one of those couples you see everywhere in the city. I asked her if she came back today and she said yes, that she wanted to drink at 11am, and she ended up drinking with her room mate and went to sleep.

She asked me how old I was, and I said 30, and she asked me what my job was. When I said lawyer, she laughed, and kept asking me. Apparently "lawyer" sounds like some other word in Korean. She took out her phone, a big Samsung S3, and opened up a translation app, and that was how she learnt my occupation. She said it was good.

I decided to take her to Sydney Tower for dinner. When we were close enough, I pointed it to out to her. We went past some street dancers and stopped to watch a bit. She took a photo but it wasn't very good. We went into the shopping centre and she started getting amazed at all the shops, saying she just works and sleeps, so hasn't been here before.

When we got to the reception desk, I was told the restaurant was closed. Grrrr.

We walked off, and I began mentally scrambling for a Plan B. I decided to take her to Darling Harbour. We walked there still holding hands, and she laughed a lot like a crazy girl, which is what I like about her. Sometimes we would hold hands like we'd grab each other's palm, and sometimes our fingers would intertwine. I think I like the latter better.

On our way she pointed out this bar near Shuing's old bank, and I asked if she wanted to eat there so we went to check it out, but as we got closer she said it was just a bar, and there was no food, so we resumed our path towards Darling Harbour.

When she saw the water, she said it was beautiful. We walked across the bridge and she wanted to take a photo. I said I'd take one of her, but we ended up taking one of us together. I was kinda shocked, I guess in the back of my mind I always thought she didn't want us to be seen together and didn't want any evidence of such.

I was in heaven with that photo. It was soooo adorable as we both made faces, lol.

I took her to Hurricanes, where we waited for a few minutes for a table. When we got a table, it was a two seater outdoors but you couldn't feel the wind. I ordered a steak for both of us (one with mash, and one with chips as I wasn't sure what she'd like), she had a Corona and I had a Heineken. Amazingly, even despite the language barrier, conversation went extremely well and there were lots of laughs. I thought this went better than those online dates I used to go on. Some of the things we talked about were:

- she showed me a photo of her brother. He looked like he was in a costume, and she said he was an actor on tv. Wow, why would a celebrity's sibling need to be in a job like this?
- we talked about (joked?) me going to Korea next time. Then she said she wanted to go to Hong Kong for shopping, and I said we go together. She asked when, and I said June. She said ok, and we did a pinkie handshake to cement the promise.
- I asked her to show me how she played that app game to get such high scores, and she showed me. I was pretty amazed at how fast she could tap the screen with her fingers. She laughed at my low score and showed me how low I was ranked amongst her friends, lol. I showed her how my one stopped working.
- she asked why I didn't have a girlfriend in the past. I knew what she meant, but took it to mean why I didn't have a girlfriend now, so I said "you", after reading her translation on her phone. She asked about the past, I said I was busy with studying and working.
- she joked for me to work at her shop.
- she said she was going to stop working in November, and I gave her a high five. She said that was when her visa expires, and said something about marrying me. Geez, a bit too blunt? I asked her what she was going to do after that, and she said she didn't know. I gotta admit, I'd consider marrying her even if she just wanted to stay longer, but NOT if she was going to continue her line of work.
- I gave her the iPad in a bag, wrapped, and said Merry Christmas. I asked her to guess and said it was a box of chocolates. The waitress was standing there watching as she opened up the box, and said it was a really nice present. I thought she stood there a bit too long.
- I asked her to take NYE off work so we could watch fireworks, although not sure if she understood.
- She said she plays the pokies, and plays $70 each time.

She would sometimes feed me a piece of her steak, and I would make an expression like it was the best tasting thing I'd ever eaten, even though the last few pieces were cold. But I mean it, sometimes food can taste great purely due to the context of eating it.

As we neared the end of the meal, I found myself thinking too much, leading to a bit more silence and avoiding eye contact. I paid the bill, which was an alright $88, then we left. She stopped at the end of the bridge to have a cigarette. After she lit it up, I suggested we start walking. She said in Korea, girls have to smoke in secret, but men can be quite blatant with their own smoking. I wanted to show her the wharfs, but on our way there we saw a bunch of guys fighting, so we turned around and walked away.

We walked back through Darling Harbour and I showed her the Christmas tree, and we took some more photos together. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I walked her back to her apartment and on the way, I heard her phone ring, it was like a message tone, several of them, and she said it was Kakaotalk. Also on the way, on Liverpool Street, there was a girl in front of us and she pointed to her. I said I liked Erica. She asked me whether I liked Aussie girl, and I leaned in and said I like Erica. She touched my head a few times in an affectionate way. We also saw a BMW and she said it was a nice car. I said the plates were "BABYGO" and gestured pushing a baby away and saying go, and she laughed. She also held onto my arm, and I could feel her hugging it close to her left breast.

She wanted to keep walking me to my bus stop, but then at the traffic light we said our goodbyes. I think there was an opportunity to kiss, and she was waiting for it, but I got scared and just waved goodbye. Idiot. She said to talk on Kakaotalk.

I waited for the bus and got home at 2am. After I got home, she had sent me a message saying she was grateful for the iPad.

New boss

Yesterday I had lunch with Ogre, Gonaz, Genie and Maria. The four of us walked from our office to the pub to meet Ogre, and for the first part of the walk Maria was walking with me and we were having this nice conversation, and then at the lights she just leaves and talks to Genie and Gonaz. Fuck. And strange.

Ogre showed up shortly after we arrived, and it was good to see her. It hasn't been so long that we feel distant yet, but I know that time will come. She seemed happy, and we all talked about the new movements, with the new boss moving into Mary's room, and work in Gonaz's and Maria's branch.

At the end of the lunch Ogre gave us small gifts - lollies from Happy Lab and a Christmas card. I had thought about buying her something but didn't think this was the gift giving type of lunch. Oh well, at least I wasn't the only one.

In the afternoon at 4:30pm everyone went down to level 8 to meet the new boss Robert. I had never seen so many people in this meeting room before. If only everyone was so dedicated to attend CLEs.

Anyway, I found his talk to be refreshing and slightly inspirational. He said we have a story to tell and we have to do a better job of telling it. He said he wants to get to know us, and I thought he took some swipes at the old boss, saying he wanted to be based on level 11 because he couldn't see how it was possible to work from such a remote location as level 26.

Although I liked his speech, a small part of me was cynical and wondered if this was all bullshit. Afterall, the old boss said a lot of crap but never lived up to it. Was this just another instance of it? Only time will tell I guess, but his first action (moving in Mary's room) certainly backed up his words for now.

After I got changed, Clare asked me a question as she prepared for her assist list the next day. We ended up gossiping with the door closed, and I found it slightly uncomfortable with her sitting on the floor, her legs exposed, and she took off her jacker, now exposing her arms and slight cleavage. A part of me wondered if she was flirting, but she's too sensible to do anything like that.

Today
As I walked to work this morning, I felt like I was starting to come to my senses.

Man fuck that, I ain't spending $2000 on a trip to Melbourne. I'll buy the iPad, send her a photo of it, and if she doesn't come back for it, then it's mine. You can see a lot of different girls for that amount of money. It ain't worth it.

So with that, it was partly settled.

I started the day in court, filling in for Mary, waiting around for the jury. I stayed at court reading the transcripts, and bumped into Mot. I brought up about going to the bar and he said something about thinking of doing the exam in February (great, so I'll definitely be the last), but then my barista turned up and I had to leave the conversation.

Anyway, I had to go up a few levels later to pass on a message to Clare and bumped into Nom. I told her about the bar as well, and she seemed to think it was the right time, and said I shouldn't leave it too late. The first thing she said, however, was how I'd lost all my hair. Great. Maybe it was just me, but she seemed a bit nervous talking to me. Either that or she didn't really want to stay and talk.

I went back to the office at lunchtime, then went to Medicare for a refund at lunch, bought a box of sushi and ate it back in the office. As I left my room to chuck out the sushi box, I bumped into Nikila and asked her how Friday was after the party, and we started talking. She mentioned she ducked out during lunch to look for christmas presents but couldn't find any, and I suggested a website for her. Then I noticed Nunjo had closed her door.

Was she jealous? She would've seen us talking at the party, so maybe she thinks I'm trying to chat Nikila up?

Later on, Helen came to my room to talk about my minute. I felt like she was interrogating me, but I think I was just being defensive. I think she just genuinely wanted to know more. I did realise, however, that she couldn't read a bail report. Hmmm. Not sure how well I'm going to take to someone being more incompetent than me being my supervisor.

Also chatting to Alanna via IM today, and she revealed so much goss - like how the new boss Robert doesn't get along with DS or Jim. Wow, that's going to be exciting to see. She also thought that Helen was more deserving of the acting role than Nunjo, which I initially disagreed with but she reasoned that you can't act up someone already acting up, especially when there is a permanent there. Makes sense. She also seemed to think if Nunjo was going to be permanent it would've already been done by now, and that the office was obviously trying to send her a message.

After work I met up with Ele to go buy the iPads. She had Laura with her, and we went to DJ's together, although Laura went to check out the shoes, so Ele and I went to the electronics. We waited a while before being served, and while waiting, she told me a story about her husband's friend, how he bought this girl a necklace from Tiffany's wanting her to be his girlfriend, she took it but refused to be his girlfriend. I said "why would he buy something for a girl that wasn't his girlfriend?"

Ah, the hypocrisy.

At the time I thought she was just telling me a story, but now that I think about it, was she trying to hint to me that I shouldn't buy an iPad for a girl? Was it that obvious?

When we were finally served, there were some complications with the payment.

First, the guy told us that we couldn't pay by credit if we were using the staff discount.

Uh oh. Looks like we'll have to come back.

But Ele cleverly suggested that I use my credit card to buy gift voucher cards which in turn would then be used to buy the iPads. Very clever.

So that took a bit of time. And then the guy asked Ele to sign the staff discount form, and she hesitated.

Oh my god, she doesn't know how to sign as her friend on the card!

She signed her Chinese name, and the guy compared it but didn't say anything.

Then when the payment for her one was being done, she had her own credit card in her name and asked if she could use that, but the guy said no, because it'd be fraud to use someone else's credit card. But we ended up using mine, so that was ok, although strangely she insisted we do it the same way, ie. buying it via a gift card. She said that was so I could earn points on my card, and I told her afterwards that I don't have a reward system because my card charges no annual fees.

Oh, and good thing for me was that I asked for one black and one white, but the white ones only had 16GB, so that was cheaper. I decided to give the black 32GB to my sister and the white one to Erica.

We walked around the shop a bit, with me wondering if we'd later be charged with fraud. I wasn't exactly sure how DJ's viewed the use of staff discount cards by other people.

I walked her to the station and then went back to work. I wrote 'Erica' on a post it note, stuck it on the iPad box and took a photo. I sent it to her, and she replied with "what?" lol. I said it was her xmas present, and she asked "really?" and then when I said yes, she sent emoticons showing she liked it. Makes me think maybe she wasn't expecting too much when she actually asked for it.

She said she'd buy me drinks, and I (half) joked that I'd come to Melbourne. She said she was coming to Sydney on the weekend.

Wait, is this just because of the iPad? Nah, you wouldn't come all the way just to pick up an iPad. 

Well then why didn't she fucking tell me that before??

Oh well, it was pretty good news to know I'd save $2000 now that I didn't have to go to Melbourne.

Insecurity over

Aaaaaand she just replied "yes haha".

So, she didn't mis-interpret. I am over-thinking too much. I was thinking (sorry) earlier, that if I didn't fuck up this time, I'd wait a bit before messaging her again, just to give her some space and/or not appear too desperate. Even though I was planning on suggesting I'd go to Melbourne for the holidays.

On that note - there was something I forgot to mention in an earlier post. My sister has randomly brought up the possibility that she could just stop working and return to study for three years. As stupid as that sounds (try seeing how successful a career change will be when you're 36) no one can talk her out of it. I blame my mom mainly for that, but that's another (long) story.

Anyway, if that happens, then it'd be basically only me working, and my dad bringing in the little money that he does. Our mortgage should be safe - I could pay the balance right now but I don't wanna (or have no incentive to). However, that would pretty much mean no go to the US with Jim next year.

How is this relevant to Erica? Well, if I don't need to put away $10k for a US holiday, then I can afford $1-2k holiday to Melbourne :)

The next insecurity

Seems that I may have been right goddamnit. Erica replied.

Me: haha, your car?
Her: no haha
Me: haha that is casino?
Her: yes my friend

So her friend took it? Hmmm.

Anyway, my last message to her was "you eat dinner?" at 8:08pm, and she hasn't replied (more than 2 hours now). Paranoia tells me she interpreted that as me asking her out to dinner again, so she hasn't replied because she feels I'm bugging her about dinner.

God, I knew you'd stuff it up before you see her again.

I went for a massage

Yesterday morning I went to the doctor's to get the mole on the back of my shoulder checked. I pulled aside my shirt at the back and he looked at it with a torch. He said the good thing was there was hair growing out so it was benign. He also noted it was blue. But he said the downside was that the sides were jagged.

I asked him about removal. He said I could either have it done by him or a plastic surgeon, the only difference being that a plastic surgeon would be much more expensive. He said however that there was about a 25% chance that something like a scar (b-tose?) could grow and grow in place of it, and that it might require an injection.

I had not thought about adverse consequences of removing it. I thought it'd be a simple and straight forward thing. I decided to have a think about it. He said if I wanted it done, it couldn't of been done now anyway as I needed to make a "chop chop" appointment. We then started talking about me possibly going to the bar, and how he was shocked that you needed about $60,000 to start. I knew he was interested because his daughter is a lawyer.

So off I went, I was going to get some Macca's for breakfast but decided to save some money and went home to eat. I basically stayed home the rest of the day and played video games. I started playing Heavy Rain, which seems like an awesome game. Kinda sucks though that you play multiple characters.

Today
This morning at about 8am I went to the courts, and ended up staying there for about 90 minutes, working on driving to the basket and dribbling. I was kinda amazed at how much my dribbling improved over the small session just by doing simply repetition drills.

After that I went home, and got some razors and went down to my car to try to get that goddamn sticker off. I ended up doing a pretty decent job, I needed more time because my dad was using the car. I thought, I paid a few hundred bucks to have the council teach me how to get a sticker off the glass.

Then I shaved my head and had a shower. I also vacuumed the house a bit, getting rid of those spiderwebs in the bathroom.

Then I started feeling really bored. I felt like I needed to get out of the house. Maybe this is what prison feels like. I even started getting a headache, feeling like it could disappear if I just went out - for anything.

I started thinking about going for a massage. I saw that Erica had changed her Kakaotalk profile picture to a pink hummer taken at, yup you guessed it, the casino. Two thoughts went to my head: 1) there goes my opportunity to prevent her from being a gambler; and 2) did this mean she was now back in Sydney? And she didn't tell me?

That second thought sent my insecurities and depression into a tailspin, and it reasoned with me to go have a massage even more. I was pretty much decided for checking out the shop in Chinksford, until I asked myself who could possibly see me enter/exit...then I realised, Clare!

So that was out of the question. As much as I wanted to go to Naby's shop (because as strange as it sounds, I do 'miss it') I didn't want to run the risk of Nunjo seeing me. Having someone possibly hate you have that type of leverage against you could be dangerous.

I finally decided on the massage shop I used to frequent. I sent a message to Erica jokingly asking if that was her car, and told myself that if she replied before I got to the massage shop, then I'd call it off. Yes, this is the stupid type of shit I tell myself - I seem to hold myself to ransom.

I caught a bus out to the city and as I approached the ATM, I checked my messages with her and almost had a change of mind when I saw one of the emoticons she sent me in the past - one of a rabiit with its tongue stuck out, pulling an eye down. It was so cute. Could I really do this to her? Then obviously I thought about the photo again and the possibility of her having returned to Sydney without telling me.

Who are you to her anyway, her boyfriend? Stop expecting to be her boyfriend.

You're right, I'm not her boyfriend. Therefore I shouldn't feel bad about doing this. Maybe the problem is you're expecting to be her boyfriend, hence the constant drop from the disappointment. Also, don't make someone a priority when they make you an option.

So it was settled. I was just an option. With that in mind, I withdrew $200 from the ATM but told myself there was still time for her to message me.

As I approached the massage place, she still hadn't responded. I turned off the internet connection and went in. I was told to wait 10 minutes for one girl, but if the guy before me chose her, I'd have to wait an hour. He chose her, so I left.

Maybe this was an omen?

I checked the forum for some other shops in the city (should be tonnes) and found one. I decided to check it out, and withdrew an extra $100 just in case. It was very close to my office, but I went because it was on level 2, so anyone seen going in/out could just be going to one of the other shops.

I was greeted by an Asian lady who seemed cheerful, yet I saw through her intentions to just make a buck. She recommended a 21 year old Korean girl for me. Usually I would've taken it, but I thought she must've been trying to sell me a dud, so I asked to see all the girls. I thought one was kinda attractive, but I didn't have my glasses on, so she ended up looking totally different after I chose her (Lisa). She was a bit too chubby for my liking. Oh well, it was only $120.

The whole thing went silently for the most part, and during it I thought I was going to go to other shops after this. Money be damned. I was going to go back to the massage place, or try The Penthouse. But when I finished, it was like a 180 degrees change in mind. I decided that was the end of it, I was glad I only damaged myself $120 and was kinda glad to get out of there. I did, however, still have a headache.

I went to Macca's and bought that BBQ burger with onion rings. Not sure if it was just not fresh, or if it just sucked, but it really sucked. Not going to try that again.

I checked out JB Hi-fi and bumped into Bob and his girlfriend on the way to the bus stop. He had obviously seen me before I saw him as he had this hardened blank look on his face, just staring straight ahead. I think in the past I would've been jealous to see him with a girl and I was still alone, but I laughed at how he was being manipulated by her and how he must be spending so much money on her.

I went home and had a nap. When I woke up, it was like my senses came back to me.

What if...that picture taken from the casino was just sent to her by another friend? I mean, she did previously use your bbq picture as her profile picture. Maybe she just misses Sydney?

GODDAMN THAT MAKES SENSE!!!

The office xmas party

So this morning when I woke up I sent an SMS to Erica.

I walked to work as usual, feeling a bit down knowing I'd be $1000 behind for the two iPads. I looked at the apartments around me, which is always a good reminder for me to save my money, and wished I hadn't of bought those iPads.

In the morning, that girl working one day a week, Nikila, came into my room to ask for my ID card so she could test her own. I was like "yeah...as long as you promise not to laugh at my photo". She got it and then started laughing. At first I thought it was a fake laugh, just to make fun of me, but she was actually really laughing. She said I didn't look like the photo, and I asked if it was better or worse, and she said better now.

She came round a second time to borrow it so she could test her card again, but when she returned it this time, I noticed our fingers touched lightly. I wonder if she noticed. I wondered if it was deliberate.

As is usual these days, I sometimes check my phone to browse the net during mini-breaks while working. So I was checking out some relationship forum when Nunjo walks in without a word, and places a letter in my in-tray.

Is this an apology letter?

I thought about saying thanks, but she was already headed back out. I went to reach for it, and noticed she looked back into my room through the glass to see if I reacted. It was just one of those standard letters paras send out for new matters. Don't know what she was doing with it. Was she so desperate now that she was volunteering to pass it to me from Sue?

I kept working, thinking about whether I should go to the office xmas party. I didn't want to go because I didn't want to waste $20 to stand around eating crap food talking to people I normally see at work anyway. But Nikila was going, and Genie was pressing for me to go, and I had bought some raffle tickets anyway, so...

Come lunch time, I had planned to go get some junk food, but ended up eating my instant noodles to save money. I think I'm going to get cancer or something from eating all this crap, just to save a few bucks.

At 2pm I went to the xmas party with Genie and Canda. I saw Nunjo sitting with Clare and Christina. Clare smiled at me and I smiled back. I went to get a lemonade and stood around talking to Genie and Canda, but then Nikila came round and started talking to me. I realised how pretty her eyes were, but kept telling myself she was too young (I reckon she'd be 22-24). I got a few laughs out of her, as I told her about dogs learning to drive, and she asked me what I was doing after and I said going home. She said she was going out with Kay and invited me to go. I'd go, but Kay? Nah...

While we were talking, that HR lady Chris gave me a stare.

Was she disapproving of me chatting up such a young girl?

I wondered if Nunjo was getting jealous. Surely she could see, we were right in front of her.

After that Paul B came around and started talking to us, which was kinda easy cause he's a bit like Ray - loud and talkative. Then Alex came and we stood around talking, and then eventually we moved to some seats. Canda's friends from another branch sat with us as well - Tania and Julia. I thought Tania seemed a bit stuck up, but I got to talk to Julia a bit. Although I wasn't feeling shy, I couldn't think of anything to say.

Then the raffle happened, and I eagerly sat forward with my raffle tickets waiting to check, not that any of the prizes really interested me. Maybe this is what happens when I stop gambling - I just start finding risky fun in something else.

Anyway, Jim picked out the first winner, and Kristie said my name!!! FOOK!

I walked up and took the huge basket of goodies, and held it up above my head in a macho manner, which got a lot of cheers. The second winner was Imad, the third was Alanna, and the last (toilet paper) was Nunjo - all from our floor!

I hung around a bit more talking and then left with Genie and Canda back to the office (bumped into a girl who almost looked like Naby without make up). I realised the day had gone pretty well without any doing on my part - I got to chat up Nikila in front of Nunjo, I won first prize, and she won the toilet paper. Ah, could life be any better now?

Well, yes. Erica could respond.

But she hadn't.

I was starting to get insecure (again).

I told myself to go to Naby's shop. I was feeling it. At the xmas party, I couldn't help but check out Nikia's body when she was at a distance talking to others. There was also an Asian para who made heaps of eye contact with me when she entered, and she was kinda hot. This was all too much. I needed a release.

But there was one thing - I had eaten a bit and my tummy felt full, which is not a good feeling to go to the shops with. I like to feel lean.

I thought about it when I was back at the office, and then finally decided not to. Why? I suddenly felt the reality of morales...how could I do that to Erica? Was I being stupid? I just couldn't do it.

I went to the wharf side near the casino where I sat down for a while. I had pretty much concluded that Erica wasn't available - not that she was avoiding me.

I walked back to the city and checked out DJ's before catching a bus home.

Lucky I didn't go to Naby's shop, because Erica just messaged back on Kakaotalk :)

My insecurity reasoning

I woke up this morning and saw no messages from Erica, either by SMS or Kakaotalk, neither from her old number or new number.

This is when my insecurity reasoning kicks in:

I think she's lost interest. I'm going to Naby's shop after work today to get my mind off her. I knew I shouldn't of put all my eggs in one basket. Let's start again.

And then my logical reasons back:

Oh yeah, because she kept in contact with you for the last two months while overseas just so she could ignore you now. Bit drastic action for not messaging you on her FIRST day of arrival, isn't it?

Hmm good point. But no matter how logical that reasoning is, my insecurity always seems to weigh heavier.

I ended up sending her an SMS to her new number, and no reply yet.

Mate, it's only been an hour. And it's fucking 7am for god's sakes!!!

Hmm, you're right.

P3 Xmas lunch

The day before yesterday I had placed my present on Alanna's chair. I wrote "From: Awesome Wrapper" as a dig at my own crappy wrapping. I knew she'd know who it was from, I just didn't want her to think I had misunderstood how secret santa worked, because I wasn't her secret santa.

I decided to go check on her in the morning and she was in the process of inspecting the piggy bank. This was a good way of seeing if she liked it or not because for a second or two she didn't know I was there. She seemed intrigued, and when she saw me, she thanked me and said she'd keep it in her room and use it for her coffee money.

Anyway, noon rolled around and it was time to go to our branch lunch. Earlier someone had asked me how I was getting there as we were passing DS' room, and DS said "we're going to power walk there". I laughed and walked off, and then later wondered if DS had wanted to go together. 

I didn't want to go with Nunjo, and Clare was going with her so I couldn't go with that group. I didn't want to go with Genie because she was going with Sue. I asked Jessica and Alanna how they were getting there and they said cab, but they said it was full. I was a bit disappointed because deep down I thought "but Alanna, I gave you a present!" even though I knew I missed out cause I was the last one.

I found Steve and Josephine still hanging around and asked them how they were getting there, they didn't know but at least I could go with them. We ended up catching a free shuttle bus down the main street and then walking to the restaurant. This was probably the first time I could get to know Steve better, and I was perhaps a little disappointed as I may have held him up on a pedestal previously. I just realised he had flaws as well - he came off as the 'internet husband' guy, as he showed how much he was into video games. Guess nobody's perfect.

When we got there, everyone else was already seated (except Moira, who got there moments after us) and I looked around for seats. There were two right where we were standing, so Steve and Josephine sat down, and then Mario moved over a seat to reveal a spare seat...next to DS. I thought, oh god, if I had gotten here in any other situation people would think I was a suck up, luckily I got here because I was last.

It was a bit awkward at first, but DS made his usual awkward jokes which made things a bit easier. Also throughout the lunch, Alanna chipped in occasionally as she sat opposite us. As she talked, I admired her social skills and ability to take the pressure off me to keep things going - even though it was simple stuff like asking how many children he had, and what they were up to in school (didn't think of that one).

DS surprised me when he asked if I knew Powell. I said yes. He asked me if he was my best friend. I said something like "not quite, he called me up once to tell me off about something he thought I did wrong". Then DS said he's a shit, and how he deliberately sits next to Ellen during meetings to feel he is important. He also said Powell would keep making suggestions in meetings to things that have previously been agreed upon which annoyed DS.

Wow, I was shocked for two reasons - I didn't know other people, especially someone in the position of DS, would dislike that guy. Also, it showed how comfortable DS felt with me to be able to bag someone out like that.

He also said he didn't want to go to their meeting after our lunch but Ellen didn't get the hint. I probably wouldn't have gotten it either.

I thought for the price we paid ($35 per person) there could've been a bit more food. DS left after we finished eating and gave me his money. As soon as he left Sue asked me if he paid. I thought "oh my god, of course he did, what do you think he is??"

Everyone sat around for a bit before secret santa was done. I was excited for mine, and excited to see Canda's reaction when she got mine. She seemed happy enough. I was given a "Keep Calm for Chaps" book which has funny, yet true, quotes. Someone obviously gave enough thought to that, wonder who it was.

We sat around a bit more talking, and then most of us decided to leave, some back to the office. Nunjo, Clare and a few others stayed back. I saw Nunjo place her glass back onto the table in a slightly drunker manner, and thought "oh boy, here we go..."

I walked back to the office with Genie and Steve, and the 'internet husband' thing really came into play here when he told us about how his wife would go to bed at midnight and he'd keep playing video games. Hmmm.

Something weird happened as we were walking - this lady about 35-45, looking somewhat crazy and/or drunk starting walking directly towards me. I thought she was the usual bum asking for money. But then she stopped in front of me and yelled "you are really good looking!"

What the...

She then walked off. I didn't expect that. I was just wearing my orange tie with white shirt and sleeves rolled up. I wonder if a compliment from a crazy person counts?

I walked to the station with Genie after changing in the office, and then went to Woolies to get some ice cream cause I just had a craving for it.

Today

In the morning Joanne came into my room and was like "I'm not sure if you're aware, but Mary's going on leave in January..."

Yeah yeah, surgery, and Nunjo's gonna act in her position. No need to tell me mam, already know.

She continued, and said Helen was going to act up in Mary's position.

Nigga whaaaaaa?

Although I was shocked, I immediately realised this was not bad news for me. I dreaded the thought of reporting to Nunjo next month, so now that was problem solved. The other thought I had was "geez, wonder if Nunjo's pissed".

I got my answer when I checked lync and saw she had been offline for an hour. Wow. Reckon that's a coincidence?

Anyway, I checked my Kakaotalk and saw that Erica had changed her profile picture to a beach facing the ocean. Her status also was Korean words with an Australian mobile number. I wondered if it was meant for me, and then concluded no, as it was in Korean, and also she put the country code. But it was a different number to the ones she previously used. I wondered if I should message her on that number, but then decided to let her message me.

At lunch I went out to get some lollies for the pinyata (even though I had already contributed earlier, but apparently it wasn't full), and some lunch, but then decided to just eat my instant noodles in the office to save some money.

At 3pm we had the pinyata. I had one strike and let the rest of the people try to blow it open, but Mel C kept pushing for me to "finish it off". When we were done collecting the candy, we stood around eating it, and Mary said she liked my rabbit lollies. Then Genie stupidly said "that's the first time you've acknowledged..." and then Mary started saying how she has liked some of my things in the past. But I thought, Genie why would you say that?? It gives the impression that I talk to her about Mary!!! I bet you Mary and Clare will talk about that. Fuck.

Also, earlier in the day Genie had asked me to certify some documents for her security thing. Fine. But when I got to her room, she hadn't even written up the certification lines, which meant I had to do it all. I mean, when I had Moira do mine, at least I wrote it all up for her to make it easier. Far out.

At the end of the day, I waited until Clare and Mary were gone (god they talk a lot) before inviting Mel and Genie to my room for our Christmas thing, as Mel could now not make dinner (fine with me, save some money). I had brought them over to my room because Alanna and Canda were still on their side, and didn't want them to talk.

Anyway, we exchanged gifts, and they both seemed to like what I gave them. I gave Genie a mug that stirs itself as she told me once she was stirring in the kitchen and DS said "enough stirring" lol. I gave Mel a quill pen, which I thought suited her rather posh style.

Genie gave me three seasons of Big Bang Theory on DVD, and Mel gave me a pair of cufflinks. The cufflinks were cute, but I think I like the box better.

Then I told them about the Helen/Nunjo thing, and they were both shocked, because Helen had only been here "two seconds". To be fair, it was only right that Nunjo get it since she's been here for a long time, and Helen has only been here for a few months, so goddamn...

Anyway, Mel said it makes sense now because in the morning Joanne had asked her to get her a coffee, and when she came back with it, she saw Mary in Joanne's room with the door closed and Mary was flailing her arms. Later Mel said to Joanne that looked like a heated conversation and Joanne said it was.

Mel also said Helen got Blacktown and Bankstown mixed up, leading her to catch a taxi and paying $108 in fares...which was reimbursed by the office. I got pretty angry at that, as I do make efforts to try to save tax payers money, by re-using dividers and plastic sleeves, and here she is catching a $108 taxi because she got two completely different suburbs mixed up??

They also talked about how incompetent Josephine was, as Mel was picking up the slack. She said Josephine is constantly talking to Steve and her, Alanna and Stacey all notice it and wonder if she's trying to flirt with him.

Mel kept apologising for not being able to make dinner, but suggested that Genie and I go together. I wanted to stay away from that one-on-one thing, so didn't say anything. When they left, I went to change and then went to the toilet for a long time to avoid Genie wanting to walk to the station together. She had asked earlier if we should go to dinner tomorrow, and I said we should wait for Mel. I'm thinking of letting Genie know I'm seeing someone, using Erica (as an excuse?)

I went to the gym after that and got a lot done, wanting to focus now on the decline benchpress. On the bike, I got a shitty one and it was harder than usual, which made me wonder if I should play basketball next season. It just made me feel even more drained, until I realised the resistance was on a high level. Oops.

After gym I went to Macca's. I had a craving as I hadn't had it for a long time. I was also waiting for Erica to message me, but nada.

During the day I did feel sad, and even had the "fine, fuck it then" attitude, until I looked back at some of our initial messages, which re-assured my own insecurities. Back then, she seemed to like me a lot, saying she missed me. I reminded myself that if this was even going to try to work, I'd need to understand her schedule and that she won't always be available. God knows where she is now or what she is doing, but I'm assuming she's made it into Australia.

I know I asked her to message me when she landed, but maybe she didn't understand?

Anyway, I'll just keep waiting.

Also, Ele asked me today about the iPads as her friend with the staff discount was going to check it out today. I decided to get two - one for my sister and one for Erica. The timing was unfortunate, as I'd prefer to sort Erica out first before committing my money, but the discount was now or never. I figured if things with Erica didn't work out, then I'd have a new iPad for work.

I also figured if I was going to splash out for a girl, I'd feel less bad if I splashed out also for a family member.

To the bar?

I had plans to meet Daniel for lunch today. He called me last week to ask who had carriage of a particular matter, and ended the conversation asking me to lunch. Normally I would've been thinking of a reason to decline, but his call was coincidentally timed - I had been thinking about going to the bar, and this was the perfect opportunity to get some insight.

So at 12:55pm I went out to the lifts, pressed the button and waited. Then I heard the door open and loud footsteps. I had a pretty good guess it was Nunjo. I didn't budge. The lifts opened and I walked in. She hurried but the doors were closing, and she had to stick up her arms to keep them from shutting. The rest of the journey was silent as she played on her phone.

I can't help but think that maybe she wants you back. I mean, if she really wanted to avoid you, she would've just missed the lift. But barging in like that through closed doors shows some determination.

Also, I know she still cares. The other day I was walking behind her in the corridor, and knocked on Moira's door. She was on the phone so I closed it, and when I looked down the hallway, Nunjo was looking back at me just before she turned the corner.

Anyway, I met Daniel downstairs just in time as he was walking towards my building, dressed rather casually. We shook hands and I said "I don't suppose you came from court". We walked to the shopping centre, even though I had thought he wanted to eat at the cafeteria downstairs. He suggested sushi and I mentally anticipated that my $50 note would be sufficient for both of us.

Yes, I intended on shouting him because I was there to get information.

And what information I got. He gave me some really useful tidbits, like:

- it costs about $30,000 to start up, and floor fees are about $2,500 per month
- I should go before 33-34, as when you get too old, tutors may be reluctant to take you on for fear that you may be hard to train or just difficult to deal with
- expect your first year to have no business

He actually bagged out GS when I mentioned him as a possible tutor for myself. I'm not sure if GB talked in his ear, or if GS has lost the plot since his divorce.

I wasn't really sure what to expect or how I'd react to meeting with Daniel, but afterwards I was really excited about trying out for the bar. I figured even if I failed, at least I could say I had a go. Although finding a job after that might be hard.

While we were eating I was mentally calculating the number of plates we were having to see if my $50 could cover it. When it came time to pay, there was the obligatory fighting over it, although I sensed he may not have had the funds to pay, given his talk about financial struggles at the bar, and how he pulled out a card. In the end he allowed me to pay, which I was glad for. The total was a bit less than $40, so given I had expected $50, I was pretty happy about everything.

After work I stayed back wrapping up presents for people, and then walked to the station with Genie.

No game tomorrow as the Sonics forfeited.

Oh, looks like Erica is really coming back this time. I was texting her earlier and she is packing now. I asked when she starts work and she said she's not sure. I said we could go to dinner if she's free on Friday but she just replied with a "eating, full" emoticon. Whatever that means.

Out of gas?

I went to the courts this morning and did mainly slides up and down the court and practising taking the ball up and down. It was probably around 10am and quite hot, so got really sweaty and tired.

At one point while resting, I was huffing and puffing, and thought "am I out of gas? Do I have enough for one more season?"

The answer wasn't good, but then again, it was probably not a smart move to ask such a question in the middle of training after taking two weeks off.

Shoyo: 5-2

Last night we played Ninjas. I gave A a lift there, think maybe it was the first time I drove? Anyway, we talked about NBA2k13 pretty much all the way there.

I wasn't sure how I felt about this game. I had really been enjoying my time off from basketball, and had stopped going to the gym, so I was unsure both as to mentally and physically on how I'd fare.

To my surprise I enjoyed it more than I thought, but I was rusty. My fitness felt like it had gone down a notch. Remember when Jordan came back wearing number 45, and he had the ball stolen from behind by Nick Anderson in the playoffs? Well, that happened to me. I got a steal and was jogging up, thinking about what I was going to do, then boof! The ball had been stolen from behind me. I think if I hadn't of been rusty, that wouldn't have happened.

It was a draw at halftime, but we ran away in the second half. I missed all my shots, although on one fastbreak I did run into a guy to try to draw a foul and barely missed the lay up.

I was silently annoyed at Bo, as it seemed that he either hogged it or turned it over whenever he tried to pass.

On the drive back, I told A about Nunjo telling me off, we talked about women and equality in the work place, and about work in general.

Yesterday I also messaged with Erica back and forth a bit, mainly to see what the hell was up since she said she'd be back by now. No mention of it by either one of us at first. I started (perhaps stupidly) the conversation by sending a pic of the box of the present I had for her, and asked her to guess. She asked if it was an iPad, and thereafter kept saying she wanted an iPad.

That kinda soured me a bit, for her to ask like that. Given the language translation and the nature of text messages, I'm prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt, but the sourness lasted all day today for me.

I'm not dumb enough to buy her a goddamn iPad, but I did check the price and it's only about $400. For some reason, as I was working today, I reasoned that it actually wasn't that much - if I was willing to pay $200 to see her for an hour, then $400 wasn't too far off if it meant seeing her for a night or something.

Scumbag logic.

I continued to reason with myself that at the beginning (when she had to leave Australia), it did seem genuine on her part, so I don't think she has gone to all this trouble just to keep me as a customer. On the other hand, we haven't even kissed, let alone gone out outside of the shop, so it'd be really stupid of me to buy something like an iPad.

My insecurities took over and I started looking for signs that she didn't like me.

She doesn't message you.

Ummm...actually, she does. If she didn't like you, she wouldn't respond to your messages (see: history of all girls who have not been interested in you).

She keeps messages short.

Ummm...actually, she doesn't. If you scroll through the chats, they're not exactly one word responses. Although they may be in Korean, they're pretty full sentences. Also gotta give her some leniency due to the language barrier.

These insecurities aren't peculiar to her working in her particular industry. If this was any other girl I'd be having the same insecurities. I wondered when I would end these insecurities...

Anyway, she said she's booked to leave on the 12th and will arrive on the 13th. We will see I guess...but if this doesn't happen I think I'm just going to move on, can't wait forever.