First Shuing meet after hospital

On Friday morning, I decided a swift change of plan would be needed.

Me @ 8:33 - Hey Victoria, if you cannot do a Krusty Burger tonight, would you be free for bowling (& crying in defeat) next Friday? =)

Her @ 9:11 - Good morning [insert name here], I didn't go to work today as my matter was dropped out at last minute. I think I will just stay at home and study today.

Ok...but what about next Friday??

Me @ 9:29 - But are you able to go bowling next Friday? I promise I won't beat you by too much :)

Her @ 9:43 - Haha you are funny! Can I confirm sometime next week with you?

Me @ 10:26 - Alright, but I'll be working on my bowling arm in the meantime ;)

I was doing ok at work, until one guy excused himself to do some repair work on my door and started banging loudly for a few minutes. I didn't think it'd affect me much, but it gave me a headache for the rest of the day. Not sure if I have an illness making me particularly vulnerable to headaches, or if I'm just getting old.

After work I didn't even feel like going to the gym, even though that had been my plan. Instead, I went straight home and played Last of Us. Later in the night I met up with Shuing and G. I picked up Shuing first and we had a chat about his surgery. He said he was ok, spent only one night in hospital, but still feels very sore.

We talked about being anaesthetised and he complained about not being notified right before it happened.

I asked if he had a newfound appreciation for nurses now like I did when I was in hospital. He said no, but he did have a newfound appreciation for people who are near their time, then said it meant he also had newfound appreciation for the doctors and NURSES who look after them. I am telling you, this guy just likes to counter points made just for the sake of being a contrarian.

We went to G's work to pick him up, waited for a long time, so long that it started making me uncomfortable, because I knew with each passing minute, the chance for an argument brewing with Shuing increased exponentially.

A good example was when he brought up a Sam de Brito article about Australians being lazy. I said I agreed in general and he said you couldn't base something like that on race, before proceeding to talk about how Indians were lazy as well. I then said "isn't that basing it on race?" and he didn't have a comeback, but then diverted the issue to exploitation. I said we had it pretty good here in Australia in terms of workers' rights and entitlements, and that I wouldn't care if they took away two weeks of my annual leave. He said that wasn't right if we were being exploited, and I asked him how he would feel if he was an employer and he avoided that question as well.

Then he brought up the picture of the article I posted in the facebook group about a camper's dog saving him from a bear attack, then the camper eating the dog for survival. I said I wouldn't do that and Shuing argued it might be different if I had children (which the article doesn't say anything about) and that it indicated I didn't have any self worth. The conclusions he draws are extraordinary.

Finally G came, and we decided to go to Moe's Tavern since it was 10pm already and I thought things would be closed in Chinksford. Shuing looked reluctant but agreed, probably because last time I called him out on only ever wanting Asian food.

It turned out to be a huge disappointment as the place wasn't fitted out like Moe's Tavern at all. It had a few Duff Beer posters, some toy kegs, and that was it. I ordered the Duffalo wings and the seafood basket. The wings were basically home made steamed chicken wings poured with bbq sauce, and the seafood basket was the smallest I had ever seen for $18. Fuck. At least G enjoyed his Duff Beer.

It was hard to hear the guys talk due to the music, so we left as soon as we finished eating. We went to Harry's where we grabbed some hot dogs. G and Shuing sat down on a bench eating, and I stood in front of them to eat and talk.

I told them about my lunch with Victoria, and relayed the story about the guy's $25,000 engagement ring. I said that the guy was pissed because his fiancee had lost the receipt. Shuing then said in a very argumentative tone the guy should not be pissed, as he had already spent the $25,000, so what was $2,500 in comparison. This really made me feel like he was just arguing against me for the sake of it, so I took a seat next to G, and Shuing said "ooo he doesn't like that" and chuckled. At least G showed some reasoning, saying $2,500 was still a lot of money.

After that I tried my best to not say anything else that could give rise to an argument. Shuing then baited me again by asking if I thought women were more devious than men. By 'devious' I took it to mean manipulative, so I said yes. He then likened me to the Elliot Roger guy who hated women. This made me really angry. He said it was dangerous for me to hate women like that, and I'm thinking "wtf??"

I said I had worked with a lot of women in my old job and saw all the bitching and backstabbing, then he added that if I wanted to see backstabbing I should see his old trading job. I tried to get G into the conversation by asking him and he asked devious in what respect? This somehow never got explored and Shuing went on rambling while I pointed out a fat seagull.

After that we went home. I dropped G off at his work first before dropping Shuing home. Boy was I glad the night was over without any significant fights.

Chinta Ria with Victoria

Of course, as things usually work out for me, the day I sent the letter to Jin was the day Victoria messaged me about lunch. When I first heard my phone beep, I thought "oh god, you're not going to ask me for lunch today are you?"

Victoria @ 10:20 - Hi [insert name here], would you like to have lunch tomorrow?

She's so polite...

Me @ 10:56 - Hey Victoria, sounds good. How about David Jones at 1pm?

Victoria @ 11:18 - Okay level 6?

Is there food on level 6? Is that what people have been referring to when they say "lunch at David Jones"???

Me @ 11:24 - Yep. You don't have to bring the HD if you haven't finished watching everything :)

On that day, I went to check out level 6 of DJ's. It was children's wear and home ware. She must've meant the food court in Westfield, as there are some restaurants on level 6. It was where we went to yum cha after the exams in February.

So then yesterday, I went to level 6 to wait for her. I had bought some chocolate strawberries earlier from DJ's. I wrote down the name "Harvey Specter" on the waiting list of a Thai place and took a ticket in case she wanted to go there, then I took a seat nearby waiting for her. I was browsing 9gag when after a short while, I heard her calling out for me. I stood up to greet her, and I soon saw her glancing at the small DJ's paper bag I was holding. She then pointed at it, touching my hand and asking what it was.

I then gave it to her and said it was for her. She asked me what it was, and I said it was both healthy and unhealthy. She thanked me for it. I asked her where she wanted to eat and she asked me to choose. We battled back and forth a bit about where to go before I finally decided Chinta Ria. It was a Malaysian restaurant on the same level which I saw the day before didn't have many customers, so I figured it would be easy to get a table. As we walked to the restaurant she said she had my hard drive for me and tapped her bag.

We got a table immediately, a small table for two next to a group of businessmen. I glanced around the restaurant quickly looking for anyone who might look remotely familiar. We sat down and started browsing the menus they gave us, which was a bit of a bundle.

She then touched my hand and said this time she would pay for the meal. I asked why and she said because I paid last time. I joked that it was cash only, and she said she had cash. I joked it was card only and she said she had card. I said maybe, and then told her I might be going to Thailand after the exams because it would be near my birthday. She started guessing what it was and I said I told her before, and she said (feigned?) she forgot. She guessed it wrong twice and then I said if she got it wrong again then I'd leave. She didn't take a third guess and I said "you told me it was the same as your friend's" and she then got it right. I teased her and said she was definitely paying for this one and she said yes. I said "and the next one" and she said yes, and I said "and the one after that" and she said yes lol.

She said she hadn't seen me for so long, that it'd been a month. I thought "umm yeah because I friggin' asked you to study and you declined!" but held back. I asked her how her study group was and she said it was ok. I asked where they meet, and she said sometimes it's by telephone and sometimes it's in some guy's firm in the city. She asked me if I've been studying in the library and I (partially) lied and said yes except for one time.

I asked if she ended up putting music onto my hard drive and she said no, but she put it on her own USB stick and brought that for me today. I asked her if she had a Mac and she said yes, and I chuckled and shook my head. She asked what was the matter and I said Mac's suck. She said it seemed easier to use. I asked if she watched everything on my hard drive and she said she did.

I asked if she had a half day at work and she said sort of but she had to go back to do something before going to a study group. I wasn't too sure what she was saying, cause I asked what time she finished and she said 5:30pm, then I asked what time the study group finished and she said 7:30pm. I asked if she had seen Vivid yet and she said no. I reacted loudly and emphatically and she asked if I had seen it and I said no, lol, and she was like, then why are you acting like you've seen it lol. I actually wanted to ask her out to see it.

I suggested we each order one item and she said ok. I asked her to choose the main and I'd pick the starters, but she wanted it the other way around. I chose the duck and chicken flavoured rice, and she chose the scallops. I said I noticed she doesn't order drinks and she said it makes her too full.

While we waited for the food we talked, and I can't remember what we were talking about, but it led to me blurting out that I still wanted to go bowling with her, and she nodded enthusiastically. She said I would cry from losing to her lol.

We talked about doing the bar course and it seems like she caught on to my previous reluctance to do it this year, as she suggested I could defer and do it some time next year. I said I will pass the exam and then decide. It really comes down to a matter of income for me, but I didn't want to talk financial issues with her just yet.

She asked me what I thought about the Jamie Gao murder that was in the news recently. I said I didn't want to be mean, but if he was going to be a drug dealer then there are risks and this time the risk eventuated. I didn't want to shock her too much, but she agreed with me that he looked like a gangster up to no good.

The food was ok, she seemed to like it more than me I think. She insisted I have the big duck drum stick, even though I suggested she should have it. She then said something which may have been a bit of a big hint: she said "usually the mother in law gives it to the son in law". She then realised what she had said and corrected herself, saying she wasn't my mother in law. What I think she meant was I should start getting used to being the son in law to her parents!

She told me she was going to a friend's wedding on Saturday. She said the guy had been going out with his high school girlfriend for six years since they were 18, then they broke up. He met a new girl and three months later they are now getting married. She said she told him "you don't rebound into marriage!" lol.

She told me about another guy friend who was getting married later in the year, whose fiancee demanded a $25,000 engagement ring and an apartment. They went apartment shopping and when she found a place, she stomped up and down happily. She also told me that the guy wanted her to get the 10% duty free thing when the fiancee went overseas, but she lost the receipt and is pissed off, but the fiancee doesn't see what the big deal is.

I asked her if she was going to these weddings by herself. She said she is going to the Saturday one with a group of friends.

There were some brief silences during our meal, where I seemed to just shut down momentarily. Not sure if it was anything Jin related.

I asked her if she liked The Simpsons and she said yes. I told her about Moe's Tavern which was having its last day the next day and asked if she wanted to go. She asked "after work?" and I said yes, and she said she'd check her diary.

She asked me how my work was going and I hesitated before saying I was a bit tired and not used to sitting in an office all day, instead of going to court like I am used to.

When we finished eating, I suggested leaving as I was sure my hour was up. I got up first and she asked me what I was doing as she wanted to pay. I said I was just getting up, then went to the area where I thought was the cashier. The waiter pointed me to the front of the restaurant, so I headed over there, and playfully tried to defer Victoria from reaching it by pointing at her seat and saying she left something there.

She didn't buy it and caught up to me. She was reaching in her purse when the waitress gave us the bill and said it was $50. I said I had a $50 note and swiftly pulled one out of my wallet to give to the waitress and walked off. Victoria softly pleaded and asked why I did that. She said I can't keep paying, and I joked about becoming bankrupt and that I'd have to declare it to the association. We joked about how she'd have to put on an affidavit about how much she ate. I was actually joking about her eating a lot, but I think she was joking about how classy the food she ate was.

As we walked down the levels, she insisted she buy me something, asking if I wanted ice cream, candy or coffee. I said no to all and we kept walking. I asked if she knew her way well inside and she said yes. I said I still get lost sometimes. I was about to add my usual comment about "it's like a casino in here" but refrained.

I asked her about Moe's Tavern again and she said she'd check her diary. She checked her phone and said she had a yoga class, but then added she could skip it. I encouraged her to. We got onto the escalator and I stood one step below her, and asked if she could touch her toes without bending her knees and she said yes. Maybe it was just me, but I felt pretty close to her then and felt like kissing her.

We saw elmo and cookie monster in costume as we walked out of the shopping centre and I asked if she wanted a photo and she said no. Hmmm.

We stumbled in directions a little bit before I asked her where she was going. She pointed down south towards my old office and said something about her study group being there, even though I thought she had to get back to work. I said ok and she said she would walk up to Elizabeth Street with me. As we passed the TAG watch shop she told me she has been going to the gym and has a personal trainer now. She offered her right arm and asked me to feel how firm it was. I gave it a soft squeeze and said it was firm.

She asked me where my office was and I told her, and jokingly asked if she'd ever been summoned before to attend. We joked that she'd have to give evidence about how her eating caused me to become bankrupt. I asked about Moe's Tavern again, this time trying to sell it to her like a used car salesman, and I got a different response this time, with her saying she didn't want to cancel yoga.

When we walked to the corner of Elizabeth Street I was about to say goodbye but she said she'd walk me to my office. So we continued walking a bit and she asked what level I was on, and I told her about levels three and five. I asked if she sat near the window and she said yes, then I asked which way she faces, and she pointed east. I said if she faced my way then I could wave to her. I asked her to let me know about Moe's Tavern and she said she would.

We said goodbye and started parting, and she kept waving like she didn't want to leave. I returned to my office thinking things went well.

Letter sent

I slept last night with a degree of unease. It felt like I was back with Jin again.

And, contrary to my earlier views, I sent the letter off just now.

Penning a letter to Jin

I started the day feeling ok, but was pretty much shut down in the morning when I approached Mob. Ross had given me a CO application a while ago, and Mob identified an issue which was rectified by Ross. So Ross gave me the revised copy last week, and on Thursday I had sent it to Mob for review.

Yesterday I emailed Mob asking if she wanted to sign off on it or if she wanted the boss to do it, as he had returned from leave yesterday. Till today I still didn't hear anything back, so I went to her office. I started with an in-joke about the word 'capricious', which she merely smiled at. When the CO application was brought up, she asked "I thought I said I would approve it?" and I thought she meant she had given the nod to the proposed revision so I said yes. Then she bluntly said "well where is it?" so I handed it to her.

It was just the bluntness that she said it with, almost rude and disrespectful. Not sure what I've done, but I feel like I'm in her bad books now. I returned to my desk feeling like I almost wanted to cry. I thought about the Simpsons episode where this happened:

and pretended that I was doing it for Jin. If I had never given her that money, I'd have a bit of money saved up by now and I seriously wonder if I'd put up with shit anymore.

I started focusing on my work but then sometime during the day, my scumbag brain got the idea that maybe I should write a letter to Jin. I guess it was a combination of the psychologist's idea and mine. His idea was to write it and not send it. My idea was to write it and send it. If I did a former version it'd be pretty blunt. But given she is using two profile pictures now taken when we were together, I figured I could tone it down and maybe use it to get back with her - provided I didn't give her anymore money. No harm, is there?

So come 5pm, I rushed home to get my laptop, then drove out to the sea side to type it up. I had to check some of my old entries on here to get the chronology right, and seeing some old SMS messages nearly made me cry.

Without further ado, here is a draft of the letter:

Hi Jin,

How are you? I hope you are well. It has been more than 6 months since we have seen each other. Has it really been that long? I still think about you. Are you studying now? How is your foot? 

I know you say I send you too many messages, but I communicate better through writing, so I thought I would send you a letter to tell you things I never got a chance to tell you. Hopefully you can have a friend help you translate if it is too much English. 

I’m no longer angry about what has happened, but I am still a little bit sad. Sometimes I wonder how we ended up like this? I guess money always complicates things in a relationship. 

Do you remember the first time we went on a date? I didn’t think you would come, but I remember when I was walking to G-Star, I saw you were calling me and looking around for me. I thought it was a little bit funny, because maybe you thought I wouldn’t come either.

We had dinner at Hurricane’s, and I remember you had steak without any sauce. I was afraid the steak would be a little dry for you without sauce. On one of the last times we saw each other, I remember you said you wanted to go back to Hurricanes for dinner again. I told myself that this time I would get you some sauce for your steak J 

When I walked you home after dinner, and we were standing on the street near the traffic lights, I wanted to kiss you, but I thought maybe it was too fast. But I want to tell you, that that was the happiest night of my life. I really enjoyed going out with you that night. Actually, I enjoyed every moment I was with you, even when we were fighting. 

Your birthday

The next time we went out was for your birthday. I remember praying that it would not rain, but it did rain a little bit. The best memory I have at the zoo is when you ran after a duck – you looked so happy J When you are happy, I am happy. 

After the zoo I took you to La Perouse, the place with water and rocks, to give you your birthday present. I was really disappointed when you did not like the present. I think this is where we are really different – I can appreciate just the thought that someone gave me a present, no matter what it is. 

Do you remember we went to dinner that night with Mimi, and you got so drunk you sat down on the restaurant floor? And you made me carry you back to your apartment. It was pretty hard, because you kept on slipping off my back. I kept telling myself I needed to get you home safely. I was glad you liked the birthday cake I got for you. 

Valentine’s Day

This was a few days after your birthday. I know it was really hard for you to take time off work to meet me, so I was very grateful. Thank you. We went to dinner at Pancakes on The Rocks, and I had booked a hotel for the night. I still remember you telling me you were not that type of girl, haha, do you remember that? I respected you for that. I know you saw how disappointed I was because I had paid for the hotel already, so you agreed to spend the night with me without being intimate. Thank you. 

Helping you

I was trying to think of ways to help you. Do you remember our talk at the water side near the casino? At that time I didn’t know your problem was financial; I was trying to help you with your visa. 

After that talk, we went to karaoke with Julie and her boyfriend. That guy was an idiot wasn’t he? I still remember you in the karaoke room telling Julie to restrain herself when that guy was trying to kiss her. I really respected you for that. 

Unfortunately, that was the night of our first break up. You told me you needed $90,000 to get out of the job. A few nights later, we talked on the phone and Julie translated for you. She told me you needed the money for your uncle’s hospital fees. Do you remember when we met the next time in Villawood, you told me the money was for your mother’s hospital fees? Maybe I was blind in love, but I chose to believe you. 

By now you said you needed $50,000. I told you yes at first, but later said I could only give you $40,000 because my mother needed eye surgery. That is the truth. My mother’s eyesight has been deteriorating very badly. I fear she will go blind, and sometimes I cry at night when I think of that. 

I could never give you $40,000 in one go. Maybe that is my fault for not explaining it properly in the first place, I am sorry. There were legal reasons why I could not withdraw that much money at one time. The best I could do was give you $5,000 per week. I know you think I didn’t have the $40,000 to give you, but I really did. I have the bank statement to show you. I just could not give to you all together at one time. 

After I had given you $15,000, I realised you had lied about your mother’s health. But you know what? I still gave you $10,000 more after that. Maybe I am stupid, but I just wanted to help you. Why did you lie to me? I don’t know. But I do believe you are in debt to loan sharks. Am I stupid for believing that? Only you can answer that. 

I know you were angry the money stopped, but I hope you can see it as me at least helping you with $25,000 – even if it was not the $40,000 you were hoping for. When I was young, my mother always told me money was more important than relationships. I told her she was wrong, because I valued relationships much more than money. That is probably why I trusted your word and gave you the money. I was just upset that you had lied to me. 

I was also upset about the night when you would not let me sleep and hit my face to ask for my money. Jin, if you hit someone, only one of two things will happen: either they hit you back, or they walk away. I would never hurt you, so I chose to walk away that night. 

I am sorry I sent that message about posting your photos on the internet. I would never do anything like that to hurt you. But when you broke up with me after I said I could not give you $1200 because I had to pay for my car, I got really angry. It made me think that you only liked my money, not me. Can you please try to understand it from my perspective? How would you feel if you gave me $25,000 and then I disappeared? Would you be angry? 

Since our break up, I have tried to understand it from your perspective. I think you do not want a boyfriend while working. So if you can have the money to leave the job, then you can have a boyfriend. But if you cannot have the money to leave your job, then you cannot have a boyfriend. Am I right? It is a difficult situation. 

I am sorry about going to your home in Korea. But I needed to convince myself of the truth. I did not tell your mother any information about your job or your debt. I just wanted to know if she was sick. Seoul is a nice place. I really like o-deng. Unfortunately it was really cold. Maybe we can travel there together one day? 

Now, I am not angry anymore. I am calmer and can think about our situation clearly. I still think about our happy times together. Sometimes I smile when I remember the small things you did for me. Do you remember one day, after I had given you the money at the café, I took out my work card from the plastic case and could not close it? I struggled to close it a few times but you closed it quite easily. 

Then there was the time when you knew my lips were dry so you bought me a lip gloss. And I also remember you telling me you would buy me a fragrance. I waited, but you never bought it. But that didn’t matter, I was just happy that you thought about it J I am a really simple man, Jin. I just wanted to love you and have you love me back. I don’t need expensive things because none of that matters. 

I still think about you every day. What are you doing? Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking too much soju? But more importantly, I wonder if this is how it ends? Will we ever see each other again? Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and undo some things that made you angry, like when I asked you to feed the ducks with a broken foot. 

Maybe this is the end? Or maybe we can learn from this and be stronger together? Do you remember that time when we were driving on Parramatta Road, and I pointed out the wedding dresses to you? Later you asked me why I did that, and I said I was joking. I am sorry I said that. I was not joking. I really had plans to marry you. I miss holding your hand when I drive.

Sometimes I think we both made mistakes, and that this is just a big fight that got out of control. In hindsight, I should have stayed calm and not said anything when you said to break up. I knew you just needed time. I am sorry I panicked, but I just loved you and was afraid to lose you. 

After so long, I can feel my heart is at peace. But no matter what happens or who I meet in the future, I know I will always love you, and you will always be in my heart.

I have no intentions of sending this to her - for now.  I figured I'll wait until either the end of this week if Victoria flakes on me again, or until after my exam in June.

Gorilla...

I did it.

I changed my Wechat profile picture to the gorilla I took a photo of when I went to the zoo with Jin. Now our pictures look almost identical.

Jin's profile photos...

A while ago, maybe even a long time ago, Jin had changed her Kakaotalk profile photo to one of a road. It was taken from the passenger seat of a car. I didn't think much of it at first, other than noticing that it seemed to be an Australian car - maybe she was reminiscing about her time in Australia, or maybe she was in someone's car after our break up. I started picturing her being driven away to parties and all that.

Then lately I took a better look at the photo. I came to the conclusion that the dashboard looked a bit old, so it was a bit of a shitty car. It had the rego sticker on the bottom left of the windscreen, with another sticker above that. Then I looked even closer, and thought the bonnet of the car looked green.

Could it be my car?

Nah. I don't have stickers like that. And my dashboard doesn't look that old. AND I don't recognise a road like that.

So I dismissed it.

Then on Wechat in the last few days, she changed her profile photo from blank to one of a gorilla. I imagined that some dude had taken her to the zoo, and she was probably repeating the whole process she went through with me with some other guy. Good luck to him. Wait till she asks him for money.

Then I wondered: could that photo be from the time we went to the zoo together? Nah.

But I checked my photos. I had taken a photo of that same gorilla in that same pose, albeit from a slightly different angle. It looked like I had taken it standing to the left of Jin.

That was from the time we went to the zoo together.

I then went down to check my car. I almost froze. I did have two stickers like the ones in her photo on my windscreen.

What is she doing using photos from our time together as her profile photos?

Is she...trying to send me a message? Does she miss me? Is this why lately I have been having infinite thoughts about her? Do we really share that type of connection?

Reason Ele asked for 56 Up

I met up with Ele on Thursday for lunch. The reason was she had asked earlier in the week for my copy of 56 Up. She told me she had read something about the character Neil in the Chinese newspapers.

I met with her at the QVB statue and then we went to the TGV food court. Soon into the meal I found out the real reason she had asked me to come to lunch. She told me about a fight she had with her husband. Apparently a few years ago, there was an opening for a junior position at her bank which she encouraged her husband to go for, but her husband refused, saying he was over-qualified and only wanted a finance job.

Fast forward to now, there was a recent opening for a finance job at her bank, and she met the person who landed the job. This person turned out to be the successful candidate for the junior position a few years ago, who had worked his way up - something her husband refused to do.

I kept in mind that when girls have problems they probably don't want you to solve it, but most probably just want to let off some steam and want an ear. So I tried to keep my advice to a minimum, but did say maybe he lacked long term planning, and that she shouldn't have directly brought it up with him as money/career was a sensitive issue for men. I suggested she watch a movie with him which might inspire him, and not say anything about it as he would get the message. She said that was the reason she wanted 56 Up, to watch it with him.

I also told her not to start fights like that as she shouldn't be looking at what they don't have, as she should look at what they have and feel lucky that things aren't worse. I told her he could be worse; he could be an alcoholic, a gambler, or a cheater. She smiled and quietly acknowledged my point.

After that, I showed her the messages that Victoria and I exchanged and she agreed that it was a good sign, although she didn't agree with me that Victoria seemed to know I was angry. She also said to me in her soft, but urgent voice, "why are you so aggressive" which made me chuckle.

I also had her sign Shuing's card, and I get a feeling he'll get grumpy when he reads the comment.

I walked her back to work as Mob had a day off, so I had a bit more time to spare. We started talking about improving our social connections at work and agreed to improve ourselves.

She seemed to like our talk so much, that she sent me an email later thanking me, then posted a message on Wechat about our talk. Not sure how much her husband would like that.

In Mob's dog house

Had a meeting today with Mob, Kieran and Aaron, purpose of which was basically for Mob to rush Kieran to complete the brief. I consciously told myself to pay attention, which I did, but then I got caught thinking "damn, Kieran talks like a salesman..." when Mob tapped me on the arm asking me to support her.

Support her in what?

Apparently she was talking about some emails in the brief which Kieran couldn't remember, and she wanted me to back her up. I think that was a smaller example of a larger problem she has with me - she feels I don't contribute enough in meetings. That is why I suspect she introduced last week a new thing at FF where everyone has to bring up a topic or question to talk about.

I know it might be a flaw of mine, but I just don't like to say things that don't matter. I only speak if I have something valuable to say, and a lot of times I don't. I guess I don't like to waste words. It suddenly clicked for me tonight that perhaps she feels towards me the same way I feel towards Brain and A...

Victoria - it's back on?

These last couple of days at work have been one of the most productive ever, as I've been busily occupied with preparing the index to a brief. However, for some reason, memories of Jin and the whole incident have come flooding back. Towards the end of the day, I thought about texting Victoria.

No. You said you would wait out this week.

But, would a week make much difference? If she likes me she likes me, if she doesn't like me, you might as well find out now and have more time to recover and prepare for the exam.

You have to make her PAY for treating you like that.

Shut up man, just text her. Trust your gut instincts.

And so, I texted her:

Me @ 16:20 - Hey Victoria, are you free for lunch this week?

Then the excruciating wait.

Her @ 16:53 - Hi [insert name here], how are you? I'm not too sure about this week yet. If not this week, then next week for for sure :)

Oh my god, she replied! And does it almost sound like she's apologetic? Like she knows I'm pissed and she's trying to make up for it?

Me @ 17:15 - I'm good, how are you? Next week is fine. Hope you're still enjoying Parks and Recreation.

No dude, that sounds like you're chasing up for your hard drive...

Her @ 17:18 - I finished it days ago! I am meaning to give your HD back since few weeks ago. I'm sorry for holding on to it for too long.

See?

Me @ 17:22 - No problems at all, I've got a few, so you can have it for as long as you want. I'll get you more stuff.

That sounds better. Also implies you want more contact in the future.

Her @ 17:28 - Thank you for being so understanding. I couldn't watch a single episode of that superficial shows though! The music sounded too scary so I immediately turned it off. Lol

Me @ 17:37 - So you want more of that? Ok :)

Her @ 17:40 - Oh boy [Android icon]

Me @ 18:19 - Lol I'm joking. I'll wait to hear from you about lunch.

Her @ 18:34 - Yes will do. :)

Now, aren't you glad you did that?

Also after work I managed to meet up with Thai, Scope, Brain and G to have a card for Shuing's operation signed. I met Thai in the city and we talked about the proposed trip to Thailand. I met Scope and Brain at their places. Scope creeped me out a bit by the way he would glance at me. Brain disappointed me with the vanilla shit he wrote, even for his standards.

Eva's house warming

On Saturday morning I went to basketball as usual, but could only stay until 10:30am as I had to go to Eva's house warming. I had played a few games and didn't want to leave. Honestly, I gave serious thought to just bailing on the house warming and staying for more games. It made me realise how lucky I had been in the past to be able to stay for all three hours.

I rushed home and had a shower, then got changed into my Harvey Specter outfit which I bought the day before. I was a bit annoyed because Brain was supposed to pick me up at 11am but he was nowhere to be seen at 11:20am. I went downstairs to wait for him and after a while he silently texted me saying he was there. I spotted his car across the road and approached him. He told me G had called him earlier saying he'd drive over and asked us to wait for him.

So while we sat there waiting for G, I found it a bit hard to make conversation as Brain just silently sat there. I asked him how work was going, and found out that since the restructure, there are only three people in his office. God that must suck. He also mentioned something about considering buying a property in the past, and I assume he instead spent that money on his new car.

Finally after a long wait G arrived, then we drove to the Coles at Surry Hills. I wondered loudly whether Scope's Coles would be closer, but Brain quickly said to go to the Surry Hills one as that had easier parking. When we got there, we did the shop for meats and sauce, then when it came time to pay, neither of them made a move, and I just knew what was going to happen. I used my credit card to pay, and when we were putting the stuff into the car, I said "that's $37, so just make it $12 each". G thought about it, then suggested we could forgo his share if he gave his present to Eva on our behalf as well, which made it $19 for Brain and me. Whatever.

When we got to Eva's place, she apparently wasn't home. We kept pressing the bell and there was no answer. I called Ele, and put on an Indian accent, which made her laugh. But at that point, Eva showed up and let us in. She had Brain and G try to fix her blinds, but I think they made it a bit worse than it already was. Not that I could've done much better.

Later on we heard the buzzer, and I went to answer it with the Indian accent. I thought it'd be a good prank to play on Colin, but it was Yang, and he played along with his own Indian accent, saying his name was Sayed lol.

So he, Ele and their daughter had arrived. Shortly after that, Chang and Sylvie arrived. Then the buzzer went again, and this time G decided to do the prank. He said he'd use a British accent, but it didn't sound like anything. He told Colin that this was the wrong number lol. Later on I went to throw out the rubbish and saw Colin wandering around. He was pretty pissed off that G had told him it was the wrong number, saying it wasn't funny lol. Ele and I shared an awkward glance at each other.

The rest of the day was mainly divided between the guys on the balcony and the girls inside on the lounge. Yang cooked on the charcoal bbq and I cooked on the saucepan. After eating, the guys played Dixit on the balcony and the girls remained inside. We played one game before most people left, so Eva, G, Brain and I played another game of Dixit on the couch while Colin watched tv.

After that game we all left. G was supposed to meet other people in the city, but then he cancelled and said he was free now, so he could do drinks if we wanted. Brain then said, while driving, "what, if we're going to drinks, I'm not driving". That was enough concrete evidence to finally support my theory that his reluctance to drive was due to being a cheap skate rather than any lack of social skills. Can't believe he said something like that.

We ended up going to Chinksford for drinks. Brain did pay me the $12. We talked about my problem with Victoria mainly. Brain then said he was hungry so we went to a restaurant to eat, and continued talking about Victoria. We had agreed that I should try once more. I said I'd give it one more week before asking her out for lunch, but G wanted me to ask this week. I think I'll wait till next week.

On Sunday I went to the library to study a bit. I checked out the car park beforehand and her car wasn't there. I had worn the Harvey Specter outfit too, what a waste. I think I spent more time in the library on 9gag than actually reading the textbook.

When I had "finished" studying, I went to the lifts and got in. A girl followed me in, and the weird thing was, she stood facing me. I had taken a position standing at the back corner, and she was in front of me, facing me. It was too awkward, so I just looked down, up, sideways, away. She then dropped something, and I bent down to pick it up. It was her bottle cap. I gave it to her and she thanked me, then continued facing me. Two people came in and they probably would've thought it was pretty weird.

I wonder if it had anything to do with the Harvey Specter outfit? If so, I really need to put more effort into dressing up!

Pocahontas...I mean Rachel

So today, I spontaneously asked out Rachel, the girl from Oasis. I think I only got her number a few days ago. But in my experience, asking spontaneously works better than asking in advance. It's almost as if it indicates no planning, and no planning means no pressure.

After a bit of texting, we agreed to meet ay 6ish. So I went home to change. During lunch I had gone to Zara to buy myself an outfit. The main purpose of it was to wear it next time I went to the library, in case I bumped into Victoria there. But I was also planning to wear it to Eva's house warming tomorrow just as a 'warm up' Now, I had a third chance to wear it as a demonstration in meeting Rachel.

The outfit looked like, and was inspired by this scene (minus the jacket):

I gotta admit, I got pretty damn close to it, if not the exact same thing. I was lucky too - everything I grabbed on the first go were a perfect fit. Total cost was $190.

I drove out to the city to meet her, and after a bit of confusion, found her at the QVB statue watching a guy playing a guitar. We seemed to get off to a good start, with me joking about how when I called earlier at the steps, there was a guy on the phone waving to me and how it seemed like that was her lol.

She said she wasn't really into Asian food, so I suggested Spanish and we started walking down the main street. Found out she goes to Syd U. She said her class finished at 3pm, and she was at the gym earlier. She said she used to go five days a week and would spend 2-3 hours there.

We got a lot of talking done during the walk, which in a perfect world would've been conversation over the dinner, but hey, guess nothing is perfect. I managed to find the place, which was where I had gone with some people from my old office. I knew girls loved it. We had to wait a bit, and even then, the waiter said we had to finish by 8:10pm (it was 7:30pm).

The only thing that annoyed me slightly was when I asked her at the QVB statue whether there was anything she didn't eat, she said no, but now she said she was a vegetarian. I was cool with that, so we ordered a large vegetarian pizza and the famous potatoes. Turned out to be good choices as she liked both.

Conversation was really good. We talked about our work (she's a podiatrist) and she was really interested in 'worst' cases I hadso I told her about the eyeball pulling one, ghosts, and reincarnation. On the last topic, she seemed to have watched or read a bit about it, as she seemed to know a few of the stories I told her about.

I paid for the dinner even though she insisted in splitting the bill, then I walked her to Central station. We talked about horrow movies, and she said she couldn't handle them even though she watches Dexter. I joked with her that Godzilla was a romantic comedy that was released yesterday, and showed her this on my phone:

I got a good vibe from her, but not 100% sure if she was interested or just being polite. We parted at the entrance to the station, and then I drove home.

John has changed...

Yesterday I met Maria and Genie for lunch. As far as they were aware, we were supposed to take a walk through Zara, as earlier in the week I had been there with Genie for her to return something, and I mentioned in passing I wanted to check out the menswear. But we were supposed to go on Wednesday, and since that didn't happen, I went by myself on Wednesday.

So now I had a plan to surprise them by buying them lunch; in particular the baguettes that Victoria had introduced me to. I told them to meet me at the fountain "lunchless" and when they told me they were leaving the office, I went off to buy the baguettes. I half expected to see Victoria there but didn't. I got three baguettes and three cans of drinks and took it to the fountain.

I saw them and surprised them with it. Maria said she thought I wanted to check out Zara and I told her I already did that the day before. They were pleasantly surprised by the lunch, and not only that, they actually enjoyed it as we sat on the grass eating it. To be honest, I didn't really like sitting on the grass in my suit, but Genie seems to like it. I would've preferred to sit on a bench.

As we sat, ate and talked, I imagined myself ravaging Maria right there and then. She looked quite attractive sitting there on the grass. But on a serious note, my interest in her seemed to have diminished somewhat after meeting Victoria.

She surprised me at the end by giving me a brown paper bag containing three macaroons. I suggested we each have one but they refused. I ate them back in the office and they were sooo nice, because I hadn't had macaroons for a while.

After work I went home and drove out to Canley Vale to meet with John and library guy. We were to meet at the hotel, and upon walking in, I saw John at the bar. At first I was glad to see him and greeted him. It turned out he was in the process of ordering a whole tray of drinks. He walked away when the waiter called him back, and he didn't even know until I told library guy to get him - John hadn't yet paid for his drinks. That was when I noticed his eyes were red and he was already drunk.

Turned out John had two other friends there - a guy called Dang (real estate agent) and a guy called 'Doic' or something, who was a lawyer. He looked kinda young, and I heard him say something about it being his second year, so I assumed he was relatively junior.

John started talking about this Korean girl, and showed me her photo on Kakaotalk. He obviously got it just for her. It seemed like he was trying to chat her up and meet her outside of work. That worried me. It was one thing for John to b married and visit brothels, but it was another thing to start having a thing on the side. I was actually hoping he'd stop the whole brothel thing since the birth of his daughter, but nope.

He even said he just recently came back from Vietnam, where he obviously had a bit of fun. He also said he was planning to go to Hong Kong in June, where he was planning to have some fun. He mentioned going to Doic's office later to "party". I wasn't sure what that meant. In hindsight, I wonder if it was drugs.

Dang left after a bit, and for some reason John insisted library guy and I order our food first. So when we were lining up, I got to catch up a bit with library guy. He has a second baby coming along. I mentioned a bit about Victoria to him. I noticed the girl taking our order was a little attractive, and maybe it's just me, but she seemed to give me a second look. When we got back, I started talking about the bar to them, in the hope that they would brief me in the future. That was the whole point of coming out here, right?

Later on, as library guy and I were into our meals, John and Doic went to order. A pizza came back which they shared. The waitress I had seen earlier seemed eager to come get my plate and took a glance at me as she did so.

Library guy half joked that John was being a bad influence on Doic, and I agreed. It was really a shame that he was being shaped by John. As I sat there listening to John talk about running a law firm, I realised I could learn a lot from him, but I no longer really liked him as a person. I just found it hard to respect someone cheating on his wife.

I was pretty glad to get out of there afterwards, and even more glad that there were no 'extra curricular'
 activities. Although as I drove off, thoughts of going whoring did cross my mind, but I told myself to just go home and text the girl I had been chatting to recently who I met from Oasis.

The Victoria aftermath...

I spent Saturday at the basketball courts, enjoying a three hour run around in the sun. I didn't play too good, but just wanted to run up and down. After one game, I held my hand out to this NZ guy for a handshake, but he didn't shake it. I held it there for a while, maybe he didn't see it, but 99% sure he did.

After that, I made a conscious effort to play hard D on him every time he had the ball, and it worked on one occasion where he drove it and I stripped it off him. See what you can do when you try?

I went home after that and rested a bit, before changing to go out to meet someone at 3pm to sell my M&M's sunglasses to. I had crossed the road to buy a travel ten when he messaged me cancelling the meeting. I wasn't too disappointed, kinda glad I wasn't on the bus already and also that I got to keep the sunnies.

I spent the rest of the day playing Last of Us.

On Sunday afternoon, I decided to go out for a drive. I went to the water side but it was so full there was no parking. I then drove out to the water side near the casino. Lucky I had taken my bank cards out of my wallet. I found out that my redraw facility had come back (evil, evil banks) and that I was about $2000 ahead of my payments, so I had enough to withdraw for a gamble.

I sat in my car and tried to sleep, tried to cry. The most I could manage was a sizeable tear, as it rolled down my face. I was really sad that Victoria hadn't worked out. I thought she was perfect - my age, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, likes basketball, is a lawyer. The more frustrating thing is, I don't know what went wrong. If only I knew...

I got so emotional, I ended up calling Jin twice on my new phone. I made a vow to never call her on this phone, but here I was, desperate to call her. She didn't answer.

I thought about messaging Lina, but then realised the ironic position of texting my 'girlfriend' to tell her how sad I was because I had been rejected by a girl I truly liked. I did end up texting Lina later in the day, just to say "life is hard..."

When she asked about it I just said I'd tell her next time.

When I went home, I just played Last of Us, but my mind was on the casino. In the back of my mind, I knew it wasn't too hard to drive out there, have a gamble, win a bit, put it back in the bank, and then ask to close the redraw facility.

But I didn't. For some reason I thought about my cat, and how if it was sick, I would at least have money for it. So that held me up for the night.

Then today, I called up the (evil, evil) bank to close my redraw facility. It was finally done.

I haven't been sleeping well the past two nights, always half away ready to check my phone. I even had  a dream that I was at some function with Victoria, who I was hugging, but when I looked at her, it turned out to be Karen.

Then some time during the middle of the night, my mind concocted this weird theory that Victoria was turning down our study sessions so that I would be forced to ask her out in order to see her. How sick can my brain get?

Victoria - it's over

We didn't end up meeting up on Tuesday. In the morning I found out I had a meeting at lunch, so I sent her a message:

Me @ 9:33 - Hey I've just been told I have a meeting at 1. If you still get a half day, could we make it 130ish if possible?

I thought to myself, she should reply when she finds out whether she gets a half day or not, but if she sends me a message saying she will let me know when she finds out, then that's definitely a good sign!

Her @ 10:41 - Hi [insert name here], it's hard to say whether I will be having a half day or not at this stage. I'll message you again soon.

YES!!!

Me @ 10:44 - We can always grab a bite after work if you have a full day =)

But then...

Her @ 12:01 - [insert name here] I would have to catch you next time. Today is a bit hectic. I will tell you all about it next time.

Her @ 12:02 - Btw I tried to put some musics in your portable hard drive but it wouldn't let me add anything. Am I doing something wrong?

Me @ 12:06 - Ok no worries :) You should be able to add things to the HD...what does it say when you try?

Then no reply. Ok I thought, I was pretty calm. I decided to wait until Sunday to see if she'd initiate something about studying. I decided not to text again, since I was the last one to text and she didn't reply. But then, last night I couldn't help it.

Me @ 19:47 - Donkey Kong tomorrow?

Of course, she might not 'get' this, but it's a reference to someone asking someone out and the other person saying "it's on like Donkey Kong". I thought I'd explain it to her if she asked. In hindsight, I probably should've texted her in Korean.

Immediately after the text, I got a sick feeling in my stomach, like I was dying slowly. I couldn't handle it anymore. I was playing Last of Us but just wanted to go to sleep quickly so I didn't have to consciously wait for it. I knew if I went to sleep, I'd get a message when I woke up, and the wait wouldn't be as excruciating.

Despite that, I woke up a few times checking my phone. Nothing.

Then this morning, after I had woken up and was lying awake in bed, she sent a message:

Her @ 8:28 - Hi [insert name here], I joined a study group for Evidence and we will be going through past paper on Sundays from now on.

My heart dropped. I was angry, and saddened. I was angry because she had decided to tell me this on the morning, as if I had no other plans. I was saddened because it was all over. I had already deleted her number last night, but after receiving this message, I 'left' our Kakaotalk conversation, which she should be able to notice if she checks.

This is how I feel right now:

In other news, I found out today that Jin is still in Australia.

The CIP honeymoon is over...

Just like with my last job, I've felt that the honeymoon period is now over here at the CIP after a year.

It started at the near of the end of the day. Mob had been out for the first half of the day (unexplained) and came back after lunch. Vic had given me some reports and a letter about a CO in his matter. He asked me if I wanted to see it before he gave it to Mob and because I wanted to be diligent, I said yes. I checked it and it seemed ok, so placed it on Mob's chair.

Shortly after she came back, she came to me to ask about the letter. Part of the letter stated that no unlawful activity had been done, which she found contradictory since the whole point of a CO was to do an unlawful authority. I told her I thought that meant the operation didn't involve the under-cover officer giving false information and therefore doing an unlawful act, because I recalled Vic telling me that was one of the options to be decided on the day.

She said the officer obviously did because Gary had told her so. She further said the police officer acted on the information. I thought she meant the under-cover officer and asked "did he?" and she said in a polite but aggressive tone, "yes, here look" and showed me the letter. I was panicking too much to actually read it. I said I'd go speak to Vic about it, but the obvious impression from all this was I didn't know what was going on. I think I just failed to explain myself properly.

I went to Vic and he explained to me that the template actually says "unlawful activity" means anything unlawful outside of the CO, which is why he put it in, which all made sense. So he was right, and Mob was mistaken. I told Mob and fixed the letter. But then the fucking printer fucked up, and Kathryn was right there and didn't offer any help, and I just felt like she was thinking "you can fix it yourself fucker" and I felt myself blushing and sweating.

I had to ask Gabby for help even though I managed to pull the jammed paper out, but when I finally got a proper copy out I gave it to Mob to sign and everything was fixed.

But this was the first time Mob seemed to lose her patience with me, which evidently meant the honeymoon period was over. And the ironic thing is, it all arose out of Mob's mistaken interpretation of the letter. Had I just pretended like I knew nothing about the letter in the first place, I wouldn't have exposed myself like that.

I felt so angry at myself...at her. I made myself stay back and not leave until she did, because I didn't think it'd be a good look to leave before she did.

I bumped into Egghead on the bus and we chatted, but after that when I got home I was still fuming.

Wow. Such pain. So shoulder.

I sat through yesterday's UTS course in very discomforting pain in my left shoulder/neck area. It started that morning while I was still at home. I woke up, had a shower, had breakfast and sat at the computer with no problems at all. Then I got dressed and the pain suddenly came. Just like that.

It was the familiar stabbing pain in my shoulder blades/neck area which I had long suspected was due to bench pressing. When I got home, a Google search showed that this is caused by benching heavier weight than you can manage, or doing it without proper form. Then it clicked - on Saturday there was one set where for a few reps I pumped as fast as I could as I was only doing 10kg.

But the strange thing is, I was alright after that and even did curls. I even went for a jog. I even woke up feeling fine. And then it happened out of nowhere. Makes me wonder what it would've been like had I gone to basketball instead of the class.

Class turned out to be alright. The lecturer recognised me, and for a while I felt a bit embarrassed, before I realised that he probably doesn't remember exactly which class I took with him last time. For all he knew, I was probably in his Ethics class but not the PP one.

One funny thing happened - the guy who sat next to me started dozing off. I noticed he had casts around both his arms, so he couldn't write. And when you have to sit there listening for hours on end without the task of writing, it's easy to sleep. Totally understandably.

Then the next thing I knew, I heard a loud BANG and saw his head smash into the table and drag it forward, almost falling off it before he woke up LOL! Wow. I couldn't believe I wasn't laughing.

Anyway, it turned out that the 'Michael' that Victoria referred to in her message was the same Michael I already knew. Call it insecurity, but when I first read that message, I was thinking some Asian guy more handsome than me. I also wondered what she meant by suggesting I study with him. Did she not want to study with me anymore? Or did she just mean that he was someone I could sit next to in class so I wouldn't feel alone? If the former, I'm in trouble. If the latter, I think you've got yourself a catch.

After class finished I went to the supermarket nearby to get some bread and salmon for lunch in the upcoming week, but turned out to be unnecessary for today anyway, as I took the day off because my neck was still hurting. I seriously had trouble sleeping last night. No matter what position I was in, my neck was hurting. I felt like any slight movement would send shockwaves of pain through my body.

So I stayed at home all day today and played Last of Us. The pain seemed to get a bit more bearable as the day went on.

Victoria everywhere...

Since her message saying she wanted to study at home (instead of meeting me as per usual), I have been slowly losing it. I asked Ele about it on Thursday when we had lunch together. She didn't seem all that interested, though she did say it seemed like Victoria was friendly and I should try to talk about things other than study. Probably not the answer I was looking for.

Anyway, despite my own initiation to not respond to that message, I ended up responding on Monday after work:

Me @ 17:39 - Did you like it? What did you think?

Her @ 18:20 - Bane was too scary and I hate him! But I really like "Crazy, stupid, love." :)

Me @ 18:50 - Haha I liked the bit where Gosling gave Carrell a make over! And the ending was pretty awesome too

It looks like you're churning through the movies...I might need to give you a 100TB hard drive next time ;)

Notice the wink. THE WINK!

Her @ 18:52 - Yes everyday I look forward to coming home as I have "Parks and Recreation" waiting for me. Haha I think Ron is so funny as well as Tom!

Me @ 20:21 - Since you like it so much I won't give you any spoilers then :)

Then no reply. I thought, well ok. But since I was the last to send a message, it really would start to look a bit pushy if I was the next to initiate contact again. So I decided to go with Ele's advice and let Victoria ask about our study session on Sunday (even though I would be going to the UTS course).

Days went by and I had conceded that she might not contact me about it. Maybe she was waiting for me. Or maybe she didn't want to study with me anymore.

Then on Friday, my phone received a message. I thought it'd be funny if it was from her, but then told myself it was probably Jim. I checked my phone, and it was from her.

Her @ 10:58 - Hi [insert name here], is your UTS course for P&P this Sunday?

YES!!! SHE REMEMBERED!!! AND SHE ALSO KNEW I MIGHT BE GOING TO THAT COURSE!!!

I was pretty happy, and decided to wait till the end of the day so I could call her. I figured she was at work, so I'd wait till we both finished work. I missed hearing her voice.

Right on 5 o'clock, I left the office and called her. It rang a while before she picked up. It went something like this:

Her: Hi [insert name here]

Me: Hi, how are you?

Her: I'm good, how are you?

Me: Good. Have you finished work?

Her: Oh I didn't go to work today.

Me: Really? Is everything ok?

I have come to suspect that a possible reason for her seeking out religion was maybe due to health reasons. I mean, you'd really only have problems with money, relationships, and health right? You don't seek out religion because of money troubles. You might if you were going through a hard break up, but I think health is more likely.

Her: Yeah.

Ok, so you don't want to tell me about your health problems.

I told her I was going to the Sunday course, and asked her when her one was. She said it was Saturday. I said that kinda works out well, because it would suck if she had to study for both days of the weekend and she chuckled. I said we can study the Sunday after and she said ok.

I then asked her if she wanted to have fun, get fit and get an education. She asked what, and I asked if she wanted to come to the gym with me after work on Tuesday. She said yes at first and asked what we would do. I asked what she normally does and she said cardio. I asked if she wanted big muscles and she laughed, and it sounded like she would be interested in a bit of weights, but then said she remembered she has a half day on Tuesday if things finish early.

God, she doesn't really work that much does she?

She suggested lunch instead. I then stupidly said we could still do gym at lunch if she wanted, as that was what I sometimes did during lunch. We agreed to see, and she said she'd text me on Tuesday morning. She wished me a good weekend and we ended the call.

After the call, I felt better about things again. Less insecure. I know it's like a re-run, but sometimes my insecurity really gets the better of me.

I went to see the football with Matt and Aaron, and at times all around the stadium were banner ads for the beer Victoria Bitter. Hmmm. Then when I got home, I checked a letter on my desk and saw that the address was from Victoria. Hmmmm.

Weight creep

For a long time now, I've weighed around 67kg, and had made efforts to try to get down to what I thought would be an ideal playing weight of 65kg.

However, since I started taking the creatine that Nick gave me, or maybe around the time of my bar exams, I noticed I started putting on a bit of weight. It really wasn't much at first - seeing 68kg on the scale at the gym just made me think it was a fluctuation. Then it seemed to fly past 69kg and now I'm at 70kg - heading towards 71kg.

It's gotten me quite worried. I really don't know what's up. My diet hasn't really changed that much. I caved and had KFC twice in the last fortnight, but I still had these lapses back when I was 67kg. Or even more.I just can't explain it, and that's what is troubling me. Is it playing once a week now instead of three? Maybe it has to do with all those gym sessions in the last two months where I went and only did the bike, because it was too packed to do anything else?

How can a guy who walks an hour to work each weekday, plays one hour of basketball on a Wednesday night and three hours on a Saturday morning, put on weight? Seriously?

I had come to accept that it was indeed a sign of getting old, and something to do with my metabolism. But still, surely there would be a way to fight against it? I went for a run and did a lap today, and feeling my stomach as I was walking back home, it felt even bulgier. What the? I remembered my mom telling me that a 'fortune teller' once said when I was young that I'd become fat after 30. Was that coming to fruition now?

I've also come to accept that I put a lot of shit in my mouth. So I'm really starting to make a conscious effort now about what I eat. Like last night when I was at the Australia vs New Zealand rugby game with Matt and Aaron, I bought a bottle of water with my food, even though I was tempted to get a bottle of Sprite.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do now. Like, if I get asked to go for work drinks, I've always had a lemonade because I don't drink. Now I have to try to stay away from that. What the hell, am I going to ask for a glass of water each time??

Anyway, I've re-discovered the gym at Bond Street for after work sessions, which has a lot more room, so hopefully I can work this weight off.