Penning a letter to Jin

I started the day feeling ok, but was pretty much shut down in the morning when I approached Mob. Ross had given me a CO application a while ago, and Mob identified an issue which was rectified by Ross. So Ross gave me the revised copy last week, and on Thursday I had sent it to Mob for review.

Yesterday I emailed Mob asking if she wanted to sign off on it or if she wanted the boss to do it, as he had returned from leave yesterday. Till today I still didn't hear anything back, so I went to her office. I started with an in-joke about the word 'capricious', which she merely smiled at. When the CO application was brought up, she asked "I thought I said I would approve it?" and I thought she meant she had given the nod to the proposed revision so I said yes. Then she bluntly said "well where is it?" so I handed it to her.

It was just the bluntness that she said it with, almost rude and disrespectful. Not sure what I've done, but I feel like I'm in her bad books now. I returned to my desk feeling like I almost wanted to cry. I thought about the Simpsons episode where this happened:

and pretended that I was doing it for Jin. If I had never given her that money, I'd have a bit of money saved up by now and I seriously wonder if I'd put up with shit anymore.

I started focusing on my work but then sometime during the day, my scumbag brain got the idea that maybe I should write a letter to Jin. I guess it was a combination of the psychologist's idea and mine. His idea was to write it and not send it. My idea was to write it and send it. If I did a former version it'd be pretty blunt. But given she is using two profile pictures now taken when we were together, I figured I could tone it down and maybe use it to get back with her - provided I didn't give her anymore money. No harm, is there?

So come 5pm, I rushed home to get my laptop, then drove out to the sea side to type it up. I had to check some of my old entries on here to get the chronology right, and seeing some old SMS messages nearly made me cry.

Without further ado, here is a draft of the letter:

Hi Jin,

How are you? I hope you are well. It has been more than 6 months since we have seen each other. Has it really been that long? I still think about you. Are you studying now? How is your foot? 

I know you say I send you too many messages, but I communicate better through writing, so I thought I would send you a letter to tell you things I never got a chance to tell you. Hopefully you can have a friend help you translate if it is too much English. 

I’m no longer angry about what has happened, but I am still a little bit sad. Sometimes I wonder how we ended up like this? I guess money always complicates things in a relationship. 

Do you remember the first time we went on a date? I didn’t think you would come, but I remember when I was walking to G-Star, I saw you were calling me and looking around for me. I thought it was a little bit funny, because maybe you thought I wouldn’t come either.

We had dinner at Hurricane’s, and I remember you had steak without any sauce. I was afraid the steak would be a little dry for you without sauce. On one of the last times we saw each other, I remember you said you wanted to go back to Hurricanes for dinner again. I told myself that this time I would get you some sauce for your steak J 

When I walked you home after dinner, and we were standing on the street near the traffic lights, I wanted to kiss you, but I thought maybe it was too fast. But I want to tell you, that that was the happiest night of my life. I really enjoyed going out with you that night. Actually, I enjoyed every moment I was with you, even when we were fighting. 

Your birthday

The next time we went out was for your birthday. I remember praying that it would not rain, but it did rain a little bit. The best memory I have at the zoo is when you ran after a duck – you looked so happy J When you are happy, I am happy. 

After the zoo I took you to La Perouse, the place with water and rocks, to give you your birthday present. I was really disappointed when you did not like the present. I think this is where we are really different – I can appreciate just the thought that someone gave me a present, no matter what it is. 

Do you remember we went to dinner that night with Mimi, and you got so drunk you sat down on the restaurant floor? And you made me carry you back to your apartment. It was pretty hard, because you kept on slipping off my back. I kept telling myself I needed to get you home safely. I was glad you liked the birthday cake I got for you. 

Valentine’s Day

This was a few days after your birthday. I know it was really hard for you to take time off work to meet me, so I was very grateful. Thank you. We went to dinner at Pancakes on The Rocks, and I had booked a hotel for the night. I still remember you telling me you were not that type of girl, haha, do you remember that? I respected you for that. I know you saw how disappointed I was because I had paid for the hotel already, so you agreed to spend the night with me without being intimate. Thank you. 

Helping you

I was trying to think of ways to help you. Do you remember our talk at the water side near the casino? At that time I didn’t know your problem was financial; I was trying to help you with your visa. 

After that talk, we went to karaoke with Julie and her boyfriend. That guy was an idiot wasn’t he? I still remember you in the karaoke room telling Julie to restrain herself when that guy was trying to kiss her. I really respected you for that. 

Unfortunately, that was the night of our first break up. You told me you needed $90,000 to get out of the job. A few nights later, we talked on the phone and Julie translated for you. She told me you needed the money for your uncle’s hospital fees. Do you remember when we met the next time in Villawood, you told me the money was for your mother’s hospital fees? Maybe I was blind in love, but I chose to believe you. 

By now you said you needed $50,000. I told you yes at first, but later said I could only give you $40,000 because my mother needed eye surgery. That is the truth. My mother’s eyesight has been deteriorating very badly. I fear she will go blind, and sometimes I cry at night when I think of that. 

I could never give you $40,000 in one go. Maybe that is my fault for not explaining it properly in the first place, I am sorry. There were legal reasons why I could not withdraw that much money at one time. The best I could do was give you $5,000 per week. I know you think I didn’t have the $40,000 to give you, but I really did. I have the bank statement to show you. I just could not give to you all together at one time. 

After I had given you $15,000, I realised you had lied about your mother’s health. But you know what? I still gave you $10,000 more after that. Maybe I am stupid, but I just wanted to help you. Why did you lie to me? I don’t know. But I do believe you are in debt to loan sharks. Am I stupid for believing that? Only you can answer that. 

I know you were angry the money stopped, but I hope you can see it as me at least helping you with $25,000 – even if it was not the $40,000 you were hoping for. When I was young, my mother always told me money was more important than relationships. I told her she was wrong, because I valued relationships much more than money. That is probably why I trusted your word and gave you the money. I was just upset that you had lied to me. 

I was also upset about the night when you would not let me sleep and hit my face to ask for my money. Jin, if you hit someone, only one of two things will happen: either they hit you back, or they walk away. I would never hurt you, so I chose to walk away that night. 

I am sorry I sent that message about posting your photos on the internet. I would never do anything like that to hurt you. But when you broke up with me after I said I could not give you $1200 because I had to pay for my car, I got really angry. It made me think that you only liked my money, not me. Can you please try to understand it from my perspective? How would you feel if you gave me $25,000 and then I disappeared? Would you be angry? 

Since our break up, I have tried to understand it from your perspective. I think you do not want a boyfriend while working. So if you can have the money to leave the job, then you can have a boyfriend. But if you cannot have the money to leave your job, then you cannot have a boyfriend. Am I right? It is a difficult situation. 

I am sorry about going to your home in Korea. But I needed to convince myself of the truth. I did not tell your mother any information about your job or your debt. I just wanted to know if she was sick. Seoul is a nice place. I really like o-deng. Unfortunately it was really cold. Maybe we can travel there together one day? 

Now, I am not angry anymore. I am calmer and can think about our situation clearly. I still think about our happy times together. Sometimes I smile when I remember the small things you did for me. Do you remember one day, after I had given you the money at the café, I took out my work card from the plastic case and could not close it? I struggled to close it a few times but you closed it quite easily. 

Then there was the time when you knew my lips were dry so you bought me a lip gloss. And I also remember you telling me you would buy me a fragrance. I waited, but you never bought it. But that didn’t matter, I was just happy that you thought about it J I am a really simple man, Jin. I just wanted to love you and have you love me back. I don’t need expensive things because none of that matters. 

I still think about you every day. What are you doing? Are you eating healthy? Are you drinking too much soju? But more importantly, I wonder if this is how it ends? Will we ever see each other again? Sometimes I wish I could turn back time and undo some things that made you angry, like when I asked you to feed the ducks with a broken foot. 

Maybe this is the end? Or maybe we can learn from this and be stronger together? Do you remember that time when we were driving on Parramatta Road, and I pointed out the wedding dresses to you? Later you asked me why I did that, and I said I was joking. I am sorry I said that. I was not joking. I really had plans to marry you. I miss holding your hand when I drive.

Sometimes I think we both made mistakes, and that this is just a big fight that got out of control. In hindsight, I should have stayed calm and not said anything when you said to break up. I knew you just needed time. I am sorry I panicked, but I just loved you and was afraid to lose you. 

After so long, I can feel my heart is at peace. But no matter what happens or who I meet in the future, I know I will always love you, and you will always be in my heart.

I have no intentions of sending this to her - for now.  I figured I'll wait until either the end of this week if Victoria flakes on me again, or until after my exam in June.