Emotions cut off

"There's a switch, I flip, emotions cut off"
-- Welcome 2 Hell, Eminem & Royce Da 5'9"

Although I told myself yesterday not to message her until about Friday, I couldn't help myself and went to bed with my phone. As I laid there, I texted a message.

Me @ 22:31 - Are you ok? Is everything ok??

I laid there, half trying to fall asleep, and half waiting for that Ryu ringtone of mine. I never got it.

This morning, I didn't feel ready for work. I had a sort of a big weekend. I mean, I went punting for three nights in a row and blew a load of cash. On top of that I met with two girls who were complete strangers. It was a hangover, just not the alcoholic type.

However, I got into work easier than expected. Preparing for the upcoming week and tomorrow's list assist kept me very busy. So busy in fact, that I went to lunch at a bit past 1pm, whereas a lot of my office days I'm waiting for the clock to strike 12 to go eat.

I turned my phone off silent waiting for a message to come through.

My plan was kinda to call the shop after work. I was fairly confident she'd be working by now, and I was thinking back and forth whether I should see her if she was.

In the late afternoon I was in Moira's room preparing the files for tomorrow. She seems to take an extremely casual approach to it. I don't even think she looked at any of them. She said she just deals with it on the day. I, on the other hand, like to make sure I know everything ahead and that everything is ready to go. However, I think it'll be interesting tomorrow to see us in action, both being ex-defence lawyers. You saw a hint of it today, when we were both making fun of some subs someone else did, lol.

Mary stopped by for a chat, which usually means at least 10-20 minutes taken out of your time. I walked back to my room after a while and checked my phone. There was a message. I obviously didn't hear it whilst in Moira's room. I wondered who it could be. A small part of me hoped it would be Naby, but I knew better. I had already set my expectations so that she'd send me a message later in the week, if at all. Anyway, I read the message.

Naby @ 16:04 - Yeah.. I am ok.. May be I go to work this week Friday and saturday. Because I go to school ever week 5 days.

I was surprised she replied, even though it was so much later. I didn't know what to say. I mean, obviously I was going to say something like I'll see you on Friday/Saturday, but I didn't want to reply straight away.

As time passed, the message sunk in a bit more. I wasn't sure if I should be so happy she replied. It obviously seems like she only wanted to see me at work, not outside of work. That really put a downer on me. What Shuing said about "feeling empty" really hit home to me.

It was so bad, that after work (I left at 5:30ish) I took a walk towards the casino, thinking about it. I first headed to Town Hall. I then crossed the road and walked towards Darling Harbour. I figured it'd be good to sit down on the water side and read that message some more. But then I found myself walking through the shops on my former usual route to the casino. When I got through the shops, I figured I'd sit by the water nearby, but I ended up walking towards the casino.

I made my way in there. I really think the type of air they ventilate in there is very synthetic. It really gets the heart pumping. I first checked out the baccarat tables, then went to the roulette tables. I did think about withdrawing some cash and dumping $800-$1000 on one spin, but when I watched one spin and pretended I placed a bet on black and the third column, the number was 19...I would've lost all my money just like that.

I walked around a bit, but mainly stayed around the roulette tables. I watched as a black man in a business suit lost all his chips and walked away lonely. I knew that feeling. And what's more, I knew he was feeling it. I watched another guy exchange $500 for chips, then lost it in one spin. I watched as he took another $500 out and lost it in the next spin. I overheard a guy talking to another guy behind me saying "he just lost $1,000". Wow, that could've been me.

I eventually made my way out. One thing I noticed about the unfinished refurbished casino is that there are no seats for people to just sit and do nothing. All seats are attached to some game. If you're not playing, then you're standing.

As I walked back out, I figured it'd be much safer to just buy shares in the casino. It's good to have the house advantage.

I went to the supermarket nearby and bought a 'limeade' drink, which was pretty sour. I then went through the Harbour shops again and bought a large fries from Macca's. I was thinking about the Naby message in the back of my mind. I felt conflicted now. As I walked back to the bus stop, I would wish I could be like Eminem - just cut off my emotions. I wished I could be cold.

Now, I didn't like her so much. Maybe it wasn't so much about the content of the message. Maybe I just didn't like being ignored, and I just wanted to prove something. Now that she had replied, I knew I hadn't been ignored and felt like the 'power' was in my court again. Another part of me didn't really want to spend another $220-$270 given my recent splurge. And then another part of me queried whether I'd even have time on Friday and Saturday to see her.

Having had more time to think now that I'm home, maybe it's not as negative as I thought. Again, I seem to impose on her my untold words. How would she really know you wanted to see her outside of work? Did you expect her to ask you out? Also, if you don't go, how would you even try to get her back? By text messages?! I think if I want any chance, I'd have to see her in the shop at least once more.

I also wonder whether ensuring just one customer such as myself is such a big deal for her. Surely if I wasn't there she wouldn't lost out on much. Also, it's kinda surprising that she still wants to see you, even if it's just as a customer, after all this time when this year you would regularly go 3-4 weeks without seeing her. If she was really money hungry, she probably would've left you behind a long time ago. Also, I can now see why previously she never sent me messages such as "long time no see, when are you coming next?" because it was sooooo obvious as a money making tactic. Maybe she didn't want to come off as that? Maybe at least a small part of her wants to see me because she likes me? Or at least, doesn't find me repulsive?