Tapping into my dark side
This will be given to my counsellor.
--------------------------------------------
"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone"
-- Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day
It's 10am and I have just come back from the courts. It was peaceful, mind clearing to be by myself just practising my shot. It also gave me the opportunity to think about how to approach this.
When I had 20 more shots to go, both my knees started hurting a little. One possibility was that I could just stop and go home. But another part of me wanted to finish it for the sake of completeness.
You could tear another ACL.
Screw it, I'm finishing this.
You're going to be so sore tomorrow that you won't be able to come back to practice.
Screw it.
Maybe part of my gambling addiction is my competitiveness. This reminds me of one time when I was at the table, and had about $800 in chips. I wanted to win just $25 more, and ended up losing the whole $800. Dumb.
I've come to realise that my gambling urges come in split second thoughts, darting in and out of my mind. If there is a net of boredom/depression/excuses wide enough to catch it, the dart sticks and the thoughts start expanding, reasoning for me to go to the casino.
What are these darts like? They can be triggered by things like lack of success with girls, thinking about money, thinking about things I need/want to buy, or just plain boredom. The darts can be quick snippets of thoughts like:
Maybe you should go to the casino.
You've had a stressful/tough day/week.
You have nothing else to do.
You're home alone now. You have the freedom to do whatever you want.
You bought something for $50 on your credit card. If you go win $50, you can cover it with that.
Well, you've got money owing on your credit card anyway, what's a bit more?
Sometimes the urge is a bit stronger. I think about taking in that first breath of the casino air conditioning, and liken it to a heroin addict shooting up. There is just something about taking those first steps into the casino that gives you a bit of a high (I have read that casinos may pump more oxygen into the air in there). Sometimes I fantasise about indulging by recklessly throwing chips all over the table and seeing what I would get.
These 'darts' are usually brushed off if I'm pre-occupied with something else. But like I said, if the net of boredom/depression/excuses is wide enough, thoughts start catching on and reasoning with me:
Just go have a gamble, you haven't been in a few weeks anyway, what's one gamble every few weeks?
You use $1000, win $100-200 and get out. Simple.
What are the odds that the ball won't land in your sector ONCE? That's all you need right? Just one landing.
Why not me?
But what if I lose?
If you lose, just use $1000 from your savings to cover it. Or your next pay cheque will cover it.
It's just money. Money lost can be made back.
What are the odds that it will land outside your sector eight times in a row??
This last line of reasoning developed as thus: before a coin is flipped, if you guess it will be heads, you have a ½ chance of getting it right. But what are the odds if you bet that it will be heads two times in a row, before the first toss? It will be ½ x ½ = 1/4, or 25%. So for it to be eight times in a row, it would be ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ = 1/256. Accordingly, because there's only a 1/256 chance of it landing outside of my sector eight times in a row, then after two or three times it should be safe to bet my sector.
I now know this to be the gambler's fallacy.
I have about $700 cash at hand in the bank right now after selling some shares. I plan to buy other shares with it, but a small part of me can't help but think I should go take a chance with it.
Just go use it to win $25.
Your mother always chastises your dad for playing it too safe and never taking any risks. Well here's your chance to take on some risks.
Sometimes I feel like I have no aim, no goal in life. Back when I had a credit card debt of $12k, my goal was to get rid of it. Now that I'm no longer in debt, it's like I have nothing left to achieve. It's like I have a sense of freedom without purpose. You know the saying "the sky is the limit"? Well it's like the inverse reasoning of that - it's too hard to reach the sky anyway, so why bother.
If the above are enough to convince me to go out to the casino, I put my credit card in my wallet and it's game on.
At the casino
I'll look for an ATM to withdraw the $1000 - preferably one that doesn't charge the $2 fee that applies when you use one not from your own bank. Funny that, when you're planning to spend $1000, what's $2 more?
Approaching the familiar entrance to the casino, I'll nod to the security who always seem to let me in without checking my ID. I am fairly sure the 'eyes in the sky' tell them I am a regular coming back.
Inhaling the air-conditioning instils a sense of excitement into my veins. I walk to the roulette tables, trying hard not to walk too eagerly. I stay away from empty tables, and tables that are jam packed. My ideal table is one which has one or two players playing, with the middle seat vacant.
I pull out $500 in cash and lay it on the table, and ask for colour chips. The dealer will ask if I have a member's card, and I always say no. They push five stacks of chips towards me as I begin analysing the history of numbers. It's possible they weren't spun by this dealer, but I just assume they were. I mentally count down the list of numbers:
No.
No.
Yes.
No.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
Where 'no' means the ball landed not in my sector, and 'yes' means it did. So from the above I would usually conclude that in general, the ball lands in my sector once every three spins, which is about the average, given the numbers I bet on cover about one third of the wheel.
I will wait until two non-sectors appear, and then place a bet with $100 worth of chips spread around my sector. These numbers seem to be so ingrained into my mind, that even after a year of abstinence I had no trouble remembering them. Sometimes I may sit there through several spins without betting, and in a different way, it feels as good as placing a bet. I don't know what it feels like for a person to sit at a bar alone and drink their sorrows away, but I'd imagine it'd be pretty close to this.
A win 'confirms' my suspicions about the ball landing in my sector once in every three spins. A loss makes me go "ouch" and I prepare the next stack of chips, thinking that it is now more likely than before that it will land in my sector.
If I get down to my last stack, I pull out another $500 worth of notes and ask for more chips. I feel like ammunition has been reloaded in a gun, but am also conscious that I am now down $400. That means putting more onto the table to make more back.
It will be betting on my sector again, or the inverse of the sector depending on my confidence, but now instead of $100 per spin, it's $200, or $300. Needless to say, if I get it wrong one or two more times, I'm done.
Putting that last $100 out onto the table is a really depleting feeling. Why not keep it and go home? I guess because it's just "another $100" and this one last chance could bring me back. I watch as the ball lands outside of my bets. I am filled with frustration as I walk away from the table.
How could I be so stupid?
Why did I come here?
Why couldn't I just be content staying at home, and enjoying the simple things, like reading a book, or washing my car?
Do you have any idea how much $1000 will set me back??
I can't continue living on like this...
I need to stop gambling and get my life together. I'm not young anymore. I can't afford to fuck around anymore.
Ok, I will not gamble from this day on!
Walking away from the casino, it is almost as if I am walking with my head down. Everything seems to be in black and white, and nothing has any flavour. I am depleted, depressed, and feeling extremely stupid. I tell myself to cut up my credit card. I wish I had never discovered gambling in the first place.
--------------------------------------------
"I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone"
-- Boulevard of Broken Dreams, Green Day
It's 10am and I have just come back from the courts. It was peaceful, mind clearing to be by myself just practising my shot. It also gave me the opportunity to think about how to approach this.
When I had 20 more shots to go, both my knees started hurting a little. One possibility was that I could just stop and go home. But another part of me wanted to finish it for the sake of completeness.
You could tear another ACL.
Screw it, I'm finishing this.
You're going to be so sore tomorrow that you won't be able to come back to practice.
Screw it.
Maybe part of my gambling addiction is my competitiveness. This reminds me of one time when I was at the table, and had about $800 in chips. I wanted to win just $25 more, and ended up losing the whole $800. Dumb.
I've come to realise that my gambling urges come in split second thoughts, darting in and out of my mind. If there is a net of boredom/depression/excuses wide enough to catch it, the dart sticks and the thoughts start expanding, reasoning for me to go to the casino.
What are these darts like? They can be triggered by things like lack of success with girls, thinking about money, thinking about things I need/want to buy, or just plain boredom. The darts can be quick snippets of thoughts like:
Maybe you should go to the casino.
You've had a stressful/tough day/week.
You have nothing else to do.
You're home alone now. You have the freedom to do whatever you want.
You bought something for $50 on your credit card. If you go win $50, you can cover it with that.
Well, you've got money owing on your credit card anyway, what's a bit more?
Sometimes the urge is a bit stronger. I think about taking in that first breath of the casino air conditioning, and liken it to a heroin addict shooting up. There is just something about taking those first steps into the casino that gives you a bit of a high (I have read that casinos may pump more oxygen into the air in there). Sometimes I fantasise about indulging by recklessly throwing chips all over the table and seeing what I would get.
These 'darts' are usually brushed off if I'm pre-occupied with something else. But like I said, if the net of boredom/depression/excuses is wide enough, thoughts start catching on and reasoning with me:
Just go have a gamble, you haven't been in a few weeks anyway, what's one gamble every few weeks?
You use $1000, win $100-200 and get out. Simple.
What are the odds that the ball won't land in your sector ONCE? That's all you need right? Just one landing.
Why not me?
But what if I lose?
If you lose, just use $1000 from your savings to cover it. Or your next pay cheque will cover it.
It's just money. Money lost can be made back.
What are the odds that it will land outside your sector eight times in a row??
This last line of reasoning developed as thus: before a coin is flipped, if you guess it will be heads, you have a ½ chance of getting it right. But what are the odds if you bet that it will be heads two times in a row, before the first toss? It will be ½ x ½ = 1/4, or 25%. So for it to be eight times in a row, it would be ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ x ½ = 1/256. Accordingly, because there's only a 1/256 chance of it landing outside of my sector eight times in a row, then after two or three times it should be safe to bet my sector.
I now know this to be the gambler's fallacy.
I have about $700 cash at hand in the bank right now after selling some shares. I plan to buy other shares with it, but a small part of me can't help but think I should go take a chance with it.
Just go use it to win $25.
Your mother always chastises your dad for playing it too safe and never taking any risks. Well here's your chance to take on some risks.
Sometimes I feel like I have no aim, no goal in life. Back when I had a credit card debt of $12k, my goal was to get rid of it. Now that I'm no longer in debt, it's like I have nothing left to achieve. It's like I have a sense of freedom without purpose. You know the saying "the sky is the limit"? Well it's like the inverse reasoning of that - it's too hard to reach the sky anyway, so why bother.
If the above are enough to convince me to go out to the casino, I put my credit card in my wallet and it's game on.
At the casino
I'll look for an ATM to withdraw the $1000 - preferably one that doesn't charge the $2 fee that applies when you use one not from your own bank. Funny that, when you're planning to spend $1000, what's $2 more?
Approaching the familiar entrance to the casino, I'll nod to the security who always seem to let me in without checking my ID. I am fairly sure the 'eyes in the sky' tell them I am a regular coming back.
Inhaling the air-conditioning instils a sense of excitement into my veins. I walk to the roulette tables, trying hard not to walk too eagerly. I stay away from empty tables, and tables that are jam packed. My ideal table is one which has one or two players playing, with the middle seat vacant.
I pull out $500 in cash and lay it on the table, and ask for colour chips. The dealer will ask if I have a member's card, and I always say no. They push five stacks of chips towards me as I begin analysing the history of numbers. It's possible they weren't spun by this dealer, but I just assume they were. I mentally count down the list of numbers:
No.
No.
Yes.
No.
No.
Yes.
Yes.
No.
Where 'no' means the ball landed not in my sector, and 'yes' means it did. So from the above I would usually conclude that in general, the ball lands in my sector once every three spins, which is about the average, given the numbers I bet on cover about one third of the wheel.
I will wait until two non-sectors appear, and then place a bet with $100 worth of chips spread around my sector. These numbers seem to be so ingrained into my mind, that even after a year of abstinence I had no trouble remembering them. Sometimes I may sit there through several spins without betting, and in a different way, it feels as good as placing a bet. I don't know what it feels like for a person to sit at a bar alone and drink their sorrows away, but I'd imagine it'd be pretty close to this.
A win 'confirms' my suspicions about the ball landing in my sector once in every three spins. A loss makes me go "ouch" and I prepare the next stack of chips, thinking that it is now more likely than before that it will land in my sector.
If I get down to my last stack, I pull out another $500 worth of notes and ask for more chips. I feel like ammunition has been reloaded in a gun, but am also conscious that I am now down $400. That means putting more onto the table to make more back.
It will be betting on my sector again, or the inverse of the sector depending on my confidence, but now instead of $100 per spin, it's $200, or $300. Needless to say, if I get it wrong one or two more times, I'm done.
Putting that last $100 out onto the table is a really depleting feeling. Why not keep it and go home? I guess because it's just "another $100" and this one last chance could bring me back. I watch as the ball lands outside of my bets. I am filled with frustration as I walk away from the table.
How could I be so stupid?
Why did I come here?
Why couldn't I just be content staying at home, and enjoying the simple things, like reading a book, or washing my car?
Do you have any idea how much $1000 will set me back??
I can't continue living on like this...
I need to stop gambling and get my life together. I'm not young anymore. I can't afford to fuck around anymore.
Ok, I will not gamble from this day on!
Walking away from the casino, it is almost as if I am walking with my head down. Everything seems to be in black and white, and nothing has any flavour. I am depleted, depressed, and feeling extremely stupid. I tell myself to cut up my credit card. I wish I had never discovered gambling in the first place.
posted by toey | 10:00
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