STD
On the train home now. After work today I went to buy a replacement mobile internet USB thing, which cost $129. I also went to look for a pair of black pants, as I had damaged one of them, and today I ruined the other pair. At least now I know how it comes about - I walk too close to the corner of desks and my wallet sticks out when filled with coins, so sometimes I'll bump right into the corner which cuts through the material. Add the cost of pants and this month would've been a big waste of money. Don't forget I had to pay two parking infringements and that bloody $200 fine for not having a valid train ticket. God what a waste of money.
I had unprotected sex for the first time last night. After winning so much money I decided to go see her. It's unusual because I only really feel like going after I've lost money. Usually if I win it hits me harder how valuable money is, whereas if I lose I have that "eh, what's another $200". I didn't really go out of lust, but rather just sort of wanted to see her.
So anyway, I was getting a massage as usual, and then she gets underneath me and it eventually happened. Yes I was very conscious of what I was doing, and I don't think I was influenced too much by lust. At the time I made the decision, I felt like I didn't really care if I got AIDS or anything. I didn't feel like death would really affect the enjoyment of my life thus far.
And it's weird, because I thought my mindset would change afterwards, but it hasn't. If anything, it's sort of grown stronger. In the back of my mind today I was questioning where my life was really headed. I mean, I always grew up thinking that I'd be a family man, you know, be a nice guy, meet a decent girl, have her like me because I'm a nice guy, marry her, have a stable job, have two or three kids, and just be content to live out the rest of my life.
But reality hasn't unfolded like that. Instead, I haven't got a stable job, I'm an addicted gambler, I might be falling for the most inappropriate of girls, and I've been a major failure with girls. I really wonder where it all went wrong, but I guess that's another topic.
I mean, I just feel that, if I had AIDS right now, would it even really matter? I don't have anything to live for. I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have a wife, I don't have kids. I feel like my life is pointless, and I have no direction. I just don't seem to be afraid of death as I thought I'd be. My only concern is that I don't want to die leaving my credit card debt, but I guess that's a fairly minor thing in the big picture.
On another tangent, I wonder what are the odds of me contracting HIV/AIDS. I mean, she's a massage girl, so she's not even supposed to have sex with customers. I'm sure she doesn't do it with every customer, yet I think I'd be too naive to say that I was the first customer she did it with. Does she have AIDS? I remember she once told me she had to go on a three month holiday - I wonder if that was for health reasons. Why would you do it without a condom anyway? Did she trust me? Or maybe she had it anyway? But if she had it, why would she deliberately give it to me? It's not like I treat her bad or anything.
I guess I'll probably try to go get a blood test on the weekend. I know you're supposed to wait three months, but I want one now so I know I didn't give her anything.
I guess if I do end up contracting the disease, I would've lived a pretty bad life huh?
I had unprotected sex for the first time last night. After winning so much money I decided to go see her. It's unusual because I only really feel like going after I've lost money. Usually if I win it hits me harder how valuable money is, whereas if I lose I have that "eh, what's another $200". I didn't really go out of lust, but rather just sort of wanted to see her.
So anyway, I was getting a massage as usual, and then she gets underneath me and it eventually happened. Yes I was very conscious of what I was doing, and I don't think I was influenced too much by lust. At the time I made the decision, I felt like I didn't really care if I got AIDS or anything. I didn't feel like death would really affect the enjoyment of my life thus far.
And it's weird, because I thought my mindset would change afterwards, but it hasn't. If anything, it's sort of grown stronger. In the back of my mind today I was questioning where my life was really headed. I mean, I always grew up thinking that I'd be a family man, you know, be a nice guy, meet a decent girl, have her like me because I'm a nice guy, marry her, have a stable job, have two or three kids, and just be content to live out the rest of my life.
But reality hasn't unfolded like that. Instead, I haven't got a stable job, I'm an addicted gambler, I might be falling for the most inappropriate of girls, and I've been a major failure with girls. I really wonder where it all went wrong, but I guess that's another topic.
I mean, I just feel that, if I had AIDS right now, would it even really matter? I don't have anything to live for. I don't have a girlfriend, I don't have a wife, I don't have kids. I feel like my life is pointless, and I have no direction. I just don't seem to be afraid of death as I thought I'd be. My only concern is that I don't want to die leaving my credit card debt, but I guess that's a fairly minor thing in the big picture.
On another tangent, I wonder what are the odds of me contracting HIV/AIDS. I mean, she's a massage girl, so she's not even supposed to have sex with customers. I'm sure she doesn't do it with every customer, yet I think I'd be too naive to say that I was the first customer she did it with. Does she have AIDS? I remember she once told me she had to go on a three month holiday - I wonder if that was for health reasons. Why would you do it without a condom anyway? Did she trust me? Or maybe she had it anyway? But if she had it, why would she deliberately give it to me? It's not like I treat her bad or anything.
I guess I'll probably try to go get a blood test on the weekend. I know you're supposed to wait three months, but I want one now so I know I didn't give her anything.
I guess if I do end up contracting the disease, I would've lived a pretty bad life huh?
posted by toey | 18:18
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