Recovery day

This morning I drove out to her house and placed the usb on her door handle to return it. I thought this was a good a time as any, given she will be moving soon anyway.

When I got home, I decided to take the day off work and recover. I'd do the Rupert Murdoch thing, where he gets sad for one day and then gets over it.

For most of the day, I felt ok. Sometimes a bit sad, but sometimes I would have bursts of positive thoughts, like how it was a good thing that I did it now rather than later. I felt like I could've gone deeper in terms of my feelings for her, so it was good to do it now while it wasn't as severe.

However, I think most of my sadness was in the subconscious mind. I played Last of Us and had horrible games. No matter how hard I tried, I wasn't myself. Maybe it was a good thing I didn't go to work.

I had sold some shares on Friday and was waiting for the money to come into my account so I could go gambling. I waited all day and in the end it never came.

So at 6pm I drove out, withdrew $800 from my credit card and went to the casino. I went to a table where there was a fairly talkative Vietnamese looking dealer with a not so talkative old man. I probably didn't help as I sat there quietly while she spun. I realised that the casino was now a place for me to come and think. Kinda like the equivalent of a bar for someone who drinks. Only that I could lose or win money. Mostly lose I suppose.

I was up at around $160 before almost losing all my chips. That streak of the 0-3 sector nearly killed me. Later on there was pit boss change. The girl looked quite young. I heard her say she was 27 when she was talking to the dealer. She had dyed hair and rectangular glasses which suited her face and eyes perfectly. I thought she was quite attractive in a plain Jane kinda way. Her name was Sally. I would've guessed she was Chinese.

Then there was a dealer change. Another female, whom I would've guessed was Chinese. Then I heard this dealer and the pit boss speaking another language. Was it...yes it was. It was Korean.

I decided to leave when I was up $160 as it was time to go to basketball anyway. I thought I would say "thank you" in Korean, but my self doubt kept asking "what if you're wrong?" As she presented the chips count to the pit boss and handed it to me, I said "is it, kamsahamnida?" but I only mumbled the "is it" and they only heard the last word. They both laughed as I walked away.

I need to have more confidence in myself.

Which reminds me, today at home I watched a youtube video on self esteem. It made some good points. I need to watch it again.

So after the casino I went to my car and found a parking ticket for $104. Great.

I then drove off to basketball. We won, rather easily in the end. For 3/4 of the game it seemed to be close, but we pulled away and won by like 22 or something. I scored like four or six points and ran the court, handing out assists. For most of the game I felt ok, though there were moments when I would think about what had happened with Victoria.

After the game, everyone was shooting around and I just sat there. I felt too old and tired to shoot around with them, but on top of that I felt sad as well. It was like my adrenaline wearing off also revealed my sadness. I sat there for a long time which must've seemed weird.

I drove to the Macca's near home to get some food to eat. I hadn't eaten anything all day apart from finishing 3/4 of a pack of chips and some biscuits. I just didn't have an appetite. It's funny how your mood can affect your appetite.

Anyway, I guess it's time to move on.