Relapse

On Friday, I thought about Steve at my old job and how, even though he just keeps to himself while working, he is quite talkative and funny when there are legitimate reasons to be around people. So I thought I'd take that approach as we headed into our usual Friday meeting.

It turned out well, because whilst Mob hadn't arrived yet, I asked everyone if they saw the Four Corners program on Monday night about authorities capturing our data, which Mob asked about when she arrived and which led to a long discussion about the issue.

Good job.

As I was reading stuff after that in my room, my mind began wondering. It seemed likely that things would end with Erica.

I should 'celebrate'.

I should go throw $5,000 on the roulette table.

Shit! That's my addiction talking!

Despite nearly five months of being gamble free and completing counselling, this bug was still with me. I started giving it more and more thought.

No. The new KFC pie is out. Go treat yourself with that during lunch.

You know, you could easily withdraw the money from the bank, head over to the casino, have a few games and come back. All within the hour.

Damnit, shut up. I'm going to call the Gambling Helpline at lunch. I feel like talking to someone anyway.

Alright, KFC it is. And G-line.

However, I needed a place to speak to someone in confidence. I decided the bridge leading to the casino would be ideal.

I stopped outside the bank.

No no, what are you doing?

I used my phone to transfer $2,000 from my personal loan account.

I'll just take it with me. I'll call G-line, they'll talk me out of it, and I'll come back and return the money. I just want to see what time it would be by the time I reached the casino area.

I withdrew $2,000 from the bank and headed off. I never called G-line.

I went into the casino. Things had changed. The roulette tables were no longer on the left. I went to the right where some were. All the $5 tables were taken. Shit.

I reluctantly went to an empty $10 table. I bought $1,000 worth of chips. I felt confused. Maybe because it was a $10 table and I needed to double everything in my calculations. Or maybe it was because I hadn't played for so long. Or maybe it was because I came during work and was deeply afraid someone would see me.

I saw she had spun about three non-sectors. I placed a bet with one stack. I wasn't even sure how much that was. As simple as it was, the new denomination of $10 chips confused me.

I lost.

I felt disgusted. The thought of the potential to lose $2,000 in less than half an hour was frightening.

I bet on the same sector again. It landed on 35. I had like two chips there. So that was alright.

I placed another bet, this time with two stacks. It landed on 32. I had quite a number of chips there, but I couldn't even do the mental calculations because I was in a daze.

I didn't play the next spin as I was counting my winnings. I had just made $1840.

I stood there for a spin or two and then cashed in. I left with $3840.

I rushed to the bank to make a deposit and then bought some Macca's to eat back at the office.

I felt ashamed and dirty. I had just broken my gambling free period. I had relapsed.

After work, I felt free, as I didn't have to meet Erica. I felt like I had my me-time back.

I rushed to the Wick and went to EB Games to pay the remaining outstanding amount for my pre-order of GTA V. I had a nice chat with the guys who work there. I bought some chips and then went for a drive to the sea side. I called BeyondBlue as I was feeling down. Apparently they're not there to listen, just to act as a brief service. They referred me to The Salvos and Lifeline. I tried Salvos first and there was no answer, so tried Lifeline.

I spoke to a lady who I guess was what I was after - just someone to listen. I confessed my whole story, about Erica, about my gambling relapse. She was basically just reiterating what I was saying and saying she understood how I felt, which was helpful and what I needed. She didn't provide any advice, guess I wasn't after any anyway, and after that we ended the call. I was crying when I told her how guilty I felt about giving money away when my dad was still struggling to work.

I went home to play Last of Us. I gave gym a miss as my quads were sore from Thursday night basketball.