You're not angry about the $25,000...

Yesterday morning before I left home, I eagerly checked my bank account to see if the recast (paying back what I haven't used of the loan, thus reducing the amount of minimum repayments and also cancelling the ability to withdraw any further amounts from the loan) had been put into effect.

It hadn't. There was still about $4,800 "available" for me to withdraw.

As I walked to work, I was in two mindsets.

Withdraw the rest, see what you can do with $5000 at the casino. Play with $25 chips, win as much as you can, get out and never turn back. If you lose, then just pay back the minimum amounts as required. As least that way this will all be finished, you will no longer be able to gamble anymore. Finish yourself off.

Or...

You have to keep fighting. Salvage whatever you can, even if it's "only" $5,000. Better to save that than to lose it. When you get into the office, call the bank up and chase them up about it. I reckon they see you as a profitable customer and want to delay the recast for as long as possible, hoping you'll spend the rest. Well fuck em', you show em'.

When I arrived at the office, I closed my door and blinds as usual and changed. Then I called the bank. I got a really friendly girl on the other end of the line, who said she loved the movie Fracture after finding out I was a lawyer. However, she advised me that although the recast request had been made a few weeks ago and that it was due to happen on the 16th April, there was an error and she'd have to re-do it again.

I almost cried at that very moment. Why? Because I knew that the bad me...the evil me...would somehow manage to get those funds during the four day weekend and lose it at the casino. I honestly did not think the good me, the one on the phone right now, could resist.

But a few hours after the call, I checked my account and saw that the available balance was now zero. I transferred $10 into it and now the available balance was $10. The recast had worked!!! Even better, when I checked last night, the $10 wasn't even available anymore, the whole redraw facility had been turned off!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA LET'S SEE YOU GAMBLE NOW!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!

Despite that, last night I was still having urges. I seriously felt like I still had the funds to gamble and that I could go to the casino any time. It was hard to tell my own mind that that was no longer possible. And that it was good for me.

This morning I went to the courts to get some exercise. I planned to take my ladder with me but forgot it. So I ended up warming up with three sets of suicides, and did one set of slides. I know I normally do three, but I hadn't done them in such a long time, I knew it would kill my back for the next five days. Hell, even after just one set I could feel the pain setting in.

I also did three sets of running knee lifts up and down the court.

As I was training, this voice suddenly popped into my head:

"You are not angry about the $25,000. You were angry you lost her. And now you are angry you relapsed into gambling."

"Your fall is not your fault. It is your father's."

Haha ok, so that last line may have taken it too far. But it did motivate me in my last set of knee lifts when I was feeling the tiredness in my calves.