My Mom
"But this is just a story of when I was just a shorty and how I became hooked on va-al-ya-hum
Valium was in everything food that I ate, The water that I drank fucking peas on my plate,
She sprinkled just enough of it to season my steak, So everyday I have at least three stomach aches"
-- My Mom, Eminem
A couple of weeks ago I got a facebook message from my neighbour Lisa who said we had complained to the strata that they were siphoning money and that we were targeted because our garage was the only one that hadn't been painted.
Bronwyn had told me a few days earlier that this was because it had gotten too hot to paint on the day, so they decided to do it at a later date, which I had also explained to my mom.
I went home and told my mom about it and warned her about not doing it again, without having any evidence to back it up. I told her it was all in her mind about the whole garage thing. She denied having said anything to the strata people, but I found it a real coincidence that her theories which she expounded to the family a few days before that were exactly the same as that which Lisa told me about.
I know I shouldn't have, but I threatened that if she ever did such a thing again I would stop giving her money. She took offence to that, and the next day said to not give her anymore money. Of course, a few days later she seemed to have forgotten saying that and a few days ago happily accepted my money.
I did feel really bad about it and told myself to never go that far again. But at the same time, I realised that maybe I would be better off moving out, and I even started a preliminary search for a place to rent. I didn't want to be part of this anymore.
Yesterday while I was washing my car, Lisa's husband came and said he overheard my mom talking to the Indian guys next door, telling them about how they (Lisa and her husband) were siphoning money. He said he would have to consider defamation action if this continued.
I didn't want to confront my mom about it in fear of a replay of a couple of weeks ago, so I told my sister just then, who I thought might be able to connect to my mom better. Instead, I got a response like "fuck Lisa!!!".
Great.
I know that my mom has changed ever since she thought that my dad had an affair, but I don't think that gives her an excuse to be sceptical and untrusting of anything and everything. She constantly tells us that she thinks people are following her, like people who look at her at the bus stop, or people who look at her when they walk into the club she's at. Also, apparently people talking on their mobile phone are also talking about her. She thinks people are out to kidnap her.
Sometimes this all makes me wonder about how making one bad decision can have such a catastrophic impact on a family. I have to say it, I think my dad made a bad decision in marrying my mother. It's a very ironic and stupid thing to say, because if he hadn't, obviously I wouldn't be here.
But here's where it all went wrong: apparently, one condition of marriage my mom made was that she would never have to work a day in her life, and my dad promised her this, and to date has upheld that promise. I admire all that my dad has done, from bringing us to Australia to supporting us on his own.
But that promise was the starting point for everything. First, it was a selfish decision. Secondly, she doesn't seem to realise that work is actually not hard, it actually stimulates the mind. Not working your entire life, on the other hand, is hard because the boredom can really get to you - hence why many people don't want to retire.
The absence of work also means an absence of education. I find people who work are more logical than those who don't. I think logic would benefit my mom a great deal. Instead, she resorts to blackmailing to get her way. Take for example when she accused my dad of cheating. She repeatedly asked him if he did, and he repeatedly denied it. She told him to admit it or else she would go run out onto the road and get hit by a car. What else could my dad do but admit it? And once he admitted it, that would be held against him for all of eternity.
She does the same with me. Anytime I do something that she doesn't like, she will call me a bad son. I used to buy into this when I was younger, but lately I have really come to question it. According to her logic, I should never trust my future wife. I should sign over everything in her name because she is the only person I can trust (not even my dad). If I don't, then I am a bad son. I am not sure if you can get a more blatant example of control. She demands that I give her money each fortnight, and when I question her as to why she needs more when she buys rubbish and plays the pokies, she says it is not for me to question how she uses her money. Her money.
You're probably thinking, well, ok, she wanted to be a house wife, what's wrong with that? Well, the thing is, she did a pretty bad job raising us.
With my sister, she seemed to teach her all the wrong things. She taught my sister to only marry a rich husband, so now at the age of 31, she has never had a boyfriend. She is not exactly attractive, so telling her to wait for a rich man is a bit like telling a fisherman in a pond to keep waiting for a shark.
My mom has also taught her to hate the same things that she hates, to bitch about the same things that she bitches about. I just think she's really created a lot of negativity in my sister. My mom never really picked up on when things started to go wrong with my sister. Like the time I first noticed my sister was talking to herself. It went largely ignored until it became so blatantly obvious that it was too hard to ignore, like when she started throwing her own belongings out.
So what did my mom do? Take her to a temple thinking that she had been possessed by some evil spirits. Great.
Also in connectiong with the marriage thing, my mom handed down the view to my sister that she didn't need to do anything as a girl, everything could be done by men. As such, my sister was never really encouraged to learn skills, even as basic as driving. Although she did get her driver's licence a few years ago, she has never really driven, always being too scared to have an accident.
So what my mom has created is a 31 year old single pessimistic girl who has barely any skills to be independent. And it doesn't concern her because she keeps telling me to look after my sister when they (mom and dad) pass away. Of course, it might be easier if she learned to look after herself, since I am not exactly immune to cars hitting me on the road, or a building collapsing on top of me.
I remmeber I once refused to connect the tv to the DVD player because I wanted my sister to learn to do it. Of course, that created a huge fight and she never even made an attempt. It really is trial and error with three cords.
My sister's life consist of working, swimming occasionally, and watching those TVB series at home. She can stay in all day to watch tv.
With me, I would like to think that I turned out fairly normal despite my mom's upbringing. Maybe it was because I spent a lot of time with friends, I got a better feel of what was 'normal'.
However, one thing that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life is the lack of affection. I can never remember my mom playing with me, or even hugging me. She never seemed to take an interest in me. It was mainly the other way around - she told me what I was interested in. Take food for example, she doesn't know what I like, but instead buys things and tells me I like it. If I don't like it, she will call me "stupid" or "don't know anything".
That is probably her proudest achievement, which she keeps reminding me of - she buys things for me. Ok, first of all, she should know that there is a lot more to raising kids than buying them things. There is the emotional and affection side which I never got. Secondly, even if you are going to buy them things, maybe be a little bit thoughtful and see what they like or don't like, instead of buying it and telling them that they like it. It really is just a waste of money, and then I get chastised even more when I tell her so.
One of my strongest memories of the lack of affection is from Saturday Chinese school. Every week I would watch as parents picked their kids up, and I remember checking and making sure I was the only one who had to walk to catch a bus, because it was pretty unbelievable. I thought surely there must be someone who wasn't getting picked up? But it was only me. My mom could never be bothered to come get me.
I think that really was the beginning, where my "me against the world" mentality started setting in. I felt like I was all alone, with no one to help, even my family.
The lack of affection has also meant that I feel utterly uncomfortable when social settings require physical touching. Like I've said before, hugging HHH was the first time ever I have hugged anyone. I just feel so uncomfortable when I anticipate physical contact coming up. Like taking that photo with Alanna on Friday, I couldn't bring myself to put my hand on her hips, so I held onto her bag on the other side.
People wonder why I don't have a girlfriend, and I'm the only who knows. I used to think it was because I was ugly, or I didn't have enough money, or I wasn't funny enough. But turns out it's none of that. It's because I can't take that first step which crosses over from friends to something else. The barrier preventing me was stems from my lack of affection in my childhood.
Punting has helped me a bit, but it's in the wrong environment. Sometimes I feel sad about it, and feel like I am about to cry.
Sometimes I tell myself that when I have my own family, I would never let this happen. But how can I have my own family if I can never take that step?
Largely, I wonder what damage my dysfunctional mom has brought to our family. Would I be a bad son if I left?
Valium was in everything food that I ate, The water that I drank fucking peas on my plate,
She sprinkled just enough of it to season my steak, So everyday I have at least three stomach aches"
-- My Mom, Eminem
A couple of weeks ago I got a facebook message from my neighbour Lisa who said we had complained to the strata that they were siphoning money and that we were targeted because our garage was the only one that hadn't been painted.
Bronwyn had told me a few days earlier that this was because it had gotten too hot to paint on the day, so they decided to do it at a later date, which I had also explained to my mom.
I went home and told my mom about it and warned her about not doing it again, without having any evidence to back it up. I told her it was all in her mind about the whole garage thing. She denied having said anything to the strata people, but I found it a real coincidence that her theories which she expounded to the family a few days before that were exactly the same as that which Lisa told me about.
I know I shouldn't have, but I threatened that if she ever did such a thing again I would stop giving her money. She took offence to that, and the next day said to not give her anymore money. Of course, a few days later she seemed to have forgotten saying that and a few days ago happily accepted my money.
I did feel really bad about it and told myself to never go that far again. But at the same time, I realised that maybe I would be better off moving out, and I even started a preliminary search for a place to rent. I didn't want to be part of this anymore.
Yesterday while I was washing my car, Lisa's husband came and said he overheard my mom talking to the Indian guys next door, telling them about how they (Lisa and her husband) were siphoning money. He said he would have to consider defamation action if this continued.
I didn't want to confront my mom about it in fear of a replay of a couple of weeks ago, so I told my sister just then, who I thought might be able to connect to my mom better. Instead, I got a response like "fuck Lisa!!!".
Great.
I know that my mom has changed ever since she thought that my dad had an affair, but I don't think that gives her an excuse to be sceptical and untrusting of anything and everything. She constantly tells us that she thinks people are following her, like people who look at her at the bus stop, or people who look at her when they walk into the club she's at. Also, apparently people talking on their mobile phone are also talking about her. She thinks people are out to kidnap her.
Sometimes this all makes me wonder about how making one bad decision can have such a catastrophic impact on a family. I have to say it, I think my dad made a bad decision in marrying my mother. It's a very ironic and stupid thing to say, because if he hadn't, obviously I wouldn't be here.
But here's where it all went wrong: apparently, one condition of marriage my mom made was that she would never have to work a day in her life, and my dad promised her this, and to date has upheld that promise. I admire all that my dad has done, from bringing us to Australia to supporting us on his own.
But that promise was the starting point for everything. First, it was a selfish decision. Secondly, she doesn't seem to realise that work is actually not hard, it actually stimulates the mind. Not working your entire life, on the other hand, is hard because the boredom can really get to you - hence why many people don't want to retire.
The absence of work also means an absence of education. I find people who work are more logical than those who don't. I think logic would benefit my mom a great deal. Instead, she resorts to blackmailing to get her way. Take for example when she accused my dad of cheating. She repeatedly asked him if he did, and he repeatedly denied it. She told him to admit it or else she would go run out onto the road and get hit by a car. What else could my dad do but admit it? And once he admitted it, that would be held against him for all of eternity.
She does the same with me. Anytime I do something that she doesn't like, she will call me a bad son. I used to buy into this when I was younger, but lately I have really come to question it. According to her logic, I should never trust my future wife. I should sign over everything in her name because she is the only person I can trust (not even my dad). If I don't, then I am a bad son. I am not sure if you can get a more blatant example of control. She demands that I give her money each fortnight, and when I question her as to why she needs more when she buys rubbish and plays the pokies, she says it is not for me to question how she uses her money. Her money.
You're probably thinking, well, ok, she wanted to be a house wife, what's wrong with that? Well, the thing is, she did a pretty bad job raising us.
With my sister, she seemed to teach her all the wrong things. She taught my sister to only marry a rich husband, so now at the age of 31, she has never had a boyfriend. She is not exactly attractive, so telling her to wait for a rich man is a bit like telling a fisherman in a pond to keep waiting for a shark.
My mom has also taught her to hate the same things that she hates, to bitch about the same things that she bitches about. I just think she's really created a lot of negativity in my sister. My mom never really picked up on when things started to go wrong with my sister. Like the time I first noticed my sister was talking to herself. It went largely ignored until it became so blatantly obvious that it was too hard to ignore, like when she started throwing her own belongings out.
So what did my mom do? Take her to a temple thinking that she had been possessed by some evil spirits. Great.
Also in connectiong with the marriage thing, my mom handed down the view to my sister that she didn't need to do anything as a girl, everything could be done by men. As such, my sister was never really encouraged to learn skills, even as basic as driving. Although she did get her driver's licence a few years ago, she has never really driven, always being too scared to have an accident.
So what my mom has created is a 31 year old single pessimistic girl who has barely any skills to be independent. And it doesn't concern her because she keeps telling me to look after my sister when they (mom and dad) pass away. Of course, it might be easier if she learned to look after herself, since I am not exactly immune to cars hitting me on the road, or a building collapsing on top of me.
I remmeber I once refused to connect the tv to the DVD player because I wanted my sister to learn to do it. Of course, that created a huge fight and she never even made an attempt. It really is trial and error with three cords.
My sister's life consist of working, swimming occasionally, and watching those TVB series at home. She can stay in all day to watch tv.
With me, I would like to think that I turned out fairly normal despite my mom's upbringing. Maybe it was because I spent a lot of time with friends, I got a better feel of what was 'normal'.
However, one thing that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life is the lack of affection. I can never remember my mom playing with me, or even hugging me. She never seemed to take an interest in me. It was mainly the other way around - she told me what I was interested in. Take food for example, she doesn't know what I like, but instead buys things and tells me I like it. If I don't like it, she will call me "stupid" or "don't know anything".
That is probably her proudest achievement, which she keeps reminding me of - she buys things for me. Ok, first of all, she should know that there is a lot more to raising kids than buying them things. There is the emotional and affection side which I never got. Secondly, even if you are going to buy them things, maybe be a little bit thoughtful and see what they like or don't like, instead of buying it and telling them that they like it. It really is just a waste of money, and then I get chastised even more when I tell her so.
One of my strongest memories of the lack of affection is from Saturday Chinese school. Every week I would watch as parents picked their kids up, and I remember checking and making sure I was the only one who had to walk to catch a bus, because it was pretty unbelievable. I thought surely there must be someone who wasn't getting picked up? But it was only me. My mom could never be bothered to come get me.
I think that really was the beginning, where my "me against the world" mentality started setting in. I felt like I was all alone, with no one to help, even my family.
The lack of affection has also meant that I feel utterly uncomfortable when social settings require physical touching. Like I've said before, hugging HHH was the first time ever I have hugged anyone. I just feel so uncomfortable when I anticipate physical contact coming up. Like taking that photo with Alanna on Friday, I couldn't bring myself to put my hand on her hips, so I held onto her bag on the other side.
People wonder why I don't have a girlfriend, and I'm the only who knows. I used to think it was because I was ugly, or I didn't have enough money, or I wasn't funny enough. But turns out it's none of that. It's because I can't take that first step which crosses over from friends to something else. The barrier preventing me was stems from my lack of affection in my childhood.
Punting has helped me a bit, but it's in the wrong environment. Sometimes I feel sad about it, and feel like I am about to cry.
Sometimes I tell myself that when I have my own family, I would never let this happen. But how can I have my own family if I can never take that step?
Largely, I wonder what damage my dysfunctional mom has brought to our family. Would I be a bad son if I left?
posted by toey | 10:24
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