End of a tough week

On Friday after everything had been said and done, I found myself sitting in my office, crouched in my chair and staring blankly at nothing in particular. Let walked across and saw me, she thought about walking pass without saying anything but then changed her mind and asked what was wrong. I just said I was tired, which I was.

I just wanted a quiet moment to soak it in - I had gotten through one hell of a week. It couldn't really be like this, could it? I had asked Ben earlier if this was the norm, and even though he said it was, he hadn't gone through it because every trial had always fallen through. It just so happened that my one went ahead, and it went into the week that I had short matters.

I was exhausted, but proud at the same time, because to me that was an achievement. I was also glad that at the end of court, the judge thanked both me and Amy for "an up and down week", and said his "I'm grateful for your assistance" line. When I was watching during my training, he said that a lot to Ben, and I secretly wished to myself that I could gain that level of rapport with him for him to say that to me, and he finally did.

I told myself to press on for a bit longer and finish off the file notes, but managed to screw up my computer, so I gave up and left work at 4:30. Curiousity got the better of me, and I decided to try one of those ads in the personals section. These two girls advertised themselves as 20 year old Asian students, and whilst I was pretty sure that was a lie and they'd be a bit older than 20, I had no idea what was coming.

I responded to the one which had the younger voice, but they were both working together as they were at the same motel. I found the room and knocked, only to be greeted by a woman who was at least 40.

WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!?

I didn't have the heart to reject her, so just told myself to bear it and paid for half an hour. I had brought enough money for an hour, but of course I was truly going to vomit if I stayed there for an hour.

Waste of money. Never responding to those ads again. I just don't see how someone as old as 40 could have the audacity to advertise themselves as 20???

I rented How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, and watched that over a box of pizza. If it hadn't been for my earlier error of judgment, it would've been a good night. To be honest, I didn't really have much of an urge, but I kinda told myself "well, Ele doesn't like you, so fuck it". For a while, she was my motivation to become a better person. I even put in extra repayments on my credit card so I could have a better future, faster, but now that it was over, I didn't see the point.

On Saturday I went for a jog around the block, washed my car, made some breakfast, and then headed out. My plan was to take a walk along that beautiful beach I saw last time at Surfer's Paradise, and then visit Dream World.

I found the beach, but because I didn't bring my slippers, I burnt my feet on the burning ashphalt. I walked for quite a while on the beach, it was calm and peaceful, having the gentle waves rush up to your feet occasionally.

After that I returned to my car and spent some time getting the sand off my feet. I was so thirsty. Unlike Bondy, they didn't seem to have any shops at the beachside where you could buy drinks.

I went to KFC and decided it was a good time to try one of those Krushers drinks. I got the mango berry one, and it was pretty nice.

I drove off to look for Dream World, but couldn't find it. I found Movie World, but it wasn't exactly the type of place you'd go to by yourself, so I ended up going to Sea World.

The ticket was $70, which I thought was a bit dear. I think I walked around most areas, and it was quite breath taking to see dolphins, sharks and penguins. I watched a show featuring seals, and was torn between the views of entertainment and animal cruelty. After all, we were no different from those other countries that abused animals for shows - we made them perform because of the bottom dollar.

Dolphins are so smart, and in fact, I think all animals are smart. When you think of the amount of intelligence they have, it makes the thought of consuming them harder to bear.

At the end, I decided to buy a dog tag with my details on it, and I thought I needed change, so decided to buy a bottle of water to break the note. I lined up at the donut shop and I swear I saw the most beautiful girl ever. She looked like a younger version of nurse lady - those exotic blue/green eyes, the lips, the colour of her face. She would've been around 17-19, and I felt guilty thinking about her.

After that, on my way back I stopped at a shopping centre to have a look around. It was good to be in a diverse area where people didn't look at me just because I stood out because I was Asian. I found a Myer there and saw this really nice black tie which I ended up buying. It was a twin pack, the other tie was ok but I really bought it for the black one. I knew I shouldn't, but I also knew that if I walked away I would've regretted it.

I also did some grocery shopping before driving back home. I watched the rest of the movie over the Chinese food. The young girl wasn't there. I was kinda expecting to see her. The last time I saw her we had a pretty good chat. She actually seemed to want to come to the counter and talk to me. I figured she was at least over 18, because of what she was currently studying.

Today I just hung around home base. I went into the office to do a bit of work, and the case I read up on really sickened me. It never ceases to amaze me how such bad men can get women whilst I have been single my entire life. It really does.

After that I went to the video store to rent Night at the Museum, then came back home to wax the door of my car. I also managed to clean the house a bit, namely the kitchen counter and the shower. Oh, and I also signed up for one of those internet dating sites just for fun. Probably for two main reasons: I've limited myself to this area, just to see if I can find anyone to meet whilst here, and also, to see whether my physical appearance is a plus or minus, which I guess in a way is my way of wanting to know why the whole Ele thing failed.

I ended up chatting to this girl for a couple of hours, even though she didn't have a picture of herself, I figured that my picture wasn't enough of a deterrent for her, so it must've been ok.

Oh, and also, on Friday I got a call from the CDDP. They are going to send me the paper work, and so if everything goes ok, I guess the next step is negotiation about start date. Ever since I have found out about this rescue package, I have felt the need to treasure my time here more, maybe because it's limited, maybe it's because I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I called A on Friday afternoon and had a long talk to him about it. His advice was, of course, to take it. He asked "what are you doing there anyway?" and I wondered. I guess in the end, I wasn't really asking him if I should take it or not, because it's a complete no brainer to take a two year contract over a six month one, but rather, I was asking him how to break it to my manager without too much damage. He conceded that they'd hate me for it.

Of course, it's Sunday night right now, the usual time when I'd call Ele. She hasn't responded since last week, and after a few days of that I had come to stop expecting it. I don't expect a call from her tonight, nor do I expect a call prior to when she leaves. It's so much easier when you don't hold expectations, because when you do and they don't come to fruition, it hurts a lot more. I am waiting for the day when she will contact me just so I can ignore her and have the power shift back to me. An inescapable consideration of me returning to Sydney for the CDDP job is that I will end up telling everyone except her, and she will hear from the grapevine and wonder why I didn't tell her.