My insecurity costs me...
Yesterday was Clare's birthday. On Friday Nunjo came to my room to ask me out to the birthday lunch, which I accepted.
I was on the phone, so Clare said she'd wait downstairs. When I went down, I saw only her and Nunjo. I thought "fuck, where the hell is everyone?" I explained why I was on the phone and then asked where Moira was. Clare said in a conference. I asked where Helen was, and it seemed like she wasn't invited.
So we somewhat awkwardly walked to the place with Clare inbetween the two of us, even though I would've been happy to talk to Nunjo if the opportunity arose. When we got to the bar/restaurant, I was suddenly hit with more realisation what a bad match she was for me - she liked these 'groovy' types of places, whereas it's not exactly the type of place I'd go to in my spare time. In fact, I think most people who come to these places are wankers.
We ordered our food, and although it came quickly, I was disappointed at the proportion - $16 for this small bowl of noodles?
There was some awkward conversation between Clare-Nunjo and Clare-me, before Moira arrived, and suddenly I cheered up as she had just saved the day. However, it got into a real sombre mood as she took over the conversation telling us about how negative her parents were. At first it was lightly amusing, but then I realised she was basically pouring out her bad childhood.
Anyway, today. So I messaged Erica in the morning saying I'd check my work calendar to see if I was free after 8 February, because I thought that she was asking me out after that date (after saying end of January was no longer suitable). When I got to the office, I started figuring out my calendar and then told her what dates I could take off, only to get a question mark back from her. I had to basically start all over again. I managed to establish that she wanted to go out with me in February. But when I asked when she was available, she said she didn't know.
Grrrr.
So I was content to leave it at that. In the afternoon she started the texts again saying she was tired. I texted back jokingly telling her to stop work and come with me. She said "money give me hahaha". By now I was on the loo, and I (stupidly) texted back saying in the past I had a very wealthy client who taught me about money. She asked if it changed anything, and I said it would change the way she thinks and make her different from 99% of the world.
She said "stop" and then in Korean, from what my app was telling me, it sounded like she wasn't very happy with what I was trying to say. I tried to change the topic, saying I found Korean classes that start next month and that I wanted to do it. She didn't reply.
I asked if I could go visit her today. I waited for a reply, and then told myself to just get changed and go to the gym. I managed to do that, walking to the Bond Street one, and distracting myself for a while. I got onto the bike, but everything else was full so I left. I checked my phone and my message still had not yet been read.
Moments later I saw that she had read it.
I waited for a reply.
Nothing.
I started panicking. I told myself to message her when I got back to the office. I couldn't help it. I messaged her later saying I was sorry if I had upset her and asked her to forgive me. I went to the office to change. I figured I'd need my suit look to get some assistance translating this. At first I thought about going to the massage shop, paying for 30 minutes to get a translation, but then thought I should try the cheaper alternative first.
I walked to Darling Harbour and started looking for Koreans. I did come across a Korean family, but hesitated too much. I found a few others who may have been Korean but I didn't ask. Maybe I was just scared. But it was kinda amusing to mentally dismiss every person as non-Korean.
I walked back to the main part of the city and started looking for Korean shop assistants, but couldn't pick a good opportunity. I ended up going to Morning Glory and buying a plush Angry Bird. I said to the sales assistant that it was for my girlfriend who was angry at me and then I asked if she and her colleague were Korean, and then he said yes. I asked if he could translate something for me and he happily obliged. He read the last message from Erica, which my app had translated as "so much money", and told me it said "I'm not angry".
What da fuck is this app telling me???
I had to buy the goddamn plush toy anyway, and I headed to Erica's shop. I made a booking at 8pm and rocked up. I waited in the waiting room before she came to get me. She led me to a room near the backdoor, grabbing some towels on the way.
When we got into the room, I said I got her a present, and she looked in the bag and took out the toy, and seemed quite happy with it. She sat down on the bed and I sat next to her as she kept playing with it. She looked at the bag and said "morning glory", I asked if she knew and she said she knew. I put the toy next to her head and she was like "no" playfully and I pretended that she looked like the angry bird. She said it looked like me because it had no hair. I asked if she was tired and she said yes, so I started massaging her.
We made some chit chat for a bit, but there was a slight feeling of awkwardness as I massaged her. Finally I decided to just lay back on my back, but she didn't follow suit. I rubbed her lower back as she rubbed my tummy. I grabbed my phone and flipped around. She asked me to shower, and I said no, and she laid down next to me, and showed me two bandaids over her hips. She told me she burnt herself yesterday while cooking at work and then took the rest of the day off. She grabbed her tummy and said she was fat. I asked if there was baby, and she said yes. I asked if it was my baby, and she said "rice baby", somehow meaning from all the beer she drinks. She asked me if I wanted any water. I jokingly asked if she made it and she laughed, and went out to get two cups of water. She started smoking as she laid next to me. I started playing the car game, and she watched.
After my game, she started playing, and I held her, similar to our last visit but she was now on my left. She played, and was pretty good, and then closed the app afterwards (she also sent invites to everyone on my list willy-nilly). We pecked on the lips a bit and talked. I kissed her on her right shoulder at times and she said my fuzz/beard made her itchy.
I pulled up the calendar, and she was a bit like "oh not this again". I said "if" she had 8 February off, then I told her what we'd do - the zoo, ice skating (she said she liked to both) and beach. But I couldn't come up with anymore and she was like "it's hard huh?" before I said basketball and she laughed and said no. I said bowling and she said she liked.
We pecked more and she was looking through the photos on my phone. When she got to the photo of the iPad mini with her name on it, she reacted like she just remembered something, and said she wanted a cover for it. I asked her what colour and she said pink. I started massaging her and ended up getting on top of her, massaging her back. I joked I was number one and she laughed. I asked if I was good and she said yes. I leaned down and kissed her on her cheek as she went through my phone.
She eventually asked me to finish and lay back down next to her, which I did. Sometimes I'd look at her face, and she'd ignore it at first but eventually look at me and be like "what?" I played with her face and she said "no, make up". Understandable. In Kakaotalk, she went through my contacts. When I asked if I could add her on Kakaostory, she said no because she had no story. She wanted to see my photos so I showed her my facebook, and the profile photos I've used before. Obviously I didn't think, because there was the photo of us together. But to my surprise, all she said was "don't like", rather than getting angry that I had used it publicly (or maybe she didn't know?).
I showed her the calendar again and said her birthday was 11 February. She said no at first and then said yes. She said she wanted bag. She opened Kakaotalk on my phone and showed me her profile picture, which was one of some handbags. She said she wanted Prada handbags and pointed to them. I said no, I had already bought her a present. She said her status said "bag, give me" to her friends.
We pecked more and by now I had somehow wrestled her into the corner, semi-laying on top of her. She was playfully saying "no" as I went in for kisses. She said something about my body which I didn't understand, and she said she'd send me a message when she got back to her phone.
I kept pecking at her until the buzzer went. I rolled onto my back and somehow we got her to do the angry bird face one last time, and after she did it we both burst out laughing, and then I got up. She held me and leaned in with her cheek as if for me to kiss her cheek. When I didn't, she turned to me and we kissed again.
As we walked out, she asked if I had had dinner yet and I just gave some sort of semi-response. I left, feeling happy that she wasn't angry at me, yet I realised I had now wasted another $200. God, my insecurity really costs me.
Sitting at home now, I kinda feel like I don't want any contact with her for a few days. Sometimes I think maybe I just enjoy the thrills that insecurity brings.
I was on the phone, so Clare said she'd wait downstairs. When I went down, I saw only her and Nunjo. I thought "fuck, where the hell is everyone?" I explained why I was on the phone and then asked where Moira was. Clare said in a conference. I asked where Helen was, and it seemed like she wasn't invited.
So we somewhat awkwardly walked to the place with Clare inbetween the two of us, even though I would've been happy to talk to Nunjo if the opportunity arose. When we got to the bar/restaurant, I was suddenly hit with more realisation what a bad match she was for me - she liked these 'groovy' types of places, whereas it's not exactly the type of place I'd go to in my spare time. In fact, I think most people who come to these places are wankers.
We ordered our food, and although it came quickly, I was disappointed at the proportion - $16 for this small bowl of noodles?
There was some awkward conversation between Clare-Nunjo and Clare-me, before Moira arrived, and suddenly I cheered up as she had just saved the day. However, it got into a real sombre mood as she took over the conversation telling us about how negative her parents were. At first it was lightly amusing, but then I realised she was basically pouring out her bad childhood.
Anyway, today. So I messaged Erica in the morning saying I'd check my work calendar to see if I was free after 8 February, because I thought that she was asking me out after that date (after saying end of January was no longer suitable). When I got to the office, I started figuring out my calendar and then told her what dates I could take off, only to get a question mark back from her. I had to basically start all over again. I managed to establish that she wanted to go out with me in February. But when I asked when she was available, she said she didn't know.
Grrrr.
So I was content to leave it at that. In the afternoon she started the texts again saying she was tired. I texted back jokingly telling her to stop work and come with me. She said "money give me hahaha". By now I was on the loo, and I (stupidly) texted back saying in the past I had a very wealthy client who taught me about money. She asked if it changed anything, and I said it would change the way she thinks and make her different from 99% of the world.
She said "stop" and then in Korean, from what my app was telling me, it sounded like she wasn't very happy with what I was trying to say. I tried to change the topic, saying I found Korean classes that start next month and that I wanted to do it. She didn't reply.
I asked if I could go visit her today. I waited for a reply, and then told myself to just get changed and go to the gym. I managed to do that, walking to the Bond Street one, and distracting myself for a while. I got onto the bike, but everything else was full so I left. I checked my phone and my message still had not yet been read.
Moments later I saw that she had read it.
I waited for a reply.
Nothing.
I started panicking. I told myself to message her when I got back to the office. I couldn't help it. I messaged her later saying I was sorry if I had upset her and asked her to forgive me. I went to the office to change. I figured I'd need my suit look to get some assistance translating this. At first I thought about going to the massage shop, paying for 30 minutes to get a translation, but then thought I should try the cheaper alternative first.
I walked to Darling Harbour and started looking for Koreans. I did come across a Korean family, but hesitated too much. I found a few others who may have been Korean but I didn't ask. Maybe I was just scared. But it was kinda amusing to mentally dismiss every person as non-Korean.
I walked back to the main part of the city and started looking for Korean shop assistants, but couldn't pick a good opportunity. I ended up going to Morning Glory and buying a plush Angry Bird. I said to the sales assistant that it was for my girlfriend who was angry at me and then I asked if she and her colleague were Korean, and then he said yes. I asked if he could translate something for me and he happily obliged. He read the last message from Erica, which my app had translated as "so much money", and told me it said "I'm not angry".
What da fuck is this app telling me???
I had to buy the goddamn plush toy anyway, and I headed to Erica's shop. I made a booking at 8pm and rocked up. I waited in the waiting room before she came to get me. She led me to a room near the backdoor, grabbing some towels on the way.
When we got into the room, I said I got her a present, and she looked in the bag and took out the toy, and seemed quite happy with it. She sat down on the bed and I sat next to her as she kept playing with it. She looked at the bag and said "morning glory", I asked if she knew and she said she knew. I put the toy next to her head and she was like "no" playfully and I pretended that she looked like the angry bird. She said it looked like me because it had no hair. I asked if she was tired and she said yes, so I started massaging her.
We made some chit chat for a bit, but there was a slight feeling of awkwardness as I massaged her. Finally I decided to just lay back on my back, but she didn't follow suit. I rubbed her lower back as she rubbed my tummy. I grabbed my phone and flipped around. She asked me to shower, and I said no, and she laid down next to me, and showed me two bandaids over her hips. She told me she burnt herself yesterday while cooking at work and then took the rest of the day off. She grabbed her tummy and said she was fat. I asked if there was baby, and she said yes. I asked if it was my baby, and she said "rice baby", somehow meaning from all the beer she drinks. She asked me if I wanted any water. I jokingly asked if she made it and she laughed, and went out to get two cups of water. She started smoking as she laid next to me. I started playing the car game, and she watched.
After my game, she started playing, and I held her, similar to our last visit but she was now on my left. She played, and was pretty good, and then closed the app afterwards (she also sent invites to everyone on my list willy-nilly). We pecked on the lips a bit and talked. I kissed her on her right shoulder at times and she said my fuzz/beard made her itchy.
I pulled up the calendar, and she was a bit like "oh not this again". I said "if" she had 8 February off, then I told her what we'd do - the zoo, ice skating (she said she liked to both) and beach. But I couldn't come up with anymore and she was like "it's hard huh?" before I said basketball and she laughed and said no. I said bowling and she said she liked.
We pecked more and she was looking through the photos on my phone. When she got to the photo of the iPad mini with her name on it, she reacted like she just remembered something, and said she wanted a cover for it. I asked her what colour and she said pink. I started massaging her and ended up getting on top of her, massaging her back. I joked I was number one and she laughed. I asked if I was good and she said yes. I leaned down and kissed her on her cheek as she went through my phone.
She eventually asked me to finish and lay back down next to her, which I did. Sometimes I'd look at her face, and she'd ignore it at first but eventually look at me and be like "what?" I played with her face and she said "no, make up". Understandable. In Kakaotalk, she went through my contacts. When I asked if I could add her on Kakaostory, she said no because she had no story. She wanted to see my photos so I showed her my facebook, and the profile photos I've used before. Obviously I didn't think, because there was the photo of us together. But to my surprise, all she said was "don't like", rather than getting angry that I had used it publicly (or maybe she didn't know?).
I showed her the calendar again and said her birthday was 11 February. She said no at first and then said yes. She said she wanted bag. She opened Kakaotalk on my phone and showed me her profile picture, which was one of some handbags. She said she wanted Prada handbags and pointed to them. I said no, I had already bought her a present. She said her status said "bag, give me" to her friends.
We pecked more and by now I had somehow wrestled her into the corner, semi-laying on top of her. She was playfully saying "no" as I went in for kisses. She said something about my body which I didn't understand, and she said she'd send me a message when she got back to her phone.
I kept pecking at her until the buzzer went. I rolled onto my back and somehow we got her to do the angry bird face one last time, and after she did it we both burst out laughing, and then I got up. She held me and leaned in with her cheek as if for me to kiss her cheek. When I didn't, she turned to me and we kissed again.
As we walked out, she asked if I had had dinner yet and I just gave some sort of semi-response. I left, feeling happy that she wasn't angry at me, yet I realised I had now wasted another $200. God, my insecurity really costs me.
Sitting at home now, I kinda feel like I don't want any contact with her for a few days. Sometimes I think maybe I just enjoy the thrills that insecurity brings.
posted by toey | 23:08
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