New heartbreak

So it turned out to be nothing. She messaged me on Friday saying sorry and that she had been sick. She said she had a rash on her face and it really hurt. It didn't strike me at first, but then I realised - she had probably caught an STD. I googled "STD rash on face" and saw some...unflattering photos. I automatically assumed that one photo I saw where a woman had a whole lower half of her face covered in red rashes was what Erica looked like, and I immediately questioned whether I should even continue this.

Do I really want to be with someone who caught an STD? 

It made me angry that some guy with an STD was going around spreading it, and it also made me realise the somewhat forgotten danger of going whoring. I must remind myself of this next time I am tempted to go.

I asked if she had seen a doctor and she said yes. Early the next day (Saturday), I told her "many ways to make money" and "no need to risk your health" and "only one life :)". I wondered if it seemed like I was lecturing her. She replied with an emoticon where the main character was sitting with a frown/worried look, doodling with a stick and the smaller character patting their back as if consoling.

I decided to lighten things up and told her I won lotto. She said something about windfalls, and I said "$50 :)" and she laughed, adding some astronomical figure afterwards. I asked if she was resting and she was she was working.

Hmmm. Back at work already. So it couldn't have been that bad. I see now that my imagination just ran wild after seeing that photo on google.

Anyway, yesterday morning I went to the courts for some light workout. I then went back home and waited for the car at noon. When I got it, I decided to drop off some movies/tv shows for Ele first. To my annoyance, she asked me to pick up some baby milk powder for her, but I suppose she didn't know that I had a party to attend to afterwards. So I went to the Wick and couldn't find it, then she asked me to go to the one near her place. She said her husband had already gotten four and they only allowed four per person.

So I was rushing to get there, ended up buying one can as she asked, and then dropped it off with Yang. I then drove off to the North side for Alanna's party. I thought I'd be late, but made it there just before 2:30pm (the planned time with Mel).

She hadn't arrived yet so I waited around on the streets, thinking she wanted to go in together. However, as I sat there, Maria W came by - oops. How embarassing. I walked in with her and we went in to greet Alanna. I quickly made my way to the bathroom because I needed to go, and then Mel messaged me saying she was there but couldn't find the place, so I went out to get her.

After that all was pretty good, as I spent my time mainly talking to Justin and his wife (who looked a lot younger than 39). But at about 4pm, they had to go.

Nooooooo! Don't leave me here!!

And they did. I was left with Amy and Louise to my left, and their partners. I get along with them ok, but as I listened in on their conversation waiting for an opportunity to jump in, I couldn't find any. They were talking about children of their friends, so all I could manage was "you guys talking about kids?" and then they said "yeah" and continued on.

I felt soooooo awkward sitting there. I thought they might change the topic or invite me into their conversation, but nope. It became fairly obvious they didn't want to talk to me when they started talking about dresses. I sat there, sipping on the lemon of my lemonade and occasionally glancing at the cricket on tv.

I finally got up to get a drink and asked if they wanted on, which was stupid because their partners had just brought fresh drinks over.

Luckily, Mel saw me on my way to the bar and asked me to get her a sparkling water.

Yes! A task!

So I did that, which also gave me an excuse to find her when I returned. She had joined a group of new girls and I joined in, said hi to them, but somehow it ended up being me talking to Mel. I whinged to her a bit about Helen before she said she felt rude with her back to Amy and Louise so we joined them again.

The reaction of Louise was a complete 180 - Mel said something to join in, and then Louise suddenly mentioned something she did at work earlier in the week which involved me.

Ummmm...10 minutes ago you were totally ignoring me. And now that Mel's here you've done a 180?

Anyway, the rest of the time was so awkward for me. They were all talking about all things related to couples, which rendered me sitting there, listening and nodding. They must've thought I was weird. I actually felt social anxiety - the type I used to feel when I was younger, in uni.

I couldn't wait for it to be over. But time seemed to fly a bit, as I couldn't believe it was approaching 6pm when I checked the time.

Yes!

Finally Mel got a call from Matt who said he was outside ready to pick her up. I left with her, took a few photos with Alanna and we went out together. I had a few words with Matt, and left. I was sure she was going to say to him that I was a mute at the party. Because I came with Mel, I somehow had the impression in my head that I was her companion, and that I needed to live up to the standards of Matt's social skills. Well I didn't - in fact it was a total fail.

I felt so relieved to have left that place. It was like a lot of burden was taken off my shoulders. I drove off and headed to Bunnings to see if it was still open. Surprisingly it was, but it'd be closing in seven minutes. A guy was really helpful, approaching me and asking if I needed any help. I said I was looking for a sealant to glue my tap back to the wall, and he gave me something but wasn't confident it'd work. I got it anyway since it was only $15, and I left.

Today

This morning I went to the Central courts at just after 9am. I thought I'd be late, and could picture Bo and Nick already there. But they weren't. I was the first one there, and that remained the case for a long time, as I shot and ran around a bit on my own.

About half an hour later Nick arrived, and he said he had called Bo but there was no answer. We shot around and talked a bit...actually, for a long time, before Bo showed up. I thought, this wasn't a really good start to things. I mean, he was the one who wanted us here at 9am and he shows up more than an hour later.

You know what else? No apology. Just started walking Nick through some drills, and then annoying me by basically telling me it's the guards' fault during games. Things are never his fault.

Jim arrived later, and we did some drills. Nick kept saying Alex Z wasn't coming, but I said he was, because when he says he's coming, then he's coming. He finally turned up and I was really happy. We all did different drills, and Bo again annoyed me by cheating on one of the drills.

After that we all went to a nearby pub to eat, along with Nick's friend. I could tell Jim wasn't entertained, as he just sat there silently. After that Jim and I went to Kinokuniya as I needed to get Clare a present. I found a cute paperclip magnet and got that for her, and then we walked around the city a bit before he drove me home.

I was pretty content not contacting Erica for a bit, as I felt like everytime I did, there was a chance I'd screw up and cause myself more anxiety. She had sent me an invite to play a new game in the morning, which I didn't get around to doing until I got home. I laughed and said it was an awesome game, not expecting anything substantial back. She laughed and asked me what I was doing (at 5:13pm), and said she was very tired.

I said I was home and I had trained with the team today. I asked if she was at work, half expecting her to say no, as if her question was an invite for me to ask her out tonight. She said she was working. I said she worked too hard and joked she should take day off and come with me. I also asked if she had dinner yet.

She said not yet, and then the following two messages (translated):

"Spending $3000 meet the guests outside so..."

"10 days, I'll meet you in the city elsewhere"

It obviously caused me a lot of heartache to hear that some guy was paying $3000 to somehow see her outside the shop. I have no idea - it could be like a date, it could be bringing her back to a hotel, or he could've paid for a lot of girls at once. I am trying not to over-analyse and speculate. But what stuck out for me was her telling me - at least she was being honest.

I am not too sure what her message means, but I guess it's saying in 10 days, when we go out, we should go somewhere other than the city as she didn't want to be seen. That makes sense, because she did say end of January, and I can understand not wanting to be seen (see: Naby).

It hurts, but I keep telling myself: at least she told you.