Why do I cause myself such pain? (Jin)

It is hard for me to even write this.

On Tuesday I had a hearing. Despite it being adjourned from about a month ago, I still hadn't had enough time to prepare, so I was already feeling not too great about it. But then the night before, I decided to message Jin.

She messaged back at about 3am, saying she had a boyfriend now who she was going to marry next year. One of her messages said not to call, and, knowing her, thought it meant to call her.

I called and she picked up instantly. Her voice brought back memories. She started swearing at me which I was prepared for. She told me to never call again. She was crying. I was pleading with her to come back. I heard a man say something in Korean. She said her boyfriend wasn't happy. I said I didn't care. She said she cared.

She said she wanted a rich man, and said I wasn't rich. I thought she only said that as an excuse. I thought if she didn't like me, she wouldn't be crying. She eventually hung up on me.

I laid awake in bed for about the next two hours before sleeping for an hour.

When I woke up, I felt sick from it all. I felt like throwing up. How could something emotional cause me to want to throw up? I thought I would feel a bit better when I got to work, but I didn't. The thought of seeking another adjournment crossed my mind. But I figured, if I throw up in the courtroom then I throw up in the courtroom.

I felt very close to throwing up at times. But surprisingly, the hearing went well. I don't think anyone picked up how bad I felt inside. At small moments, I would stand there after asking receiving the witness' answer, the courtroom would be filled with silence, and I would think about Jin. Then I would come back to reality and ask the next question.

I wondered why I cause myself so much pain? Why, of all times, did I choose to do it the night before my hearing? Am I somehow subconsciously seeking a challenge?

After the hearing, I knew what I was going to do. I needed to cry to someone. I wanted to see Angel but she wasn't working. So Misha it was, despite Misha always being the cheeky one I see for fun, the one I had never confided in before. Even picking up my Mortal Kombat X Collector's Edition didn't do much to cheer me up.

I tried to book for Misha but was told 6pm would be unavailable. Instead, I somehow found Jim to hang out with. We went to a Rebel store to check out their closing down sale where I got two pairs of long socks for half price, then we went to a Japanese restaurant for dinner. We talked about the usual stuff, but before my eyes, inside my head, I was exploding to cry and tell someone.

After that we went to Oliver Brown for coffee. Bumped into Dion as he was leaving. He did a double take as I think he thought I looked familiar but we didn't talk.

It was so coincidental, so timely, because I was going to tell Jim about what Coco had told me about Jenny. I told him about Dion and that Coco had told me Jenny had been asking him out to lunch and dinner many times. We ranted about how girls only go for money and status, despite both of us already knowing that. He was a good listener.

After a while, I went home. Almost immediately I went back out to see Misha.

When I first saw her in the hallway she said long time no see. I honestly couldn't remember the last time I saw her. She was getting into the usual routine when I told her I just wanted to rest. She could tell I was sad and asked me what was wrong. I was about to tell her but at the last moment, my brain did a u-turn and I joked that I was sad because I hadn't seen her, and she laughed.

She said I looked really tired. I laid there talking to her, and she insisted I take my socks off, so she took them off for me. She told me she had a day off the next day and I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was going to the casino. I was like, I thought you quit, and she said she hadn't been for nearly two months, but it was unhealthy for the brain to abstain for longer, so she would go once.

I half jokingly asked to go with her and offered her to play with my money. She asked how much and I said $1000. I said whatever she wins she can keep, but she insisted that she give me 20% of her winnings. I asked again and she said maybe so I left it at that.

She went out to get some tea and came back with a full tea set. The tea had a distinctive taste. She mentioned something about going to a temple on a regular basis. This prompted me to show her my HK photos where I had visited a temple, so we switched to lie face down and talked as I showed her my photos. She actually did seem quite interested.

When the buzzer went, I was like "ok, maybe I'll see you at the casino tomorrow" and she said "maybe?" and I said, "yeah, you said maybe" and she said she would be there. So I left, still wondering if she was serious or not.

Wednesday
During the day, I kept thinking about whether Misha would be at the casino. Could it be? Would it really happen? Was I about to meet the great Misha outside of the shop? A large part of me thought it wouldn't happen.

As the end of the day drew closer, I was getting more and more eager to find out. I left a bit early as it was quiet and I was still tired from the hearing. Also, having a bye in basketball made me want to enjoy the time off.

I headed to the casino wearing my full three piece vest with $2000 withdrawn from the bank in crisp $100 notes. I figured if she wasn't there, I'd play to make a bit, or if she was, then I'd give her $1000 to play with and keep my $1000, so biggest loss would be $1000.

When I got there, I headed for the roulette tables and saw Julie working. We made eye contact before I turned left into the electronic roulette area near the fish tank where Misha said she normally goes. I took a quick walk around, scanning everywhere, fearful I may not recognise her without her make up.

No one.

Hmmm.

I went back to the roulette tables and played colour/column with the $100 chips I had. On the first spin, it landed on 0. Fuck me. On the second spin, I lost as well. Fuck me. That was a quick $400 gone.

I looked u and saw an Asian girl with dyed orange hair walking towards the electronic roulette area and figured that was her. I walked up to her and the resemblance began growing. I sat down and said "annyung". She laughed a bit and said hello. She definitely looked different without make up, though the resemblance was still there. She was actually still wearing foundation, just without all the 'extras' that her job entails. She was also wearing just matching grey tracksuits. Still, she was attractive.

She gave me a $2 coin and I asked why, and she said for good luck lol. I watched as she slid two $50 notes into the machine and started playing baccarat. She asked me to play next to her and I told her I didn't like the electronic games, and she asked if I could go get her a coffee.

I went to the bar to get her a long black and a short black for myself. I saw that Julie had changed tables to one facing the bar. I was hoping she could see me carry two cups of coffee to show that I was there with someone.

When I went back to Misha, I gave her the drink and she thanked me. She soon lost her money and said she was going. She told me she had lost $2000. I asked if she wanted to play with mine and she sat back down. Before I gave it to her, I said to win $500 and then stop. She was reluctant, but agreed. I tried to offer her the pinky shake to cement the promise but she just grabbed my hand. I gave her $500 at first, and she pouted and I gave her the other $500. I was pretty much expecting her to lose it all.

She started playing but insisted I play on my screen, so I put in $100 and started playing. For some reason it didn't interest me much. Maybe I need to have the feel of the chips in my hand and the interaction with a live dealer.

As I played, I kept an eye on her screen. After a while, she was up $500. I didn't say anything to see if she'd stop like I said. She didn't. She kept playing and after a while she was up $600. This time I said something. She said she wanted to win a bit more. I guess she was on a roll. After another short while, she suggested going to get something to eat, and she cashed out and got her ticket, worth about $600 up.

I thought she meant we would cash out and go eat outside the casino, but she held onto her ticket and we ate at the restaurant inside the casino, the one I had been to with Coco, G and Wendy. We were allocated seats on the stools and she said she was ok with it. When we sat down and looked at the menu, she said she wanted to eat what the lady opposite us was eating. I looked over and the lady told us what she was eating, so we ordered it.

As we waited, we talked about gambling. She said she started about two years ago when her friend took her to the casino. She said her friend started with $200 and won $18,000. She said her first game was the pokies in pubs, and then she moved onto baccarat in casinos. I told her the truth, that I started about 7 years ago but that I would sometimes go months without it, and once even a year, because I couldn't physically make it to the casino.

I asked her what her baccarat strategy was and she said it was based on gut feel.

She mentioned she had trouble sleeping and that her doctor wouldn't prescribe her anymore sleeping pills. She said she had been on them for two years. I asked if she wanted me to help her get them, and she said "I didn't say that".

The food arrived and we started sharing it. She didn't think it was the same as the one the lady was having. She then pointed to something someone else was eating and said it looked good. I told her the food on someone else's plate always looks better, and she agreed.

After a few people near us left the table, I told her about the case I had once where a guy won $800,000 at baccarat in the VIP room and then lost it all. She was very interested in the story.

As we sat there talking and sharing the bowl of noodles, part of me couldn't believe I was here with Misha. And we still didn't know each other's names.

After finishing, I went to pay and she thanked me for it. I was kinda thankful that she asked to share instead of each ordering our own dish, because that would've doubled the cost.

I insisted on having a go at the roulette tables before we returned to baccarat, and she agreed. I thought I'd show her how it was done. I went to one table, bet on red and middle column, and it landed on 28.

That was three spins now where I had lost on that strategy. What the fuck.

I told her I lost and we started walking slowly back to the electronic screens. I noticed we passed Julie's table, and at the perfect moment, Misha stopped us to ask me something. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Julie was looking at us. And almost as if it was scripted, Misha put her hand on my wrist/arm as she asked me the question. Actually, no, that was better than scripted. I couldn't have timed it any better.

We went back to the electronic area and sat down. I wanted to build some more rapport and asked if I could watch her play, but she said she wanted me to play on my one. I think she likes to focus and doesn't like to interact while playing. So I put in my money again and started playing, always hovering around my starting amount.

Not long later, I saw that she was down to $900. Then almost instantly, she was game over. I asked her what happened and she said she got greedy. She mentioned something about playing $700 on one bet. I had lost my $100 too. She printed out my $1 ticket and I went to cash it out as well as the chips I had in my pocket.

All up, she lost $1000 of my money, and I thought I had lost $700 of my money but turned out later to be $600. As we walked out of the casino, she kept ranting about having lost $3700 on the night. I said she only lost $2000, and the other $1700 was my money. She said we lost $3700 together. For some strange, expensive reason, I found that comforting, as if it was her way of suggesting we were a couple.

I suggested walking back to the main area of the city, and she said that was too far and hailed a taxi before I could really protest. I jumped in, and during the ride she kept going on about how much money we lost. I was pretty cool with it actually, just telling her it was ok, and patting her on the knee. She was quite upset, and it reminded me of Jin.

She also seemed to insist on me staying in the taxi to go home, but there was no way I was going to incur anymore unnecessary expense so I insisted on getting off where she was getting off. I think she was a bit worried about me knowing where she lived.

When we got off, we started walking and I kept asking for ice cream. I noticed she was walking in very close to me, bodies touching. Initially she said no, as she wanted to go to a "PC room" (internet cafe), but she eventually gave in. I think she felt somewhat obliged after losing my money.

So we went to Oliver Brown and she sat outside after picking a gelato flavour. The stupid girls who worked there took heaps long to serve me, but as I waited I looked out to see Misha. She just sat there, looking out, thinking. Maybe she had a cigarette. Part of me wondered if she was worried about being seen, or being seen with me. Guess she couldn't be too worried if she was willing to sit outside.

After finally getting the gelato, I brought it out to her. I got my phone out and she asked me what I was doing. I proceeded to explain to her my way of thinking about gambling - I showed her the calculations of how much money could be earned by interest for $2000 in a year, saying that it was about 4%. I then told her that, so then winning 10% in one night is pretty good, especially if you then assume you can do that every day and times it by 365.

She said I was very logical. She also said I thought like a Westerner and asked if I was born here. I said no, and it wasn't a matter of where I was born, but just being logical. I seemed to have captured her attention. I was mixing addiction with logic.

I told her to never chase losses, and explained both emotional and logical sides of us when we gamble. She seemed to understand this, and said she gets greedy. So we had a long talk about that, and she was listening to every word I was saying. I also explained to her the difference between rich people and poor people, and suggested to her that her getting a 40-50% cut for her work wasn't fair since it was her body.

After a while, I thought I would try to capitalise on the situation and ask for her number. So I switched my phone to the numpad and asked her for her number. She closed it up and said this was our first time, and said I was moving fast lol. I wasn't expecting success anyway.

Eventually we decided to leave, especially since it started raining. We walked to the corner of Liverpool and Pitt streets, and made a pinky promise to never gamble again. She said she thought I would gamble again, and I said I wouldn't. I noticed the pinky shake seemed to last a bit longer than usual. After that we said goodbye and I headed for the bus stop.