So this is what cheaters must feel...

Yesterday I really didn't do much at all, intentionally. I just felt like I wanted to do nothing. I stayed at home and when my parents came back with the car in the afternoon I drove to the Wick. I handed my black suit jacket in for dry cleaning (the old one) and donated two pieces of clothing I could not see myself wearing ever again. It was something my mom bought me while I was in uni - I just felt like I needed to make room for new stuff, stuff that I bought for me, to suit me. Besides, it always feels good to do something charitable. There is something genuine and kind about the guy's smile as I hand in my items of clothing.

After that I went for a drive to the sea side. I had fantasies of taking Naby there for dinner one night, and maybe if it's not too cold, we can go watch the waves. I missed driving. I hadn't drove for about a fortnight I think. I really don't like how I always find the car with rubbish inside and new scratches on the outside. I want to buy a cheap car for my dad to use, but they are against it.

I returned home, fixed up a patch of dark paint on the front left bumper, and then stayed at home the rest of the day.

Today, I walked to work and got there at about 11am. Junar and Melissa were also there, though I only saw Junar. At lunch I went to the gym, did cycling, worked on chest and abs. I thought about KFC for lunch but they didn't have the meal deal I saw at the Wick, so I ended up buying Macca's. I worked until 4pm and then walked home.

I was working on a minute for a sex case I have. It relates to a shop I've never been to. I don't know if this is bad of me (is it bad that I don't know?) but I was turned on a little as I read the statement of the girl. I kept relating it to Naby. My body told me to go to a shop afterwards, but I knew if I did, I would feel bad about myself having cheated on Naby, cheating on myself.

Also, the girl in the statement had a boyfriend who would drive her to work. I just thought he was a bit of a loser for driving his girlfriend to work to have sex with other guys. But then again, I wondered, am I headed that way?

Anyway, ever since the Amy thing, I have been thinking. Her words "I am lucky to find you" (or something like that) and "maybe when you are not tired you can come back" have got me thinking. Part of me feels that Naby will turn down my offer for dinner, and hence she only wants me as a customer. Amy, on the other hand, seemed to appreciate me, and her being a nurse, made it seem just a little more probable that we could have a decent future together.

Part of me thinks I should ask Naby out to dinner, and if she refuses, I should stop seeing her and start seeing Amy. But is that really what I want to do? On the one hand, I stopped seeing Lily just like that, and never really gave her much thought when Naby returned. Moving on from Lily was easy. But on the other hand, if I had my time again, I would not have stopped seeing Jenny just because she turned down my movie invitation. I may have seen her more to ask her once more. I felt like Jenny and I had grown too strong of a connection to just stop like that. With Naby, the connection is even stronger, and it might/would be wrong of me to just cut things off like that.

But the very act of thinking about moving on from Naby to Amy must be what it feels like in the initial stages for people contemplating cheating. They, like me, must think there is greener grass on the other side. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. But I have sort of made a decision and I would like to sort of stick with it.

It's been nearly two weeks since she left, and I'm starting to miss her. The first week, maybe not so much, but I am starting to feel it now. One of the most memorable moments is when I asked her to sit down and close her eyes, and she stuck her lips out for a kiss. Soooooo adorable!