Reviewing my feelings

I went into the office at about 7:30am today to do some work. Junar came in at about 8:20am and we talked a bit. I worked until 9am, then went to get some pies, and drove home.

I watched the replay of Game 2 Finals of Dalls vs Miami. Loved it. Even though I already knew the result. I really don't like Miami and don't want them to win, mainly because they beat Boston, and also because they're likeable to hate.

Watching the game and seeing how in shape the guys were really motivated me, so afterwards I went for a jog and did a lap. It started off feeling a bit easy, but then I think I realised how much further I had to go and mentally it got a bit harder. It was good, I got to clear my mind a bit.

I kept thinking about posting an update in facebook with my failures. I was thinking something like:

I've been rejected by x number of law firms.

I've asked x number of girls out, and all have said no. The girl I liked ended up marrying another guy.

I led my basketball team for x years, all to losing seasons.

I blew out my knee in a game that didn't matter.

These are my stats.

I'm sure I did something like that years ago in this blog, but can't find it. I kept thinking about that as I jogged. Thinking about money also made me feel a bit better about what had happened yesterday with Naby.

I completed the lap with not too much trouble, even though I could feel a little shortness of breath.

Heading home, I thought some more. Some may say seeing her yesterday was a bad financial decision, but looking back on it, from the time she came back to yesterday, I only really saw her once every 2-4 weeks, which was quite an achievement, given that my plan was to start seeing her weekly in May and June.

At times, I would feel down about her declining my dinner invitation.

If she really liked you, she'd make time for you.

It was almost an irresistable conclusion that she only liked me as a customer.

But then another side would chip in.

Wait and see if she texts you upon her return. Wait and see if she brings you a present.

A small part of me hopes she might text me farewell before she leaves. An even smaller part of me hopes she'd change her plans and ask me out to dinner. Maybe, as reading a case about her shop revealed, she really isn't allowed to go out with customers - do you really want to get her into trouble?

A vengeful part of me thought about, after she returns, asking her out again, and almost hoping she'd say no, so I could deliberately pick another girl from a lineup in front of her to hurt her. That was the vengeful me. Why does a vengeful me exist? Would that hurt her? Should I do it?

I've also given thought to going to see another girl rather soon. My reason? So I remain 'objective' and don't fall too deep into this thing with Naby.

Great, she hasn't even left yet and you're already thinking of cheating. Great habit you're setting up for the future.

Hmmm. I guess you're right.

I keep thinking about how after she declined my invitation, she was touching me a lot, feeling the curves of my chest and arm, and running circles with her finger around my nipple. It really felt like she knew how I felt and was trying to make up for it. But does that mean anything? It goes back to, if she really liked you, she'd make time to see you. But what if she's not allowed to see you?

I wonder what she meant by "me too" when I told her I loved her. Was it just an uncomfortable "umm yeah ok..." or was it a "I love you too"? The fact that her English isn't great doesn't assist the inquiry.

Also, what can be drawn from her end by the fact that I didn't say anything like "have a safe trip"?

I'm thinking too much. Best thing to do is to do nothing. I guess I'll wait to see if she comes back with a present.