I'm in a dark, dark, place...

Yesterday I was just playing GTA V when I heard my parents returning home. They were arguing again. I could hear mum chastising my dad, blaming him for something newly stolen, which he denied, all the while crying.

I had really had enough of it, and every time this happens it really makes me boil inside to hear my dad cry, and to hear my mum make him cry. I thought I could put up with it this time, like I usually do. But when she grabbed my torch and went to the store room to look for something to 'prove' that my dad had stolen it, I lost it.

I barged into the hallway, causing the doors to knock her off her balance. I grabbed her throat with both hands. I wasn't really going to harm her, but I just wanted things to stop. I wanted to send a message. I yelled at her at the same time to give me my money back.

Of course, this wasn't about money. I just wanted everything to fucking stop. I wasn't proud of what I did. Especially not a day after my grandma's death.

I finally let go, and returned to my game.

Later on, I got changed and went to bball practice.

Fat Pat would be there. I was running late because the weather had suddenly changed and started hailing, causing the trains to be delayed. I had to catch a taxi from Stratty just to be half an hour late. Got into a conversation with the taxi driver about marriage, and he said if you want to be serious about life, then you should marry the right person, but if you don't want to be serious, then don't marry.

Hmmm.

Mike and Fat Pat were doing the bench when I got there. It was good to see him again. I took a selfie of the three of us. It was a good photo, one that I knew I'd cherish for a long time.

When we finally played, we got teamed together with Jun and Kevin (Mike's brother). We complained about not having a big guy at first, but we actually did pretty good. We won the first two games, and lost about two in total. I played surprisingly well, hitting a long three, and another three in some guy's face. Fat Pat looked rusty as he hadn't played for a few years, but I could see as the games progressed that things were coming back for him.

Afterwards we went to eat at a restaurant in Burwood. I sat next to Daniel, who kept talking to me probably because everyone else was speaking Chinese.

When I got home, I had a shower, and messaged Jin. Then this morning I woke up and messaged her, telling her I'd wait for her at our usual cafe at 2pm.

So today, with great uncertainty, I headed out. I wasn't sure if I was going to get beat up by her boyfriend or not, but I went with it.

I went in and ordered a hot chocolate and a big breakfast. It was actually rather comforting to sit there and enjoy things slowly. I had never really done that before. I felt so...old mature.

I browsed through my phone as I ate, and with every person who came in, my first thought was "she's here". But it wasn't. I was there until 2:30pm, then I left and went to the casino, out of depression.

I bought in $500 worth of chips, though I could only afford to lose $250 as I needed $250 to see Misha. I was betting outsides cautiously at first, and was up about $100 overall. Then I lost it and decided to go big on the 1-2 sector after it landed on 14. This was pretty big, as I really didn't want to lose.

I didn't really watch the wheel, but had a sense that maybe it had just left the 0-3 sector as it was coming down. Then I heard the dealer say "14 - red".

Phew!

I looked down at the table and saw I had three splits - $510. So my total gain was $310. I left and cashed in, then caught a taxi to see Misha.

I didn't really know what to expect when I saw her, but I guess I was hoping she could keep things inside the shop and outside the shop separate, and treat me like she usually does when I visit her.

When the receptionist opened the waiting room door, I could see her standing in the hallway. She didn;t give me the cheery greeting as usual. She did try to look civil though, but I assumed it was only out of habit.

We went into the room at the end on the ground floor. She asked if I brought her the cat. At first I didn't know what she was talking about, but then I remembered she had asked for one of those cats I got from HK. I said I forgot, and later said she looked angry when I saw her the other day. She didn't say anything, and asked me to shower.

So we showered, in the dark, she said the light wasn't working. I tried to make a joke about why some shops have poor lighting, but she didn't laugh. I got out of the shower, dried myself, and laid down on the bed. She got on top of me and helped me dry my legs more.

She started sucking my nipples, then went down on me. Then she put on the condom and got on top. She asked me to focus, which I took to mean she wanted this over and done quickly. So I did.

Afterwards she asked if I wanted water and I said yes. She went out and returned with just one cup of water, which was very unusual as she always returns with something for herself too. She asked if I wanted a massage and I said no, and asked her to rest.

She laid down next to me. I began to explain myself. I told her that I had gone there that night to play, and when I saw her, I remembered she said she didn't want to be interrupted when she was focused, so I waited for her to finish.

She said she lost a lot of money that night and didn't want to talk about it. So I thought, alright, fine then, and laid there silent for a few moments. But then I couldn't handle the awkwardness. So I said I should better shower and leave. She got up. I went to the shower and cleaned myself up, then dressed myself. She helped me do up my buttons on my shirt, but maybe it was just to hurry me up.

She crouched down on the floor and avoided eye contact. I asked if she was ok. I apologised again. She said nothing. I walked out, and by the time I saw the receptionist (a young guy I had never seen before) she said goodbye. The receptionist had this look on his face which showed he knew something was wrong, as I had booked for an hour but was leaving not even half an hour later.

I smiled and pretended everything was alright.

I left, feeling so sad, and disgusted with myself. What the fortune teller said was right - I have difficulties with girls. I couldn't even connect with one if I paid for it.

My mind is in a dark, dark place right now.