Hating myself
Yesterday morning I went to Saturday basketball, had the usual run around for three hours which was good. However, I could feel my right knee still wasn't 100% as the strained ligament seemed to be acting up.
After that I went home to eat, shower and sleep. I woke up thinking about going to the casino, but a large part of me didn't want Julie to see me. So I went to the shopping centre near me to watch Annabelle. It was pretty scary, and I wondered why a mother would take her family of kids in to see that.
After that, I thought about just going home and calling it a night by playing TLOU. But having a car to myself for the night gave me a sense of freedom. Suddenly, I wanted to be free, I wanted 'one of those' nights, minus the whoring. So I headed out to the casino. Even though I was stuck in traffic heaps, I kinda enjoyed it, especially thinking about how this would give me more chance to miss seeing Julie. I'd get there at about 8pm, so good chance she would be finished by then.
When I got there, I quickly did a walk around to scan all the tables. It was all clear until I reached those two obscure tables that are placed a bit far away from the rest. She was there, with her back turned so she didn't see me. She was talking to an older guy who was the sole person at the table. A part of me immediately felt jealous, thinking she treated me just like she treated every other customer. 'She talks to you, she is talking to him' was the reasoning.
But was she laughing with him? Did she turn around to look for him? There's your answer, I told myself. Besides, she's allowed to fucking talk to other people. Funny how you had no problems with Jin having sex with other people at her work but got intensely jealous seeing Julie talking to a guy. But then again, who knows how I may have felt had I actually witnessed Jin 'at work'?
I told myself to calm the fuck down. She wasn't even my girlfriend. I was putting her on the pedestal and obsessing too much already. You've made this mistake too many times before my friend.
But then another part of me was glad she was out of sight. I sat down at the table nearest the entrance and played. I won $300 quickly and should've walked out. But I needed $300 more to clear my credit card debt and so I kept playing. That's chasing, I know, but I didn't care.
There was a dealer change and the 'thank you' guy was the new dealer. He spun up FIVE 0-3 sections in a row which nearly fucking killed me. I was on the absolute fucking brink. I realised that I should just give in to the trend, and shortly after that streak, I placed my last $400 on the 0-3 section.
Thoughts quickly flashed through my mind: I was stupid to not leave when I was up $300, Julie would ashamed of me, and I thought about how I was throwing my future with Julie away by throwing money away.
I watched as the ball landed on...15.
I had three straight ups and four splits, equally $1,730. I had largely made my money back. From then on I grinded the fuck out of the wheel and slowly made my way back to my initial capital plus a gain of $220. I cashed out and got the fuck out of there. Talk about fucking luck.
I went home wondering if Julie had seen me. I checked for her before leaving and she was nowhere to be seen. I don't think she saw me because I kept an eye out for the path near my and never saw her, so assumed she would've taken another path where it would've been harder to spot me.
I feel so bad, and so ashamed, and yet I'm thinking about going again today.
After that I went home to eat, shower and sleep. I woke up thinking about going to the casino, but a large part of me didn't want Julie to see me. So I went to the shopping centre near me to watch Annabelle. It was pretty scary, and I wondered why a mother would take her family of kids in to see that.
After that, I thought about just going home and calling it a night by playing TLOU. But having a car to myself for the night gave me a sense of freedom. Suddenly, I wanted to be free, I wanted 'one of those' nights, minus the whoring. So I headed out to the casino. Even though I was stuck in traffic heaps, I kinda enjoyed it, especially thinking about how this would give me more chance to miss seeing Julie. I'd get there at about 8pm, so good chance she would be finished by then.
When I got there, I quickly did a walk around to scan all the tables. It was all clear until I reached those two obscure tables that are placed a bit far away from the rest. She was there, with her back turned so she didn't see me. She was talking to an older guy who was the sole person at the table. A part of me immediately felt jealous, thinking she treated me just like she treated every other customer. 'She talks to you, she is talking to him' was the reasoning.
But was she laughing with him? Did she turn around to look for him? There's your answer, I told myself. Besides, she's allowed to fucking talk to other people. Funny how you had no problems with Jin having sex with other people at her work but got intensely jealous seeing Julie talking to a guy. But then again, who knows how I may have felt had I actually witnessed Jin 'at work'?
I told myself to calm the fuck down. She wasn't even my girlfriend. I was putting her on the pedestal and obsessing too much already. You've made this mistake too many times before my friend.
But then another part of me was glad she was out of sight. I sat down at the table nearest the entrance and played. I won $300 quickly and should've walked out. But I needed $300 more to clear my credit card debt and so I kept playing. That's chasing, I know, but I didn't care.
There was a dealer change and the 'thank you' guy was the new dealer. He spun up FIVE 0-3 sections in a row which nearly fucking killed me. I was on the absolute fucking brink. I realised that I should just give in to the trend, and shortly after that streak, I placed my last $400 on the 0-3 section.
Thoughts quickly flashed through my mind: I was stupid to not leave when I was up $300, Julie would ashamed of me, and I thought about how I was throwing my future with Julie away by throwing money away.
I watched as the ball landed on...15.
I had three straight ups and four splits, equally $1,730. I had largely made my money back. From then on I grinded the fuck out of the wheel and slowly made my way back to my initial capital plus a gain of $220. I cashed out and got the fuck out of there. Talk about fucking luck.
I went home wondering if Julie had seen me. I checked for her before leaving and she was nowhere to be seen. I don't think she saw me because I kept an eye out for the path near my and never saw her, so assumed she would've taken another path where it would've been harder to spot me.
I feel so bad, and so ashamed, and yet I'm thinking about going again today.
posted by toey | 07:53
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