Brain's night out
On the way home on Thursday, and especially on the bus, I had so many angry thoughts. Even though I'd calmed down a bit between then and yesterday, it started heating up inside my mind today again.
All my past experiences with girls have felt like bashings. Each one was a knockout punch that floored me. I'd slowly pick myself up, and when I felt like I was ready to fight again, shortly after I raised my arms I'd get knocked down again. It hurt. I'd eventually get back up, this time taking a lot longer. Not long after I'm back up, I'm hit again, and down I go again.
Rhino was the first to hit me. That was when and how everything started. I'd begin walking home from school instead of catching the bus with my friends. I still remember Thai sensing something was wrong, asked me to catch the bus. But I declined. Instead, I'd walk. And think. Walk and think. Walk and think.
NTM was the second to hit me. That hurt more than the first. While down, I got angry. I began to hate women. I began to hate the world. But soon, that hatred would subside, replaced by hope. That hope would then be crushed by Ele, time and time again.
I told myself she could fuck off. I thought I'd finally start to gain some ground with Katie, but it was like someone had hit me from the back. I never saw it coming. I was lured into a ring with two opponents, thinking there was only one.
I feel like crying, begging, pleading for whoever it is to stop punching me. I can't get up no more. I really can't. Please stop.
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Yesterday morning I went to the courts. I did my full court lay ups and jump rope. I then went home, had breakfast, and then went into the office. I noticed Katie left 7 minutes after me on Friday. I went into Katie's room again. But I think it helped. I started seeing her as just another normal person, not especially worthy of my attention.
I got some work done before grabbing a sushi roll for lunch. I was hungry, but didn't feel like eating. I haven't had an appetite for the last few days. But I knew if I didn't eat then I'd start bloating.
I went home, got changed, went to the factory outlet near Shuing's place and bought a white jersey. It's the same as the black one I got there last time but white. I went home and washed my car, then picked Malay up to meet with G for a movie. We went to the shopping centre near us. I had something in my eye which I couldn't get out, so I said I didn't feel like watching a movie. I actually didn't feel like a movie anyway. We had lunch, then checked out JB Hi-Fi, and then G and I went to Myer because I wanted to buy a shirt.
I was prepared to spend $70 for a shirt, but G found one which had $40 on it and I went to get one my size. When I went to the counter it was actually $20!! Wow.
I finally gave in about the movie (my eye got better anyway) and we went to check the times. One had just started, and everything else was like an hour later, so we decided to go watch Shuing play soccer instead, hehe.
I drove us there and we waited around for Shuing. Shortly after he arrived, this guy Ken came up and spoke to him. I recognised him from YA, but not sure if he recognised me. Apparently Shuing knew him. I watched as they talked. I admired his laugh, and his demeanour. He seems like a generous person. I bet he'd never get himself into a situation like mine. I wonder what he'd do if he found out the girl he was chatting up had a girlfriend...
G and I played the juggling game again while Malay sat on the grass and played on his phone. I got nine this time, hehe. Then we all sat down and talked and watched the game. We left a while later to go to dinner with Thai and Brain. Brain wanted to see the pick-up atmosphere apparently.
I drove G to Malay's house so he could change as the shirt he was wearing had holes in it. I took my car back home then walked back to Malay's bus stop to meet them. We caught the bus to the city where we met with Brain and Thai. We had a joke about the inadvertent message I had sent to Shuing.
We went to a Korean restaurant, and talked about picking up. Brain seemed fascinated. Thai looked like he was a man amongst children.
After dinner we went to the bar opposite my office. We sat around on a large lounge in the smoking area and chatted. After a while, two female friends of Thai came along and started talking. They talked to Thai mainly, and G a bit. The rest of us kept to ourselves. They left soon after. I kept a look out for groups of girls that didn't have guys within them so I could dare someone to approach. When there was one, I dared G and Brain, but they wouldn't budge. I was frustrated with Brain, after all, it was his idea to come out.
Everyone except Thai left at just before midnight, and we caught the bus back to my house where I drove them home. After dropping G home, I street raced some dude in a jeep with Malay in the car. It got my adrenaline pumping.
All my past experiences with girls have felt like bashings. Each one was a knockout punch that floored me. I'd slowly pick myself up, and when I felt like I was ready to fight again, shortly after I raised my arms I'd get knocked down again. It hurt. I'd eventually get back up, this time taking a lot longer. Not long after I'm back up, I'm hit again, and down I go again.
Rhino was the first to hit me. That was when and how everything started. I'd begin walking home from school instead of catching the bus with my friends. I still remember Thai sensing something was wrong, asked me to catch the bus. But I declined. Instead, I'd walk. And think. Walk and think. Walk and think.
NTM was the second to hit me. That hurt more than the first. While down, I got angry. I began to hate women. I began to hate the world. But soon, that hatred would subside, replaced by hope. That hope would then be crushed by Ele, time and time again.
I told myself she could fuck off. I thought I'd finally start to gain some ground with Katie, but it was like someone had hit me from the back. I never saw it coming. I was lured into a ring with two opponents, thinking there was only one.
I feel like crying, begging, pleading for whoever it is to stop punching me. I can't get up no more. I really can't. Please stop.
-----------------------------------------------
Yesterday morning I went to the courts. I did my full court lay ups and jump rope. I then went home, had breakfast, and then went into the office. I noticed Katie left 7 minutes after me on Friday. I went into Katie's room again. But I think it helped. I started seeing her as just another normal person, not especially worthy of my attention.
I got some work done before grabbing a sushi roll for lunch. I was hungry, but didn't feel like eating. I haven't had an appetite for the last few days. But I knew if I didn't eat then I'd start bloating.
I went home, got changed, went to the factory outlet near Shuing's place and bought a white jersey. It's the same as the black one I got there last time but white. I went home and washed my car, then picked Malay up to meet with G for a movie. We went to the shopping centre near us. I had something in my eye which I couldn't get out, so I said I didn't feel like watching a movie. I actually didn't feel like a movie anyway. We had lunch, then checked out JB Hi-Fi, and then G and I went to Myer because I wanted to buy a shirt.
I was prepared to spend $70 for a shirt, but G found one which had $40 on it and I went to get one my size. When I went to the counter it was actually $20!! Wow.
I finally gave in about the movie (my eye got better anyway) and we went to check the times. One had just started, and everything else was like an hour later, so we decided to go watch Shuing play soccer instead, hehe.
I drove us there and we waited around for Shuing. Shortly after he arrived, this guy Ken came up and spoke to him. I recognised him from YA, but not sure if he recognised me. Apparently Shuing knew him. I watched as they talked. I admired his laugh, and his demeanour. He seems like a generous person. I bet he'd never get himself into a situation like mine. I wonder what he'd do if he found out the girl he was chatting up had a girlfriend...
G and I played the juggling game again while Malay sat on the grass and played on his phone. I got nine this time, hehe. Then we all sat down and talked and watched the game. We left a while later to go to dinner with Thai and Brain. Brain wanted to see the pick-up atmosphere apparently.
I drove G to Malay's house so he could change as the shirt he was wearing had holes in it. I took my car back home then walked back to Malay's bus stop to meet them. We caught the bus to the city where we met with Brain and Thai. We had a joke about the inadvertent message I had sent to Shuing.
We went to a Korean restaurant, and talked about picking up. Brain seemed fascinated. Thai looked like he was a man amongst children.
After dinner we went to the bar opposite my office. We sat around on a large lounge in the smoking area and chatted. After a while, two female friends of Thai came along and started talking. They talked to Thai mainly, and G a bit. The rest of us kept to ourselves. They left soon after. I kept a look out for groups of girls that didn't have guys within them so I could dare someone to approach. When there was one, I dared G and Brain, but they wouldn't budge. I was frustrated with Brain, after all, it was his idea to come out.
Everyone except Thai left at just before midnight, and we caught the bus back to my house where I drove them home. After dropping G home, I street raced some dude in a jeep with Malay in the car. It got my adrenaline pumping.
posted by toey | 10:33
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